Things just seem to keep going at a constant downhill rate lately.. He just had to come back around, and my boyfriend.. well he's relapsing into that thing he used to do.. We went through a period where he was just so mean I'd cry.. It felt like he didn't love me, and it felt like every time I said stop, you're hurting me.. it didn't matter. Then when I try to get his attention it takes violence, which makes him angry at me, and he starts to do all these stupid, mean, childish things.. It's just not fair.
Most of the time when it happens, I try to ignore it, but he can just get so mean that I kind of cry..... He asks me all the time why I'm still with him and why I still love him when he does those things.. and I'm like.... Because.. I love you.. but the reality is: I don't know.
I know I don't deserve these things, I know I shouldn't have to put up with it.. and every time I ask for help, no one can understand how he can be so mean, because we always seem good and we're so close. That's the part that hurts the most.. He wants me to move back in with him I think, to get away from my parents, and I do too, but I'm starting to rethink. It's just not fair.. he's been so mean to me lately, and he blames it all on me. He says sorry, but I know he doesn't mean it.. he feels like he shouldn't have to apologize, maybe like I'm the one that should.. but is it my fault? That he's so mean to me? That he says these things..?
And why does that asshole have to come back.. it just makes everything harder.. seeing him in pictures with people I thought were my friends first, being left out because he's there, and he doesn't like me? It's happened too many times. I'm beginning to not even care. I suppose I really just have to leave this place to get away from all the lies surrounding me everywhere.. I feel like half my life is a lie, that half my friends couldn't care less, like the other half I hardly see.... Maybe it's because I chose all summer to wait for him to get out of work, because things are always better when your boyfriends around, right? Especially if he's your best friend, and you trust him and love him the most... right...?????? But I feel like I've wasted my summer waiting for him to do things with me when all he really wants to do is sit around and do nothing.. because it's too hot.. but its summer of course its gonna be hot. But that's okay. Summer comes every year.. right..?
I can't wait to get my license.. then I can get my own apartment. Somewhere nice. And I won't have to deal with people who use me, annoy me, and hate me. I won't have to see the people who drag me down ever again. I don't know why I put up with this. Why do I trust people so much? Ha.
Lillian.