Now I cannot speak
I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.
Now I cannot speak.

I knew Benj would be in bad mood the next morning. And he was. He was such a child sometimes. He quietly made breakfast for the kids and ate in silence. I tried the cute sad eyes but he looked away. I rolled my eyes.

"Uh…dad?" Ben looked at his food as he spoke.

"What's up?" he had the voice, the annoyed one. God, Benj, don't take it out on your kids cause you didn't get some last night.

"My English teacher wants to talk with you guys, she says it's really important before the end of the school year." He kept looking down. I swear sometimes he was so shy about things.

"What about?" Benji still sounded mad.

"I dunno." Ben rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"Don't roll your eyes at me young man."

"God, I don't know, probably wants to send me away for being such an annoyance to the rest of the class." He stood up and marched back upstairs.

"Ben, get back here…"

"Benji!" I scolded.

He took a deep breath and sighed. "Whatever, go talk to him."

"Is Ben in trouble?" Noah asked quietly.

"No baby, no one's in trouble. Can you go get your shoes?" I told him. "You too Iz and get Joel his Velcro ones."

"Ok Momma. C'mon Joely." Isabel took her littlest brother's hand. She led the way for them all up the back staircase.

Benji stood up next heading for the stairs. I pushed him back towards his seat.

"Why don't you clean up the kitchen?" I said harshly, heading up towards Ben's room. "Asshole." I murmured.

I tapped on Ben's door and it began to swing open.

"I don't wanna talk about it, go away"

Ben had his head under his pillow. I sat down next to him on the bed anyway.

"Oh, honey, don't mind your dad he's acting like a retard."

"It's not him." he moaned from beneath the goosedown.

"Well what's wrong?"

"NOTHING!"

"Ben?"

"It's nothing mom, I swear, just stop…stop fussing."

"Ben…"

"Look," he threw the pillow from his head. "It's really nothing, so don't worry or tell dad or do any mom stuff okay? I'm fine, this is normal kid stuff."

"Baby, I can't help it. It's normal for me to worry too ya know?"

"Yeah, I know." He rolled his eyes and rolled onto his back.

"I'll call your teacher today, alright."

He nodded without another word.

"I love you, Ben." I kissed his cheek.

"Yeah, yeah." He kinda smiled, idly swiping my kiss from his cheek.

"Ben! Courtnie's here!" Benji called.

He hopped off the bed and grabbed his backpack off the floor. He'd definitely grown out of the Spider-Man backpack. He'd out grown chocolate chip waffles and go fish, Lego's and Playskool. He was so big. So grown up. He was almost a teenager. He was in junior high, a year ahead of all the other 12-year-olds, and he was so smart. He didn't seize to amaze Benji and I, with these glowing reports from teachers and A's and B's in everything.

I followed him downstairs. Short, dirty blonde, Courtnie Mitchell from down the street stood in our kitchen with her purple backpack attached to her back. She made friends with Ben the first day we got here. She was a year older than Ben, but it was perfect since he was a year ahead. They went to the same school and they usually walked to and from school together. Courtnie was a great kid, though I wasn't fond of her parents, since they were always drunk and constantly neglected her. She and Ben were best friends. Actually they were the only friends each other had.

"I'm sorry for yelling at cha kid." Benji patted Ben's shoulder.

"Yeah, whatever. Let's go Court." He adjusted his bag. "Did you bring your bike?"

"My mom won't let me." she frowned. "Let's just walk."

"Alright, fine."

"Bye Mr. and Mrs. Madden." Courtnie waved.

"Bye." Ben waved, from the door. "C'mon!"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Noah came running in, plowing into my legs and burying his face in my thigh.

"Noh, whatsa matter?"

"Joely…changa channel…Oscar…" He was all mumbled up and crying. My poor baby.

"Joely did what, baby?"

"Sesame street!"

I carried Noah into the living room where Joel was on the floor with both Cookie and Oscar and the TV set to Good Morning America.

"Hi, mommy." He stuck his tongue out at his brother, Noah did the same.

"Boys!" I reprimanded. I set Noah on the floor. "Joely give me the remote"

"My con-trol."

"No, Joel, give it to me, give it to mommy."

"Mine!" he put it close to his heart and crossed his arms over it.

"Givetta me, bratty." Noah reached out to snatch it from his brother.

"No, Noah, stop."

