REGULAR SHOW FANFICTION
(Mordecai and Rigby were sitting in their room, plugging their ears to drown out Benson's yelling on the other side of the door. They had really messed up big now and were never going to hear the end of it)
RIGBY: Dude, he's been yelling at us for HOURS now!
MORDECAI: Dude I know. But we can't just go talk to him. We need a plan.
RIGBY: What kind of plan?
MORDECAI: I don't know. Something better than waiting for the bear to throw up the tax returns.
RIGBY: Yeah that could take a while.
MORDECAI: It needs to be something big. We did not feed the tax returns to that bear. We were distracted and the bear ate it behind our backs.
RIGBY: It was pretty funny though, right?
MORDECAI: Ha-ha, yeah, he choked on the deductions... anyway, help me out here, we need a story. Otherwise he'll think we were slacking off again!
RIGBY: Sheesh, Benson needs to give it a rest. Make love, not bore.
MORDECAI: *gasp* What was that?
MORDECAI: No, love. Love can be distracting. And Benson can't refute it because he wasn't there.
RIGBY: Oh right, like Margaret decided to leave work and take a walk in the woods.
MORDECAI: Well, no...
RIGBY: There's nobody else.
MORDECAI: Oh I think there is...
RIGBY: ...*gasp* no... no... not Muscle Man!
MORDECAI: What? Ew! No! I meant you!
RIGBY: Me? Why me?
MORDECAI: We'll just say... that I got lost in your eyes.
MORDECAI: No it'll be perfect!
RIGBY: No! It's stupid!
(Just then, Benson slammed open the door, prompting the two to back up against a wall, terrified as Benson menacingly walked towards them. With each step his foot pounded the floor, boards creaking under the pressure)
BENSON: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!? YOUR NEGLIGENCE IS CRIMINAL! I WILL SUE AND YOU TWO ARE GOING TO JAIL!!
MORDECAI: We're gay.
BENSON: AND I WILL PERSONALLY-- what?
MORDECAI: He was so handsome just standing there that I was overwhelmed with love and had to confess my feelings for him. It's not our fault that the tax returns were eaten. It was an accident.
BENSON: You two are gay.
MORDECAI: Yeah, totally.
RIGBY: Been going on for five years.
BENSON: I don't believe it.
RIGBY: You ever hear of arguing like an old married couple?
MORDECAI: Heh-heh, yeah, we do that all the time!
BENSON: If you two clowns have had... feelings for each other... for the past five years, then you must have reached some milestones.
MORDECAI: Well it's not like we can get married. We've been frustrated. For five years.
RIGBY: *walks over and hugs Mordecai, crying* Loverboy, it hurts so much!
BENSON: Prove it. Prove that you two are gay.
(Mordecai and Rigby looked at each other nervously. They had no choice now. Without warning, Mordecai got down on his knees and gave Rigby a deep kiss. Rigby was too stunned to move during and after. Mordecai wanted to seal the deal, so he hugged Rigby and said "I love you so much, we're going to get through this." He resumed standing, waiting awkwardly for Benson to respond. Benson was just as shocked and was unsure of himself)
BENSON: ...uh... okay. Okay, maybe I... misjudged you. It still doesn't get you off the hook, but I apologize. Uh, congratulations, I wish I could do something to help, but as it is we're in serious trouble without those returns. Skips can make a few phone calls and maybe work something out, but don't expect miracles. I'll be too busy worrying about this park to give the time of day to your relationship. It would help me out if you put your feelings on hold for a while and looked into ways to smooth over this crisis. I'll definitely recognize your efforts and put it in the park records. You know what, there's an idea. I'll put your relationship into the park records because you'd be the first gay couple here. We could spin it as the park embracing diversity. I want you two to get support from tourists and other people, which would make us look good when we're going through negotiations. See what you can do.
MORDECAI: Okay, no problem.
BENSON: But if you prove yourself to be as incompetent as you were with setting up chairs, then YOU'RE FIRED! WITH LEGAL CONSEQUENCES! *slams door on way out*
RIGBY: So... what the H was up with that kiss?
MORDECAI: I had to make us look good.
RIGBY: You gave me bird cooties for the rest of my life. This better be worth it.
MORDECAI: It will.
(Muscle Man suddenly burst through the room window, shattering glass in his wake. He was out of breath and in disbelief)
MUSCLE MAN: I came as quickly as I could! I heard there was a guy snogging a hot chick in here!
MORDECAI: No, Rigby's the chick.
MUSCLE MAN: But I heard there was snogging!
RIGBY: Who did you hear it from?
MUSCLE MAN: I have my sources. Foraging for hot chicks is a survival skill that's been passed down from Muscle Man to Muscle Man. It has become my torch to bear.
RIGBY: *looks over at the window, High Five Ghost quickly ducks out of view* Aw man, High Five was watching us!
MORDECAI: Wait you were watching us?
MUSCLE MAN: All I want to know is, where's the lady?
RIGBY: I was the lady. Mordecai kissed me.
MORDECAI: We're gay.
(Muscle Man's jaw hanged open, as he slowly backed up and fumbled for a doorknob that wasn't there. Mordecai and Rigby kept eye contact as Muscle Man slowly walked around the room, keeping his distance. He slowly backed out of the room through the shattered window, followed by High Five Ghost)
MORDECAI: At this rate we'll never get support.
RIGBY: If we get some, will you drop this gay thing? I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about it.
MORDECAI: It was just one kiss!
RIGBY: I don't want to turn into Rig-gay, thanks.
MORDECAI: Dude how are we going to get support if you won't play along? We have to sell ourselves. We have to make other people believe it. You were doing such a good job before the--
RIGBY: Yeah okay, I'll do it. But I warn you, bird cooties kill the host within days. Let's just get this over with and let me enjoy the final days of my life.
MORDECAI: You're making that stuff up! Bird cooties aren't real, you aren't going to die!
