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--- aked4_un@123.com wrote:
> Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 16:55:01 GMT
> From:
> To:
arntolsewhatsitnow? That's not a valid email, much less one that should have come to me!

> Subject: PLEASE HELP
>
> Naturally,this letter will come to you as a
> surprise,since we have not met,permit me however,I
> am Barrister PAUL ADAMS.
And I'm Student VAL BLACK. This is CNN.

> I am contacting you to
> kindly assit me in the proposition below, which will
> be of mutual benefit to us both.
Oh, I'll ass it you all right.

> PROPOSITION.
> A salvadorean, MR.Ramirez Vidaurre,66years of age
> and a very prosperous farmer made a huge bank
> deposit for investment in the sum of
> US$18,500,000.=(Eighteen Million Five Hundred
> thousand US Dollars),
*eyes widen* Gee willickers! Sure wish *I* had that much money!

> he named his wife Mrs.Helga
> Vidaurre as the NEXT OF KIN. I was called upon as an
> Accredited Attorney to the bank to sign/endorse
> documents to this deposit on Mr. Vidaurre behalf.
>
> Unfortunately, Mr&Mrs Vidaurre were killed in the
> January 14,earthquake that rocked El Salvador,
> killing thousands of people and 1,200 others were
> declared missing.
*sob* Vidaurres, we hardly knew ye.

> The Bank Management now mandates me (being the
> lawyer that signed and endorsed the deposit papers
> for the deceased) to trace the family relatives of
> the deceased so that the funds will be released to
> them.I was made to understand that they had no
> children.
"How many times do we have to tell you?! They had no children! *sigh* ..Jake, get me the thumb nails.."

> I made several efforts through the El Salvadorean
> High Commission in lagos to contact any of the
> deceased family relatives ,but to no avail.
Ha ha HA ha ha. That had better be a typo.

> Failure to reach any of the deceased family
> relatives,
Did you try the Psychic Hotline? How about concentrating harder during the seance?

> the option left for the Bank Management
> is to declare the deceased account dormant and
> revert the funds on trading and investment in the
> interest of the Bank.
So, the Bank is going to just *give* this money to you to give to me... thus making it so that they won't be able to keep it themselves? Where the hell does this come from? Who WRITES this shit?

> Inorder to avoid this development,since it has so
> far been impossible to trace any of the deceased
> family relatives,I now seek your permission and
> assistance to have you stand as a distant relative
> to the deceased since i have used my position as the
> bank's attorney create an open space to fill in name
> of next of kin to the decease so that the fund will
> be released to you and we can use it for our mutual
> benefit.
*plots* I could take this guy for all he's got! All Eighteen Million Five Hundred (T)housand US Dollars! What a sucker!

*channels Calvin* I'm rich! I'm rich! Money! Power! Wealth! Fame! I can have it all! Muhahahahaha!

> I hope you do understand my concern in this
> matter,that if we don’t use this opportunity to
> claim this fund ,since the deceased relatives cannot
> be traced, the management of the bank will declare
> the deceased account dormant and revert the fund on
> trading and investment in the interest of the Bank
> and already the bank have started trading with this
> money through our corresponding bank oversea and
> right now the money will easily be paid to the next
> of kin through our corresponding bank so with the
> inclusion of your name as the next of kin in the
> open space will make the bank to return this money
> back the decease account.
Whoa, there, Sparky! That was a sentence that was a paragraph! I thought only alcoholic Southern Irish writers could pull THAT shit. I get breathless just reading the fucking thing.

> For your assistance, you will be compensated
> adequately with (40%) of the total sum,(55%) will be
> my share,while(5%) will be set aside to cover any
> incidental expense made both at home and abroad
> prior to this transaction.
Very realistic. Except that I'm getting the lion's share, or no deal. You need me, after all, Paulie.

> If you are interested in assisting me with this
> matter ,please,send to me urgently via my email the
> details bellow:
You know, I'd think that a lawyer would be able to either speak English fluently or find someone to make sure he wasn't making a total ass of himself in it.

