Chapter 7 "After All is Said and Done"

"Jess, I want Ben to be able to trust me."

"He's my son too!" I argued.

"Look, I don't want you to be mad at me." he said. "I wouldn't keep something from you if it was important, babe."

"But this IS important!"

Benji sighed.

"He had reasons for doing what he did, Jess."

"Benji, he beat the shit out of some kid way bigger than him. Did you see that kid? He's as big as Paul!"

"Look it…it has to do with Georgie and I don't wanna get into it." He shook his head. "I don't want to upset him anymore, okay. He made me promise not to tell you."

"But…"

"He doesn't want you to feel bad for him, so don't. Just treat him like your kid, okay?"

I took a breath and nodded. "Okay." But it wasn't an easy thing for me to accept. That something was hurting him and I couldn't help him. I frowned but I didn't have time to brood over it because the phone rang. I ran off to the living room to answer it.

"Hello?"

"H-hey Jess, um, I was wondering if…" It was Sarah, she sounded upset. Isabel went over there about an hour ago to play with the girls. "If you could come get Isabel."

***

"Sarah…are you okay?" I could hear Jessa in the other room on the phone. "You just…you sound like you're crying…oh sorry, it just sounds like…"

I marched into the living room.

"Is that Sarah?"

Jessa signaled to give her a minute.

"Jessa, if my sister's crying give me the phone."

"Benji's being weird, but I'll go get Isabel then….oh, um…yeah that's okay." She nodded. I sighed as she hung up. "Geez, Benj, what's your problem?"

"Was Sarah crying?!" I asked forcefully.

"No, I thought she was but she has a cold."

"Cold, my ass." I muttered.

"What is your problem?"

"Nothing." I shook my head. "Can I go get Isabel?"

"Sure. Cate and Anna are coming over too."

"Why?"

"Geez, Benj, they're your nieces." She looked at me like I was crazy. "Sar's not feeling well. I said we could watch 'em, no big deal right?"

"No, it's fine."

Excuses, excuses. Joel was right, I was right and something was wrong with Sarah.

"Benj…are you okay?" Jessa touched my shoulder.

"What?!"

"You were muttering under your breath."

"Sorry, I…I'm worried about Sarah."

"Aww, Benj, that's so cute."

"No, Jess, something's wrong. Something's really wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me your honest opinion, Jess, was Sarah crying?"

She thought about it, then nodded. "She sounded like she was crying."

"Goddamnit." I shook with rage.

"Benji! Whoa, baby, calm down." she rubbed her hands up and down my arms.

"I'm sorry." I took a deep breath.

"What's going on?" she asked concerned.

"I don't know yet, but…I..I have to get my sister out of there." I said looking her in the eye.

"Benj?"

"Jessa, I can't let this happen to her."

"Do you think Lewis is…"

"I have to get her out of there, Jess." I picked up my keys off the hook.

"Hey, hey!" she followed me. "Don't do anything crazy, Benji."

"Jessa?! I rolled my eyes.

"I mean it Benji, promise me you will talk to her about it first!"

"I promise." I nodded and leaned and kissed her goodbye.

I turned and walked towards the cars.

"Baby?!" she called to me.

"Yeah?" I looked back.

"Promise me you won't let the girls see." She asked earnestly. She knew, like I did and she knew what I was going to do to him if he was hurting my baby sister.

"I promise Jess."

***

I pulled up to the house and got out. Lewis's car wasn't in the driveway. I had a really sick feeling as I walked up. Like I was gonna walk in on a scene from my childhood. I didn't knock, I opened the door, knocking. No one was in the front room.

"Hello?" I heard little feet pounding around the house.

"Daddy!" Isabel ran over, Anna on her heels, both of them in Sarah's dresses, draping over their shoulders.

"Hi baby girl." I kissed her forehead.

"Hi uncle Benji!" Anna waved.

"Hiya Anna banana." I smiled. Anna giggled. "Where's your mommy?"

"Auntie Sarah's in her bedroom. I thought mommy was picking us up?"

"Change of plans kiddo, why don't you guys put away your dress up clothes and get ready to go?"

"Okay daddy." Iz took charge like she always does. "C'mon Anna banana."

I started towards the back of the house where Sarah and Lewis's room was. "Sarah?" I called. "Sar?"

"Benji?" she sounded alarmed.

"Yeah, it's me. Open the door."

"W-where's Jessa?"

"I came instead. Open the door, Sarah."

"I'm really tired. Thanks for taking the girls."

"Sarah open this door right now!"

She was quiet.

"Sarah!!" I pounded on the door.

"Don't bother, mommy." Cate was standing behind me with a backpack on her back.