RIGBY: Wha? Who said that? Mordecai, is that you? I think I'm going blind!
MORDECAI: You better play along or I'm never letting you be Player 1 again.
(Mordecai and Rigby drafted a pamphlet and handed them out to people passing by at the park entrance, in addition to explaining their situation. Everyone was getting on board)
RIGBY: Look at all the money we're getting!
MORDECAI: Charity's okay, right? Like Benson won't get taxed for that too?
RIGBY: I dunno. We're just doing what Benson told us to.
GRANNY PASSERBY: *looks at pamphlet* Excuse me, are you two getting married?
MORDECAI: Will we get more money and support if we do?
GRANNY PASSERBY: Of course!
MORDECAI: Then yes.
(Mordecai got down on both knees to Rigby's eye level)
MORDECAI: Rigby, you've always been much more than a friend to me. It takes more than a friend to apologize and stick by each other's side even after the most cruel and hate-filled of arguments. It takes more than a friend to risk our own lives for each other.
RIGBY: ...so... I'm a super-friend?
MORDECAI: When a lightbulb goes out, I don't have to worry because when I look at you, you light up the room. You are my bluebird of happiness.
RIGBY: *blushing* geez Mordecai, save some for the vows...
MORDECAI: I don't have a ring yet, but I promise that won't be an obstacle. If you can imagine for now my hand being the ring...
(Mordecai made a circle with his hand and Rigby eagerly extended his ring finger. Gently Mordecai put the makeshift ring onto Rigby's finger)
RIGBY: *smiling* It fits.
MORDECAI: I love you. Rigby, will you marry me?
RIGBY: Yes! Yes I will!
(as they embraced, the crowd burst into applause)
GRANNY PASSERBY: When's the big day?
MORDECAI: This Saturday!
RIGBY: WHAT!? No, no Saturday!
RIGBY: Make it this Friday!
(there was more applause and donating of money)
MORDECAI: Thank you all for your support, and we look forward to seeing you there. It'll be here in the park, say... what, noon?
RIGBY: Yeah, noon's good.
MORDECAI: See you then on Friday!
(the crowd disperses, Mordecai and Rigby are walking back to the house with the briefcase of money. Rigby still has the hand-ring on his finger)
MORDECAI: Okay dude, you can take my hand off now.
RIGBY: No, I kinda like it.
MORDECAI: Can we at least switch sides?
RIGBY: But then it'd be a different ring.
MORDECAI: I think you're taking this too seriously.
MORDECAI: The act's over, at least 'til Friday.
RIGBY: What act? You were dumping your heart out all over me!
MORDECAI: Yeah, I know. I had to get the support, remember? And thanks for playing along, you were a big help.
RIGBY: *in shock* You can have your hand back. *takes it off* The wedding's off.
MORDECAI: What? Why?
RIGBY: FOR BEING SUCH A JERK! YOU HOLE!
MORDECAI: What's your problem?
RIGBY: You're the problem! Wasn't ANY of that real?
MORDECAI: No, of course not!
RIGBY: Don't give me that! You're not that good an actor!
MORDECAI: Well... maybe a little.
RIGBY: Say it!
MORDECAI: Why do you care?
RIGBY: Because I want it to be real!
(Mordecai stood speechless for a while)
RIGBY: Don't you like me?
MORDECAI: Of course I do, you're my pal.
RIGBY: Am I your bluebird?
MORDECAI: *sigh* Rigby...
RIGBY: Either I'm your bluebird and you're too chicken to admit it, or you're running me over with a tank. And I'm really getting tired of getting killed!
MORDECAI: Yeah I know. I didn't... I didn't mean to run you over, I would never do that. But honestly, I don't want to go down this path. I'm supposed to be with Margaret.
RIGBY: Oh please, we both know you're getting nowhere with her.
MORDECAI: Only because you keep sabotaging it!
RIGBY: That was one time!
MORDECAI: And whatever happened to you not wanting to be Rig-gay?
RIGBY: Oh so now I can't change? In case it hasn't occurred to you, I have no one.
MORDECAI: What about that girl Eileen?
RIGBY: NO. ONE. Then you said those things to me, and finally, there's someone who... loves me. I liked it, I felt secure, relieved. If there's anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with, it's you. I just need to know if you feel the same way.
MORDECAI: Wow, I didn't know it meant this much to you. This must be the most important thing in the world, you're talking like me.
RIGBY: Well it kinda is.
MORDECAI: ...I don't know. I can't say for certain what I think.
RIGBY: What do you think about me right now? Come on! It's not that hard!
MORDECAI: Rigby I don't want this to come between us! We had a good thing going! Maybe that's why I don't feel the same way, marriage changes a guy.
RIGBY: Just forget it. Go to hell, Mordecai.
(Rigby storms off to return to the house, carrying the briefcase with him. Mordecai's following not far behind. Back at the house, Rigby's too furious to look at Mordecai, while Mordecai stares with sorrow)
RIGBY: Hey Benson, is the park going to make it?
BENSON: Well it took a lot of yelling, but I got the guy to back down and send out more blank forms.
RIGBY: That's my Benson, he doesn't take guff from nobody!
BENSON: And he gave us an extension. So I will have to fill out the forms ALL over again, and you better STAY out of my way unless you want to be FIRED... and with luck we're just going to make it. What have you two been up to? ...hey, what's going on? Whatever you two are angry about, cut it out right now or you're fired!
RIGBY: We're not on speaking terms.
MORDECAI: I'm sorry!
BENSON: Let's have it! And... what the? How much money is that?
RIGBY: I got support and donations for the park, just like you said. It's charity, so we don't have to add it, right?
BENSON: The park is NOT a charity organization! I don't know all the rules, but right now it looks like we came into a lot of money. Unless we spend all this and keep it off the books, we could get nailed for tax fraud!