> 1. Your full name and complete contact address.
Oh, no. I knew it. This is an elaborate ruse to stalk me. You lamers are all the same.

> 2. Your private telephone and fax number (urgent)
Why? So you can (attempt) to call me up and alternate begging for dates with heavy breathing?

> 3. Your date of birth (Age)
Would it make you happy if I told you I was fifteen? With perky teen titties? Ew, I don't think I care to cater to your sick fantasies any more.

> Upon receiving the above details from you,I will
> procure a sworn affidavit of support of your claim
> sataing your name as the next of kin to the
> decease,information on how you will reach our
> corresponding bank oversea will be provided for you
> for the release and collection of the fund, which
> will be within one week of my receiving the above
> details from you.I will meet with you in your
> country after the fund have been released to you and
> also to discuss invesntment potentials.
"Invesntment potentials" = the potential of him getting some. He'll probably show up randomly at my house, wearing a quart of Brut and carrying a check for-what was it? Eighteen Million blah blah?- which, of course, bounces higher than a helium balloon.

> May I assure you that this transaction is 100 % risk
> free, as I have taken care of all necessary
> modalities to enable a hitch – free transaction
> . kindly ensure to treat this matter in strict
> privacy(highly confidential). I look forward to
> your urgent response.
*smile* I look forward to you getting the beating you so richly deserve. But alas, I don't think either of us is going to SEE what we want, are we?

> Cheers and God bless.
> Best regards
>
> BARRISTER PAUL ADAMS
You must be very important to announce yourself thus. You know what you need? Some flourishes. Maybe like, *~~~//~~BARRISTER~~*~~PAUL~~*~~ADAMS~~\\~~~*. Oh, hey, you could try a huge font, blinking and bright red. It would definitely attract attention. And that's the point, innit?

--- Marvin Edwards wrote:

> Hello,
Hi, you ball-eating son of a bitch.

> This program worked for me. If you hate S_pa_m like
> I do, you o w e it to your self to try this pro-
> gram, and forward this email to all of your friends
> which also hate S+P+A+M or as many people
> possible. Together lets help clear the Internet
> of S+P+A+M!
You... hate "S+P+A+M", do you? Really? You can be honest with me. I already know you're a fucking liar who makes lame attempts to not get caught by the spaminator, yet ended up in my spam folder anyway. You're so S-M-R-T! And I would be just as smrt to forward this email to ANYONE.. seeing's as my friends have the good sense to thump me upside the head when I make like I've been lobotomized.

> STOP S_P*A_M IN ITS TRACKS!
Wow, I can? Sweet!

> Do you get junk, scams and worse in your inbox
> every day?
I sure do!

> Are you sick of spending valuable time
> removing the trash?
Absolutely! Valuable time that could be used for cleaning my 12 gauge.

> Is your child receiving inappropriate
> a_d_u_l_t material?
I dunno. "Billy! Billy, come here. Have you been receiving inappropriate adult material?" "Come to think of it, Mommy, yup! I'm so sick of those ladies showing off themselves to me. Make them go away!"

> If so you should know that no other solution works
> better then our software to return control of your
> email back where it belongs!
Are you implying I don't have control of my email? That's just not true. I just don't have control over what fucktards email me! Now, see, this is the way it works. SINCE I have control, guess where this shit of an email's going! Oh, that's right, Mr Hand! It's going straight down the toilet, and you know all drains lead to HELL.

> Imagine being able to read your important email
> without looking through all that s*p*a*m...
Imagine.

I keep thinking that you're spelling out some dirrty word, but then I realize you're just lame. Lame to the Bone. This email would be so much funnier if you were spelling out, say, shit. "I hate shit! Let's clear the Internet of shit! Stop shit in its tracks!"

> Click below to vist our website:
> http://www.StopAllThatSpam.com
I have a better idea. I'll crack your website and redirect all your routing to Mars. I doubt I'd want to actually "vist" it, you know, as though you weren't going to overcharge me or give me spyware with my sucko software.