"Catie, what happened?"

"Nothing." She grimaced. "Can we go to your house now?"

"Cate, tell me what happened?"

"NOTHING!" she yelled at me.

I was getting even more worried.

"Cate please go wait with Iz and Anna." I instructed and she raced off. "Sarah!" I pounded on the door. "Open the door Sarah, I'm calling Joel."

I took out my phone and dialed.

"Yo, Benj, sup?"

"Come over to Sarah's right now!"

"What happened?"

"Right now Joel!" I repeated, hoping he felt what I felt. We were supposed to leave for NY in a few hours to see a showcase, but it didn't look like that was happening.

"Alright."

"Sar?"

"Just go now Benji, please. I'm sick." She was crying and she pretended to cough.

"Sarah, don't lie to me."

"Please Benji, just leave. Please."

"Why, is he coming back here? Huh?" I pounded. "Are you protecting him Sarah!?!"

"Daddy?" I turned at Isabel's voice. "Is something wrong?"

"Go to the living room Isabel, now." I yelled and she jumped. Damnit, I shouldn't have done that. "Sarah, Joel's coming. Keep it up, and I'll call Josh too."

Again she was silent. I left her and went into the living room, where all 3 girls were sitting on the couch waiting.

"Iz, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I didn't mean to."

"Are you mad?" she asked.

"Kind of." I answered. "You guys wanna watch cartoons or something?"

"Can we watch the fishie?" Anna asked.

"Sure." As soon as I found out what the fishie was.

"She wants Finding Nemo." Cate stood up.

"Oh, alright." I started looking in the cabinet by the TV for the movie. You'd think it'd be right on top if it was Anna's favorite. But I'm sure Monsters Inc, sleeping Beauty and the Little Mermaid were all her 'favorites' too. "Found it!"

"YAY!" Anna giggled. It'd be nice to have more girls.

"Benj, what's up? What's going on?" Joel pounded in. "Hi princess. Hi girls."

"Uncle Joely too, yay!" Anna continued bouncing around.

"Hey banana." Joel leaned down and gave her a hug. "Hi Cate."

Cate pouted. I didn't like the look on her face. It was full of hate. She was 6 years old, she shouldn't know what hate means yet. Joel handed the girls suckers. For some reason he kept a supply of dum dum's in his car and office.

"You girls be good and watch the movie while your uncle Joel and I talk to your mom." I pulled Joel away towards the hallway.

"So what happened Benj?"

"I'm not sure, but she called Jessa crying and now she won't open the door."

Joel nodded, jaw setting. He knocked softly on her door. "Sarah, hey, it's Joel."

"Oh my God!" she yelled. "Benji is overreacting. I'm fine."

"Sarah, you don't have to lie to us. We're your brothers we love you."

"What're you gonna do? Call Momma too? Josh? Go ahead."

I sighed.

"Sarah, please. We just wanna talk to you." I begged.

She was quiet.

"She's been this way the whole time?" Joel turned to me and asked.

I only nodded. I was so worried out of my head. I didn't want to go to New York tonight, I wanted to stay with my sister. I wanted to beat her husband, I wanted to nurse her wounds, I wanted to make Cate laugh, I didn't want Sarah to live it all over again.

"We'll fix it Benji, I swear even if it takes all night, even if it takes all year." He patted my shoulder.

***

We sat and watched Nemo with the girls. It took everyone away for a while I guess. I totally lost track of time until I heard the front door swing open.

"Hey, what's going on?" It was Lewis.

He came into the living room, raising his eyebrow as he came down the brief steps. "Benj, Joel, what are you guys doing here?"

"Daddy." Cate ran over and hugged him.

"Hiya Catie." He kissed her forehead.

"Where's Sarah?" he asked.

"Where were you?" Joel asked suddenly, very firmly. I turned and looked at him, face twisted into pure anger.

"What?" Lewis seemed confused. "What's going on? Where is my wife!?"

"Sarah's in the room, she locked herself in there."

Lewis rolled his eyes. "Still."

"Still?!" I had a tone already.

"Girls, why don't we go play a game in the room?" Joel started pulling them away.

"I wanna be with my daddy." Cate clung to him. Joel grabbed the edge of her shirt.

"I don't know what you think you're doing. This is my family and my daughters." Lewis began yelling at us, hugging Cate tight.

"Oh really?" I asked crossing my arms.

"YEAH!" Lewis yelled at me, spitting in my face. Asshole. I moved forward ready to grab him by the collar, but Isabel screamed.

"DADDY!"

"What are you doing? Scaring your daughter like that, and my girls. I think you need to leave Benji, before I call the cops."

