_tayler made me the kick ass icon for this series

This starts out Xander/Riley, ends up Spike/Xander

Set directly after the episode "The Replacement".

Each chapter is based on a song. The lyrics are interspersed throughout the fic, sorry if that's distracting for anyone.

Rated Adult/Mature.

Huge thanks goes to greenstone_j for the fantastic beta. I have never had anyone so excited about my work before it was even finished. Your ideas were fabulous. Thank you so much.

The song is by Bleu. Lyrics are in italics

Stalker!verse

by
Strickens_girl

Somebody Else

Xander knew he was different. Well, compared to your general, run of the mill, Hellmouth standards, he was normal and that's what made him different. All his friends were super people; he was normal guy. He was surrounded by vampire slayers and witches and vampires and government engineered soldiers. Even the bratty teenage girl was a mystical key created by monks to hide it from a hell god. And he tended bar, or delivered pizza or pretended to know what he was doing on a construction site. He was Sunnydale’s Minimum-wage Joe.

What if I was alright?
What if I wasn't wound so tight?
What if I had the balls to be bad?
Would you still look at me like that?
Would you be mad that I had held the old me back?

Oh, sure, he'd had his moments of interesting adventure. Almost eaten by bug teachers, being possessed by hyena spirits, infected with supernatural syphilis. Real fun. The joy of life as Xander Harris just never stopped.

Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me

Knowing the he couldn't be great didn't bother Xander so much, he had always been a valuable part of the team. But he couldn't believe that anymore. There was so much that he wasn't and part of him wanted to just touch that greatness, always had.

Maybe I was too much
Maybe I'll take it down a notch
Maybe I'll have the guts to go mad
Maybe I'll mess me up real bad
Maybe I'll make you wish you had the old me back

At first it was Buffy. She was the golden girl, the standard of perfection. But she wanted bad, not normal. She wanted Angel, not Xander. Cordelia, while normal in the ‘hey I’m human and won’t embarrass you in front of the guys by knocking potential bullies on their arse’ sense was not nearly as normal as Xander. Faith had tried to kill him and now Anya, the former vengeance demon, shared his bed on nights when she didn't retreat to her own apartment. His cache of sexual experience was full of him lying down for strong women, letting them use him for their pleasure, their enjoyment, their fulfillment. But they weren't enough any longer. Xander had become fixated on someone else. Someone he never imagined longing for before.

Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me

Riley had come into their lives through Buffy. He was strong and fast and amazing, even for a soldier. No one was more surprised than Xander when they discovered he had been modified by the government for optimum performance. Now he was normal guy, just like Xander. But he wasn't. No matter how hard he tried, Riley would never be like Xander. And Xander wanted to know why.

What if I can't remember who I'm trying to be?

Ever since Riley had confided to Xander that he knew that Buffy didn't love him, that his normal-ness would be the end for them, Xander had become obsessed with the former soldier. Did he feel the same compulsion to be better, more than average, just like Xander? Were they closer than either acknowledged? He had to know, had to find out.

So he followed the blond man around at night, during patrol and sometimes after. Watching how he moved, how he fought, how he stopped and brushed the hair out of Buffy's face before they kissed.

He didn't know when it happened but soon he found himself longing for the large hand to brush the hair out of his face, for the strong lips to brush against his own.

He knew it had to be torture for Riley, knowing that he wasn't good enough for Buffy. It wasn't fair. She didn't love him, not like Xander did, like he could, like he wanted to.

Like now, the male Scoobie was standing behind a large headstone, hiding as he watched the lovers grasping at each other as if their lives depended on it. They had been on patrol, hunting a pack of demons that had been eating small dogs. Riley had tripped over one and he and Buffy had easily dispatched the small clan of eight demons the size of ten year olds.

Then, standing amongst the gore of the slain demons, they fell on each other with passionate ignorance to everything around them. Xander knew then that violence was their foreplay. Both designed to crave the fight, the battle, the victory. Fighting and fucking, that's what Faith called slaying. The Initiative must have used similar programming.

Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me

Xander stood, watching and wondering. What would it take for someone more deserving than Buffy to be getting the focus of Riley’s attention? Could Xander be desirable to him? The look on Riley's face as he panted and pushed - like he was trying to get away as much as was trying stay inside, like he was pained as much as he was pleasured - made Xander ache knowing he could give the former soldier more. He didn't know how, but he would find a way.

He never noticed that as he stood and watched the lovers, panting and erect, that someone was watching him as well.

Just me...

