We usually had things so together in the morning. Not today. Maybe it was because Jessa wasn't down here refereeing. The boys seemed to be in a more combative mood than they'd been in awhile. Every little thing was a fight or an argument and today even Isabel was misbehaving. Ben hadn't come out of his room yet and I didn't have time to go up and find out what the problem was. Where was Jessa?

We went to Ben's school yesterday and ended up having a meeting with not only his English teacher but his principal, vice principal, and counselor. Jessa and I got scared, as if they were gonna tell us there was something wrong with him, but nothing was wrong with him, unless being a genius is wrong. They said he'd been doing so well this year that they thought it might be a good idea for him to transfer to the high school next year instead of going to 8^th grade. We were stunned. Ben was catatonic about it. We'd have to talk about it more before actually doing it. He was kinda young for high school.

"Ben!" I called. "C'mon, you gotta eat."

Silence came from upstairs. Jessa was still in the bathroom. I could hear the fan. Joel plopped himself down on the couch in front of the TV.

"No, no TV for you young man." Not after the way he and Noah had been acting, I took the remote from him and stuck it in my pocket. He curled in a little ball and pouted. I rolled my eyes, whatever, fine then, kept him out of my hair.

Noah was MIA. Isabel was running around looking for something. And the telephone was ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Benj, bad time?" it was Billy.

"Yeah, kind of." I sighed, as Iz ran up to me with a tear stained face.

"Daddy, I can't find my watch!!" she cried. All this over a plastic watch.

"Did you look in your backpack?"

"Yes, it's not THE-ERE" she screamed hopping up and down impatiently.

"Well chill out." I motioned with my hands. "Hang on Bill."

"No problem man."

"Daddy I NEED it! I'ma get in trouble." She cried harder. All the first graders were supposed to wear a watch to school to help them learn to tell time.

"Baby, calm down, we'll find your watch." I rubbed her shoulders. "Jessa! Goddamnit I could use your help! Ben!" I yelled.

It was apparent I wasn't gonna get any help from them.

"Hey, find Noah and get Joel and have them help you, okay. Lemme talk to Billy and then I'll help you." I told her.

"But daddy."

"Now Isabel, go."

She walked off in a huff. Jesus.

"Bill?"

"Hey, Benji, sounds like you have your hands full, why don't I talk to you later?" he suggested.

"Yeah, I'll see you at the studio in a couple hours right?"

"Yeah, yeah," I could see him nodding on the other end. "Uh, God bless you Benj."

I smirked as I hung up. But my mind was occupied once again.

"Joel! What are you doing?" I screamed as I caught him stuffing cookies in the crevice of the couch cushions.

"I'm saving 'em fo' later."

"No, Joel, we don't hide cookies in the couch for later." I shook my head pulling an endless stream of cookies out. "Where did you get these?"

"Noah gave them ta me."

"Noah gave them to you? Noah!" I yelled.

"Nothing!" his little voice shouted back.

I was getting really annoyed and pissed off. Where was Jessa? I burst through the swinging door to the kitchen from the living room and Noah was on the counter, head in a cabinet. He stuck his head out and his eyes went wide and he fell backwards. I ran forward in a quick motion and caught him. Unfortunately the container of sugar fell and spilled like white sand all over the tile.

"FUCK!" I yelled.

"Benji!" Jessa was behind me flashing a disapproving look. Joel was next to her with wide eyes.

"Momma, daddy said…"

"I know what he said, Joel, remember when we talked about repeating what daddy says?"

Joel nodded his head. "Dadda said I can’t have no more cookies and no more TV."

"I didn't say that Joel."

"Uh huh, he was mean ta me Momma." He started to pout and pull on her skirt. She was wearing a skirt?!

"Joel, please." She gave him a look and off he ran.

"Noah what were you doing up there?" I asked, as I set him on the floor.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked. "Do you hate me?"

"Noah?" I looked at him confused. "Hate you? Kiddo, we could never ever EVER hate you." I kneeled down.

"Baby?!" Jessa knelt down as well. "Who said we would hate you? We love you so much, you can't even imagine it."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Yes, you are Noah, but just because you're in trouble doesn't mean we hate you." I explained. "You're our Noah. You’re the only Noah we got."