> experimentation solder
OK, now, see, that's just odd. This arguably normal email, and you end up with something that appears to be a sign held up at an avant-garde performance. Actually, Mr Spammer, maybe you can answer for me why every spam I've been getting has randomalities attached to the end of the subject and body. Shite like "make $100s in a single dayoi 2h jan ld h5t" Is this some sort of linguistic drug-induced twirling and spinning to avoid the spaminator? Again, it's not working. OK, bye bye now, Marvin. It's flush time for you.

--- princess ajana anne wrote:

> Good day
> A CRY FOR HELP,
Yes, yes it is. If you define help as "an ass-kicking"...

> I am writing this letter in
> confidence believing that if it is the wish Of God
> for you to help me and my family, God almighty will
> bless and Reward you abundantly. My family and I are
> true Christians and worship's God truthfully.
You're true Christians, hmm? Then someone's fucked you over, because I am a heathen infidel and proud of it. I even have that on a bumpersticker. Can't argue with that. Maybe, in this context, you mean "true Christian" in the sense of "greedy idiot". That makes sense.. too too much sense..

> Your contact through Internet during my research on
> some one who could Help us. I am a female student Of
You're missing a few key members of that sentence, like a subject and a verb.

Oh, and by the way, your random capitalizations annoy the hell out of me. I wouldn't mind so much if it were the archaic way of capitalizing all Nouns. But, again, maybe you planned it that way: "Let's see.. I'll annoy this person, and then she'll feel like taking me for all I've "got", and she'll take the bait sheerly out of annoyance!"

> University of Nigeria, Lagos. I am 22 yrs old. My
Oh, hey, think of that. 22. Maybe we could make a porn together and market it using your terrific mass marketing skills. Just one thing- I get to edit. Oh, and I'm NOT rimming.

> fathers died earlier two months ago and left my
> Mother I and my brother behind. He Was a king, which
> our town citizens titled him before his death I was
*snort* I'm going to forgive the complete lack of English skills(what did you do, translate it through dictionary.com??), but I just can't pass over the notion of an "elected" king. Just remember for the future that a "town citizen" saying "Jeez, Carl, you're a prince of a guy!" does NOT equal Prince Carl.

> a Princess to him and I and my brother are the only
> people who Can take Care of his wealth now because
> my mother is not literate enough To know all my
> father's wealth behind. He left up to USD
OK, Princess. Christ Jesus, just thinking about how you call yourself that makes me want to throttle you, then desecrate your corpse. You deserve whatever you get when you have the audacity/idiocy to think that that would be an appropriate moniker. Anyway, so why can't your mother decide where all that money goes? You don't have to be literate to decide what to do with money. The only thing I can conclude is that your mother is severely retarded. It must be hereditary.

> 27.350 000.000.00 million dollars with a security
How much money? I'm thinking that you just kept tacking on more and more zeroes, and then for the hell of it added a "million" at the end. And if he were that rich, he'd have made plans for his money. Hell, if he were THAT rich, I'd have heard of him before now.

> Company, and I don't know how and what I will
> do to invest this money Somewhere in abroad, so that
*twirls hair* Oh, gosh, I just don't know what to do! I'm incapable of working a bank account, much less an investment! Won't someone pleeease help me??

That's sort of along the lines of prancing down the street at three am in a short skirt, singing, "I'M SO FUCKING DRUUUUNK!"

> my father's kindred will not take over what
> Belongs to my father and our family, which they were
> planning to do Without my present because I am a
> female as stated by our culture in the Town. That is
ROTFLMAO Your "culture" decides what gender you are? Around here, it's biology that does that. Also, I'm fairly certain that legally there's not much you can do. When you're bypassed in a will, you're fucked. Here's a suggestion for what to do with your money: Move to a place that doesn't fuck you up the ass. Do you think you can manage that?

