Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
Pyrowhere




Laws of Life


The following was written by not only myself, but my friend as well, including Jenn and Brent.

*** *** ***

THE LAWS OF LIFE!



1. Do not grease the monkey bars.



2. Goldfish do NOT bounce.



3. The fish in the entrance pond are not meant to be taken out of the water.



4. Flying is not possible.



5. Do not encourage others to fly.



6. The water in the entrance pond is not meant to be replaced with orange juice.



7. Do not go anywhere near the entrance pond.



8. Poisoned darts are not toys.



9. Don't make God angry.



10. It's really not safe sticking random metal objects into light fixtures. Trust me.



11. Black eyeshadow and red lipstick are not good makeup tips for a Harvard interview.



12. They aren't good for Yale either.



13. Or Princeton.



14. Metal sets off metal detectors.



15. Many dangerous things are metal. May come in handy.



16. When attempting to take over the world, do not start with Bermuda Triangle.



17. God really does see everything.



18. Do not have staring contests with the wall. You cannot win.



19. The Microsoft Clipit is a member of the Italian Mafia.



20. Yes, Clipit is stalking you. Be warned.



21. The stray cat is in league with the paperclip.



22. Don't try talking to Finnish tourists.



23. Mirrors aren't doors. Don't try to run through them.



24. Real blood is not ketchup.



25. Don't try to prove the medical profession wrong. You really do have organs inside of you.



26. Do not bully people bigger than you.



27. It really is possible for squirrels to fall out of trees.



28. The sun is bright when lit properly.



29. When attempting to stay home from school when you are not sick, do not hold the thermometer against the lightbulb for a long time. If you have a 109 degree fever and are still somewhat perky, people will suspect something fishy.



30. When attempting to fake a fever, make sure that the lightbulb is attached to the lamp and that the lamp is on before you hold the thermometer against it.



31. Lamps get hot.



32. Do not stare at the sun. It's a mean player at staring contests.



33. Light fixtures are not indestructable.



34. Flammable and inflammable. OMGawd, people, same thing.



35. Do not chew gum wrapping paper with you gum. Take it off first.



36. Some grapes have seeds.



37. Shoes are meant to be worn on your feet; not on your head or ears. Hands are optional.



38. Stop signs are the red ones.



39. Do not recite the Pledge of Allegiance to a Russian flag.



40. Hell: God's toaster oven.



41. There's really only one Santa. All the rest are fake.



42. Do not play Hide-n-Seek with Bin Laden. He hides too well.



43. Just smile and nod. Just smile and nod.



44. Oxygen really is needed to live!



45. Spontaneous combustion is not hereditary.



46. $0.25 machines aren't really $0.25 machines. They really are evil robots set on world domination and stealing your quarter.



47. "Bleeding heart liberals" are usually killed by hobos.



48. When an ink pen busts, tomato juice does not spill out.



49. Ink does not taste like strawberries.



50. Neither does tomato juice.



51. Frog love is...disturbing.



52. Paper is not a good chewing-gum substitute.



53. People with large heads do not have bigger brains. They just have more storage space.



54. Honey does not make a good adhesive.



55. Ice boxes do not make good friends.



56. Fish don't fly. Birds do.



57. Always remember to return the seeing-eye dog.



58. Don't contradict lizards.



59. Bugs taste good with Oreo cookies.



60. Bass drum mallets can and will be used as weapons.



61. Bees are cranky when woken.



62. Ants should not be included in the US census.



63. Do not instigate a revolution.



64. People born in 1801 are not still alive, not matter who tells you so.



65. Christmas is a way for parents to make their children behave the other 364 days of the year.



66. Do not prescribe medication to others.



67. Do not sell the school property.



68. Dizziness is the result of sniffing too many permanent markers.



69. CDs are not frisbees.



70. You do not have the authority to fire substitutes.



71. Numbers should only go up to 10. Any number higher is obsolete.



72. Woodchucks don't eat wood.



73. Thanksgiving is going to the turkeys....



74. Do not give glue to kindergartners.



75. We should have 20 toes so we should count better.



76. Roman numbers are more efficient.



77. Uncle Sam doesn't want YOU. He wants the guy next to YOU.



78. You really are omnipotent. It's only no one knows it yet.



79. Jump off the Empire State Building and prove that you are All-Powerful and cannot be harmed.



80. Be sure to continue this book when you get out of your coma. Thank also the lightpole that broke your fall.