Alone,Together

~~~

"Ah…oh..y-yes…g-God…yeah, yeah…" "uhhhh…uh…aahhh…fuck…" Our breath and moans overlapped. Broken and uneven. I sighed loudly when I felt all the heat through latex between my legs. He rolled off and pushed his hips forward to pull the used rubber off. He didn't say anything. He didn't most nights and that always bugged me.

"Joel?" I rolled over and faced him.

"What's up?" He batted eyelashes over pretty brown eyes.

"Exactly!" I grinned.

"What?" he started to smile.

"Why don't you talk anymore?" I asked.

"Beth…"

"Joel?"

"I just…I don't know what to say anymore?"

"I love you doesn't sound good?"

He smirked. "Sorry, kid." He gently nudged my cheek. "I love you."

"Well I don't believe you!" I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Shall I prove it too you again?" He slid closer and kissed my bare shoulders.

I grinned and kissed him back.

"We're out of condoms." I explained. "Babe…Are you really okay with this?"

"With what?"

"The tour."

"Sure, babe."

"Cause, I mean, you don't really talk to me about it."

Joel was silent. I rolled my eyes then turned away. Thanks a lot Joel, I totally feel loved.

~

"Baby?" He reached from my hips in the darkness.

"Hmm?" I rolled around sleepily.

"I really miss having you here with me."

I smiled and rubbed his stubbly cheek.

"I know, I miss you too."

"I hate when you're out there alone. Without me."

"I know you do."

"Do you get really lonely, Jule?"

"Sometimes…" I muttered, hoping he didn't venture further into the 'loneliness' on the road topic.

"You can call me whenever, you know."

"I know baby, I know."

I rolled over to my side and caught the screen of my cell phone in my gaze. I had missed some calls but I knew better than to answer it now. Jason pulled my hips closer to his and held me. I sighed. This felt good this felt right. It was warm, home.

I hugged myself. This was what I needed. I needed to forget about the tour and the band and the money. I needed to forget about sex in hotel rooms and in dressing rooms. I needed to think about Jason. About what his arms felt like around me, what his lips felt like pressed to mine. About the way his words made me feel.

Cute innocent Jason. Big blue eyes, impossibly messy brown hair, sexy smile perforated by dimples. I loved him and he loved me. But he didn't know who I was. I was a rock star. I partied all night long, I drank I smoked. And I felt guilty about it, because Jason would be so disappointed. And I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to disappoint him.

~

"Sweetie, I…I miss you, already." I said into the phone furtively looking behind me for any signs of someone coming. "I know we were fighting, but…I wanna make it right ok, I'll see you in a few days, alright? Bye."

I knew she wasn't answering her phone, but I wanted to leave a message. Let her know I did care. I took a swig of my beer and looked out on the dying LA lights. It was a nice view. I cleared my phone history and dumped my bottle in the garbage in the kitchen. I scratched my bare belly and then my messy hair. I can't believe I slept with Beth again.

I promised I wasn't going to, but coming home, seeing her after being gone for 5 weeks. She's gonna know something's up if I didn't fuck her, act like her boyfriend. Because regardless of how things had been going I still WAS her boyfriend. She still lived in my house and slept in my bed when I wasn't here.

I couldn't believe I was doing any of this. I was such a bastard. I was going to hell if I made it through this alive.

~

She was really pretty in the morning. The sun filtered through the window and illuminated her face. Dark hair against pale skin. She was like…an angel. One day I'd marry her and we'd have beautiful children. I could imagine it all so clearly. I smiled to myself as I got out of bed.

I walked across the room and drew the curtains wide hoping she'd see the light and wake up. I went into the bathroom. I could hear her shifting on the bed. I really missed her here. Her smell, her touch. I kept myself busy with school, trying to forget I was missing her, but it didn't last long. It wasn't long before I was on the phone leaving her a zillion messages.

I was so proud of her. Out there living her dreams. But of course I missed her. I loved her. I was jealous of all the people she was sharing her time with instead of me, but I had to let her go. Let her do her thing then come home warm and safe to me. She was with my friends anyway, they'd take good care of my girlfriend.

"Jase?" she called sleepily. I heard her feet padding across the floor. She stopped in the doorway, her hair flopping over her eyes. She grinned.

"I'm hungry. Let's go get a bite"

"Let's make love instead." I suggested, wiggling my eyebrows.

She was tired when she got in last night and having her warm body next to me was fine, but I had needs. I had duties for her to fulfill. I pressed her to the wall, kissing her and letting my tongue explore her mouth.

"Nuh-no." she fought me away.

"Jule? What?" I was confused.

"I don't…I don't want to." She rejected me and pushed me to the opposite wall.

She turned her back on me, stumbling to the living room and grabbing a pack of cigarettes from her bag on the couch before heading outside onto the terrace. I followed her and watched her light up.

"Jule?"

"What?" she sneered. She could become so ugly, just like that. "I started smoking again. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Julia is something wrong?"

She sighed and took a long drag off her cigarette. She leaned on the rail and looked out on the streets surrounding below. She shook her head.

