Chapter One "Forgetting"

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make you forget
I am not worried
"If it's love," she said. "then we're going to have to think about the consequences."
She can't stop shaking
I can't stop touching her and…

"Al, baby, where's the clean towels?" I heard him calling from above me.

"In the cupboard Joel, just like always."

"Naw uh"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I pushed my chair away from the computer and marched upstairs to help Joel. I had 3 boys. THREE…not two. Well I mean 4, actually.

"Joel, they're righ--."

"It's okay, I found them." He had a navy blue one wrapped around his waist, his hair all wet from his shower. "I was looking in the wrong cupboard."

I don't know how, there was only one in the bathroom. He brushed his teeth, making a big toothy grin like the boys and scrubbing each little molar and bicuspid. He would have looked damn sexy, had all the toothpaste foam not been gathering in his beard.

I don't know how he got it in his thick skull to grow a beard. They were the ugliest things. It scratched my face, made Joel constantly itch. He should just shave it off. Doesn't he realize the baby's gonna think he's a monster? Zack ran away from him…that should have been an indicator, but nope, not to Joel. He was so oblivious sometimes. He also didn't understand why I didn't want Tupac living in our bedroom.

"Hey." He spit into the sink.

"Hey?" I shot back.

He turned and gave me a funny little grin. "So, Benji and I are leaving Saturday afternoon and staying through Sunday "

I sighed. "My appointment's Monday, Joel."

"Yeah, I know." He thoroughly wiped toothpaste from his beard. "I'm gonna be here. I promise."

Good cause I hated going alone. It made me really paranoid and nervous. Joel was late once and I was freaking out by myself. I hated that he was going to this showcase, leaving me by myself. I hate when he leaves me.

"You still do kick counts right?"

"Of course I do." I nodded, obediently. "5 since I woke up"

"Good." He draped a towel on the hook and leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. All I felt was furriness. He walked past me into the bedroom, dropping the towel and tossing it in the armchair in the corner. I went over and leaned on the edge of the bed, watching his cute naked ass wiggle as he shimmied into his clean boxers.

"Have you eaten anything?"

"The rest of Zack's cheerios and some toast and half a banana." I said. "Some bacon."

"Well…"

"And a pudding cup."

"Damn Woman!" he stared at me.

"I hate it when you call me that."

"No you don't." he smirked. He was right…I didn't.

He pulled a t-shirt over his head. Yanking it hard over his ears, ruffling his hair.

"Well, you wanna go out to get breakfast?" He rubbed his sore ears.

"Where?"

"The Cape" The Cape was this little tiny tiny faux Martha's Vineyard resort. Joel loved the restaurant there for breakfast. He hated going there for dinner though.

"Joel, we always go to the Cape."

"I know. I like it"

"I know you like it, but I'm sick of it."

"We can go to Lilly and Paul's"

"They own a book store, Joel."

"No, they own a book café…they have these really awesome bagel sandwich things. Paul hooked me and Benji up the other day."

"I dunno…it doesn't have eggs does it?" I asked.

"It doesn't have to" he shrugged.

"You know I can't eat eggs"

"I know, Al, I know."

"I guess we can. I'm kinda hungry and Zack won't be out for about 3 hours"

"Ya know, we used to use this time to make love" he complained.

"So, what's your point?"

"Nothing." He sighed. "Nevermind."

"You know I still love you, Joel. Sex doesn't equal love"

"I know."

"Good. I gotta change" I kissed his nose. I'd grown attached to it since it wasn't covered in fur.

"Change? Into what? You look fine"

"I'm wearing SWEATS"

"So…"

Guys just didn't understand.

"I'll just be a few minutes."

***

An hour later we were sitting outside Paul and Lilly's café called, Café Dork. It took her half hour to change and another 30 to drive here. All for a bagel...but oh what a bagel. I was sitting at the counter and Alex wandered with a macadamia nut cookie. Paul and Lilly kept a strict no eating in the book section policy, but pregnant Madden's were exempt.

