She was beautiful… Dark brown hair down to her shoulders… She was out of my league… I knew it… so did my friends… she had no idea bout my desire for her… how much I longed to be with her… and no one, not even me, had no idea how far I was willing to go to be with her.

Her name was Nikki. With her beautiful silky brown hair, and sweet succulent, pouting lips; she was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She wasn’t the most popular girl in school or voted prom queen or most beautiful or anything. But to me, she couldn’t have been any more beautiful. She was like an angel, sweet, kind, fun, loving, I could go on forever. She stood at a height of about 5’4” and couldn’t have weighed more then 120 lbs. She wasn’t what you’d call busty in the chest or anything. She had great hips though and the ass was so beautiful. Ok she wasn’t that great looking, but she was all I wanted since I first laid eyes on her.

I can remember the day as if it was yesterday; she had on a pair of jeans that seemed like they were made just to fit her and no one else. She had a button down red and white plaid shirt with those little frilly things on the sleeves. I looked into her big beautiful blue eyes that were only made more beautiful by her eyelashes. Her stomach was showing with just the cutest amount of baby fat seeping through. She wore blue eye shadow with sparkles that seemed to catch every ray of sunlight. I was never one to believe in love at first sight, till I laid eyes on her. I was unaware of my surroundings or any of the people around me. I was so captivated by her beauty. I couldn’t move… my stomach cramped… but not a painful cramp… it felt good… like… butterflies. She was walking towards me. My hands and head started to sweat. Who was this girl? Where did she come from? She came up to me… I could feel every inch of me start to sweat. She spoke, but I couldn’t make out the words… they sounded as if they were sung and not spoken… as though each had there own melody. I was snapped out of my daze by my friend Naj who was working with me. I remembered where I was, I was at work, and she wanted to buy something. It was a CD from Thrice (a hot new hardcore punk band). I must have had a dumb look on my face cause she giggled at me and looked at me as if to ask “are you OK dude?” her friends gave me a look as if I were rather cute, I looked for the same look in her eyes but saw nothing. Kind of a downer but I rebounded and rang up her CD. I must have stuttered at least 100 times while she was there. I distinctively remember saying, “Would you like me with that.” Instead of “Would you like a protection plan with that?” I knew my face was beat red and Naj was laughing hysterically beside me. They left the store and I immediately turned to Naj (who was one of the more popular kids in school), he look at me and said “that’s Nikki Rudelo, and why would you want her?!? Even you could do better then that. Besides, she only dates the ‘intellectual’ types. She’s from Oakridge High, there is a few rumors bout why she transferred; one is cause some loon wouldn’t leave her alone or something, another is her parents died in a car wreck and she moved here to live with her grandparents, but no one is sure…” I turned to him, “That girl is beautiful. You might not see it but I do. She is fucking gorgeous, look at her!” his repent was “I am looking and there is nothing special about her! She’s Nikki Rudelo! But hey if you want her… Hey Nikki! Yo Nikki!” I could have killed Naj.

“What’s up Naj?” She sang to him with her beautiful voice. “Not much, yo my boy over here is tripping over ya. How bout you lay down some digits.” I was so embarrassed. “Well I’m really not looking right now, but I’m always willing to make a new friend” she put out her hand to shake mine. I was frozen, I couldn’t move. This was ridiculous, the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on and I’m too scared to move! What a wuss! “You have to pardon my boy; he’s a bit shy, and retarded. His name is Derek… but everyone calls him ‘tooty’” I was on the verge of murdering him. “Well it’s nice to make your acquaintance Derek. I’m Nikki this is Samantha and Alexis. Give me a call sometime Derek and maybe we can get together and hang out or something.” I was happy; I was so happy! I had still yet to move or say a word… but the anger towards Naj turned into joy. Nikki, Al, and Sam left the store, and as soon as they did, I leaped into Naj’s arms and gave him a huge hug! “I LOVE YOU MAN!” I belted out. Then I ran out the door and straight home (which didn’t make Naj to happy since he now had to close by himself).

I ran home (which isn’t far, it’s only like a mile or so). The entire way thinking of her. When I got home I ran upstairs not even paying attention to Uncle Chester. I opened the paper that I clenched tightly in my fist. There it was… her phone number. It read: Call me 453-8898 Love Nikki. I studied her handwriting and learned every curve on every letter. I stared at it for hours; not even realizing time was drifting away. When I finally looked outside the sun was coming up. “Was I up all night? Wow!” I thought to myself. I finally decided to catch some sleep, but I didn’t let the number out of my hand, kind of pathetic but; I slept with it. Finally Naj called me and woke me up; “Yo tooty get your lazy ass up! Its 2:30 in the afternoon!” I rolled out of bed and looked at him. “Dude you left me to close you prick! What the hell is up with that? You owe me!” he said smiling. “So what did she have to say?” “What you talking bout Naj?” “You called her right? I mean you were like a 4 year old that just got the hottest new toy yesterday. I figured you ran home and called her. Tell me you didn’t call her!” I turned my head away in a kind of shame. “You Pussy! That’s it were calling her right now!” he proceeded to pick up the phone and dial the number. I attempted to fight the phone out of his hand but of course he was much stronger then me. “Hello, is Nikki there? No? Well tell her Derek called. Thank you, Bye.” I was relieved that she wasn’t home. “Get dressed Nature boy, jeez man tighty-whiteys are out. Get sum boxers or free ball it, no wait better yet just get some boxers.” As he threw a pair of pants at me. “Come on man the concert starts in a little bit.” It had completely slipped my mind that we bought tickets to see Yellowcard at the E-center Concert Hall. It kind of surprised me because I had been looking forward to this concert for 2 months and in one night I forgot it. So off to the concert we went. Grindstone played awesome but for some reason my mind kept drifting to Nikki, every person looked like her or reminded me of her. I ran into my ex-girl friend, Jen, at the concert and apparently, I called her Nikki. Naj laughed at me and added “dude you are like hung on Nikki man! Just call her!” He proceeded to dial his cell phone; I didn’t even realize whom he was calling. “Hey Nikki! Yo its Naj, i'm here with Tooty and he said I should call you. What you want to say hi? Ok cool.” He turned to me “dude she wants to say hi.” I took the phone form his hands hesitantly and put it up to my ear. I was sweating like a pig, every pour was secreting sweat. I brought the phone to my ear slowly and began to stutter “H-H-Hello?” To my surprise there was no one on the line. I was pissed, so pissed I took his phone and threw it to the ground smashing it into pieces. “Dude that was my fucking phone!” “That wasn’t funny Naj!” “Well I thought it was until you smashed my damn phone!” he continued yelling at me but I was stuck in my own little world. Half of me was thinking about Nikki and her beautiful features the other half of me was trying to figure out why I smashed Naj’s phone. But then my thoughts started to totally shift to Nikki. Why was she so captivating to me? Why couldn’t I stop thinking about her? I don’t even remember going home that night because I was so focused on Nikki. Naj said I was pretty out of it all night and he thought it could be due to the stress of school starting back up because I was a little overzealous in the workload I took up. He could have been right, I mean school did start tomorrow and I did take all advanced courses. I slept like a baby that night.

The next day my Aunt woke me up for school. “First day Der better get going before you’re late.” It was getting late, it was already 8 o’clock and school starts at 8:15. “No biggy! I can still squeeze in 5 more minutes” I said to myself as I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. Of course there is no snooze button on a nagging aunt and needless to say, even with her constant nagging, I was late for my first day. Nothing new though I pretty much had the record for lateness’s last year. When I walked into my first class I saw her, rays of sun seemed to bounce of her hair. I went to sit next to her but all the nerdy kids had surrounded her, which was ok because I sat one row over and 2 seats back form her so I could admire her without drawing attention to myself. I noticed every little thing about her; every time a hair fell form her head, every smile, every giggle, I was completely mesmerized. I noticed she was doodling on a scrap piece of paper, bored out of her mind with the incoherent ramblings of the professor. The professor reminded me much of the teacher form “Peanuts” (you know “Blah blah blah blah” “yes mam” “blah blah” “yes”). The professor gave us a break while he set up the lab, so I snuck up to her desk and took her doodles. What may have seemed like random patterns and little hearts, was a look deep into her psyche, I took each heart and studied it profusely. I new every curve to each heart, the beginning and ending of each pencil stroke, every angle on every line.

The following 2 months were like that, I looked forward to that class just to see her. I took metal pictures of her each day or would sketch her on paper. I got rather good at sketching people. I took little things form her and added them to my collection of things. Pencils, pens, staples, doodles, notes, papers, etc. My collection grew quite extensive. I was running out of room so it was either relocate the collection or pack some of it away. So I put up a few floor boards in the attic and set up my collection there. But the pride of my collection was always the phone number, which I had yet to dial myself. I started to paint pictures of her, each one more beautiful then the last; but never even coming close to her true beauty (which frustrated me). I became self reliant and secluded. My aunt and uncle began to worry about me but I never let them in on what was going on. I saw Naj once every 2 weeks (compared to the once a day during the summer) I blamed it on my school schedule. No one had any idea what was going on, including me. And no one had any idea or insight into the events that were going to take place.

I finally decided to approach her, after viewing her from afar, it was time to move in. So I decided to talk to her during a class. We got along great, although I couldn’t help but get lost in her eyes. I finally began to talk to her, to get close to her. With each passing day we became closer and closer friends. But I didn’t want to be just friends I had to have her, but I had to keep my feelings inside, afraid that if the truth came out, I would loose the friendship I had struggled and tried so hard to get. We got so close that she told me about the guys she liked. Which tore me up inside, like a dagger through the heart, it gave me a feeling like there really was a whole in me that could never be filled. And when I saw her kiss another guy I had to leave, fore the anger that built up when I saw that was unbearable, I felt horrible seeing or even knowing that she was. The thought of another guy with her was enough to keep me from sleeping night after night. Every time she had a date or another guy she liked that she hung out with, I questioned her like I was a jealous husband and she was my supermodel wife. None-the-less we became close and talked, a lot. I remember the first conversation we had as if it were yesterday. It was Naj and his girl of the week and Nikki and myself and we went to the park (somehow Naj had talked Nikki into coming for me). So Naj and his chick (think her name was Debbie or something) went to go “mate” in the back of his car while me and Nikki went for a walk. “So how did you get a knick name like ‘Tooty’?” she asked me in her tender loving voice. I chuckled and responded “It’s not really ‘Tooty’ its 2-T. See when me and Naj where young some older guys were messing with us. They were chasing us around on their dirt bikes scaring the hell out of us. We ended up running into the woods where I tripped into a tick nest. They were picking ticks off me for about a week. So Naj and all our friends called me Tripz or Tix or even Tripz’n Tix, which of course every one is to lazy to say so it turned into 2-T… and inevitably ‘Tooty.’” My story made her laugh. Never had I heard such a beautiful laugh, it was like angels serenading me with a sweet song of love. “Yea, it was really funny till I was home for a week with lime disease.” Her laughter abruptly stopped. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh at you, it’s just funny” “Don’t worry bout it Nikki its cool, that’s in the past. Ok now that you know something about me, I have to ask you something I’ve been curious about; why aren’t you going to Oakridge?” She turned to me; her eyes seemed to shimmer in the moonlight. “Well I’m sure you heard the rumors about my parent’s dieing in a car crash… which is false, and the one about the loon, while my ex boyfriend could be considered ‘not all there’ he didn’t stalk me or anything... at least I don’t think” she said with a smile. “No I’m here because my dad had to move to Scandinavia for a year for some job or something, and quite frankly I like it here. The area is so beautiful, the landscape, the moonlight, the colors, the people, its all so beautiful.” “Where’s your mom?” I asked. Her face went from admiring the surrounding to a more blunt face as she slowly lowered her head. “She died when I was 10. She had meningitis, they couldn’t treat it. I was there the day she died, I’ll never forget it. She looked deep into my eyes and without a tear she said, ‘baby I love you, mommy is going to go away for a while but if you ever need me just pray, and I’ll be there. I’ll always be there, when you go to your prom, when you graduate, when you get married, I will be there. I’m so very proud of you Nikki. I love you…’ as she slipped into deaths gripe, she held my hand. I saw her eyes turn from hope… to blank.” A single tear fell down Nikki’s cheek. “My dad’s been a workaholic since. I think he finds comfort and peace while he’s working.” “I’m so sorry Nikki.” “It’s cool Tooty” she said playfully and with a smile. “So where’s your parents Derek?” my mind blanked for a second. It had been years since I even thought of my parents. “I live with my aunt and uncle. My mom died while giving birth to me, she was a hemophiliac and they needed to do a caesarian section when I was born. She bled to death on the operating room table. My dad blamed me for her death, apparently he use to neglect me as a child until I was taken from him. He was said to be ‘mentally unstable’ and was later committed. So since age 7 I’ve lived with my aunt and uncle. I don’t see him anymore; I used to visit until the doctors thought it was unsafe for me to see him. When I did visit him he used to call me a murder and a wretched spawn of death.” I chuckled at the memory, but Nikki saw no humor in it. “OK enough of this depressing bullshit lets go get Naj. You think he’s done bye now?” Nikki asked. “If I know Naj, he was done before they even started.” I said jokingly. I think it was because we had both experienced such horrid pain at such a young age that we got along so well. The common ties of lost parents and a hard life only seemed to strengthen our bond, and my love for her.