> why I felt happy when I saw your contact which I
Aww. I made you happy. Because I'm an American female. Or is that the Magical Man from Lollipop Land? Either way, you're still getting the same thing from me.

> strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will
> help me secure And invest this money. I thereby need
> your help in bringing the box Containing the money
> out from the security company, based on your reply I
> Will furnish you with more details on how we can
> proceed. I am ready to pay 10% of the total amount
> to you if you help us in Securing this money and
> another 10% interest of Annual Income to you, for
> investing this money for us, which you will strongly
> have absolute Control Over. If you can handle this
Why would I want yer ten percent when I'll have absolute Control Over the whole thing?

> project sincerely and also willing to assist me In
> lifting this fund, kindly reach me and I will let
> you know the next Step to take towards actualizing
> this transaction as quickly as Possible. Please,
> note that this transaction is 100% risk free. I look
I bet.

> forward hearing from you soonest.
> Yours sincerely,
> Princess
Soonest? Is this some sort of ploy to make me think I'm in competition? Naah, our Princess isn't that smart. It's just crappy English.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Oh, well, HERE's all the proof we need to believe! It's in a foreign language, she must be for real!

--- MARK OWERE > FROM THE DESK OF MARK OWERE
> DEPT CREDIT CONTROL UNIT
> UNION BANK OF NIGERIA
> ALL REPLY TO MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS:
> markowere@netscape.net
>
>             :    STRICTLY
> CONFIDENTIAL
It's bank free verse!

> I KNOW THIS PROPOSAL WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE
> EXPECIALLY WHEN YOU DO NOT KNOW THE
> WRITER,CONDSIDERING THE HUGE SUM OF MONEY INVOLVED
> WHICH COULD MAKE ANY APPREHENSIVE.
Well, yes, large sums of money DO make me apprehensive. But what makes me more so is a bank official who doesn't know where the capslock is. I fear for the future.

> LET ME START BY INTRODUCING MYSELF TO YOU, I AM MARK
> OWERE A STAFF OF UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC. LAGOS. I
> SAW YOUR CONTACT DURING MY PRIVATE SEARCH AT THE
> INFORMATION CENTRE HERE IN NIGERIA CHAMBER OF
...What's my information doing in Nigerian banks?

> COMMENCE AND INDUSTRY AND I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU
> WILL BE VERY HONEST, COMMITTED AND CAPABLE OF
> ASSISTING IN THIS BUSINESS VENTURE.
I guess my information wasn't all THAT informative. Look here, friend, I'm a greedy, stupid, self-centered American pig queen... Oh. Oh, I see. That's what you're looking for. Carry on.

> FIRSTLY, LET ME EXPLAIN THE SOURCE OF THIS FUNDS AND
> WHAT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO DO. A FORIGNER LATE
> ENGINEER THEOPHILUS BAKER, AN OIL
> MERCHANT/CONTRACTOR WITH THE GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA,
> UNTIL HIS DEATH, OVER A YEAR AGO, WAS A VICTIM OF A
> KENYA AIRWAYS: BUS (A310-300) FLIGHT KQ430 PLANE
> CRASH.THE DECEASED,ENGNIEER THEOPILIUS BAKER, BANKED
> WITH US AND HAS A CLOSING BALANCE AS A JULY 2000
> WORTH $4.5M (FOUR MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND
> USD). WHICH MY BANK, NOW EXPECTES A NEXT-OF-KIN TO
> CLAIM AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUNDS,EFFORTS HAS
> BEEN MADE BY UNION BANK OF NIGERIA TO GET IN TOUCH
> WITH THE BAKER'S FAMILY OR RELATIVE BUT TO NO
> SUCCESS.
You'd think that so much money would have close relatives, distant relatives, and "relatives" sniffing around like dogs on a peetree. What is WITH all the hugely rich farmers/bankers/"kings"(*snort*) who die with no plans for their money and no relatives?