"So you're coaching Sunday?"

"I'm so nervous man." Paul shook his head. "What if I…LEAH…no!" he ran out and caught her before she pulled a book out of a neatly arranged display. "Man I hate when Lilly goes to school."

I smiled. Lilly was a teaching assistant at the community college. 3 days out of the week Paul ran the store and took care of the kids by himself until 2:30. Leah was the same age as Zack, but she wasn't in preschool. She stayed home and made trouble for her parents. According to Paul climbing things or hiding things were her favorite games.

"Hey Joel! They have that book." Alex called.

"What book?" I asked, matching her calling tone.

"The BOOK." She urged.

"What book?"

"The ONE, ya know, the one we've been looking for…"

"The one on pregnancy sex?"

"Joel, just get your ass over here!?" she yelled.

Paul smirked at me and he sat Leah on the counter.

***

"Good job you ass, tell the whole world."

"Stop it, Al." He crossed his arms across my breasts and leaned his head on my neck.

"Get off you're itchy." I shrugged his head away.

"Baby, would you stop it. It's getting really annoying."

"I'm annoying?"

"Alex, I don't wanna fight."

"Too bad"

"Baby, please…" He made this adorable little pout.

"You are not going to make me back down because you're cute, Joel."

"Look I'm sorry, forget I said anything."

"Damn straight." I told him. "Now look."

He leaned over the book and looked with me.

"Oh my God!" His eyebrows jumped and he blushed. "That's so…graphic."

"Oh relax." I rolled my eyes. "It's just sex."

"But look they’re like doing it…I mean…wow."

"Jeez, Joel don't be such a virgin."

He made a face. I smirked.

"Does this mean we're going to have sex?"

"I didn't say that."

"Aww, man, then why're you teasing me babe."

"Oh, so now it's getting you hot?" I almost laughed at him. His cheeks turned a very bright shade of pink.

"W-well…are we buying the book?"

"God, Joel, no! I don't want Paul to see it." I shook my head.

"Oh, but…"

"Besides Joel you know we aren't supposed to have sex at all."

"I know." He seemed so disappointed. This far in the pregnancy the doctor decided it wasn't a good idea for us to have sex, there was a risk of damage since my uterus seemed to be extremely fragile. I was going to have my baby, my beautiful healthy baby boy.

"Don't feel so neglected baby." I slung an arm around his neck. "It all goes to a good cause."

He smiled and put his hand on my stomach. "I know."

"Awww." Paul cooed as we walked back towards the counter.

"Awwwwww" Leah repeated.

"I wish Lilly was pregnant." he sighed. "You wanna little brother, Leah?"

"No." she shook her head and stuck her cookie in her mouth. Paul smirked and kissed her forehead.

"I think you'll do fine with the coaching thing." Joel helped himself to a cookie. "I mean as long as Jim and Abby don't have any say."

"I guess you're right." Paul shrugged. "I mean it's just soccer, not life and death."

"To Jim and Abby it is. They were all over me when I coached." Joel made a face. "Jim and Abby are way too competitive."

"Joel…who are Jim and Abby?" I asked. He only said their name like 4 times in the past 5 minutes, what was he, obsessed?

"Ya know…those parents from soccer." He explained. I guess I still looked confused. "You know the ones…you called the wife, Shrek, remember. Cause she so ugly."

"Joel?!"

"Remember they're J and A just like us. Joel and Alex, Jim and Abby."

Sometimes he killed me with adorableness.

"They have that meathead kid…Jimmy."

"The one who pushed Sam?" I suddenly remembered. They're on the same team and he knock the wind out of Sam on the field.

"Yeah, that little bastard."

"Joel, he's a kid"

"So! He pushed my kid!" he suddenly clenched his fists.

"Calm down." I grabbed his hand and my phone started buzzing in my purse.

It was Jessa. "Hello?"

"Hey, you think you could watch Joel and Noah?" she asked. "We gotta go to Ben's school."

"Oh, I'm not home." I shrugged even though she couldn't see me.

