endlessly
Mood:  quizzical

it seems i dont write enough. perhaps i return because i happened across a link saved somewhere along in my bookmarks menu, which desperately needed cleaning out. perhaps. and perhaps it will be until another summer that i return.

the summer is hot. maybe even warmer than ever before, temps hitting near 100 seem unlikely for three or four days straight, but are occuring nonetheless. work is more enjoyable since i dumped that old job for this new one. more hours and different people, all bearable to the point where we could almost be friends, a few fallling into that category. 

and hes never around anymore, it's just me and the boy. it would seem we were ready to finally take it another step and look for our own home, instead of residing forever in the hell we've been in for the past year and a half. i still wonder where he went; it's been easily over a year since his last visit, and it usually happens a couple times before the new one would ring in. maybe he's waiting. maybe avoiding. perhaps gone. but either way, we're doing great.

and either way, i miss him still.

and i suppose i always will, still trapped in a state of awe and interest over the mysteriousness that had once clouded over the moon on that otherwise brightly lit night... and i still remember the look in his eye..

 

nothing more to tell, not much has changed. of course, i've remained essentially the same as always..<3

lily.

fuckk.

Things just seem to keep going at a constant downhill rate lately.. He just had to come back around, and my boyfriend.. well he's relapsing into that thing he used to do.. We went through a period where he was just so mean I'd cry.. It felt like he didn't love me, and it felt like every time I said stop, you're hurting me.. it didn't matter. Then when I try to get his attention it takes violence, which makes him angry at me, and he starts to do all these stupid, mean, childish things.. It's just not fair.

Most of the time when it happens, I try to ignore it, but he can just get so mean that I kind of cry..... He asks me all the time why I'm still with him and why I still love him when he does those things.. and I'm like.... Because.. I love you.. but the reality is: I don't know.

I know I don't deserve these things, I know I shouldn't have to put up with it.. and every time I ask for help, no one can understand how he can be so mean, because we always seem good and we're so close. That's the part that hurts the most.. He wants me to move back in with him I think, to get away from my parents, and I do too, but I'm starting to rethink. It's just not fair.. he's been so mean to me lately, and he blames it all on me. He says sorry, but I know he doesn't mean it.. he feels like he shouldn't have to apologize, maybe like I'm the one that should.. but is it my fault? That he's so mean to me? That he says these things..?

 And why does that asshole have to come back.. it just makes everything harder.. seeing him in pictures with people I thought were my friends first, being left out because he's there, and he doesn't like me? It's happened too many times. I'm beginning to not even care. I suppose I really just have to leave this place to get away from all the lies surrounding me everywhere.. I feel like half my life is a lie, that half my friends couldn't care less, like the other half I hardly see.... Maybe it's because I chose all summer to wait for him to get out of work, because things are always better when your boyfriends around, right? Especially if he's your best friend, and you trust him and love him the most... right...?????? But I feel like I've wasted my summer waiting for him to do things with me when all he really wants to do is sit around and do nothing.. because it's too hot.. but its summer of course its gonna be hot. But that's okay. Summer comes every year.. right..?

I can't wait to get my license.. then I can get my own apartment. Somewhere nice. And I won't have to deal with people who use me, annoy me, and hate me. I won't have to see the people who drag me down ever again. I don't know why I put up with this. Why do I trust people so much? Ha.

 

Lillian.

 

this ones for you.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: 7 things

Sometimes I wonder why I feel the way I do about some people. Especially you. I know you'll never find this and be able to read it, but I should get it out somewhere. Remember when we first met? It was your mysteriousness that kept me interested in you.. I looked past all those mean things you said and found myself fascinated by you. I wanted to know more about you. I remember you made me cry, and then you held me really tight and told me you didn't mean it.. that I wasn't really as annoying as you kept saying. Even through that, I knew there was something there to hold on to.. something important enough that I wanted to keep.

Ever since you last left me, once again with him, the one I love, (but don't I love you? That's the part that confused me from the start..) My mind never wanders far from what you're doing. Remembering all the nice things we talked about and did together.. holding my hand, walking endlessly and talking without stopping.. Through that I guess I saw your lie. I could feel it. Even though I kept asking about how you are, even though I miss you a little... Subconsciously I knew what you were really about. And that's the thing that really screwed me over. You almost suceeded -- how does it feel? To lie to someone who accidentally developed feelings for you, and almost destroy something so important.. I don't know what I'd do if he left me because of your games. You messed with parts of me I didn't even know were messed with, and you almost tore us apart. But now that I know.... I won't let it happen. 

Even if I have to deal with you forever. It won't happen. Even if you (and him..) look at other girls, think about how much better it would be with them.. cause they're prettier than me, sluttier than me, more appealing maybe? And I wonder why I've relapsed into such a dangerous disorder that kept me at under a few bites a day and constant self-loathing and that one time.. I told myself I'd only do it once, but it's not the way to undo what's done. It only leaves me with an empty stomach, minty fresh breath, bloodshot eyes and.. then what? Sure, no one would expect, but still... the horror stories about bellies ruptured and addiction.... That's not something I'd want to do all the time.. And it makes me sick to realize I did it all for you. Without realizing, I knew you two looked at other girls... I knew the thoughts that ran through your head and I guess I wanted you to love me so much that I changed everything for you.. and he hates it. And you know it. It drives him insane when I complain about it.....