"Like we couldn't call the cops on you." Joel spat, releasing Cate's shirt.

"What are you talking about?" he seemed confident but his eyes darted.

"Girls, Isabel in the bedroom now." Sarah came down into the room.

"But mommy.."

"Catherine…NOW" she repeated and all 3 girls scampered. I expected her to be covered in bruises or scratches, but she wasn’t. She seemed out of it though, as she walked crookedly to the couch.

"Sar…" Joel sat next to her.

"Joel get off me."

"Sarah, don't do this."

"Do what?! Sit down, all of you." she ordered.

We all sat. Lewis next to her, twining one arm protectively around her shoulders. I sneered.

"I don't know what you guys are trying to do…"

"Protect you Sarah." I quickly answered.

"From what?" she played stupid.

"Sarah…"

"No, Benji, whatever you think, you're wrong. Wrong, understand me!" she stared hard at me. "I don't feel good today and I just couldn’t handle the girls alright."

"And how come you weren't here?" Joel pointed at Lewis.

"I had to, to go to work."

"Sure about that, Lou?" Joel added sarcastically.

"STOP IT!" she yelled. "You have no right to storm into my house and do this to us. You have no right to talk to my husband like that."

"But Sarah…" I tried to look her in the eyes but she wouldn't.

"No, just stop it Benji. please, get Isabel and go home." She shut her eyes in anger, but I knew she was probably gonna cry.

"What about the girls?" Joel asked.

"Well I'm home now…" Lewis started.

"Just go home." Sarah repeated. She opened her eyes and I saw the glossiness. I saw fear. I didn't want to leave. And if I was going to leave I didn't want to leave my nieces here. "Please go home."

***

Joel followed me back home. I couldn't get out of my head the state Sarah was in. It made me want to murder Lewis in his sleep and bring Sarah and the girls here. We went down into the basement where Jessa and I had offices and a playroom. Joel stood, while I fell back into my desk chair.

"Did you see him?" Joel asked seething. "Acting so fucking smug about it."

I was half listening to him rant as my mind wandered to the other night. seeing my dad was kind of haunting. I thought I made my peace a long time ago. I thought it was over and I wasn't a child anymore. But seeing Sarah's family today brought it all back to the surface. All the pain was very real again. Sarah used to cling to 'Daddy', just like Cate, back when I was young enough to have a daddy. I remember looking at her and thinking she was so stupid to hold onto him.

"…And he hugged Cate tighter, like she was his shield." Joel had gone on and on.

"Joel I saw him."

"Saw who? Lewis?" Joel tossed his limbs around.

"Dad. I saw dad."

"Dad?" he spun and looked at me. "Wh-when? Where?"

"Few days ago, in Annapolis, with Noah."

Joel was silent.

"Are you gonna say anything?"

"What'd he say to you?"

"Nothing. We just looked at each other."

Joel shook his head. "Oh, man that's…"

"Hey Joel!" Jessa called down. "You're mommy says you can't play anymore."

She came into the room and leaned against the doorframe. "Alex called, she needs you home."

"Why?"

"I dunno, cause she's your wife and she loves and misses you?" she rolled her eyes.

"Ha, no way." Joel laughed. "I'll see ya later Benj. Ya know, talk some more, figure something out."

"Yeah, yeah." I nodded. Joel made a face and then continued on, waving as he went up the steps.

"Wait, Joel!" Jessa ran. "Don't say goodbye too loud, Joel and Noah are taking a nap."

"Oh, okay."

I love how she's always thinking, that could have been a disaster. Kids are very cranky when they haven't had full naps, believe me I found out the hard way.

"So, are you guys not going to New York?"

"Naw, I don't think so." I shook my head.

"Well, good." She smiled. "Then you get to help me make dinner."

I smirked. "Is that all I'm good for?"

"Oh, believe me you're good for a lot of things."

***

It was nice to have a helper for dinner. The kids are really too small to be much help. I had Benji chopping veggies for a salad. He seemed…weird, distracted about something, like his mind was elsewhere.

"Babe, are you okay?" I asked patting his shoulder.

"No, I'm okay."

"If you really want to go to New York you still can…"

"No, it's o-…OW FUCK?!" He stopped chopping as he cut into his thumb. Bright red blood spilled out and we ran across the kitchen to run it under the cold water. "Ow, ow, ow!"

"Stop being a baby, Benj"

"It HURTS!" he yelled as I began putting pressure on it.

Noah came in after hearing the noise I assumed. Upon seeing his dad and the blood he screamed bloody murder. "Daddy's DYING!!!"

"No, I'm okay, Noh. I promise." Benji quickly assured him.

