Saturday morning, I woke with Benji's hands on my waist, his lips placing slow tender kisses along my jaw. It was like something warm in your belly. Waking up in just the right progression. For once not being bolted awake.

"Wake up, baby.."

"Benj? What time is it?" I lifted my head slightly. He pushed it back down.

"Shhh…it's early."

My eyes came into focus and I saw the glimmer of orange appearing on the horizon. It was really early and my husband had a hunger the size of Texas. His hand rubbed up my side and cupped my breast as his lips continued softly kissing me.

"Benj?" I giggled.

"Baby, please don't stop me. I want this so bad." He whispered. "I locked the door and everything."

I grinned and nodded, allowing him to do whatever he wanted to. Slow and sexy he undressed me kissing me all over, leaving nowhere unexplored by those lips.

"Oh Benj." I sighed as his lips found my belly button and his stuck his tongue out beginning a slow lick down, down, down, and sliding into place. "I love you."

He licked and sucked and left me moaning with want and need, burning inside to feel more of him, all of him.

"Ready now, babe?" he peered up and had the sexiest look in his eyes.

"Mmm," I moaned arching my chest up, as pleasure radiated though me. I was always ready for him.

He crawled up, my legs fell open and astride his hot naked form. His arms were straight on either side of my breasts, as if he were about to do push ups into me. He leaned down once to kissed my forehead, nose and lips, letting me taste a tiny hint of myself as he did so. His hard on bobbed against my thigh, gently nudging my lips.

"Baby." He grinned down at me and sighed. I slid my entrance closer to him, I wanted to be completely shattered. Finally he went, slamming hard at first, then slowly pulling out, then in again.

"Momma, Daddy, wake up!!" some happy child banged into the door, but Benji didn't stop entirely. I heard the knob jiggle. "HEY! It's closed! MOMMA!" They pounded and so did Benji. "DADDY!" another fist hit the door. "What are you doing?"

Benji continued. He nodded down at me as he sensed my hesitation.

"Keep going Jess." He murmured, lowering himself and wrapping his arms around me. The heat was on now, he moved fast. He moaned into my neck, lips clamping on to silence himself. I moaned sideways into the pillow. He went faster, harder, until he was totally unhinged and halfway out of me as he came, making a mess of our sheets.

"Oh Jesus." He cried, becoming totally limp and exhausted. He had just enough energy to kiss me. "You know how long it's been since I came in you? I love you so much."

"I do too baby." I kissed back. "That was so good." I took a deep breath. "Yeah, so good."

"MOM-MA!" Noah and Joel pounded together. "I'm awake now!" "I'm hungry!" They shouted collectively.

"C'mon, duty calls."

Benji laughed. "I don't think I can get up."

"If I can walk, you can get up." I joked, sliding out from under him and steadying myself on the mattress before planting my feet in my slippers and standing up. My legs ached and my knees were still weak, but I could pad across the room to find clothing. Benji rolled out after me. he opened up drawers groping for a clean pair of boxers and a shirt. He settled on blue plaid ones, he didn't bother with the shirt at the moment.

I looked at his shoulder where he had tattooed each of the kids' names in script with a star. They were like constellations down his shoulder. Ben had a red star, Isabel's was pink, Noah's was blue and Joel's was green. My eyes traveled further to my name on the small of his back. before we moved out here he had added 's, making it Jessa's, meaning he belonged to me. He had wanted to add property, but I told him no. "Jessa's" was enough. I had a new one as well. A reel of film around my ankle. Benji pinched my ass as I pulled a top over my naked chest.

"That how it's gonna be Benj?" I laughed. He stuck his tongue at me and I pulled his boxers down just enough to give him a bare ass spanking. "C'mon." I motioned heading for the locked door, preparing to greet my sons on the other side.

I opened it and Joel and Noah both fell inside.

"Momma!" Joel sobbed. "I missed you."

"Aww, baby, it's okay, I'm right here."

"But I was scared. I missed you."

"What about me?" Benji pretended to pout.

"I missed you too daddy."

Benji smiled and looked over at Noah, who was staring at Benji's chest. I admit Benji had problems being naked outside of the bedroom, but Noah has seen his father undressed before.

"P-U-N-X…" Noah spelled out. "Daddy, what's that say?"

"Punx."

"Whatsa punx?"

"I'm a punk."

"I thought you were a boy." Noah's face twisted in question. "Mommy says boys have peepee's and girls have a 'gina"

"Well…yes..they, uh, they do." Benji glanced at me. "Um…"

"That's true Noah, but boys and girls can be punks, too." I smiled.

"But what IS punk?" Noah threw up his palms.

Ben came out of his room at the same moment. His eyes went wide and he blushed furiously. He disappeared into the bathroom. "Sick." I heard him murmur. Benji pulled his shirt over his head.

Here goes another morning with the Maddens.