That night we went to her house. It had been the first time I had seen where she lived. It wasn’t much to look at; a one story rancher with a bunch of broken down cars scattered over the driveway and the one in the backyard. She later explained that her grandfather was a mechanic and had been meaning to get around to working on the cars but in his age, he just couldn’t do it by himself. At first I left the comment pass, but later I came up with an idea. I would use her grandfather’s passion for cars to get close to her, to see her everyday and fulfill the little part of every day that feels empty. The thought of seeing her everyday made me smile; her beautiful hair, smile and eyes, in my life… everyday. Of course I had to figure out how I was going to pull this feat off because I have absolutely no mechanical ability. Later I asked Naj what kind of car it was. After Naj harassed me a little, he told me it was a ’69 Olds 442. So that night I hit the books.

The next day in school I was completely exhausted. I had never pulled an all-nighter studying before, so I was exhausted. As I walked through my class, I noticed that everyone seemed a little tense. It wasn’t until I sat down that I realized the Midterm was today. “SHIT!” I yelled out. Everyone laughed, the teacher stared, and I turned red. Naj turned to me and said that he was going to copy off me because he was to busy “bumping nasties” last night to study and continued with, “besides it looks like you studied enough for the both of us.” I turned to him and said I didn’t study. Of course he didn’t believe me. Naj eagerly copied all the answers off me and I copied them off the foreign exchange student, Shaza, from Nigeria, damn was she ugly. This chick was darker then night, nice as hell and her accent was cool as hell, but I mean she was so fucking ugly! Her culture was awesome though. The men were able to marry many women if they wanted to. Which I used to think was awesome but then I realized that I’d rather sacrifice 100 beautiful wives if I could just get Nikki. Anyways, as soon as I was done the midterm I ran over to Nikki’s house and expressed interest in helping her grandfather fix up the car. He thought I was looking for a job and said that he could not pay me for my help. I had to come up with something quick before he went inside, so I told him I would do it for free because I loved cars. What I really meant is I would do it for free out of the love I had for his granddaughter.

A couple weeks passed and I gained the trust of the old man. I spent so much time over Nikki’s house that it became like a second home. I had to quit my job at the music store so that I would have more time to spend over Nikki’s. The car was coming along fine, as was my friendship with Nikki. While we worked on the car the old man and I usually developed a thirst. I always offered to run into the house to get something to drink; this of course was under false pretenses. Every time I would go in the house by myself I would go clepto on Nikki’s stuff, stealing everything from underwear to makeup, dresses and stuffed animals, even her shoes. But with all this theft I could not find the courage to get the one thing I wanted more then anything (besides her of course)…. her journal. I longed to see what it said; I spent my nights dreaming of what wonderful things she had wrote. I wanted to get inside of her head and see the world through her eyes. If I could only find it in myself to confiscate it.

Nikki and I started to get close and I was working up the balls to ask her to the dance. I took pictures of her all the time. I told her they were just for fun, but in reality I enlarged them and hung them in the attic. My picture collection grew to be quite extensive. I had shots of her dressed in a gown, in a bathing suit, pajamas, jeans, skirts, her dressed as a slob, her dressed as a guy, but no matter what she wore, she always looked beautiful to me. I began having weird urges with the stuff I stole form her room. I’d put on her undergarments and sit in the attic for hours, thinking of her. Sure, it was a little weird, but I looked at it as me getting to know how she feels and what she wants so that I can provide it for her. That night I dreamed of a possible future together.

The dream was marvelous. We woke up together in each other’s warm embrace just in time to watch the sun come up. We walked to the patio and watched another glorious day with each other start. And as we sat there cuddling, I looked into her eyes and mutter the words “I love you” which was met with a loving sigh and her tightening her grasp around my body. After the sun rose I went inside to make her breakfast. The dogs sat at our feet, as we eat, never taking our eye off each other. We then went upstairs and made love, long passionate love. And I would stop at nothing to fulfill her every sexual desire. It started with a backrub, and I slowly, tenderly lowered my hand to her hips. Then I nibbled on her ear and neck. She turned her head and looked deep into my eyes, as if she were making sure that my intentions where pure. I then bent in slowly and kissed her. Next thing I know I was messaging her breast and working my way down. I don’t think there was a spot on her body that I did not kiss down to the stomach. I gently removed her panties and continued kissing her until she was ready. She undid my boxers and I ever so slowly slid inside of her. She moaned and panted, which increased my drive. “Oh Derek” she panted, “harder Derek, harder.” The beauty of the act was unsurpassed by anything I had previously encountered. We became more aggressive, pumping harder and changing positions every so often. The touch of our silk sheets to our naked bodies just amplified our pleasure. The moaning and panting became more frequent and louder. We changed positions one more time, this final position was so awkward I don’t think anyone, not even ourselves, could duplicate it. The pants became moans; the moans, screams. In one final rush of sexual angst, we tightened our grip on each other and came at the same time. After the deed was done, we laid there for hours; sometimes talking, other times just sharing our thoughts and emotions with simple glares and minor gestures. The conversation then went into how we met and how I won her heart. She said, “Jeez, if it wasn’t for that, I probably would have never given you a serious chance. I’m so glad you…” that’s when I woke up, my cloths saturated.

The sound of Naj’s car horn rang outside my window. I looked at the time and realized I was late yet again. When we got to school out teacher handed out the tests we took a couple weeks ago. Naj was the first to receive the paper; “It seems that we have a couple cheaters in our midst students… Mr. Popularity receives a big fat 0 along with his accomplices, Derek and Shaza.” Mrs. Freemy, our dyke teacher, said. Shaza ran out of the room in tears while Naj took the more offensive approach. “You fucking dyke bitch, who do you think you are! I deserved better then this! You are nobody you cunt bitch! Fuck you!....” while I just sat there dazed by the beauty of Nikki. Sure, I was pissed off but running and crying wasn’t going to help me nor was arguing with the bitch. So instead, I found myself relieving the stress by staring at the girl I loved, who of course was staring at the guy making the commotion. I wanted her to stare at me, but how? How do I get her attention if Naj is making such a big commotion? Maybe it was the lack of sleep or maybe it was some pent up inner rage, but I stood up and walked up to the dyke. I must have had some kind of look in my eye or something because she beheld a look of such terror that I almost felt sorry for her. She backed up into the wall, the room went silent, all eyes on me. I clenched a fist and drew my arm back. A hundred things flashed through my head. The consequences and repercussions, the way Nikki would react, the way my aunt and uncle would react, etc. By this time, the teacher was crouched in the fetal position in the corner of the room. I lowered my fist and threw my exam at her. I then calmly walked out the door followed by Naj.

News flys pretty quick round school and has a tendency to be exaggerated. So by 7th period I was the kid who beat the shit out of Mrs. Freemy. Its not as if she was a well liked teacher or anything, but I kept getting glances from all over. People seemed to stop talking when they saw me. Their eye’s glued onto my every movement. Naj was loving the attention but I didn’t care for it. We walked to my 8th period class together where I was met by 2 armed police men, cuffs in hand. I was arrested to assault.

Well my aunt and uncle loved that one, but out of a deal made with the police, Mrs. Freemy, and the school board, I was to only be suspended for a week of course under the conditions that I was to never come within 100 feet of Mrs. Dyke.. I mean Mrs. Freemy and I had to go to a shrink for the next 3 months. Well the week off was kind of a blessing because it would give me more time to spend over Nikki’s, well at least that’s what I thought. Turns out another part of the deal was that I had to pull 1000 hours of community service. This sucked. I should have slugged the bitch when I had the chance. My anger was growing inside, then my anger peaked when I realized that if I couldn’t come within 100 feet of Mrs. Freemy then I was not going to be in the same class as Nikki. Something had to be done to teach that bitch a lesson. A lesson in why not to interfere with my love.

Naj was always a bad ass kid. Probably cause his pop was some hot shot in the local community. You know the type; never around, drives a sports car, cheats on his wife, misses birthdays, always off fucking some hot young secretary or something. So me and him were going to pull a little prank on the dyke. And it was happening tonight. The old grandfather clocked sounded in my house. Being grounded and all, I had to find a more unconventional way of getting out of my house because I couldn’t very well use the front door. So out the window I went and down the side of the house. I headed towards Naj’s.

He was already waiting outside for me when I arrived at his house. “Ready rookie?” he said. “Damn straight” I replied as we made out way cross town. The plan was rather straight forward. Go to her house, drill a hole in the top of her septic tank and stick a cherry bomb in the hole with an extended fuse so we had time to get the hell out of there. This would cause a horrible leak in her septic tank and would cost her a decent amount to get fixed. So we did it. Everything went exactly like we planed except for one thing that we didn’t count on…

The next day I happened to catch some of the news: “In the lighter side of the news today an elderly ladies septic tank ignites and destroys her back yard. This 37 foot sinkhole is the result of methane gases ignited from an unannounced source. Structural engineers have looked at the damage and suspect that the damage might have upset the ground that the house sits on, in which case cause the house to slowly sink. And in other news….” I reached for the phone to call Naj when the doorbell rang. I answered the door and two men walked through. “Derek. I am Detective Harpin and this is Detective Bogot, we’d like to ask you and your family some questions bout your whereabouts last night.” Right then my uncle walked in, “What the hell is going on here?” “I am Detective Harpin and this is my partner Detective Bogot. We’d like to ask you if you could vouch for young Derek’s location last night.” “Well jeez, I don’t have to.” He led them towards the front of the house and opened the security panel. “All the windows and all the doors are wired. If he did go out last night then we would be able to tell right here.” What my uncle didn’t know was that I cut the wire to my window so it wouldn’t register on the security panel. I did it along time ago because I have been grounded a couple times before. I’m not a bad kid, but I do have the same tendencies of ever kid. They stayed for a little bit talking with my uncle. They seemed to be nice guys. They told my uncle that old Mrs. Freemy called in a couple favors and had them to look into the events of last night because the cops suspected foul play. They said they would relay the information they gained tonight to the cops that where on the case, but the cops might still come bye to talk to us.