I guess all I can say is the way I feel about you is completely tainted.... you hate me, you're bored of me.. but I want you to love me so bad that I swore I'd kill you if you wouldn't...... to me, you're too beautiful to share...

And I'll probably always question that dream.. obviously I'll never say it but it felt so real that it left bruises... You were so mad at me, I probably thought you were him, but then i realized you weren't as soon as you grabbed my wrist and threw me down the stairs. Then you were dragging me by my arm... all I remember is passing out as soon as you threw me on something.. soft... And the whole time I never once thought to fight back or try to hurt you.

I guess I really just wish we could come to an understanding. I know we can fix things if I could just see you for more than one day, and talk to you. The only thing that scares me is.. when I'm not missing you.... I'm missing him...

 lily.

 [ps. this ones for you.]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD22Mk_cfJE

summer
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: sakura biyori -- hoshimura mai / d-tecnolife -- uverworld

Have you ever thought finally, I have something so important to me thats seemingly rock solid. You feel like things are going great, and you're ready to take the next step, but then.. maybe the other person says that they're not ready, speaking for the both of you. It really makes me wonder how long he thinks things are going to be bad, I mean, it's summertime. It's our season. And I thought things were better than ever, especially after last night together. Maybe he just needs some reassurance, but it's really hard when someone's expecting the worst when you're really trying your best. Things I don't like talking about happened, things that changed my mind when it comes to being with someone, that I can't help, but I have a friend who's really helping me out and trying to make me feel better. And I feel so much better already. It's a different feeling, almost freeing. I feel so much more like myself than I have in a long time. For a while I thought I had it back, but now I know for sure that everything, with me at least, is going to be okay. Maybe all he really needs is time, time to reassure him how good everything will be. This is the single most important relationship in my life, and I'll do anything I can to help it along, and develop it even more.<3

 

  lilyy

maybe a little more.
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: let me sign -- robert pattinson

So I'm drawn back here for the second time in two days, finding myself attached to something so open that no one could ever know where I put these things. Links removed, hints remain yet somehow I don't know if anyone could really ever find what I'm saying.

I'll take this as a chance to put out everything that should mean nothing to me.. as I sit here I can remember dreams from last night, the image floods through my head again and again. But how can I confuse them? I know the feeling around them is so much of the same, yet they are two completely different people. I saw him again. He walked past me in a group of two or three other people, faced blurred just as my memory of our last passing. He smiled at me as I walked past, face as blank as ever, watching as if I knew it weren't real. What is this supposed to mean? Perhaps my subconscious recognizes them as the same, yet consciously I feel completely different about each of them. 

And sometimes I can still remember that night. There was so much yelling, so much screaming and tears everywhere. All I remember is crashing into his bookcase, collapsing to the floor without a sound at all. I can remember such anger in his eyes, an anger so dangerous I knew I'd never seen anything like it. And I knew I'd try so hard to prevent from seeing it again. I remember how much it hurt, I could feel it, even after I managed to leave.... And the more I think about it, I remember other times, too. I remember that night. As dark and silent as the deepest pits of Hell, it was as if everything I knew and trusted had completely turned inside out. Even though the most beautiful thing came of it, I still can somehow find it in me to never forget just how terrible it really was.... and the bruises remain. It felt as if that time would never end, it was just a useless, unchanging cycle of violence and tears; and somehow I can forget about it as if it were someone else. But still, the memories remain..... 

Sometimes I think if I write things down I can get them out.. and never have to worry about them again. Most of the time it helps.

 Lily.

 

 

A Life Anew
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: silence

So I suppose this would be an opportune time to once again peek my head into a world of which I thought to be forever lost. Curiousity poked at me as I clicked onto a page of which I hadn't officially been on in ages, which lead me to such a link. Reading thoughts of the past has proven time and time again utterly unreal, indescribably nostalgic. Things I had once thought important or real to me now only remain in memory. Fond memory of when I was young. At last, I find a bit more of the lost information I had once thought to be obscure, safe from all eyes who knew me now. After all, this is not me now as it is someone else, gathering wisdom and memories as if they were valuable jewels once lost. It's strange how so much can change over the course of a few years, how much can be lost and what language can be found to change the way thoughts are put out in writing. However, so much has been found, changed, formed; the foundation of my life has been completed in such a poetic, yet tragically beautiful fashion. 

 I take this opportunity to once again write the words that are so easy to find, yet never will be discovered. Unless of course, you have learned to follow the courses of my life, starting backwards....

