****************************************************
The Commandments
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. 
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. 
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." 
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. 
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: 
"Rub-A-dub- dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 

Work Prayer

Grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the Wisdom
to hide the Bodies of those People
I had to kill today because they pissed me off,
and also, 
help me to be careful of the Toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the Ass
that I might have to kiss tomorrow.
************************************
Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town
Here we have some rules, let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
Duloc is a perfect place

Keep your feet off the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your...face
Duloc is, Duloc is
Duloc is a perfect place
**********************************

******************************************************
*********
Bobo http://www.snpp.com/episodes/1F01.html Rosebud
********
Pokey Mom
% Marge tries to wake Homer up one weekend.  It's a task that's easier
% said than done.  When the traditional methods fail, she uses the
% power-adjustable mattress to set Homer upright.  Still, he doesn't
% wake up, until mattress closes around him like a clamshell.  A red
% liquid runs out onto the floor.  Horrified, Marge opens the mattress
% and is relieved to find out that it is a juice box, not her husband,
% who has been crushed.

Marge:	Sorry, Homey, but you promised to take me to the apron 
	expo today.
Homer:	Just give me ten more hours.  [rolls over to go back to 
	sleep]
Marge:	Come on, you and the kids always want to do fun stuff.  
	But today we're doing something I like.
	[Homer groans sleepily]
	They're unveiling a combination apron-smock.  [unfolds a 
	brochure from the expo and shows it to Homer] It's called 
	a "smapron."
Homer:	Did you say, "smockron?"
Marge:	No, "smapron."
Homer:	Oh.  [goes back to sleep]

% Marge literally drags Homer out of bed, and the family goes to the
% apron expo, which is so exciting that the writers decided not to
% bother showing any of it.  On the drive home, the Simpsons talk
% about the stuff they picked up at the apron show.  Lisa has a
% "Barbecue is Murder" apron she'll wear on the Fourth of July.  Bart
% has a lead apron to protect him from "downstairs."  Homer has a "Grrrrl Power"
% apron, which he misread as "Grill Power," which has flowers all over it.
 Only Marge was disappointed -- too many aprons at the expo.
Homer: [laughs] grill power
********************************************************
% Homer's looking forward to relaxing in bed with another juice box,
% but abruptly changes his mind when he passes a prison rodeo.  The
% family (well, Homer really) decides to stop and watch.


% The first man rides a bucking bronco, but is quickly thrown to the
% ground with a crunch.

Warden:	Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks.  He's in here for 
	erecting a nativity scene on city property.
	[audience boos loudly]
Marge:	There's so much evil in the world.

% The second rodeo contestant successfully hog-ties a calf.  He pulls
% a knife to the calf's throat, and the warden reminds him that there
% will be no slaughtering today.  The convict tries convincing the
% warden that he and the calf were "just having a conversation."
Convict: Hey, we was just havin a conversation. [to calf] Ain't that right?
Calf nods, eyes fearfully wide.

% The warden introduces Jack Crowley, who is supposedly such a low-
% life that Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him behind bars.  The bull
% quickly throws him into the wall.

Warden:		Oh, he's down!  And it looks like old Tornado wants 
		to caramelize his crème brûlée.
Moe:		Yeah!  Do that!
Marge:		Somebody help him!
Homer:		Relax.  They got rodeo clowns.
		[cut to clown dressing room]
Clown 1:	Is my lipstick even?
Clown 2:	Go like this.  [smacks lips]

% Marge tries to save Jack's hide by calling the bull, but isn't able
% to get the animal's attention.

Homer:	That's not going to do it, Marge; you need something red.  
	[picks up Lisa, and waves her over the stadium railing]
	Hey, Toro!  Here's something to gore!
Lisa:	Da-a-ad!
Homer:	Not now, honey, Daddy's busy.
	[it works; the bull begins to charge toward Homer and 
	Lisa]
	[pulls Lisa back into the stadium] Now, for a little 
	calming blue.  [turns to Bart] Hey, where's your blue 
	shirt.
Bart:	I don't have a blue shirt.
******************************************************
Marge:	A convict painted that?
Warden:	Yep.
Marge:	Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift.
Warden:	You kiddin'?  Look -- [shows another painting] he painted 
	a unicorn in outer space.  I'm asking you:  What's it 
	breathin'?
Homer:	Air?
Warden:	Ain't no air in space.
Homer:	There's an air-in-space museum.

% The guards toss Homer out of prison.  He gets up and leaves with
% Marge.  On the way out, they pass convicts raking leaves into piles,
% except for Jack.  He has raked his multicolored leaves into a
% beautiful picture of a sunset, which impresses Marge.  She doesn't
% have long to appreciate Jack's artistry, as the wind kicks up and
% blows away the leaves.  Both he and Marge sigh sadly.

% Meanwhile, in the prison's exercise yard, Bart bench-presses some
% weights.

Lisa:	They are coming back for us, aren't they?
Bart:	I dunno.  [continues pumping iron]
********************************************************
Lisa:	How's your back, Dad?
Homer:	Well, there's a dull ache, certainly.  And overlaid on 
	that is a club sandwich of pain.  Only instead of bacon, 
	there's agony.  Marge, could I have a BLT?
	[Marge is staring out the window]
	What are you looking at?
	[In her mind's eye, Marge sees Waterville State 
	Penitentiary]
Marge:	Oh, nothing.  How would you feel if I did some volunteer 
	work at the prison?
Homer:	First, I'd feel like having a BLT.  Then, proud of you.
********************************************************
Marge:		Welcome to, "Freeing the Artist Within."  Not 
		literally, of course.  [chuckles.  Her students are 
		dead silent and stare at her.  We hear a shotgun 
		cocking]
		Okay.  Now, I wanted to paint fresh fruit, but the 
		prison cafeteria would only give me sauerkraut.  
		[empties a big can of sauerkraut onto a table.  The 
		prisoners make disgusted noises]
		That's depressing.  Let's let a little sunshine in.  
		[draws the shade.  The shadows of the bars fall on 
		the sauerkraut, making it look like it's in a cell.  
		The prisoners groan again]
		Oh.  [a prisoner raises his hand]
Prisoner:	Can I smell your dress?  [prisoners laugh]
Jack:		[grabs the prisoner by the collar and pulls him face to face]
                            Hey!  You show some respect -- this one here's not for smellin'.  
		[lets him go]
Marge:		Why, thank you, Jack.
Jack:		No problem.  Now, let's paint.
Prisoner:	[to Jack] Hey, can I smell your clothes?
                [Caption says: Hey can you hold me close again?]
********************************************************
% Marge continues to guide her art students.  She advises one man to
% use a brushing stroke, rather than a stabbing motion, to paint a
% picture of a man killing a judge.  Next, she turns to Jack, who has
% created a painting of a stone angel statue coming to life and flying
% to the heavens.  She wonders how a sensitive soul like Jack wound up
% in the pokey.  Jack confesses that he shot Apu.  Marge does a deft
% job of rationalizing this, remarking that shooting Apu now carries
% only a US$100 fine.