***

"Isabel can you take your little brothers inside, please?" I called as Chris and I tried to set up a tarp in the backyard.

"Okay daddy." Isabel stood up and dropped her camera so that it hung from her neck. "C'mon, Noh and Joely."

"They don't gotta leave Benj, really it's fine." Chris smiled. "I like 'em out here."

I smiled half-heartedly at Chris. I knew he liked having them around, but I felt like I was shoving it in his face. The boys running around my legs, calling for me to watch them tumble around the grass or be pushed on the swing. 'Daddy look,' 'Over here, daddy.' I felt bad, what if Chris' name was never daddy? Chris just smiled and watched.

"Makes me happy." He grinned again.

"I just wanna finish setting up…I don't want them to get hurt." I explained.

"Yeah." He nodded. "Right, so this one's up, do you have another one?"

I motioned to the box leaning against the house.

"You know you didn't have to help me." I emptied the contents on the lawn. "It's YOUR birthday. You should be inside licking the spoon."

"I wanna help." Chris explained. "I don't get to do the family thing all the time ya know."

I looked at him and my heart dropped down to my ankles.

"Don't Benj." He shook his head. "Don't go feeling all bad for lonely bachelor Christopher. Think I don't get it enough from my mom?"

"I'm sorry, Chris I just…"

"You just feel bad cause you've got this great big house and this adoring wife and bright eyed kids, and I don't. I get it."

"Chris, man, I really didn't want to…"

"Just nevermind." He reached for the poles and started connecting them.

We went back to work quietly. Assembling tarps and setting up tables. I started wishing I could get Chris a wife for his birthday. Hell a wife, kids, the whole nine, just so he wouldn't be so unhappy. I wonder if you really could buy someone something like that. Ready made. No waiting for all the details, the conceiving, the sonograms. Just BANG, wife, 2 kids, 2 car garage.

Jessa screamed from inside and we both dropped what we were doing. Actually she shrieked and 2 more women shrieked following her. We went inside I could see Jessa wooden spoon in hand with her arms around another dark haired woman. Her sister.

"Oh my God, Rach, I didn't…I didn't know you were coming!" Jessa cried.

"We wanted it to be a surprise." Adriana, with Chad, explained.

"Well I'm surprised." She grinned.

Chris and I came in through the French door.

"Hey, Rach!" I waved, wiping dirt on the back of my pants.

"Benji! Hi." She grinned, she looked so much like Jessa it was scary. "So, pimpin' it now huh?"

"What?" I asked confused, figuring it was some joke about having so many kids. It always was.

"The Mercedes."

OH, that. I shook my head. She smiled at Chris and put her arm around his shoulder.

"So making up for you lack of hair with a Benz huh?"

"Actually," I rolled my eyes. "The Benz is Jessa's"

"Little sister?"

And of course Jessa grinned and nodded.

"It was a gift." She explained.

"Wow, Benji breaking the bank."

"I wouldn't buy her a car!" I sneered.

"It's from Miramax, for the Oscar nom."

"Wow fancy." Rachel beamed. "What kind is it? Looks like an older model."

"It's a '16, it's retro, the Mercedes i."

"Please don't get her going on Carlos." I crossed my arms. "It is just a car, ya know?"

"Yeah, Benj, I'm not married to it!" she rolled her eyes. "Calling it Carlos was a joke ya know."

"You can't have sex with it either!" I made a face, ignoring her.

"What?" Isabel looked at me confused.

"Yeah Benj, what?" Jessa asked as everyone stared at me.

"Good one, pop." Ben laughed, sticking his head in the fridge.

"Nothing Iz, go play."

I headed back outside as Rachel, Adriana and Jessa laughed. She thinks I can’t hear her but I hear it…'jealous' she murmurs. Whatever. She did love that car a little too much. Oh the times I thought of getting Carlos "stolen" for the insurance money.

Ben came out back to grab a soda from the cooler. Seeing as how Chris stayed inside, I needed some help.

"HEY, Ben!" I waved him over.

"Dad, I was gonna go upstairs. What!?"

"Upstairs? When all your cousins are gonna be here?" I gave him a look. "C'mon, give me a hand."

"Geez, fine." he pouted.

He grunted and groaned the whole time. When did he get so…old? Grown up? He wasn't a little boy and it bothered me. He hadn't grown into his body yet, and his voice hadn't really changed, either. Technically he still WAS a little boy, I guess. I stopped and looked at him. He seemed bigger than me, taller maybe. I'm sure Jessa knew, I should ask her.

"Dude!" he complained suddenly. "What are you doing? Aren't you gonna help me?"

"Oh." I grinned. "Yeah."

It was kinda cool I guess to have a kid that big. It was kind of amazing actually.

"Is Courtnie coming over?" I asked as he helped me with the grill.

He shrugged as he popped his can. "I dunno, her mom's being weird and her dad's out of town again."