My punishment went bye slowly, each day I was tortured by not being able to see Nikki. Until one day she stopped bye. “Hey Der. How’s the punishment going?” “Sucks big time. I don’t get to see any of my friends. Its hell!” She laughed; I smiled at her laughter, her pearl white teeth showed and sparkled. Such a genuine laugh, not one of those fake laughs or those laughs that make you want to kill the person. “Hey Der, did you hear bout Mrs. Freemy’s house? She so deserved it, I mean after she lied about what happened that day and all… hey you weren’t really going to hit her where you?” I remember back to the day. How I wasn’t angry, I just wanted Nikki’s attention. But how far was I willing to go? I wondered myself but answered her with; “Na, I just wanted to scare the bitch.” “Alright Der I got to get out of here, I just wanted to stop bye and see how you are. I’m meeting Samantha and Alexis at the mall, we’re cruising for guys.” Her comment made my stomach turn. I was immediately jealous of all the men in the mall. Why couldn’t she cruise for me? I was right in front of her!

I finally got off punishment and went to the garage with the old man to work on the car. He did a lot of work on it while I was gone. I still wasn’t allowed back in school because of some restraining order shit that the bitch was trying to slap on me. But I didn’t mind because I got to go over Nikki’s house and steal more shit. The car was almost done it only needed a few more parts. The old man said he’d sell it to me for a low price since I helped him with it and if I promised him that I would help him restore the other cars. The car came out beautifully. It went from a ’69 piece of shit to a beautiful convertible 442 with a front air dam, flow-master exhaust, rear pozy-traction, and a whole bunch of other performance parts. It was beautiful, all we had to do was paint it. The old man told me I could choose the color since it was going to be my car. I chose white with a light gray stripe down the center. I convinced my parents to match the amount of money I paid for the car, so I have $2500 and they would give me another $2500. I gave the 5 grand to the old man and the title was signed over to me. The car was mine and I thought now that I drove a nice car that Nikki would like me more. Of course I was wrong. The only person that it impressed was Naj and the entire male senior class at school.

I was finally allowed to return to school. Old Mrs. Freemy quit her job “in fear for her life” and was moving. This was a good thing because now I got to stay in the class with Nikki. Time passed and the big dance was coming up. I was now working on asking Nikki to go with me. I imagined her in a beautiful gown all dolled up and beautiful. The thought of her aroused me and I was unable to stand for a little.

I continued helping the old man with cars and spending time with Nikki. The new car we were working on was an old Cuda. It was a nice car but I liked my car better. I finally gained enough nerve to get Nikki’s diary. So one day the old man asked me to get drinks. I said ok and went inside. Immediately I went to Nikki’s room and searched for the diary. I searched franticly for it, for it was not in its usual place. I tore her room apart, frustrated that I couldn’t find it. I searched her bookcase, her draws, even in between her mattresses. The room was a wreck and I lost track of time. I finally found the book and pocketed it when the old man walked in. He stood still at the doorway, with wide eyes and an astonished look on his face. I looked around; I caused a lot of havoc and damage to her room. His look went from astonished to pissed. He yelled at me, screaming at the top of his lungs. “You little fucking bastard! I trust you and you stab me in the back! How dare you! How dare you steal from me! What kind of freak are you! You little shit!...” I looked at myself; somewhere in my frustration, I pocketed a lot of stuff. I had a pair of Nikki’s underwear hanging out of my pocket and her lipstick (without the cap on) in my hand, and all over my shirt. I put the diary in my inside pocket when he wasn’t paying attention (because he was walking around the room, accessing the damage). “I’m sorry sir! I didn’t mean to upset you like this.” I pleaded my case. “Derek, my wife couldn’t bare children so we adopted…” he went off on a tangent, his tone calming… “...when Nikki came into my life I was overjoyed to have her around. Then you came into my life, a perfect gentleman and good friend. I’ve grown attached to you Derek… What you did here is just… I know you have taken an interest in Nikki…” How could he know? Was I that obvious? “…Look Derek, I need to ask you to stay away for a while until I can sort some stuff out. I mean the trust that I’ve had for you has just been shot to hell. I need things to cool down.” The old man stated. “What are you trying to say?” I asked already knowing the answer. “Derek, I’m asking you to stay away from me for a while… and that includes Nikki… at least until things cool down and I can think with a clear head. Right now I’m so furious with you the only thing that is keeping me from coming at you is the respect that I have built up for you over the past couple months.” My heart sank at the old mans words. “The trust that has been spoiled here is one that will not be regained easily. Right now I’m just really hurt and shocked; so we need to give it some time. Now I won’t tell Nikki what happened so that she won’t think down upon you or anything because I know that would just break you. But so help me god if I catch you even near her again… I will tell her the truth faster then a fat kid runs after the ice cream truck… Hell, I won’t even call the cops. All I ask is that you respect my wishes to stay away from Nikki, the garage, and myself for a while.” I was pissed and hurt, two emotions that don’t mix well. I held my anger back and walked towards him. The rage behind my eyes was more then I have ever experienced before. The idea of him trying to keep me from my love! He had to be punished. I walked by him stopping next to him, “Your going to regret this old man, I swear to god you will regret this. You will not keep me from her.” Things just got worse from here but at least I got to keep the diary.

That night I laid in the attic with my shrine and a pair of Nikki’s underwear caressing my body. I was reading the diary. It read like a well written book. Each letter written with beauty and each letter filled with her thoughts and emotions. I memorized each page. The beauty of her thoughts amazed me. I read one part of the diary repeatedly… a single phrase filled with truth, beauty, and love. It read, “We recognize love only because we know despair. Love is earned through hardships and troubled times. It is only through these troubles that we learn to love. And these troubles can only increase the love if it is meant to be…” it felt like that part was written specifically for me. I dreamed again only this time it was more… rough, not sensual and lacking the sense of chivalry that my other dreams possessed. I remember it clearly; I woke up in the morning with her naked body next to me. I moved into position and slowly stroked her breasts. She leaned towards me, groggy. I kissed her gently and she kissed me back. I continued to lean her towards me. I positioned my leg over hers and slowly inserted myself into her. I could tell it was too early in the morning but my emotions ran away like an unmanned Mack truck. A ton of emotions were propelling and thrusting into her. It got rougher and harder; she asked if I was ok, the look on her face was as if she was not enjoying herself. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t, all of my love and lust for her was coming out in this sensual act of defiance for her feelings and wishes. I began pumping harder and harder her looks of joy became looks of pain. She asked me to slow down and take it easy. Her wishes where not obeyed…. I flipped her on her stomach and placed myself in a position that I could still retain control over her and yet still finish. She began to cry for help and telling me to stop… I flipped her back over and her eyes where bleeding, her cries stopped, and her face paled. I got off her in fear and looked towards the bed. And immense amount of blood poured from the sheets. Her body lying there, lifeless. I ran out of the bedroom door and down the hall. I heard her voice echoing though my head, “What have you done to me? My beautiful face and skin, my future, OUR future. You’ve killed it. All the hopes and dreams you had for us, dead in an act of passion.” The voice seemed to get louder as I ran from the bedroom. I turned back around and the closed door of the bedroom began to bleed. The hall was long and seemed to have no ending, but I knew this house and knew that the stairs where just around the corner. The door began the creek and moan. I slowed and turned to look. It burst open as a wall of blood and body parts flowed down the hallway. I stood motionless unable to believe my eyes. The wall of blood hit me and 1000 memories flashed through my head; everything from my birth and the blood my mother spilt to Naj shagging that chick in his truck that night while me and Nikki walked through the woods. Images of my car on a cliff surrounded by darkness, worms covered in blood, Nikki and I dancing together, rope hanging from a tree, names carved on a big tree, and a gun flowed through my head. The flow of blood pushed me around the corner where I saw no steps, just darkness. The blood pushed me over the edge and I began to fall. The darkness turned red and a new voice spoke in my head, pounding, “You never paid me any attention, you never saw the love I had for you! Your blindness is what led you to death.” I turned and saw a dark figure outlined in blood… I woke up in a puddle of sweat to the sound of Naj knocking on my door. I was confused by this dream, so many things in that dream… contradicting each other.

I looked around, Nikki’s underwear were still caressing my body and the sound of Naj coming up the steps became louder. I covered the mural and through some pants on. “Hey man I haven’t been up here in a long time, still looks like shit. Why you crashing up hear? The smell in your room finally get to ya?” Did he see the shrine; did he see me in the panties? “Come on Der we gotta roll out or we are gonna be late for school. And what is with that stupid look on your face? Bad dream?” “Yea bro, I’ll be down in a minute man I got to get changed” “Man you don’t have time to get changed, we are going to be late. You know if I’m late again I will have to spend a Saturday morning with Mr. Yetting, and that’s not happening! Those pants look clean and unless you plan on going to the hospital or getting laid, I’m sure your underwear will do too. So here put on this shirt and let’s get the fuck out of here.” He threw me a shirt and grabbed my book bag. We walked down the stairs and I could feel myself sweating. I was so nervous.

We got to school on time but I could feel my palms sweating and it seemed like everyone was looking at me with suspicion. It felt so weird, not only the panties but also how I realized when every eye was focused on me. By 6th period I was comfortable in the panties, knowing that no one would find out. That’s when Naj came up to me with Brett (another one of the “popular” kids) “Hey bro you ready to whoop ass in gym? We gotta beat jerk’s team today in volleyball.” Brett said. “Yea Der you better not back out like you did last year; this is the only guaranteed way to get an A in Hertog’s class. That fucking dude is a volleyball nut!” Naj said. “I don’t know guys, I’m not feeling very well” I said as my nervousness began to return. “Dude you cant fucking back out this year! This is like the only class I’m doing good in and if you fuck us this year like you did last year I’m going to kick your ugly little ass up and down these halls.” Brett said. “And I’m going to help him this time Der.” Naj added. “Alright you fuckups I’ll play! Just leave me alone.” What the fuck was I going to do now? If I got caught in panties I would be ridiculed to the point where I would have to kill myself! 7th period ended and I was very nervous, I would have to get changed for gym without any of the other guys seeing me. It shouldn’t be too hard I can just go into the bathroom and change. I went to my locker to drop off my books. I closed my locker and to my surprise, Nikki was there. “Holy fuck Nikki! You scared the shit out of me!” I said. “Good, look I have to tell you something but first I have to ask you something. Why the hell is my grandfather telling me not to talk to you?” she asked. “Ummm” I stammered, “Creative differences, he wanted to go with a different part on the Cuda then I wanted to and we got into a huge fight.” I was satisfied with my explanation. “Hmmm, that’s wired he wouldn’t tell me that, he just said I wasn’t allowed to associate with you anymore. Didn’t say why. He can be really pigheaded sometimes so just give it some time and you’ll be allowed back over. But anyways guess what!” she said with excitement. “Do I want to know?” I said playfully. “Shut up Der. I just got a date to the dance! Craig Salendine asked me to go with him.” She stated not knowing the fury she caused inside of me. “And you said?” I knew the answer but I was desperately clinging to hope. “I said yes dumbass! Alright I got to go but isn’t that great news?” “Awesome.” I said trying to hide the pain inside. Just then, Shaza walked up to my locker. “Hey Der.” I could tell she was trying to spark a conversation with me but I was just too pissed off. I slammed my locker closed and walked away. I went right to gym, fighting back the tears the entire way. I grabbed my cloths out of the locker and started to get changed, forgetting about what I was trying to hide. My pants hit the floor and I remembered my horrid secret that I was trying to hide. Everything went into slow motion. I could feel the sweat pouring down my face as I looked around at people’s eyes and reached for my pants. It seemed to take an eternity to get my pants back around my hips. I then scanned the faces of the guys in the locker room. Looking for any sign that they knew my terrible secret, but none was found. I ran into the bathroom and quickly changed my pants. I tucked in my shirt so that if my shirt flew up, the panties would not be seen. We went out and set up for volleyball. This was it, a guaranteed A if we could win this game. Naj and Brett set up at the base of the net while me and Holly Chiefton (the local whore) set up at the edges. The other team set up and I saw my opponent for the first time. Craig Salendine was the captain of the opposing team. I could feel myself develop an evil smile. The rage inside of me was growing, Holly turned to me and said “Hey Der. Do you have a date for the dance yet? Cause you know I’m free and all.” “That’s nice Holly” not really hearing the words that came out of her mouth. “Fuck you Der.” she said. My attention didn’t brake; I was still focused on Craig. The game started and I played my heart out, we rotated a couple times and I was now up front, face to face with Craig. “Hey Der, your pretty good, ever think of joining my team outside of school?” Craig asked. By this time all the other volleyball games where done and the entire gym was watching us. I didn’t even realize the time that passed. We were playing well into 8th period and 8th period gym class also took up seats in the spectator section. All these eyes focused on me and my eyes focused only on Craig. The ball was served and volleyed back and forth, “Der Slam it!” Brett shouted as he set me up for a spike. This was it the moment I was waiting for, my chance to fuck up Craig’s pretty face. Craig went up to stuff the ball back down my throat but I expected this and adjusted the angle I would hit the ball so that it would fuck him up. He missed the block and, with all my strength behind it, I nailed the ball right into his face. He landed on the floor hard and not moving. “He’s out cold! Get the nurse! Game over!” Hertog began barking out orders. Brett, Naj, and Holly looked at me in amazement; all the spectators joined in the stare as well. “Dude what do you have against Craig man? He’s like a sweet dude that no one can hate! We all saw that you did that purposely.” Brett said. I thought for a minute then turned to him and sneered “It was the only way to get a guaranteed A.” Naj laughed along with Holly. Brett still stood there, dumbfounded. We went into the locker room to get changed. This time I didn’t forget to go into the bathroom. I was all changed and sure that I got away with it. I stood by the door waiting for Naj to get done changing. “Jeez Der I’ve never seen you get changed so quickly. Afraid we’re gonna see how small your pecker really is?” Naj said causing the entire locker room to laugh. “Yea man but no matter how small I am, you’ll be envying it!” I responded causing the laughter to be redirected. Naj wasn’t one to be laughed at and he had this stupid saying that what you do to him will come back 10 fold. “Lets find out” Naj said when my back was turned. I turned quickly to stop him for I knew what he was thinking. The slow-motion thing seemed to kick in again. I reached for my pants but Naj dove across the room and yanked them down. The force at which he yanked on them overwhelmed me. My pants slipped from my fingers and to the floor. The laughter stopped dead. I could see stairs of amazement and disbelief one everyone’s face. There I stood, pants around my ankles in a pair of Nikki’s panties. Just then Hertog walked in “Holy shit son!” he said as he threw me into his office. I could feel myself starting to cry. This was it, I knew I couldn’t live with myself after this. How could I possibly explain this?