Jack:	Maybe I belong in here.  I got a lot of anger.
Marge:	I don't see any anger.  [motions toward the painting] I 
	see a yearning for freedom.  Do you have a title?
Jack:	"A Time to Kill."
Marge:	Titles are hard.
********************************************************
% Marge tells the kids that Jack, her "diamond in the rough," is up
% for parole.  The cookies are to help win the favor of the parole
% board.  Bart asks for one, but Marge tells him he has to finish his
% sundae.  Bart reluctantly takes a couple more bites and swallows hard.
********************************************************
% Jack's parole hearing convenes.

Warden:	Lady, I know he charmed you with some "please"s and "thank 
	you"s, but he wasn't so polite to the guy he shot.
Apu:	Actually, he was.  He waited with me 'till the ambulance 
	came, then ran like a deer.
Warden:	Well, that's mighty nice, but if I let this creep out, 
	would you like him skulking around your neighborhood?
Marge:	Honestly, it wouldn't bother me.
	[the parole board members confer amongst themselves]
Warden:	Well, lady, I'm gonna call your bluff.  The prisoner is 
	hereby paroled into your custody.  [bangs gavel]
Marge:	[gasps] Oh, oh my goodness.
Jack:	I'm free?  [tries hugging her, but accidentally chokes her 
	with his handcuffs] Jeez, I'm sorry.  Sorry!  [loops the 
	chain of his handcuffs over Marge's hair, so he can hug 
	her without killing her] You won't regret this.
********************************************************
% Homer rakes up some leaves and puts them in a trash can, which
% aggravates his back condition.

Homer:	Oh, my back!  Dr. Steve didn't do anything.
Bart:	Did you do those exercises he gave you?
Homer:	Yeah, right.  I did 'em while you were studying.
	[the both laugh.  Bart gives Homer a high five, and Homer 
	falls backward over a trash can] Oh!  Ow!
Bart:	Dad?  Are you okay?
Homer:	Yeah.  In fact, [gets up] I feel fantastic.  [does a 
	little dance]
Bart:	That trash can must have un-kinked your back.
Homer:	Not trash can, son -- Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-
	Cylinder!  [protectively] Patent pending.[Patent pending.Patent pending.]
********************************************************
Lenny:	So, Homer.  You think you can fix my sciatica?
Homer:	I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say, "yes."  
	Now, go limp.
Lenny:	I'm limp.
Homer:	One, two, better not sue.  [pushes Lenny backward over the 
	trashcan]
Lenny:	Ow.  Hey, it worked!  My searing leg pain is now a gentle 
	numbness.  [leaves]
Homer:	Next!
Frink:	Yes.  Uh, my car seems to have broken down, and I was 
	wondering if I could use your-- [Homer pushes him over the 
	can] Oh, that's a pushing motion ...
Steve:	[walks in] Simpson!  You're not a licensed chiropractor, 
	and you're stealing patients from me and from Dr. Steffi.
Homer:	Boy, talk about irony.  The AMA tries to drive you guys 
	out of business, now you're doing the same to me.  Think 
	about the irony.
Steve:	[grabs Homer by the collar] You've been warned.  Stop 
	chiropracting.
Homer:	Not unless you think about the irony.
********************************************************
Skinner:	Dear Lord, what are you doing?
Jack:		You don't like it?
Skinner:	No, no, it's all wrong.  The shapely female form has 
		no place in art.
Jack:		But, what I thought is --
Skinner:	I sketched out exactly what I wanted.
Jack:		Yeah, I know, but see what I was going for here -- 
Skinner:	Did you even look at the napkin?  [unfolds a napkin, 
		which has Skinner's concept for the mural drawn on 
		it.  It's a cloying picture of a happy cartoon puma 
		holding hands with a boy and girl, walking under a 
		rainbow]
		Oh, I was in the zone that day.
********************************************************

% Jack works out his frustrations by doing pull-ups in the basement. 
% Marge encourages him to go along with Skinner's demands, at least
% until he establishes himself as an artist.  Jack agrees.  He also
% asks Marge for permission to make booze in the washing machine. 
% Marge insists he finish his sundae first.  As Jack reluctantly eats
% the dessert, Marge wonders what the problem is with her sundaes.
Marge: After you finish your sundae
Jack struggles eating it
Marge: [groans] what's wrong w/ my sundaes?
********************************************************
% In the garage, Homer finishes treating Moe's back.

Homer:	Okay, that should do it, Moe.
Moe:	Hey, it don't hurt no more.  Now I can focus on my 
	crippling emotional pain.  [looks off in the distance] Oh, 
	Daddy, Daddy, why?  Why won't you hug me?  You hugged the 
	mailman.
	[two well-dressed men enter the garage]
Man 1:	Excuse me, sir, is this "El Clinico Magnifico?"
Homer:	Ah, you saw our bus ad.
Man 2:	We'd, uh, like to invest in your spinal adjustment device.
Homer:	We might be able to do business.  [giggles to himself]
Man 1:	We'll need to take some photographs.  [the two men take 
	the Spine-O-Cylinder and walk out of the garage]
	[Homer tries to stop them by closing the garage door, but 
	the men limbo under it]
Homer:	Wait a minute -- no investor can bend like that.
Moe:	They're chiropractors!
	[outside, the two men are bashing the Cylinder with 
	doctors' models of the spinal cord.  Dr. Steve waits in a 
	nearby truck]
Steve:	C'mon, c'mon, let's go!  [the two men get in the truck, 
	which peels out]
Homer:	No!  My Spine-O-Cylinder!  They'll pay for what they did 
	to my can.
Moe:	[consoling] Forget it, Homer.  It's Chiro-town.
********************************************************
% Just then Milhouse runs into the room, warning that the school is on
% fire.  Specifically, it is the mural that is burning, leading
% Skinner to suspect that Jack is the culprit.  Marge tries to defend
% Jack, but accidentally lets it slip that he's an ex-convict.  "Dear
% Lord," Skinner says, "I've peed in front of him!"
********************************************************
Skinner:	That felon could have torched the whole school, were 
		it not stuffed with asbestos.
Wiggum:		We'll catch Crowley.  And then he'll learn the fine 
		art of police brutality.
********************************************************
% Marge finds Jack hiding in a play pipe.  He assures her that he
% didn't burn the mural, tells her to look him in the eyes and tells 
her he didin't burn the mural, and Marge hatches a plan to help him out. 
% Carrying a paper bag, she approaches Skinner and Wiggum.

