Part 5|Love Me, Just Leave Me
I never even thought about it. I thought it was just really good sex, but then why had I just said that? Did I LOVE him? love Paul?

"Fuck you!" Joel tore out of the door.

I stood with a look of shock and disgust across my face. Love him? I loved him? no. no I didn't I couldn’t. I…

Oh my God. I loved him.

Did this mean I didn't love Joel? What DID this mean?

"Short Stuff, one of your possible father's was right. Mommy's a moron."

I went upstairs. I found out why Joel was so sweaty in the extra room. he was assembling a crib. There was a lamp on the floor and the crib casted daunting shadows on the wall. I sat on the floor with my hands on my stomach.

"What am I doing?" I asked out loud. I didn't cry this time.

I did love Paul. The more I thought about it the truer it sounded. And I did love Joel. I did, didn't I? He was such a good man. He deserved someone who loved him the way he loved her. he deserved someone who didn't lie and cheat. That someone wasn't me. I was never good enough for him. Never. But he always told me how much he loved me always showed me.

When did I fall in love with Paul? When I slept with him the first time? Or was I in love before that? Did he love me? We'd never said that. Never once did we sigh into the heat of passion that we loved each other, not the way Joel did when he made love to me.

I swear that declaration came out of nowhere, but it wasn't like Joel was going to believe me. It wasn't like he was coming back.

"Ya know, Short Stuff, you're the only thing I've got. It's you and me!" I patted my stomach, if I could I would have kissed it.
***
"I love him."

That's all I heard over and over again. I shook my head trying to stop the tears. I could barely see the road.

Love him, love Paul, what about me? Didn't she love me?

Damn, Benji was right. And I knew, but everytime she lied to me I ignored it. I pretended that she wasn't lying that I was imagining it. I let the fantasy take hold, I let myself believe that I was paranoid. I wasn't paranoid, my wife was fucking one of best friends.

Paul, how could he do this to me? What an asshole? Did he love her too? Fucking a, this was terrible. What were we gonna do?

I pulled into Benji's driveway. Cash was barking in the backyard. Benji was gonna tell me to leave her. He was gonna tell me to divorce Lucy and sue for custody, that's IF the baby's even mine. I didn't want to hear that. No matter how angry and upset I was I wasn't ready to give up the one woman I really truly loved.

I knocked on the door.

"Benj, open up!" I yelled so they'd hear me.

There was no movement in the house, only Cash barking his head off. Damn it, the hospital, I suddenly remembered. Everybody was still at the hospital. Where was I supposed to go? Home? Was that a home? My wife had already made a broken home for my child.

Still, I wasn't going to go stay at a hotel and leave Lucy alone. Lucy was not a sane stable girl. I worried about her. All the time! She had absolutely no self esteem. None. It killed me sometimes, but I just wanted to protect her. Help her see what a truly wonderful person she is. I was beginning to think she wasn't as wonderful as I thought.

I got back in the car and drove home. I didn't feel like seeing Lucy again. But I didn't have a choice. Benji's was barely 5 minutes from my house. When I pulled into the driveway I just sat there for a few minutes.

Finally I went into the house and up the stairs. I saw light coming from the "baby's" room. I shut my eyes as I walked forward. I could hear Lucy.

"Can I tell you something? You're the only one who will listen."

Who was she talking to?

"Short Stuff," she sobbed. "I'm a bad person. And I'm disgusting. I hate myself. But Joel, he's a really great person and if he's your father than you can only be a good person. He's so sweet and he totally gives himself and I treated him like trash. He deserves better. He always did. And when you grow up you can hate me too."

Damn it, I wasn't supposed to feel bad for her.

"I don't hate you, Luce." I joined her.
"Yes you do. I don't deserve somebody like you. I don't even deserve Paul."

I cringed. Paul. Why, of all people, Paul? Why not someone who wasn't close to me. somebody I didn't know. Not one of my brothers.

"Do you really love him Lucy?" Don't answer, don't answer please don't answer.

She swallowed. "I think…I…I do…I think."

