When I'm home
Everything seems to be right
When I'm home
Feeling you holding me tight
Tight yeah.

I wasn't late, but Joel was crying. I had to wake him up in the car. He didn't want to walk into the hotel. I was really regretting having him here with me.

"C'mon, Joely just do this for Mommy, okay?"

"I sleepy Momma, and hungy."

"I know baby, but you gotta come with me. We can have lunch when it's over okay?"

"Okay." He yawned.

I pulled him along, all his little steps close together, barely able to keep up my pace. It was 12:24…my meeting was at 12:30. It was far from 40 minutes late, but still. I was wearing all my most uncomfortable clothes and it didn't make anything easier. Heels clacking against the floor, was my slip showing. I should've worn the pants. Benji didn't even notice, and believe me I NEVER dressed like a woman anymore. I was always mom, with jeans and hoodies and juice stains.

"Wow, Momma." He took the words right out of my mouth.

The place was swanky as hell. There's nothing like this in Maryland. It was like I was walking into some fantasy land and I know why it felt so funny. It was an adult world. where people had lunch free of things called happy meals and booster seats. There wasn't one 3 year old in the place besides Joel.

"Jessa? Jessa Casablancas?" A couple of suits smiled at me. I walked over, confident smile on my face. I was an award winning director, I was a cut throat businesswoman, I was the eye the tiger, I was the sting of a Bee.

"It's Madden." I held out my hand and shook each of theirs firmly.

"Hi, I'm Joel!" Joel waved.

***

They had told me all their ideas, all their plans, all the actors they wanted to tap, and I was getting excited. I wanted this, more than any project, I knew I wanted it because my mind already threw out their bad ideas, brought in my own and set up shop. It was hard to keep a poker face and not grin.

"So what do you think?" they asked.

"It has potential." I smiled slyly.

"Well looking at some of your work we were really excited to talk to you."

I was blushing I knew I was.

"Momma, is it over yet?"

"Shh, Joel, Mommy's busy."

"But Momma, I hungry."

"Joely, please." I pushed. Giving him my quarter full glass of coke.

The suits smiled at me in an "aww, that's too bad" way. It was just like Benji said. I'm a mom and they felt sorry for me. I felt like I was the 3-year old.

"How old is he?" The one closest to Joel asked.

"He's 3."

"I bet he's a handful." The other smiled at Joel.

"Yeah, he can be, but you know. He's my baby."

"Right, family comes first." He added.

"W-well right." I knew where he was going with this. "But I mean he's not a baby anymore."

"But I bet you gotta keep your eye glued to him."

"Sometimes…" I wasn't sure if he liked that I was mom or if he was using it against me. "I made 'Things Between' when he was year and a half." I explained proudly. "I'm used to being a mom AND having my career."

"Well, I'm sure." He nodded with a smile.

Had he accepted my explanation? I couldn't tell. Please don't make him think I can't do this. I can do this. I can do it better than any other guy they wanna hire. This is MY project.

"Well…"

"You don't have no hair on top guy." Joel told a suit.

"Joel!" I blushed immediately. "I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, really" He smiled at Joel, but he was kind of annoyed. I could tell.

"No, I know he…he's a little boy, ya know." I tried to explain. "He doesn't know what he's saying."

They were quiet and just smiled smugly at me. I knew what was going though their heads. OUT. I was being crossed off the list the longer we sat in silence.

"Look can we do this again. I really…I just…" I sounded pathetic.

"We'll keep in touch, Jessa." They stood up and each reached their hands out for me to shake.

This wasn't fair I didn't even get a chance. "Please just tell me honestly…"

"Frankly, Mrs. Madden we would rather have someone who can put their whole heart into the project. And you seem…"

Joel tugged on the hem of my skirt.

"Mommy, I have to go potty."

"…Well, distracted."

"But I…" This was so unfair. I can't believe this was happening.

"Mooommmy"

"We'll keep in touch."

They strode off leaving me with my son holding his crotch and bouncing.

"Mooooommmmeeee"

"C'mon let's go potty." I frowned.

***

I just sat behind the wheel for a while, breathing in and out. Was he really there or was my mind playing cruel tricks. Believe me I've had visions of my father before. I've had them all over the world, but my imagination never stared back at me.

"Daddy?" Noah called from the backseat.

"Yeah, what’s up?" I broke out of my daze.