> BASED ON THE PERCEIVED POSSIBILITY OF NOT BEING ABLE
> TO LOCATE ENGNIEER THEOPILUS'S NEXT-OF-KIN, THE
> MANAGEMENT UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF OUR CHAIRMAN AND

> THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS ARE MAKING ARRANGEMENTS FOR
> THE FUNDS TO BE DECLARED UNCLAIMED AND CHANNELED TO
> AN UNKNOWN ACCOUNT.IT IS BASED ON THIS THAT WE HAVE
You don't know what account you're sending it to? Just some random account in some random bank in some random country?

> CONTACTED YOU TO STAND AS THE NEXT-OF-KIN OF LATE
> ENGR. THEOPILUS BAKER SO THAT THE FUNDS, WiLL BE
Whoa, whoa, WHOA! What the hell is up with that i?! Are you seriously just holding down the shift key for all this?? You're a freak, I hope you know!

> RELEASED AND PAID INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AS THE
> BENEFICIARY AND THE NEXT-OF-KIN TO THE DECEASED.
All these people want to give me their money! Joy!

> ALL DOCUMENTS, AND PROOF TO ENABLE YOU GET THE FUNDS
> HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY WORKED OUT AS WE HAVE SECURED
> FROM THE DIFFERENT OFFICES CONCERNED FOR THE SMOOTH
> TRANSFER OF THE FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT.IT
> HAS BEEN AGREED THAT THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT WILL
> BE COMPENSATED WITH 20% OF THE REMITTED FUNDS, WHILE
Hey! I'M the next of kin here! It's all mine!

> WE KEEP 75% AND 5% WILL BE SET ASIDE TO OFFSET
> EXPENSES BOTH LOCALLY AND INTERNATIONAL.
Pffft. Next of kin, my ass..

> IF THIS PROPOSAL SATISFIES YOU, PLEASE REACH US ONLY
> BY MAIL OR PHONE, FOR MORE INFORMATION. IT MIGHT BE
> DIFFICULT TO GET THROUGH TO ME,BECAUSE OF POOR
> TELECOMUNICATION SYSTEM HERE. PLEASE KEEP TRYING YOU
> WILL DEFINITELY GET THROUGH.
Considering that all you gave me was your EMAIL!

Maybe the "poor telecomunication system" is his English..

> YOURS FAITHFULLY,
> MARK OWERE.
> ALL FURTHER CORRESPONDENCE TO MY PRIVATE EMAIL
> ADDRESS:markowere@netscape.net
"What's that again? I said Mark Owere, markowere@netscape.net. I didn't quite hear you, I said Mark Owere, markowere@netscape.net, I don't get tired of saying it, Mark Owere markowere@netscape.net.."

> Freeserve AnyTime - HALF PRICE for the first 3 months - Save ?.50 a month
> www.freeserve.com/anytime
You'd think that a Nigerian banker with such a prestigious bank would have, well, a nonfree work email account.

--- Cecelia Rose wrote:
---------------------------------

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Oh, silly me. And here I thought I was doing that already. I guess I'm just doing it the hard way! Thanks for showing me the errors of my ways, kind stranger!

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24 hours! But is it seven days a week?

I'm editing the spacing.. why these wretched mass mailers think that more space means I'm more likely to buy, I'll never know.

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Really now? Then how would one earn a diploma that meant anything? You might as well say, "No required thinking! All you have to do is breathe and send money!"

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Again, I was under the impression that such things had to be earned. I'm already upset at the fact that college graduates can't spell, square or write coherently. Please don't make me daydream about killing myself and taking as many others with me as possible.

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Only people who didn't graduate high school really look at a diploma with such starry eyes. Yes, it's necessary if you don't want to be a burger-flipper or nose-wiper. But once you're actually on the track to it, or have it and are starting out, you start taking it for granted. (And if you look at the actual academic capabilities of the people who graduate nowadays, you start wishing it actually meant something.) As Dave Barry described it, "He had a Ph.D., which are only about as common as air molecules.."

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....OK. Let me review this. A diploma, no knowledge necessary, handed out to anyone with the money? And this diploma has WHAT value in the real world?

