"Do you know why I called your parent's here, Ben?"

"Yes." He muttered.

"Are you going to tell them the reason?" the vice principal was a tiny Mr. Rogers looking man. He spoke really calm, it was like one of those soothing ocean water CD's.

Ben rolled his eyes and played with his hands. He sighed. Jessa and I stared at him, waiting for an answer. "I punched that stupid asshole."

"EXCUSE ME?!" I stood up.

"You did what?" Jessa was stunned.

"Ben, we do not use that language on school premises, you might be allowed to at ho—"

"Oh no he isn't." I assured.

"Do you wanna explain what happened, Ben?"

"Why don't you explain, since you know so much." Ben rolled his eyes.

"Ben, you don't talk like that…to anyone"

I couldn't believe this. After all his academic awards and praises from the teachers he was kid least likely to cause trouble. To be taken out of the studio, find a sitter for Joel and Noah, just to talk with the vice principal…this was huge. This was something I used to do. My mom shaking her head at me across the office, Joel and Sarah and Paul on the other side of the door trying to peek in; but Ben, my Ben, punching some kid.

"Ben…" he motioned for Ben to explain.

"Pete was sitting behind me in math. Like always. And he was talking to me and…"

"Just talking to you?" the VP pushed.

Ben sneered. "teasing me, alright?" I saw him glance at me full of guilt. As if I was going to be angry he was teased. "Anyway, I just…I couldn't…"

He was quiet a minute.

"I HATE that guy." Ben finished.

"You hit him?" Jessa asked.

Ben nodded.

"Ben…"

"You weren't there mom, you didn't hear him…you…" He got all red in the face.

"Where is this other kid?" I asked. "Pete."

"Pete's being seen to by the school nurse. He might need to go to the emergency room for stitches."

"Stitches?!" Jessa shut her eyes and took a deep breath. Ben must have beat the shit out of him.

"Who is this kid, Ben, how come we've never heard of him?"

"He's a jerk."

"Peter Mackie is an 8^th grader…according to Mrs. Fellows, Ben was tutoring him."

"I was not. I wouldn't help that stupid, ignorant…"

"Ben calm down." It was scaring me. I mean he'd always been moody and kind of dark, he was MY kid, but he wasn't angry. I didn't think he inherited my temper too.

"This is a very serious offense Mr. and Mrs. Madden."

"We understand" I nodded.

"You understand our school carries a zero tolerance policy, yes."

Jessa and I both nodded.

"Well we have no choice but to suspend Ben for a period of 1 week."

"And what about the other kid?" I asked.

"The victim?"

"Victim?!" Jessa's eyebrows raised. "So Ben's this criminal? Whatever he did was not some malicious attack, he was provoked and the other kid needs to be punished as well."

"Well you weren't there Mrs. Madden"

"I assume you were?" she asked snidely. "Zero tolerance means ZERO tolerance."

"I understand that, but Mr. Mackie didn't assault your son."

"Now it's 'assault'?" Ben gaped.

"I don't know how things are solved where you come from but…"

"Where we COME from? We come from 3 blocks away!" Jessa stood up. "We're leaving."

"Jess." I grabbed her arm.

"We're LEAVING" she repeated. "Ben get your things."

"Mrs. Madden please."

"Are you going to explain to me like a child?" Jessa spun on her heel. "I KNOW what my child did was wrong, I don't condone it or agree with it. By all means, suspend him, but I also KNOW my kid and he wouldn't out of the blue beat on some other kid for no reason at all. You heard what he said, Pete was teasing him, now obviously it was bad if Ben got that angry. You think I don't see what you're trying to say…"

"There's no need to be defensive. Let's all calm down."

"I know what you THINK about my family and I know you think that you're better than us, but we know how to raise our own kids and we know how to handle them." she almost spit in his face. All Ben and I, and the secretaries in the office, could do was watch her in a state of respectful awe. "Let's go."

She swung the door of the office open and marched out into the sunlight.

"You go, mom." Ben commented.

"I don't wanna hear a word out of you Benjamin." She was a little more than pissed off at this point.

"Why don't I drive Jess?" I said cautiously. She nodded and handed me the keys.

***

"I can't believe he did this? I just…" I rubbed my temples. "Ben..is…Benji he's a good kid. What could this kid have done to him?"

"I dunno Jess. He's a bully." He shrugged. "He could have done a lot of things. You know how kids are."

"So are you guys just gonna yell about me when I can hear everything you're saying?" Ben walked in with his hands in his pockets. "Look I know you told me to stay in my room, but…I…I just wanted to know if you think what I did was wrong, too."

"Ben, we don't understand what you did." I explained.

"Do you wanna talk about it Ben?" Benji asked.

"No."

"Then go back to your room."

"Dad!"

"Ben…" he sighed. "Look kiddo…we know it's not like you to…"

"Maybe it IS like me? Do you even know?" He threw his hands in the air.