"We're not moving." He pointed out.

"I know, I know." I shook my father from my thoughts as I started the engine. "I'm sorry. Where do ya wanna go now?"

"I dunno." He shrugged.

"Let's just drive around a bit."

"Okay, daddy."

I really wanted a cigarette. We passed 5 gas stations and I wanted to pull into every one of them and buy a pack. I needed to go home. Chill out, get my head straight, talk to Jess or something. I needed MY family. Why didn't he ever NEED us? Why didn't he ever take comfort in us? How come he had to find other things and people and women?

"Stop it Benji." I muttered.

"What?" Noah asked.

"Nothing, kiddo." I assured. "You wanna go to the store?"

"Okay."

"Okay." I nodded.

I pulled into the nearest pharmacy. They're just as good as a grocery store, I guess. I was thinking of getting a gallon of ice cream or something for everybody. I dunno, maybe we could bake cookies. We wandered down a random aisle and I looked around for some inspiration of something to do with my kids. Ice cream sundaes? Brownies?

"Hey, Goonies!" I picked up the movie off the shelf. We didn't have this movie, oddly enough. "Hey Noh, you wanna…."

I looked down and he wasn't there. "Noah!"

I dashed out of the aisle beginning to search for my son. My heart was pounding. Oh God, why wasn't I paying attention. Where is he?

"Noah!" I cried again. "Noh, kiddo!"

"I'm right here daddy." He was on his knees in front of some art supplies.

"I was worried." I realized my hand was over my heart as I caught my breath. I quickly put it down on my side. "Whatcha looking at?"

He pointed to the big box of crayons on the low, Noah-sized shelf.

"You want some crayons?" We had crayons at home. Tons. In every color ever imaginable. They were even Crayolas.

"They're all broken." He pouted.

"Alright." I smiled, motioning for him to pick up the box. "You want a coloring book?"

He shook his head.

"No?"

"I like that one." He pointed to a red canvas bound sketch book, the kind Billy used and Jess used when making sketches of her movie ideas. I picked up the book.

"But, Noh, it's all blank see." I opened it up and showed him.

"Oh." He frowned. "My crayons don't work?"

"Well they will but…"

"I want one daddy."

"Noh…" It seemed too grown up for a 4-year-old. I didn't want him to get bored with it.

"Please?" He made a little puppy face.

I flipped the book over and looked at the price tag. $8.99. $8.99 on something the kid will throw out and lose somewhere. I couldn't say no to that face though.

"Okay." I handed him the book.

Noah grinned broadly. "I'ma color lotsa pictures now."

He was so happy. I smiled as we headed towards the checkout, grabbing a package of Keebler rainbow cookies on our way up. I saw Noah eye the package and I mussed his hair. "Later kiddo."

"Hey." I turned around to see Ben's Uncle Richie waving at us. "Hey Benj."

"Hey Rich." I nodded.

"Hey." He waved to Noah. "Which one's this again?"

"Noah." I answered. "Say hi, Noh."

He looked cautiously up. "Hi."

Richie smiled. "So how's it going? How's Ben?"

"He's good. His teachers want him to go to high school already."

"High school?!" he shook his head. "Jesus, so he's like a genius huh? Georg—, nevermind."

"What? It's okay?"

"Look I know you don't wanna hear it. Just nevermind." He half smiled. "Do my parent's still call him?"

"Oh yeah, every year or so." I said. They'd call him around his birthday, and talked with him for like 10 minutes. They always asked "Are you happy?" like he was supposed to be depressed or something. They also asked "how old are you now?" Worst grandparents ever. They called in August last year, thinking it was his birthday. My mom was the Grama who slipped him five bucks if he frowned.

Richie frowned. "I don't understand them. They tell me all the time that they're worried and then they never call him or see him."

"I don't really mind. Keeps them away from me."

"Well I gotta get going I've gotta get to Belle's piano recital. But I wanna see Ben, maybe me and the girls will come out to the cape. I'll call you." he waved.

"Alright."

"Bye Noah."

He was an okay guy. He always had been, just quick to defend his sister. I saw him once and awhile. He came to birthday parties, gave Ben Christmas gifts, he was on the Christmas card list. His wife, Tory, died 2 years ago and he's been raising his 3 girls on his own.

"Cash or charge?" The cashier asked.

"Charge."

