Part 7|Roses

"But Joel…"
"OUT! You think I wanna see your lying whore face!?"
"Hey!" Paul defended me.
"She is a whore. She's a lying cheating whore!" Joel yelled, he looked straight at me. "I hate you."

I slapped him. Hard across the cheek, making him reel a little bit. Tears streamed down my face as I turned to leave. No one said anything more. Paul followed behind me as I went to my car.

"Lucy…"
"What?" The tears were soaking my entire face.
"Where are you gonna go?" Paul asked with concern.
"I don't know right now."

I stared at him. Waiting for him to ask me to come with him. He didn't say anything. More tears fell as I got into the driver's seat of my car. Paul knocked on the window. Was he going to ask me to come with him? A little past the moment, but I would take it. I rolled down the window.

Paul reached into his pocket and pulled out a fold of bills, carefully taking a few twenty's out.

"What are you doing? Trying to buy me off?" I screamed.
"No, God, Lucy. NO!" He yelled back. "I want you to be taken care of for the night."

I glared at him.

"Anna's back at the house and I don't want to upset her right now."
"Whatever fine. But don't give me your pity money. I can take care of myself."
"Lucy, you know you can't."
"Fuck you!" I cried and revved the engine.
"Lucy!" I couldn't hear him, but I saw his lips moving, shaping my name. I reversed out of the driveway and down the street without another glance back.
***
I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't have friends outside of Joel and the rest of Good Charlotte. That made me sad. It felt like I only had a life because I was married. Joel defined my life and without him I was a lost little puppy.

I can't believe he told me he hated me. He hated me. Joel hated me. I was Paul's toy and Joel hated me.

Life was so unfair.

I was sitting in this cute obscure coffee shop somewhere in North Hollywood. Joel would probably be worried to see me here, if he didn't hate me. I looked at the setting sun and sighed.

I had to go somewhere. I wished I had some good girlfriends to crash with. I shrugged. I guessed I would go to a hotel. I opened my purse and made sure I had a couple of credit cards. Sure enough Mister Visa, Mister MasterCard, and Mister American Express smiled back at me. Joel had cut up Mister Discover card months ago. That damn card was a bitch.

Benji was a bitch. Benji was dick. This was all Benji's fault. Every single second. If it wasn't for him none of it would have happened. He's the one who always got Joel mad at me. He's the one that tried to break us up.

I wanted to go to his house and scream at him. Yell, at him. Kick him. Kick him, right in his fat white ass.

I wanted to go to his house. So I would, it was time for me to take the reins of my life and do what LUCY wanted to do. I tossed my empty coffee cup into the garbage and hopped into my car. I played some angry music as I drove. Not only that but I was speeding as well.

I made it to Benji's in 10 minutes flat, congratulating myself about my record time.

I banged on his door, hoping he was asleep and I had just woken him up. I hoped he was in the middle of some really good dream too. Wake up, wake up you fucking rat ass bastard.

"Lucy?" He opened the door with surprise.
"Asshole!"
"Lucy?" He said again as I pushed past him into his house.

"This is all your fault you know?" I wasted no time.
"You told Joel?"
"Yeah, and he told me he hates me, Benji!"
"He hates you?" Benji soughed into his dark blue couch.
"Don't be so surprised. That’s what you wanted to happen, right?"

Benji looked up at me and glared.

"Yeah, that's right I want my brother to hurt, Lucy. I want Joel to be in misery. You're such a fucking little kid." He spat.
"Well you never wanted us together. You always tried to break us up."
"I did?"
"What did you call it?"
"The truth!" His eyes bored a hole in my skull. "Lucy, I tried to protect my brother from you. yes, I knew he loved you. He did Lucy and he still does…"

I opened my mouth to protest.

"He does, no matter what he says. But you don't love him, Lucy. Not the way he deserves to be."
"I love him."
"No, Lucy. You're selfish. You care about yourself."
"I DO love him."

Benji rolled his eyes.

"You do NOT! You care about being taken care of. You like to fuck him. You like having someone put their arms around you and say, 'it's okay.' Joel "saved" you and that's why you stay. Not to make him feel good, because HE makes YOU feel good. That's selfish, Luce. It's really fucking selfish."
"Benji…"
"Do you think he didn't see that?"
"See what?"
"Lucy, Joel isn't stupid. He knew things. He knew something was wrong. I didn't have to say anything, this would have happened sooner or later."