"Ben…" I stared at him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'll go be grounded now." He stuck his hands back in his pockets and slumped upstairs, his door gently slamming shut.

Benji fell into the couch.

"Okay, so now I'm even more worried. This is serious isn't it?" I know I sounded scared cause I was scared. I didn't know what to do.

Benji stood up and headed for the stairs. I followed him.

"No, Jess." He stopped me and continued up.

***

"Ben," I rapped his door. "Get your jacket, let's go."

"Go?" he questioned. "Go where?"

"With me, now. Let's go."

He stood up and I guess he thought he was in big trouble. He wasn't, but I wasn't about to let him think he was off the hook. I ushered him down the stairs. Jessa met us at the bottom with her hands on her hips. She and Ben looked at each other a minute and he must have had the sad "I think Dad's gonna kill me face", because she glared at me.

"Benji…"

"Buh, buh Jess, I'm gonna take Ben somewhere, we'll be back in a few hours. Don't worry."

"But Benji…"

"Go ahead and go get the boys." I instructed. "Don't worry about this Jess. I got it."

"But…" She fought, futilely. I leaned over and kissed her, my hand still attached to Ben's arm, he gagged.

"Don't worry about it Jess. Special father son stuff." I explained.

We got in the car and drove for awhile before Ben said anything.

"Daaaad?" he said my name slowly and cautiously. It was kinda funny how he thought I was gonna burst or something.

"Beeeen?" I matched the tone.

"Where're we going?"

"Annapolis"

"Why?"

"You'll see." I grinned.

***

"You know my dad took all us kids out here once." I said. "Me, your uncle Joel and uncle Josh and aunt Sarah, so we could get milkshakes. And me and Joel were wearing these matching sweaters with our initials on them and we spun around in circles, around and around and around. Then I threw up and…"

"Why do you think I care about stupid monogrammed sweaters and you ralphing on the pier? This happened like a million years ago. Let it go, dad, it's over." He sunk his hands deeper into his sweatshirt pockets and leaned against the rail.

"You know what Ben, you're right"

"I am"

"Yes, you are. I've always kept so much stuff inside of me. I always…" I smirked. "I always waited until it made me burst and I got angry and…Ben?"

"What?" he looked me in the eye.

"Believe me, I understand this. I understand what you're going though."

"No, you don't."

"Ben. You're a lot like me…"

"Oh great." He threw up his hands and paced around.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't wanna be you. I wanna be ME, Ben, not Benji's kid." He shouted. "Just…Ben."

"Oh."

"You don't get it. I go to that school, with all those normal kids and I just wanna be like them. but I'm not. I'm not normal." It was like talking to myself. I would have said the same thing at a certain age. "Those kids don't live in this huge house on the bay…"

"Courtnie does."

"Courtnie's dad screws my math teacher." Ben shouted.

"Wh-what?!"

"It's not like it's a secret." He rolled his eyes. Well it was a secret to me.

"Look, kid, living in a big house and having money isn't anything to be ashamed of. That's not the problem."

"You don't know. You were poor."

"Ben you aren't listening to me."

"Fine. What?"

"Yeah, I was poor when I was a kid. Really poor. My dad used to sleep around and hit my mom and my life was bad. I thought my life sucked…"

"Well, it did." He pointed out.

"And that I was the only one and it'd never get any better. I hated going to school cause everyone else had new clothes and new stuff and it was like 'oh they have the life, if only I had money my life would be better' "

"Did it get better?"

"You tell me." I shrugged. "I had failed relationships, a temper, addictions, but I had money didn't I? Didn't make a difference, I still wasn't any better off."

"So, what are you saying?"

"It's not having money or not having money. Something else is wrong." I explained. "It's up to you to figure out and tell me, cause something's bothering you and it's not my bank account."

***

"Did kids tease you cause you were poor?"

"Yeah, all the time and cause I was short and a lot of stupid reasons."

"What'd you do?"

"Same thing as you, beat the shit out of the assholes."

Ben's eyes went wide as if he couldn't believe I said that.

"Look, kid, it's not wrong for you to defend yourself and to stick up for yourself. You don't let anybody make you feel like shit, okay?" I said pointing my hands to emphasize my point. "But you can't go beating up everybody. You can't just let that anger boil over like that."

"But…you…you didn't." he started getting red in the face again.

"Ben, what happened?" I put my hand on his shoulder.

"No, nevermind." He shook his head. "Can I have a soda?"

"Yeah." I nodded stepping inside the restaurant for the second time this week, with another of my sons. I immediately looked left towards the booth by the window and for a second he was sitting there again with the same weird expression on his face.

"Are you okay, Dad? Do you know that guy?"

I looked closer at the man sitting there. Suit and tie, coffee cup. "Nope, never seen him. can we get these to go?" I asked.