The boys were fighting over the remote as I tried to pry them apart. Suddenly the TV shut off and I looked behind me to see Benji standing firmly.

"Boys!" he had the tone. Both the boys dropped the remote and stared at their father. "Do I need to separate you?"

"YES!" Noah nodded enthusiastically.

"Sue-pid!" Joel stuck his tongue out.

"Joel!" Benji flashed his eyes at Joel.

Joel cowered.

"What did I say about that word?"

"It's bad?" Joel answered. Is it wrong to be totally impressed and turned on by my husband disciplining the kiddos?

"That's right, apologize right now to Noah."

"Sowwy Noh."

"Noah?"

"But daddy, Joel changa chan—"

"Noah!?"

"Sorry, Joely." Noah looked down.

"Now, give your brother a hug and tell him you love him." Benji crossed his arms.

The boys hugged and murmured tiny 'I love you, Noh's' and 'I love you, Joel's'.

"Canna watch Oscar no-ow?" Noah pleaded.

"No, you are going to go wash your hands and get your backpack to go to school." Benji ordered. "Joel, you are going to put your toys away." Benji motioned to the spilled contents of the toy chest in the corner.

"Yes, daddy." They answered in near identical voices and tottered off to do as they were told.

"Wow." I was in awe.

"What?" Benji raised an eyebrow.

"That was kinda hot."

Benji laughed to himself and blushed.

"I'm serious Benji. When you put on the daddy voice and you're all stern and…mmm." I swear I was hotter every passing minute.

"Well maybe later I'll put you in time out." He grinned wiggling his eyebrows as the phone rang.

"I'll get it!" Benji lunged for the phone. "Morning, Madden family circus."

I laughed.

"Hey bro." Benji greeted who, I guess, was Joel since Josh was NEVER up this early in the morning, he didn't have kids.

"He what?!" Benji screamed. "What happened? Did you call the lawyer?"

Benji looked a mixture of angry and confused and as much as I wanted to know what was going on I knew better than to get into it now.

"Daddy, I puddaway ma toys." Joel tugged on his shirt. "Can you pick me up?" he reached his arms up.

"No, Joel." Benji shooed him away and he concentrated on the phone. "Jess?" He motioned to our son. "Can you get Joel?…Not you, my Joel, c'mon what else?…well, what are we supposed to do?"

I tried to finish getting Isabel and Noah ready, but I couldn't help trying to eavesdrop on Benji and Joel's conversation. Not that Benji wouldn't tell me later, anyway. It was something big and important I could tell by the way he slumped onto the couch, shut his eyes and rubbed his temples.

"Yeah, well it IS a fucking disaster Joel!" Benji shouted into the phone. "Yeah…yeah, okay…I can be there in half hour. I'll see you there. Bye."

He hung up the phone and fell back against the couch shut his eyes with an angry, exasperated sigh. He stood up before I had a chance to ask anything.

"I gotta go to the office." He set the phone on it's base.

"Thought you were going to the studio with Bill?"

"Yeah me too, I better call him. I'll probably be out all day." Benji explained.

"What happened?"

He shook his head. "I'll tell you later. Hey, kiddo's give me a kiss."

One by one, Isabel, Noah, and Joel gave Benji a hug and a kiss goodbye. He smiled and told them all to have a good day, stay out of trouble, have fun; the things parents always wish their kids.

"Daddy I dowanna go to school." Noah whined.

"Sorry, kiddo, you have to. Don't you wanna go play with your friends? Don't you wanna see Zack?"

Noah shook his head. "I wanna go with you daddy."

"Aww, baby, you can't today, alright? Don't worry, you'll have a really good day, I can tell." He gave him another hug and a kiss before standing up and reaching for me. Noah pouted. "I'll try to be home soon, 'kay baby?" Benji gave me a kiss.

"Alright."

"Make sure Noh's okay." He whispered as he turned to leave. "Bye y'all." he waved. "Bye, Jess."

"Bye bye Daddy!" Joel giggled.

"Bye babe, love you."

"Bye Daddy." Isabel waved.

Noah sobbed.

***

My office was cluttered with family photographs; A portrait we did last summer, Jessa and my wedding picture, Ben's 5^th grade school picture, Izzy's kindergarten one, Noah and Joel laying against Lennon in the backyard, and a snapshot of me and Joel on his porch. I also had a ton of pictures the kiddos drew me, polaroids from Isabel, all framed on my wall with things like "Oscar and Slimey, Noah, age 3½" printed on the little plaques. I even had toys in here, a medium sized red plastic bin was in the corner full of Lego's, Barbie dolls, action figures, stuffed animals, you name it. I not only acted like a dad, I smelled and looked the part, too.