Save a Prayer

Xander was surprised at how easily his plan had fallen into place. For some reason, he feared that Buffy would be more difficult to manipulate, but she fell for the lame excuse: hook, line and sinker. Xander suggested that they all needed a bonding night. The girls could get together and do the whole chick thing and he and Riley could do a guys' night out. Giles wouldn't want to come. He was too British to want to spend time with a couple of dumb kids eating pizza and drinking beer. And Spike, well, Spike was Spike.

Of course, Xander's plan was more of a guys' night in - but he wasn't telling anyone that. As Friday night approached, he ensured everything was ready. The movies, the alcohol, his techniques, but especially the spell.

He watched out the window, knowing Riley would be coming soon. The flutter in his stomach became an ache when he detected the familiar strut coming down the street. He had memorized his gestures, his fighting style, even his walk, until Xander had it fully engrained in his brain. He tried to control his breathing until the knock at the door.

You saw me standing by the wall, corner of a main street
And the lights are flashing on your window sill
All alone ain’t much fun so you’re looking for the thrill
And you know just what it takes and where to go.

Xander quickly ushered Riley into the apartment, playfully slapping him on the shoulder and maybe leaving his hand to linger a little too long on the soft cotton of his t-shirt.

"What movies did you bring?" Xander asked as he took the small bag from the taller man.

"Just the ones you asked for," Riley replied with a smile as he casually flopped down on the secondhand couch. Xander smiled at the sight. He wanted Riley to feel safe in his presence. Why wouldn’t he? Riley saw Xander as unassuming and normal. The ‘Shaggy’ of the Scoobies. Harmless, unless he accidentally blundered into someone or something. Xander was planning on using that belief to his advantage.

"Beer?" he asked as he headed toward the kitchen and away from Riley.

"Sure," the response came and he smiled. Predictable Riley. Xander knew exactly how this night would go. He'd played the scene over in his mind's eye for days now. It would go perfectly. It had to.

Don’t save a prayer for me now.
Save it til the morning after
No don’t say a prayer for me now.
Save it til the morning after

The pizza came and they worked their way through a six pack easily as they watched "Dracula" with Gary Oldham. They both laughed at the portrayal of the vampire even though the subject hit a little too close to home. Subtly, Xander would steal glances at his desired, inching closer as they talked and laughed, when all he wanted to do was touch.

Next, Xander suggested "The X-Files Movie" and as they started to watch, he challenged Riley to play the drinking game. It wasn't fair, really. Xander practically had the movie memorized and he knew just when the shots would be had. Just over half way through, Xander could tell Riley was feeling quite hammered. So much so, that he never noticed Xander wasn't actually drinking when he was. The half-empty bottle of tequila they had started with, had its levels dropped dramatically each time Xander poured Riley a shot, so it was no surprise that they quickly ran out of alcohol.

"I'll go and get some more," Xander deliberately slurred as he stood and stumbled into the kitchen. He smiled when he reached for the bottle of vodka he had prepared for just this occasion. His dream was so close to reality he could almost taste it.

Feel the breeze deep on the inside look down into the well
If you can you’ll see the world in all his fire
Take a chance (like all dreamers can’t find another way.)
You don’t have to dream it all, just live a day.

He walked back into the living room right as Mulder said, "We have to find the truth."

"Ah, crap," Riley complained, knowing that the utterance of the word "truth" meant another shot. Xander smiled as he held out the bottle of vodka. "All out of tequila. Hope vodka works for you."

Riley just gave a goofy, drunken smile and Xander poured out the magical liquid. The spell had been easy, much easier than Xander thought it would be. Willow had mapped it all out for him, in small, easy to understand Xander-type words. He told her it was for Spike, in case the chipped vamp got out of hand on the nights he stayed with the male Scoobie. But it worked on humans just as well.

Xander knew this was all he needed. This one chance would get him what he wanted, what he and Riley both deserved. Once Riley saw Xander for who he really was, the soldier would be his. They would both be rescued from one-sided relationships. They could love, and most importantly, be loved back.

The fact that Xander used a spell wouldn't matter. Riley would never know the difference.

It turned out that the liquid was completely tasteless in vodka.

Don’t save a prayer for me now.
Save it til the morning after
No don’t say a prayer for me now.
Save it til the morning after

Save it til the morning after
Save it til the morning after
Save it til the morning after

Xander watched with glee as Riley’s demeanor changed, and the slurring of words and clumsy movements meant the potion had worked fast. Xander used his well-practiced line: "Gee, farmboy. Seems someone shouldn't mix his alcohols, huh?"

Riley swayed as Xander helped him off the floor and into the bedroom. Xander had already said told the girls they would be up all night. No one would miss him.