"It's just a little cut, baby." I added. "It's just like when you scrapped your knee, remember?"

He nodded but looked up at us with this concerned awe as I nursed Benji's wound.

"See Noh, it's fine." He assured him as I took his hand and sprayed it with antiseptic, he winced at the sting and Noah jumped. "No, it's okay, it's not so bad."

"Does it hurt, daddy?"

"No, it's okay, kiddo." He smiled and lied.

Noah watched as I wrapped up his dad's thumb in a bandage.

"What's happenin' chu guys?!" Joel came in rubbing his sleepy head, cookie monster tucked under his little arm. He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the bandage around his dad's thumb.

"Did you get an owwie, dadda?" he joined Noah in staring.

"I'm alright buddy." I hoped Benji was feeling stupid for being a big baby about this.

"I'ma get my ambalance truck." Joel ran off to find it.

By the time Joel returned Benji was all bandaged up. He had brought Isabel down too, she had her little doctor bag and stethoscope around her neck. He set his truck on the floor and led his dad over.

"Okay, get inda ambalance truck dadda."

Benji smiled. "I don't think I'll fit, buddy."

Joel made a face and thumped his finger against his forehead. "You gotta use your imaginatiums, dadda."

I had to keep from laughing out loud at the cuteness of it all.

"Oh, okay."

"Are chu in?"

"Yup." Benji nodded.

"Okay, here we goooooo!" Joel crawled along the floor, pushing the truck and making the noises. "Dadda, you gotta make the noise too."

"Oh." Benji joined him and they continued.

When they reached the couch, Joel had his dad to sit down. Isabel leaned over to examine him.

"Hello, mister, I'm Dr. Madden. I'm gonna take care of you." Isabel told him.

"Okay, doc." Benji laughed.

"No laughing, you might hurt yourself." 'Dr. Madden' told him.

"Sorry, doc."

She kept tilting her head to look at Benji. Telling him to say "ahh," tapping his knees, pulling his earlobes. She even made him take off his shoes and wiggle his toes.

"Now, mister, tell me whatsa matter?"

"I cut my finger" Benji held up his bandaged thumb.

"That's your thumb, daddy."

"Sorry, my thumb."

"Um hmm, um hmm." Isabel nodded. "Yup, looks like you need surgery."

"Surgery?"

"Nurse! My spatula please."

"Okie." Joel reached for some tool in Izzy's bag.

"Joely, you were the ambulance driver. You're a boy."

Oh God, it's so like Benji to make Joel think nursing is a girl's job, surprised he didn't ask Noah to be the doctor.

"So." Joel looked confused. Good boy!

"I wanna be the nurse!" Noah ran over.

"I'm the nurse."

"But I wanna take care of daddy too."

"No NO-AH, it's mine."

"Boys!" Benji tried to break up the growing argument. He looked up at me and I made a face. He read it, it was a you-better-let-the-boys-just-play-and-not-show-them-how-to-be-pig-headed-males face.

"You can both be nurses." Benji swallowed and smiled at them.

"YAY!" Noah handed Isabel her tool.

"Thank you, nurse Noah." She leaned over her dad a few seconds. "This won't hurt at all dad—mister."

"Can I gibe him a shot!?" Joel shouted.

"Hold on." Isabel tapped at her dad's thumb a little more. "Ok, give him the shot."

Joel pushed a plastic thermometer at Benji's arm. "BAM, I got you."

"Okay, you are all better now." Isabel nodded, standing up, proudly. "I fixed you."

"Can I have a kiss?" Benji asked pouting.

She sighed. "Okay." And then leaned over and kissed his thumb.

"Thank you, baby."

"DADDY!"

"I mean doctor, thank you doctor." Benji smiled again. "How 'bout a hug?"

"Doctors don't hug you."

"Can my nurses hug me?"

Joel ran into Benji's outstretched arms, Noah plowing in behind him.

"NO-AH, I'm giving dadda a hug." Joel complained.

"But daddy's big unuff for me AND you." Noah said.

"of course I am." Benji hugged them both tight. "I feel much better now. I love you guys." He hugged them again.

Something seemed wrong. Not that he didn't love the kids or didn't hug them like that often. It's just that he didn't look "better." He looked depressed, heavy-hearted and whatever it was I know he wouldn't talk to me about it, not in front of the kids. He was so determined to not let them see or feel his pain. It's natural for him to want to shield them from that great big bad world out there, but he of all people should know that he can't. That one day they'll grow up and get hurt and make mistakes, it's human nature. We know all about human nature.

***

"Simple Kind of Life" No Doubt, from the album Return of Saturn

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