You find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky
But your heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion
And the cruelty of everyone else
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love

They made me leave the room. I was freaking out so bad they made me leave, but how was I supposed to act. They told me my wife could die. She could die? Alex can die? This wasn't happening. I paced around the hallway where they sent me. The cloth booties scraping the floor, making the most annoying sound, but it was nothing in comparison to the pain filling up my heart. My tears just fell hard and hot down my cheeks. This isn't supposed to happen this way.

"Joel, are you calmed down now?" Dr. Saunders came out of the room.

"What's gonna happen?" I sobbed openly.

She put her hand on my shoulder. "Joel. Joel…listen to me. Alex is in serious trouble and so is the baby. I need you to be calm okay. Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay." I answered, but my voice wavered.

"Okay, Alex has eclampsia, alright…and we have to do a cesarean."

"What?" I choked.

"A c-section, remember when I went ove-"

"I know what it is, but…Alex has to…"

"Joel, you saw her in there seizing…" She was quiet, as she must have seen my face. "We need to do this now."

"But she's only 31 weeks and, and…" No, this can't be it, it can't come down to this. It just can't.

"Joel! Please, they need you." she explained. I swallowed and nodded.

She made me follow her and sign a paper shoved in my face. I'm not even sure what it was, I just put my name on it. Alex was slightly conscious again. I ran to her.

"Al…baby…"

"Joely?" she sounded so weak and out of it.

"Alex, this is Dr. Saunders, you need to have a cesarean."

"What?" she cried, her green eyes filling with terror. "What? No…noooo." She sobbed. I cried too, but there was nothing we could do.

They pulled up the railings on Alex's bed and began rushing her out of the room.

"Can I come?"

"Of course, Joel." Dr. Saunders motioned me along with her team.

I silently prayed as we rushed along the corridor. Please dear Lord, please save my wife and son. Please let them be okay. Please keep them safe, dear Lord, please.

***

Benji came to the house right away. The boys were still asleep and I didn't bother waking them. He was gonna stay to watch them while we went to the hospital. He smiled weakly at me as I got Alex in the car.

"Don't worry, bro." He tried to comfort me. "God, will look after you."

I just nodded. I wasn't capable of speaking right now. I couldn't lose another son. I couldn't, I couldn't. He patted my shoulder as we left.

"It'll be okay, Joel." He frowned.

I wanted to believe him so bad. I really did. I wanted to believe we would get to the hospital and everything would be routine and perfect, but I knew I was kidding myself. Something was really wrong.

I drove kinda fast, but Alex was crying and moaning the whole way and I just wanted to get her somewhere safe. I didn't know if the hospital was safe, but that's what they teach you as a kid. If your hurt see the doctor. I felt so lost already, like I didn't know what to do at all.

"Hang on, baby." I reached over and grabbed her hand. She rubbed my fingers back and tightened her grip on my hand. I knew how to do this, how to love her and love my kids and I knew how to pray. I wanted to just cry. I can't believe this was happening…again.

They took her straight up to the maternity floor, no dealing with the ER again, which was great. Dr. Saunders met us in the examining room. She looked very worried and determined. She had swept her gray blond hair up and snapped gloves on as she walked.

"Alex, what's going on?" she asked straight away. She never gave us bullshit, she was very straight and to the point.

Alex swallowed and shook her head. "I don't know." she wailed. "I just woke up with this pain. It's like…like contractions, but it's not. It's in my b-back." she squeezed her eyes. I held my breath.

"Okay, alright, calm down." she soothed. "Joel, take a deep breath. I'm gonna get you through this, okay?"

"Uh huh," I exhaled carefully.

She hooked up the ultrasound to look at the baby. To our relief he was alive and moving. I rubbed Alex's hand. Dr. Saunders looked hard at the screen, her eyebrows twisting in frustration. She sighed.

"What?" Alex asked. "What is it?!"

"I'm concerned with his heart rate…" she said finally, then ordered a variety of things from the nurses.

"What's with his heart rate?" I swallowed hard.

"It's a little slow." She talked to the nurses as she talked to me. It all seemed so important and dramatic.

"SLOW?!" I cried.

"Joel, you need to calm down."

"Her blood pressure's up." A nurse said.

"Up?! I questioned. This was so scary. I swallowed, having to hold back tears.

"What's happening, Joely?" Alex sounded so scared, more scared than me.

I looked into her eyes, turning a very bright shade of green, the color they became when she cried. I just shook my head and squeezed her hand. "I don't know baby, I don't know."