Marge:		Oh, Chief!  I found some evidence that points to the 
		real arsonist.  [points to the bag]
Wiggum:		Well, let's see it.
Marge:		Not yet.  You have to guess what it is.
Skinner:	We don't have time for guessing games!
Wiggum:		Nah, let's try it.  It might be fun.  Is it DNA?
Marge:		[noncommittal] Hrmm.
Wiggum:		So, it's like DNA.  Um, a hatchet?
Skinner:	You had a turn.  I want to guess.
Marge:		[looks offscreen] Oh, Jeez ...
		[cut to Skinner's car, which is ablaze.  Jack, 
		holding a gas can, dances around it maniacally]
Skinner:	My car!
Jack:		[cackles] Puma pride!  Puma pride!  [laughs] Catch 
		the fever, Skinner!

% Jack, naturally, is arrested.  As he sits in the back of Wiggum's
% cruiser, Marge gives him a piece of her mind.

Marge:	You crumb-bum!  You looked me right in the eye and lied to 
	me.
Jack:	Marge, this is the God's truth:  I burned the mural, but I 
	did not burn Skinner's car.
Marge:	I just saw you!  Get him out of here, Chief.
Wiggum:	Yes, ma'am.
********************************************************

% Wiggum and Jack drive into the sunset.

Wiggum:	My wife and I like watching that "Oz" show on HBO.  Uh, is 
	... is prison really like that?
Jack:	Wouldn't know.  We only get basic cable.
Wiggum:	Ouch.  I also like that "Sex in the City."  None of those 
	girls looks like my wife.  [laughs]
Jack:	"Sportscenter's" not bad.
Wiggum:	Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack:	What's to get?  They just tell the scores.
Wiggum:	Yeah, I suppose, yeah.  Hey, ya meet any Mob guys?  Are 
	they really like the Sopranos?
Jack:	I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum:	Oh right, right, right.  Listen, if I'm getting too 
	chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack:	Ah, I'm enjoying it.  Hey, you ever watch them strongman 
	contests?  They're pretty good.  Those guys look strong.  
	Other guys in prison say they're gay, but I don't know; 
	they look strong to me.
********************************************************

********************************************************
Skinner's Sense of Snow
Announcer:	The following schools are closed today:  
		Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and 
		Springfield Elementary ... [Bart gasps] My Dear 
		Watson Detective School
Bart:		[groans]
Announcer:	And lastly, Springfield Elementary School ...
Bart + Lisa:	Yay!
Announcer:	... is open.
Bart + Lisa:	[groan]
Announcer:	And it's open season on savings at Springfield 
		Menswear ... which is closed.
Bart:		Oh, everyone's off but us.
Marge:		Oh, stop.  Your father and I don't get the day off.
Homer:		[runs by the kitchen doorway] Lenny says we got the 
		day off!  Yippee!  [runs outside]
*************************************************************
% Homer runs out to make a snow angel.  He's disappointed when it once
% again becomes a snow devil, with pitchfork and horns.
Homer: Aww why does that always happen?
********************************************************
% His disappointment pales next to the kids, who have to endure a
% wildly out-of-control bus ride on Springfield's icy streets.  To
% Bart, it looks like everyone in the world has a snow day but the
% students.  The luckier townspeople frolic in the park.  Wiggum
% writes his name in the snow, apparently using the time-honored
% method employed by men and boys everywhere.  He asks Lou to "shake
% out the last few drops," and Lou does so -- as we learn that Wiggum
% was really "writing" with a thermos full of coffee.
********************************************************
% Don't get your hopes up, kids.  Skinner's talking about, "The
% Christmas That Almost Wasn't But Then Was," a black-and-white film
% from the 30s.  It starts out with Santa Claus consulting with what's
% obviously a stuffed reindeer.

Santa:		Ho, ho, ho!  What's that, Blitzen?  Why, yes, it is 
		Christmas Eve.
Elf:		I'm happy.
		[three little people wearing fake-y make-up burst 
		through the front door]
		[gasps] It's the Christmas hobgoblins!
		[the hobgoblins run in and start knocking things 
		over]
Nelson:		Hey, what the hell is this?
Skinner:	[laughs] It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.
-- "Skinner's Sense of Snow"
% The movie drags on.  A Christmas hobgoblin serenades Little Bo Peep.

Hobgoblin:	[singing]
		I will always love you,
		I will always be true,
		Spend my days pitching woo,
		                to you.
Milhouse:	Oh, he's been singing for two hours.
Lisa:		This couldn't have less to do with Christmas.  And I 
		think that's a stagehand.
		[in the movie, a man walks on set, and then quickly 
		backs off]
Bo Peep:	And I love you, too.
		And you and you and you,
		Oh, you and me,
		Together we can see ...
		[the film breaks, thankfully]
Nelson:		Ha-ha!  Next time, get a DVD.
Skinner:	This *is* a DVD.
		[ejects a flaming DVD from the projector, and stamps 
		it out]
********************************************************
% The kids run out of the classroom, but don't get far.  The school is
% snowed in, with the snow literally piled up higher than the first
% floor.  All the exits are blocked.

Nelson:		We're trapped in the school!
		[kids scream]
Milhouse:	We're gonna miss Christmas!
		[kids scream louder]
Skinner:	I fixed the DVD!
		[loudest scream of all]
********************************************************
% Kent Brockman reports on the big snowstorm, which has recently been
% upgraded to a Class III Kill Storm.