"Come on, Jules?" I leaned down to catch her eye.

"I don't wanna talk." She threw her almost finished cigarette off the balcony.

"JULIA!" I yelled when she went back into the apartment.

She sat down on the couch and sighed. I didn't know what to think. She never acted like this. She lied back and motioned to me. I kneeled to her.

"Jason…" she murmured.

"What's the matter, firefly?"

She smiled softly at me. she looked like she was on the verge of tears. I cupped her face in my hands.

"Make love to me J. Please." She begged. "Please." She began sobbing. I didn't understand what was going on as I kissed her and undressed her and took her, there on the couch.

~

"Hello, Joel's phone?"

Click. The line went dead in my hand. I didn't recognize the number. Maybe they misdialed. I shrugged and set it back on the counter.

"Joel, baby?"

"'Sup?" he called from upstairs through a wall of running water.

"I wanna go get something to eat." I was starving.

"Sure." He came down looking and smelling incredible. Was that axe? Mmmmm. "Where do you wanna go?"

"With you?" I grinned. "Anywhere."

He smiled and rubbed my cheek before he headed back upstairs to finish dressing. God I missed him. I hated when he was away, but he loved it. It was his dream wasn't it. I couldn't deny him. I had 'til Saturday to have him all to myself, that is if Benji doesn't steal him away for something.

It felt like lately we haven't been what we used to be. I didn't feel important to him anymore. He forgot to call me a lot, or didn't call back. That wasn't Joel. It wasn't my Joel. He used to call ME, I never had to leave him messages. Maybe he's just gotten too comfortable, maybe he's really stressed out. I don't know. Even the sex is weak. When I mean weak I mean WEAK. It felt so forced, ordinary, acted out and fake. I mean I faked it, I can't believe I did, but I did. I never had to before, not with Joel.

He came back with a hug grin on his face. I smiled back.

"Joely, I missed you."

"I missed you too, Bee."

"You haven't called me that in a while." A really long while.

"I haven't? I'm sorry." He hugged me.

I shut my eyes and hugged back. My baby.

~

Who am I kidding?

It's not like I can really be in love with two women at once. But am I really? Am I in love with Jule? I mean we kinda said we weren't going to be exclusive or together or anything real, just a fling, some sex, some kisses, some talking and holding hands and holding her body close to mine as the bus rattled through a hundred miles of endless nothing. All my friends, my brother, thought I was insane. How dare I? It was wrong. I was wrong, but when I was with her, when I talked with her, sat next to her, smelled her subtle perfume I was never wrong.

I shut my eyes tight remembering I was with Beth right now, no matter how much I thought about Jule, Bee, was my girlfriend. She was the love of my life. She was the woman who'd stood by me through thick and thin, kept me sane, told me I was good, meaningful, worth it. and I give it up for a piece of ass? I throw away practical marriage, 3 years, for Jule? I was so confused.

"Joely, are you alright?" Bee smiled.

"Uh huh." I nodded. But no I wasn't alright, I'm fucking around behind your back! I'm thinking about another woman as I sit with you and put my arm around your shoulder. I had sex with you while I make love to someone else.

I can't lie to her like this. She deserves to know. She deserves better than me. We used to joke about me banging groupies out on tour, but it was a joke. I never did or would, that was kinda Benji's thing, or it was before he got married. I was so in love with Bee, couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I am in love with her.

I love the way she calls and says "I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today Joely and it made me think about kindergarten. I think I wanna be a teacher or I want kids, love you." I love the way she's afraid of the dark. I wanna be here with her, protecting her, keeping her company, a good simple life. I want to marry her.

"Joely…" she stared at me. "Baby…I…I love you."

"I love you too, Bee. I really do." I leaned down and kissed her full on the lips, cupping her cheeks in my hands. "I really do."

~

God, would that stupid bitch quit picking up the phone. I need to talk to him. I just want to hear his voice.

"Hello, who the fuck is this?"

I hung up. Goddamn it.

"Jule?" Jason came into the kitchen. He didn't have a shirt on and instead of making me horny the way it used to I felt sick. Sick in the head and my stomach.

"I gotta meet with the guys tonight." I mentioned studying the cheerio's box. I smiled sadly, J loved cheerios with bananas.

"Oh, alright, when do you leave again?"

"Saturday."

"Such a short break."

"Yeah I know." I frowned, but internally…this was the longest break. "We just have to talk about some stuff, plans and stuff. I'm sorry baby."

"It's alright. Maybe we can have a late dinner?"

"Uh…yeah, maybe." I looked down at my watch. "Well actually, can we do an early dinner instead?"

"Ok, Jules, when?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah, sounds good, lemme get dressed." He squeezed my shoulders and kissed my cheek. He went back to the bedroom and went to the terrace, lighting up and dialing Joel's cell again.

"Hey, this is Joel, leave a message and I'll call ya back." BEEP

"I got your message, and I've called all morning, but it's always Beth. I miss you. Saturday seems far away. I think we really need to…"

"Jule, are you smoking again?"

"Bye j." I answered quickly and hung up.