I got to sit in the guidance counselor’s office until my uncle showed up. I wanted to die… Nikki was going to find out and I couldn’t do anything about it. She’d look at me as if I was some kind of sick fuck; much like the counselor was doing now. How I longed just to wipe that stupid fucking look off her face… I just sat there trying to figure out the most dignified way to kill myself. I couldn’t think of any dignified ways to do it… the only conclusion I came up with was to not wear Nikki’s panties when I do it (which was just an attempt at humor to make me laugh at the situation). My uncle showed up at the school, it felt like it took him an eternity. The counselor and my uncle had a nice long chat. I just sat there, still contemplating my demise. I got sent home… on the way my uncle was trying to say something. I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying because it felt like my ears were clogged. Only thoughts of death and suicide could I hear and they were making a lot of noise. When we got home I told him I was going to take a walk. I really did take a walk… a walk right to the gun shop…

I went to the gun shop looking for something to do me in with. I looked at the guns but then realized that there was a waiting period and all and I just couldn’t wait that long… I wouldn’t put myself through that much humiliation. I held one of the guns in my hand… as soon as the cold steal touched my skin I had a vision of my dream. The gun slipped from my fingers as I looked at it in fear. What was coming over me… it was just an unloaded gun! The guy yelled at me and told me that if I broke it I bought it… what a shit head “it’s made of steal so on the unlikely chance that I did break it…” I trailed off in my statement. He asked me to show him some id to make sure I wasn’t some punk kid “wasting his time”. He was asking for it… I wanted to take the gun load it and pop him one right in the face. But instead, I showed him my id and asked to look at the hunting knives. They beautiful steal shimmered in the remaining daylight. The devastating capabilities of the knife were masked by its beauty. I looked at the price tag… $150 for a fucking knife… it wasn’t too big, wasn’t too small, it was just perfect. I forked over the money and went home broke. The entire way home I was smiling, proud of my purchase. When I walked in the door my uncle asked how I was feeling and with a smile I said fine. I walked up to him and gave him a hug and told him I loved him and thanked him for understanding what I was going through (even though he had no idea what I was going through it was still nice of him to pretend that he did). I went upstairs and took a shower. The knife stayed close to me as I prepared myself. With a skip in my step and freshly dressed I went up to the attic. I marveled one last time at my mural. The kick in my step quickly dispersed as I looked into the eyes of Nikki’s photographs. My mind wandered for a little thinking of her and her smile. She was so beautiful that even in a photograph you could get lost in her eyes. Never the less I sat on the chair and straightened up. I wrote a letter to my aunt and uncle expressing how grateful I was and explaining why I had to do this. I knew no matter how hard I tried to explain the reason why, that he’d never truly understand my reasoning. As I sat on the chair, I looked out the octagon window, staring into nothing. I put the knife to my neck and applied pressure. This was it, all I had to do was drag it across my neck and it’d be all over; everything would be better… As I sat there images of Nikki, Naj, my father, my mother, my uncle, my aunt, Nikki’s grandfather, all the people I cared about; flashed through my head. A tear dropped form my eye. I began to cut my flesh. The pain was masked by the images of those I loved. I could feel the blade nearing the artery, once cut I would surely bleed to death. The phone rang, it startled me and caused me to cut deeper. Yet I didn’t stop to answer it, this was more important. The blade was on the edge of the artery, warm blood dripped from the wound that I had already inflicted. My uncle called up the steps “Derek phone call”. “I’m busy” I said with a tremor in my voice, a tremor that I was unsure of its roots. Could the tremor be caused from the physical pain or was it caused by the feeling that what I was doing was wrong. “It’s Nikki!” my uncle yelled. The blood soaked blade hit the floor. Like an angel sent by heaven she had called in just the nick of time. I ran to my room and grabbed the phone, the pain from the wound had set in. “Hello?” “Hey Derek its Nikki. I heard what happened and I think that was a great gag you played. So who was it?” “Who was what?” I said. “Who was it that dared you to do that? Naj told everyone that you did it out of a dare. So who dared you to do it?” she replied. Good old Naj, always covering my ass. I owed him one for this. “It was Heru, the exchange student. The bastard said that Americans didn’t have the balls to do anything and that we were to wrapped up in pride to even put ourselves in a situation that would hurt our pride. Of course I have to defend the American way!” I said as my blood dripped down my neck and shirt to the floor. I could feel myself getting hazy and lightheaded. “That’s hilarious Der. You showed that Jap. what Americans are made of! Hey look I have to ask you something… What happened in gym today? Why’d you nail Craig in the face?” She asked. “It was a complete accident.” I retorted. “Really? Samantha was there watching you guys and she said that it looked like you meant to nail him.” she responded. “Look I didn’t fucking mean to!” I lost my temper a little. I knew I’d regret that response later. “Alright Der calm down. Well I believe you and I’ll stick up for you. You do realize that you broke his nose right?” what Nikki said brought a smile to my face. “Sorry for snapping Nikki, been a hard day. Look I have to go.” I said. The wounds were reaching my maximum pain threshold. “Alright Der. Hey, you OK? You sound kind of hurt.” She said with concern. “Yea I’m fine thanks. Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I really got to go now. Bye!” I hung up the phone. The pain was unimaginable. I looked at the phone, the numbers were spinning and getting fuzzy. I dialed the only number that I knew by heart… “Naj man, I made a big mistake. Help me…” I said as I faded into nothing.

I woke up in the hospital, Naj standing over me. “Dude you ok? You gave me quite a scare there.” Naj said. “Thanks for covering my ass at school man” which was probably the wrong time to say that but it was the first thing that I could think of saying. “Alright I’m out of here, no one else knows about this except your uncle who is out in the lobby. I’ll see you around man.” I could tell Naj was in a rush for some reason. Had to have been important to run out on me like that. Probably going to go fuck some unlucky whore or something. The darkness overcame me once again. When I awoke again I saw my uncle by my side. I tried to turn to look at his face, but the pain was so bad I couldn’t. He arose and leaned over me. I had never seen my uncle cry until that day. A tear dropped from his eye onto my nighty (or whatever you call the stupid things they put you in at hospitals are called). The sight caused me to tear up, to see the pain that I had put him through. I felt a really bad sensation in my stomach, knowing that I caused those tears. He told me that everything was going to be ok and that this event would stay between us 3. I smiled and fell into darkness once again. I awoke again in the hospital, a new couseler talking to my uncle about the events that had unfolded. I could hear him explaining why he thought I had done what I did. The couseler sat next to my bed and asked me a bunch of dumb repetitive questions. She pissed me off. I was having violent thoughts about what I’d like to do to her. But I kept them to myself because I wanted to get out of there. I could smell death in the hospital. After a bunch of questions and a couple things for me to sign I was released to go home.

The car ride was silent. The tension in the air could be sensed from a mile away. I knew my uncle wanted to ask me a bunch of questions and have one of those stupid “man to man talks”. Of course any attempt he made at striking a conversation I shot down with a snyed remark. When we arrived home I went up to the attic to wallow in the beauty of the mural once again. When I got up the steps, I went into my room to check out my neck. The puddle of blood still lay on the floor. I turned and looked in the mirror, they gave me a good 13 staples. Why would they give me staples and not stiches? Instead of admiring at my lack of good looks in the mirror, I grabbed the phone and went up to the attic. As I reached the top of the steps I saw the knife, still blood soaked, on the floor. I got a bad vibe from the knife as I picked it up. I chipped the dry blood off the knife and put it in my room.

The next day I woke to the smell of eggs and bacon… my uncle cooked. What a treat considering he has never cooked for me in his life. He made enough for an army and we ate it all. I looked at his face, a pale complection and yet no sign of unrest. I never realized how happy it made me to see him smile until right then. After breakfast I decided to call Naj because we were going to be late for school and he had yet to arrive at my house. “Hey is Naj there? It’s Derek.” “Hey tooty, he’s right here hold on.” his little sister was in love with and had a major crush on me. “Yo Der.” Naj said in a kind of uneasy manner. “What’s up Naj? Look, before you say anything I have to tell you how grateful I am for you covering for me yesterday and for coming when I called. I’m sorry if I put ya through any strain” I stated. “Yeah, hey look Der your really freak me out. Between the underwear thing and the suicide attempt, I think you just fucking lost it man. As far as I’m concerned yesterday exhausted our friendship.” he said in a kind of uneasy manner. “What are you trying to say Naj?” “I’m saying that I can’t be friends with you anymore. I mean first you bail on me with the job then you’re a cross-dressing fruit and if that wasn’t enough; you try to cut yourself form ear to ear. I just don’t know you anymore man. You’ve changed.” “But Naj… you… you… you’ve been my bets friend since birth. How are you going to just drop me like that?” “With all the shit that’s happened the last couple days, it’ll be easy. Stay out of my life Derek. I mean it.” At this point in time I just lost it, the tears overtook me and I just lost it on the phone, “Fuck You Naj! Fuck you…”

I didn’t go to school because I just couldn’t fucking take it anymore. I mean look at me, I was on the edge and falling apart. I sat in my room all day sulking like a little pussy boy scout that just got kicked out by his friends. I sat and thought of the past year. All that had happened. I thought about what god had in store for me... I cleaned and sharpened my knife (even though it was brand new). I wondered about the future. The visions looked bleak…

After my day of sulking I went to school with my new look. Everyone called it the Frankenstein look. Naj already told everyone that I got into a bad car accident and had to go to the hospital. Even though he didn’t want to be friends, he still covered my ass. I wish he would have told me what his explanation of the staples in my neck was before I got to school. From what I gathered he told everyone that himself, Howard (a made up bad ass drunk/druggy), and myself went out for a night on the town. We ran into some random whores and fucked their brains out on the way home from the bar. Howard was getting a little frisky with the bitch on his lap and decided to drive while she was fucking him. This wasn’t such a good idea; Howard was apparently already high and drunk. Add a horny whore fucking him while he was driving and you have a recipe for disaster. Good old Naj always came up with the most elaborate stories. Anyways, Howard was driving and got into collision with a parked big rig. Needless to say, the whore Howard was fucking went through the windshield and a piece of her landed on the driver of the big rig’s lap. The other pieces of her decorated the grill of the big rig. The other two whores jetted before the cops came and Howard is now doing 40 – life for vehicular homicide. Of course Naj’s story was incredibly unbelievable but since he was the popular kid the dumb loud mouths that he told it to believed him, everyone took it as fact. Funny how my school works if you want something to get passed along quick and accepted as the truth all you had to do was tell the loud mouths (which in any other school would be called the gossip queens). They believe anything and everything you tell them. And when they pass it along I guess the people just think it was an exaggerated restatement of what really happen and to make that a better story they added their own shit into it, well you know how it goes.