Brockman:	And where are the city's snowplows?  Sold off to 
		billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm 
		of poor planning.
		[cut a room on Burns's manor, where he and Smithers 
		use two of the plows and a giant rubber ball to play 
		snowplow polo]
		[Burns scores a goal]
Burns:		He shoots, he scores!
Smithers:	Perfect form, sir.
		[cut back to the Simpsons' living room]
Marge:		This is terrible!  How will the kids get home?
Homer:		I dunno.  Internet?
********************************************************
% The storm has brought the phone lines down, so it looks like Skinner
% and the kids are stuck at the school.  The students lament their
% lost plans, but Skinner is unsympathetic.

Nelson:		I can cut a trail through this snow.  I'm part 
		Eskimo.
Skinner:	I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi.  No one 
		leaves the building.
Bart:		This stinks!  We'll miss the "Itchy & Scratchy" 
		where they finally kiss.
Skinner:	I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi -- 
		you're not going home.
Sherri:		That's so unfair.
Nelson:		This blows.
Milhouse:	Skinner's the real Grinch!
********************************************************
% Homer and Flanders plan to rescue the children from the snowbound
% school.  The two men sit in Ned's Geo, with a section of house roof
% attached to the front serving as a plow blade.

	[Homer starts the car]
Ned:	Well, I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't 
	sawed off my roof.
Homer:	My car, your roof; it's only fair.
Ned:	But it's my car.
Homer:	Well, yeah.
Ned:	Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow 
	business?
Homer:	I never had a snowplow business.
Ned:	Sure you did -- Mr. Plow.  You're wearing the jacket right 
	now.
Homer:	I think I know my own life, Ned.  [singing] Call Mr. Plow, 
	that's my name; that name again is Mr. Plow.  [drives out 
	of Flanders's driveway, knocking down his mailbox as he 
	goes]
********************************************************
The next thing we know, he appears at the cafeteria entry wearing his
% Vietnam-era uniform, and really lays down the law:  no talking out
% of turn, and no leaving the room.
Skinner: Stand down children!
Everyone stands up or sits down
Skinner: I said stand down children!
Everyone falls down, sits down, or is standing up. Ralph is standing with one leg in the air.
********************************************************
% Homer and Flanders slowly make their way to the school, careening
% off snowbanks as they go.

Ned:	I think we hit something.
Homer:	I hope it's Flanders!  [laughs, then notices Ned glaring 
	at him] I'm just kidding.  Hey, you're all right.  
	[playfully punches Flanders on the arm]
********************************************************
% Meanwhile, it's lights-out for the children.  Skinner sets a bucket
% by Bart's head in case any of the students need to "answer nature's
% call" during the night.
Bart: Hey! [complains]
****************************************************************
Skinner:	I know it looks like the path to freedom, but one 
		collapse and -- presto! -- you've got a snow casket.
Bart:		I was gonna put buttresses in.
Skinner:	Gonna, wounna, shounna.  Willie, destroy it.
		[as the students protest, Willie inspects the 
		tunnel]
Willie:		He did do a bonnie job, sir.
Skinner:	Defying orders, eh?  Well, I see you Scotsmen are 
		thrifty with courage, too.
Willie:		Okay, Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your 
		Willie around.  I quit!
Skinner:	Fine.  I'll do the job myself.  [pokes the roof with 
		a broom, which begins to crumble] Help!  It's caving 
		in!
		[the roof caves in on Skinner, leaving only his head 
		exposed.
Bart:		What's the problem, Seymour?  Stuck?
Skinner:	That's precisely the problem, and you know it.  Now 
		get me out of here!
Bart:		What's that?  You want the pee bucket on your head?  
		[mounts the bucket there]
Skinner:	No!  You're twisting my words.
		[the students cheer]
****************************************************************
% Bart makes Skinner write "I ain't not a dorkus" repeatedly on the
% blackboard.

Skinner:	I can't write this; it's a grammatical nightmare.
Bart:		[pokes him with a ruler] Mau!  Di-di mau!
Skinner:	I'm getting a cramp in my wrist.
Bart:		Oh, boo-hoo.  After all the times I've done it, my 
		wrist sounds like a cement mixer.  [demonstrates]
% Later, Bart makes Skinner try to climb a gym rope while still in the
% sack.  Nelson whips him every now and then with a towel.  Skinner
% protests that this is impossible, but gains no relief from Bart. 
% "What part of 'di-di mau' don't you understand," Bart says impatiently.
****************************************************************
% Nelson pulls Skinner's personnel file.

Nelson:		Hey, look how much money Skinner makes.  $25,000 a 
		year!
		[the students say, "wow"]
Bart:		[putting the numbers in a calculator] Let's see, 
		he's 40 years old times 25 grand -- whoa, he's a 
		millionaire.
		[the students sound impressed]
Skinner:	I wasn't a principal when I was 1!
Nelson:		Plus, in the summer, he paints houses.
Milhouse:	He's a billionaire!
		[the students say "wow" again]
Skinner:	If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with 
		my mother?  [the students laugh at him]
****************************************************************
% Skinner thinks of Nibbles, the school hamster, and sees a way out of
% the mess he's in.  He sneaks into the classroom where Nibbles's cage
% is kept, and writes an SOS note.  He places the note and the hamster
% in a hamster ball, and carefully places them on top of the snow by
% the window.  Nibbles scoots a few yards away from the school, then
% falls through the snow.  Skinner curses his luck as Nelson finds
% him.

Skinner:	Nelson, if you get me out of this, there's a hall 
		monitor position coming open in the spring.
Nelson:		I spit on your monitors.
Skinner:	I know.  That's why the position's available.
****************************************************************
% Meanwhile, Homer and Ned are still subdued by the fumes in
% Flanders's car.  Homer dreams that he is a sultan surrounded by
% dancing girls.