I couldn't believe Benji was gonna make me feel guilty.

"But it's your fault!"
"How? Because you came on to me, and acted like it was okay not to say anything."
"Huh?"
"Don't you remember your wedding night?"

What in God's name was he talking about?

"The night you and Joel got married, in New York. You almost fucked me."

Memories like rain came flooding back. I was drunk and I had fooled around with Benji, thinking he was Joel.

"God, Lucy. You can't even take responsibility for yourself. You can’t take care of yourself. You need to have someone pick up your pieces. You need to blame someone."
"You asshole." I kept my anger on Benji.
"Lucy!" Benji grabbed my shoulders and shook me. "Look at yourself, would you? You're so pathetic, don't you see it?"

I spit in his face and tore my body out of his arms.

"This IS your fault Benji. I don't care what you say. I hope your happy for breaking your brother's heart and being responsible for taking his child away from him." I turned to leave his house. The plan to just run nowhere forming in my head.

"Lucy," he grabbed my arm again. "Go upstairs. Lay down and think. I don't want you out there alone."

The words sounded so good, even from Benji. Tender almost. I was surprised to find my anger gone, my guilt had begun to seep through. I went up stairs and into one of the empty bedrooms. I laid down and realized how exhausted I was. Benji's voice floated up the stairs.

"Yeah, she's over here." I could hear him. Who was he talking to? I didn't care.

"I think she oughtta sleep it off for a bit. You wanna?"

That was all I heard before drifting off to sleep.
***
Joel decided it best for us not to separate. I didn't know what that meant, exactly. I moved my things into the guest room and Joel stayed in the master bedroom. We did none of the normal husband/wife stuff. It was very strange situation.

Paul and Anna had, the divorce was gonna be final in a few weeks. He was living in an apartment all alone. He was extremely depressed. He called me on the phone a lot, made sure I went to all my doctor's appointments, made sure I stayed away from anything remotely bad and cigarettes. He actually told Joel about that, in one of the rare moments they spoke, and Joel too kept close watch over me.

Neither one of them actually forgave me. They were both a little resentful. But they had the right, I guess. Funny that Benji actually seemed to. He was the only person I knew that didn't treat me like…like…I was an accident, a mistake. Maybe it was because I never fucked him.

The band hadn't broken up, but there was tension and everyone felt it. Joel never said more than necessary to Paul and Paul only responded when asked. Chris tried to be funny and make everyone smile, but even the ever optimist didn't bring up their spirits.

It was all my fault too. When I slept at Benji's I realized it was my fault. Yeah, Benji had started the fight, but I made the decisions. Whatdya know, I had been in control of my destiny the entire time. I hated myself for what I was doing to them. I wish I had never come into the picture for any of them.

I looked myself over in the full length mirror. Short Stuff was going to be a big baby, I could tell, that or I was completely milking the "eating for two" thing. I looked at the stretched skin on my belly. I felt the gentle rumble of the baby's heartbeat and smiled to myself.

I wondered just about everyday about paternity. Joel pretended to ignore it. He, as it turned out, was pretty good at disguising his feelings and pretending things didn't bother him. Like it didn't matter.

It mattered. And I had made an appointment to see my OB/GYN on Tuesday. It didn't matter if Joel didn't want to know. I needed to know. For myself. For Short Stuff.

"Hey Lucy?" Joel came around the corner and grinned at me.

I jumped and covered my nakedness. Joel laughed.

"It's nothing I haven't seen before."
"So." I continued to cover myself.
He shook his head. "Look I'm running to the store. You need anything?"
"Ice Cream?"
"You're not supposed to. It's not healthy."
"Joel?" I pleaded.
"I'll get you something good, okay? Bye baby." He kissed my cheek and left.

I stood there awestruck. Joel hadn't called me "baby" in 5 months. Not since the day I told him the truth. It felt strange. I hadn't had the desire to call him anything except Joel. Joel felt more and more like my concerned roommate and less like my husband as this pregnancy wore on.