RIGBY: But you're doing the forms over anyway. Just mention the money.
BENSON: No! That looks like more than we could reasonably make by ourselves! And the tax man's coming in two days!
MORDECAI: Shoot, on the day of the wedding.
RIGBY: There isn't going to be a wedding!
BENSON: WHAT!? WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY TELL ME THINGS!?
MORDECAI: We were going to have a wedding to get married. Everyone's psyched for it and they'll support us more if we do it. But now Rigby's pis-- I mean, he's upset and wants to call it off.
BENSON: Yeah you BETTER call it o-- wait. A wedding takes a lot of preparation and spending. That would get rid of the money.
MORDECAI: I thought you wanted to use it for renovations.
BENSON: Well yeah, but since you IDIOTS promised them a wedding, I guess we have no choice! It's short notice but I think we can pull it off.
RIGBY: There's not going to be a wedding! How many times do I have to say that?
BENSON: You two are going to have a wedding or you're fired! I'm not about to ruin the park's reputation and encounter less tourism to the point of shutting this whole pig sty down just because you got cold feet! Now where's the ring?
MORDECAI: Don't have one.
BENSON: GO BUY A RING! What time's the wedding?
BENSON: THE TAX MAN'S COMING AT ONE! That's going to look REALLY suspicious when he sees our humble little park hosting a huge wedding!
MORDECAI: The wedding won't last that long.
BENSON: Yes it will! I've been to a few, they are ALWAYS an involved affair.
RIGBY: Heh, I wish I was there. Everyone else smiling, and you with that frown, like... yeah, like that.
MORDECAI: What's the problem? It's all paid for by donations. That's understandable, right?
BENSON: It just doesn't look good.
RIGBY: Why's he coming out so late? Wouldn't he want to get the forms out as early as possible?
BENSON: I already have to deal with the unfathomable stupidity of you two. Don't ask me to explain someone else's incompetence. This wouldn't have happened if you didn't let the forms get eaten in the first place!
MORDECAI: Well, we're here now, we have to deal with this situation.
BENSON: You know, for a couple about to be married, you two don't look happy!
MORDECAI: ...we had a fight.
BENSON: Oh GREAT! Are you telling me you two don't want to get married? The whole reason we got into this mess was that you two couldn't keep your hands off of each other! The people who donated expect a happy wedding. It's glorious, it's worthy of celebration. If they don't get that, they're gonna want their money back which we'll no longer have! And you can bet they'll visit in the days to come and ask how it's going. We need a happy couple who stays happy! Unless you plan to fake your way through it for the rest of your lives, you better get to talking and sort your problems out! Go buy a ring, and don't come back until you two are madly in love! I want to see results!
RIGBY: *not turning around* You heard Benson. Go buy a ring, I don't care. I'm staying right here.
MORDECAI: The sooner we fix this, the better.
MORDECAI: I'm sorry. It's just taking me time to adjust to the idea. I didn't think it'd mean this much to you, and if I knew beforehand... I don't know. I never meant to hurt you.
RIGBY: You keep saying the same stuff.
MORDECAI: ...are you still open? If I said right now that I want to be with you, would we be friends again?
RIGBY: Not friends. Let me explain this in a way your brain can understand. If you were with Margaret, if you two were dating and I was NOT sabotaging it... you like her and she seems to like you. But then you find out she's been putting you on so she could get a promotion and leave your feather tail behind. She used you.
MORDECAI: Who says that's not happening right now? She's always off with other boyfriends.
RIGBY: No, not with other boyfriends because she found someone better. Imagine she has nothing better to do and decides to use you.
MORDECAI: I would feel pretty bad.
RIGBY: Worse than bad, horrible. You haven't been through that. You've been jealous, but you haven't been used. And yet you did that to me.
MORDECAI: ...so I'm a terrible person?
MORDECAI: I had no way of knowing. Rigby you can't hold that against me, I didn't know! ...alright... you want to know the truth? I was ashamed. When I called you my bluebird and all that, it was because you're a very good friend and I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated that. You can't be replaced. Do I love you? Love's a strong word... I love you like a brother, but not as a lover. I can't see that happening. As I was talking, I realized that maybe it could be seen that way, but it was all true. I was scared. I still want to be with Margaret.
MORDECAI: I wasn't sure how us getting together in that way would play out. What would happen? Would we stop working and just look at each other all day?
RIGBY: Well no, we could still play videogames and do all the other stuff we like. But I'd expect some comforting once in a while. And whatever else couples do.
MORDECAI: Would we... make love?
RIGBY: Ew no! We're too cool for that.
MORDECAI: Cool? Are you starting to reconsider?
MORDECAI: You are, aren't you?
RIGBY: Just come out and say it! You love me! Say it!
MORDECAI: I love you!
RIGBY: Like a lover...
MORDECAI: ...yes, like a lover.
BENSON: I thought I told you two to go get a ring!
MORDECAI: We're having a moment.
BENSON: Oh. It better be good, or you're--
MORDECAI: Or we're fired, we know. (looks back over at Rigby) It will be.
BENSON: Okay, I'll leave you to it, but hurry up!
(Benson leaves again)
MORDECAI: I've known you better than anyone else, and I suppose if I had to go that way, you'd be perfect. Just wish we wouldn't fight as much. Listen, I know I'm being stubborn. I want to make this work, it's comforting to know that I'm loved and I certainly want to return the favor. It may be our best chance at a romantic relationship. But I need time, I still think it's weird. It's kind of embarrassing to hold hands, or give massages. Give out hugs. Say cute little things that make us smile. Sleep together in the same bed because I feel sorry for you being on a trampoline. Things like that.
RIGBY: You would do those things for me?
MORDECAI: Yeah. Uh, with you. A relationship's a two-way street. I want some hugs from you too.
RIGBY: *smiles* Alright. We could take it slow at first.