I felt bad for that kid. She had terrible parents.

"Well call her up. Tell her to come over and eat." I'd hate to think she spent the afternoon with her "nanny" cause mommy has a hangover again. The girl was almost 13, what 13 year old has a nanny?!

He nodded and sipped. He seemed really quiet, not that he hadn't always seemed quiet, just more than usual today, lately.

"You okay kid?" I asked.

"What'd Mom say?" He looked at me in disbelief.

"Nothing." I answered. "Should she have?"

"No…nothing." He reverted his attention to his coke.

"Really? Are you alright Ben?"

He just nodded. What a teenager.

"We're supposed to see your teacher on Monday."

"Uh huh." His eyed wandered over to his mom and everyone else spilling from the house. Alex was here. Zack and Noah started running off to the playhouse.

Joel trailed them. "I wanna play tooooo."

"Can you watch them?" I asked Ben and motioned to the boys.

"I'm not a babysitter." He scoffed. "I'm gonna go get Courtnie."

"Okay." I just let him go, usually I would be all over him for talking back, but somehow making him upset right now didn't seem worthwhile.

"We're here, we're here!" Lilly called stepping out and setting a bowl of what looked like potato salad on the table. Paul had Leah in his arms and together they set a present down for Chris.

Paul put her down. "Go play sweetie. Hey Benj." He waved as I began my way back up the steps of the deck.

"No, no, dadda." Leah reached her hands back up again. Paul smirked and picked her back up.

"Where's my son?" Lilly looked around.

"Joel's not here yet." Alex explained eating a cookie off the plate in front of her, patting her belly as she chewed. Joel was bringing Sam and Xander home from soccer today.

"Lulu, you wanna see my pictures?" Isabel asked.

"Sure Iz."

I turned around, Lulu was here? She was standing next to her mother and Jesus Christ, she'd grown up. She was not the little girl who ate fruity pebbles, she was a…a young woman was the best way to describe her. We'd seen her only a few years ago before we moved. She didn't look like that then. Isabel lead her into the house and up the stairs.

"Hey, bro." I heard Josh call. "Oh excuse me…"

"Josh!? Hi!"

"Rachel?!"

"Hi!" Rachel repeated. "You look…" She looked between Josh and Sophie. "Married!" She said happily. Rachel was married 2 years ago to a construction worker named Rick.

"Uhhh…"

"Oh sure, we 'look' married." Sophie sneered. "And you are?" She looked at Josh for an introduction.

"Uh, Soph this is Rachel." Josh seemed nervous, but I'm pretty sure the last time he saw Rachel she was half naked in a room upstairs in Joel's house and his pants were around his ankles.

"I'm Jessa's big sister." I'm also pretty sure he never told Sophie about it.

"Oh, that would explain it." Sophie smiled. "The looking-alike-ness."

"Hey, Josh, Soph." I nodded.

It was in full swing about now. Everyone was gathering around the tables on the deck and the kids beginning to run around the grass below. My grill was smoking and Lennon was barking. Perfect family gathering. I liked when we did stuff like this.

"Can somebody HEEEEEELP me?"

"I can hold it Momma."

"No, Cate, no…"

I ran inside where Sarah was at the door with her two girls and a smashed watermelon. Jessa is not going to be happy about that.

"Uncle Benji!!" her littlest one came towards me.

"Anna Banana!" I let her run up into my arms.

"Cate!!!" Isabel was at the foot of the stairs. "C'mon." she took Cate's hand and led her out back already beginning to chatter away.

"Catie made a mess." Anna announced. Bit of watermelon was already smashed into the mat by the door, Jessa REALLY wasn't gonna like that.

"Do you need some help?" Lulu asked Sarah.

Sarah nodded vigorously. She looked tired. Looks like Lewis was out of town yet again. I was supposed to be impartial about him and not say the wrong thing to Sarah, but I hated it. Hated how he always left Sarah with the kids, left her alone. I knew she hated it too, but she was too sweet to say anything. It reminded me of my mom. She smiled wanly at me and Lulu helped her carry in her things.

"What Benj?" she kissed my cheek, smiling wider. "It's just watermelon."

***

I smiled as I looked out the window at my whole family. It made me happy. Chris was down on the grass with all the kids. It was good for him. I wasn't supposed to feel sorry for him, but I knew ever since Lilly and Paul got married all he wanted was the same thing. He had girlfriends, but nothing ever lasted long and he was alone again.

I frowned and licked frosting off my spoon. Joel was talking to Alex's stomach, pretending to call the baby on a phone I think; he, Alex, and Lilly were laughing their asses off. I smirked. Joel was totally goofy. I think Zack really inherited that part of Joel. Sam was a much more serious often bratty kid, but they both looked almost exactly like Joel, you'd think Alex wasn't even involved.