I stood there next to here for what seemed like forever, as they hooked her up to a billion machines and took blood and urine samples. We didn't say anything, we just stayed in the same place, holding hands, occasionally squeezing. We were gonna get through this, I just knew it. I had to believe that.

Finally, the doctor came back. She looked at us with a slight frown on her face.

"What is it?!" I asked frantically, nearly grabbing her shoulders and shaking the information from her.

"Joel…Alex, I'm afraid I don't have anything good to tell you." she sighed. "Alex has a condition called preeclampsia. Normally, I send mothers home for full bed rest until the baby's at least big enough to survive outside the womb, but I'm sorry to tell you Alex's condition is worsening and we need to act very quickly."

"What do you mean?" I asked, scared.

"I think you know what I mean Joel. We need to deliver your son tonight."

"Tonight? But, he's too small…"

"I know, Joel, but this is his only chance for survival."

Survival. I didn't like that word. I didn't like the percentages she rounded off to us after that, either. 75% mortality rate, that's 25% he could die. That's 50% of our boys gone before we even get the chance to hold them. I took a deep breath and looked at Alex.

"If this is what we have to do…" she almost cried.

Dr. Saunders nodded and gave a sympathetic smile. "I'm going to do everything I can, I promise."

I nodded back. Alex looked into my eyes and frowned. The sounds of us breathing in deeply was filling the room, it's volume drowning the sounds of the machines in my head.

They moved Alex to another room, a delivery room and I was issued standard daddy scrubs. For some reason they made me feel sick, the drab sick blue green color, the cold cotton material. I slipped the booties over my shoes and took a breath before entering again. Dr. Saunders was already in there and a nurse was preparing a drug to give to Alex. Dr. Saunders must have noticed me staring at the syringe cause she smiled.

"It's to induce labor, Joel, it's okay."

"Oh." I swallowed.

"Well, this should start working in about a half hour or an hour, so we'll come check, alright." She smiled at us and pushed a chair towards me. "Sit, Joel, there will be plenty of time for standing around later."

I sat down and grabbed her hand with both of mine.

"Joel, stop looking so sad please?" Alex begged. "I don't wanna think bad things and when you look at me with that face I…"

"I'm sorry baby." I smiled. "Let's talk about something else then…um…mom says we should transplant the hair from my beard onto Josh's head."

"Joel! That's so mean!"

I laughed.

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you," she pulled my hair back some. "You'll get there."

"Al!"

She smiled at me. "I suppose we need to think of a name for him." She rubbed her belly.

"Yeah…what about…YODA!" I joked.

"Oh God, Joel, no!" she shook her head.

"Chewbacca?"

"Joely!?" she shook her head again. I laughed.

"Okay, okay, no star wars characters." I nodded. "You sure, not even Anakin? He grew up to be Darth Vader, you know? You could be Darth Vader's mom!"

"No, Joel, but I wanna use Jakob." She said seriously, my heart sinking, having to hear his name. We named the boy we lost last year, Jakob. Jakob Matthew.

I nodded, and bit my lip, trying not to focus on it.

"Baby, we're not going to lose him. I just know it, I can feel it. He's strong." She assured me, but it was hard to believe when they were hooked up to machines and she looked so pale.

"I know, I know." I shook my head. "How 'bout Jakob as a middle name?"

"Hmm, yeah…and…I can't come up with anything." She frowned.

"Uh..Joel, Josh, Benji, Levi, Rueben…"

"No more names from your family." she shook her head, "You know we've all used Ben 4 times?"

"Really?" oops. Benjamin's a good name. "What about….Nate?"

"Nate? Nathaniel!"

"Nathaniel? That's kinda gay sounding." I made a face.

"It is NOT" she argued. "It's a wonderful name. Nathaniel Jakob."

"Can I call him Nate?"

"Of course."

"Okay then, I like it." I nodded in agreement.

She grinned wide. "Nathaniel Jakob Madden."

We talked a little more about his new name. And I remembered naming Sam. Alex loved the name Samuel and Benji's my brother. But we used to fight about it, cause I wanted to name him Benjamin Samuel and she wanted Samuel Benjamin (guess who won?). Finally Alex started having contractions, not super bad ones, but she was having them, a lot of them, right away.

When Dr. Saunders came in she seemed startled that Alex progressed so fast, but she was ready. The room was suddenly filled with nurses and the noise of all the machines seemed to blare out, even though they had been on and at the same volume the entire time. I breathed along with Al, letting her grip my hand through each and every pull.