My office was a mess, no, it was ground zero. Balled up papers spilled from the trash can, a stack of paper a foot and a half high teetered next to the desk, empty cokes and stained coffee cups were all over the top of it. The computer monitor was covered in bright colored sticky notes. 'Chris' b-day, May 5,' 'Get dog food on the way home,' 'Call travel agent about San Diego,' 'I love you. –J' (she stuck that one there one afternoon as my back was turned, it'd been stuck there with scotch tape for like a year).

It was funny the place was so full, since I came here as little as possible. I didn't like the whole office vibe. I'd rather be in a studio or on a stage or at a show. Sitting behind a desk was so confining. I was forced here Monday and Tuesday though and sometimes half days the rest of the week, but normally I liked to be in the studio all day Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. But I kidded no one, my schedule was different every week because of circumstance, event, the kids, Jessa, whatever. I mean here it was Thursday morning at 8:30 and I was in the office, I was here yesterday too. I was about to sit behind the computer and make calls and get yelled at and yell at others. Kinda made me feel like Diddy.

"Benji?" one of the interns came in.

"Yeah?"

"Uh, Billy called. He didn't leave a last name…"

"It's Martin, but that's not important, what'd he say?"

"Uh, he called your wife and she told him you had to come to the office and he said you didn't pick up your cell, but to call him ASAP." By the way he read this off an index card and said A-sap, like a word not A.S.A.P.

I hunted in my pocket for my cell, I never missed calls.

"Your wife called and said you left your cell on the fireplace." He added.

Oh, awesome. I didn't keep a phone book, everything was in the phone. Damnit this meant a trip back home. Home was 30 minutes away. God.

"Is Joel here?"

"Yeah, he's in his office." I nodded. The intern just stood there.

"What's your name?" I asked, carefully observing his Dockers and dress shirt(?!?).

"Jake."

"Jake? That's my father in law's name…listen Jake. I don't know if you could tell or not, but DC Flag isn't a formal operation. So wear a t-shirt tomorrow and relax."

"Oh, okay. I'm just ya know…"

"Yeah I know, but quit it, makes me uncomfortable." I shook my head. "Can you get coffee?"

"Uh huh, sure."

"Alright get me a cup, 2 creams, 4 sugars, extra hot, k? I'm gonna be in Joel's office."

Joel was 3 doors down from mine, separated by a conference room and the bathrooms. His office was so neat and organized it made mine look like a landfill. He actually has REAL ART on the walls. Not just crayon drawings. It could be anyone's office, well if you overlooked the life-sized cardboard cutout of Tupac in the corner and the huge white board that occupied one wall covered in his boys artwork. Doodles I recognized as Zack's and big letters spelling out 'Sam Madden' and 'Daddys Oficce love Sam'. Today his door was flung open and it had a lived in look and smell. My eyes carefully probed the bag of donut holes on the desk.

Joel looked up at me from his desk and the phone as I came in. He held up his hand as I wandered over to the chair.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked. Must be Alex. "I know." He soothed into the phone. "I'm sorry…Al, I can't leave it up to Benji alone…I'll be home soon….have Jessa pick him up, get some rest." I just loved how my brother assumed MY wife could take care of his kids whenever they wanted her too.

Alex had been having a rough time, nearly the entire pregnancy; she got sick a lot, she was always really tired, and her doctor instructed her to stay off her feet, sleep a lot, eat healthy. As a result, she was stressing out. Alex wasn't the type to follow doctor's orders, she was convinced she knew what was best. It drove Joel crazy sometimes, when he just wanted to protect her, keep her safe and healthy.

He sighed as he hung up and leaned back in his chair. He shut his eyes a minute and idly played with the zipper on his hoodie.

"So." he started opening his eyes and scratching the weird little patch of hair on his face, he tried to call a beard. "About Matt…"

"What did he get arrested for?"

Joel flipped over a page in his legal pad and read. "Drunk in public, lewd conduct, and resisting arrest."

"Christ!" I can just imagine what Matt was doing drunk outside a bar at 2:30 in the morning

"Uh, here's your coffee, uh, sir."

I looked at Joel, smirking. Sir? He called me sir.