The spell was designed to make the recipient very open to suggestion but remember everything, so Xander had to be careful with what he said. He knew that all Riley needed was to know how good they could be together. Then he would know the same truth that Xander had found.

"I think we should get you out of these clothes. You must really hate sleeping in clothes, huh Riley?"

"Yeah," the former soldier replied dreamily. "I hate sleeping in clothes."

Pretty looking road I try to hold the rising floods that fill my skin
Don’t ask me why I’ll keep my promise I’ll melt the ice
And you wanted to dance, so I asked you to dance
But fear is in your soul,
Some people call it a one night stand, but we can call it paradise.

Xander marveled at each piece of smooth flesh that he exposed as he removed Riley's clothing. The skin felt so smooth. It made Xander wonder what Riley did to make it feel that way. Once the former soldier was naked, Xander stood at the end of the bed and stared in awe at the sight before him. Riley, laid bare, all for him.

Xander crawled onto the bed, blanketing the naked body with his own. "Riley?" he asked in an even tone. "Would you like me to touch you?"

"Yes," the response came.

"Would you like me to kiss you?"

"Yes."

The brunet man smirked and went to task, learning every inch of this dreamed about body. He trailed his fingertips over Riley's chest, circling the distended nipples before moving to trace his arms. He was surprised to find a fresh scar on the inside of Riley's left elbow. No one had told him that Riley had been bitten.

As his fingers brushed the scab, Riley moaned and arched up toward the questing fingers.

Xander slowly continued his exploration; confident he was loving Riley's body like no one else ever had before. Giving the poor man what he truly needed. Finally, he reached the piece of flesh he longed for deep inside him. Licking the spongy head, Xander delighted at his first taste of real cock ever, searing this moment in his memory.

Don’t save a prayer for me now.
Save it til the morning after
No don’t say a prayer for me now.
Save it til the morning after

Save it til the morning after
Save it til the morning after

Slowly, he got the hang of what he was doing. Hours of watching gay porn and practicing on that nasty silicone phallus, pretending it was Riley, had come in handy and soon Xander was deep throating and swallowing around Riley's hard length. He rolled the taut balls in his hand as he moaned at the taste exploding on his tongue.

Xander caught his breath as he felt strong fingers tangle in his too long hair. Riley grabbed handfuls of the curly locks and pulled slightly, slowly beginning to direct the motion of Xander's head. The blissed-out teen slowly began to let go and soon the former soldier was actively fucking his mouth.

Xander was in heaven. Riley wanted this - wanted him. He pushed himself up a little so he could breathe better and he heard his lover whisper, "Buffy."

Pulling off the cock quickly, the brunet man corrected him. "Xander."

Riley moaned and mimicked, "Xander," as his cock was engulfed in the warm wetness again. Xander smiled as best as he could around the flesh in his mouth as he heard his name moaned again, just as his mouth was filled with Riley's come.

Once the cock was spent, Xander crawled up to curl into his lover's arms. His relief was yet to come, but that was alright. He was sure that once Riley woke up, he would reciprocate in full. That's what lovers did for each other, right?

As he drifted off, warm strong arms wrapped around him and held him tight as Riley mouthed, "Buffy."

Save a prayer til the morning after...
Save a prayer til the morning after...
Save a prayer til the morning after,
Save a prayer til the morning after…

I Can't Make You Love Me

Xander was sleeping soundly, the lull of the heartbeat below his ear keeping him peaceful and pleasantly in his dream state. The feel of the hard, warm body below him was what he desired and longed for and now that he had it, he was determined to treasure it.

He was suddenly jolted from his heavenly place when he was thrown bodily from the bed, landing on the floor with a heavy thud.

He looked up to see wild eyes flashing at him. Beautiful blue eyes he expected to be filled with love looked at him with fear and confusion and hate.

"What the fuck is going on?" Riley screamed; the pitch of his normally beautiful baritone rising harshly, as he backed away from the bed they shared all night.

"Riley," Xander crooned in a soothing voice, trying to calm the frightened man down. "It's ok. Do you remember last night?"

The blond man stopped for a moment to stop and think. Watching closely, Xander could see the moment it all came back to Riley. Xander, to his horror, saw not the love and acceptance he was hoping for, but disgust and revulsion.

He chanted "no, no, no" in his head, he realized that his beautifully crafted plan was falling apart right before his eyes. Why wasn't Riley seeing how wonderful they had been together? Why couldn't he see the truth?

