"Dang this stupid thing." Serenity kicked the computer. It had begun beeping at certain intervals annoyingly.

"Uh, Ser?" offered Krishna. "I think it actually detected something this time."

"Oh." Serenity stopped attacking the computer and examined the screen. "Oh, crap." She glanced at Krishna. "Lord of the Rings. Legolas Sue. Extreme Fluff."

Krishna stiffened. Legolas was her favorite. "We had better get in there."

"Holy crap."

"What?" Krishna sounded as if she was dreading the answer.

"I'm not telling you." Serenity deleted the information on the computer and got ready to go. "I'll just say this: this Sue is gonna die."

"All right!" Krishna pumped her fist in the air and looked at the computer screen. "Ooh. Rivendell. Can we be Elves this time?"

Serenity rolled her eyes. "Fine, yes."

Krishna jumped up and down in the air.

"Calm, Krishna, calm, you must be calm..."

"I like elves," Krishna reminded Serenity excitedly.

"I know that, Krishna," stated Serenity patiently. She fiddled with the computer and a doorway opened.

"We're off to kill the Su-ue! The awful Sue named Lorie!" Krishna sang to the tune of the classic "Wizard of Oz" song as she pranced through the portal.

"Oh, Lord help me," Serenity muttered as she stepped through after Krishna.

"Yay! Middle Earth!" Krishna breathed in deeply. "I never get tired of it."

“Sure,” Serenity murmured to herself. She looked around, but the trees blocked her view of Rivendell. She glanced at the Words. “‘A rushing waterfall, bright green leaves, and the air was so pure, her lungs stopped breathing for a moment, thinking she had died.’ Oh, my God. Bad grammar alert. There’s one charge.” Serenity pulled out a notebook and scribbled notes in it.

Voices wafted towards the partners. Krishna was still walking around, examining the land. “Krishna. Come on. We’ve got a Sue to kill,” Serenity commanded.

“Oh, man. I was talking to the birdies!” Krishna whined, but obligingly followed Serenity through Rivendell.

They stumbled upon the Mary Sue lying on a bed, talking with Elrond, Legolas, and Aragorn.

“I am Elrond, an elf, and the lord of Rivendell. These two men found you lying in the forest,” he pointed to the two men, each one different from the other.

“Duh,” Krishna quietly criticized. “No, I thought they’d be twins.”

“Shut up, they’ll hear us!” Serenity scribbled in a notebook. “That’s OOC, right?”

Krishna pulled out a gadget and aimed at Elrond. It read, Elrond Halfelven. Canon Character. OOC: 42.6%. Krishna smiled grimly and told Serenity, “Yep. That’s pathetically OOC.”

Serenity continued scribbling in her notebook. “Yay! Another charge.” She looked up. “Check Legolas and Aragorn.”

Krishna had begun pointing the gadget at animals.

“Give me that!” Serenity yanked the gadget out of Krishna’s hand and pointed it at Legolas. “Legolas Greenleaf. Canon Character. Out of Character: 76%. CHARACTER RUPTURE!”

Krishna realized Serenity had just checked Legolas. “How bad is it?”

Serenity looked at her sadly. “76.”

Krishna sat down and shoved her head between her knees. “I want this Sue.”

Serenity had been reading the words. “Oh, my God. She’s making Aragorn sound hideous. She’s mine.”

Serenity beamed the gadget and read the digital report. She sat down and put her head in her hands.

“Oh, God.” Krishna glanced up. “How bad is it?”

“62.3.”

“76 and 62.3? This is painful.”

“Very,” Serenity agreed. “’She gently drifted off into sleep, Legolas at her side the entire time. He watched her sleep, the feeling inside growing at each turn of the moment. He then finally realized what he was feeling inside of him, the one thing locked deep in his heart. He loved her.’”

Krishna glared at Serenity. “I hate her.

“Do you want the MP3?”

“What music do you have?”

“Eminem unedited, VC, Nickelback, Linkin Park.”

“I’ll go with Em. Curse words may fit my mood.” Krishna jammed the MP3 player on.

Serenity glanced at the words. “We’ve got a ‘many hours later.’ Crap. Krishna!”

Krishna didn’t pay attention to Serenity. She had turned the music up to maximum volume.

Where did Aragorn go? Serenity wondered. She glanced at Krishna. She seemed involved in the music. Serenity began to sneak away when she felt a yank on her shirt. She turned around.

It was Krishna, the MP3 player around her neck. “Where were you going?”

“Erm—” Serenity stuttered. “I was just—”

“—looking for Aragorn,” Krishna finished for her.

Serenity nodded sheepishly.

Krishna looked at her sternly. “You know we can’t. Besides, he has Arwen.”

Serenity sighed. “I hate her.”

“No you don’t.”

“Okay, I don’t, but she’s really annoying.”

Krishna let go of Serenity’s shirt. “How much time to we have before the next scene?”

“’Many hours.’”