"Thanks Jake. You can call me Benji."

"Oh, sure, si— Benji."

"You can call him sir Benji if it makes you more comfortable." Joel giggled.

"That's okay." Jake stepped nervously out of the room. He'd get the hang of it, just like the rest.

"So, he's in jail. What about bail?" I sipped the coffee, it tasted amazing.

"It's not much, five grand." Joel sighed. "But he's gonna have a ton of court fees and all kinds of things. Raz, thinks he can get him off with just some fines to pay."

"What about probation and stuff?" I asked. "What happens if he can’t tour cause he can't leave the state Joel?"

"Don't get pissed off at me!? He's the one that put himself there, Benj." Joel spat.

I shook my head I knew it wasn't Joel's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault.

"When'd your friend get here?" I laughed, motioning towards Tupac, who would eternally give the west side sign to anyone in the office.

"What?" he looked behind him to see what I was looking at. "Oh, it came yesterday. Alex won't let me keep it at the house."

"I wouldn't either. What in God's name made you buy a cutout of Tupac?"

"It's kinda cool."

"No, it isn't Joel."

"Well, I think it's cool." He made a face and that was the end of that. "Matt's being arraigned at 2. We're supposed to go down to Raz's office and get stuff together."

"I'm sure there's gonna be press." I continued on my coffee.

"You wanna make a statement?"

"We should get the band to…Johnny." I suggested.

"Yeah," Joel nodded. "Let's get going."

We went towards the elevators, walking through the maze of cubicles. Smiling or waving at different members of the staff arriving to work. Finally we made it to the elevator, Patrick, Joel's assistant, in tow. I didn't have an assistant. Lola, my old assistant, got married and pregnant and that was the end of that, she lived in Atlanta.

"I need to go get my phone. I left it at the house and I need to call Billy."

Joel groaned. "alright, so I'll go down to Raz's and you can get your phone and meet us there?"

"Sounds good." I nodded. "I didn't do it on purpose you know Joel."

"Oh…so you 'accidentally' left your phone at home." Joel made little quotes.

"Yeah, I did." I defended myself. "You think I want to make another hour trip home and back."

"oh, no, of course you don't wanna go home and see your wife…in the middle of the morning…" he said sarcastically.

"C'mon Joel." I rolled my eyes. "I wouldn't go home to have sex with my wife."

"Oh, yeah right. Between you and Jess?" he scoffed.

"Look, it's not like it used to be alright." I was getting even more annoyed about it than I was.

"Well you've still got a sex life."

I glared at him, obviously he didn't get it. His eyes widened with recognition.

"Or not." He changed his mind. "How long's it been?"

"I dunno." I shook my head. "A…a long time. It's like we get started and then we don't get to finish. She fell asleep on me last week, like totally asleep, on top of me ready to go and she passed out."

Joel let a giggle escape. I glared. I turned to Patrick too to make sure he wasn't smirking.

"Hey, it's kinda funny. It's not like I'm getting any either." He shook his head. "Sometimes I don't think she even likes me."

"Joel, she's pregnant, you know how that goes." I explained. "Wait 'til after the baby's born, you get your lover back."

"Maybe Jess's pregnant!" Joel suggested.

"Doubt it, unless she's fucking around."

"So, it's been a REALLY long time, eh?"

"Shut up, Joel!"

"Well have fun getting your phone." Joel winked as he disappeared into his big black SUV with Patrick, both of them slightly giggling.

I rolled my eyes as I got to my truck.

***

"Jess?" Benji called through the house. I hopped out of the chair in my office and into the living room. I had the overwhelming feeling to cuddle Benji to death after Joel called to say Benji was coming to get his phone. I ran and wrapped my arms around him, practically jumping into his arms.

"hey, babe."

"Mmm, my Benji."

he giggled. "sup baby?"

"I love you." I was either high or really horny.

"I love y—" His words were lost as I thrust my lips upon his. He grinned when I finished. "I love you, too, Jess." He sighed happily. "where's Joel?"

"taking a nap." I wiggled my eyebrow.

He stared questioningly at me. "So…"

"wanna make out?" I grinned.

Benji smiled. On the couch we quickly escalated from making out to messing around. His hands were all over my legs, my hips, my butt, lips all over my chest; my hands through his hair, my thighs straddling his lap, my mouth forming an 'o' and releasing pleasure filled moans.