***

"Charge it." I handed over my credit card and my ID.

I looked at my bags. I was spending too much money and I knew it, but I couldn't help myself. Joel danced around in his new outfit. He started the buying I swear. He pressed his little face up against the window of a shoe store. But I didn’t just buy for myself. I bought Joel a whole outfit, and I bought Ben and Benji some shirts and Noah some pants and a skirt and a new watch for Isabel. It evened out when I bought 3 pairs of shoes for me and a jacket, even though summer was about to start.

"You know." the sales girl started. "I don't wanna be rude or anything but you were totally robbed."

"Excuse me?"

"At the Oscars." She explained. "I mean to get 7 nominations and then win nothing. I'm so sorry."

"Oh." Yeah well thanks for bringing it up, I feel better.

"I just want you to know that you're still really good. I thought you deserved it. We were all rooting for you here."

"Well, thanks."

"And I mean, its an honor just being nominated right?"

I cringed. If one more person says that I'm gonna lose it. That's all I've heard since the show ended. Freaking Al Pacino said it to me…AL PACINO! I made Benji leave one party early cause too many people I'd never met were giving me this look of sympathy. Mostly people who had Oscars, already. Well, I had 2 globes and a Spirit award and a worlds greatest mom coffee mug, so jokes on them, HA!

"Thank you." I smiled, picking up my bags. "C'mon Joely, time to go home."

"Okay, bye bye ladies!" he waved.

I got in the car already feeling guilty about every purchase. I was being stupid, a couple new pairs of shoes weren't gonna fix this and make me feel better. I wasn't even sure what I was so sad about. I loved my life. But some part of me was selfish and wanted her career back. when I was 20 I had this real romantic vision of a husband who would take care of the kids while I made movies. About being in newspaper articles laughing about how "chaotic" my life was. I guess I always knew that wasn't gonna work out, I wasn't stupid.

It sounds so stupid. That I wanted to be famous. That I wanted people to talk about me, wanted to be the center of attention. I'm sure there's some deeply rooted psycho-babble about not getting attention as a kid. I was always shy and quiet, yet I wanted to be queen of the universe. The awards and press isn't supposed to matter and it doesn't. but it felt so good to dress up and go to the Shrine Auditorium. It even felt good when people asked me about being married to a rock star. It was like the ultimate fantasy come true. I married a rock star!

I married him and had too much sex and now I have 4 kids and I can't be any of the things I wanted to be. I guess one out of two isn't bad. I got half the life.

I burst into tears, blurring the road ahead of me. I was mad at myself for feeling this way. Mad that I didn't get to do what I wanted. Guilty for wanting to. I had so fucking much and I was mad about it. Maybe my destiny was just this. To be mommy and babe. I could be happy that way couldn’t I? I guess you can't have it all. I cried harder.

"Momma?" Joel asked.

I sucked in some of my tears. "What is it, sweetie?"

"Don't cry Momma. We'll be home soon."

"I know, sweetie." I smiled despite myself.

"Do chu need cookies?"

"No, I just need my Joely."

"Oh, okay, that's me!"

I smiled bigger. That cute little face in the rearview was sopping up my guilty tears.

"Did you have fun today, Joely?" I asked him."

"Uh huh." He nodded. "I wanna go ta philadelfa alda time. Can we go tomorrow?"

"I don't think so baby."

"Aww." He pouted.

"Next time we'll take daddy and Ben and Isabel…"

"And Noh?"

I smiled "And Noah."

I turned on the radio and Joel sang songs with me all the way home. My tears subsided for now, but my eyes still burned. I just wanted, no I needed, to go home.

***

I walked through the door with every single shopping bag in my arms. Benji stared at me a minute, but I ran up the stairs, dumping them all on our bed. I could hear Joel downstairs, modeling his new clothes. I slumped my shoulders. looking at them on the couch made me feel guilty all over again.

I heard Benji heading up the stairs. You could hear everything in this house, it was so old. I knew everyone by weight and the way they walked. I knew it was Benji cause he's the only one who takes the steps that heavy. Isabel's about the only one you can't trace. She walks really lightly. Noah and Ben shuffle and Joel likes to take the steps both feet at a time. I slumped on the bed, it creaked under my weight.

"Hey babe." He came in and smiled. "I'm sorry about today. How'd it go?"

I shook my head, on the verge of tears again.