"Alright, Alex, I think this is it." Dr. Saunders told her. "We're gonna start pushing alright?"

Alex just nodded, she was sweating profusely like she'd been pushing the whole time. She already looked tired. She already looked done.

"Joel, you ready?" The doctor asked me.

"Yes." I nodded, stopping my wandering mind.

"Count of three…one…two…thrrrrreeeeeeeeee!" she called out and Alex pushed down with all her might, pulling my hand and arm down.

"Good, good job Alex." Dr. Saunders was saying, but she sounded far away as I stared at my wife. Her head started drooping like she was gonna pass out. Her hand loosened grip on me.

"AL!?!" I screamed, as her head fell back. "What's happening!?!"

"Alex?!" Dr. Saunders looked up and the other doctors and nurses crowded around, starting to come between me and her.

"No, I need to see." I pushed between them like I was in a mosh pit. I looked towards her head and I saw her head and neck twitching and moving erratically. Oh my God! What the fuck was going on?

Just like that no one was talking to me. I was being shoved out of the way, barely able to see my wife having a seizure on the delivery table. I was scared. I was crying. I didn't know what to do, except get angry and yell at people. I could hear snippets of them as the reached for needles and drugs. "She's not stable." "If this keeps going she's not going to survive…"

"What?!" I yelled. "Do something! NOW, DO IT! SAVE MY ALEX! RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, DON'T FUCKING LET HER GO!" I cried.

"Get him out of here." I heard someone say and a nurse led me by the arm kicking and screaming.

"Mr. Madden, you can cool down out here." The nurse told me and went back inside. The door swinging shut behind her.

I just cried.

***

I lowered the volume of the TV a bit and made myself comfortable on the couch with my bowl of Lucky Charms. I glanced up towards the upper floor, straining my ears to see if I could hear the boys waking up. Dead silence.

The Today show was just starting and Matt Lauer and his young new cohort were naming off their stories for the day. I didn't like her. She was blonde, dumb, and always called Jessa, Jessa Casablancas, instead of Madden, when she was on. Besides, I kinda had a thing for Katie Couric. Jessa thought I was a freak, but I guess she would know.

I was happy to be eating my food before it got cold, warm, or soggy. Joel wasn't asking me for cookies, Noah wasn't asking me to tie his shoes, Isabel wasn't calling out the time, and Ben wasn't ignoring me. A break was nice, but I bet any minute Jess would call begging me to help her and I guess it was unfair of me to leave her alone, but what was I supposed to do? Not take care of my brother's kids when he has to rush his wife to the hospital?

He hasn't even called once. I was worried, but I know if he had the time to call he would. I just hoped and prayed Alex and the baby were okay. I remember the last time. They were so devastated. I stayed the night then too, but that time they got home around this time and Joel just made me leave. He didn't tell me what happened for a week.

"Momma?!" I heard Zack screaming, and I rushed up the stairs leaving my cereal with Matt and faux-Katie.

"Hey, Zacky." I started calling.

"Daddy! Mommy's gon— you're not my daddy." Zack looked scared of me and started to cry.

"Shh." I picked up his little body, he was roughly the same size as Noah. "Shh, it's okay, Noa—Zack."

"I w-want m-my d-daddy!" he sobbed.

"It's okay, I'm gonna take care of you, okay?"

"Nooooooooooooo"

"Zack, Momma and daddy had to go somewhere, they'll be home soon." I tried explaining.

"Nooooo no no nooooo"

"Shut up, Zack?!" Sam burst out of his room. "Uncle Benji? What are you doin' here?"

I smiled at my nephew. "Your mom and dad had to go somewhere, so I'm gonna get you ready today."

"Why?"

"Cause your dad left me in charge, alrighty, Sam. So get into your clothes for school and we'll eat some cereal downstairs."

"I dowanna." Sam crossed his arms.

"Okay, fine, more cereal for me and Zack." I looked at Zack and wiped some tears from his cheeks. "Right, Zacky?"

"Okay…" he said in a small voice.

I ignored Sam and went into Zack's room to find him some clothes. Sam marched in after me.

"You mean I don't hafta get dressed and go to school?" he asked.

"Well, you're a big boy, you can take care of yourself." I smiled and winked.

"Yeah!" Sam nodded. "I'm a big boy, not like Zacky."

"Uh huh, I'm sure you'll have lots of fun cleaning the house. Washing the clothes, washing the dishes, cutting the grass."

