Life

MrTeapot

MrTeapot is the holder of all answers to life. Though there have been many people who have used his divine knowledge to gain power and respect in the world: Jesus, Einstein, Newton and Parkinson...they all used MrTeapot's Teachings.

MrTeapot first came around when I puzzled on the question, "why is it you can hear the sea in a shell, but you can also hear it in yoghurt pots (empty of course)". When a little voice from under the bed called out an answer to me.

Simple. Yoghurt pots (empty of course) are made by the manufacturers out of shell. That way they are easilly cleaned, eco friendly, and the small critters inside of them can be used to transport messages between the pots by a piece of string.

And I had my answer. MrTeapot also taught my many more ways of life and his short quotes will be with me forever, wisdom such as You are only as smart as the number of Lightbulbs in your house.

MrTeapot lives under my bed in a Cardboard box speaking telepathically to random people in the world. Some say it is a voice from heaven, others think it is alien life forms, others think it is the wrong number and hang up. But whatever they think, it is always something not as great as what MrTeapot is thinking.

Contrary to popular belief, MrTeapot is not a Teapot. He is just a man with a slight Teapot shaped head. Other than that he is a perfectly ordinary bloke: Every day at 7:34am he wakes up and cleans his toe nails while making a cup of coffee and brushing his teeth. Then he would wait until he has beaten the cat next door at a stareing contest several times before sitting at his computer and room full of monkeys and solve world problems.

"Hang on, if he is such a genius then why hasn't he solved world hunger, cancer etc?"

He has, it's all explained in the book "So you have a small penis..." and it explains all the answers to lifes little problems such as the mystery behind Shaving Foam, HIV, and what really went on at the time of the Potato Incident of '99. But it is only available in hardback.

Honourary Dave

My name is Dave, Honourary Dave.

See Dave was a really cool guy I met in Summer a few years back, everyone worshiped Dave. So people called Dave around him tended to get the same treatment and were called Dave with pride.

That left us non-daves feeling a little left out, so in one meeting The Dave gathered all of us (nearly 30!) and selected those of us who he deemed 'Cool-enough-to-be-a-dave-without-actually-being-one' and elected us to the status of Honourary Dave.

But our numbers have shrivilled. Many of the Daves didn't return and this year we had to convince others of Dave's superiority and almost divine beingness. I spent a full day protecting The Dave in a waterfight that almost would have certainly got him wet, diving infront of gun shots and water ballons, attacking enemies without a weapon using only a cup of water to attack with, and at the same time keeping his ultra shiney badge shiney.

How is that for devotion.

Cheese

Cheese

Cheese is a Heavenly substance. It first fell to the earth many years ago as a crumb from a Picnic of the Gods.

Early man at that time did eat of this cheese and feel the sudden urge to stand on two feet and to eat food cooked with barbeque sauce. Ever since then we have as a human race tried to mimic the flavour of the Cheese Of The Gods.

Many places are known for their secret government testing facilities where they test new forms of Cheese on the people, the agents pose as supermarket independant researchers and take people to small rooms of biscuits and free water and force them to taste their creations.

This method of devious research has prooven succesful we have yet to taste Cheese exactly like that God filled Power we first tasted at the dawn of time, but there is one thing we know for certain. It was on a Thursday.

Thursdays

Thursdays are magical days, and before you grumble about 'oh but I have to do this on thursdays' or 'I have this lesson on thursdays' let me just tell you what the REAL week is like.

Every day is a Thursday. Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, Sundays and of course Thursdays are in fact only sub portion of Thursday.

The only exception to this is are Fridays, which are infact Fridays.

I haven't an explanation for this one, you'll just have to trust me. And I did not make this up, MrTeapot told me so it must be true. The logic behind this is something about if you take a second and a couple other measurements on how fast the earth orbits the sun and taking into account what colour underwear you are wearing on the day of the calculations you will nearly always find conclusive proof that Thursdays are everyday of the week (except Fridays, which are infact Fridays). And there we have it.

Penguins

Penguins

One By One The Penguins Steal My Sanity.

I see Penguins, They don't know they're Penguins, They only see what they want to see.

Beware The Penguins!

They come at night in groups, the sneak up to you while you sleep and reach inside your brain to steal the very essence of your sanity.

Then as quick as they have come they disappear, to another house, another bed, to steal another sanity. They have already attacked and stolen many, leaving rising numbers of insane who have no choice but to become rejects of society. If you think you are being attacked please sign up for the next Penguin Victims Annoymous session in your area now!

Bill The Pony

Almighty Bill (with Samwise)

Bill The Pony, Eater of Souls, Real defeater of Sauron and Man's Best Friend.

I appologise for the rather large picture of Bill {a thousand praises} but an important Deity deserves a large picture (couldn't find a better one). If you look closely you can see Sam, who is bearing the weight of the bags rather than Bill, is about to have his soul devoured by Pony before Ponies Bill.

I am currently working on getting the correct version of the Lord Of The Rings published instead of the small role Bill has in the current. Really it is Bill who deafeated Sauron in the begininng, who carried Gandalf on his journies faster than any horse, and it was Bill who prevented weak Frodo from stealing the ring at Mount Doom (a small typo is the case, Gollum - Bill, easy mistake to make so please don't rise up in anger and burn all copies of Tolkiens work in a mass orgy of blood as it isn't all his fault).

But with such vast power at his hands Bill The Pony {a thousand praises} must be kept satisfied. Not a sacrifice of Blood but a sacrifice of Souls. The idea candidate is a willing year 7, after a short ritual the soul is encapsualed in a 2 pence piece (another reason to be against the Euro) which is prompty devoured by Bill {a thousand praises}.

But all other souls are welcome! Please do not hesistate to offer your soul to Bill in return for much reward and enlightement that would surely make you closer to MrTeapot and Bill {a thousand praises}!

Breadstick Bomb

The Famed Breadstick Bomb is a devistating weapon. To the unknowing eye it is a tesco's economy breadstick, but if on a Thursday the breadstick is snapped exactly in the middle it causes a nuclear explosion so great that the fall cloud has its own gravitational pull because of it's density.

The cloud then pulls the earth and the moon together causing tidal waves, volcanic eruptions and lastly the moon to collide with earth herby ending the human race.

I have tried many times to end the world today, it is a good way of passing the time, plus I have a constant supply of starch from the failed ones.

'About 59'

This ingenius method of Mathmatical calculation was not created by me, yet MrTeapot chose another vessel for his superior knowledge, all it took was a box of Matches and Holly.

Take a box of matches, it is impossible to know exactly how many matches are in a box unless you look on he box itself, but that would be cheating. If you consider the content of matchsticks in the box to be 'about 59' matches you are most correct. This is because any number is about 59. 10 + 5 = about 59.

Using this method any mathematical calculation can be easily answered as the simple phrase 'about 59' caters for an infinate amount of answers. Next time you have an impossible equation "Find the value of x" write 'about 59' and your teacher will reward you for your excellent knowledge.

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