"Oh Benj." I bit my lip, then lowered my head to kiss him.

"You know, I just came for my phone." He laughed as I sucked and licked his neck. "God, Jess." He added as my hands floated down his body.

"Yeah I know." I continued, beginning to grind my hips up and down.

I had Benji's phone in my pocket so I couldn't forget to give it too him, and hopefully I wouldn't seeing as how my pants would be hitting the floor any minute. He moaned against my ear and I got excited as I felt what was growing beneath his pants.

Suddenly the cellphone buzzed between our bodies. Benji laughed hysterically.

"Oh my God, what is that?" he shuttered with tickle.

I answered it quickly, noticing the caller ID.

"Joel," I sighed exasperated. "Call back in five minutes."

"FIVE?!" Benji's eyes bugged.

"Make it ten." I smiled down at Benji. "Your brother's feeling ambitious."

I clicked off the phone and tossed it aside, not even giving Joel a moment to complain.

"Where were we?" I smiled. Benji laughed before, pinning me to the couch.

"Right here." He said roughly. He began on my belt.

There was a small whimper and a sniff. I stopped Benji and motioned my head towards the noise. We both sat up and looked over the back of the couch, facing the stairs. Idly holding the banister and Cookie Monster was Joel. He wiped his teary eyes and sniffed.

"I heard my daddy."

"Aww, little guy, I'm right here." Benji got off me, straightening his pants as he stood up. He walked around the couch to our son. "Did we wake you up?"

Joel nodded, adjusting Cookie in his arms. He held out his cookie to Benji. "Dada, Cookie pee peed in the bed."

"Cookie should have gone before you took your nap, huh?"

Joel nodded enthusiastically. "Uh huh. Bad Cookie. No more pee pee." He looked sternly at his toy. "Daddy, we're all wet."

"Alright, let's go get cleaned up, baby boy." Benji scooped Joel into his arms throwing an apologetic frown over his shoulder.

***

I stripped Joel of his wet clothing as the tub filled with warm water and Mr. bubble.

"Daddy, can Cookie take a bubba bath too?"

"Sorry buddy, Cookie Monster has to take an extra special bath." I explained.

Joel pouted.

"Joely, it's alright, you'll have fun in the bath tub, you like bubble baths."

"Yups, I likes bubba baths."

I laughed, he really was the cutest little boy imaginable. I picked him up and set him in the tub.

"OOO, the bubba's tickle me, daddy." Joel giggled. I grinned and soaked the wash cloth in the tub before handing it to Joel.

"ok, you know the drill. We clean and then we play."

"UH HUH!" Joel took the towel and soaped it across his white little chest.

We went through the routine we always did.

"Neck." I instructed, demonstrating the movements. "arms…left…right…under your arm…" I lifted my arm and swished my hand in my armpit, so Joel would do the same. He laughed.

"You look funny daddy."

I grabbed a handful of bubbles and put them on his head. "Now, you look funny, Joely."

"no, daddy, I don't want bubba's in my hair!" he shouted throwing a fist full at me, hitting me squarely in the chest.

"Are you guys having fun or what?" Jessa leaned in the doorframe, smiling.

"Dada put bubba's in my hair!"

"bubbles in your hair? How dare you dada."

I shrugged with a smile. I stood up.

"Alright, I gotta get back. Hey, little guy, can Momma finish giving you a bath?"

"You gonna go bye bye?" he asked.

"Sorry baby boy."

"Who's gonna play bubba's with me?" he almost cried.

"Noah's gonna be home soon baby, and Zack's coming over." Jessa tried to soothe him.

Joel pouted his lip anyway.

"Say bye bye to daddy."

"Bye bye." Joel pouted.

"Bye, Joely, I'm gonna miss you, little guy." I tried to sound reassuring. I frowned and turned to Jess. "Bye baby."

"I'm your baby!" Joel shouted.

I laughed, and leaned over the tub to give Joel a kiss. "Yes you are."

I gave Jess another kiss and headed out.

"Benj!" Jessa called and I turned.

"Your phone?"

"Oh." I blushed. "Right."

***

I rolled my eyes and tapped my pen on the pad in my lap. Jesus when will this be over. Matt sat across the room and Joel and I were seated in the visitors section. I was supposed to write some notes about what we could say to the press. Mark Hunter, from MTV, called Joel on his cell asking about what happened. My, my, how news travels. Anyway Joel decided to do a small press thing tonight, with the band. MTV was already sending a correspondent. Wish he'd talk to me first. Talking to the press was like dealing with the devil.