He grimaced and looked at us.

"What did you do Noah?" Jessa asked patiently.

"I was…" he said, his voice getting lower and lower.

"Noah?"

"I broke Isabel's clock." He shuttered, like he was gonna get hit or something. But we’d never do that. Never.

"You broke it?"

He nodded. I stood up and easily spotted the bright pink watch on a shelf, the face smashed in, like it was stepped on.

"Why did you break your sister's watch, Noah?" Jessa asked.

"It was an ac-see-dent!" he sobbed.

"MY WATCH!" Isabel ran in screaming as she saw it in my hands. "Ohhhhhhh noooooooooo."

"I'm sorry." Noah cried.

"You broke it, you broke it!!" she cried out.

There was a mad rush of voices as Jessa tried to protect Noah and I tried to keep Isabel from killing him over cheap plastic.

"Whoa, whoa, time out kiddo's?" I had to restrain my daughter. "Isabel, it's just a watch, you can get a new one. And Noah breaking your sister's watch was wrong, do you understand?"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Noah yelled.

"Young man, you do not yell at me!" I scolded.

He sobbed. "But I diddint mean to st-step on it."

Isabel was still seething.

"I'm sorry, Izzabel" he frowned. "I'm sorry."

My heart was breaking into pieces. What were we doing to him? Was this our fault? Had he always been this way and we didn't notice. How could we do that? How? How could we forget about our Noah?

"It's time for everybody to go to school." Jessa picked up Noah and soothed away his tears.

"Momma, what about my watch?" Iz pouted.

"I'll give you a watch for today." she blindly nodded at Isabel rocking Noah in her arms like he was a baby. "Benj, could you clean up this mess?"

Tuh, was I no good at the child soothing thing? Come on, how come I get stuck with the scut work and she gets to be supermom? I'm the one that caught him. I'm the one that wrote him his own song!

I shook my head and started to clean up.

"Dadda, whatcha doin?" Joel climbed up into a counter stool.

"Cleaning up."

"Why?"

"Cause Noah spilled the sugar."

"Why?"

"Joel, please, no questions right now. You want some cookies?"

"No, I'm fulled up." He smiled. "Are chu goin' ta work?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Momma's goina work too."

I finished sweeping up the sugar and cocked my eyebrow at Joel.

"She is huh?"

"She looks pretty." He grinned again. "She hasta go to Philadelfa"

I widened my eyes. "That's today?"

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

"Jess?" I called bringing Joel with me as I walked through the house.

"What?" She was helping Noah tie his shoes on the couch.

"Are you going to Philadelphia, today?"

"Duh, Benj, it's Tuesday." She rolled her eyes, like I was joking around.

"W-well…who's gonna take care of Joel then?" I asked cautiously.

"You are." She started to glare at me.

I smiled nervously at her absentmindedly scratching the side of my head. "I'm heading to the studio, babe."

"Benji!" she yelled.

"Ooo," Isabel told Noah. "Daddy's in trouble"

"This is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. I cannot miss this meeting."

"Then take Joel with you."

"ARE YOU CRAZY??????" Jessa's eyes widened.

I shrugged, there was no coming back from this.

"Why don't you take him?" she yelled.

"Babe…" I sighed. "The studio's no place for Joel."

"Yes, because my meeting totally is." She was pissed. "I can just imagine me cleaning the cookie crumbs off his face and playing itsy bitsy spider while they sip martini's and laugh."

"They won't laugh. You're a mom, they'll understand."

Her eyes glowed with rage. I shrugged at her and I think that just made her more angry.

"Look," I tried to fix it. "What if I take him? I'll just drop him with Alex for a few hours."

"Benji?!" she shut her eyes in pure anger. "Just nevermind. I'll take him."

She picked him up and began ushering the other 2 out.

"I do everything else." She muttered.

***

"That's not fair!" he shouted at me.

Not fair? Not fair?!!?! He was gonna talk to me about fair. How was THIS fair? I didn't answer him as I opened the doors to the car. Benji followed.

"Jessa?" he softened his voice. "Don't be mad at me."

"MAD…at you?" I spun, unable to control it. "Oh, no, Benj, I'm not MAD at you. I'm much, MUCH more than mad at you."

he just sighed defeated, but it's not like he made a move to watch his own son for the day. He was glad he could go do his thing worry free I could tell.

