This is the almighty quotes page. I'd ask you not to use them but someone might
press charges when I hunt you down and kill you with a cucumber.
'I always knew buying my elderly father crappy dentures would come back and bite me in the ass.
I just never knew he sharpened those things'
'I can't pretend to know what your going through.
I can pretend to care'
'I'm glad that telephones are not made of raw beef. When the phone would ring it would make a "plunk" sound and it would annoy me. When a telemarketer would call, I would have to put raw meat to my ear just to find out why they want to sell me squirrel eggs. Also, if the phone was beef, the caller ID would naturally by the process of elimination have to be a picture of a doorknob. Who wants to look at a doorknob anyway? It gives me gas to the extent of foliage.'
'What doesn't kill you..makes you infertile.'
'If two airplanes at Toronto at 9:16 pm facing opposite directions leave at the same exact second and keep a constant speed of 400 km/h, then where the hell is my ham sandwich?'
'Easy as pie.....pie that went to law school and got a bachelors degree in how not to be easy just to spite your pathetic human ass.'
'When life gives you lemons make ovaltine'