“God. When will people learn to be specific?”

“Let’s just portal 6 hours ahead.” Serenity got out the portal-making gadget.

“Fine with me.”

Serenity activated the machine in her hand, and the scenery melted into white, then melted to the evening.

Serenity looked around. “I think we overdid it.”

“Oh, well. The bitch is up, at least.” Krishna was watching the scene between Legolas and the Sue on the balcony with narrowed eyes.

“Lorie, I have lived many centuries and seen many splendors and wonders, but with you, I feel overwhelming passion, it is you and only you I love. I long for your love also. I love you Lorie, even though we have just acquainted , but may you love me as well?”

“Legolas, I do love you, I love you very much. Just the other day I was crying over my ex-boyfriend, feeling self pity for some stupid guy, but now all I can think of is you. I love you Legolas, very much indeed, but I am only human and you are immortal. We could only be with each other for a short time, for I will die and fade from your memory.”

“Lorie, Only two ways can an elf die, in battle and of a broken heart. In your dying, my heart will shatter and I shall perish. Immortality shall end for me, and I shall die alongside you.”

Krishna stared at the scene. “Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy SHIT.” She turned around.

Serenity was writhing around on the floor. “Too … much … fluff …”

“You can say that again.”

“Too …”

“I didn’t mean that literally.”

Serenity stood up. “I’m sorry. She’s yours.”

“Ooh. Yay. What shall I do with her this time?”

“Uh…I’m not sure. I’ll think about it. While we torture her.”

“Shit.”

“What?”

“It’s a ‘Many hour pasted.’ Hold on…pasted? What the hell?”

“This author is high on something illegal.”

Krishna chuckled. “4 hours this time.”

Serenity pulled out the portal-making device and transported the assassins. They heard voices and hurried toward them.

Legolas and the Sue were just sitting down.

“What in Mt. Doom have you done Legolas?” Aragorn asked, whispering into Legolas’s ear for he was still in shock.

“Mt. Doom is a curse word now. Holy shit—er, maybe I should say ‘Holy Mt. Doom.’” Krishna muttered. Serenity stifled a laugh.

Legolas whispered back to Aragorn, “I have discovered my true love. I wish to marry her Aragorn, with or without your approval.”

“But she is just a young woman Legolas, and you are a Prince, a tremendously old one may I add.”

“Is he saying MY guy is old?” Krishna looked offended.

“He’s over 2000,” Serenity pointed out.

“Well, he looks young!”

“And love shall not stop running through our veins, and age is not of matter, for I love her, Aragorn, face it or not, and I will always love her. Age is not of matter to her, for she knows my age, and that does not stop her love for me.”

Krishna gagged.

Aragorn glared at Legolas, barely touching his food, his disgust growing and growing after each kiss and hand touch made between Legolas and Lorie. His every thought of how he misses his love.

Serenity’s eyes grew damp. “I hate you, Lorie. I hate you.”

“Switching tenses, I see. Write it down, Ser.”

Serenity slowly got out her notebook and scribbled in it. “We must kill her very well, Krishna. Nice and slow.”

“Yay.”

“The next scene is…erm…I have no clue.”

“When will people learn how to be specific?”

“You said that before.”

“I did? Well, they obviously haven’t learned.”

Serenity rolled her eyes and fiddled with the portaller. They appeared at the next scene.

“How’d you do that?” Krishna looked at her wonderingly.

“Next scene button,” Serenity answered casually.

“THERE’S A NEXT SCENE BUTTON?”

“Shut up, Krishna. They’ll hear us.”

They watched a while, silently.

Legolas moved closer to Lorie, pulling her close to him. He put his arms around her waist, and kissed her, ever so passionately, for both are deeply in love, and have missed each other. The kissed ended, Lorie then grabbing his hand, holding it in hers.

“Somebody shoot me,” Krishna muttered.

“And you are going to stay for the wedding, right. Because if you aren’t there, I’ll have to marry Aragorn. Don’t you agree Aragorn?”

“Like hell she will,” Serenity murmured fiercely.

“Aye, Lorie. Its almost like we can read each others mind now.” replied Aragorn.

Krishna and Serenity glanced at each other and stated in unison, “Aye?”

“What is he now, a pirate?” Serenity questioned. Krishna giggled.

Krishna glanced back through the Words. “I can’t believe we didn’t notice that.”

“Okay, this is getting boring.”

“Definetely. Let’s screw the rest of this goddamn story and just kill this chick.”

“Fine with me.” The assassins stepped forward as the Sue ran away.

“Shit,” Krishna cursed. “The goddamn bitch ran away.”

Serenity transported them to a later point in the story.

Aragorn was standing behind an Orc and cut the Orc’s head off. A band of Orcs lay about, dead. Legolas went over to the Sue, who the Orc had been holding captive.

Krishna stepped out from behind a tree. “Yo.”

Legolas and Aragorn looked at each other, confused.