Suddenly, it was as if Joel was forgetting what I had done. I didn't want him to forget and I was not expecting forgiveness. I had sorta realized what kinda marriage I had and didn't want to be a part of it, but Joel wouldn't let it go. It was like he would be failing if we got divorced.

I dressed and laid on Joel's bed. I reached over to the phone and called up Paul.

"Hello?" he answered.
"Hi."
"Hey Luce."
"Pauly would you bring me ice cream?"

I could nearly hear a smile.

"What flavor?"
"Cookies and Cream." I could taste the sweetness slipping down my throat.
"Mmm, can I have some?"
"One condition."
"Yeah?" "
I get my own gallon."

Paul laughed.

"I'll be right there."
"I'll be waiting right here."

We hung up and I stared at the ceiling. What was I doing? I was technically still married. But it wasn't as if I was still sleeping with Paul. He was possibly the father of my baby.

I couldn't go on like this. Especially if Joel though we were gonna still be together.
***
"Knock, knock, ice cream man!" I could hear Paul yell when he rang the doorbell.

I hopped off Joel's bed and ran downstairs to the door. Just as I went to open it I heard Joel.

"What are you doing here?" Joel asked, disgusted.
"I brought Lucy ice cream." Paul answered innocently.

I could hear Joel's aggravated sigh. He opened the door, surprising me. He scowled at me.

"I told you, you couldn't have ice cream."
"What are you? Her father?" Paul laughed.
"Don't even say anything, Paul." Joel shot a dirty look over his shoulder to Paul.
"Fuck you Joel, I can say whatever I want."
"You'll say what I want you to in my house."

I could feel the fight in the air.

"Okay, knock it off." I stood between them.

Joel pushed Paul anyway. Ignoring me.

"C'mon, you wanna do this?" Joel taunted.
"You really wanna pick a fight with me Joel?"
"You think you're some tough shit? Who did you think you were, fucking MY wife?"

I felt helpless as the two men I loved stared daggers at each other and balled their hands into fists. This was my fault to wasn't it?

"C'mon Paul I dare you. Hit me." Joel taunted. "Hit me!"

There was a soft thud when the ice cream hit the floor and Joel yelped in pain before I knew what was happening.

"Stop it!" I screamed. "STOP!"

The two were beating the shit out of each other on the floor.

"STOP!" I cried over and over.

"Paul! Joel!" I begged. "Please, don't. Please?"
"Motherfucker" Joel growled and punched Paul across the chin.
"Ha, I fucked your WIFE you moron." Paul hit back.

"I'm getting a paternity test!" I cried, as my last resort. Neither one heard me.

"I'M GETTING A PATERNITY TEST!!" I yelled, both looked up from the floor and stared wide eyed at me.

"What?" Joel choked, fresh blood dripping from his nose. "Luce?" Paul questioned, bruises forming on his jaw and brow. "I..I made an appointment for Tuesday. You both need to give blood samples." I said quietly.
***
"Lucy, Where were you today?" Paul's voice came through the receiver. "I let them take a sample. And I saw Joel, but you weren't with him. I called the house already. Lucy, where are you? I'm getting worried. If Joel wasn't being an ass I know he'd be concerned too. Call me, alright? Let me know you're okay. Ok?"

There was a short pause in the message. I heard static fuzz.

"I love you." Paul added quickly and hung up.

There was a beep and it moved to the remainder of my 11 messages.

Sent today at 12:46pm
"Lucy!!" Joel screamed. "Lucy please! Come home, please!"

BEEP

Sent today at 1:02pm
"Baby, where are you? Call me please? Please?" Joel pleaded.

BEEP

Sent today at 1:13pm
"LUCY! Where the fuck are you? Are you okay? Why didn't you come to the doctor's?" Joel was breathing fast. "Lucy, you're scaring me."

BEEP

Sent today at 1:57pm
"Is this about last night? Lucy…we need to talk okay. Don't just leave. Don't run away. I know that things are bad, but…but for our baby Lucy, can't you do it for them? Call me soon. I swear I'll report the credit cards stolen and catch you if you don't come home." I could almost hear Joel's pulse racing. "Baby, I love you."