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Fancy that. It is seven days a week. Be still, my heart.

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Did I miss something? If I ordered this, would I be ordering a doggy dildo? Why would I want that particular assurance?

--- Nelson Kincaid wrote:
---------------------------------

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And again again again again

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--- Sang Fox <956zqvvo@isp.com> wrote:
> From: "Sang Fox" <956zqvvo@isp.com>
> To: smermis62@yahoo.com
I'm not "smermis62". I have no idea why I'm getting mail directed to people who are only mildly similar to my screenname. Who's fucking up, and where's my gun?

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My girlfriend will appreciate.. fucking? That would be appropriate. And I'm sure that if I had a girlfriend, she'd appreciate more man-meat.

---------------------------------
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(And before those of you who ARE oboists email me angrily, let me just note that even if you could woo a girl with the sweet sound of your instrument, she would think you were gay because every time you play you look like you're giving head. I'm sure you'd be hugely popular with the man-on-man crowd, though.)

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"Hi! You asked us to do this to do to you!"

We abide by a strict "No Spam" policy and maintain a list of all removal requests.
Actually, I'd prefer it if you just took my name off your bloodsucking list and then forgot it. But, I know that then you might "accidentally" put it back on. "Oops! You weren't on our removal list!"

----All our mailings are sent complying to the proposed United States Federal requirements for commercial
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wish to receive any further mailings, please unsubscribe by clicking on the link below.
"..And now that we've done this to you, we're going to try to cover our asses!"

I have a dream. And that is that one day everyone will become so enraged by the constant advertisements by phone, by email, by door-to-door, by IM, that the nation will rise up against the bullshitters. And on that day, we will all join hands and sing Hallelujah!

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Zach Venari? Zeke Valhart? Who cares? *flush*

Jesus Christ in a wheelbarrow! These people don't know when to quit!

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From: "KangJan0yjk" willowmcraney@astroboymail.com
”astroboymail”?

Subject: Automatic money machineKps
We all need one. But what does that have to do with this email?

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Boys, be ambitious. d 12y03k,moit gca r.
That’s my fortune cookie for the day? But I’m a girl.. I’ll just make up a corollary. ‘Girls, take it up the ass.’

--- macpnbmqmrn@m1a1c.com wrote:
> From:
> To: "vick"
’Vick’? Who the hell is that?

> Subject: How To 'Pick Up' Beautiful Women - #1 Best
What’s with the quotes? And, I AM a beautiful woman.

> Selling book By John EaganSlrel
..EaganSlrel? Are we in D&D here?

> HOW TO 'PICK UP' BEAUTIFUL WOMEN by John Eagan, THE
> BOOK THAT IS GETTING NOTICED! Please read the following
> information on this book's accomplishments:
No, no, what you have to do is capture the interest. Not, “Please read,” but, “See what MODELS and TITTIE MAGS had to say about this!” Even I know that much about basic marketing.

> PENTHOUSE MAGAZINE promoted the author, John Eagan,
> as a "Miracle Worker" and published a major article praising the
> book.

> Penthouse Magazine's July '99 cover says "Getting Beautiful Girls - Self
> Styled Pick Up Guru Shares His 'Super Techniques.'"
> According to Penthouse Magazine, John Eagan had to take out an individual
> named "Bill." Penthouse described it as follows -(page 132) "John's got his
> work cut out for him with Bill who is in his 40's, balding, wears glasses
> and sports an ill-advised goatee." Yet Penthouse goes on to say
> that Bill, using John Eagan's techniques, (page 133) "obtained 3 women's
> phone numbers that night."
*shock* You mean, women were attracted to someone who had a GOATEE?? Hell’s freezing over!

> On November 20th '99, John Eagan - author of the
> book "How To Pick Up Beautiful Women" - appeared as a guest on the Howard
Yes, yes, he wrote it. We get it!

