Mood:
Now Playing: 7 things
Sometimes I wonder why I feel the way I do about some people. Especially you. I know you'll never find this and be able to read it, but I should get it out somewhere. Remember when we first met? It was your mysteriousness that kept me interested in you.. I looked past all those mean things you said and found myself fascinated by you. I wanted to know more about you. I remember you made me cry, and then you held me really tight and told me you didn't mean it.. that I wasn't really as annoying as you kept saying. Even through that, I knew there was something there to hold on to.. something important enough that I wanted to keep.
Ever since you last left me, once again with him, the one I love, (but don't I love you? That's the part that confused me from the start..) My mind never wanders far from what you're doing. Remembering all the nice things we talked about and did together.. holding my hand, walking endlessly and talking without stopping.. Through that I guess I saw your lie. I could feel it. Even though I kept asking about how you are, even though I miss you a little... Subconsciously I knew what you were really about. And that's the thing that really screwed me over. You almost suceeded -- how does it feel? To lie to someone who accidentally developed feelings for you, and almost destroy something so important.. I don't know what I'd do if he left me because of your games. You messed with parts of me I didn't even know were messed with, and you almost tore us apart. But now that I know.... I won't let it happen.
Even if I have to deal with you forever. It won't happen. Even if you (and him..) look at other girls, think about how much better it would be with them.. cause they're prettier than me, sluttier than me, more appealing maybe? And I wonder why I've relapsed into such a dangerous disorder that kept me at under a few bites a day and constant self-loathing and that one time.. I told myself I'd only do it once, but it's not the way to undo what's done. It only leaves me with an empty stomach, minty fresh breath, bloodshot eyes and.. then what? Sure, no one would expect, but still... the horror stories about bellies ruptured and addiction.... That's not something I'd want to do all the time.. And it makes me sick to realize I did it all for you. Without realizing, I knew you two looked at other girls... I knew the thoughts that ran through your head and I guess I wanted you to love me so much that I changed everything for you.. and he hates it. And you know it. It drives him insane when I complain about it.....
I guess all I can say is the way I feel about you is completely tainted.... you hate me, you're bored of me.. but I want you to love me so bad that I swore I'd kill you if you wouldn't...... to me, you're too beautiful to share...
And I'll probably always question that dream.. obviously I'll never say it but it felt so real that it left bruises... You were so mad at me, I probably thought you were him, but then i realized you weren't as soon as you grabbed my wrist and threw me down the stairs. Then you were dragging me by my arm... all I remember is passing out as soon as you threw me on something.. soft... And the whole time I never once thought to fight back or try to hurt you.
I guess I really just wish we could come to an understanding. I know we can fix things if I could just see you for more than one day, and talk to you. The only thing that scares me is.. when I'm not missing you.... I'm missing him...
lily.
[ps. this ones for you.]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD22Mk_cfJE