He made a face at me. "I thought you liked this place? Said your Dad took you here and stuff."

"Yeah, I just…can we go back out on the pier?"

Ben and I just stared at each other a minute. Secrets boiling beneath our surfaces. It was kind of like looking at Joel, that's how much he looked like me. He had freckles and moles spread across his face but his hair was naturally darker, his nose was rounder, his earlobes were big…like Georgie.

"So how many clones do you have?" the waitress asked.

"What?"

"You were in here a few days ago. With your kid, looks just like ya."

"Oh, oh yeah. Yeah this is my eldest son." I nodded.

She smiled. "What can I get you?"

"Just a couple of Cokes to go."

"Do you have Dr. Pepper?" Ben asked. I didn't know he liked Dr. Pepper.

"Yes."

"Can I have that then, please?"

"Sure."

After we got our drinks we went back on the pier. Leaning on the railing and looking out. I sighed. This was hard.

"Be—"

"Please just stop. I don't feel like talking right now. I know you really want me too, but I guess I'm being difficult."

"Fine." I shrugged. I took another breath of the salt water. "You know why I don't wanna go in the restaurant?"

"Cause you don't want people staring at you and your clone?"

I might as well say it to someone and it might as well be Ben. "I saw my dad."

"Your dad was in there?" he looked back.

"Not right now. The other night, when I was with Noah." I finished. Bowing my head and then taking a drag off my straw.

"So." he said. "Did you say anything?"

"No. Nothing." I bit my lip. "Should I have?"

"I dunno, he's your dad." He shrugged.

"I woulda said something." He resolved. "I mean if my mom coulda been sitting there I would have…" he looked at me. "Nevermind."

"No, what? What about your mom?" I paused.

He sighed and slumped his shoulders, defeated. I broke in and he knew it. "I don't remember much about my mom. It's nothing."

"What DO you remember?"

He sighed again and looked at me. Like he couldn't believe he was gonna tell me. He looked at the water as he spoke.

"She had this boyfriend named Robert. He used to give me beer to make me shut up. I was always talking and it bothered him. She used to hit his arm and take the beer away and tell him not to do that, but I guess she didn't really care." He paused. "I watched a lot of TV. I don't remember if mom was there or not."

I shut my eyes. What the hell had she turned into? I just pictured this dirty little boy sitting in a dirty apartment by himself watching cartoons or something. He sighed.

"The only other thing I remember is when she was sleeping. She was lying there all still and her hands were so cold. I told the paramedic that she must have touched the snow without gloves. I remember, kinda knowing she wasn't there, but I didn't really know. I was so scared, I just sat there holding her cold hand." He quickly brushed off his tears. "I felt really…I knew I was by myself."

"Oh, Ben." I reached out and put my arm around his shoulder, if he wanted me to or no. "Ben I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault." He shook his head. "…it's her's!"

"Ben…"

"It's her fault she died. She killed herself and didn't care what happened to me." He began ranting. "And then he has to go bring it up…"

"Who?" I asked, but I was getting a clearer idea of who and what had happened.

"Pete." Ben said his name, hands clenching on the railing. "He makes fun of me for being smart, and because you’re my dad and because SHE'S my mom. I can't take it. I HATE her, I HATE HER!"

I half expected him to punch the lamp post, but instead he balled up on the floor, resting his head on his knees. I heard him breathe in sharply. He was crying, right here in the middle of the pier, but it wasn't like the fishermen, milling around, cared. I crouched down, patting his shoulder.

"I know I'm not supposed to dad, but…" He looked up at me with this broken look, tears streamed down his face, cheeks puffy and red from his crying and the chill in the air.

"Shh, it's okay." I pulled him into a hug. He was too big to pick up and carry to the car, but he was a little boy too after all. He was my little boy and I hated to see my kids crying. "C'mon…let's go to the car, kiddo." I helped him up.

He wiped his nose on his sleeve. "okay."

We walked to the car and hopped inside. Ben mopped up all his tears into his hoodie. I smiled sympathetically.

"I'm really glad we talked kid." I said. Ben didn't say anything he just nodded. "I want you to know that…you know you can…you can come to me for anything okay?"

"Yeah okay."

"I mean it Ben, you're my son and…and I understand, okay?"

He was quiet but I knew he understood. Satisfied I started the car.

"Dad?"

"What's up?"

"Don't tell mom okay?" he pled. "I don't…I don't want her to think…"

"It's okay, Ben, your secret's safe with me." I smiled. "Ready to go home?"

"Nuh uh." He shook his head.

"Whatdya wanna do, kiddo?"

"For you to stop talking to me like I'm Noh." He rolled his eyes. I looked over at him and we both smirked. Guess he was back in teenager mode.

"Wanna go prank Joel?"

"What? Why?" he asked.

I shrugged. "It's what I always do when I'm bored."