"do you want me to take Ben to school?" he asked. "I can pick up Noah and Isabel too."

But you can't watch Joel, now can you? I wanted to say.

"Yeah, fine whatever." I didn't look at him

"Is there anything else you want me to do?"

"No, wouldn't want to inconvenience you, Benj." I spat climbing into the drivers seat.

"Oh come on Jess, don't be like this." He came around and leaned into the my window.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't or I'd hit him.

"Jessa?"

"Say goodbye to Daddy." I brought the car to life.

"Bye bye." Joel waved.

"Bye." Noah looked up from his pout.

"I'm LATE" Isabel screamed.

I drove off down our street and towards the elementary school. I was so angry with him I couldn't see straight. How could he forget this? It meant so much to me and obviously that meant nothing to him. sure I could have a career as long as I still took care of the kids and made dinner and baked cookies and serviced him when he felt like it. He's a such a selfish brat.

After I dropped off Noah and Isabel, I began my way towards the highway. I really wanted to go to the city and get some real coffee, but I had this vision of me walking in 40 minutes late with a small smile and Joel attached to my arm with the coffee cup.

"Momma, I'm hungry."

Oh, it was gonna be a very long trip.

***

This had been one of the most easy going sessions yet. Billy was a lot less tense than the last time. I think for some reason he was nervous cause it was ME producing. I was close to telling him to find somebody else. Today was good, though.

"Yeah, Bill, come have a listen." I said into the mic, motioning for him to come out of the booth. The guitarist, Pete, and the session drummer, David were sitting behind me on the couch. I wanted Chris...but Billy really liked this guy. I thought David was a weirdo. The original drummer flaked out before they came down to record. I think Billy really hates that guy. He never lets anybody talk about him.

"You don't think I sounded funny?" Billy immediately grabbed his water bottle, gulping down half of it.

"Naw. I think that was the best take." I pressed play, letting Billy's sweet vocal playback.

"Wow…" Billy blushed.

"It's okay to think you're good you know." I smirked.

"It sounds so…cool…like without the music behind it." he grinned.

I smiled back. it was really good. I liked this song, a lot. I think it was my favorite. We were calling it "Lucky." It was really sweet and almost mushy, but in a cool rocker way. If I finished it today I think I'll show it to Jess tonight. She'd like it. I mean, if she hears what I hear.

"Is it break time yet?" Joel popped his head in. I didn't even know he was here, today.

"Joel, who's at the label?" I asked.

"Everything's good. I wanna talk with you."

"Yeah, sure." I followed him out to the small patio. There was a rickety table and an ugly faded umbrella atop it. an ashtray filled with ash and cigarette butts, some of which were mine, was the only other thing out here. I had a pack in my coat pocket here and occasionally I'd light up, but I'd never let Jess know that I still smoked once and awhile. I mean at least I wasn't drinking, right?

"What's up?" I asked.

"Benj?" Joel cried surprised. "Do you have a hickey?"

"A what?" I touched my neck.

"Jess still gives you hickeys? How sweet."

"Shut up Joel."

"No, I think its really cute."

"What do you wanna talk about?"

"Sarah."

"Sarah?" Of all the things I could think of Joel coming all the way over here to talk to me about, Sarah didn't even make the list. I thought I was the only one who saw it and I thought I was paranoid, just being a big brother.

He shrugged. "Did she seem…I dunno. It's been bothering me all weekend."

"Did she seem what?" I suddenly took offense like I had to protect some secret. What was wrong with me, this was Joel.

"She doesn't look like she's in good shape, Benj. I mean maybe I'm being paranoid." He shrugged again. "Yeah, that's it, I'm just being paranoid, a big brother, ya know?"

Goddamn the twin thing.

"Joel…" I involuntarily chewed my lipring. That was it. he knew. We frowned at each other.

"She looks…"

"Unhappy. Beat."

"Like Momma."

That threw me for a loop. Of course she looks like mom. I look like mom, but that's not what he meant and I knew it.

"Joel…" I said his name like a warning. Like I was talking to my Joel for hitting his brother or something.

"If he's h—."