MORDECAI: Yeah that sounds good. And besides, we won't get bugged as much. If we're gay enough, they'll give us privacy. We'll be able to do whatever we want!
RIGBY: Now that sounds like a good reason to get married!
MORDECAI: So do you forgive me?
RIGBY: Yeah. I can't stay mad at you. ...is this a good time for a hug?
MORDECAI: Any time's a good time! Come here, bluebird!
(they hug tightly)
(Mordecai and Rigby are on their way to a jewelry store)
RIGBY: How about if I wander by and just happen to look through the window?
MORDECAI: No! You can't see me buy the ring! Otherwise it won't be a surprise!
RIGBY: I just want to make sure you'll get the 50-karats one.
MORDECAI: I think they only go up to 24.
RIGBY: Then buy twice more rings! Do I have to think of everything?
MORDECAI: Twice as many? That's not how it works, you're only supposed to have one.
RIGBY: Well I'm special so it's two. What about those guys on TV with the bling and the shizzle?
MORDECAI: They're rappers, you're not. You're the... groom? Bride?
RIGBY: I prefer "brode".
MORDECAI: Come to think of it, Benson didn't give us a budget. All this money will go towards the wedding, but he's trusting us to split it up just right. Maybe he forgot?
RIGBY: Ooh! Cake! Cake! I want a chocolate cake that's ten layers high!
RIGBY: Nine layers?
MORDECAI: We have to go back, somehow we're going to screw things up.
RIGBY: No we're good. Look, we'll just pop into the store and pick out a ring.
MORDECAI: Pick out a ring, right. But we're not-- I'm not buying it until I get Benson's approval.
RIGBY: Hey! Whose wedding is this?
MORDECAI: It's OUR wedding. If we did everything you said, we'd have to sell Benson's gumballs to pay for half of it.
RIGBY: Well I know for a fact that I get to have a say in what ring I get.
MORDECAI: No, it's a gift from me that says what I think of you. For a lifetime.
RIGBY: And if you get a retarded one, I'll know you're a cheapskate.
MORDECAI: There's no such thing as a retarded ring! I'll get you a good one, but it has to be cheap. Unless you can con some more money from the people outside the park.
RIGBY: Nah. We'd need to really put on a show for that to happen. Playboy kind of stuff.
MORDECAI: How do you know about that?
RIGBY: Know about what?
MORDECAI: Okay look, there's the store. Now stay put. I mean it, don't try to sneak a look or anything. I want you to be surprised when you get that ring.
RIGBY: Oh I'll be surprised. By how lame it is! You need my expertise.
MORDECAI: If Benson comes by for whatever reason, tell him I need to talk to him. I'll be out soon.
(Mordecai enters the jewelry store)
MORDECAI: Hey I'm looking for a-- hey, aren't you the guy who wouldn't give us a refund on the Realm of Darthon game?
STORE MANAGER: Oh yeah, it's -you-. I had to stay in the hospital for a week! Then there were complications which put me in surgery for two more weeks! I almost died! And I had to sell my TV to help cover my part of the bill!
MORDECAI: So do you think you can help me find a ring?
STORE MANAGER: Oh I'll help you. Get out of my sight before I send YOU to the hospital.
MORDECAI: You know, I don't like your tone and I'm thinking of taking my money elsewhere. I'd like to speak to your manager.
STORE MANAGER: I AM the manager! Now leave!
MORDECAI: You'd be missing out on this... *opens briefcase*
STORE MANAGER: *sigh* Fine. What would you like, -sir-...
MORDECAI: Something for a guy on a budget.
STORE MANAGER: Alright, what is your budget?
MORDECAI: I'm thinking... what, $200? Is that high or low?
STORE MANAGER: That's scraping the bottom of the Earth.
MORDECAI: Just for that, now I'm only going to spend $100.
STORE MANAGER: The cheapest I can go is $2,000.
MORDECAI: What? What a ripoff! Forget you man, I'm gonna go somewhere where my money's appreciated.
STORE MANAGER: You'll be wasting your time!
RIGBY: So, what'd you get?
MORDECAI: The guy in there is a loser. He wants me to spend everything just for one ring.
RIGBY: And why didn't you do that?
MORDECAI: We need to get Benson here, he'd set that guy straight. I don't know of any other place that sells rings, so it'd be our only shot.
RIGBY: No, I got a better idea. Set that guy gay.
(they watch a woman walk into the store, furious. She comes out a short while later, just as upset)
MORDECAI: Excuse me, miss? What's wrong?
WOMAN: The guy in there won't give me a refund! I was told-- oh hi! You're the couple who's getting married, aren't you? Anyway, I was told this was 24-karat. It is not, it is 10-karat!
MORDECAI: Yeah that guy's a moron. I tried to buy a ring from him and he's asking for more than I can afford!
WOMAN: Really? It looks like you have enough there...
MORDECAI: Uh, no, these are the funds for the entire wedding.
WOMAN: I think you're going to come up short on everything.
MORDECAI: Well whatever. As it stands, I have no ring.
WOMAN: Well... do you want this one I bought? It's worthless to me, but it's... it's something at least.
MORDECAI: Sure, how much do you want for it?
WOMAN: Uh, none thanks... this one's on me. You'll need all the money you can get, seriously. How will you be ready in time?
MORDECAI: You know what? This will be a special wedding. It's going to be unlike anything that you've seen before. None of this ten-layer cake or vine decoration or other fluff. I want it to be personal. Really get at the heart of expressing what I want it to be, without all the other distractions.
WOMAN: Well, I look forward to seeing it. And everyone else I'm sure. Oh, and you too! *waves to Rigby* See you on Friday!
MORDECAI: So see Rigby, it's gonna be cool. What do you think, does this ring work?
RIGBY: Mm, I dunno. You threw out my suggestions, you didn't get me the ring I wanted... I'm gonna say no.
MORDECAI: I'm doing the best I can! If you think you can do any better, you deal with it!
