Part 1|I'm Not OKAY
What was the truth? The truth was Lucy had no idea how she'd gotten into this situation. Well she knew how, she had sex with two men. What she didn't know was why. Why did she do it?

She was a happily married woman. Joel was her world. He was amazing, as a person, as a lover. She loved him, she did. She told herself all the time how much she loved him. But maybe she wasn't as happily married as she thought.

I mean, what had driven her to infidelity? Why did she cheat on Joel, with one of his best friends no less, with one of his bandmates? How could she do this to him after everything he's done for her? After all the shit they went through to be together.

Her parents and their adamant refusal to see their daughter marry some "musician scumbag." Her brothers threatening to beat Joel to a pulp that time Lucy had come home crying after she had Joel had their first real big argument and they had been living with each other for a month. It had almost been the end then, but they somehow made it through.

And now I do this. Lucy thought bitterly to herself. What's the matter with me?

She looked at herself disgustedly in the mirror.

Joel came up behind her and kissed her on the top of the head.

"Hey baby."
"Hey," Lucy said uneasily and picked up the brush in an attempt to tame the unruly mane of hers.
"You wanna go out and get something to eat.?" Joel asked.
"I'm not really feeling too good right now," it wasn't exactly a lie.

Joel put his hand on her forehead.

"Are you sick babe?"
"I'm just tired." Lucy shoved Joel's hand away.
"Fine." Joel said icily.
"Joel!"
"I'm being the concerned husband here and you don't want me to be. Fine, I won't be. I'M going out to eat."

Joel stormed down the hall and down the stairs.

"Baby!" Lucy called sweetly down to him. Joel stopped, "What?"

Lucy stood next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. She looked up at him.

"Can you bring me something back?"
Suddenly, Joel grinned. "Yeah."

He gently kissed her on the lips and went out the door. Lucy smiled at him as he walked away & shut the door behind her husband. Lucy leaned her back against the closed door and sobbed. How could she do this to him?
***
Paul smiled at me as he zipped his pants back up.

I grabbed my pack of cigarettes on the table beside the bed. I lit one up and Paul made a face. He grabbed the lit cigarette from my hand and out it out in the ashtray.

"Why do you still do that?" he growled.
"'Cause I want to. " I said and I grabbed the pack again.
"Oh, no you don't," Paul grabbed the whole pack.
"Paul!"

I followed him into the tiny bathroom as he sent all the remaining cigarettes down the toilet and flushed.

"Those were mine!" I yelled.
"They're disgusting."
"It's my body Paul. You aren't my father. AND," I added coldly, "You aren't my husband."
Paul made a face. "Yeah and you don't smoke in front of your 'husband', do you?"
"Well I guess we all keep secrets from out husbands and WIVES," I emphasized.
"What is with you?"
"Nothing."
"Yes, I think there is, Lucy."
"It's nothing alright, let it go."

I played with the diamond on my finger. Paul noticed. He glanced down at his own wedding band.

"We should knock this off," he said sullenly.
"Do you really want it to stop?"
"Do I want to stop lying to my wife and your husband? Yes. Do I wanna stop being with you? Luce, you know I don't, but, c'mon, we’re both married. Someone's bound to find out, sooner or later. I don't wanna hurt Anna if I can help it. I'm sure you don't wanna hurt Joel."
"We've said this before, Paul."
"Yeah, I know, but what are we supposed to do? Let this go on forever, these secret lives? Just stay married to other people and meet up at hotels once and a while to fuck…"
"Paul!?"
"What? That's what we do. That's all we are. We just have sex."
I nodded. "You're right."
"Course I'm right." Paul put his hand on his knees. "I've gotta get going ok, Anna wants me home early."

He leaned over to kiss me goodbye, but I pulled back. He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. And I acquiesced. We kissed long and hard, passionately. There had always been fire with Paul. He got up off the bed. He waved.

"Bye."
"Later." I said.

He shut the hotel room door behind him and I fell back onto the bed. I cried. God, not only was I cheating on my husband, which was a SIN. I was lying to Paul too. I was just a lying cheating whore, Lord strike me down where I stand.