Homer:	Enough!  I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing.  
	Bring me my ranch dressing hose.  [claps twice]
	[the dancing girls bring a fire hose, which shoots ranch 
	dressing into Homer's open mouth.  A camel that nudges 
	Homer]
Camel:	[speaking with Flanders's voice] Homer, Homer.
	[back to reality]
Ned:	Homer, wake up!  The car's filling with ...
Homer:	I know -- ranch dressing.
	[Nibbles, still in his exercise ball, crashes through the 
	windshield]
	A hamster ball!
Ned:	Just like the one that saved Ezekiel!  [the men breathe 
	fresh air through the hole in the windshield]
Homer:	We're free -- and we got something to eat!
****************************************************************
% The ice around the car begins to melt, freeing the two Homer and
% Ned.  They head out for the school.  Homer notices that the Geo has
% cruise control.  "School, please," he asks, as he takes his hands
% off the wheel.  The car immediately begins to spin out of control,
% towards the cracker factory.
%
% Back at the school, the kids have started burning books in the
% library.

Bart:		So long, Johnny Tremaine.  Your Newberry award won't 
		save you now.  [chucks the book into the fire]
Skinner:	Not "Huck Finn!"  I spent hours crossing out the 
		sass-back!

% Flanders's car heads toward some silos at the factory.

Ned:	We're going to crash!
Homer:	Do you have airbags?
Ned:	No.  The Church opposes them for some reason.

% The car hits a silo containing cracker salt.  It tips over, and
% slides down a hill, conveniently landing at the doorstep of
% Springfield Elementary.  The salt melts the snow surrounding the
% school, allowing access to the front door.  The students hear the
% ruckus and realize that they are now free.  They run out the door in
% time to meet Homer and Ned, who pull up (a little worse for the
% wear) in the Geo.  The salt immediately rusts out the car.
%
% Nibbles, still in the exercise ball, rolls out of the car to
% Skinner.

Skinner: You did it, Nibbles.  Now, chew through my ball sack.
Nibbles looks up at Skinner not understanding.
****************************************************************
Homer:	Come on, kids.  Let's leave this awful place and never 
	come back.
	[Homer, Ned, Bart, and Lisa get in the car, and drive 
	away]
Bart:	Boy, that salt really ate through the car.
Lisa:	And the exhaust pipe is leaking.
Homer:	Whuh?
Lisa:	And furthermore ... [metamorphs into a camel-headed 
	creature] Hooonk!
Bart:	[as a dancing girl] Ignore her, effendi.  We have each 
	other.  [Arabesque music plays]
Homer:	Oooh, baby.  [cut to exterior shot of the car]
Bart:	Yaaah!  [the car begins to swerve around the road]
Homer:	It's no use struggling, my beloved chalamala.
	[Lisa-camel steps into frame from the left, and addresses 
	the audience]
Lisa:	Merry Christmas from the Simpsons!  Hooonk!  Hooonk!
****************************************************************

****************************************************************
Just then, an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, "Spay Anything", comes on the
TV.  Itchy stands in front of a sign, "WE PAY YOUR PETS $75", at
"Itchy's Cat Hospital", and Scratchy walks by.  Envisioning a quick
profit, Scratchy rushes into the building.  Itchy follows him in, to
reveal an "S" in front of "PAY" that was formerly concealed.  
****************************************************************
Homer reads another letter and panics for a moment, but then he realizes
it's for Bart: "DIE BART DIE", again in red ink.  Many letters are shown
laid out on the table, all in red ink, except for one conspicuous
letter, which says "I KILL YOU SCUM" in black ink instead of red.  Homer
confesses having written it after Bart somehow put a tattoo reading
"WIDE LOAD" on Homer's butt.  Everyone laughs hard, even Marge.  Nelson
happens to be at the window, and he laughs too.
****************************************************************
[cheerfully] All right, this is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the
message, "I am coming to kill you slowly _and_ painfully."
****************************************************************
   Marge: [threateningly] Bart, I am going to _get_ you...[brandishes
          some scissors]
    Bart: [gasps]
   Marge: [cheerfully] ...some ice cream at the store, since I'm saving
          so much money on Diet Cola!  [holds up a coupon]
[Scene switches to Flanders outside]
Flanders: [threateningly] Say your prayers, Simpson...[brandishes a
          glove with knives on the fingers]
    Bart: [gasps]
Flanders: [cheerfully] ...because the schools can't force you like they
          should!  [clips the hedge] Maude, these new finger razors make
          hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
           [Scene switches to Bart's classroom]
    Edna: [threateningly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
    Bart: [gasps]
    Edna: [sweetly] ...in our school production of "Lizzie Borden",
          starring Martin Prince as Lizzie.
           [Shot of Martin in drag]
  Martin: [with an axe] Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!
****************************************************************
Bob is writing another letter, "SEE YOU SOON BART".  Afterward, he
decides to write to "Reader's Digest".

  Bob: [narrating aloud] Dear "Life in these United States", a funny
       thing happened to me...uh...[faints]
Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
****************************************************************
At the parole hearings, the committee grants parole to Snake, the
reformed convict.  Next up is "Bob Terwilliger, a. k. a.  Sideshow Bob."
Sideshow Bob says goodbye to his cellmate.

  Bob: Take care, Snake.  May the next time we meet be under more...
       _felicitous_ circumstances.
Snake: [not understanding] Guh?
  Bob: Take care.
Snake: Buh.
****************************************************************
Wiggum: [miffed] Sideshow Bob has no decency.  He called me "Chief
        Piggum!"
         [everyone laughs]
        Heh, now I get it.  That's good.
****************************************************************
Selma's up next, and she explains, "Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our
honeymoon."  The crowd whispers among themselves, shocked at the
revelation.  But Bob's lawyer asks craftily, "How many people in this
court are thinking of killing her right now?"  A few spectators glumly
put their hands up.  "Be honest," he admonishes, and many more hands go
up, even a priest's.  Even Patty raises her hand: "Aw, she's always
leaving the toilet seat up."
****************************************************************
Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest?  Doesn't it say, "Die
         Bart, Die?"
    Bob: [conciliatorily] No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
          [The spectators laugh, understanding]
Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
******************************************************************
Bart+Lisa: Aah!  Sideshow Bob!
     Bart: _You_ wrote me those letters.
    Marge: You awful man!  Stay away from my son.
      Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right.  [evilly] Stay
           away...forever!
    Homer: [quaking] No!
      Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good.
            [Starts to walk away, then runs back]
           Wait!  I've got a good one now.  Marge, say, "Stay away from
           my son," again.
    Marge: [angrily] No!
      Bob: [groaning] Oh...
****************************************************************
  Wiggum: Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without _me_ knowing.  And once
          a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and
          legal.
   Homer: [nefariously] Is that so?  [calls out window] Oh, Flanders!
          Won't you join me in my kitchen?  Heh, heh, heh...
  Wiggum: Er, it doesn't work if you invite him.
Flanders: [effusively] Heidily hey!
   Homer: [truculently] Go home!
Flanders: [congenially] Toodily doo!
****************************************************************
Homer decides to enlist the help of a local vigilante.