"HEY!" he scowled and grabbed my shoulder. He obviously noticed that I had been crying. "Jess!"

"What?" I looked away, determined I wouldn't burst again.

"Baby, I'm sorry. I should have taken Joel and…"

"No, Benj, it's not you."

"What then?"

"It’s…all…them." I sobbed, unable to control it any longer

"Them who?" He sat down next to me, rubbing one shoulder and kissing the other.

"I've reached my pinnacle, haven't I?" I leaned my head on his shoulder. "I'm never gonna work again. I'm just gonna be Joel's mom."

"Well, of course you are." He agreed, making me look at him in awe. He smiled reassuringly. "But your also my wife and a brilliant director, babe."

"I'm always gonna be the one who lost the Oscar. I'm such a loser."

"JESSA!" he almost sounded angry. "You are not a loser. And you know better than to care about what the academy thinks."

"But Benji, that's all anyone in the business cares about. What awards you’ve won, what are your weekend numbers."

"Jessa, I know you’re a great director and I know you know it. The Jess I met just wanted to tell stories. She didn't care if some big wigs thought she wasn't a box office draw, which you ARE. She wanted someone to see her movies, which they DO. So I really don't see the problem."

I couldn't help but smile a little bit.

"Who hurt your feelings baby? Want me to kick their ass?" he squeezed my shoulder. I laughed and Benji grinned, giving me a big warm kiss. "Don't worry about them, I still love you."

He hugged me again.

"So what happened with you today?" I asked.

"Oh, you know, nothing much." He shrugged. "I took Noah out by himself."

"Oh, that's good."

"Actually we gotta movie, we were gonna watch it. you wanna come?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "Lemme change real quick."

"Ok, I'll see you in a few minutes" he kissed my forehead.

We both got up. I headed for the bathroom and Benji paused at the door. He came back around and leaned in the doorframe of the bathroom.

"Baby."

"Hmm?" I asked as I turned on the sink.

"I'm really sorry." He frowned.

***

Noah and Isabel were on either side of me on the big couch and Joel was on the floor with the bowl of popcorn in his lap. Jessa was in the big armchair, laughing and idly playing with her nails as she watched Mouth translate to Rosalita on the movie. Ben didn't want to come down. he was on the phone with Courtnie. She didn't go to school today.

I already felt better. Jessa looked like she felt better too. Everything else was behind us now. We could just sit with our kids and watch a movie. It reminded me of the first couple months and years I knew Jess. All we used to do was watch movies in my living room. Well that and make out. I smiled across the room at her. she winked at me.

Ben must have used the back stairs to set the cordless phone back on it's base in the kitchen, because that's where he came from.

"I'm gonna…" he began walking past. "HEY Goonies!"

He sat down on the opposite end of the couch. The Goonies was one of his favorite movies of all time. I suddenly remembered why we didn't own the movie anymore. He broke the DVD when he was 7, in a fit of rage and we never replaced it. a huge grin appeared upon his face and he was completely engulfed in the movie. I could see his lips moving with every piece of dialogue.

Joel got up off the floor and plopped himself down next to his brother. He looked up at him and smiled, then made himself cozy.

"Chu want some popcorn, Ben?"

"Sure Squirt." He grabbed a hug handful and stuffed it in his mouth. "Aww, this is the best part."

"Yeah!" Joel agreed, but he'd never seen this movie before.

We watched it a little longer in silence, except for Ben occasionally saying "this is the best part" or mimicking a line. He was still a little boy inside. He was a regular kid like everyone else.

"Hey, Ben can you go get the c-o-o-k-i-e-s?"

"Wait…this is the best part." He inched closer in his seat.

"I'll go get them." Jessa stood up.

"What are you getting?" Noah asked.

"Never you mind." She kissed his forehead as she went to get them.

"Look it, Joel, this is really cool." Ben pointed out.

"Yeah, it's COOL." Joel nodded.

They were so cute together.

"DADDY?! What is THAT?!" Noah turned his head into my side and Joel screamed.

"Ewwwwwwwww, that’s gross!" Isabel screamed.

"Hey, it's alright." I soothed the boys. "It's just a guy in a costume"

"Joel, it's just Sloth." Ben explained to him. "He's cool."

"Oh." Joel was still whimpering. "Oh it's Sloth."

"Yeah, Sloth is cool, he's their friend. See." Ben pointed out.

