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 elsceyb's Journal
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 Entries: 3 ( 0 private )
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alcohol and jealousy and paranoia

User Mood Sulking

Now Playing Torn Apart

Posted on: Today, 12:39 PM

Last night, me and a couple of friends went out for a friends birthday, although given that this friend was still recovering from the Saturday we went out, it was more a final drink before everyone went off to University, and so another friend could say goodbye to one of the glass collecters she befriended. Anyway, said friend called Lucy got drunk, but hey that was the idea of the night, can't complain there, although that she started pawing at anyone who passed us was a little, concerning.

By the end of the night she had a minor fan club, and yes, I think I'm slightly jealous, but then I've never wanted to get into a relationship with any of them, while Lucy has, so I guess it's fair, depending on what the guys are after. Anyway, two of these guys Glinn (don't ask me, maybe I've got it wrong) and Pete were talking to us, well more Lucy was talking to Glinn, and me and Pete were having small conversations, namely about the dance floor which turned to a mini mosh pit on occasional songs. Then he started asking me wierd questions like "Have you seen anyone here who you 'like' tonight?" Given that Lucy does enough picking out guys she's liked from a crowd, I've nevr had the need to do so, and I wasn't sure what I was meant to say. Sure there was a good deal of good-looking guys there (athough one guy gets that classification for wearing a Metallica T-shirt [they played Enter Sandman that night too-one whole song I could sing along to!]) but it's not like I've ever acted upon such information, and besides, this Pete guys was the only one nice enough to talk to me while Lucy and my other friend were talking to others.

After about three of these bizzare questions Glinn went to go get Lucy ANOTHER drink and Pete confered with Lucy about my answers. By the looks on both of their expressions my 'friend' wasn't saying anything nice, so I made Lucy agree to tell me what she said later in the taxi home.

I think that above the alcohol and jealousy and paranoia, that is what I'm most angry about, that she lied to me. Maybe I'm over reacting but right now I'm really thinking that it's not worth spending however much money it is for a train ticket up to Liverpool to see someone who isn't 'friend' enough to keep their promises (okay, I didn't make her 'promise' as such, but it's still the same as lying in my view), in the very least, who shouldn't have said such bad things about me that she can't tell me, or even tell me and apologise, hell she hasn't simply apologised without telling me, she was just too fucking drunk to remember, so she's not going to tell me, but she's always drunk whenever she says something she knows she shouldn't, and I always forgive her after and apology, and usually I can let it rest, but this isn't about one of her dilema's it's about me and I feel I deserve to know in the very least what is so wrong with me that I don't count as someone, a friend, who you shouldn't lie to!

I guess I'll stop harassing my keybored now, hope the lack of spelling and gramma doesn't throw anyone, and just listen to some music very loud, and sulk a little more.


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[Entry #3]

Except for the chaos factor

User Mood Depressed, but kind of too distant for it too be too strong

Now Playing Spiderman Soundtrack

Posted on: 08-25-2003, 01:02 PM

Sigh, everything seems to be going haywire, except for the chaos factor. My A-Level results weren't what I needed to get into University, even though I was given an offer, I had messed up my Application anyway, although it wasn't my fault to begin with. I'm not even sure if the University is the one I want to go to, although I was prepeared to, and have, withdrawn my University application so I can get a place at the said University. Hell I'm not even sure if I want to do a course in Computer Games Programming anyway. I've gone through phases wanting to be everything and so it was a bit of a fluke that on the day we started to do all this research on Universities and Courses that some speaker mentioned that Abertay did a Computer Games Programming course.

I was going to go back to school so I could touch up on my grades, Maths especially, but I really, really don't want to go back, and it seems like that's won over. I'm not sure what I want, not even sure if I ever did, although getting my stories published would be nice, but then so would a million-billion other things.

My Mum's been good though, there's a job up for grabs in her department and she's got me an application. I'm fairly positive about what I sent off, but I wouldn't be surprised if I failed in that too. All my optimism seems to have seeped away into a drain somewhere.

All my friends are going off to University; Chester, Liverpool, Warick, Manchester, although two are travelling and one is staying in the city, another is being an 'Opear' (sp?) over in Ireland. I'm pretty sure I'll see a few of them at least once more, but there's an air of finality around in the demising e-mails and meetings up. Even with people who I only talk to through AIM there seems to be an air of tension, as if something's gone astray and there's nothing left anymore.

I don't think I'd be so concerned if I was going to University, half in escape, but as it is it seems like everyone else is moving on with some plan they have, and I'm just here, playing each day however it goes, not really doing anything.

Oh well, at least I'm winning on this level of Alpha Centurai. Sigh.


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[Entry #2]

Maybe that's why I'm so tempermental

User Mood Don't ask!

Now Playing Train

Posted on: 06-10-2003, 06:29 PM

I am irritated and annoyed and still half wet from the rain, and Puddlele isn't even around. I feel like screaming very, very loud, but I can't excatly do that without someone screaming "Shut up!" or something similar which kind of ruins the whole point. (I wish I weren't so obedient sometimes).

I've sat another exam today. Maybe that's why I'm so tempermental, I'm stressed, I have been snapping at pretty much everyone recently and have had to send out various 'I'm sorry' emails and I still need to check up on Kat. I really feel like I should apologise and ask her if she's okay but I'm just too frustrated and I think I'd end up having to write some second apology.

My oh-so adorable brother is being a complete idiot and making up stories about dogs just so he can sound all hard and knowledgable, I've got another exam tomorrow, the one I really should be revising for, and my friends keep bugging me about going to the year-group's 'Formal'. Basically it's an equivilant to the American proms that seem to always be on whatever TV program my sister is watching. I really don't want to go and I sure as hell am not dressing up and for hell's sake, it's a girls school, we don't exactly have counter parts and after about half an hour everyone will then go down to Broad street and get totally wasted there anyway.

I should calm down, still have that revision to do and of course I don't want to run out of complaints for another day.

(Insert here a very long string of loud screaming of words (for the most part) I am too polite to actually scraem out)

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[Entry #1]