Man: Now don't you fret.  When I'm through, he won't set foot in this
     town again.  I can be very, _very_ persuasive.  [reloads his gun]
      [Scene change to a bar]
Man: [whining] C'mon, leave town!
Bob: No.
Man: I'll be your friend?
Bob: No.
Man: Aw, you're mean!
****************************************************************
Sideshow Bob becomes more daring.  He drives through the neighborhood in
an ice cream truck, naming the people he won't kill.  When he gets to
the Simpson house, he mentions every name except Bart's, even "that
little baby Simpson".  Homer is overjoyed his life won't be snuffed out,
and he races up to impart the good news to Bart, but Bart only looks
glum.
****************************************************************
Agent: Tell you what, sir.  From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson
       at Terror Lake.  Let's just practise a bit, hmm?  When I say,
       "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [stares blankly]
Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [stares blankly]
        [A long time later]
Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson,"
       and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson!  [stomps on Homer's foot a few times]
Homer: [stares blankly]
        [Homer to other agent in sotto voice] I think he's talking to _you_.
****************************************************************
The details are finally arranged.  The FBI agents give Homer the keys to
a new convertible.  Little do they know that Sideshow Bob has strapped
himself under their car...of course, the ride isn't so easy for the
villain, what with the speed bumps and scalding coffee Homer throws over
the side of the car.  Even worse...

Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
 Bart: Yeah!
 Lisa: Yeah!
  Bob: [disguising his voice from under the car] No!
Homer: Well, two against one!
****************************************************************
Sideshow Bob has meanwhile extricated himself from under the car.  He
has the misfortune of stepping onto ground where someone has left a
bunch of rakes lying around.  
****************************************************************
Bart walks down the street, when he hears a voice say coldly, "Hello,
Bart."  It's Sideshow Bob strapped to the bottom of another car.  Bart
asks what Bob wants, but Bob plays innocent: "Surely there's no harm in
laying the middle of a public street?"  Bob didn't figure on the parade
that comes marching along, complete with elephants, as "Terror Lake
celebrates Hannibal crossing the Alps."  Bart rushes home to tell his
parents.
****************************************************************
Bart tosses and turns in bed, unable to sleep.  He eyes pop open as his
door opens stealthily and a butcher knife appears.  A madman jumps in,
yelling incoherently, and Bart screams.  
Homer: Bleebeblablorojseryey! Do you want a brownie?! [Looks at the knife] 
ohhh you're scared about that Sideshow Bob thing...heh
But it turns out to be Homer,
offering Bart a warm brownie.  Bart admonishes Homer for frightening him
so, and Homer realizes, "Oh, the Sideshow Bob thing."  He apologizes,
kisses Bart and leaves.

No sooner has Bart closed his eyes that another madman springs into the
room!  
Homer: Doyouwannaseemynewchainsawandhockey mask!!!!!!!!!!
But again, it's just Homer, asking Bart if he wants to see his
new chainsaw and hockey mask.
****************************************************************
He walks into Bart's room and greets him.  Bart calls out to his
parents, but Sideshow Bob has tied everyone up -- even Santa's Little
Helper and Snowball II.  Lisa sees Homer drooling and snoring and
mistakenly thinks he's been drugged.
Lisa: Oh no! Dad's been drugged!
Marge: No he's not
****************************************************************
Sideshow Bob advances menacingly.  Bart opens the window behind him and
jumps out just as Bob's machette whicker-snickers through the air,
slicing a pillow in two.  Bart runs desperately to the head of the boat to find an 
alligator, then running to the back, finding electric eels. Then he runs to the front
of the boat and sees the alligator.
Bart: Oh, yea... [remembers he saw it b4]
****************************************************************
Bart orders the police to dispose of the crook.

  Bart: Take him away, boys.
Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here!  Bake him away, toys.
   Lou: What'd you say, chief? [both confused]
Wiggum: [quietly] Do what the kid says.
****************************************************************
At last, the family can return home.  Unfortunately, without Abe's
pills, his hair has grown long, he's wearing lipstick, and he's sprouted
generous breasts.  Marge tells Bart to run upstairs to get Grampa's
medicine, but Jasper has his own ideas: courting the fair young maiden.
****************************************************************

****************************************************************
Skinner:	Hey, hey!  Settle down, children.  Now, who's ever 
		wondered how the post office works?
		[dead silence from the kids, who stare blankly]
Skinner:	No one?
Lisa:		I did, until we came here last year.
************************************
% The group moves on to the employee lounge.

Bill:			And this is where our employees gather to unwind 
			after a hard day of servin' the public.
			[opens the door; behind it, three mail carriers 
			sit at a table, searching letters for cash]
Mail Carrier #1:	Bingo!  Birthday card!
Mail Carrier #2:	Graduation!
Mail Carrier #3:	Ding-ding-ding!  Wedding!
			[Bill shuts the door quickly and chuckles 
			uneasily]
***********************************************
Homer:	Wow!  A Valu-Qual coupon book!  Let's see ... ten 
		percent off carpet cleaning.  Ten! [gasps] Two pizzas 
		for the price of one at Doughy's!
Lisa:		Doughy's has terrible pizza!
Homer:	Yeah, but there's two!
*************************************************
Homer:	See ya, kids!  Me and my Valu-Qual coupon book are gonna 
		paint the town red, with savings!  I'll start with a 
		couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson, and 
		I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
Lisa:		Um, Dad?
Homer:	[singing] Do you like pina colonics, and getting caught 
		in the rain ... [slams door behind him] passing out in 
		the ocean ...
*****************************************************
Wally:	Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency.  We've got a 
		charter bus going down to the game.  You help us fill 
		it, you can ride for free!
Homer:	Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl?
		[imagines himself watching the game; a player is hauled 
		off on a stretcher]
Coach:	Dang!  That was my last quarterback.  Now what am I 
		gonna do?  [The coach looks into the crowd, and sees 
		Homer] You!
Homer:	Me?
Coach:	Yeah, you!  Get your hand off my wife's leg!
Homer:	Sorry!  [pulls his hand off the leg of the woman 
		sitting next to him, who glares]
***********************************************************
Homer:	Come on, Lenny, I need four more guys to fill my Super 
		Bowl bus.  What do you say?
Lenny:	[on phone] Naah ...
Homer:	Come on ...
Lenny:	Naah ...
Homer:	Come on!
Lenny:	Naah ...
Homer:	Oh, come on!
Lenny:	Oohhh ...
Homer:	Yes!  Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.
********************************************************
% Homer and Wally's bus is rapidly heading for Miami.  Lenny and a few 
% others try to keep themselves amused with a game of "keep away" with 
% Rev. Lovejoy's collar.  It turns out to be even more amusing than 
% hoped -- when Lenny pulls the Reverend's collar out of his shirt, 
% causing his clothes to peel off and fall to the floor.  Everyone 
% laughs.
*************************************************************
Homer:	Okay, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat.  Reverend 
		Lovejoy was working the body ...
Bart:		Wait!  Dad, look!  [points to a rack of "Halftime Show 
		Costumes"]
Homer:	Hello?  Gentlemen, I have an idea.
		[takes the rack of clothes and uses them to knock down a 
		pair of security guards, who give chase]
Homer:	[running] We can still make the kick-off!
		[camera cuts to a close-up of Lenny]
Lenny:	Here comes the kick!