We were making too much of a deal already. The album is coming out next week, the press junket was supposed to start tomorrow in New York, and good old Matt has to get drunk and disorderly, stupid fucker.

"Coming up with anything?" Joel peeked in my lap. "What are 'bubba's'?"

"Nothing nevermind." I covered the notebook.

"Is it some weird sex thing?"

I stared at him, sometimes I couldn't believe the words coming out of my brother's mouth. "NO!"

"We used Sweeten'd Blow flavored stuff once." He mentioned. "It made Alex break out though, she was allergic to it or something. Her tongue swelled up and…"

"Enough Joel!"

"Did you get laid?" he smirked.

"No." I shifted uncomfortably. "I need some air."

I went into the lobby and sat on one of the hard benches. I looked across the lobby and stared at the large portraits of presidents, at the reception desk and the metal detectors. It was 7 years ago when I came here for the first time, there was a day-care down the hall. There was a conference room down to the left. This is where I met my son and the building was etched in my mind. I could almost see Jess and I walking hand and hand across the marble.

And now my life was different. I used to worry about looking presentable at these places by taking off my eyeliner, but I hadn't really worn any in like 4 years, maybe at shows, but it just didn't interest me anymore. My hair color was natural, sometimes black. I had my piercings in, but they were so common, I don’t think they shocked anyone anymore. I was just a regular guy. The one that helped his daughter with homework and played baseball with his sons. The hardcore punker wasn't gone, but he wasn't hardcore about activism…he was hardcore about…like…Sesame Street.

But it's not like it wasn't a welcome change. I loved my family and my babies and my wife. It was just different. Sometimes I met women, the ones that used to be the girls at the concerts. They told me how different I looked, sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a 'you sold out' way. If selling out means having kids and a wife…everyone should sell out. I felt the same inside, but people always seem to watch what you do outside. I didn't really care anymore. I stayed away from as many cameras as I could. The press lies.

"Benj?" Patrick peeked out.

"Yeah?"

"Joel, uh…needs you."

I stood and went back into the courtroom, putting on my co-president of a record label face.

***

Ten thirty and again I was just getting home, another microwaved dinner and another stab at getting some before someone woke up with a nightmare or wet sheets or just plain insomnia.

"Hi baby." Jessa greeted me as I came in. I grunted and nodded before heading for the kitchen. I grabbed a cold coke and set it on the counter.

"Benj?"

"What?" I was slightly in a mood.

"Baby, don't be pissed off, please." She grinned her sexy grin and made puppy eyes. "I lub you."

She didn't fail to make me feel better.

"OOO, you LUB me, huh?"

"Wanna finish what we started this afternoon?" Psychic that wife of mine.

"Mmmhmm."

Back to the couch we went. Her fingertips idly drummed along my lower back, under my shirt, as I thrust my tongue in her mouth. She lips fought mine in eager battle as hands felt up, down, over, under, around and, yes, in. Clothes were beginning to come off, skin was everywhere.

"OWW!" Jessa cried tummy thrusting upwards against mine, confusing me completely. I hurt her back?

Her hand fumbled under her and returned with an action figure.

"You were laying on that?" I grinned.

"God, these are harmful toys. We really let our kids play with these?"

"C'mon," I got up off her. "Let's go upstairs, we're gonna need to lock the door."

"Oh yeah?" She bit her lip.

I motioned my arm to the stairs and she ran up them, I chased her into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. The pants came off and I pushed her into position in the center of the bed. She was flushed and her chest rose and fell quickly, she was ready, so ready. I teased her a little more when I turned to lock the door. As I went for the lock I spied another toy, this time a my little pony. I let a little guilty daddy thought enter my head. I'd been home for 15 minutes and didn't even see my kids at all, how selfish could I be?

"Baby?" I turned.

"Yeah?" Don't think I don't notice your eyes on my package, Jess.

"I need tuck in the kids real quick, first." I said guiltily.

"Aww, alright, babe."

"Don't come without me." I warned, smirking. "I'll be right back."

how long would it take me to do a head count and check for breathing?

Isabel's room was closest. She had her long hair all over her face and pillow. One. I went across to Ben's room, again he was shell shocked looking. I still don't know how he got so genius like smart. I wasn't THAT smart. Two down. I went into the boys room. Joel had a teddy bear…cookie must still be drying. He looked adorable. I leaned down and kissed his head. Then I went across to give Noah the same treatment.