I closed my eyes and looked up. No this wasn't happening. This was a bad dream. A really bad dream.

"Joel?"
"What?" I kept facing the ceiling, eyes closed.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry?!" I snapped my eyes open. "SORRY?!!? For what, Lucy? For not loving me? For loving Paul? For getting yourself pregnant? I mean, what were you thinking? That it could go on forever? Really Luce."

She was crying.

"I'm sorry." She repeated.
"You should be." I was too hurt, too angry, to look at her.
"Joel, you have no idea how much I regret this."
"No, you don't. You don't regret it."
"Yes, I do."
"You regret having my baby…or Paul's?"
"No, but I regret everything else. Hurting you. Lying to you."

I didn't like this conversation. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

After a long awkward quiet minute, Lucy spoke.

"What happens now Joel?"
"Now? We go to bed."
"Bed?!"
"I can't do this right now. I can't talk to you right now. I need some sleep. So if you wanna take the bed, I'll…"
"Were not both in the bed?"
"I don't even wanna look at you, right now. So I'm sleeping in the guest room."
"No. I'll sleep there. You take your bed."

Lucy sulked off.

I went into the bedroom we had shared and shut the door behind me.
***
When I woke up I felt weird. This was a whole new world I was living in. Sleeping in an empty bed was not usual. The house seemed extremely quiet. Maybe Joel packed up his things and left as soon as I was asleep. If I were the hurt one, I'd do that.

I rolled out of bed sluggishly. I thought I heard something downstairs. Maybe Joel was here. Maybe he and Benji were sharpening knives

I went downstairs. He was here but he wasn't sharpening anything. He was just sitting at the dining room table drinking black coffee.

"Hi," I began cautiously. If he said 'hi' back then he was depressed. If he said 'fuck off' I'd know he was plotting my murder.

Joel said nothing. That was tricky option c. Too sad to speak? Too angry? A little of both.

I poured myself some orange juice without another word.

There was a knock on the door. Joel made no movement to suggest he acknowledged it. I put my glass down and went through the living room to the front door. I opened it and Paul was on the other side. I almost shut it on him.

"Get out of here." I hissed.
"Joel called me over."
"Joel?"

I turned around and Joel was standing in the archway leading to the den. He motioned for us both to follow. I moved slowly. I stood just before the doorway. Paul and Joel were already inside. This was crazy. How could I face them? Both of them!

"Lucy, get in here!" Joel ordered like I were his disobedient daughter.

I pushed myself through the entryway. Joel was sitting on the smaller of the two couches and Paul was in the arm chair. I sat on the large empty couch. The one I had laid on wrapped up in Joel's arms so many times. That would never happen again I realized then.

"Joel." I began.
"You can talk when I'm finished.." Joel said with a commanding tone he rarely used.

I shut up. Joel was hardly ever truly angry. Benji had always been angry enough for the both of them.

"This is all I've been able to think about. I couldn't even sleep last night. My wife." Joel choked on the words. "The woman I've loved more than any one person or thing and my best friend. You're just as much my brother as Benji is and you betrayed that brotherhood."

Paul looked at his hands.

"And you're both married people. You both stood before God and your family's and promised to honor and obey."

I knew he would bring God into this.

"That doesn't mean anything to you? You just…just…I don't understand. How could you tell me you love me and then fuck Paul? How could you tell me you love him? Who are you lying to?"

Paul was staring at me. I didn't meet either of their gazes.

"You…love me?" Paul gasped.
"You didn't even tell him?!"
"I hadn't even told me! I don't even know why I said that."
"Because it's true!" Joel yelled.
"Alright. Just calm down." Paul put his hand up at Joel.
"I'd like to see you cool and calm when you find out your wife's been fucking your best friend. When she's gotten herself pregnant. My life is falling apart. I thought I was happy and in love and about to be a father. But it's all a fucking lie!" Joel put his head in his hands. "My wife doesn't love me. I don’t have a marriage or a home and I might not even have a child. Benji was fucking right."

I stared at Joel.