% The gang is revealed to be in some kind of jail cell; as Hibbert and 
% Wiggum hold Homer's arms, Krusty lines up and kicks Homer in the 
% rear.  The others throw their arms up and cheer.
********************************************************
In SuperBowl Jail...
Wiggum:	Relax, Simpson, relax.  A little known fact about jail 
		cells they always have one phony bar for, like, 
		emergencies.  [tapping each bar successively] Real, 
		real, real, real, real.  So, by the process of 
		elimination, this one is the fake.
		[Chief Wiggum takes a few steps back and charges the bar 
		head first.  It's real]
		Ah, ah, that's painful.
***********************************************************
% Now, the boys are ready for some football!  The group begins to race 
% from corridor to corridor cheering, to the tune of "Song 2" by Blur.  
% Suddenly, Moe stops.

Moe:		Hold it, we've been running around cheering for an hour!  
		Where the hell's the game?
Homer:	You guys are following me?  I was following Flanders!
*********************************************************
Bart:		[sees Homer with the championship trophy] Dad, that 
		doesn't belong to you.
Homer:	But this might be my last chance to win one.
**********************************************************

****************************************************************
Bart:     One stinkin' letter?  Why'd you make us gather 'round like
          that?
Homer:    I needed my power fix.  [sighs contentedly]
Marge:    Hey, listen to this!  [reading letter]  Congratulations, your
          child, or children, have been selected in "Who's Who Among
          American Elementary School Students."
Homer:    [gasps, then belches]
*********************************************************
Homer:    Stand back and watch the pro.
Lisa:     Uh, shouldn't you put on a batting helmet?
Homer:    Nah, they mess up my hair.

% After dropping in a coin, Homer takes a swing and misses.  "Ooh, ball
% one," he says.  Another swing, another miss, "Ball two." he says.
% "This bozo's gonna walk me."  After getting hit by a pitch, he picks a
% fight with the machine, but only ends up getting hit again and again.
% He finally falls to the floor, taking repeated baseballs to the body.
% Bart and Lisa watch outside.
*********************************************************
Bart:     She doesn't scare me.  I do what I want, when I want.
          [brushes himself off frantically]  Oh God, inchworms!
*********************************************************
Homer:      [yelling out the window] Milhouse!!
Milhouse:   [yelling from distance] What?!
Homer:      Tell Bart to come home!!
Milhouse:   I think he's at Nelson's!!
Homer:      Who's Nelson?!
*********************************************************
% In his treehouse, Bart has his eggs placed in a cardboard box next to
% a light socket with a 75-watt bulb that was just "lying around."  Back
% in the house, Homer, whistling, carries a box to the basement; he
% flips on the switch at the top of the stairs and starts walking, but
% trips and falls down them.
*********************************************************
Bart:     Man, those are some funky-looking birds.
Homer:    [giggling] Aw, you look like a little tiny dinosaur.  [gets
          bitten and screams]  This is one vicious baby bird.
Lisa:     Dad, they aren't birds.

Homer:    Enough bickering!  I know how to settle this.
Marge:    No kickboxing!
Homer:    [takes pies] Aww ... if anybody wants me, I'll be eating
          alone in the basement.
          [Homer heads toward the basement, where he falls down the
          stairs in the darkness once again]
*********************************************************
Lisa:     [reading] Bolivian Tree Lizard?
Skinner:  Mmm-hmm.  It's a vicious ovoraptor.  It feasts on bird eggs
          and lays its own in the nest.  The unsuspecting mother bird
          cares for them until the babies hatch and ... devour her too.
Moe:      [laughing] What a chump!
Skinner:  It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne,
          and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the
          Woodcock, and the Titpecker.

% Suddenly, the bird watching society bursts in through nearby door.
% Monty Burns, looking at him the wrong way through binoculars, shouts,
% "There he is!  Off in the distance!".  
*********************************************************
MS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN BACK THERE!! AAHHHH!!!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, whatever you fat bitch.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

                                     STAN
                         I said I have a bad itch.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh.

***********************************************
CARTMAN
                         Shut up, you guys, it's not working.

                                     KYLE
                         We have to do something!

                                     STAN
                         Well, we can't do anything for now.  
                         That fat bitch won't let us.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

                                     STAN
                         I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh...
                              (Pause)
                         Well, yes, they certainly do.

**********************************************
                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         People been sayin' they've been seeing 
                         UFO's around.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         UFO's?? Ha Ha.

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         Yea, and black army CIA helicopters 
                         and trucks.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That is the silliest thing I've ever 
                         heard.

               Just then black army helicopters fly by.

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         What was that?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That, that was a pigeon.

*************************************************

               Just then, Cartman farts a HUGE fireball.

                                     CARTMAN
                         AAAGHH!! Ow, my ass!

                                     STAN
                         Damn Cartman!

               He farts another fire ball.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OW! OWWW MY ASS!!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, he's farting fire!