***

Ben was clutching his side, falling over laughing. We'd played ding dong door ditch 4 times already and Joel was still just as confused. He didn't even call the cops.

"No more dad, no, I can't." he said between breaths.

"C'mon one more."

"You do it, he's gonna catch me." Ben said.

I nodded.

Carefully I walked up to the house, Ben was behind me, peaking around the side of the house. I gave him a thumbs up. I crept to the front door and pounded on the door.

"Joel Madden this is the police." I said in a deep voice. "We know you're in there, just come out now and…and no one will get hurt."

I turned and ran back for the side of the house, Ben laughing hysterically, when I tripped over the root of the tree and went flying for the ground. I looked up at Ben and he looked frightened, he quickly hid behind the building.

"Benji!" It was Alex. "What are you 12? What the fuck is wrong with you?" She leaned down to help me up. And once I was standing she hit me.

"Ow…" I ducked as she continued. "Ow, ow ow."

"What the hell is the matter with you? You scared Zack half to death and…and that was just stupid Benji, what is your problem?!" she yelled at me.

"OW, I'm sorry, stop hitting me, please…ow." I crossed my arms over my head. "Ben!"

"Ben? Ben too, you're teaching your son to be a delinquent?"

"Al, stop hitting him." Joel leaned in the doorway.

"Thanks bro." I started walking into the house and got a firm smack to the back of my head. "OW, hey!"

"Unca Benji, daddy's gonna get 'rested." Zack looked up at me.

"No he isn't Zacky, I'm sorry I was playing a joke on your daddy."

"A joke?" he asked. "It wasn't funny unca Benji."

"Yeah, I know." I rolled my eyes.

"Uncle Benji and Ben were bad boys." Joel told Zack.

Without missing a beat Zack stomped his feet and nodded his head, as he sang, "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Bad boys, bad boys…"

I laughed. "You teach him that, Joely?"

"he learned it on his own." Joel shrugged.

"Come one baby, let's go check on dinner." Alex led Zack away.

"Bye bye Unca Benji, bye bye Ben." He waved.

"Bye bye Zacky." I smiled.

"So what are you doing here?" Joel asked.

"Nothing," I shrugged. "We were bored, decided to pull one on ya."

"It wasn't funny, now Alex is mad at me." Joel scratched his beard.

"Maybe you should shave your beard off." I smirked.

"Shut up, Benj." He rolled his eyes. "Hey Ben, how's it going?"

"Alright." Ben had stuck his hands back in his pockets.

"How's, uh, your little girlfriend? Christie?"

"Courtnie?" Ben raised an eyebrow. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Joel!?" I made a face.

"Oh, oh sorry." Joel smiled. "Um…you guys wanna have dinner?"

I turned around and turned my palms up at Ben, to ask if he wanted to stay. He shrugged back and nodded.

"Yeah?" Joel seemed excited. "Cool. Hey Al…"

***

I heard the music from the car as Benji pulled up around 7:30. They'd been gone 4 and a half hours. Without one call. Joel and Noah were all riled up from being with Chris and kept running around the house and yelling. Isabel kept yelling at them and I still wasn't finished with dinner with all their interruptions.

"We're home." Benji called. I heard Ben's footsteps go up the stairs.

"Daddy!" Joel ran for the door.

"Joel! I said no more running."

"Hey little guy," Benji picked him up and smiled at him.

"Momma, dadda's home!" Joel announced.

"I can see that, Joely." I smiled at him, then looked at Benji. "How's Ben?"

"Good, it's okay now, Jess."

"You were out long." I commented. "Where'd you go?"

"Yeah," He shrugged. "Sorry, we went to the pier and then we ate at Joel's"

"Well, what happened?"

"He trusted me to keep his secret" Benji shook his head.

"Benji!" I stared open mouthed.

"Dadda, let's go play." Joel suggested.

"Play?" Benji ignored me. "Whatdya wanna play?"

"I wanna play trucks." He nodded. "Let's play trucks, an' you be da firetruck, and I'ma be da ambalence truck."

"Canna play?" Noah appeared out of the living room.

"Yup, c'mon upstairs guys, let's go get your trucks." Benji started up.

"Benji?!" I called, I can't believe he would just drop it.

"Momma you wanna play trucks?" Joel asked. "C'mon you could be da school truck."

"School BUS!" Noah corrected.

I just looked up the stairs at them. Benji's retreating back. He wasn't gonna say one word about it, was he? He didn't care I was getting upset.

"Mommy can you help me do my homework?" Izzy came up behind me and asked.

I looked up the stairs one more time and could only see the light from the boys room and hear Joel shouting about getting out of the "dribeway." The dribeway being wherever he chose to "dribe" his trucks.

"Yeah I'll help you."

***

"Emotionless" Good Charlotte, from the album the Young and the Hopeless

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