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Thursday, 17 June 2004

for what its worth
Living in pain and anguish wasn’t the way that she thought it would be. Her heart broken in to some many small pieces not by a lover or summer fling but that off her own blood, someone who was to love her till she died but no they did not. How could she go on, living in this life of such agony with no-one, no family or friends, just those who were they to “help” her, well that’s what they were supposed to do but she didn’t think they did.

She didn’t know why she had made that monstrosity on her once beautiful wrists, well she did and she tried to forget. She always told herself that one day all the pain would go away and she wouldn’t feel the need to take the knife to herself and she’d be free from the ever calling urge.

Those that were supposed to help said she wouldn’t be able to survive if it wasn’t for those tiny bliss enhancers but they were all wrong because they didn’t give bliss at all it was something more like misery. They couldn’t see it, they didn’t know what it was like to be treated like a child and always have to take some idiocy increasers to be considered mentally well. Did they ever think that maybe love might pull her from this eternal struggle with the irksome plague? All she wanted was to be loved and to love in return, although it seemed dim and that no one would be able to love someone so inept and unstable something deep inside her once vivacious soul, a voice told her to clasp to the concept of happiness and wait until love appeared upon her plate of life.

Some days she would feel over the horizon with ecstasy (yes, maybe the pills worked to well) and others she felt like her mind was going to explode from distress and shear insanity. She was told that she had an extreme case of something they called manic depression, which in her opinion wasn’t true because yes she did get depressed but she never got violent, or move exceptionally fast.

Today was one of her in-between days she felt good except she had to see her psychologist and he never made her feel like she was getting anywhere. He always said that she had to stop digging her own grave and instead try to see the best of her situation. She thinks it’s a waste of time because he says the same thing every time but apparently he is doing her good (like hell he’s just a sick, perverted man with some form of power).

Yes, she was a very negative person and why shouldn’t she be?? Something happened that day; it was heartening and somewhat luminous. There were about five new arrivals to the institute and she knew that it was her turn to get a roommate since the other one had been taken away to solitary. She liked to sit at the “praying” window and watch them get out of the bus so that’s what she did. As she was being inquisitive, one of the so-called “nurses”, interrupted because they “needed” to talk.

The nurse said that her new roommate was apparently a bisexual and they wanted to know if she would feel uncomfortable if they roomed. She answered by saying the she wasn’t shallow or a homophobe so it would be fine (all the while thinking “well, I’ve been known to bat for the other team so I’d love her to room with me you self involve and somewhat blind Neanderthal). The nurses didn’t know about her true sexual preference and it was best that way otherwise they would treat her more like an renegade than they already do.
After the little “talk” she decided to go back to her room and make sure that it was tidy for her new companion. She hoped that they could be friends because everyone else in the whole bloody (yes mind my language I’m told I’m blunt) institute was either a loner or a bitch. After tidying she sat on her bed and began to read, just to get that “oh I didn’t know you were coming” type of look.

When her new roommate walked in she was speechless. This girl was more beautiful than the angel that took souls from the globe to heaven, like no other she had ever seen. She had the deepest and entrancing blue eyes with sweeping auburn hair; standing about one-metre eighty and the most impeccable body so superior it would be a crime to even contemplate thinking about touching her. With the warmest smile the angel greeted her “ Hello, my name is Lauren, how you doing?” her voice sounded like the taste of peppermint (engaging and somewhat lovable). She completely froze but eventually managed to introduce herself without making an ass of herself.

She continued reading her book and then Lauren said that she thought she was exceedingly attractive. As you could imagine that she was thrilled when this was said and replied calmly “I think you are too” (and winked {what the hell was she thinking}). After their little confessions, they headed out to dinner, which was rather convenient because a long silence was on its way.

There was something about this Lauren that she couldn’t figure out, it wasn’t why she was in the institute or why she was so attractive all that made sense it was something hidden was like she already knew Lauren but she couldn’t link her to anything or anyone. Everything she did was almost familiar, like she’d seen it all before, she decided when they went back to their room she would investigate.

Firstly she asked if they had met and that’s when it all came out, straight out no guessing games, Lauren was almost as blunt as me. She said that they went to high school together except she went by her middle name (Mika) and was one of those who stayed well away from the social set. Her instant thinking was “OMG, you are and I always thought you were kinda hot!!!!” and then she said “ Well, we do know each other then don’t we because I remember you were in all my classes the whole way through.

All night long they talked and laughed about old teachers and what they didn’t know about each other’s past. She felt like they had known each other and was so ready to ask her the great question of love. Then she realised that ever since Lauren had arrived she hadn’t thought about being alone or been depressed. Maybe Lauren was the support that she had been looking for.

Over the next three days she felt truly happy within herself and it was incredible, they did everything it began to feel like she wasn’t in the institute anymore. Everyone wanted to know her and Lauren (finally the bitchyness was disappearing) and when it came to activity time she actually wanted to participate. On the fourth day she had to see psychologist, for once he didn’t stare at her breasts the whole time, he said that she had made real progress and that maybe she could decrease her dosage (number of milligrams in her pills). As much as she hated him she was glad that he thought she was making progress (one step closer to freedom).