RIGBY: No no no... I want to see this "heart of expression" thing you have in mind.
MORDECAI: You are going to like it. You will forgive me and love me for it. You are going to be so amazed that you'll want to jump into my arms before we get to the "I do"s.
RIGBY: Promise a chocolate cake and we have a deal.
MORDECAI: Chocolate cake included.
RIGBY: Yeah! Let's go tell Benson the good news!
(back at the house)
BENSON: So let me get this straight.
RIGBY: You mean get this gay.
BENSON: SHUT UP! You don't want to go with a traditional wedding because we're short on cash. I understand that. But the problem is, we don't have a choice! I've checked on the other expenses while you were gone -- I HOPE you didn't spend too much money on that ring because I realized after you left that you took EVERYTHING with you...
MORDECAI: This ring cost zero dollars.
BENSON: Zero? You stole it?
MORDECAI: No no, we didn't steal it. There was a lady who bought a ring she didn't want, and she gave it to us. Besides, the guy at the store wants at least $2,000, and we don't have that much.
BENSON: Unfortunately, we won't have anywhere near enough to pay for the other things, if we only have less than $2,000. So that's it. This wedding can't happen.
MORDECAI: No it can. We cut down on the price of the cake by just buying a normal one. A chocolate cake.
RIGBY: Woo, chocolate!
BENSON: You can't have a wedding with a regular chocolate cake! There's going to be a ton of guests and they'll all want a piece!
MORDECAI: Which is why I am devising a plan for a special wedding.
BENSON: There's not going to be a special wedding!
MORDECAI: This is the problem Benson, you're all holed up in a tiny box. You need to break out. If the special wedding can't work, then a traditional one most certainly couldn't. So we have to give it a chance. The people will expect something, and my plan is the best chance we'll have to avoid disappointing them and staying on budget.
RIGBY: And you should have heard him, his plan will knock our socks off! What was it, I'll want to rush into your arms before they get to the "I do"s?
BENSON: Right, what's the plan?
MORDECAI: ...uh... to buy a cake, put a bunch of chairs on the lawn... bring refreshments which we can provide straight from the fridge... buy a holy book from somewhere... and... oh yeah, buy a wedding tape to play on the stereo. And that's all we really need.
BENSON: No offense, but that's the worst idea I ever heard.
MORDECAI: I don't think a real wedding's that different. Just with more vines and candles.
BENSON: What about the outfits?
MORDECAI: Screw 'em.
BENSON: No! You need outfits!
MORDECAI: You're hiding in your little box again. The money we save by not buying suits is money that we can spend on more cakes so there'd be enough for everybody.
BENSON: ...fine. This wedding's not legally binding anyway. Sure, why not, let's make it look fake too!
MORDECAI: Wait what? This isn't real?
RIGBY: That blows!
BENSON: If you have a problem with it, call your local state representative.
MORDECAI: Fine we will! What's his number?
BENSON: It's 5-5-5 I don't give a crap! Figure it out yourselves! The state's not going to approve gay marriage in time for your little wedding. If however you want a real wedding somewhere later down the road, it's not going to happen unless you do some real work to get a real job so you can move to a real state and afford a real wedding!
MORDECAI: *gasp* This means we don't have to pay for a pope, we can just use someone here!
RIGBY: Ooh, Pops!
BENSON: A pope? What are you talking-- oh, a pastor or priest?
MORDECAI: Yeah, the head holy guy.
BENSON: See, this is why I'm in charge of this wedding and you're not, because you obviously know nothing about how any of it works! I should be the pastor!
BENSON: But I can't because I'm overseeing the event, so it has to be someone else.
MORDECAI: Make it Pops.
BENSON: You've already done your part! Now it's my turn!
RIGBY: What about a banner? Don't we need a banner, like "Mordecai & Rigby's Wedding"?
MORDECAI: That costs like nothing.
BENSON: Except for the time and hard work in digging a couple holes to put posts into the ground, then lifting them into place!
MORDECAI: ...which costs us nothing because we're not going to do it. You and Skips are great at that sort of thing.
BENSON: RRRAAAAAHH!! *picks up a nearby trash can and throws it at them* GO MAKE YOURSELVES USEFUL OR YOU'RE FIRED! And give me that money! *yanks it away from them*
MORDECAI: Can you at least give us $20? We're going to pick out some music.
BENSON: No! I'll handle it!
RIGBY: Mordecai, I got $20 right here. Last week's payment, never used it.
MORDECAI: Sweet. See ya!
(Mordecai and Rigby visit the music store)
RIGBY: While we're here, can we pick up some headphones? I didn't know Benson's yelling was louder than a jet engine.
MORDECAI: Quick, off the top of the head, what's your favorite song?
RIGBY: Summer Love Loving in the Summertime!
MORDECAI: What? No! Pick something cool.
RIGBY: It's the only choice for a wedding.
MORDECAI: Don't you remember what happened last time we played that song?
RIGBY: Um... no.
MORDECAI: It chased us everywhere and we had to come up with an even more catchy song to defeat it.
RIGBY: How about Love to Love You Baby?
MORDECAI: Come on!
RIGBY: Pop Goes the Weasel?
MORDECAI: Just sit outside. I'll be right back.
(Mordecai enters the store)
RIGBY: Lousy Mordecai... if things went my way, this wedding would be awesome. Guess I better practice being gay. ...er, if I knew how. What does a gay person sound like?
POPS: Ah-ha! Hello!
RIGBY: Oh hi Pops! Mordecai won't let me pick out a song for the wedding, so immature.
POPS: A wedding? Did you say a wedding?
RIGBY: Yeah, there's one happening on Friday.
POPS: How delightful! Oh, you can't go wrong with the classics, you should try the Pineapple Rag!
RIGBY: That doesn't sound like a wedding song.
POPS: It's not, but it always gets me doing the jitterbug!