Ben was moping by himself. Benji wouldn't let him go upstairs and Courtnie couldn't leave her house. I saw Xander and Sam go over there and start talking to him. I was waiting for the problems to begin. Xander was almost 9 and Sam was 7. If Ben wasn't around, Xander and Sam were friends. But when Ben was there, Xander ditched Sam in favor of being a big boy. I sighed. I could almost count. One…Two…Three…

Sam pouted and moved across the deck to Joel and Alex. I could see him complaining, pointing at his cousins. Alex trying to be sympathetic, but knowing he was too young for the older boys. As usual Ben and Xander didn't pay attention. It pissed me off when Ben pulled that stuff. He was rude to Xander too, when he didn't get his way. Making Xander his little crony.

Just as I was about to go outside and say something to him, I saw Ben and Xander go to the table where Sam was with his mother. He smiled and spoke without the teenager accent and all 3 of them ran down the steps to "play" I guess. He was up to something. I rolled my eyes.

I picked up the remaining trays of food and took them outside. Carly took one to lighten my load, as I reached the door.

"Looks like you needed a hand, mate." She smiled and and set it down in front of Billy and Brighton, their 1½ year old daughter. She was so pretty, smooth cinnamon skin (though not as dark as her mothers), dark hair and Bill's eyes. Bri laughed and smiled like Billy as well.

"My angel girl." Billy kissed her forehead.

I couldn't help smiling.

"Are you sure you don't need help Jess?" Alex asked, starting to stand up.

"Baby, don't exert yourself." Joel advised.

"Hey, I can frost a cake as well as the next girl, I'll be fine."

"Al…" Joel sighed.

There was crying across the yard and Sam and Zack were fighting. Chris was trying break them up, but Joel was down in 2 seconds, shouting. "Boys!" he stroked the side of his beard as he reprimanded.

"Ooo, looking good Joel." Lilly smirked.

"He's got that thing, and all of a sudden he's supposed to be all knowing." Alex rolled her eyes.

"C'mon he doesn't look that bad." I suggested.

"Easy for you to say, you aren't married to Smokey the Bear." She complained. "Sometimes I think about shaving him while he's asleep."

"'Scuse me, but who's Smokey the Bear?" Carly asked confused.

"He looks like Joel." Alex laughed.

Billy laughed. "He was a cartoon bear in PSA's about forest fires."

"Only HE," Alex pointed at Joel. "Can prevent my annoyance by shaving the fucking thing off. Do you have any idea what it's like to kiss a man with a full beard? He thinks I'm being hormonal about the lovey dovey stuff but it's that thing."

I smirked.

"It’s me or the beard." She muttered.

"Dude, we should disown him." Benji came up rolling his eyes. "He looks like such a retard."

I shook my head and smirked at Benji. He squeezed my shoulders and looked at me knowingly, before heading into the house. "I needa get the meat and stuff."

I followed him, getting the whistle from Rachel and Adriana who both laughed and giggled together. It made me almost want to lock the door and make loud sex noises to mess with their heads.

"What're you laughing about?" Benji eyed me.

"Nothing." I shook my head.

"Nothing, eh?" he grinned

"Yes, nothing." I stuck my tongue out.

"Ooo, give me some of that tongue." He joked, but pulled me to him and kissed me full on the mouth, full tongue.

"Mmm, " I smiled.

"Whoa, what's this all about?" Chad raised an eyebrow at us as he came in.

Benji blushed and backed his way towards the fridge. "Nothing."

I grinned again.

"Hey J." Chad put his arm around my shoulder. "How are ya?"

"When are you gonna marry my sister?"

Chad groaned. He'd lived with Adriana for about 8 years now. And yet they were nowhere closer to being married. They acted that way, but nada. He promised her he would…after the tour, or after the album was done, or after the holidays. It made me a little angry.

"What happened to 'Hi, Chad, I'm doing good, how 'bout yourself?'"

"We're better friends than that, now. Marry my sister!"

"We love each other, isn't that enough?"

"No."

"Marriage is just a piece of paper…right Benj?"

Benji stuck his head out of the fridge wide eyed, not quite sure how he should answer the question. He looked nervously between us a few minutes.

"Jessa's right." He said quickly. He took the containers from the fridge and headed out back.

Chad looked at me and scowled.

"You're a pussy!" he shouted at Benji's retreating back.

Benji shrugged and muttered. "At least I'm getting some."

I giggled and kinda blushed, thinking about what Benji was saying. Damn straight he's getting some, some long overdue. Dirty little thoughts seeped through my mind and I bit my lip.

"J?" Chad looked at me.

"What? Oh yeah, sorry." I smiled. "Wanna help me shuck the corn?"

He shrugged and started unpeeling an ear. He sighed.

"So, has Aid been talking to you about it?"

"About what?"

He gave me a look, "You know what."

"Chad, it matters to her and that's why it should matter to you." I explained. "It matters to our parents too." I added.