During the afternoon, they were allowed out into the yard and Lauren was being herself getting everyone to be “active” and those who didn’t normally talk wouldn’t shut up. She thought it was so weird that Lauren was so cheerful and normal (in the real world type thing) it didn’t make sense why they were keeping her locked up but everyone has their reasons and no one should judge them.

Late that night Lauren got into her bed and asked her a question that she knew how to answer but wasn’t quite ready for. She said, “ I feel we are really connecting and as much as we’ve only jus kind of met, I really like you,” and she replied the following “ I have the same thoughts as you do and you make me feel alive and truly happy”. Then the actual question, Lauren asked her to be her only one but not in words but in a kiss that was so tender that she hardly felt it.

She couldn’t believe she was loved again. It didn’t happen to fast and although she regretted shredding her wrists to ribbons and afflicting over such obscenities, she knew it was her way of dealing with it. They began to converse not about things that was depressing or horrible but subjects like how the “nurses” are more insane than most of the patients and how perverted the psychologist was. They talked until she fell into the dark realms of her sub-conscious.

In the morning she woke to find Lauren sleeping peacefully in her own bed and the sun bursting through the small slit they like to call a window. She decided to get up and see who had ruined their rooms during the night (it gives the “nurses” something to do), it turned out that only the usuals had done it so nothing interesting. She went to the lounge room and turned on the television.

Cartoons, cartoons and more frigging cartoons,“ Well what do except it’s a Saturday and it’s only 7:30,”. The only good thing cartoons were good for are small children, when you are high or you have a disability, well that’s what she thought. She forced herself to pull away from the grasping cartoons and have a shower.

When she got into her room, Lauren was awake and greeted her with a hug that she never wanted to end but it did. Lauren was also going for a shower so they gathered their things and went to the block. The water was so cold that they scrapped that idea and went back to their rooms when they got there, one of the “nurses” was waiting for them and told Lauren she was to go to solitary after lunch. Lauren didn’t question or anything she must have known why.

They spent the whole time together from eight till twelve just talking and playing the occasional round of cards. When it was time to say good bye, she didn’t know it would be the last time they would ever converse or touch and if she’d know she would have never let go. They hugged and she told Lauren she loved her (although it was early days when you are in somewhere the institute time is irrelevant) then she left.

That night she went to bed in a very content and warm mood. She dreamt of being in the normal world having a job and living in the suburbs. It was the first time she had, had an actual dream instead of a nightmare and that must have been a good sign. She woke up once during the night and when she got back to sleep the nightmare continued.
When she woke in the morning she decided to write a letter to Lauren because she wasn’t sure how long she’d be in solitary and she had been allowed to have pens again so why not use them? She wrote asking why Lauren had been put in solitary and that she remembers when she went in that it was so cold they had to put her back in with the rest of them. Also wrote about normal things like how much Lauren made her happy and how she wished they could run away from the institute and live together somewhere nice and normal (normal isn’t a word I like to use but I’m going to anyway).

After writing her letter she took it straight to the pill administration (the only place the “nurses” give you attention unless you’re dying) but that’s when it all went sour. She asked if they could give the letter to Lauren but the answer was no. Lauren had gone into hypoglycaemic shock due to lack of insulin, it had turned out that she hadn’t been injecting properly.

This was all too much for her, she instantly thought Lauren was going to die (yes, a very negative little girl). She insisted that they let her see Lauren but the “nurses” said not until Lauren was better which meant she would be coming back to the institute anyway. After a lot of thinking and debating she gave up and decided to be patient.

Five days passed and then finally Lauren came back and she couldn’t keep her hands away from the love of her life. She told Lauren about how scared she was going to lose her and said she stayed strong because she wants to be more positive. Something else that was brought to they attention, the fact that Lauren was being let out of the institute in two days. The “nurses” said that it would be better for her to go something that caters more for her medical circumstance.

That night she thought about Lauren and the fact that she was leaving. She knew if Lauren left she’d find someone else and that wasn’t acceptable she had to do something before it was too late. What could she do to prevent Lauren from betraying her? What could she do to keep them together forever? She began to really worry that she’d be alone again that she went into a deep state of deliberation.

The next morning she got up really early, it was about five to be precise and at that time there is only one nurse about. “Perfect” she thought to herself and then she proceeded straight to the activity room. She looked around for a while making sure not to get noticed, then in finding what she needed went back to her room. Lauren was fast asleep when she arrived which is good because she wanted to remember her being beautiful and peaceful.

She got a paperclip and managed to lock the door from the inside and once she had tied that rope in a noose, she wrapped it around it the rafters. She took the knife from under her bed, the most striking piece of cutlery she had seen or attained (she keep in her mattress and because the “nurses” are so brainless they never found it).

She placed the knife on Lauren’s bedside table and put her music to the highest volume (it’s great having a sound proof room because no one wants to hear people screaming). Lauren woke almost immediately; she got up out of her bed and went straight over to her. She kissed Lauren then walked over to the bedside table.