Later that day I ran into Shaza (the overly dark exchange student). “Hey Derek.” “Yo Shaza, What’s happening?” “Nothing, just wondering if you found a date to the dance yet.” She said warmly. “Nope not going to go, the girl I wanted to take completely ditched me for some pretty boy prick. How bout you?” I said coldly to her. The look in her eyes was unforgettable. She was on the verge of tears and I didn’t know what I had done to cause this. “Nevermind” she said as she ran away. Later that day I caught up with her and told her that I was sorry and of course she asked me if I’d go with her. Out of pure pity, I said yes... This sucked not only do I have to go to a stupid dance with a stupid girl that I really can’t stand, but I also have to see the woman of my dreams swapping spit with that jerk Craig. I hate life and how it works out. I told her that I would pick her up at 9 even though the dance was only from 7-11. I figured that if I picked her up at 9, that by the time we got pictures and all that it’d be about 10 and then after we ate it’d be like 10:30 and that meant I only had to dance with her maybe once or twice or I could just fake an illness and sit all night. I know it was mean but hey, if you had to be seen with that creature, you’d do the same thing.

So the next week I spent getting ready for the stupid dance and all and I decided that one day I’d call Nikki because I missed her voice. Of course I didn’t get to talk to Nikki because the fucking geezer picked up. “Hello?” he said. “Hi is Nikki there?” I said, completely forgetting that he banned me from all contact with his granddaughter. “I thought I told your punk ass to stay away form her! I’m warning you son! Don’t fuck with me!” and then he hung up. Now I was already close to the edge but when he said what he said to me, I could feel myself snap. I had it… I hoped in my car and drove over to his house. I remembered I had talked to Nikki earlier in school and she told me that Samantha Alexis and her were going to go into the city to look for dresses for the dance. I drove to the old man’s house and got out of the car. I saw him under the hood of the Cuda. It looked like he was trying to fit the belt on. I walked over to the car; he couldn’t hear me with the radio on. I grabbed a hammer on my way towards him. When I was right behind him and poised to attack I realized something… I realized that he should feel the pain that he had put me through when he banned me from talking and seeing Nikki. I looked around for a minute and thought. Before I even realized it, I closed hood while he was still under it. I could hear the snap of his spine breaking under the tremendous force. He let out a cry of pain which was music to my ears. I went into the cabin of the car and started the motor. Next, I got out of the cabin and approached the hood. I lifted the hood to see the old man unable to move. His face beheld a look of unbearable pain. He looked at me with amazement. I returned his look with a psychotic glaze and a smile of enjoyment. I started to whisper into his ear, the car motor still running next to his head. “See what happens when you try to fuck with true love?” I whispered. His look still held amazement and pain. I started to stroke his head in a comforting way. My stroking became increasingly more violent until I ended up grabbing his hair… I pulled his head back and gave him a kiss on the check “Now you’re going to learn what pain really feels like!” I said as I slammed his head onto the burning hot engine block. I could hear his skin sizzling as he let out another cry of pain. He waved his arms around struggling to get free. The more he struggled the harder I pushed his head onto the block. The smell of melting flesh filled the air and it was such a sweet smell. I sniffed it vigorously. His struggles started to slow and I wasn’t quite done with him yet. I tried to take his head away from the block but it seemed that I had left it there too long. I had to peel his head off the block, leaving some of his facial skin sizzling on the block. He was still alive but barely. His face was mangled badly. I had burnt a whole through his check and gums. I looked back on the block to see several of his teeth cooking. I smiled at the sight, for some reason it brought me great joy to cause this man so much pain. Suddenly I wondered why. Why was I doing this? Did he really deserve this? All this pain, all this anguish? Suddenly those thoughts withered away as a new thought popped into my head; how was I going to finish him off? I looked around the garage. So many fun tools, so many ways to kill him. I could grind him down to a pulp with the sander and metal grinder or I could just fry his ass with the blow torch. All of these ways weren’t quite good enough for me. I wanted to be original. The old man still dangled over the front of the car and I looked at him, barely holding onto life. The question reentered my head; Why? The answer just seemed to reenergize me. The answer was easy; this was for Nikki and me, so that we could be together. I grabbed the electric drill and found some very long screws. I impaled his left and right hands with screws spreading them across the front of the car. Then I punctured the gas tank in the Cuda and doused him in kerosene (which he kept for the heater in the garage). I lit the match but then realized that this didn’t have any style to it. He hung from the car lifeless I made sure he was still awake and alive because I wasn’t done with him yet. The garage was blood soaked and smelt of a combination of combustible fluids and burnt flesh. I looked outside the garage and saw the old man’s car perfectly aligned with the garage. I smiled and looked at him, he looked up, exhausted and in pain. I went inside, grabbed his keys and started a pot of coffee. I went back outside and got into the old man’s car. I started up his old piece of shit and nailed the accelerator. The garage was closing fast, I could see the look of terror on the old man’s face just as I pinned him between both cars. Blood shot up from the car and all over the windshield. The front windshield of his Continental was covered in blood I watched captivated by the sight as an ear slowly slid down the windshield. I backed up his car and look at his corpse laying in pieces. His arms still dangling from the Cuda the rest of him, spread all over the garage. I pulled the Continental to the side of the garage and punctured the gas tank. I washed the blood of its windshield and unscrewed his hands from the front of the Cuda. Then I lit the blow torch… all the evidence against me went up in flames as I walked in the house to get my coffee.

I drank my cup of coffee and watched as the garage burnt to the ground. I thought to myself, “All the evidence against me, gone.” But a tear ran down my cheek. I was going to miss the old man. I mean he was a great old guy, so nice and caring. Anyways after I assured myself that the fire had destroyed all the evidence, I called the police. “There was a terrible accident! The old man is dead.” I said with real tears (which amazed me; that I could cause such a travesty and still feel bad about it). “Calm down son. Now where are you?” said the voice over the phone. The voice was reassuring and secure, almost like a doctor telling a 9 year old whose about to have her tonsils out that everything was going to be ok. I gave the lady on the other line the address and thought to myself how I’d like to meet this person. Little did I know that I was going to be meeting her shortly.

The cops came first, the fire department shortly after. The cops took one look at the crime scene and arrested me. They didn’t put me in handcuffs or anything but they definitely were not gentle when they threw me into the back of the squad car. The fire department put out the fire and the cops started to take pictures of the scene. I could see the coroner pull up in his van. The sight of the coroner kind of made me laugh because I thought of how many Ziploc bags they were going to need. But I did not smile incase someone was watching. The cop drove me down town before I could see anything else. “What’s your name kid?” he asked in an attempt to make light conversation. “M... M.. My name i… i… is Derek sir.” I stuttered back in reply. “Hey Derek, I’m officer Gregerov. Let me explain to you what is going to happen. First, we are going to need a statement as to what happened for our records and then we are going to need to ask you a couple specific questions about tonight’s events. Ok?” god, this guy was nice. “Yes sir, is the old man going to be ok?” it felt like an appropriate thing to ask the guy. “It doesn’t look good son. Hey, are you the Derek that got arrested for threatening old bag Freemy? I always hated that lady when I was in school.” this guy was so cool. “Yea that was me, I felt really bad about it afterwards.” I felt I needed to add that last part in to affirm my innocence. “You live with Chester right?” he asked. “Yea, why do you know him?” I asked continuing in the feeble attempt at small talk. “Yea I know him, we used to be partners.” The cop stated. “Uncle Chester used to be a cop?” I was amazed at this new development. “Yea he never told you that? We went through school and the academy together. It was only natural that we were partnered up. He took a bullet one day, some kid and some girl were at the point in the park and he went to go break it up. When he got there, he saw that the girl wasn’t there under her own will; the kid was raping her. Before he could reply the kid shot him in the upper thigh. Yeah he quit the force because everything around him was falling apart, his sister in-law died form her disease and his brother went in the nut hou…” he stopped in the middle of his sentence realizing what he was saying. “Hey maybe we shouldn’t talk about this right now, it doesn’t seem appropriate.” I was so intrigued with what Gregerov had said that I almost forgot why I was there. We arrived at the police station and I could here over the walkie-talkie that they were looking for Nikki. We got out of the car and I saw my uncle already standing outside the police station. He gave me a big hug. “You ok Derek? My god I heard what happened I’m so sorry.” I just stood there and let him hug me returning no emotion. My uncle then got up and turned to officer Gregerov. “Geoff” he said in a nice way. “Chester” Gregerov said in return. I could feel that there was a little tension between them, which puzzled me. They then smiled and hugged each other in a sympathetic manner. “Chester, you know we have to ask him a couple questions and get his statement. But we’ll get him out of here as quick as possible.” Gregerov said to my uncle. “Thanks Geoff. I appreciate it, he’s been through a lot already” My uncle replied. We went inside and I sat in a room with my uncle. He told me what they were going to do and why I was here, which was kind of what Officer Gregerov had already told me. I let him tell me again because it made him feel like he was a big deal. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a cop?” I cut off my uncle in the middle of one of his sentences. He sighed and replied, “Because with all that has happened in your life I didn’t think another story of how our society is shot to shit was what you needed.” “How come I never see you limping or anything?” I asked him. He chuckled half-heartedly and said, “Man, how much did Geoff tell you? I don’t limp because it wasn’t a major injury, I made a full recovery after 6 months of therapy. Anymore questions?” I shook my head no and looked towards the ground. In walked a child caseworker, I recognized her but couldn’t put my finger on where I knew her. “Hi Derek. I’m your caseworker. You might recognize me. You go to school with my daughter…” She was abruptly cut off by the door slamming open. “Derek, we have a couple of questions for you to answer. My name is Detective Verton.” He said in a strong tone. This guy scared me; he was about 6’3” and weighed close to 300lbs. “One; why were you at the house even though sources say you were banned from the house by the victim earlier?” this guy cut through the crap and got right to business. “I was there to make up with the old man. We had a disagreement about what to do with the Cuda. He wanted to make the car with all original parts from that year, where as I wanted to go in a more new-age direction because parts would be cheaper and it would look nicer.” You could hear the nervousness in my voice. “Ok. Why were you inside the house when the garage ignited and why did you move the Continental to the side of the garage 10 minutes before it exploded?” Wow, this guy was good I hadn’t thought that they could tell when I moved the car and when the garage exploded. I had to think fast. “Well I was in the house because after we patched our differences we started working on the car. I usually make him coffee or something like that to keep him warm. And as for your other question, the battery on the Cuda was old and decayed so we needed to jump start the car.” I impressed myself with that answer. “Ok then why weren’t the jumper cables out at the crime scene.” This one was easy to answer, “The old man was a stickler for putting things back so you could find them later. After we got the car started he told me to put them back. So I did.” Just then another cop walked in the door “Verton, we got the cause of the fire, seems that there was a leak in the gas tank, also traces of kerosene were found. He has a space heater for the garage; the origin of the kerosene was a can that was found knocked over on its side. The blaze was started by the blow torch. The kid is clean. It just looks like a freak accident. The only thing that is questionable is that the coroner said that the right and left palms of the hand had holes through them. Not much can be told though because the body is burnt to a crisp. This one is going to be a closed casket.” Detective Verton turned to me with an evil look, “Do you know anything about his hands?” I sat there… dumbfounded… I couldn’t come up with anything. “No sir… I noticed he had his hands wrapped in gaues when I got there... I didn’t assume anything” Detective Verton looked at me with an evil eye “Get out of here kid, but don’t leave town. I might have a couple more questions for you.” My uncle, the case worker, and myself got up and left. On the way out I spotted Detective Harpin and Detective Bogot looking at me suspiciously. Had they been following me all night? Had they seen what I did? I could feel my palms sweating. I thought feverishly about it and came to the conclusion that if they had been following me then they would have seen me and in that case I wouldn’t be walking towards the exit of the police station. Just as I came to that conclusion I heard a voice from behind me, “Derek.” My heart stopped. I turned to see who it was that was calling me. It was Officer Gregerov, “You forgot your coat and there is someone that would like to meet you.” I could feel my heart resume its normal functions. “Who?” I asked. “This is Cidy Cavanal, she is the one that took your 911 call.” “Hi Derek, I’m Officer Cavanal. I’m so sorry about your loss. Everything will work out in the end, I promise.” She was such a nice lady. She kept talking but I could smell something in the air, through all the dirt and grim and other pugnant smells. It was a familiar sent but it took me a second to grasp what it was… “Oh Derek” a crying Nikki rested her head on my shoulder; her perfume was the source of the familiar smell. “What happened?” she said. “I…I don’t know…” having her in my arms was like a dream. But even though I should have been ecstatic and overjoyed, I wasn’t. Seeing her in so much pain made me upset. I didn’t want to see such a beautiful person cry and in pain. I was angered at myself for doing this to her, I even contemplated bringing out the knife to finish the job when I got home. But I couldn’t, loosing me would just make things harder on her. I was too important to her. Officer Cavanal escorted Nikki from me into another room. I felt hate for Cavanal now that she lead my love away form me in her time of need. I wanted to get her. I caught myself in my twisted thoughts and couldn’t believe what I was saying... I was actually contemplating killing a cop for trying to comfort someone… had I lost my mind? Was I this far gone in insanity? This was not healthy. The Caseworker, my uncle and I continued towards the door, “Oh Derek” once again an unfamiliar voice called my name as we reached the door. This time I was not worried, for I thought I just left something else behind or someone else wanted to comfort me. I turned and Detective Bogot got in my face, “We have our eye on you, don’t think your going to get away with this.” My heart started pumping rapidly. I could feel it through my chest. The case worked stepped in at this point and said, “Are you threatening my client? Because if you are I’ll have you ass for harassment.” Man I loved this lady. “No mam we are not” Detective Harpin stepped in. “Good, now go make yourself useful and find a lost cat or something you wanna be’s, my client has been through enough without you getting in his face.” She turend to me and said “I’ll be in touch guys and if these priks give you any trouble, contact me.” She slipped us a card which I assumed had her number on it.