"Oh fuck them."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't act like you care what they think. Your dad still bad mouths Benji all the time. You know what he tells Adri?" He yelled. " 'Your sister might be married to a bastard, but at least she's married. Not living in sin.' That's what he says."

"Well you are." I agreed.

"WHAT?" He tore the husk off angrily.

"Fornication IS a sin, Chad." I explained.

"When'd you go all religious?"

"Hard to forget the big ones when you go to catholic school."

"And you never 'fornicated'?" He shot sarcastically and tossed the ear in the pot with the others.

"I didn't say that. I'm just saying he has a point." I shrugged. "You love my sister, right?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I do. What kind of lame-o stays with a chick for 8 years if he doesn't love her?"

"Okay…good, then what's the big deal about getting married?" I asked. "It's fun, you get presents and a big party. Seals the deal. God's happy and you will be too, I swear."

He just shook his head and sneered. "Just nevermind."

He stormed away and I sighed. What was he so afraid of?

***

"Soups on!" Benji yelled, setting the steaming plate of fresh burgers and another of garden burgers on the food table.

11 pairs of little feet bounded up the deck and clamored for space to eat. The adults shuffled around to get ready for dinner as the sun set and the Chesapeake became dark.

"Oh and I'm the retard?" Joel smirked at his brother as he seated Zack.

Benji stuck his tongue out. The boys ran over to Benji hopping up and down to get his attention. "Hey, hey, Joel, Noh, sit down guys."

I took their hands and led them to the table.

"Daddy I wanna have macaloni and cheese." Joel shouted sitting next to Noah and Zack.

"Sorry kid it's burgers today."

"Awwwwww, that sucks." Joel pouted.

"Joel!" Benji chided from across the large deck.

Sarah and Joel helped me get all the kids seated at the wooden table, with clean hands and plenty of napkins. Lilly, Benji and Paul put the plates together and Josh, Sophie, and Adriana handed them out to the kids. Alex rested her feet as Joel instructed. Everyone else lined up haphazardly to fill their own plates.

"Chris, sit down, we'll serve YOU." Benji used the daddy voice.

"Why yes sir!" Chris saluted with his plate and came to sit with the kids. I grinned at him. Chris winked. "Boy oh boy, am I hungry." He started. He looked over at Zack seated on his right "You hungry Zack?"

"Uh huh." Zack replied, bending his head back to look up at his dad. "Daddy I don't have my sunglasses." He blocked the setting sun in the west from his eyes.

"Wanna wear mine?" Chris pulled his shades from his collar and set them on Zack's face. They slipped over his nose.

"You're funny Uncle Chris." Noah noted, giggling.

"Uncle Chris, those don't fit." Isabel added.

"Whatd'ya mean don't fit? They look good to me." He gave a thumbs up to Zack. The kids all laughed. I think even Ben did.

"You guys are having too much fun, ya know that?." I grinned.

After cutting burgers into quarters for all the little mouths the adults gathered on the other two tables. Benji had served me a plate and set it in front of me with a grin. "No onions." He pointed out.

"Thanks, baby."

"So you and Josh aren't married?" Rachel asked Sophie.

"No. Josh doesn't believe in marriage."

"Is that what you're problem is?" Adriana turned on Chad. He rolled his eyes.

"Adri, please."

"Whatever."

I squirmed. I felt bad being married in front of them. I hated seeing family fighting. I also hated worrying about everyone else when I had enough to worry about on my own. I bit down into my burger and ate, paying close attention to chewing it.

"Joel you have a whole plate in front of you, quit eating my chips." Alex slapped his hand off her plate.

"Your's taste better." He made puppy eyes at her.

She started to smile and tried to hide it in sarcasm. "You have potatoes in your beard." She said the word like it hurt her.

Joel tried to look down his face to his fuzzy beard and wiped away with a napkin. I had to admit he looked pretty cute. Like a little kid. A little Abe Lincoln. Alex tried to hide her smile, but she was thinking the same thing as I was, I'm sure.

"Babe, can you get me the salt and pepper." Benji asked me. I looked over at him. "PLEASE!!!" he grinned. I mussed his short hair and got up.

The salt and pepper was inside, but I was back within seconds. As I passed the kids and Chris, Joel grabbed the hem of my shirt.

"Babe, can you get me s'more juice, peas?" he asked handing over his empty juice box.

"My name is mommy, Joel."

"Dadda calls you 'Babe.' " He said confused.

"Yes, I know." I explained patiently. "It's a special between Mommy and Daddy thing. You are not allowed to call me that, okay?"

"I didn't like it anyway." He nodded his head. "It sounds funny. Daddy's funny."

"Yeah, he is. Wanna try that question out again, little man?"

"Canna have more juice, Momma?" he smiled brightly.

"Yup. You sure can." I handed Benj his salt and pepper and opened the cooler bringing out a little box for Joel. "Noah, you want one?"