"Uncle Benji?!" his eyes bugged out. "I don't do that stuff, I'm a kid!"

"Oh, no, I'm pretty sure you could do it. You're a big boy." I helped Zack pull up his shirt. "All the big boys do chores."

"But…I dowanna." He complained.

"Ah, well, what don't ya wanna do? Go to school or do chores?"

His eyes narrowed. "I'm gonna get dressed."

I chuckled. I used that on Ben once a few years ago, I can't believe it still worked.

"Did you die too?" Zack asked, amazed.

"What?" I laughed, kneeling down to his level, to fix his pants.

"I did too!" he held out his bandaged finger and pointed to my bandaged thumb.

I laughed again. "Naw, Zacky, we got owwies, we're not dead."

"I know, my daddy fixed me." he grinned. "And then we made pasketti"

I smiled at him. "Well let's go have some cereal."

"YAY CEREAL!" it was like a miniature Joel.

"C'mon Sam. Breakfast time." I called as we went down.

Zack climbed up to the counter stools and I brought out the bowls and spoons. I took out the boxes of cereal and set them on the counter. I asked Zack what kind he wanted.

"Lucky Pebbles! Zack lifted his spoon.

"Lucky what?" I asked confused.

"Lucky Pebbles!" he repeated.

"You mean Lucky Charms?" I asked.

"Lucky…PEB-BLES!" he repeated angrily.

"Can you show me?" I tried to stay calm.

He reached across the counter and grabbed the Fruity Pebbles. He poured some into the bowl, spilling a nice amount on the counter. Then he reached for the Lucky Charms and poured them on top of the Pebbles.

"Lucky Pebbles!" he announced. "Can you pour the milk, Uncle Benji?"

I poured the milk and shook my head. Joel actually lets him eat this? Alex lets him? It's pure sugar and junk. He seemed to love it, and I wasn't going to be the one to take away his favorite cereal and give him a balanced breakfast.

The phone rang through the house. And I walked across the kitchen to get it.

"I got it, I got it!" Sam ran in and picked it up. "Hello! Hi grama…no daddy's not here…he and mommy went somewhere…Uncle Benji's here…she wants to talk to you." he pushed the phone in my face.

"Hi, mom." I pushed a bowl towards Sam.

"Where's Joel?!"

"He and Alex had to go to…um…" I started, but Sam was staring at me.

"Benjamin, what happened?"

"Hang on mom, little ears."

I poured the milk into Sam's cereal and went around the corner to the living room.

"They had to go to the hospital last night." I said, when I was a safe distance away.

"What?!" she gasped. "What happened?"

"I don't really know, something was happening with Alex." I explained.

"He hasn't called?"

"No, I figured they're busy with whatever they have to do."

"Well, how are the boys?" she asked.

"They just got up. I'm gonna take them to school, everything's fine."

"Don't say that Benji, you don't know what's going on with Joel right now." She sounded a little frantic, parents get that way about their kids.

"Mom, please don't stress out. Everything we can control is controlled." I assured.

"You're right, I'll be over there in a little bit."

"Mom, you don't…"

"I wanna be there when he calls."

"Well, I was going home after dropping the boys. He'll call the house or my cell."

"Wait for me."

I sighed "Alright."

"I'm gonna call Jeff and I'll be right over."

"Why Jeff?" Jeff was my mom's 'friend'. I didn't like the guy at all.

"Benji, don't start." She chastised.

"He's not a part of this family, mom." I rolled my eyes.

"Well, I want him to be," It was like she could see me. "Now stop talking back to your mother and I'll see you in 20 minutes."

She hung up and I rolled my eyes again, as I ended the call. I quickly dialed my own house.

"Hi!" Joel answered.

"Hi Joely, it's daddy."

"HI! Dadda!" he screamed into the phone. I could hear Jessa in the background. 'Give me the phone, Joely.' "It's DADDA!" he told her.

"Benj?" Jessa got it away from him.

"Hey baby."

"What's going on? How's Alex?" she asked.

"I don't know yet, I'm gonna take the boys to school." I told her. "And my mom's coming over."

"Joel hasn't called at all?" she sounded worried.

"No." I really didn't think it was such a big deal until my mom and Jessa got worried. Now all kinds of bad thoughts flowed through my head.

"Well, I'm sure that…Ben don't talk like that to your sister!" Jessa yelled.

"Not going well?" I asked frowning.

"Having Ben home is not so great. He's getting too bored." She sighed.

"Yeah, well, I'll be home in about an hour."