> Stern Radio Show, CBS
> TV. According to Howard Stern, John Eagan was asked
> to go out with the E! crew and their hidden cameras to get dates for some
> of their interns. Howard said the interns were the ugliest guys he could
> find. John Eagan had to coach the interns with his techniques by speaking
> into the interns ear pieces. Using John Eagan's techniques, these interns
> got dates with beautiful girls. Howard said "This guy is no bull,
> I've seen him in action. He's the real deal." For more information - read
> on.
I’m impressed. What rigorous scientific method! How could anyone doubt his genius?!

> You can purchase this book directly from Amazon.com
> at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0964160307/qid=938524192/102-8020158-
> 8806553 BarnesandNoble.com at
> http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInqui
> ry.asp?userid=2W4F96PP70&isbn=0964160307&itm=1
> Or Borders.com. You can also special order through
> your local bookstores. The price is $14.95 for this 260+ page paperback
> which includes Super Techniques guaranteed to work that will make any man
> invincible when it comes to getting dates with women.
Invincible, hmm? Just so you know, chloroform and kidnapping are illegal. Sorry to burst your bubble.

> "MEN'S FITNESS MAGAZINE" published an article
> claiming they got dates with every beautiful woman they approached by using
> techniques from John Eagan's book.
This is technically true, if they didn’t approach any beautiful women.

How hard IS it to get a bloody date, anyway? I’m sure all reasonably normal looking human beings could have as much sex as they wanted at just about any point. Only lamers with no self-esteem can’t get dates. Three guesses why. (No, it’s NOT because women want to be treated like dirt! Jesus CHRIST you suck!)

> The over 260 page book called "How To 'Pick Up'
> Beautiful Women, Secrets Every Man Should Know" by John Eagan was rated
> NUMBER 1 by Men's Fitness Magazine after they field tested the top books on
> the market.
”Field tested”? Shyeah. Like it’s HARD to get a drunk chick to give you her phone number. I could probably do it even to a straight chick.

> Men's Fitness Magazine decided to take on the
> challenge of employing the techniques of the top books on the market today.
> Their findings will astound you. "How to 'Pick up' Beautiful Women, Secrets
> Every Man Should Know" by John Eagan received the highest rating because his
> techniques got them dates with every beautiful woman they approached. No other
> book on the market came even close.
When there’s only four books out on a subject, it’s not hard to be in the Top Five.

>Why waste your time with anything less
> than NUMBER 1.
Ah, so you admit you’re wasting time with this bull. Thanks for the honesty.

> You can purchase this book directly from Amazon.com at
> http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0964160307/qid=938524192/102-8020158-
> 8806553 BarnesandNoble.com at
> http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInqui
> ry.asp?userid=2W4F96PP70&isbn=0964160307&itm=1
> Or Borders.com. You can also special order through
> your local bookstores.
> The price is $14.95 for this 260+ page paperback
> which includes Super
> Techniques guaranteed to work that will make any man
> invincible when it comes to getting dates with women.
”Hey! You can’t turn me down! I’m INVINCIBLE! Penthouse said so! Where are you going?!”

> The author, John Eagan has acquired two college
> degrees and writes a popular sex and dating column for "Muslemag
”Muslemag”? Even if it were spelled correctly, I haven’t heard of it.

> International." He has interviewed over 2000 beautiful women and
Wow. Do you think there’s a national registry of beautiful women? American Association of Beautiful Women? National Association for the Advancement of Pretty People? Also, I’m fairly certain you can’t call a random drunken rambling in a bar an “interview”. Sorry, guys.

> incorporates that with the latest university studies on dating for this powerful book.
> He has appeared on many national TV and radio shows. Would you like to find
> out why:
Since you ask, no.

> HOWARD STERN said "This guy is no bull, he's the
> real deal. I've seen him in action." "Wait until you see how amazing this guy
> is."
Stern should know—Eagan gave him a blowjob.

> GERALDO RIVERA was quoted as saying, "This book can
> get men over their shyness."
”And into women’s pants!”