"Don't say it Joel."

"Benji, don't act stupid. If he's doing what I think he's doing, I'm going to kill him."

"No, you don't act stupid. We don't know anything."

"Christ, you didn't see it?" He threw up his hands.

"See what?"

"Her face, the girls. Benji…" He thought about it a second, his eyebrows furrowing together, pain etched in his frown. "Didn't you see her arm?"

"What was on her arm?"

"Bruises."

"Goddamnit." I threw my fist into the table top, spilling the ashtray all over. I needed a cigarette.

"What should we do?"

"I dunno." And I didn't. Last time this happened, I didn’t know what to do and couldn't do anything anyway. I couldn't stop my own father. I was a kid.

"We can't just do nothing. She's our sister, those are our nieces."

"I know that Joel." I sat down and shook my head. "We just needa get her out of there."

I sunk down low and leaned my head on my arms. I shut my eyes and opened them again hearing my breath, looking at the art on my arms. I looked at my watch. Jessa gave it to me for my birthday. It was my favorite and I had bought a lot of watches over the years. The hands were silver, the face was mother of pearl and the markers were onyx. I thought it was really cool. Really simple. 2:34 PM.

"Oh shit!" I yelled getting up.

"What?" Joel sounded alarmed.

"The kiddos. I gotta, gotta go." I ran back inside.

"Well can you meet me back the label, after?"

"Yeah yeah." I motioned at Joel. "Bill. Billy?!

"Sup?" he looked at me funny. I must look crazy.

"I gotta go get the kids now." I yelled, grabbing my hoodie off of the chair. "We can finish up Thursday, yeah?"

"Oh yeah, sure." He nodded. Billy was so understanding. I mean how many people can stand their producer running off in the middle of the day. Must be cause I've known him for 20 years.

"Alright, so…" I grinned. "Bye."

***

"Daddy, I made a self-portrait today." Isabel said from the backseat. Noah was busy playing with the animals from the box of animal crackers he had when Alex met me at the school. Apparently every preschooler got some as some kind of eat your education lesson about endangered species.

"Yeah?" I drummed the steering wheel to the beat of Calling Card playing on the radio, as we waded through the traffic in front of Magothy River Middle School waiting for Ben. "Can I see it?"

"Nope." She shook her head.

"No?"

"It's at school." She explained.

"Oh, I see." I smiled. "Well, when it's all done, can I see it?"

"Oh yes." She grinned and nodded. "Where's mommy?"

"Mom's in Philadelphia having a meeting."

"Do we have to move?" Iz sounded alarmed.

"I dowanna move!" Noah cried.

"Move? No, why would we move?"

"Barnaby Arnette's momma went to a meeting and then he moved."

"I dowanna MOVE?!" Noah cried again.

People still name their kids Barnaby?

"It's not that kind of meeting. We're not going to move any time soon, guys."

"Oh good." She sighed. "Hi, Bean."

I unlocked the door and he dumped his backpack in then followed.

"Stop calling me that. You're not a baby."

"But I like it."

"Whatever."

"Hi Ben!" Noah waved at his brother.

"Hey, Noh."

"Hi, Ben, how was school?"

"Same as always." He slumped. "Alright I guess."

There was no getting through to him these days. I sighed.

"What'd you do today Noh?"

"I learned." He announced proudly.

"Well that's really good kiddo." I smiled. "Did you have a good time with auntie Alex?"

"She says she hurts in places she didn't know she had."

He was such a caring perceptive kid. I smiled.

"She'll be alright, Noah."

"I hope so."

I smiled again.

"Dad, where are you going?" Ben shouted.

"I gotta stop by the office."

Ben groaned. Izzy clapped.

"Ooo, the office." She giggled. "Can we play with the copy maker?"

"No, not this time."

"Can we play in your office?" Noah asked.

"That, you can do."

Ben continued moping.

"C'mon, Ben, you used to love my office"

"Yeah, then I turned 9." He rolled his eyes.

***

The elevator dinged and the doors opened on the 12^th floor. Isabel ran forward. I adjusted Noah's weight on my hip and Ben peeled himself from against the wall and dragged himself onto the floor. Isabel raced around the cubicles towards my office, as regular's waved to me and at Noah, shyly hiding his face in my neck.