We arrived home. The car ride was silent. I knew my uncle was trying not to say anything in fear that an attempt to strike up a conversation would make me burst in tears. To be frank; I think I might have. When we got home I ran up to my room and jumped in bed. Tears poured from my eyes. “What have I done?” I asked myself as I buried my face in my pillow. I thought of all the good times me and the old man had together. The memories flooded in. I thought of all that he had taught me and all that he had said to me. How could I do what I just did? Was this real or all a bad dream? Would I awake in the morning to Naj’s voice? I spent the next couple hours trying to wake form this nightmare. The doorbell rang. I could hear a faint voice in the distance, “Hi Chester, is Derek here?” the voice was trembling and I could tell that the voice was fighting back tears. Through all of this I knew who it was. I hoped out of bed and into the bathroom to clean myself off. But why would this person stop bye in the middle of the night? I ran downstairs to see her standing in the doorway, her beautiful skin and features were lit up by the moons light. “Hi Nikki.” I said. “Hi Tooty” she replied trying to make herself laugh. “Chester is it ok if I stay here for a while. The cops told me I should go somewhere where I could feel comfortable. So I immediately thought of here.” It was weird, I never quite understood why everyone in the world could call my uncle by his first name except for me. It took a while for her comment to hit me. She felt comfortable here, with me. This had to be a sign, that everything I’ve done thus far was what needed to be done. “I mean until my father comes into town.” Nikki continued, fighting back the tears as she spoke. My aunt stepped in, “Of course you can dear. Your more then welcome in our home for as long as you need.” I loved my aunt. She went to comfort Nikki. My uncle took her bags and brought them up to my room. “Derek, your ok with this right?” my uncle asked. “Yes sir.” I answered. “Ok then help me take her bags to the attic.” he ordered. “No” I responded quickly. Now all I had to do was come up with an excuse. “The attic is drafty and dirty, she can have my room. She’ll be more comfortable there.” Wow that was a nice catch by me. “Ok, let us let Nikki decide where she wants to sleep.” My uncle said. We asked Nikki and of course I made the attic seem like the most horrid place in the world to sleep so of course she took my room. She gave me a hug and said that this is why she came here… to feel loved. Was this it? Was she secretly telling me that she shares the same longing for me as I do for her? We stayed up talking for a while after my aunt and uncle went to bed. We avoided the subject of her grandfather’s death. We laughed and played with each other until the early morning hours. We ended up in my room laying on the bed together in a head-to-toe position. We talked about everything. Everything from sex and love to death and hate. When we got to talking about death, we went silent… the couple minutes of silence was all that it took for sleep to overcome us…

I woke up into the night and stared at her… she was as beautiful in sleep as she was awake. She slept on her side curled up in a ball. I got tired of staring and went over moved to the top of the bed. I played with her hair… smelling it, twirling it, etc. Then I gave her a kiss on the cheek. From there I progressed to putting my arm around her. I coressed her stomach area. I had to feel her skin, so I lifted up her shirt slightly and rubbed her stomach more. I rubbed it with a gentle caring touch. Her skin was perfect, sliky smooth and untouched. Man did I love this girl. My emotions overcame me, my hand started to go down. I started to touch myself. There she laid and I was so close to being with her. My hand moved down farther, she still slept. My hand reached her tender spot and I took a last strive, thrusting my finger into her. She awoke in surprise. She startled me with her quick movements and I fell to the floor with a loud thud. “What the fuck do you think your doing?” she demanded to know. He eyes light up with rage. Her tone was loud and demanding. Even though she was pissed, she was still beautiful. I could come up with no explanation for my actions. I sat on the floor looking up at her, dumbfounded. “I’m sorry Nikki. It’s just that…” I caught myself. “You what you little perverted shit head? You like to fondle girls when they are in a time of need or after they experience a great loss! Is that it? HUH!?!” I could tell she wasn’t going to lay off until I told her. How I wish I kept my mouth shut or I could control my emotions. Better yet I wish I could just tell her. That was it. I had to tell her! I struggled to find the strength in myself to tell her. “Well? I’m waiting and it better be good, like a muscle spasm or something or I’m going to wake up your aunt and tell her.” She was getting angrier by the minute. “Nikki I love you… I have since the day I met you. I’m obsessed with you. The pain of living with you in my life and not having you is unbareable.” Had I really just said that or was it just my imagination? Nikki still looked pissed but she responded… “”Derek I came here tonight out of all the places I could have gone for one reason. Do you know what that reason is?” she didn’t even give me the time to answer “It’s because around you I can be myself. You don’t judge me and don’t care how I eat or what I wear. I do love you to Derek.” Right there I smiled. I could hear birds singing in my head. She was mine, to cherish forever! “Thank you god!” I said out-loud but I meant to say in my head. I reached over the bed to kiss her. Finally I got to have her sweet virgin lips on mine. I could already taste her lips and feel their warmth. This was it. I was so excited. She dodged my lunge to get my kiss. She backed away with a freaked out look on her face. “What’s wrong?” Her face went blank. She began to speak again, “No Derek. Your not getting me. Don’t you hear what I’m saying?” I was confused. She continued, “I don’t love you like that. I love you in a more platonic way.” I could feel my heart shatter. I felt as though my tears were made of blood. I couldn’t hide my tears or my emotions. I put my heart on the line and she completely destroyed it. It hurt so badly. “Look” she continued, “my dad comes in tomorrow, and I’ll probably move after this year to live with him. I’ll be a memory.” I was devastated I ran up to the attic. The tears were made of blood, and so was my sweat. Everything was bleeding. I saw nothing but red. The rain outside had turned to blood. It was a sign. A sign of what I must do if I ever wished to be with her. The blood drops hit the window. The sound was soothing but I had to much anger. I tore the mural apart, ripping everything with my bare hands. I punched a hole through the wall where my favorite picture of Nikki was. I couldn’t feel the pain of the impact, no, the only pain I felt was in my chest. The whole I punched began to bleed. Why so much blood? Where was it all coming from and why? I looked at the floor. It was spinning. Faster and faster; it was like looking at the top of a tornado of blood. I fell…

I lay on the attic floor for the rest of the night. I don’t know when I realized I was on the floor. But the walls and rain had stopped bleeding. I stared at the ceiling for hours. I didn’t want to get up. Everything had gone wrong. Everything went to shit. “It all started when I met her..” I said to myself clenching my teeth and feeling the rage build up inside. “I lost my job, my best friend, got arrested and charged with assault, and I even murdered for her. All for her, and I get no thanks. That ungrateful BITCH! If she never came in my life I would have been fine. I did everything for us. I quit my job to spend time with her, I failed numerous tests sitting up thinking of her, I learned how to fix a car, I got suspended form school, I lost all respect from my class mates, I even killed! All for us! I deserve her after all I’ve done!” The rage was at a peak. I lay for hours thinking about it. The more I thought the more I hated her. The more I hated her the more I wanted her. My want overcame me…

I must have been laying there for a couple hours. I didn’t get up until I heard the door open. It was her father, I could hear him asking for her and thanking my aunt and uncle for letting her stay. He asked to meet me but when I was called I didn’t respond. I finally stood up when I heard the goodbyes. Nikki didn’t even bother saying goodbye to me. I looked around at the chaos I caused. The attic was beyond repair. I went to the window to see Nikki get in her dad’s car and leave. I sat at the window staring, even after she left. I stood there until it was dinner time. “Derek you hungry?” my aunt called up the steps. “No” I replied sharply. “Dear you haven’t eaten all day, please eat something for me.” She pushed for me to eat. “Do you not speak english or are you just a fucking retard? I said ‘NO’ and no means that I won’t eat that shit you call food!” I snapped at her. “Derek, you apologize or you are out! Your aunt is trying to be nice!” My uncle stepped in attempting to take control of the situation. I could hear the anger in his voice. He continued yelling and when I did not respond, he came to get me. I could hear him climbing the steps. He got closer and closer. The footsteps were loud and meant to intimidate me. I wasn’t scared. All of a sudden the footsteps stopped… silence. I got scared and went to see what was wrong, I could sense something wasn’t right. It felt like I couldn’t run fast enough. When I got to the top of the steps I saw my uncle; holding his arm. He looked at me, I could feel my eyes watering. He mouthed something to me, at first I couldn’t make it out but then I realized what he was saying. “Take care of your aunt for me. You guys mean everything to me.” He fell backwards down the steps. I tried to reach for him but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t reach him. I heard something snap as he hit the bottom of the steps. I ran to his side. My aunt came out of the kitchen, dinner in hand, to see what was wrong. Her mouth dropped as did dinner. She immediately started crying and ran to my uncle’s side. There was no doubt in my mind… he was dead.