He shook his head. Zack raised his hand.

"Can I hab one Onnie Jessa?"

"One for Joel, one for Zack, anybody else?"

"Can I have one too mommy?" Isabel called. "And one for Cate. And one for Anna."

"Can I have one too Jess?" Chris called out as I set juices on the table popping the aluminum seal with the straws and passing them around.

After everyone had fresh drinks I returned to a cold burger and half eaten potato chips. I gave Benji a look. He shrugged. "Your's tasted better."

"So, san Diego for Christmas right Jess?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah." I grinned as I picked at my leftovers.

We'd been planning it for about 2 months now. Me, Benji, and all the kids were gonna fly out and spend Christmas with my family in California. I was so excited. Not snow, no frozen roads, NO SNOW DAYS! Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine.

"That's gonna rock." Adriana smiled. "You've missed like six Christmas's."

"Yeah, you know your parents are gonna be all over the kids." Chad added. "They never see them and they don't have any other grandkids."

"There is Lulu." Rachel made a face. "And don't count yourself out there Chadster, you could give 'em grandkids at anytime."

"Don't scare me."

"And what's so scary about that?" Adriana countered.

"Sorry, nevermind."

"Please don't fight." I tried to save.

"Who's fighting?" they both answered at once.

The kids didn't take long to finish (well at least half finish) their food and start to run around again. The parents were back up and chasing after them. It was funny how different our roles were. Balancing being husbands and wives with being mothers and fathers with being rockstars and important people in our fields. I remember drinking Mickey's with Joel, Billy, and Tony in the back of Mest's tour bus. And now I drink Juicey Juice with Joel, Noah, and Isabel. Weird.

It wasn't long before the kids were getting on each others nerves and staging little versions of world war II. It was all so-and-so pulled my hair, such-and-such stole my toy, uncle Chris is using my crayon! The yard was getting dark too.

"Hey, guess what guys?" I called. "It's time for cake."

"CAKE!?!" Joel's round little face shone with delight. "I likes cake Momma."

"Momma am I 'upossed to have cake?" Zack asked Alex.

"You can have a little piece." She made a measure with her fingers.

"Noah, I can have a little piece!" Zack ran off making the same measure. "My Momma said so."

"Mommy, Zack getsa have cake." Noah started to sob.

"Baby, you get to have cake too." I explained. Noah grinned wide.

"An' icream too?" Joel asked. He was on cloud nine to be getting dessert.

"No ice cream, Joely."

"Aww, man." he crossed his arms.

"Alright everybody over here." Benji hollered. "Let's sing happy birthday to Chris."

"Uncle Chris, it's your birthday!?" Isabel asked astounded.

"Yeah!" he smiled.

"I needa take your picture." She gaped.

"Sure thing Iz, let your dad light the candles first."

Benji carefully light the big 3 and 5 and signaled for us to begin. Everyone singing at once was quite a sound. Lucky we lived in such a small neighborhood. I had Noah in my arms as we sang he was all happy about that. I looked around at these people, my friends, my family. Joel had his arms wrapped around Alex, hands on her big belly. Billy looked squarely at Brighton, teaching her the song. Ben was standing next to Benji and I swear he was taller than him. Finally, I looked Chris illuminated by the glow of the candles, flushed with happiness. I don't think he needed to get to that pile of presents in the house. He looked like he'd already gotten it.

***

I shut the door to Isabel's room after putting her to bed for the night. She spent about 45 minutes showing me the pictures she took today and telling me how she read about goldfish that grow bigger in bigger tanks and that she wanted to see how big Snickerdoodle, her pet goldfish (once stationed in Joel's office), could get. I was dead tired. Benji was still downstairs as I could hear MTV blaring from the TV.

He was finishing off a leftover slice of cake and watching the video of a young teenage girl dancing around in pajamas and playing an acoustic guitar, singing about slitting her wrists. She looked like the spawn of Jewel, Britney Spears and Trent Reznor, kinda reminded me of Nine Inch Nails set to a teenie bopper beat. Benji didn't seem phased by it, in fact he seemed to know the words.

"What are you watching, you pervert?"

"I dunno, I'm waiting for MTVNews to come on." He glanced at the clock. "I wanna see if they say anything about Matt."

"Oh." I yawned. "Is that the last slice?"

"Ye-ah?" he looked apprehensive. Then handed off the rest, which consisted of 3 good bites.

"Kiddo's all tuckered out?" he asked.

"Yeah, Pa, and old yeller's off to sleep in the barn, I reckon we should mosey on up yonder to get some shut eye." I answered sarcastically.

"What?"

"This is not bonanza Benj, stop talking like such a hick."

"Aww come on, Ma. Give good ol' Pa a break. Maybe he'll show you his guns later."

"You've got more than one in there?" I tugged his pants.

"Shh, shh, it's on."

