Shovel Thief Awareness is no laughing matter, as we here at the Shovel Awareness Group, otherwise known as SAG, so painfully know. Countless incidences of Shovel Theft occur each and every day, and countless more go unreported. In fact, according to the latest statistics published by the FBI in 2001, reported Shovel Theft has increased some 1047% over the last five years alone. This problem is, at very least, an embarassing and hidden epidemic.

Be alert. Be aware. Keep a close eye on all of your shovels. According to information compiled by SAG in the last few days, over 99% of Shovel Thefts were perpertrated by someone close to the victim. That's right!!! Your family, friends, and especially neighbors, are at the top of this list.

So take all necessary and prudent precautions. If you must store your shovels outside of your safety deposit box, do so in a secure place in your home, such as in a gun safe or next to a chore list. If you perchance are a complete freaking wuss and don't beleive that it is your God-given right to possess and use as many firearms as the ATF and the Fifth Amendment allow, and/or if you are living off a trust fund that precludes you from owning a chore list or actually having to use the word "chore" in any sentence that you may utter, then keep them where you store all of your missing socks, or where you keep last year's tax returns, or even on the floor of one of your teenagers' bedrooms, if you should be so privileged to actually live with a teenager. Anyplace where finding a shovel would be difficult , if not impossible. And remember, if you have to take your shovel out of its secure place, keep a close eye on it. Gardens, front lawns, doo piles, and other so called "safe places", like Rectory Arboretums and TotLots, are notorious hangouts for those people so lacking in basic human dignity that they would, without hesitation and in disregard to the entire concept of "private ownership of depreciating assets" {as clearly defined in the IRS code, section 41-707(b), subsection A-492-12(as revised in 2001, pursuant to legislative action herewith contingent upon the execution of various items considered "chattel" or in the case of bartering, "barter"), paragraph (iii), sub-paragraph 4(c), the second sentence of which states that, ".....such items shall be forwith be known as "stuff" unless such "stuff" was expensed in any prior year or period using MACRS 200DDB, in HY convention, then such "stuff" will be known as "junk", but for purposes regarding taxation be considered "stuff" until such time that the taxpayer's spouse throws such "junk" or "stuff" out, or your accountant has a stroke, whichever should occur first in any given tax year, unless the taxpayer is declaring accrual as their accounting method and actually possess no inventory"}, knick and use another's gardening implement.

We here at SAG sincerely hope that this information has been helpful and remain committed to our mission to make the world a safer place for shovels of all colors, shapes, and various configurations.

HELPFUL SHOVEL THIEF INDICATORS

Sure signs of a Shovel Thief

Goofy Bastard

Affinity for single malt scotch and/or cheap beer

Initials "R.O."

Enjoys smelling cheese in its various forms

Bleeding Heart Do-Gooder

Drives gas-guzzling company car

Underpaid Professional Baby Sitter

In desperate need of new footware

Dog's initials are "N.O."

Goofy Bastard