                                     STAN
                              (pointing to Cartman)
                         It's the alien anal probe! It's 
                         shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, that was just a dream!

               Cartman farts another flame.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, do you need to sit in the corner 
                         until your flaming gas is under 
                         control?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Mr. Garrison. I'm fine.

               Cartman farts a HUG fireball which burns PIP, a little english 
               boy.

                                     PIP
                         OWWWW!!!!!

               The class watches as their classmate runs out in flames.

**********************************************************
looking for Greetings from Tucson, Futurama, Friends, What I like about you scripts

*********************************************************

                                  MADELINE

                            (Accusing)

                      They could have adopted children.

                                  GILDA

                      Yeah, but adopted children are a pain. 

                      You have to teach them how to look 

                      like you.
*********************************************************

           [Sptolight on Dot]
DOT:       Ohh, oh, my heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts.
           No merit badge.  I mourn my loss. *sob* *sob*
YAKKO:     [Clapping] Say, those acting classes are really paying off!
DOT:       Think so?
YAKKO:     Don't worry siblings!  We'll sell that man a box of cookies or
           die trying!... or try dying!... or do some tie dyeing!
*******************************************************
PINKY:  Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight?
BRAIN:  The same thing we do every night, Pinky!  Try to take over the world!
        {Pinky and the Brain theme}
Y,W,D:  They're Pinky and the Brain,
        Yes, Pinky and the Brain.
        One is a genius, the other's insane!
        They're laboratory mice,
        Their genes have been spliced.
        They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain-Brain-Brain-Brain-Brain!
********************************************************

        {Warners' Theme}
YAKKO:  It's that time again!
DOT:    Time to get our rabies shots?
WAKKO:  Time to make bubbles with our spit?
YAKKO:  No.  It's time to learn today's lesson.  And to find out what it is,
        we turn to -- the Wheel Of Morality!
        Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.  Tell us the lesson that we
        should learn!  Moral number two.  And the moral of today's story is:
        "If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents."
WAKKO:  How deep.
YAKKO:  I don't know about you, but I'm touched.
DOT:    In the head.
*****************************************************
Apu:   Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years.  They are
          strictly ornamental.  There is only one bozo who comes in and
          buys them.
   Homer: But I eat... Oh.

Jerry: What's the matter, buddy?
   Homer: The moron next door closed early!
   Jerry: I happen to be that moron.
   Homer: Oh... Me and my trenchant mouth!
   
Homer: Okay, okay, but I want you to see a picture of the little girl
          you're disappointing.  [looks through his wallet]
          Well, I don't have one.
   
With a bum reed, Lisa's playing is hardly acceptable.  (``Sounds like that
 gopher I caught in me lawn mower,'' complains Groundskeeper Willy.)  Homer
 hears Lisa's playing and notes, ``I'd hate to be that kid's father.''  Then
 he sees who the kid in question is.  Principal Skinner cuts Lisa's
 performance short, and only Homer applauds.  Lisa cries.

Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony.  Promise me you won't.
   Homer: Mm.
   Marge: What was that?  Was that a yes or a no?
   Homer: Buh!
   Marge: Those aren't even words!
   Homer: Snuh!
   Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light]
   Homer: [huge grin]
   

 Homer pays a visit to the pet shop.
   
   Oh my!  What is that smell! [sees Homer]  Oh, it's you.
   -- Pet shop owner

Homer pays for it with a check, postdated to 1 January 2054.  The lady
 refuses to take it.  Their cheapest pony is $5000.
      Isn't there a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from
   home?

At the pony farm...
   
   Lady:  Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony?
   Homer: [shoving the pony into the back seat]  Of course!
   
Lisa wakes up and screams in terror when she finds a pony in her bed.
 Then she realizes that it's a gift.  Marge is very upset.
      Marge: Mmm...  I am  upset with you.
   Homer: Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own!
   
Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
   Homer: I got it all figured out.  By day, it'll roam free around the
          neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars
          in our garage.
   Lisa:  Dad, no!
   Marge: That's illegal!
   Homer: That's for the courts to decide!
   
Lisa:  Wait Dad, I've got something for you.  [kisses him]
   Homer: Oh, I was hoping it'd be money.
   
Homer: Marge, could we go in the other room?
          I did something last night I'm not proud of, and I don't want
          the kids to hear it.
   Bart:  Busted!
   Homer: [in the other room, explaining]  I'll work from midnight to eight,
          come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more
          minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love,
          then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.
   Bart:  [at the breakfast table, hears a thud]  Oh my God, she killed him!
          [rushes into the living room; Homer has passed out, asleep]
   
   Homer falls asleep in the doorway, the automatic doors opening and closing
 on his head.  He drives home and nods off at the wheel.  When we return
 to reality, we see that the car has driven through a fence, and it
 careens into the Simpsons garage (taking out the mailbox and the storage
 shelf in the garage).  A falling circular saw clonks Homer on the head,
 though it doesn't seem to rouse him from his slumber.  Homer sleepwalks
 into bed, where the alarm goes off nary a second later.
   
   Marge: Homer, how long do you plan to do this?
   Homer: I don't know.  How long do horses live?
   Marge: Thirty years.
   Homer: D'oh!
   
 Homer leaves for an ``eight hour walk''.  He falls asleep on the car horn.
 Marge tries to wake him.  (``Homer sleep now.'')  The air bag inflates,
 becoming a pillow.  Marge explains that Homer had to take a second job,
 at the Kwik-E-Mart.  (Bart gets a kick out of this.)  Marge tells Lisa
 that she has to make the decision herself to give up the pony.
   
Lisa:  I gave up the pony.
   Homer: You did?
   Lisa:  Mm hm.  There's a big, dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
   Homer: Oh no!  What is it, a hippopotamus?
*****************************************************
YAKKO:    Hey!  Ooh -- It's our new best friend.
MEL:      Who be ye?
YAKKO:    Ye be we.  We're the Warner brothers.  {With Cat-Like Tread}
DOT:      And the Warner sister.
MEL:      Ye be trespassers on me private pirate property.
WAKKO:    Bet you can't say that three times fast.
MEL:      Pirate prenotwey.  Poepley.  Pie.  Per.
WAKKO:    You lose!
MEL:      Rrrrr.  {I Am the Captain of the Pinafore}
          The penalty for trespassin' is death.