VENTRUE: Okay, guys, sit down. I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here.

TOREADOR: I should think so. I have an engagement in two hours that I simply MUST attend, and I don't want to be late.

VENTRUE: Well, I don't know about you guys, but my Progeny have been asking some rather... embarrassing questions, and I--

MALKAV: Just tell them that when a Deady loves a Mummy...

VENTRUE: Shut up, Malkav. Anyway, they want to know where we come from, why, how, the whole bit. I think it's time we had an answer for them.

[silence]

BRUJAH: Well, what are you asking us for? WE don't fucking know.

VENTRUE: What about you, Ralph? You seem to have your nose in everything.

NOSFERATU: I am no longer called "Ralph." From this day forward, you shall call me: "Nosferatu."

[silence]

RAVNOS: I dunno, man. Ralph suits you.

NOSFERATU: No! I REFUSE to be stuck with that name.

VENTRUE: Let it alone, Ravnos.

TOREADOR: Actually, while we're on the subject ...

VENTRUE: What is it now?

TOREADOR: I have taken the pseudonym "Toreador."

[more silence]

HASSAM: You've never even SEEN a bull, let alone fought one, Norman.

TOREADOR: *glares at Hassam*

RAVNOS: More like *cough*Bullshit!*cough*

VENTRUE: Shall we get back to business?

LASOMBRA: I think "Nosferatu" sounds cool, Ralph.

NOSFERATU: And it's a lot easier to say when you can't retract your fangs.

VENTRUE: GENTLEMEN!

[silence]

VENTRUE: Okay, any ideas?

MALKAV: We're distant travellers from a parallel universe.

TZIMISCE: [raises a horrifically twisted hand]

VENTRUE: [ignoring Malkav] Yes, Tzimisce?

TZIMISCE: Yas. Do you think it vaz a disease, perrrhaps?

SAULOT: No... I don't think so. I'd know about it by now if it was.

MALKAV: Uh oh! I've got an idea!

VENTRUE: [groan] What?

MALKAV: Wait... no, that doesn't make sense! If we are three steps removed, then there would have to be a first AND second step... but they're both the same... if there even... ahh... *his head twitches and he starts muttering to himself*

BRUJAH: Malkav?

MALKAV: Yeah?

BRUJAH: Drop dead.

[silence]

MALKAV: Ain't it just TOO BAD you don't have Dominate?

BRUJAH: REAL men don't NEED Dominate!

[thud]

MALKAV: Charlie likes it when you touch me.

RAVNOS: Okay, I've got it.

VENTRUE: Yes?

RAVNOS: They're not REALLY vampires, they just THINK they are.

VENTRUE: Hmmm... not bad... but then the dumb ones will try to prove you wrong by taking a sunbake.

LASOMBRA: SO? Weeds out the stupid ones, less of a population problem, less nosey Progeny asking silly questions.

TOREADOR: Lasombra, you are perverted.

LASOMBRA: Hey, am I my brother's keeper?

TZIMISCE: He has a valid point, frrriend.

TOREADOR: Sickening creatures. hmmph.

[sniggering]

Saulot: Maybe we made a pact with Demons?

SET: Damned and Cursssed, yessss...

NOSFERATU: [looking at Set] Yeah, but if YOU say it, no one will believe it.

TREMERE: I know! We did it by magick!

[silence]

BRUJAH: Who the fuck are you?

TREMERE: Oh. Tremere, Arrogant Scheming Mage at your service!

SAULOT: Hang on, you're not supposed to be here until A.D. 1314!

TREMERE: So? I'm an Oracle of Time. I'll be when I want.

VENTRUE: A mortal, eh? Hey, Tremere!

TREMERE: Yeah?

VENTRUE: GET OUT.

TREMERE: Sure. [slams door behind him] Damn. Must learn how to do that.

VENTRUE: Actually, we might be onto something with this "curse" business. We haven't heard from Gangrel yet, and we need a female opinion at this juncture. What do you think, Gangrel?

[silence]

VENTRUE: Gangrel?

[more silence]

VENTRUE: Anybody seen Gangrel?

RAVNOS: Errr, actually, we've had a bit of a disagreement ...

MALKAV: Gypsie and the Wolfie sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes the blood, then comes the bond, but then he's got her soul and some Feral Claws!

RAVNOS: Suck off.

MALKAV: Did she do it doggy style?

[biff]

RAVNOS: Thank you, Brujah.

BRUJAH: No prob, bro.

VENTRUE: Okay, so what gives with this curse thing?

SAULOT: I read this book once... Well, they say that the first two sons of the first man had to give offerings to God. The first brother gave plants and stuff, and the second brother gave animal blood.

ALL: Yeah! All right! Sounds great! Cool!

SAULOT: So the older one -- Cain, I think -- killed Abel, the younger one, and was cursed by God for the very first murder.

