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Luke Warm Milk


Homeworld: Wisconsine

Species: Human

Gender: Male

Height: 1.72 meters (a lot shorter when he falls on the ground)

Weapon: Lightsaber, (he's rather harmless anyway, so it doesn't matter that much)

Vehicle: Jet-powered Power Wheels car

Affiliation: Rebel Alliance, Comedi Knights

Milk, Luke Warm

Every saga has a hero.....or a decent subsititute. Alas, DAIRY WARS: THE MOVIE has the best thing it can find (which isn't saying much) It is said the path of a Comedi is often difficult, filled with conflict and pain. (Mostly just pain.) Luke Warm Milk's life, which began as a simple sand farmer and saw him become a hero the galaxy never really knew about, is an amazing example of this. Luke spent his restless childhood on the backwater desert planet of Wisconsine, toiling away on his uncle's sand farm. His guardians, Mr. American Cheese and Mrs. Swiss Cheese, never told Luke of his true heritage. While Luke believed his father to have been a dairy products salesman, he never suspected that his father was once a famed Comedi Knight and incredible starpilot.

Luke was born during the chaos of the Really Really Big Space War, when the galaxy was overtaken by the Evil Dairy Empire. To escape the sinister clutches of his father, Dark Chocolate Milk.....I just gave that away, didn't I? Stupid, STUPID STUPID!!! Well, anyway, Luke was taken to live with Swiss and American Cheese while his.....oh, no you don't, I'm not going to tricked into saying anything about THAT.

On his uncle's sand farm, Luke learned the essentials of desert survival and droid repair. Boredom was more abundant than sand on Wisconsine (almost), and so Luke was stirred by more than just sand in his shorts. He often dreamed of adventure and excitement. He had a small circle of friends (at least, that's what he called them) who would loiter around town and do nothing. Luke never quite fit in with his friends (obviously); they often teased him and called him "Klutzy."

Luke often spoke of going of planet to seek adventure and a meaning to his otherwise insignificant life. Despite his dreams, Luke was not allowed to leave. His uncle needed Luke on the farm (as a scarecrow), and so when Luke's few friends went away to pursue careers at fast-food chains and gas stations, Luke was stranded on Wisconsine.

Luke's life changed when his uncle purchased a pair of used (an understatement) droids from Jawawa dealers visiting his homestead. The droids, R2% Milk and G-IC-U2, were Rebel property fleeing from the Dairy Empire. The Rebel droids led Luke on an crazy adventure, uniting him with Oldy Moldy Colby, a desert hermit, war hero, Comedi Knight, and overall nutcase.

As his uncle and aunt suddenly and inexplicably went insane, (and he had nothing better to do) Luke decided to follow Colby. The man taught Luke in the ways of the Comedi Knights and the Farce, ways for which Luke showed an affinity (sort of). Colby also gave Luke his fathers lightsaber.

Luke and Colby hired the smuggling duo of Hann Bond, Double O Solo, and his partner Achooey for transit off the planet. They were destined for Dunkin, to return the Rebel droids to their owner, Princess Cinnabun. They discovered Dunkin desecrated by the Imperial superweapon, the Death Cow, and were taken captive aboard the monstrous station. There, Luke discovered that Cinnabun was also held captive. A rescue was organized on short notice, and together our brave heroes (yeah, right) rescued the Princess and escaped from the dastardly Dark Chocolate Milk.

Due to a slight error on the part of Luke (believe me, it was REALLY DUMB), the adventurers had to make a short rest stop on the swamp planet of Revolvingdoor. There at Yoga and Lando's Zippy Mart and House of Spam (the latter of which Lando ate, by the way, so there's not really much point to it being in the name), Luke learned the ways of the Farce from Yoga the Comedi Master. Yoga honed Luke's Comedi abilities, and he discovered some of the great mysteries of the universe (which we're obviously NOT going to tell you NOW!). But, his training was cut short as Luke had to go rescue his friends who were lost in the forest. Little did Luke know that it was all an elaborate trap devised by Dark Chocolate Milk. (It was? Oh, yes, right, of course it was. Gotta keep the suspense.) Luke confronted Dark inside the Zippy Mart, and, vastly outnumbered, was forced to surrender.....

(OK, maybe that's exaggerated just a little bit to keep it interesting. All you really need to know is: Luke screws things up. A LOT.)


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