As she picked up the knife, Lauren ran to the door and tried to open it but with it being locked she wasn’t going anywhere. She walked over to Lauren and yelled calmly “I’m only doing this because I love you”. Lauren turned around and begged her to change her mind “They could work it out “, she knew they couldn’t and she was going to fix the problem.

The knife plunged straight through Lauren’s heart and then again but this time it was in the lung. She started crying when she saw Lauren’s face like nothing she’d ever seen the darkest shade of betrayal. In an instant Lauren pushed her away she was really strong (must have been fear kicking in) and ran to her bed. Lauren picked up the bedside table and threw it at her; it didn’t even hurt when the piece of flimsy furniture hit her.

She leapt at Lauren and with one clean lunge put the knife straight through her throat. Lauren screamed like a banshee and dropped to the ground. She held Lauren in her arms until the air longer fell from her motionless lips. She placed the seraph on the floor and picked up the knife. She thought to herself “ You’re alone again” as that thought came into her mind she looked at the noose.

She pressed the knife against her scarred wrist and plummeted to the ground like a brick to water. She killed the only person who cared about her, the only person who dared to love her when the whole world had shunned her. She stared at the only good thing she had have in her life for about 5 years, gone and she had no one to blame except herself.

She extinguished innocent love’s existence without a reason just on an impulse of paranoia. She went into a deep reverie of cataclysmic melancholy. Nothing could be done to pull her from the condition of dread she had catapulted herself into. Torment and bewilderment set in and not even the devil could torture her more than what her subconscious was planning to do.

Maybe you are wandering how I know all this; oh did I mention she was a schizophrenic.










Posted by fang/toneck at 8:05 PM EADT
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Wednesday, 16 June 2004

random thoughts
When they handed out superpowers, the lonely god was first in line because the lonely god was the only one. the lonely god had no-one to consult to find which superpower might be the most worth having.

Fears eats people and. it turns into reason in their mind. When its hungry fear can eat as many people as there ever are. If you taste good to fear, fear will. The way fears it, from the inside out. Fear starts in the middle and doesn’t finish until it has eaten the whole mind and then it’s still not finished.

Posted by fang/toneck at 8:17 PM EADT
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its a take off of alias
Lauren sat by the counter in a bar in Barcelona, wearing slacks and a pale pink tank top, and her jacket slung over a nearby bar stool. She nursed a vodka cranberry, not really caring about her surroundings. Smoke lay over the room like a heavy fog, and a jazz band played on the small stage in the corner. Thinking of various ways of torturing Vaughn, Lauren wasn't even anywhere near content. He'd taken Sydney away from her, and Lauren hated him for that, for coming back, for being alive.

After he'd disappeared and was presumed dead, Lauren had been assigned to Sydney. Sydney had disliked it, but quite honestly, so had Lauren. It had often felt like banging against a wall, with Sydney refusing to give even an inch and Lauren not being any better. For months they'd kept on, until a sort of liking grew forth. After a mission to retrieve a videotape of a terrorist trade had gone horribly wrong, Lauren had to get her out, breaking down a door and shooting everyone in sight.

She supported a barely conscious Sydney out to the car, fleeing the scene. She'd taken them to a CIA safe house, parked the car in the garage and taken Syd in through the garage door.

After checking Sydney's cuts and deciding that they were for the most part harmless, she got Sydney to take a shower. She washed away the dried blood and dust clinging to her skin. After helping her dry her hair, she'd put Sydney in a bed with clean shirts, sitting at the edge, watching her fall asleep.

She was about to get up when Sydney's hand latched onto her wrist and kept her still. "Don't leave, please." Sydney whispered in a dust dry cracked voice, and that was the start of everything. The start of slow kisses in the back of movie theatres, far away from CIA cameras. Of stolen kisses and soft caresses when they though no one would see. Of whispered pleas, cries of pleasure and afterglow in the dark.

And it all ended when Weiss unbelievingly muttered "Vaughn is alive." The bastard.

She took a sip of her drink. Suddenly, she was pulled away from her memories as a husky voice spoke beside her, a hand resting against the small of her back. "Hello, Ms Reed." She was slightly startled but hit it well. Apparently though, not well enough. She she turnedto look into sparkling eyes, raised eyebrow and amused smirk curving Irina Derevko's lips. Irina took her glass from her, their fingers brushing.

Small jolts of electricity ran down Lauren's spine. Irina smiled conspiratorially as she took a sip, leaving dark red lipstick smudged on the glass next to Lauren's pale pink. Lauren watched her with an equally amused smile, turning to face her completely.

She wore a dark suit with a see through top and a black bra underneath, she looked nothing short of stunning, "You have very good taste, Ms Reed," pausing, she put her hand over Lauren's, and smiled again as she looked straight into piercing blue eyes.

"Aren't you going to buy me a drink?" Lauren laughed, and signaled for the bartender. Irina just smiled. She rested a hand on Lauren's knee, never breaking eye contact. Oh well. Lauren had always regarded herself as a rational person. And if she couldn't have the one she really wanted, then she'd negotiate herself to the next best thing.

Posted by fang/toneck at 8:15 PM EADT
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