RIGBY: Were you ever married?
POPS: I've courted many a fair lady, but fate decided our paths weren't meant to align and I continue to wander that lonely road of solitude.
RIGBY: Sounds like you're taking it well enough.
POPS: Oh I am!
(Mordecai comes out)
MORDECAI: This is sure to work, "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" by-- oh hi Pops.
POPS: Hello! Are you going to the wedding too?
MORDECAI: Yeah. Rigby and I are getting married.
RIGBY: We're gay.
POPS: As well you should be! Why I'm gay too!
RIGBY: Hands off, Pops! He's mine!
POPS: We can ALL be gay! Why I was gay last night when I--
MORDECAI: WHOA whoa whoa! Too much information!
POPS: --when I found a copper coin from 1893 in between the couch cushions.
RIGBY: What's gay about that?
POPS: 1893! I was ecstatic! Over the clouds!
RIGBY: Oh yeah... that was the year you were born, right?
MORDECAI: *punches Rigby* Pops, what do you think gay means?
POPS: Happy! Overjoyed!
MORDECAI: No, we're... we like guys.
POPS: So do I!
MORDECAI: No, REALLY like guys.
POPS: Well handcuff me and call me Bonnie, guilty as charged! So, who are the brides?
MORDECAI: ...us, we're marrying each other.
POPS: Oh-ho, how droll! You almost pulled the wool over my eyes!
MORDECAI: We're serious.
POPS: This will be a riot! I must come. Friday at what time?
RIGBY: At noon. And you better hold onto your top hat because we're going to kiss! A big fat sloppy kiss!
MORDECAI: *disgusted* Dude, it's not supposed to gross people out.
POPS: Duly noted, I shall affix it to my head with tape. Ta-ta!
RIGBY: Oh dude we forgot to ask him to be the... guy who does the ceremony!
MORDECAI: That's Benson's decision, isn't it? Ah well, we've still got time.
(they spent the rest of the day getting prepared, letting Benson buy things as required. Soon it was the end of the day and everyone was getting ready for bed)
BENSON: Okay you two, get a full night's rest. Everything we got today, that's what we're sticking with. No more purchases. Tomorrow we'll carry out a rehearsal.
MORDECAI: No we won't.
BENSON: Yes. We will.
MORDECAI: Rehearsals are phony. Where's the heart, where's the spontaneous stuff? All it does is put on more pressure when it should be a relaxed affair. And this is fake, right? I don't want anyone to be tense, tomorrow or the day after. So, no rehearsal.
BENSON: The rehearsal is mandatory. I'm going to select who I think is the best fit for each role, then we'll act it out. If there's any problems along the way, I'm kicking them out and putting someone else in. First one to do a decent job wins the role, and so on.
RIGBY: Pops for pope.
BENSON: Just go to bed.
(he closes the door and leaves)
RIGBY: *yawn* Well, good night.
MORDECAI: Dude, come sleep with me. We'll be doing it anyway.
RIGBY: Doing what?
MORDECAI: Sleeping together. Come on, into the bed.
(Rigby hops in)
RIGBY: You're right, this is more comfy. And it's just sleeping right, nothing else?
MORDECAI: ...Yeah, of course. I mean, if you want it to be.
(Rigby puts his arms around Mordecai and lays in close)
RIGBY: This is how couples sleep, right?
MORDECAI: *puts hand around Rigby* Yeah I think so.
RIGBY: It feels nice. *yawn* Night.
(the next morning, everyone's gathered at the front of the house. Mordecai and Rigby are still sleepy)
BENSON: You didn't do anything last night, did you?
MORDECAI: No, we're just not used to waking up this early.
BENSON: It's 10:00.
RIGBY: Really? Wow, we must have overslept.
BENSON: I didn't hear your alarm go off, you must have forgotten to set it.
MORDECAI: ...oh yeah! Heh, now I remember.
BENSON: I didn't want to walk in there and see something I'd regret, so we set up the rehearsal without you. But if you did do something last night and I later find out about it, you're FIRED!
MUSCLE MAN: So wait... it's a guy and a GUY?
BENSON: Yes Muscle Man. We've been over this.
MORDECAI: Wait what are you doing here? Last we saw you, you were trying to get away from us.
MUSCLE MAN: Well first I got away, then I threw up, then I took a shower... but now it's awesome! I always knew you weren't good enough for the ladies!
BENSON: Right away I want to find out who the pastor's going to be, so we'll go among the candidates and have them recite a few lines. First one to do it well gets the position.
POPS: How exciting! How do we decide who goes first? Eeny meeny moe?
SKIPS: Arm wrestling?
BENSON: No. I've got my own order which is completely fair because I say so. And that first person is going to be...
RIGBY: ...please be Pops, please be Pops...
BENSON: Muscle Man.
MUSCLE MAN: WOOOOOO!! This one's in the BAG!!
(Muscle Man, Mordecai, and Rigby are at the altar)
MUSCLE MAN: I must ask you two to smile during these proceedings... thank you. *ahem* We are gathered here today to join this dude and this other dude in... line?
BENSON: HOLY MATRIMONY!
MUSCLE MAN: Holy alimony.
BENSON: READ THE BOOK! IT'S RIGHT THERE!
MUSCLE MAN: I can't, the words are too small.
BENSON: Just skip to the last part!
MUSCLE MAN: Okay... by the powers invested in me, I pronounce you Mordecai and Rigby, two dudes who shall be together for the end of time, as husband and dude-wife. You may now suck face. ...heh, you know who ELSE likes to suck face?
BENSON: GET OUT! Pops, get up there!
POPS: Ahahaha! Oh, what a glorious morning, how are you two today?
MORDECAI: (grinning from ear to ear) We're great. Go on.
POPS: Oh I remember this book! I used to have fond memories of sitting in at a chapel while my uncle George--
BENSON: STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
POPS: But it's an endearing tale that I think is relevant--
BENSON: YOU'RE OUT! Next!