The corener came to take him away. They said it was a heart attack. I caused his heart attack. I sat there with a blank stare. Things were at there worst right now. My aunt came to me for comfort. I hugged her as she whispered something in my ear, “He adored you. You were his son that nature denied him. Your all I have left Derek. Please don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me.” “I have to call a friend” I said to my aunt. It was fairly obvious that I was trying to change the subject. “Why? What is up?” she asked. “I have to cancel for Friday.” “Why what is going on Friday?” my aunt was always curious. “That dance I told you about. You remember?” she was kind of getting a little senile. “Oh no! Your not canceling on your date. You have to go. It’s the gentleman thing to do. You know your uncle would not have let you skip out on a date.” She was right of course. My uncle was, above all, a gentleman. ‘Was’ it is kind of unsettling to use ‘was’ and my uncle’s name in a sentence. I miss him already. He was everything to me. There is that word ‘was’ again. I had to get this off my mind. Who could I turn to? My best friend doesn’t want to associate with me, my aunt is a wreck, and the one girl I thought I could trust completely, ditched me. My life was the ipidimy of hell.

I spent the next couple days moping around. The pit of my stomach felt like shit. I spent a lot of time driving my car around. I thought of him daily. I missed him so much I wish he was here to give me some guidance. I loved him. That’s two people I love that left me. One night I got my knife and headed towards the park. I went to the point and found a big oak tree. I sat there and carved “RIP Uncle Chester” in the tree. Under my uncle’s name I wrote “Nikki Forever” and finally I wrote my name in it “Derek”. I don’t know why but I had an urge to put it there, I guess it was to show that I was the one that carved the tree. I threw the knife in the backseat and drove on. That night I got home late. My aunt was already asleep and I stayed up to watch some TV. I started to doze off… but something horrifying happened. Every time I closed my eyes, I have a vision. I’ve had these visions before. They seemed so familiar

The day of the dance came upon me out of nowhere. In fact, it completely slipped my mind. I didn’t realize it until my aunt came up the steps screaming, “You’re late! You’re late!” “Late? Late for what?” I asked confused as all hell. “Late for the dance silly!” my aunt replied in a cheerful manner. “I really don’t feel like going… especially not with Shaza.” My aunt gave me a dirty look and evil eyes; I knew she didn’t find it funny, but I wasn’t kidding. Needless to say, my aunt dressed me and got me all ready to go. I looked at the clock; it was only 8:30. She was going to shove me out of the door early and I’d have to spend even more time with that thing. I got to Shaza’s house at about 9 (I took the long way). She was sitting there waiting for me. Her guardians didn’t seem too pleased but I could give a shit about them. Shaza seemed delighted to be in my company, but I hated having her on my arm like a leach. I took my time and actually did the speed limit (for once) on the way to get pictures taken. I started talking with Shaza, she was actually really cool. She told me about her country and all and I actually started warming up to her. I mean apart form the fact that she was hideous and all, she had a really good sense of humor. She laughed at all my jokes and we even had some fun while we were in line to get our pictures taken. I found myself actually having some fun. We got our pictures taken (which I refused to pay for because I didn’t want to remember this night and my hideous date). We left the photographers place and went to the dance. I took a bunch of long back roads to take up more time and to talk with Shaza.

We finally arrived at the dance at about 9:30. When I walked in, I was amazed to see people actually enjoying themselves. I guess I was the only one getting roped into going with someone I really didn’t want to. Shaza and I sat and ate dinner. After we were done eating I had to stall so I didn’t have to slow dance with her. I came up with the excuse that I had gas and I went to go sit in the bathroom. I knew it was only a temporary solution but hey every minute counted. I guess I sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes. I walked out and saw Shaza talking to 3 guys at our table. She had not moved from her seat while I went to the bathroom. I walked up to the table and the guys scattered. “What did they want?” I asked her. “They wanted to know where my date was and if I’d like to dance with them.” Her answer astounded me. I mean, to me this girl was the pure definition of ugly. Maybe they saw something in her that I had overlooked. Right then, like an act of god, I looked up to see in the distance… Nikki. She was wearing a beautiful tan strapless dress. She looked beautiful. And then I saw him… Craig. I was enraged with jealousy. “Hey Shaza I’m thirsty you want something to drink?” I didn’t quite hear her answer; in fact, I don’t think I gave her enough time to answer before I started walking away. I went to get drinks but I didn’t take my eyes off of Nikki. I don’t know if it was me not allowing myself to take my eyes off of her or if it was me just being captivated by her beauty. Whatever it was, I don’t think I even blinked. My eyes followed every movement that they made. But my eyes became distracted when something uncomfortable crossed my eyes. There they were, the two prick detectives, Harpin and Bogot. I walked up to them and shook their hands “Detectives” I said. “How you doing tonight Derek? You look awfully nice.” Wow a compliment from the stiffs. “What brings you guys here tonight?” I asked out of curiosity. They pointed to the corner where Mrs. Freemy sat. “She signed up for dance committee in the beginning of the year. She couldn’t find a replacement in time so she asked us to come to keep and eye on you Derek.” Detective Harpin said. “Well I’m flattered guys!” I said in a cenacle way. “Don’t be.” They said in a weird unison. I walked away with a smug smile on my face. Maybe it was my subconscious or maybe it was just and accident, but I heard someone call my name and when I turned to see who it was I ran into Nikki’s table knocking over a couple drinks. “Hey asshole, watch where you are going!” Craig said, not realizing it was me who ran into his table. “Oh hey Derek” Nikki said in a kind voice. Had she forgiven me for fondling her fun parts? I didn’t want to get my hopes up. “Hey Nikki. Relax Craig.” I said. “Look you little bastard you may have gotten me good on the volleyball court but don’t think you can get another cheap shot in on me and get away with it.” Craig was getting pushy. Now Craig wasn’t the strongest person in the school but he could easily whoop my ass. “Relax Craig!” Nikki snapped at him. Craig gave her a funky look and said “Shut up Nikki.” Then turned to me with the same face and said, “Bump into me again I dare you! I’ll be seeing you around shit head.” The rage inside was building up yet again. I got the punch and returned to Shaza. “What took you so long Derek?” she asked in a kind way. “I ran into someone I know.” I said trying to allude from the real reason. I gave her a drink, sat down next to her, and talked. I made sure when we sat that we were facing the door with our backs to the dance floor. We started to thumb wrestle to pass the time. We started really getting into it so much that during one round I kicked my chair back and hit someone behind us. I apologized, not even taking notice to who it was that I hit. That is, I didn’t take notice until “Hey you little shit! I warned you.” as I got shoved from behind. I turned swiftly to correct the mistaken party. When I turned I got shoved into the table knocking punch all over Shaza. She started crying but it didn’t faze me, for my eyes were burning. Here was Craig and there was no beauty around him. “Where’s your date Craig?” I asked. “None of your goddamn business you asshole. I never really liked you Derek and you just gave me a reason to pound your face in.” he brought his arm back to strike but just then. “Come on Craigy if you don’t hit him I’ll make it worth your while.” said a little hidden voice form behind Craig. It was Holly Chiefton the class slut. “Derek” said a little whimpering voice from behind me… “My… my… dress… it is ruined.” Shaza had punch all down the front of her silver dress. I turned to Alexis who was watching the entire thing and gave her a look as if to ask for her assistance. Alexis took a crying Shaza into the bathroom. As soon as the pair was out of sight, I went searching for Nikki. I found her on the balcony looking over the lake. The moon glimmered off the waves and illuminated her face. She was more beautiful then I had every seen her. She didn’t even turn to see whom it was and yet knew I was there. Her essence over took me and I feel into a trance, but in a good way. My memories were of all the good times we had together. “Hello Derek.” She said to me in a monotone voice that was filled with beauty. “Hello Nikki.” I responded in a tone that was unsure. “I heard about your uncle… I’m so sorry” her voice filled with compassion. She turned to look at me. Her eyes… so much beauty. A tear formed in her eye, and fell. Up until Nikki brought up my uncle, I had forgotten. The evening was fun and free of bad vibes until just now. “Yeah, I’m going to miss that guy. He was the only guy that I can actually admit I loved. Anyways, what is with the tear?” I asked. She looked at me as another tear fell form her eye, “Things just suck. I found out the Craig doesn’t really like me at all. He just wanted me to be his date so he could look good. As soon as he found out he could get laid by that slut Holly, I was out of the picture. Hey Derek you mind if we get out of here? I don’t feel like being here anymore.” “Sure! But do you want me bust Craig up some more before we leave?” I asked jokingly. She laughed and gave me a warm hug. I had to swing my hips back so I didn’t poke her (if you get my drift). I wiped the tear from her eye, her eyes filled yet again, only this time they filed with compassion. “I’m sorry I overreacted the other night Derek. You mean a lot to me. You’re truly my best friend.” Her statement was so cute that I felt sick to my stomach, or was that butterflies? Perhaps gas from the dinner. We walked out of the dance… completely leaving our dates behind.

We got in my car and started to drive. I could feel my emotions for her coming back. All the anger I felt towards her dissipated. We drove for a while finally coming to the point at the park. There were no cars there yet because all the people were still at the dance. We got out of the car, sat on a bench near the edge of the cliff, and talked. “My life sucks right now, I mean my grandfather died, my date ditched me, what else could go wrong? The only good thing that has happened to me in a while is that I got to see my dad.” I nodded and smiled at her, thinking to myself that she didn’t know the definition of “things gone wrong”. “Look Nikki, people pass on, I’ve had to accept that in order for me to deal with loosing my uncle. As for your ‘date’ if that’s what you want to call that pathetic excuse for a guy, he’s a dick and will probably end up impregnating Holly tonight. You should be glad it’s not you. Besides look where tonight led you; here, with me. She looked deep into my eyes and leaned in. We kissed. Her soft tender lips touched mine. I could feel the sparks. It felt like time had stopped. Like the world held it’s breathe while we kissed. The sounds of the crickets and birds were drowned out. Her lips… how I longed for this… the emotions were unbelievable. For once I felt a love that I had never felt before. She pulled from my lips slowly and smiled. “I’m sorry Derek. I wanted to do that for so long. I could never do it until now… Derek I have something I have to tell you…” a long pause was prelude to her statement. “Derek… I… I… I think I’m falling in love with… you.” My heart skipped a beat. I felt… I felt… BUBBLY! What a wonderful feeling to be loved. Nothing could go wrong now. I heard what I wanted to hear. She spoke the words I could never speak. The feeling of love was mutual. The joy was overwhelming. I didn’t respond to what she said, but as soon as I got my bearings I leaned in for another kiss. It was met with her landing a soft kiss on my lips. We stood up, our lips still locked, and headed for the car. We got in the same side of the car and laid back on the seat. She reached into my pants and started to stroke my shit. I returned her action by caressing her breasts. I kissed her neck tenderly and nibbled on her ear. She then unzipped my pants. “Nikki I’ve loved you since the day I met you.” I told her in the moment of passion. She exposed me. I reached up her dress and started to pleasure her. Her stockings ended up around her ankles followed closely by her panties. I started to feel around her. I felt the need to say something. So I recited the only thing I could think of… I whispered into her ear, softly. “We recognize love only because we know despair. Love is earned through hardships and troubled times. It is only through these troubles that we learn to love. And these troubles can only increase the love if it is meant to be…” She paused for a second and looked at me. “We are meant to be, Nikki.” I finished my thought. At this point in time she pushed away from me and pulled up her panties and stockings. “Where did you hear that Derek?” she asked assertively. “Hear what?” I responded not realizing what was wrong. “Derek please don’t fuck with me. Where did you hear that?” she was growing impatient. I’ve never heard her curse, and mean it, before nor have I ever seen her this angry. “I read it from your diary.” My honesty to her surprised me. I couldn’t seem to lie to her. “You?!?! It was you that stole all my stuff? And the panties you got caught wearing in school… they were mine too huh? There was no bet was there?” she continued, growing steadily more aggravated. “What kind of fucking freak are you? I thought you were different. I fooled myself into thinking that you were a decent human being... a nice guy! Man was I wrong.” She opened the door and started to get out… I grabbed her arm and pulled her in for a kiss. She denied my kiss and slapped me. “Fuck you Derek.” I could hear her voice trembling as she fought back tears. I was angered. I lost control of myself…