BEEP

Sent today at 3:32pm
"Lucy, it's Benji. Joel's really bad. Just call and tell us your okay and we'll leave you alone, I swear to God." There was a shift and movement through the phone. As if Joel was in the room with him and what he had to say he didn't want Joel to hear.

"Lucy, I think what your doing is right. You and Joel shouldn't be together. Even if the baby is his. But just call, please, I'm sure Paul is worried too. Okay, bye."

BEEP

Sent today at 4:12pm
"Luce, hey." It was Paul. "Lucy I'm about to go out looking for you. Benji called. He said that you asked Joel for a divorce last night. That you were gone this morning and no one has heard from you. Lucy please. I just wanna know that you and Short Stuff are okay. Call me soon, okay?"

BEEP

Sent today at 5:04pm
"This is Meredith at Dr. Farrar's office for Lucy Madden. I'm just reminding you that you had an appointment this morning at 11:30. Both males showed up to be sampled and you can reschedule at any weekday until 5:30, and weekend 'til 2pm, our number is (***)***-4683. We'll be waiting for your call."

I sighed as my messages ended. I should call someone and I would, soon. I hunched over the small desk in my hotel room and shut my eyes. I couldn't believe I was doing this, but now that I'd started I couldn't turn back.

Poor Joel, sounded desperate. Clinging to love that he knew didn't exist, he just couldn't stand being wrong, couldn't stand to fail. I had sat him down last night. Told him how I didn't think we had a marriage anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce. He refused, of course, gave me all kinds of reasons why not. None of them convinced me.

I took off this morning before he woke up and I knew that wasn't a good way to leave things, but I had to show him I was serious. Show him that I was growing up and I intended to pay for my mistakes.

I had come to the conclusion that Benji had been saying for 2 years, I was really selfish. It was time to make changes. For this baby. It was all for Short Stuff. Joel and Paul mattered little in comparison. I had to take care of him or her first.

I had made the wrong decisions so long ago. The decision to remain with Joel, pretend to love him, because I didn't wanna be alone. Because I was selfish. The decision to sleep with Paul, knowing full well the consequences of my actions. Falling in love with Paul. I had torn everyone's life apart.

Everyone's. Even mine. I felt selfish. I was selfish. I had only ever cared about me.

I would make it all up to Joel and Paul one day, but for now I had to do what was best for Short Stuff, and what was best was getting away from Joel and Paul and living on my own. Making my own decisions and not relying on my superheroes, anymore.

I got up and grabbed my keys and purse. I didn't feel like hearing Joel, not in his state of mind, so I called Benji's phone.

"Lucy! You know Joel's been worried sick."
"I know." I said plainly. "I'm coming over, tell Joel."
"Okay."

We hung up.

I didn't cry as I drove to Joel's house. I even called Paul and talked in an even tone. Paul's truck was in the driveway when I pulled in. I didn't sit and debate. I turned off the engine stuck my keys in my purse and went inside.

"Lucy?" Joel came to the door as I entered. "Where have you been?"

I saw Benji leaning against the back door frame, Paul was standing in the kitchen.

"Sit." I ordered, hanging my purse on the rack. "Both of you."

Benji kept himself busy in the kitchen as the rest of us sat in the living room. Once seated, I cleared my throat.

"I didn't go to the doctor."

They both watched me intently.

"I couldn't do it. I don't really wanna know, and that's selfish of me, but I don't care. I want both of you to be a part of this baby's life."
"But…" Joel started.
"No, Joel, no buts. I need to be on my own and both of you can see Short Stuff whenever you want."
"Lucy…" Joel tried to speak again.
"Joel, we can't be married. You know we can't." I looked over at Paul. "I can't be with you either."

Paul shut his eyes tightly and dropped his head to his chest, he nodded. Joel looked to be deep in thought. I cleared my throat again and both men gazed at me.

"I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. I know that I screwed up really bad and that it's never gonna be okay. I'm sorry. That I hurt you both of you. And I'm sorry I hurt my baby. I'm sorry I was afraid of the truth. But I do know the truth now."

Both Joel and Paul had their heads down.

"What is the truth, Lucy?" Paul asked somberly.
"Awful."