So very bored
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: random
Gotta love Gackt.
My day has been boring so far.
I need to dump the bf. Maybe become a lesbian. yes, i think i have given up all hope on guys. too many baka men.
christine said she'd try to introduce me to some girls she knows... problem: most of them are 17+. That doesnt bother me... if theyre anything like guys, they should like me ok. i shouldnt be too young... eep!
well, i bought this month's issue of shonen-jump, and i cant wait to get home and read it. the library closes in about 45 minutes, and that is when i will leave. i hope i dont bump into the bf on my way home, cuz then ill have to just dump him and get it overwith.... eep!! i was hoping to do it over the phone.... for my own safety... just in case he gets really mad. i think i could take him, and he doesnt seem the abusive type, but you never know. maybe after its done and overwith he will realize what a cold hearted bitch i am?
i mean, it is not my fault- im just like that. cold, uncaring, and i have not yet let many people into my heart for real. never trust anyone. but i cant help but trust joe. my bestest friend. :D anyone else can kiss my ass if they think they are 100% trusted.
sure, i trust people, but not as much as normal people would. too many bad humans out there... with nasty rotten blood. then again, there are the ones who go to their churches whos blood is also gross. evil blood. it is what i dislike the most about people. even the bf has evil blood. joe has somewhat evil blood. i can not take blood from him because of that. what a waste... i can make his blood better though... i will make it takeable. dans blood is okay for emergencies, but it is a little watery to tell you the absolute truth. he needs more iron in his diet XD.
well, nothing much more to say right now, and i hope i can write some more before december...
luvvs
xxx lily xxx

Here Again
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: once again- at library!
Topic: random
Well, the library just opened and I was waiting at the door.... as usual (on wednesdays) Wait, is wednesday capitalized? Ohhh, Mr Kempton(<3) would have my head for that... woopsies <3 <3 <3 Thats okay though! We're on to bigger and... ehh... other things. Yes, not better than Mr. K <3 <3 Gods, I hope nobody else from my school is reading this... Ohhhh welllll... it's not like it's not obvious anyway... *winks at you* Not trying too hard to hide it... Anyways, instead of rambling on about my english teacher (<3) Im gonna ramble on about.... Stuff. I dont really know what kind of stuff. Just.... stuff. I got my (last months issue!) of Shonen Jump!! WOOTWOOT! I ordered it through my sisters school, and it finally came in today!! I have Octobers issue already, and I was lucky I didnt get a double... hehe! Yeah, not much else to say today, things have been going good with Charlie (the boyfriend)... yep.. and Im all alone here... at the library... lalalaaaa at the liiiibraryyyyyy *breaks into an Excel-like song (Excel from the Excel Saga...)* liiiibrary liiiiiiiiiibrary, yes I am at the liiiiiiiibraryyyyyyyy woootie woooooooooot!! *is bored... cant you TELL!?!?* Im gonna go nowww :)

Randomness
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: nothing... in the library
Topic: random
Life has gone downhill since Ive last written. The parental units have removed cable and internet, and I think the corrupted world has worsened. The ignorant masses have been particularly annoying, sending Lord Ilpalazzo into an uproar of chaos. He pulls the cord on Excel far too much nowadays. It seems Hyatt, Cricket and I have to work twice as hard, as to make sure the world does not get any worse... hah! It seems a near impossible job, yet I shall continue to do whatever my Lord Ilpalazzo says... (its the long hair... I swear!)
well, I must bike home (three miles) in five minutes... it would seem I am in trouble with the parental units (in five minutes... seems as though it is 5:55 and I need to arrive at my secret hideout from ACROSS, oops, I mean my house... at 6:00)
Lord Ilpalazzoooooo!!!!

*runs off*


(lotsa love to sasuke!)

5-3-05
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: "somebody told me" by the killers
Topic: random
yahoo music is a wonderful thing...
-anyways-
today was as boring as ever. once again i was called a crappy cleric, but im almost positive he was joking :)i mean, hey! its rick. of course hes joking. i have to admit i am sort of a crappy cleric.. shes a bit odd, i might add. heheh. doing things youre not supposed to do during a battle. for example, we had to battle an army of pseudodragons, so my cleric picked one up in her winter blanket and gave it food. yes. she comforted it. it became her pet. she had it until the next room when a fellow traveler decided to kill it, skin it, and make it into a coat. yes. it made my cleric sad. she had a burial for it in the corner of the room and everything. the rest of my day was pretty boring, but i really need to catch up on my japanese independent study. really badly. i need to practice (and memorize) simple phrases, hiragana (one of the three alphabets of the language- yes, theres three) and i need to work on tenses. you know, past future present etc. i dont think im gonna be able to read all of "the secret life of bees" before next class. heh. anyone ever read it? and if so can you tell me some main points and stuff that happens in chapters 11 thru the end? id have to bow to you. only once, though!! for i am the ruler of all that is and all that will be!!! 'you say psycho like its a bad thing!' sorry- im using invader zim quotes again. terrible me, terrible me. oh well!!! i miss my bf. hes in new york for a while to attend (yes i said attend) his uncles funeral :(. rip, travis's uncle. yeah, my bf is sexy. hehe.. he kinda looks like billie joe from greenday, too!! hes awesome. if youre reading this, trav, i love you!! ;) and i miss u. well, perhaps i shall write more later. i shall utilize this computer to do other things.
~namarie~