"Oh…damn…okay, it's alright. Thanks anyway." She hung up.

I didn't really feel like taking on all 3 of the little boys anyway. Joel and Noah fight like cats and dogs and then when Zack's there they turn into the screaming chorus of monsters.

The phone in the store rang on the counter.

"Canna answer it, daddy?" Leah grinned.

"Uh…" He didn't get to answer cause she picked it up.

"HI!" she made a face as she listened to the person on the other end. "It's your lady friend."

Paul looked really embarrassed and confused. Joel and I looked at each other. Of all the men I knew Paul was least likely to cheat on his wife.

"Um….hello?" he asked, cautiously. "Oh, hi Jess. Phew…naw sorry, I'm watching the store today. Lilly's got school today. Okay, see ya. Bye."

"Bye bye" Leah waved.

"That was Jessa, Leah. You know Jessa."

"Uh huh." She nodded and scowled at Joel as he reached for another cookie. "Daddy he's eating all the cookies!"

"She's right Joel, I do have paying customers."

"Hey I paid!"

"You paid for ONE, one cookie Joel."

"But…I'm…hungry" he explained and Leah gave him an evil look. "Alright, alright, how much, little lady?"

"That's a hundred bucks!" Leah held out her little hand to Joel.

"A HUNDRED BUCKS?!" Joel acted all shocked. "Okay, here." He handed her some pennies.

"Thank you, come later." Leah waved and stuck the pennies in her pocket. She definitely spent too much time in this place.

***

We went to pick up Zack together. We hung out at Paul's for a lot longer than we wanted to, but it's not like we had much to do. I didn't have work today and there were no appointments, we could just chill out and play with our kids. I liked just hanging out with Alex and the boys. Made me feel all warm inside.

We joined the group of parents waiting outside the kindergarten and preschool rooms. All the kids would come flying out in about 3 minutes. It was like a stampede of fingerpaintings, Oshkosh and "mommy" "daddy" "mommy" "daddy". You had to grab your kid and get away from the hustle as fast as possible, at least that's the way I saw it.

"Uncle Chris, when Noah comes out can we have cookies." I turned around and saw Chris approaching with Joel.

"When we get back to my house." He answered.

"Chocachips cookies?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Yay!!" Joel danced. "I like when you sit us uncle Chris."

"Hey Chris." I waved.

"Hey Joel."

"Uncle Joel! Hi!" Joely waved. "Chu have me name, uncle Joel." He says that every time he sees me.

"No, Joely, you have MY name." I corrected.

Joel shrugged. I smiled. He was one cute kid. He looked just like Benji, with his little belly and chubby arms and legs.

"So, what's up?" I motioned to Chris holding Joel's little hand.

"Oh, Benj and Jess gotta go to Ben's school or something, so I'm gonna watch the boys." Chris nodded.

"That's nice." I smiled. Chris made this face at me. "I...cause…you…I mean you can watch the boys fine, it's all good."

"Don't talk to Joel, Chris, you know how he is." Alex shook her head.

"What do you mean, how I am?"

"Momma!" Zack came running out with Noah, waving a yellow paper around his head.

"Hi baby." She started to lean towards him. "Hi Noah."

"Hi." Noah said quietly.

"Hey, Noh, you and Joely are gonna play at my house today, okay?" Chris patted Noah's shoulder.

"We gonna have cookies!"

"MMM, cookies." I rubbed my belly.

"Can we have cookies too daddy?" Zack grinned.

"Sure, shrimp." I picked him up and pulled him over my shoulder.

"Ahhhhh, daddy, put me down, DADDY!" Zack screamed.

"What? Who? Who said that?"

"DADDY!"

"Alex, did you hear something?" I looked around innocently.

"DADDY?!" he giggled. "I wanna gooooooo down."

"I wanna play!" Joely reached his arms up. "Pick me up, pick me up, Uncle Joely."

"Alex, there's a little boy on my shoulder. Oh, it's my son." I smiled. "Hi Zacky."