POPS: ...oh. *leaves the altar*
MORDECAI: Please Benson, give him a second chance.
RIGBY: We're begging you!
BENSON: Rules are rules! Skips?
SKIPS: No, I don't want to do it.
BENSON: GET UP THERE OR YOU'RE FIRED!
(Skips goes up)
SKIPS: Mordecai and Rigby are in love. We give them our blessings and wish them many beautiful mornings by each other's side. You are now husband and wife. *leaves*
RIGBY: ...that actually wasn't bad.
MORDECAI: Yeah I'd much rather have a short personal wedding than hear about the alignment of the stars or the laws of marriage from dead guys.
BENSON: Skips, was that all you were planning to say or did you go through all of your phrases at once?
SKIPS: That's all of it, I told you I didn't want to do it.
BENSON: Well, that's everyone.
SKIPS: What about you?
BENSON: I'm planning this trainwreck of a wedding, I can't do it!
MUSCLE MAN: What about Fives?
BENSON: I don't think being talked to by a ghost is a good thing.
MUSCLE MAN: That's life discrimination! You take that back!
BENSON: High Five Ghost, do you want to give it a go?
(High Five Ghost shakes his head)
BENSON: Right. Well, of the candidates we tried, Pops went off track, and Skips' speech is too short for consideration, so that only leaves--
DOUG: Hi everyone, what's going on?
BENSON: Aren't you supposed to be in jail?
DOUG: I got time off for good behavior. I'm a changed otter, trust me. What are you having, a wedding?
BENSON: Get out before I call the cops!
RIGBY: No, wait... hi Doug, we're having a rehearsal.
DOUG: Mr. Rigby! Listen, I'm sorry for impersonating you. It will never happen again because each monster can only appear in one episode. You weren't always fair to me, but you gave me a chance I wouldn't have had otherwise. I have a stable job now flipping burgers and was thinking I could crash here while they carry out a food inspection. For some reason they didn't want me to be there. So, whose wedding is it?
RIGBY: Mine and Mordecai's, we're marrying each other.
DOUG: Oh. I didn't know the state was allowing that now.
RIGBY: They're not but forget it, we're doing it anyway.
DOUG: That's the spirit! When is it, I'd like to attend.
RIGBY: Tomorrow at noon. Hey, we're trying out for pope, do you want to give it a go?
DOUG: The pope doesn't get involved in a wedding, but a priest does.
RIGBY: Right, whatever. You want to be priest or not?
DOUG: Well... this is a rehearsal, right? Are you really that short on people that you need someone like me to fill the spot?
RIGBY: Either you do it or it goes to Muscle Man over there.
(Muscle Man waves)
DOUG: *shudder* Alright, I'll give it my best shot.
(Doug gets up at the altar)
DOUG: What are the rules, do I just go over the usual "we're gathered here today" and "I pronounce you husband and wife"?
BENSON: Yeah that's about it. We're allowing leeway because no one wants to read from the book. As long as you can nail those two passages and say something longer than a few sentences, you're in.
MUSCLE MAN: You all know I'm the best one for this job, my speech rocked!
DOUG: How is that comprehensive enough to know who's good for this role?
BENSON: Because I say so! Now get to it!
DOUG: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to witness Mordecai and Rigby join together in holy matrimony. This wedding may not be legally recognized, but these two are devoted enough to not let that stand in their way. I didn't spend much time getting to know them personally, yet it's clear they've always had good intentions at heart. They were comfortable enough to joke at each other's expense and try to one-up each other. Friendly competition you could say. Their bond was strong enough that they'd give their own lives to help, and then treat it as nothing more than an obligation. No debt to be repaid. But at some point they realized they needed something more. Sometimes you develop stronger relationships with the people you know most intimately, and who better than the pal who's always been there. Would it be awkward at first? Perhaps. But imagine the relief that nothing could put their relationship in jeopardy. They would open up, slowly at first, having nothing to hide. Past all the fights and deep discussion they would realize they're right for each other and need each other. And here they are now, so happy to tell the world that they are in love. Mordecai and Rigby, you two are about to start a new chapter in your lives. With many walks on the beach, shoulders to cry on, nights snuggling in front of the fireplace, and reconciling differences in where you want your relationship to go. It's about at this point in the speech that I'd ask you two to recite your vows, if there are any. Then we'd get to the "I do"s and put on the ring. Looking into eachother's eyes and seeing a bright future ahead with many happy memories. You two are a beautiful couple. It's with great honor that I pronounce you hus-- hmm. Life partners, if that's the term you prefer. Partners in marriage, and we wish you all the best. You may now kiss.
MORDECAI: *looks over at Benson* ...he wins, right?
BENSON: *tugs collar* Yeah. He wins.
RIGBY: Woo! My man Dougie! High-five!
MORDECAI: Doug that was amazing, how did you do that?
DOUG: It's nothing really. When you have to say something and you put your heart into it, the words just come to you.
BENSON: Okay, after that... really nice speech... we still have the other roles to fill. Skips, chairs. That I know you can do. Pops, you can cut the cakes and make sure everyone gets a piece, since you did a good job with the cotton candy during the zombie movie. Best man and ringbearer...
RIGBY: You're my best man, Mordecai!
BENSON: ...let's just forget about a best man, you two are capable of walking down the aisle on your own. Ringbearer... *sigh* Muscle Man, you want to do that?
MUSCLE MAN: Do I get to throw rice at people's faces?
BENSON: No, that's flower petals.
MUSCLE MAN: When I throw petals, you're gonna think it was rice!
BENSON: Can't wait. Are you competent enough to walk in a straight line without dropping a ring?
MUSCLE MAN: Well it sure can't be Fives, cause he don't have legs! OOOOOOHH!
BENSON: Muscle Man for ringbearer. I think that's everything.