In a fit of sexual angst, I grabbed her arm again and turned her towards me. I must have had a look of fury in my eyes because her face beheld a look of pure terror. I’ve never seen anyone so scared. I threw her on the seat and reclined it. The old car had nice reclining seats; they went back all the way to 180 degrees. I pinned her down with my body weight and began to kiss her. She resisted by clenching her teeth. I sat up and in a fit of rage, backhanded her. Her face jerked to the right. I didn’t think I hit her that hard but when she faced me again she was bleeding profusely through the mouth. The blood did not matter to me. I went to kiss her again, this time I was met with even more opposition. She struggled. Either she was very strong or her adrenaline kicked in. I struggled to keep her subdued. I grabbed franticly to find something that I could use as a weapon to combat her struggles. My hand found its way to something cold, hard, and steal… the knife. I grabbed the knife and quickly brought it to her throat. Her opposition to my advances stopped almost immediately. She began to cry. Her tears fell from her face and to the seat; but they didn’t have any effect on me. I slowly moved my hand down the front of her dress. I got underneath her dress and used her leg as a guide to her crotch. When my hand arrived at its destination, I ripped her panties from around her waist. I then began to prepare myself to penetrate her once again. She did not oppose me. This was the way it was supposed to be… I slid myself between her thighs… the warmth, the passion… it was beautiful. She cried out… begging for help, begging me to stop. I did not hear her cries. I kissed her… harder and harder… she bit my lip causing me to bleed. The blood running down my lip only caused me to go faster and stronger. The pain was invigorating. During the sensual act, I brought the knife down to her stomach. Her loins oozed of juices… their texture that of spit. I rubbed the knife around her stomach in a gentle manner. I looked at her face; my actions seemed to instill fear in her. I moved the knife back up her body and applied pressure. I made a small incision from her chest to her stomach. I could hear the pain in her cries. My lips locked with hers. She kissed me back; she must have thought that I cut her cause she wasn’t cooperating. I slid the knife into her stomach slowly… painfully. I kissed her harder. I saw her eyes… they bore no fear. They looked almost like that of acceptance. Her cries of pain stopped. She looked deep into my eyes, I could feel her looking for a reason. I let my eyes do the talking. At that moment I think she knew. As if my eyes had told her everything that I had done to keep her close to me. It was if she finally understood… I slid the knife deeper and deeper. I could feel her mouth filling with blood. I could taste the blood… and I liked it. The taste made me kiss her harder. My mouth filled with her blood. I desperately needed air but didn’t want to stop kissing her. I was at the apex… I came inside of her now lifeless body.

I lay there… on top of Nikki’s motionless body; resting my head in a puddle of her blood and vomit. I couldn’t recall her vomiting but I understood why she would have; I mean the pain must have been unbearable. I couldn’t smell the puke or anything and it didn’t really bother me. I don’t think it really hit me yet… the caliber of what I had just done. I raped and killed the only girl I’ve ever loved. I sat up and looked around. Everything was covered in blood. My suit was red, my windows were covered in red, my seat… everything. I pulled the knife out of her stomach and looked at it. “This knife was supposed to take MY life!” I cried out. Just then, a faint cry came from Nikki’s battered body, “Derek, I understand… finish Derek, you must fini…” her voice trailed into the darkness. Knife in hand, I got out of the car and looked at her. Even in her condition, she was beautiful. I knew what she wanted… I leaned over her body and put he knife to her throat. I cut… deep. The blood spewed from her throat, putting a second coat of red on the interior of my car. My face was sprayed in red. I liked around my lips… the taste of blood. I got out of my car and collapsed. I balled up and cried. I thought back to what my dad said to me… he told me that I was a murder… he was right. I had to kill myself… how could I possibly live with myself after doing something like this… I put the knife to my throat. Feeling the cold hard steel against my neck was a familiar feeling. If only I had done this before then she wouldn’t be lying there… dead. I reached deep down inside to find the strength to do it. I looked over to the open car door for inspiration. Blood dripped to the ground… my love’s blood, on the dirt. I t began to rain and lightning. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill myself. I threw the knife away from me and lay on the ground. I sobbed. I glanced at the tree line that was no more then 30 feet away. A bolt of lighting illuminated a silhouette of a figure. I could hear it… I could hear the figure speak to me. I couldn’t quite understand what was being said. When I finally understood it, I didn’t believe what was being said… “You killed me Derek…”

“Who are you?” I asked the figure still hidden in the shadows. The figure looked so familiar. A feeling of dejavu overcame me... “You’re so blind Derek. You didn’t see how much you meant to me. You were oblivious to the love I had for you.” I saw a glimmer in the shadowy figure’s hand as the sky was lit by another bolt of lightning. Was this the ghost of my beloved Nikki come back form the grave to extract revenge? Could it possibly be… was this the way I was to go out? “Who are you?” I repeated. “Does it really matter? You never saw me before… why would I expect you to see me now?” I looked to the ground and saw the knife… I could grab it… it was within reach… “Derek I was nothing but nice to you… I loved you… and in return you neglected me.” I could see the knife… I could reach it. I looked over to the car and saw Nikki’s leg hanging out of the side of the car. The blood dripped down her leg and to the cold ground. “Who are you!?!?” I repeated my question more assertively then before. “Does it really matter Derek? Does it matter what a faceless person’s name is?” I took into consideration her question… “I’ve finally come to the realization that I can never have you. All that I’ve done for you… and you didn’t see it, not once. You didn’t realize all of my sacrifices… all done for you… my love… my Derek. But you don’t care do you? You’re blinded by your apparent love for Nikki.” I finally realized where I had seen the figure before… my nightmare. The voice… I recognized the voice… “Tell me who you are!” I demanded of the shadowy figure. “I saw what you did to Nikki, Derek… I’m glad you killed her… It leaves no competition for our love to grow.” The figure seemed to tighten its grip on the glimmering object in its hand. “What love you twisted fuck? I don’t even know who you are!” I had lost my patience with this sick fuck. “You want to know who I am, Derek? Does it really matter that much… FINE!” The figure stepped forward… The moon shined through the darkened clouds to reveal who was behind the shadows… I gasped at the sight of the figure… I looked in her hand… a gun.

She walked form the shadows… her dress still stained. “You?” I said in surprise. “You loved me? You’re… You’re…” “I’m what? Black? From a different country?” She retorted. “Shaza…” I said not finding the right words. “Derek you are such an asshole.” She pulled the hammer back on the gun. “What are you going to do?” I could hear my voice trembling in fear. “I saw you that night Derek… the night you killed… I was there. I felt the passion that drove you. If only you would have directed that passion towards me.” A tear of frustration fell from her cheek. “You saw me?” I was surprised because I thought I got away with it without any witnesses. “You didn’t turn me in?” “No, I couldn’t bare to not see you everyday... I was there when your uncle died to…” her statement enraged me. My lip started to tremble as I held back. “I've been with you since I’ve met you… I know about the underwear to. Where they comfortable? Did you enjoy it?” she was trying to antagonize me. “Yes.” I replied smugly “it felt great. You know if you kill me you’ll go to jail…” my statement seemed to spark something in her. With an attitude she responded “You know killing Nikki earned you the electric chair… besides look over there.” I didn’t bother to look. “See unlike some people, Derek, I have the willpower to kill myself. Yes, I saw u struggling to slit your throat… for the second time.” what was she trying to do? “So kill me you bitch! I have no reason to live… I’ve killed my life. But before you pull the trigger, realize…” I don’t quite know what I meant when I told her to realize. I think I just didn’t want her to fuck up her life, as I did. “So what are you going to do?” I asked her. Shaza looked confused for a minute. She paused for a while. Time passed slowly here… it was only about 2 minutes but it felt like an eternity. I could tell when she figured out what she was going to do because the look of anger returned to her face. “I’ll leave that up to you Derek…” “What the fuck does that mean Shaza?” “It means that I can kill you now and put all this misery behind you and you can rot in hell forever or you can help me clean up this mess to make it look like she killed herself. Now realize that if I help you, you must do something for me…” I knew what she wanted and didn’t have to ask. “You know as well as I do that we can never be together Shaza and we can never get away with what happened to Nikki.” Her head slouched as she came to the realization that my words spoke true. “I know Derek, but I had to give you a chance.” Shaza spoke softly. I continued my thought, “There’s no way we could make it look like Nikki killed herself nor would I want to. I still hold her deep in my heart.” “Still blind…” she said softly. “Forever blind” I responded. She raised the gun… Her hand trembled…

“I can’t do it… I have to have you Derek.” Shaza cried out… “You said you have the balls to do it… where is this strength you spoke of?” her legs buckled form under her as she landed in the mud. “Now your dress is really ruined…” I said sarcastically. “Yea my mom’s going to kill me.” She responded. “No she’s not. You will.” I said. “Derek please be with me! I beg you…” she pleaded on her hands and knees. I paused for a moment and thought about life with Shaza… but the future wasn’t there. “I can never be with you Shaza…” I finally said. “Then no one shall have you.” We got to our feet and looked at each other. “No date is finished without a kiss…” she said in a way that made it sound like she was requesting it. We came close to each other and closed our eyes. We kissed each other. Her tender lips serenaded me much like Nikki did. I pictured Nikki… I was once again kissing her… in my mind I was kissing Nikki on an open meadow with birds singing and a cool spring breeze blowing through the sky. We stopped kissing, my eyes still closed I hugged her. “I love you Nikki…” I whispered into her ear. I received no response. When I finally opened my eyes I saw a drenched Shaza looking at me with anger. The next thing I heard was the hammer of the gun hitting the steal…

I fell to my knees. I couldn’t really feel any pain. I looked up at Shaza, tears poured down her face. Almost like she couldn’t believe what she had done. Like she believed she could pull the trigger and nothing would happen. I felt sorry for her. I heard her mutter something… I heard her mutter something… “You never paid me any attention, you never saw the love I had for you! Your blindness is what led you to death.” The sky grew darker… I fell to the ground my head lying in a puddle of mud. I saw worms coming up from the dirt to bask in the rain… they were dancing… in my blood. My eyes wondered to the tree line. I saw a rope hanging from a tree… Shaza dropped the gun in front of me and walked towards the rope… my eyes wondered more… finally landing on the tree where I carved the names in it… my mind wondered a little… dejavu… my dream… I read what I could of the carving…

“Today the small town of Shangburgh was rocked by a double homicide. Shazaquen Tyreeth, a foreign exchange student from Nigeria was charged with the homicide of former Oakridge resident Nikki Rudelo and Shangburgh’s own Derek ‘Tooty’ Harpet. Shazaquen was caught by Detectives Harpin and Bogot in a failed attempt to hang herself from this tree. Coincidently, on the tree next to this, you can see carvings thought to have been made by Derek not long before this tragedy. Shazaquen is to be charged as an adult in an American court. The African Consulate is debating this decision as Shazaquen’s parent’s are being flown in. More to come as this story unfolds.”