"Princess!" Joel shouted picking up Iz and showering her with hugs and kisses. "I didn't know you were bringing the kids."

"Jessa's in Philly."

"Where's Joel?"

"With Jess."

"I see." I swear I thought any minute he'd stroke his "beard." "Let's go in my office." Joel motioned away from my office door. It was probably too messy for his majesty. We followed the kids inside.

"Dad, can I use your computer?" Ben was already in my chair booting it up.

"Uh, I guess so." I shrugged, letting Noah down as Isabel set the picture on my desk face down.

"Iz?" I cocked my eyebrow as I picked it up, to put it right. It was a picture from Christmas a few years ago, when Izzy was a baby. She fell asleep under the tree. I loved that picture.

"Daddy, that picture's embarrassing." She shook her head.

"Embarrassing? But you’re so cute." I pinched her cheek.

"DADDY?!" she rolled her eyes. "I am not 'cute'!"

"You're not?"

"No, I'm too grown up to be cute." She crossed her arms matter-of-factly. "I'm…precious."

Joel and I looked at each other. Oh God, she was only 7. I could just imagine what 17 would be like. Oh God, that's scary, my daughter at 17…nooo…that would mean I was old. But Isabel wasn't growing up too soon I was reminded as she and Noah dumped their toys on the floor.

"Can you watch these two?" I asked Ben.

"Oh, sure." He actually smiled. Cool. I liked to see him smile.

"I'm gonna be with uncle Joel in his office, okay?"

"Okay, daddy." Isabel waved.

I was gonna come back to a warzone wasn't I? I followed Joel anyway. We chatted about Calling Card's first day sales for longer than I wanted to. Being a label president was boring. He was showing me something for another one of our bands when that guy Jake came in. he was wearing a t-shirt and jeans today, but he was still nervous looking.

"Hey, Jake." I was happy to change the subject.

"Uh…there's uh, 3 kids in your office."

"Yeah." I laughed. "Those are mine."

"Oh." He nodded. "Oh, right. Well the little girl and the little boy are fighting."

"What?!" I hopped up and ran for my office

"I didn't know if I should break them up or something." He said trailing me.

Isabel and Noah were fighting over some random toy. It didn't matter, but it was a screaming match to top all screaming matches.

"I was playing it with it, IZZABELLLLLLL!" Noah screamed.

"But you took it from MY pile!" she retorted.

"Shut up, both of you." Ben said from behind the computer.

"Alright, that's enough." I pried the toy from the both of them. "Break it up. Ben, I thought you were watching them?"

"I was." He didn't even look at me, but I could hear the sound of a computer game.

Sure you were. Suddenly, Noah burst into tears and my heart broke. Anybody who can stand by and just let their kid cry, no matter what they did, was a monster. I can’t stand it. aside from the slightly annoying factor, it was heart wrenching.

"Noah?" I leaned down to him. "What's wrong kiddo?"

"N-n-noooooobody likes me."

"Noah, that's not true? We all like you. We love you." I started to wrap my arms around him. He fought me away. He was pretty strong for a 4-year-old.

"Get away from me!" he shouted.

"Alright, wait here." I had to do something. This was beginning to scare me. He needs to be okay and happy.

"Ben, off the computer. Isabel, pick up your mess."

"But it's his mes—"

"Isabel, NOW."

I went back into Joel's office.

"Hey, would you do me a really big favor?"

"Sure, but I only kill for you ONE time, this better be good." He looked up from his computer and leaned back in his chair.

I smirked. "No, you think you could take Ben and Isabel for the rest of the night?"

"I'm sure it'd be okay." He shrugged. "Why?"

"I need to spend some time with Noah. Something's…I dunno, he needs some extra attention."

"Oh..alright." he nodded. "All night?"

"Naw, just a couple hours. Jess should be home in awhile anyway."

Joel nodded. I grinned.

"Thanks bro, I owe you one."

"More like owe Alex." He laughed.

I went back into the office where Isabel was lazily picking up and Ben was still on the computer. Noah was curled up on the couch.

"Ben, turn off that computer NOW."

"Dad…"

"Don’t make me tell you again."

He groaned but complied. I went and picked up Noah off the couch.