Alex and Chris both grinned at me.

"Daddy." He was out of breath. "Can you put me down now?"

"Hmm, what's the magic word?"

"Please?"

"Hmmm, I dunno, Noah, is please the magic word?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Are you sure? It's not COOKIES!"

"Cookies, cookies, I wanna play!" Joel bounced almost jumping on my toes.

I laughed, I couldn’t help it. Joel was just too funny. I set Zack down gently.

"Alright boys, it's over now."

"Aww, that sucks." Joely pouted.

"Joel, shh, I know your mom and dad don't let you say that." Chris told him. He just crossed his little arms across his chest. "C'mon lets go home and have cookies."

"Okay." Noah took his hand.

I grabbed Zack's yellow paper as we head towards our cars. "What's this buddy?"

"We're goin' ona feel trip."

"Oh really, co—"

"Noah! Noah!" A tall young woman ran out after us, sweeping her reddish brown hair out of her face. "You forgot your permission slip kiddo."

"Oh, thank you." Noah smiled.

"Yeah, thanks." Chris just stared at her. I wanted to giggle. Chris liked her. God, what am I, 16?

"Are you…Noah's father?" She looked confused.

"Oh, oh no, I'm his uncle." Chris smiled nervously. "His uncle Chris."

"Well, it was nice meeting you, uncle Chris." she smiled and waved. "Bye Noah, bye Zack."

The kids waved. Chris smiled all goofy, watching her walk away.

"You alright man?" I asked, patting his shoulder.

"Oh yeah, sure." He nodded. "Who's she, Noh?"

"Miss Angie, she's a teacher." He explained.

"Hmm, Angie. Angie's a pretty name."

Alex and I looked at each other and smiled.

"We'll see ya later, Chris."

"Yeah, yeah, sure. C'mon boys, let's go get those cookies." He lifted Joel into his truck.

We continued on to our car and I helped Zack in as Alex climbed into the passengers side.

"Did you see how Chris was looking at her?"

Alex laughed. "Yeah, his eyes were falling out of his head."

"She's cute, they should hook up."

"Joel?!"

"What?"

She shook her head. "Just…nevermind."

I shrugged and turned to Zack. "You have a good day at preschool, shrimp?"

"Uh huh. Me and Noah made a fort, for the cousins, and then the teacher made us get out and play with everybody else."

"Well, it's important Zacky…"

Alex lurched forward and giggled.

"What?" I asked. "Is my speech funny?"

"Baby's kicking"

"Awww." I smiled and moved around to the front seat so I could feel. Alex smiled at me as I pressed my hand to her belly.

"He moves around a lot." She commented.

"Cause he's happy and healthy, cause he's gotta a good mommy."

"I gots the best mommy." Zack added.

"Yup, that's right shrimp." I smiled at her.

I couldn't wait to have another one. Our beautiful new healthy baby boy. Everything was going real well and smoothly. I got into the car, smiling over at her and patting her stomach. I loved her so much. And I loved our new little baby boy. I remember precisely the night he was conceived, how everything about that night was right. How we felt meant to be. How she needed me and I needed her.

***

"Al…" I reached for her and she wasn't there. I sat up in bed and looked across the room. I could see her silhouette in the window frame. She was sitting in the rocking chair, facing the dark creek. Her knees were gathered up to her chest. She was quiet and still and I wasn't even sure she heard me call for her.

"Alex?" I started to crawl out of our tangle of covers. She sighed.

"Babe?" I stood next to her. She looked up at me with sad eyes. My shoulders drooped. "What's the matter?"

"He would've been born tonight." She continued staring at the water.

"Oh Al…" I shut my eyes so not to think about it. Our lost little baby. We lost him almost 4 months ago. He wrapped his umbilical cord around himself and cut off his blood and oxygen and food. It was completely heartbreaking for me, but more so for Alex. I can't pretend I knew what it feels like to loose something inside you. Tears started to fall down her smooth face.