Some young know-it-all came on screen, little MTV symbol buzzing in the corner. He talked about that teenage girl, Juliet DiMarco, who's celebrating the success of her debut album with a non stop press junket. I felt sorry for her, in the clip they showed she looked out of it completely and she had this strange voice for a 14-year-old. After they were done with that piece they moved on to Calling Card as predicted. It was short and thankfully they focused on the album release and less on Matt's arrest. They even had a little snippet of Joel saying how much he believed in their success. Benji smiled.

"Good."

"Happy now Haas?" I asked.

"Tired now. Let's get upstairs." He motioned and turned off the tube.

We were right back where we started from. I pushed and arranged pillows before noticing what a mess the sheets were, then remembering this morning and realizing they needed to be changed.

"Help me out Benj." I started tossing pillows to the floor. "We need to clean up our mess."

He laughed, helping me take off the soiled sheets and one of the blankets, too. He deposited them in the chute in the hallway as I grabbed a fresh set. We made the bed together, chatting as usual.

"I talked to Paramount people yesterday." I mentioned.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Uh huh, they wanna see me Tuesday. They think I, to quote them, 'am a choice candidate' for a new project they're pursuing."

"Wow, that sounds great baby."

"I know. It's got me all excited." I bit my lip, before smoothing the sheet.

"New York?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Naw, Philly. It's in the morning so you need to be here for Joel and Noah."

"No problem." He shrugged. "It's release day I can watch numbers from home."

I laid down on the fresh bed. I liked the feeling of clean sheets. Benji laid next to me. arm gently snaking around my middle and running the length of my torso. He kissed me and began to feel me up. I let him take advantage, in fact I encouraged it. I was getting hot and wet. I wanted him, just like I wanted him all day.

"I'm going to take a shower." I told him finally. Slipping into the bathroom and flipping on the switch.

"All…right." He seemed disappointed.

I turned on the faucets letting the steam fill the room and I waited a few seconds, before appearing in the doorway, naked. Benji gawked, jaw falling open.

"Aren't ya comin', Benj?"

All his clothes were off in seconds and the door slammed shut behind us. He had me against the door, kissing the hell out of me.

"Oh, Jess."

"Shh." I quieted him and carefully stepped backwards behind the curtains and into the tub, him following me, looking right into my eyes.

Again he pushed right to the wall. The tile cold against my back. He went immediately to try to pick me up and do me against the shower wall, but I had much bigger plans for my Mr. Madden.

"N-no, Benj. Not yet."

"Aww, Jess…please."

I shook my head reaching for the puff and the shower gel. He watched me curiously as I lathered it up. I soaped up his chest, stopping occasionally and kissing him. He watched me as I cleaned him, smiling ever so gently. I smiled back at him slowly moving down his body and just beginning to clean his cock. He giggled, actually giggled.

"The bubba's tickle my peepee." He laughed. He totally broke my concentration and I laughed too.

"Dude…" I shook my head.

"C'mere baby." He smiled down at me and beckoned me back up. I stood up, staring at him with a kind of embarrassment. He took the puff from my hand and re-lathered it, smirking at me. I felt like a child in his control and that felt good.

He started tame, cleaning my most mundane and least erogenous zones, teasing me. I hated it but I loved it. Finally he went for my breasts, gently sucking my nipples before softly scrubbing them in circles with the puff. He moved down on his knees, kissing my chest and belly. I rolled my head back and running my fingers through his wet hair. Suddenly he blew a raspberry on my stomach and I giggled.

He smiled up me and did it again and again.

"Benji!" I screamed. "Stop."

"You really want me too?" he giggled doing it again.

"Bedroom, now." I commanded, stopping him and starting to get out of the shower.

"Jess? Where are you going?" he was confused. I quickly dried myself as I walked away. He shut off the shower.

"Lock the door Benj." I shouted as I hopped up into bed.

I laid back on the bed, halfway propped with pillows, waiting for him to join me. He crawled on top of me with the biggest grin on his face. We totally deserved this. Sex twice in one day, you'd think we were newlyweds. He kissed my cheeks and down my neck. The bed was getting wet beneath us, but I didn't care. I wrapped my legs around him and he didn't waste time.

"I love you Jessa." With one thrust, filling me up. My eyes flitted shut.

I moaned as he moved in and out of me. Quick then slow, quick then slow, a pattern I knew well and loved all the same. It never got old. The pressure on my groin, his weight pressing me, the butterflies in my stomach, the sweat dripping between us, the way the hair on his belly rubbed against mine. His head rolling back, him biting down on the rings around his mouth with fervor, murmurs of 'I love you'. All familiar, all the same, all.….ours.

"Oh God….God! Benji!….ohhhhhhh, mmmm." I moaned. I couldn't help crying out as he thrusted harder and faster. Our bodies were making annoying skin against skin slapping noises and I was grinding my teeth, but I was focused and determined not to stop. I shut my eyes tight, letting his raising orgasm overcome me.