"Noh?" I frowned.

"What?" he pouted.

"You wanna go somewhere with me?"

"Where?" he asked.

"I dunno, yet, anywhere." I smiled and he smiled back. "Isabel, Ben, your going to Joel's."

"Noooo." Ben whined. "Da-ad."

"Ben, please knock it off. It's just a couple of hours."

"Daddy, how come Noah doesn't hafta go?" Isabel complained. "I dowanna play with the boys."

I didn't know what to say, luckily Joel came in and saved me.

"Aww, c'mon Princess. We're gonna have fun." He smiled. "I make dinner on Tuesday. The boys help me, and you can help too."

"What are you gonna make?"

"Don't know yet." Joel shrugged. "Maybe blue tater tots."

"Don't you ever act like a grown up?" Ben made a face.

"Benjamin Levi Madden!" I scolded. "You do not disrespect your uncle like that."

"C'mon Ben, I think you'll have a better time than you think." Joel patted his shoulder. "Later, Benj."

"Thanks Joel. I'll call later."

He waved as he and the kids headed for the elevator.

***

"And this is the elephant. He has this big trunk an' he uses it to pick up stuff, cause his hands are like big and heavy." Noah held up the animal cracker.

I smiled. The salty sea air was blowing his hair around and made his cheeks all rosy. I zipped his little hoodie up tighter around his body. We were on one of my favorite piers in Annapolis. At the end was a little restaurant with burgers and fish and chips and the best milk shakes ever. When I was little, like 5 or 6, my dad took all us kids out here and bought us milkshakes. And me and Joel ran around and spun in circles and I threw up…right over there.

"Hey, Noah, look over there?" I pointed out across the water.

"What?"

"You see that?"

"The light?"

"Yeah, that's a buoy."

"A booooooiiii?" he made a face as he said it.

I laughed. "A buoy. They float in the water and tell all the boats when they're too close to the shore."

"Oh." He smiled. "Daddy I'm hungry. Is mommy making dinner?"

"Nope, tonight you get to have special dinner with me."

"Special?"

"That's right. Just for you."

"Fo' me? Why?"

"Just because."

He was really excited about the restaurant about being with me. we sat at the counter. It was exactly the same as I remember it; the jukebox by the door and the fifties flair, only it wasn't retro, it had been here since the fifties. The menu was really simple.

"Whatd'ya want, Noah?"

"I don't know." He looks up at the menu board waiting for me to read it to him.

"Alright, cheeseburger? Fish and chips?"

"Chips?"

"It's just french fries."

"Oh. Can I have a cheeseburger?"

"Yup."

The waitress came by and smiled at us.

"What can I get you gentlemen?" her grin widened.

"A cheeseburger for him and fries. I'll have fish and chips and a coke."

"Anything to drink, little man?"

"Daddy, can I have a soda?"

I nodded. "Don't tell mom. A small coke for him. Oh, and a strawberry milkshake."

"Alright, I'll be right back with your drinks boys."

She came back shortly, setting the icy glasses down and smiling warmly at me. Noah danced his little animals across the countertop. He seemed happy. I was happy. Maybe I needed this too. Realize what an amazing kid I had. Amazing life. I know I take it for granted sometimes. We all do.

"Feeling better, Noh?"

"Uh huh." He smiled up at me.

"I love you Noah."

"I love you too daddy."

I grinned.

"Noah…" I looked back into my memories. "Noh, you wanna hear a story?"

"Ok, daddy."

"Noah, do you know I'll never forget when you were born?" I smiled. "Never ever."

"Why?"

"Because you were my first baby boy."

***

"Baby, do you think we'll have a boy?" She looked at her profile in the bathroom mirror, rubbing her belly.

Jessa was the happiest I'd seen her, possibly ever. She was so excited and happy to be pregnant. I don't know why but she hadn't had a single problem. No morning sickness, nothing too bad at all. She just floated around happy all the time. Looking absolutely beautiful.

I smiled and kissed her cheek. "I hope so."

"Alex says she carried Sam high. You think I'm carrying the baby high?"

"I dunno. What's that mean?"

She just laughed at me.

"Well either way we'll find out in a few days."

She nodded and probed her stomach a little more.