> ROLLING STONE MAG called John's techniques > "genius."
Aren’t these the same people that think Creed is moving and powerful?

> DANNY BONADUCE said, "John Eagan is a genius, you
> could pick anyone up with this book."
So, Danny, how’s the career? And the love life?

> SALLY JESSY RAPHAEL was quoted as calling the techniques "Perfect."
It’s considered ethical to include the ENTIRE quote when quoting. In this case, the rest of it was, “-ly idiotic.”

> GORDON ELLIOTT told his audience, "Take this man's advice."
Dress like a gay man! Then the chicks’ll come flocking>

> HARD COPY was quoted as saying, "This book can make women melt."
Melt away into the shadows. Honestly, who wants to be with a guy who thinks he needs “techniques” to fool a girl into thinking he’s worthwhile? And since when has Hard Copy been an authority on anything besides lying about celebrities?!

> MEN'S FITNESS MAGAZINE said "He knows the score, man."
I think you’d get better results if you replaced “the” with “how to”.

> >MEN'S HEALTH BOOKS "A LIFETIME OF SEX" (Page 88) said
> "Here at Men's Health Books we like to cite doctors
> and authorities of similar repute. John Eagan is an authority and he
> consented to share his findings with us fortunate guys at Men's Health..."
Oh, ducky. An authority on the drunk bimbo stereotype. Just what we need.

> Imagine yourself dating a beautiful woman today. Why
Imagine yourself with a million dollars. Imagine a world where women aren’t treated like they’re objects to be won.

> be left out in the cold - Join the millions of successful men who have
> already learned the secrets. If you would like to read the Men's
> Fitness article and the Penthouse article for yourself as well as the
> introduction to the book along with what other distinguished celebrities had to say
> about the book, simply look John Eagan up on the internet.
You know, I’m really fuckingly sick of the notion that celebrities’ opinions are worth something. Also, I’m sick of the celebrities-because-they’re-celebrities. Fuck em.

> You can purchase this book directly from Amazon.com at
> http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0964160307/qid=938524192/102-8020158-
> 8806553 BarnesandNoble.com at
> http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInqui
> ry.asp?userid=2W4F96PP70&isbn=0964160307&itm=1
> Or Borders.com. You can also special order through
> your local bookstores. The price is $14.95 for this 260+ page paperback
> which includes Super Techniques guaranteed to work that will make any man
> invincible when it comes to getting dates with women.
Excuse me? Isn’t this the third time we’ve heard this? What, do you think people are too stupid to scroll up?

Actually, the people who would buy this book probably are too stupid to scroll up. *sigh*

> This is a one time only test marketing ad. Please
> accept our apology for any inconvenience.
Finally, an apology. You assholes should be licking my boots for sending me this bullshit.

--- Jeannie Beach wrote:
> From: "Jeannie Beach"
> To: smercer04@yahoo.com
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A glimmer of hope.. but then it dies as I realize that they’ll take me off and immediately sell my email address to those people who send out “Enlarge Ur Brests!” and “Enlarge Ur Penise!” ads to the same people on the same day. God save us all.

From: "Ann Underwood"
Subject: Read:Like The Good. Old Day's fermion
That’s quite possibly the least coherent sentence I’ve ever read that used actual words. (well, actual words for the most part.) “I can’t even figure out where to punctuate that to make it make sense.” -- JadeSyren of Heartless Bitches

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To be removed from our list, Here

From: "Chris Norton"
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I received this just like this, and I want to let it stand as a monument to the union between questionable morals and undeniable stupidity.

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Ah. Apparently this was the idea.

From: "Neal Womack" <151rdkm@aol.com>
Subject: cgmmit zolid

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I see fairies, cyborgs and Jerry Springer on TV too, but that doesn't make them real.

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From: "Alyssa Hobson"
To: smerk718@yahoo.com
Another one who thinks I'm smsomethingelse. Pffft.

Subject: You can Get Younger (proponent)
To my knowledge, that was still against the laws of nature. Hmmm. Guess I didn't get the memo.

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