As I leaned down I saw the shine of his open eyes.

"Noh?"

"Hi, daddy, I was waiting for you." He sounded dead tired.

"Oh." He was so sweet and cute. He probably waited for me all night. Stupid Matt. Listen to me like it's his fault I didn't have time for my kids.

"Are you home now?"

"Yes, of course." I smiled, kneeling to rest my legs. "What are you doing up kiddo?" I kissed his forehead.

"I was waiting for you." He repeated. Oh yeah he said that. "I missed you today daddy."

"I missed you too kiddo, I miss you everyday."

"I'm sleepy daddy." He yawned.

"So go night night." I smoothed his hair.

He gave me a hug and smiled. "Love you, Dada, nigh' night."

"Night night, Noh."

I shut the door behind me and grinned to myself remembering what was in store. Knowing Jess, she'd have dressed up…or down, mmm. I came back into the room, barely able to keep my excitement inside. But instead of Jessa ready and waiting she was rolled onto her side, light snores vibrating her body. I sighed and crawled next to her.

"Jess." I nudged her. She shrugged me off. "Jessa, baby." I urged again.

"Ugh, Benji, what?!" she groaned. "I'm sleeping here."

"Baby, I thought we were gonna make love."

"Eh." She sighed. "I'm tired Benj."

"Yeah, you're tired of me." I pouted.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" She turned to face me, an angry shock overcoming her features.

"Sometimes, I think you dont like me anymore!"

"Why? Cause we dont have sex 3 times a day?" She countered. "Benji it's not all about sex."

"That's obvious."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want YOU!" I yelled.

"Ya know, when you yell you're only going to wake up the kids and then you really won't be getting any."

"And how would that be different from now?" I rolled my eyes. "You hide behind them, ya know. It's the only excuse you've got. The kids this, the kids that. They aren't babies anymore, we can lock our door one night out of the week."

"Well, then I hope it's you who finds Noah asleep on the carpet outside the door." She sneered. "You really are the most selfish person I've ever met."

"Oh, really? Really?" I was getting more angry by the second.

"YEAH REALLY!"

"Then I'm gonna take MY pillow and MY blanket and sleep in MY living room, so you can have the bed to yourself, let all the kids sleep here for all I care!" I took off.

"Have fun alone then, retard."

I slammed the door shut behind me. Now we were gonna fight about it. I was never going to have sex with my wife again. I heard crying, for a second I thought it was Jessa and I had a slight tinge of guilt, but I was still pissed off. Time after time it's the same shit. I needed to get some, NEEDED to. A second later I realized it was my boys crying.

I went into their room, rapping on the door as I swung it open.

"Boys?" my voice was met with Jessa's at the same moment. I turned to her and we sent each other frosted glares.

"Daddy, are you mad?" Noah asked, tearfully.

"No, buddy, not mad." I lied through my teeth and sat on the edge of his bed.

"It was loud." Joel whimpered.

"I know, baby, I know." Jessa took him in her arms and rocked him.

"I'm sorry, Noh." I frowned.

He reached his little arms to me and I took him in my lap. I hugged him close to me, staring at Jess with Joel across the room.

"I'm so sorry, Noah. I love you. Go back to sleep, now."

"Are you sad Daddy?"

"No." I lied again, quickly averting my gaze from Jessa down into Noah's little face, the one that had Jessa's delicate features. I smiled at Noah. He was mine and Jessa's. He wasn't a part of me or a part of Jessa, he was a part of us.

I looked across at Jessa again, smoothing Joel's dark hair across his forehead. She always made me feel like an asshole, even when I was right. And I was right, right? We should be able to have sex once and a while, shouldn't we?

"Go, back to sleep now, baby." Jessa told Joel, settling him back in bed. I did the same for Noah.

We left the room together, barely looking at each other and then parting ways at the landing. Her back to the bedroom, me to the toy strewn couch and infomercials.

***

"Benji?" I shook him from sleep 2 hours later, I hadn't fallen asleep. Just lied awake feeling guilty and wrong, but I wouldn't tell him that.

"Wha- what? Jessa?"

"Come back to bed baby, I'm cold."

His eyes were half closed but he smiled and followed.

***

"Redundant" Green Day, from the album, International Superhits