What was I doing? Joel and I… that wasn't real. Not like Jason and I were real. I didn't make any promises to Joel. I was getting attached. That's why we fought, because we both knew this had to end. We had respective mates and we knew that in the beginning. I knew he was in love with Beth and he knew I loved Jason. We were just gonna fuck around. Just going to get the ya-ya's out. Let loose, party, but that wasn't happening and we knew it. We were falling in love and we had no right to.

I had no right to think about Saturday and J, when Jason stood behind me wanting to marry and woo me and give me everything, even if he didn't have it. I was such a fuck up. Jason was..my world. He's the one who took my away from the terrible little hovel. He showed me the world outside. Told me I was beautiful.

But now Joel is a whole new world. One where someone else actually understands how you hate living in poverty, but that you loved your family, regret not spending time with them, that you're really glad you grew up the way you did. Joel understood that. He understood it, because those were the things he told me, after he fucked me and loved me and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. This wasn't about sex though and I'm not sure it ever was. I liked the way he felt with me. The way he smelled and the way my body could meld into his. I loved how I felt all hazy and lightheaded around him.

I wished he were here right now, I wish the last words I said to him weren't "I can't do this." I wish a lot of things. I'm so angry with myself.

"Ju?" Jason asked.

"Huh?"

"Baby, you've been acting really funny."

"Have I? I'm sorry." I looked down at my hands and saw his cute little toes curling in his flip flops. I smiled and felt tears rolling down my face. "Jason…Jason I…"

I bawled. I was a terrible, terrible bad person.

~

I felt totally fucked up. Julia had always been the moody sort, the hard kinda girl. I knew why, I mean look where she grew up, but I took her away from that, showed her how beautiful the world was, how beautiful she was. But there was something wrong. She was never like this. Where was my laughing smiling girl. The one who jumped up and down and cabbaged patched around the room when her voice came out of the stereo. Where was she? My happy girl.

Maybe there was someone else. I'm not stupid. But if there was… Julia isn't the lying sort. She really honest, straight up, blunt even. All of a sudden she's…just…not. I felt like she was hiding from me the past 2 days. Avoiding me. She didn't want to touch or kiss me and even when I was making love to her on the couch, she didn't seem, satisfied.

Her mind was somewhere else and I knew it. I just knew it. I should be angry with her and I'm not. I should be yelling and throwing a fit and I'm not. But I felt like shit.

I took her to her favorite place in LA. Shangri-La. It was a kinda cool chic little place. It was 24 hours and I think that was the biggest draw for her. Julia loved the nighttime. It's when she came alive.

"Jason…" she looked up from her cheeseburger. "I'm…I'm really sorry."

"For what?" I poked at my fries, I didn't like the way this conversation sounded.

"For being a bitch the past two days, avoiding you." she suddenly looked down. "I didn't mean it. I'm kinda…I dunno, stressed, but I love you."

Bullshit, it all sounded like bullshit and lies. Sweet nothings. Stupid ugly white lies streaming from her lips. It made me wanna slap her and make a scene. I don't even know what was going on yet, but I just knew.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I got up and headed that way.

We didn't fight often. Maybe we weren't perfect. No one is, but everything felt so right all the time. I shrugged as I washed my hands. I looked at my reflection. I was being paranoid. Julia wouldn't do that to me. Maybe she was stressed just like she said. Being away from home, dealing with the pressures of stardom. I gotta be here for her now. Be her rock and guardian angel.

I went back to the table and smiled at her as I sat down. She smiled back. Thick red lips looking like strawberries. Mmmm, I wanted her…now.

I slid around the booth close to her. I nibbled on her ears and neck. Whispering naughty things in her ear. She blushed and bit her lip. She motioned to the door.

Within minutes we were paying the check and walking arm in arm back to the car. We crawled into the backseat and began making out. It felt like our first time. I was sitting and she was straddling me, kissing my neck and rubbing my arms. From across the car I could see her phone sitting in the cupholder, it flashed a missed call.

"OOO, somebody called you Jule." I teased as I maneuvered under her to grab it. She looked panicked, but I knew she was playing. It was probably her mom, it always was. I called for her messages.

"No, Jason, don't, please."

I grinned and laughed as I punched in her code.

"You have one new message and 2 saved messages."

"Please Jason!" she was really good. She should be an actress.

"First messages sent today at 4:36pm" I was all ready to mock her mother, when…"Hey, babe, it's me again, listen…I've been thinking a lot and there's a lot we need to talk about. I can't really talk right now, and I bet your with Jason at this very second, but…I'll see you Saturday night. I miss you, love you."

I just gawked at the phone and then at my girlfriend. She hung her head in shame.

"First Saved message sent yesterday at 3:37am: Sweetie, I…I miss you, already. I know we were fighting, but…I wanna make it right ok, I'll see you in a few days, alright? Bye."

Oh my God.

"You bitch." I yelled. "Get away from me."

"Jason!"

"NOW!"

"Next saved message sent Tuesday, June 15^th at 3:53pm: Babe, it's me, I'm really looking forward to Wednesday, when you get in. I'll be at the airport to pick you up. So look cute alright. I've missed you so much, Jule. See you in a little while baby!"