"Okay, good," I could almost see her smiling. "…Joel drop that cookie! Sorry, I gotta go."

"Yeah, I gotta take the boys."

"See ya at the school." She said.

"Uh huh." I nodded. "Bye, love you."

"Love…JOEL!" she hung up.

I set the phone down finally and came back into the kitchen.

"You boys ready for school?"

Both boys looked at one another, then looked up at me. They shook their heads.

"No?"

"We didn't pray." Sam answered.

"Oh." I didn't know they prayed before they left the house. My mom used to do that to us when we were little. Til we were about 11, I think. "Well, we can still pray."

"No way." Zack shook his head. "We have to pray with Mommy and Daddy."

"W-well…uh..they aren't here right now, boys." I tried to explain. "How 'bout just for today, you pray with me?"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sam complained. "We can't pray with you! You…you're a pervert."

"WHAT?! Sam what are you talking about?"

"Mommy said you were." Zack smiled.

I smacked my forehead. Good one Al.

"Look guys, we have to go to school one way or another and I know you want your mom and dad, but if they could be here, they would be."

"But…"

"Let's pray that Mommy and Daddy come home." Zack suggested.

"That's a good idea Zacky." I nodded, beginning to bow my head.

"But…" Sam kept whining.

"C'mon Sam, we'll ask God to keep them safe, okay?"

"Fine." He sighed and bowed his head.

"Dear heavenly father…" I began, I didn't pray out loud very often, it felt strange to do in front of my nephews. It shouldn't. My mom told me all the time that you aren't supposed to be shy with your faith, still I couldn’t help it. "Please look after Joel and Alex today. Please bring them home safely to their boys and please take care of the baby. Do what's best for them, please God."

I was going to cry. I choked and cleared my throat. "Is that all boys?"

"AMEN!" Zack hopped off his stool.

"Amen." Sam and I repeated.

***

I think I was gonna be sick. It was like watching those medical channels when they showed like open heart surgery, but I couldn't just change the channel. I couldn't really see it, but I could imagine and I could hear and I could see bloody gloves.

Alex was awake, but she couldn't feel anything below her breasts. I held her hand, and tried to see beyond the partition, even though I really didn't want to. Seconds ticked like hours and hours felt like days in this place. It still wasn't registering that he was being born tonight, right now in fact. It was so scary and different. Sam was late and Zack was on time.

"Relax Alex." Dr. Saunders looked up, only her blue eyes visible behind the mask. "You too Joel."

I took a slow breath and looked over at Alex. She looked tired and terrified. It broke my heart. This is supposed to be a good thing. A happy time.

"We're gonna be parent's again, baby." I smiled at her and squeezed her hand. She looked up at me and nodded with a strained little smile.

"Alright, alright…" Dr. Saunders started saying. "And…here he is…clamp."

She lifted a tiny little human being whose body closed into a little ball in the cold air. But she didn't have to lift him, he was already screaming bloody murder. His head was covered in fuzzy dark hair and skin was incredibly pale and almost translucent. But he was perfectly formed. He wasn't all red and squished. He was perfect and tiny.

"You wanna cut the cord Joel?" she held out a pair of scissors to me. I swallowed barely able to take my eyes off of him. I cut it and before I could take another look they moved him to the baby warmer.

"No, wait…" I cried. 'He's a good size' I heard them say.

"They'll take care of him, Joel." Doctor smiled at me

"But…" I whined.

"Dr. Saunders?" someone called her attention to Alex.

Again everyone was moving really fast. No, not again, what's going on?

"Joely?" Alex called. "What's happening? Where is he?"

"Alex, you need to have surgery." The doctor began to explain.

"What?" she cried.

"What?!" I screamed. "What do you mean?"

"There are some cysts and damage to your uterus, Alex…it's bad…I'm sorry."

"Sorry? What?" I cried.

"We need to put you under and do this right away."

"What about Nate?" she worried.

"The neo-natalists have it under control. Alex, I need you to worry about your own health right now."

"But…" she sobbed. "But…Joel?!"

"I…I don't…" I shook my head. "I don't know what…I…"

"I'll take of her, Joel, I promise." Dr. Saunders assured me before I was ushered away and out of the room.

"Sir, this way…" a nurse led me away.

"But my son…he's…my…" I couldn't do anything. I couldn't help either of them. I felt so helpless, but more than that I felt guilty. I didn't protect them. I didn't do anything, but stand there and look around confused. I failed them. I cried and it wouldn't be the last time.

***

back :: foward