HASSAM: Innovative man, this Cain.

SET: Ssso, we're dessscended from a psssychopathic greengrocccer. How about we're dessscended from the MURDERED one, ssso that we are the CHOSSSEN of God, the INHERITORSSS of DIVINE POWER, the--

MALKAV: You REALLY have a God complex, don't you, Set? Tell me about your mother. Did she lock you in a cupboard? Or--

[biff]

BRUJAH: Final warning, kook.

VENTRUE: Set, please, stop standing on your chair.

TREMERE: I like the "cursed by God" thing, actually.

VENTRUE: How did YOU get in here?

TREMERE: Correspondence. Don't you know ANYTHING? Hey, Saulot!

SAULOT: Yeah?

TREMERE: I JUST worked out where I've seen you before. Could I have a word with you outside? It won't take more than five minutes. Promise.

SAULOT: Sure. You seem like a decent enough fellow.

[slam]

LASOMBRA: Wonder what he wants ... anyway ...

TOREADOR: I think I prefer the older brother. He's a charming, regal figure who diligently sacrifices for his Lord, but is consumed by jealousy into a desperate act -- which he regrets later, of course -- but TOO LATE to avoid the harsh judgment of an UNCARING God, and is DOOMED to wander the earth, OUTCAST from his fellow man! Oh, the horror! Oh, the HUMANITY! Oh, the ANGST!

BRUJAH: What's an "angst"?

SET: Oh, it'sss a kind of a crossss, but with a loopy bit on top. My guysss love 'em.

BRUJAH: Oh. [pause] I don't get it ...

TOREADOR: Philistines.

[scream from outside]

TZIMISCE: Vat the hell vas that?

NOSFERATU: Sounded like Saulot. HEY! YOU GUYS SHUT UP OUT THERE!

[door opens]

TREMERE: Oh, sorry, uhhh ... Saulot says to say that, uhhh, he ... had to leave -- real quick, like ... uhhh, but he was REAL happy about it, and, uhhh, he was glad he caught up with you guys again.

NOSFERATU: Is it me, or does he look kinda pale?

VENTRUE: Who cares? Getting back to this curse thing ...

LASOMBRA: So, are we his direct Progeny, then? 'Cos if so, how come we don't know where he is now?

MALKAV: Whose fault is it that we can't find him? WHO CARRIES THE BLAME! [cackles]

RAVNOS: No, no, no, he made some OTHER guys first, and then THEY made US ...

TOREADOR: And he repented of the Horror he had unleashed upon the Earth! He banished himself from the sight of ALL!

MALKAV: He made some other guys, who must have made other guys, except he killed the first other guys, whom he replaced by some other other guys, although if math holds true, they had to have had some other other other guys, but instead you've got us. It's just... just... INSANE! I like it.

TOREADOR: If you must.

VENTRUE: But how come we're all so different?

TOREADOR: The Curse works in Mysterious Ways ...

NOSFERATU: Yeah! I used to be the most handsome man in the world ...

RAVNOS: Shut the hell up, Ralph.

LASOMBRA: And I had a reflection!

BRUJAH: Can I have been a philosopher?

RAVNOS: And Toreador used to have taste ...

MALKAV: And I used to be insane!

[silence]

VENTRUE: I think we might be pushing our luck here.

SUTEKH: Any BETTER ideasss?

VENTRUE: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. Magick?

TREMERE: Aye.

VENTRUE: That's one.

[silence]

VENTRUE: Okay, travellers from a parallel dimension?

MALKAV: Twenty-three.

VENTRUE: Your multiple personalities don't count, Malkav.

MALKAV: We resnt that. But believe what you will.

VENTRUE: The chosen son of God? ... Set, Lasombra, Tzimisce. Any others?

HASSAM: Aye.

VENTRUE: Okay, that's four. Cursed children of a psychopathic greengrocer? ... That's four, plus myself, five.

[groans]

LASOMBRA: Swinging the vote, you black-balling bureaucrat!

VENTRUE: If you don't like it, go and form your OWN group.

LASOMBRA: Maybe I will.

VENTRUE: Okay, then, I charge all of you to disperse this data to your Progeny, and I'll have MY people send out memos in triplicate to YOUR people before the start of the next fiscal year. Meeting adjourned! [banging noise, general muttering and shuffling] Drinks anyone?

MALKAV: Tremere must be full, I think he just ate. [insane cackling laughter]

TZIMISCE: Vy did you throw him out ze window, Brujah?

BRUJAH: I dunno, man, just something I had to do ... [sulking] none of you understand me, anyway ...

HASSAM: [whispered] Hey, Tremere!

TREMERE: What?

HASSAM: Saulot -- you did him in, didn't you? You snuffed him. Sucked him dry.

TREMERE: Uhhh ... yeah, I did.

[silence]

HASSAM: What's it like?

edited by Chris W.