"Oh Al, oh baby, don't." I pulled her up and held her to my chest. She embraced me as she sobbed.

"I miss him, Joel. I want him." she cried. "I want him back."

"Baby, it's alright." I rubbed her back, trying hard not to cry too.

"No, no it's not alright."

"It's okay, he's our little angel that God sent for, he must have to do something really important Peaches, it's not our fault."

She sniffed her tears and was quiet. I ran my hand through her hair and gently kissed her forehead. I shut my eyes tight and held her there a few minutes. Stroking her hair, rubbing her back, feeling her warm body.

"Oh Joel."

"Shh, baby." I rubbed my hands up and down her back. "Let's go back to bed."

I motioned my neck and she kissed me. Leaning into me, arms twining around my neck. I smiled and picked her up as her legs wrapped around my waist. I laid her down leaning over her and pressing short kisses along her delicate neck.

"Mmm," she moaned, flicking her tongue out against my ear, her hands rubbing down my back. "Mmm, baby, please?"

I smiled, it's not like she had to ask. I got up off of her, tearing my shirt over my head. She was wearing only the top to a pair of her silky pajamas. That made it easier, no pants to mess with. I unbuttoned her shirt, exposing one breast and then the other. Leaning down to tease her nipples lightly. She sighed with want and my hands moved down to remove her underwear. She was wearing a cute lacey pair; I loved lacey underwear, they're so sexy. I felt myself growing against her thighs.

Her fingertips danced along the waist of my shorts. She grazed her nails along my happy trail, making me shutter in excitement. Finally they came off, and I kicked them free from my legs. Her hand grabbed my ass and I almost laughed, but I was trying to remember the "seriousness" of sex with my wife. I just couldn't spoil the mood now. Still she'd never grabbed my butt, well not in bed.

I broke the silence with a grunt and entered her hard. She winced and panted, she wasn't ready. I kissed her again before proceeding, creating a steady pattern. Fluttering my eyes closed and relaxing to the feel of her surrounding me.

"Oh Joely" she whispered, softly moaning my name.

I liked when she said my name like that. I think some people would think it's weird to be called by such a babyish name, but I'd die before I told anyone my wife called me Joely when I made love to her. It was just one of those intimate details that stayed trapped between us, between our bodies when they met and became one another. Where I ended and she began I didn't know, didn't need to know. I just needed to be in her.

Her legs wrapped tighter, her hands clenching around my wrists, chest arching upwards to press her hips to mine. This was it. What happened next was a series of ooo's, ahh's, grunts, groans. The muscles inside her grabbing hold of me and squeezing. I pushed in deeper screwing my eyes shut and cursing as I emptied and she cried out, louder and more throaty.

"Baby…Joely." She whined when we finished. And just like always I was flushed and out of breath and couldn’t speak. My lips blindly sought her face, laying big wet messy kisses on her cheeks. She laughed beneath me.

"You're like a slobbering puppy." She giggled fighting away my lips.

"Oh yeah?" I licked her cheek and ears.

"Joel!" she shouted and tried to wiggle from my grasp.

I caught her in my arms and shushed her.

"Baby, don't wake up the boys."

She smiled and kissed me. "Oh Joely, I love you."

"I love you too." I said, rolling off and bring her close to me. "So much more than you'll ever EVER know."

***

About a month an a half later we found we were pregnant. We were so excited. Like it was another chance. Alex was scared and nervous. The thought of losing another one was too much to handle so we went to a specialist to ensure everything'd go right this time. He made Alex quit her job and devote her whole time to being an "incubator."

She hated it, but she wanted this baby more than anything. And we promised she'd go back to working after the baby was big enough.

Now here we are 8 weeks from our due date. The room was all set up, me and Benji painted it this cool purple blue that reminded Alex of the sunset colors back in California. Little shirts and socks and blankets were bought. I reassembled the blue crib with the moon carved in it, that we bought before Sam was born. Everything was ready. We were ready and I couldn't wait.

***

"Anna Begins" Counting Crows, from the album August and Everything After

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