Serenity stepped out from behind another tree, drawing her sword.

Legolas and Aragorn drew their weapons.

“We don’t want to hurt you,” Serenity stated soothingly, smiling warmly at Aragorn.

“We just want the Sue,” Krishna explained.

“The Sue?” Aragorn looked at the assassins questioningly.

“The girl,” Krishna supplied.

“Her name is not Sue,” Legolas stated defensively.

“Ah, shut up, Elf.” Serenity looked at him irritatingly.

“Hey!” Krishna glared at Serenity.

“Okay, okay.” Serenity rolled her eyes. “Just give us the girl.”

“Never!” cried Legolas. Aragorn brandished his sword. The pair ran toward the assassins.

Krishna waved her hand. Legolas and Aragorn were thrown on their backs.

The Sue looked at her, wide eyed.

“How’d you do that?” Serenity looked at her wonderingly.

“I worked in Star Wars before Lord of the Rings. I still remember the Jedi mind tricks. I asked Makes-Things to make sure we had a really high level of midi-chlorians every time,” Krishna explained.

“Cool. Hey, will you teach me some Jedi stuff when we get back?”

“Sure, if you teach me whatever you learned in your last job.”

“Erm…I didn’t know you wanted to speak dinosaur.”

“What the hell?”

“I worked in Michael Crichton.”

“Huh?”

“Jurassic Park, you idiot.”

“Oh. Didn’t you say something about Hogwarts, though?”

“Yeah. They stuck me in Harry Potter at the beginning with some girl named—aw, hell. I can’t remember. But she had purple hair! I do know that!”

“Uh huh,” Krishna turned back to the Sue. “What should we do with her?”

“Hmm…shall we throw her into Mount Doom, since she made that a curse word?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered.”

“You’ve been watching too much—” Serenity hesitated.

“Ghostbusters 2,” Krishna finished.

“Oh.” Serenity hit herself in the head. “Damn. We almost forgot to charge her.”

“Hell. Well, you’ve got the notebook. Go ahead, Ser.”

Serenity took out her notebook. “Lorie Glen, we charge you with having awful grammar and spelling, switching tenses every 5 seconds, wearing a silver dress with auburn hair, and being a Mary Sue.”

“And annoying the hell out of both of us,” Krishna added, smiling dangerously.

“Wh—what are you going to do to me?” the Sue stammered.

“Oh, don’t worry. Nothing too bad.” Krishna and Serenity exchanged knowing glances.

Serenity stepped forward and slapped the Sue. Krishna punched her in the jaw so that she was knocked unconscious.

“Damn, she’s weak.”

“I expected that.”

“It’s disappointing how weak they are anymore. I mean, there’s barely a good fight.”

Legolas and Aragorn were coming around. Serenity glanced at them. “We’d better get out of here before they ask too many questions.”

“You’re right. Just take her to Mount Doom. We’ll shove the many pieces of her remains there.” Krishna glanced at the Sue loathingly.

“And I thought I was the violent one.” Serenity sighed and transported them to Mount Doom. She jammed on the MP3 player and turned Linkin Park up to full volume.

After 7 hours, Serenity had listened to her MP3s many times. “Are you done yet?”

Krishna stood up, hands bloody. “You had to rush me, didn’t you?”

“Rush? It’s been 7 freaking hours!”

“It should have been 12. Help me dump these into Doom.”

After the Sue’s remains had been sufficiently melted in the fiery chasm, Serenity transported herself and Krishna back to their response center. Krishna ran to the bathroom to wash her hands. She came back her ditzy self.

“Ooh. That was fun!” she squealed.

“It’s amazing what a Legolas Sue can do to a crazy soul,” Serenity muttered under her breath. It was astounding the change a Legolas Sue could have on Krishna. Or perhaps the response center just made her lose all common sense.

Krishna pranced around until she saw a bowl of complementary chocolates sitting in the middle of the table. “Chocolates? Ooh!”

Chocolate is the last thing Krishna needs, Serenity thought to herself, but she was tired after the trip.

Krishna tasted one. “Mmm. Tastes like Godiva. Are they trying to bribe us?”

“I don’t care,” Serenity declared warily. “Hell. Just give me a goddamn dark chocolate.”

“We’ve been listening to Eminem, haven’t we?”

“Just give me the damn chocolate and you won’t get hurt.…”

END

[Serenity’s A/N: Yay. The first PPC. I hope you enjoyed it. This Sue just plain sucked. She needed to go to Hell, but even the portal couldn’t transport her there, so we settled for Mount Doom. Fun, huh? Yes, I got kind of writer’s block near the end, but Krish abandoned me, dammit! What was I supposed to do?]

[Krishna’s A/N: I did not abandon Ser! Hope you liked this. And I'm not normally this ditzy - really, I'm not. Look for the sequel, which we will eventually write! And I do NOT listen to Eminem. (Serenity: Oh, shut up.)]