"It's not gonna make it come any sooner, Jess."

"I know I just…I can't help it."

"C'mon let's just get some sleep okay." I motioned to the bedroom. She nodded.

We laid down and cuddled up and started to fall asleep and it felt like I had just shut my eyes when Jessa pinched my arm.

"Benji! Benji!" she kept repeating my name.

"What? What's the matter?"

"Finally you're awake. I've been hitting you for 15 minutes." She took a deep breath. "I think I'm in labor."

"LABOR?!"

"Uh huh." She held her belly and nodded.

"Okay, okay, calm down." I said frantically.

"I am calm."

"What do we do first?" I scrambled out of bed reaching for the lamp.

"Call the doctor at the hospital."

"Okay right."

Jessa got up and dressed, while I dialed and talked. Acted totally calm while I went nuts. She went into the kids rooms waking Ben and stirring Isabel. I called Joel to come get the kids. It all happened so fast, but as Joel left with Isabel passed out in his arms, Jessa just sat at the foot of the stairs belly in her hands, breathing and rocking.

"Baby?"

"Are you ready now, Benj?" She smiled at me.

Driving there was a piece of cake. We lived so close it was weird. Not having done this last time was really showing.

"Are you okay, Jessa?"

"Uh huh. I think so." she grimaced.

When we get there I keep thinking there's supposed to be some ER type scene, chaos and crying. But there's none. It's 3am, the hospital is a wasteland. A few nurses mill around someone comes out and brings Jessa a wheelchair and wheels her in. The birthing center is brand new. It's a whole separate building from the hospital, but that didn't stop it from smelling like a hospital, mixed with the scent of babies.

There's almost no waiting before we got into the delivery room, because Jessa's water broke. We met up with Greenwald, smiling at us in his blue scrubs. It was weird. this time it got to be happy and everything it should be. Nobody was looking at me funny or crying, nobody was stressed out. we were just having a baby.

You'd think I was more prepared this time. or that it'd be easier on Jessa, but it wasn't. not at all. she was still screaming and I was screaming and she was holding my hand. It hurt, I could tell. It hurt bad. It felt like it lasted forever. These minutes of pure chaos and joy. Everyone's voice loud and heart beating faster and faster until…

The cry. The one that you know means everything is alright and good and perfect. Our perfect little baby. Ten fingers, ten toes and one penis. We had a boy. Our boy. And for a second you forget the pain and you just stare at him. his features so prominent and anonymous at the same time. a tiny stranger you know so well.

"Do you guys's have a name for him?" Greenwald smiled when he was in Jessa's arms.

"Hi, Noah." I waved at my son.

***

"The baby was me?" Noah asked making slurping noises as he sucked the remnants of the shake.

"Yup, that was you."

"I came OUT of Mommy?"

"You know how Auntie Alex is? Momma was like that. Her tummy's all big because a baby is growing inside." I explained, hoping he didn't have more questions. "When the baby's big enough he comes out."

"Oh." He said simply and continued on his shake. He'd made a good dent in his burger. Okay, so I may have helped a bit. He looked cute, a lot like his mom right now. I grinned at him and mussed his hair.

"Thank you daddy." He suddenly reached out and hugged me.

I hugged him back. "You're welcome kiddo. Anytime."

I thought again back to the day my dad took us out here. He was in such a good mood that day. Driving in the car, listening to the radio and singing along. It was a really good clear memory. I couldn't remember one bad thing. I remember how we each got our OWN shake. It must have been a pay day. I remember Joel and I were wearing these hoodies with a 'B' and 'J' monogrammed over our hearts, it was the only way to tell us apart those days, but we had switched.

I could almost see my dad standing there at the counter with me and Joel and Josh and Sarah, all lined up. In fact, I COULD see my father, because he was just sitting across the restaurant like 20 years had never gone by and it was the most normal thing in the world for us to run into each other here. A beer in his hand and a pack of Winstons on the table, unfinished fries in the basket. Just sitting there, staring deadpan at me. Our eyes collectively widened with recognition and I remembered how much like him I looked. I turned away and picked up Noah off his stool, leaving ample payment for the meal and walking out of the restaurant without one look back.

"Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da" the Beatles from the album the Beatles

back :: foward