I cried out again and let out a long "ooo" knowing Benji liked to hear he was doing the right thing. Meaning he liked me loud. So I indulged him.

"MOMMY!?!?" A child cried out and Benji was out of me so fast it felt like a bandaid being ripped off. Lock the door, lock the door, the only instruction I gave him was to lock the door.

"Mommy?" The confused teary voice whimpered again.

Benji had his hands over his eyes in shame and embarrassment and I covered myself up with a comforter, rolling off and finding my little Noah with teary eyes at the foot of the bed.

"Baby, what are you doing here?" I leaned down to him.

"Mommy?" His lip pouted outwards, he always looked more like Benji when he was crying. "Are you okay?" He blinked back tears in his little eyes. "Did daddy hurt you?"

I frowned. "No, baby, I'm okay, see?" Noah's little body shook with sobs. I stood up and went over to Benji's side of the bed. I tapped his arm.

"What?" He looked at me.

"You have to take him back to bed."

"ME? Jess, you're better at this explaining thing."

"Benji, it has to be you. You have to show him that he doesn't have to be afraid of you."

Benji sighed but got up and complied. Thank God it was still dark, he found boxers on the floor and slid them on. He opened the top drawer of the dresser and put on a wife beater too.

"C'mon kiddo." Benji leaned down to pick him up and Noah stepped backwards into me.

"No." He whined. Grabbing at my legs.

"Noah," he smiled at him. "Hey, kiddo, it's me. It's daddy, I'm not gonna hurt you buddy."

I nudged Noah forward and into his open arms. He scooped him up and went out the door to the boys' room.

***

"What were you doing to her?" he asked, tears still saturating his voice.

"Um...we were...um..."

"Why was Mommy crying?"

"She wasn't crying."

"Did she get hurt?"

"No, she wasn't crying." I tried to explain.

"But I heard her. Why did you hurt my mommy?"

"Uh......."I bit my lip. It would help if I was Jessa right now. "Look, kiddo, sometimes…sometimes mommies and daddies..um…" How do you explain sex to a 4-year-old?

He watched me intently like I was lying to him.

"Noh, when mommies and daddies love each other very much they…"

He kept his gaze fixed on me and it was making me nervous. I had to remember I was the adult.

"Look, when mommy…when you hear her crying like that, uh, don't worry about it, cause…cause daddy will take care of it. Daddy always makes mommy feel better okay?"

"I was scared."

"Well don't be, it's okay. I promise."

"But…" he wasn't convinced.

"We were jumping on the bed." I suddenly lied.

"Really?"

"Yes, jumping on the bed and mommy bumped her head."

"She got an owwie" he said all concerned.

"Yup but I kissed it and made it all better."

Noah smiled. Wow, that was easy.

"What we're ya doin' up kiddo?" I asked tenderly. "Did you have another nightmare?"

He winced and looked downward. He nodded with a pout. I melted to the core. I scooped him into my arms.

"It's okay my baby boy." I cradled him.

"I'm not a baby." He whined, fighting to get out of my arms.

I chuckled. "Okay. Alright. You're my big boy." I hugged him again and he laid his head against me.

"Can I sleep with you and Mommy?"

"No, Noah. We already told you. You're a big boy and you sleep in your bed."

He pouted slightly. "Can you sing me a song, daddy?"

He didn't wait for an answer cause he shut his eyes and smothered his body into my side. I panicked for a second. What song could I sing. How dare he expect that on the spot? Not like I sang for living or anything. Ha.

"What song, kiddo?"

"I like when you sing daddy, it makes me feel like a little kid." I smiled at him. He was all Jessa, I wasn't that smart when I was four. And Joel isn't even that smart now…kidding, Joel's too easy.

I went where the mood took me. It didn't matter what I sang. As long as it was sung right.

Hush little Noah don't cry no more, daddy's gonna buy you a record store
And if that record store goes broke, daddy will buy you some shares in Coke
And if your can of coke goes flat, daddy's gonna buy you a Laundromat
And if that Laundromat...is...uh...filled with seals, than daddy will buy you a happy meal

"With McNuggets right, daddy?" he asked.
"Yup, and lots of sweet and sour sauce."
"and ketchup?"

"Well duh."

Eat those McNuggets with sauce and ketchup
And daddy will clean your face right up
And lay you down to go to sleep
Cause your his baby boy and shouldn't weep

"What's weep?"

"Cry."

"Oh...I don't cry...Joel cries." He whispered, practically snoring between words.

Noah had fallen asleep as expected. I carefully took him from my lap and laid him in his bed. He looked peaceful once again. My poor little Noah. He had it rough. I needed to make him feel as special as he was to me. To know that I love him soo soooooooo much. No more nightmares for Noah.

***

'Awaken, Love' a poem by Jewel Kilcher