"Noh, it's 'kay, it's just Sloth." Joel tugged on Noah's shirt to make him turn around.

"Look Noah." Ben pointed again. "Sloth is really cool. He likes ice cream."

"Sloth?" Noah turned around.

"What's going on?" Jessa came back in.

"It's just Sloth." Ben told her.

"COOKIES!" Joel shouted.

"Cookies!" Noah repeated. "Canna have some cookies Mommy?"

"What's the magic word boys?"

"PLEASE!!!" they said simultaneously.

She smiled at the boys and served them each two cookies. Two for Ben and two for Isabel, as well.

"Please Jess?" I smiled and she handed me some. She took some for herself and set the package on the coffee table. The sounds of us eating our cookies was drowning out the movie and I smiled. Maybe if my family had more times like this it all would have happened differently.

***

An hour later the credits were running and the boys were all asleep, including Ben. Isabel was about ready to drift off and so was Benji. I shut off the movie and got up. Taking the popcorn bowl from Joel and Ben and the package of cookies off the table. Joel had gotten popcorn kernels all over the floor and cookies and milk all over his face.

I dropped off the food in the kitchen and returned.

"Benj, c'mon, help me get the kids upstairs."

"Alright." He yawned.

We woke up Ben and Isabel padded her way upstairs on her own. Benji took Noah and I took Joel, who kicked me at being stirred from sleep. I decided trying to take off his new clothes was a bad idea and I just tucked him in like that. I gave Noah a kiss goodnight and followed Benji to the bedroom. I guess I was pretty tired too. All that crying wore me out.

I took off my bra and Benji watched with interest. He was such a pervert.

"Benj, stop it."

"What? It's kinda hot."

"I'm not even taking off my shirt."

"That's what's hot" he grinned.

"You're a weirdo Benji."

"Naw, just horny." He grinned and pulled me with him on the bed. He tackled me and we rolled around a little bit. I giggled as he tickled me and wrestled me on the bed. I sighed as we relaxed. He wrapped his arms protectively around my middle, pulling my back to his chest. He brushed my hair off my neck and nipped, tongue reaching out and stroking my earlobe.

"Benji." I groaned.

"Hold on." He got up and pulled the covers down so we could get in.

He relaxed his body next to mine again, laying his head in the notch of my neck and sighing. "I wanna stay just like this." He murmured. He kissed my neck. "Mmm. Did you buy perfume too?"

"Nope I just smell good."

He laughed and hugged me tighter. He held on to me in a way no one else could. Holding me like we would drift away from each other if he let go. I grabbed his arms and held them with mine. He sighed.

"Jessa, do you know why I married you?"

"Cause I give good head?"

"Besides that." He smirked. "I married you cause you're amazing."

"Aww, Benj…"

"I don't like you doubting yourself like this." He said. "Cause you're…Jessa you can do anything you wanna do. You can have everything you want, all you gotta do is wish it…"

"Because you'll get it for me?"

He shook his head "because you work for it and you deserve it. Babe, when I met you, you already knew what you wanted and how you were gonna do it. You're beautiful and smart and creative. You had it all. That's why I fell in love with you. Cause you were real, not like everyone else in that club."

He took a breath.

"Jessa, you give all of yourself into everything you do. You gave me chances I didn't deserve. You just love and trust with all your heart. You don't question doing the right thing, even if no one else believes it. nobody in your family wanted you to marry me after what happened, but you knew what you wanted and you believed me when I said I loved you."

I turned slightly and looked up at him.

"And I do baby, I love you." he kissed me. "You go through all this shit and you don't even break. You deal with me and the kids and with all those stupid movie people. It would be so easy for you to give up and just crawl in bed, but that's not what you do. You get up every morning and make breakfast and take care of everything. All I can do is just watch you sometimes. How simply amazing you are. I thank God everyday I found you. That you loved me back, just as much as I love you."

"Benj…" I was gonna cry.

"Babe, don't let anybody tell you that you're not good enough. Cause you're more than enough."

I turned all the way around and hooked my arms around his neck. "I needed that, Benj, thank you." I gave him a good long kiss.

"Thank you." I repeated, crawling on top of him.

"Jess?" his eyebrows wagged.

I bit my lip and smiled down at him.

"A Hard Days Night" the Beatles from the album A Hard Days Night

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