Paul and I had been doing this for about 8 months. It started when they were on tour. I went along. Joel and I were just coming off the newlywed bliss. The sex didn't come as often as the fights did. Anna and Paul had been married longer and she hadn't come out on tour this time.

One night before the show, Joel and I got into a huge argument, about socks and my lack of homemaker qualities. In tears, I went to hideout on the bus. Paul had been in the back playing video games. At first he wanted to let me be alone, but I told him it was okay that he stayed. I told him about how Joel and I fought, how Benji egged him on (because Benji has never liked me. Wonder why, you slut). Paul was sympathetic. He told me not to worry about it and that Benji was a dick and that all couples go through that stuff "after the honeymoon's over". He told me how he once got into a huge argument with Anna about bacon.

"Lasted for days, weeks!"

Before I knew it I had kissed him and, what's more, he kissed me back. It wasn't really a conscience decision, but soon I was straddling him and unbuttoning his Dickies. We should have paid attention to that fact that we were in the open. Anybody could have walked in and seen us. anybody could have heard us, I'm sure. But nobody said anything and as far I could tell Benji, Billy, Chris or Joel had no idea.

After the first time, I'd felt awful, especially since I made up with Joel back at the hotel later that night. Still It wasn't too long before Paul and I ended up alone together and we ended up naked. Several times we had conversations about how guilty we were for having an affair and we'd stop for a while, but that never lasted and we would be back at a hotel.

I sat up and wiped my tears. How was I gonna get through this? I had to come clean, to Joel, to Paul, to Anna. Good God, Anna. She was such a sweet girl. She'd be devastated when she heard.

Suddenly my phone rang. I looked down at the screen. It was Joel. I sniffed up my tears and answered.

"Hello?"
"Were you crying?" he was in the car.
"No, stuffy nose." I lied, I couldn't stop, could I?
"Oh." He believed THAT? Good God. "Where are you?"
"I'm…shopping." No, Joel, I'm at the EZ-8, where I've just slept with your friend.
"Where?"

Jesus, stop asking questions.

"Borders. What do you want?"
"I can't call my wife once and a while and see what she's up to? Jesus!"
"I'm sorry." I was, for everything.
"Damn Lucy, what is your problem these days?"
"It's nothing. I just don't feel so good."
"Don't feel so good in the head. There is obviously something up with you. Why can't you just tell me, babe? Why won't you talk to me?"

Because you'll murder me, Paul too probably, and Benji will help.

"Joel can we talk about this later?" I mean, he did think I was talking to him from Borders, right?
"Will you talk to me?"
"Yes, later."
"Good. Uh, Benj called, were all going out tonight."

Joel's phone beeped. "Shit." I heard him whisper.

"And you just made this decision without me?"
"Cmon. Billy and Heidi just got engaged, we haven't even celebrated. We're all going out to dinner at Bellagio, 7 o'clock. You, me, Benji and Sasha, Chris, McKensie, Anna and Paul."

I shut my eyes, this was gonna be awful.

"Oh hey, can –ou cal- Pa-l though fo- -e? my phone- dyi-g, I thi—I –ee- to charge…"
"Joel?"

He was gone his cell phone had died. He never charges it.

Great, just great. I stuffed my thing scattered around the room into my purse. I quickly found Paul's cell in my phone book and pressed send. A few second later he picked up.

"Luce, I just left. You can't still be horny."
"It's not about that."
"Oh."
"Joel just called. We're all going out tonight. Bellagio. To celebrate Billy and Heidi."
"Okay. What time?"
"7. Look Paul…"
"I know how to keep my mouth shut." Paul said as if he could read my mind (sometimes I thought he did. Now being one of them.) "I'm hurting people too, Luce. Joel is one of my best friends. We're like brothers."

I whimpered.

"Lucy!" Paul was concerned. "Are you crying?"

I tried to stop but I couldn't the flood gates were open.

"Oh, Lucy, please don't cry."
"I'm a terrible person, Paul."
"Lucy, if you're terrible than what does that make me? we're both terrible cheaters together. Alright, we're both to blame for all of this."

I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see me.

"It's gonna be okay, alright? Don't cry anymore, please, Lucy, okay?"

I sniffed.

"Okay?"
"Okay." I said quietly.
"Good. I'll see you at 7, bye, Luce."
"Bye."