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize
Don't patronize me

Xander held up his hands in a sign of surrender and calm. Riley was just freaked. He had to make his lover understand. Then everything would be fine. "Riley, its ok. I know this is uncomfortable, but just think. It was good. We were so good."

The dark haired man watched as blue eyes flinched before glancing down at his own nakedness. Xander had remained fully clothed; not bothering to undress himself, more focused on his lover's soft flesh.
Riley grabbed a blanket from the bed to cover up. Xander was confused, as Riley seemed more worried about hiding the bite mark on the inside of Riley's arm, instead of his exposed, soft member.

"Xander!" Riley yelled indignantly. "I'm not gay!"

"Neither am I," Xander replied reasonably. And in his mind, that made perfect sense. He wasn't gay; he was in love with Riley. The former soldier just needed to understand that. He just had to.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart And I'll feel the power
but you won't. No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

"This is fucking insane!" The naked man yelled as he moved even farther away from a pleading Xander. He started looking around for his discarded clothing as he began to rant. "I love Buffy, Xander. I'm not gay! You took fucking advantage of me when I was too drunk to do anything about it!"

Xander marveled at the shade of red coloring his love's face. He tried to reach for the hard body he loved the night before but he jerked away in shock as Riley cocked his arm back, preparing to put his fist in Xander's face.

"But you wanted it," Xander tried to reason as Riley grabbed his clothes and dressed quickly. "You said yes. You called my name." Desperation colored his voice as he followed the now clothed man out of the bedroom as he headed toward the front door.

"Xander," Riley growled through gritted teeth. "I'm only going to say this once more. I was drunk. That wasn't consent, it was drunken babbling. Leave. Me. Alone."

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me
Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Xander shook with fear. Riley didn't love him, didn't want him. Buffy had blinded him to the love they could have if they only tried. He needed to fix it before things got too far out of hand before Riley refused to have anything more to do with. Life without Riley was too empty, and the impact on the rest of the Scoobies - he might lose his love, but he wouldn't lose his friends.

He had to make it better. He had to make Riley believe that it was all just a misunderstanding, even if that was a lie.

"Riley, Jesus, I'm so sorry," Xander whispered, his eyes locked on his bare toes. "I thought, you know, you said..." He sighed deeply before turning on the big puppy dog eyes and pulling out the 'goofy Xander smile'. "Can we just forget this ever happened? The others don't need to know about this."

"God damn straight we're going to forget this ever happened," Riley growled as he turned and stormed out of the apartment, harshly slamming the door behind him.

Xander sank down to the floor and wept.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart And I'll feel the power
but you won't No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

Finally, he collected himself and pulled on his shoes. He had to know where Riley was, where he went, what he was doing, maybe then he could comprehend why his plan had failed, why Riley didn’t see the love they could have. He went to all the normal spots and finally found his car outside Buffy's house. Xander let himself in using the key he had. Joyce was at work and Dawnie was at school, there could only be Buffy and Riley in the house.

The sounds coming from Buffy's room stopped Xander cold in the middle of the hallway. Feral, angry, almost animalistic sounds emanated from his friend's bedroom. He recognized Riley's voice as he moaned and grunted and called Buffy's name. Xander listened; knowing Riley was trying to fuck away the image of Xander sucking his cock, trying to run from their love by cleansing himself in the slayer.

He tortured himself with images of them, writhing and rocking together, knowing that she didn't love Riley, not the way Xander did.

Xander heard their cries of completion and tried to juggle his need to hear their conversation, so he could figure out where his love was going next, and not being caught. Aware that Riley was dressing, the brunet raced to his car, ready to follow the former soldier, just to make sure his love would be all right.

After several long minutes, Riley finally left Buffy's house and Xander followed him through to the bad side of town. The male Scoobie wondered why Riley had come down here, but he was determined to keep his lover safe.

Parking across from the dilapidated house that Riley entered, Xander warily stepped out of his car and headed into the house. Surprised at the number of vampires in the building and the fact that they only gave him cursory glances, Xander wandered through what was obviously a squat for the undead. He searched desperately for Riley, knowing the former soldier was in here somewhere and probably in need of his help.

He spotted his love on the other side of the room, and stood, uncomprehending as his world came crashing down. There was Riley, hunched down in a disgustingly dirty armchair with a nasty looking female minion feeding from the bite Xander had caressed the night before.

He was frozen to the spot, unable to flee the nightmare before him. It was bad enough to be rejected for the golden girl, but to be rejected for an ugly bloodsucking minion...

Xander's brain shut down as his vision flashed red with rage as the love he once felt turned to something else. Something ugly.

No, I can't make you love me if you don't.

Feed the Author