DOUG: Hey, what's this here? *turns on stereo, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" starts playing* Is this the wedding music? Nice choice, who picked it?
RIGBY: *points to Mordecai* This guy right here!
BENSON: That's not wedding music! We're taking that back this instant!
MORDECAI: Everything's locked, remember? We're sticking with what we have? That's what you said last night.
BENSON: ...you win this round. Okay, we have a whole day left, but that doesn't mean we can rest easy. This whole park needs to be cleaned up. If there's any last-minute arrangements, you'll make them today, not tomorrow. And need I remind everyone, the tax man is coming at 1:00, so we need a good excuse for how we've been able to afford all this.
RIGBY: Easy, with donations for people who want to see the wedding.
DOUG: Nothing better than telling the truth.
BENSON: Everyone get to work. And if you don't have something to do, come to me, because there's been plenty of things you've all been slacking on that need attention! The inside of the house also needs to be clean because people may need to go in there for extra refreshments or the restroom. Or even the tax man, what if he goes inside and sees a total mess? Now get to it!
DOUG: Want me to rake the leaves?
MORDECAI: Sure. And we... don't we have gutters to clean or something... or no, actually, last-minute arrangement we have to do. I don't think Margaret knows about this wedding and she's going to ask. We'll be getting a coffee sometime today anyway, might as well clear the air so to speak.
RIGBY: What are you worried about?
MORDECAI: I just think it might take a while. And you don't really want to get to work now, do you?
DOUG: I think we better get to work. Your boss doesn't look too happy.
(Mordecai turns around, sees Benson there)
MORDECAI: Oh hi, can we get a coffee now?
BENSON: No. And you're right, the gutters do need cleaning.
RIGBY: No one's going to look up there, come on!
BENSON: Clean the gutters or you're fired! *leaves*
MORDECAI: The sooner we clean them, the sooner we can have a coffee. Let's go.
DOUG: An hour of work for a week of appreciation! See ya! *goes to rake leaves*
(Mordecai and Rigby clean the gutters, then go to the coffee shop)
RIGBY: You don't have to do this, she'll be fine hearing about it later.
MORDECAI: I want to do this. Margaret! Hey Margaret! I need to talk to you!
(she comes over, along with Eileen)
MARGARET: What would you like?
MORDECAI: A coffee and 15 minutes of your time.
MARGARET: Uh, why?
MORDECAI: Just that there's something big going on tomorrow that you should know about.
RIGBY: And you're totally invited. But not you *points to Eileen*.
MORDECAI: *punches Rigby* You both can come.
EILEEN: I think this is about that wedding.
MARGARET: Is that tomorrow? Huh. Yeah sure, we'll come. Whose wedding is it?
MORDECAI: That's what I came here to talk about...
RIGBY: Mordecai and I are in love and we're getting married.
MORDECAI: Dude! You can't just spit it out like that!
RIGBY: *dons Loser sign on head* Well I just did, hmph-hmph!
MARGARET: *disgusted* You two? ...er, whatever you say. This wouldn't happen to be a fake wedding to get out of work, would it?
RIGBY: No, it's more than that. It's to get out of work for the rest of our lives.
MORDECAI: No, we... there's real feelings between us. It took a while but we discovered there's definitely something there we want to pursue. Don't get me wrong Margaret, you're a lovely, attractive bird, and I wish I had the guts to tell you that earlier. But it's for the best that I hook up with Rigby. I'm sorry.
(Margaret's not sure what to say, Eileen's starting to tear up at the idea that Rigby's found someone else)
MARGARET: ...uh, why don't I get you that coffee now.
(they quickly return to the counter)
RIGBY: How about that, you're over Margaret already.
MORDECAI: I hope I didn't hurt her too much. Did you see the way she looked at me?
RIGBY: Why do you care, you're done with her.
MORDECAI: Dude I'm going to see her every day!
RIGBY: You need Margaret gone? You got it. I'll make it look like an accident!
MORDECAI: DUDE! *knocks Rigby off the chair and they start fighting*
(Margaret and Eileen rush over)
MARGARET: Hey! Stop! Stop it right now!
MORDECAI: You are such a JERK! What is WRONG with you?
RIGBY: Maybe I'm not the problem here!
MORDECAI: You are too the problem!
MARGARET: GET OUT! Get out of my coffee shop NOW!
MORDECAI: Now look what you did! Thanks for ruining it!
(tries to uplift table, fails, kicks over his chair and storms outside)
MARGARET: *holding back tears* You too Rigby, you need to leave. Tell your friend that you two aren't welcome here anymore. I just... need some time to think about this.
RIGBY: So I take it you two aren't coming to the wedding.
MARGARET: I'm not.
EILEEN: I... might, I haven't decided yet.
(Rigby goes to leave)
EILEEN: Wait! Aren't you going to tell me when it is?
MARGARET: Just let it go. I'm sure if it was really important, we could ask someone at the park.
(Rigby meets Mordecai outside)
MORDECAI: There you are, you little turd-eating weasel.
RIGBY: WHOA whoa whoa, where did THAT come from?
MORDECAI: I can't believe what you said in there! You wanted Margaret dead!
RIGBY: No, you wanted Margaret gone. Two different things.
MORDECAI: You said you'd make it look like an accident!
RIGBY: You're an accident!
MORDECAI: ...you take that back.
RIGBY: Take what back?
MORDECAI: That's like the line you don't cross.
RIGBY: I don't get it, what did I say?
MORDECAI: You saying I was an accident. That's not cool.
RIGBY: What's the deal, I say stuff like that all the time. It's like saying you're a plank.
MORDECAI: No, no, not this one. Do you know what it means?
RIGBY: I guess not.
MORDECAI: You told me you wished I had never been born.
RIGBY: ...that is kinda harsh.
MORDECAI: Wait there's more. You said that I was a child nobody wanted, that my parents regret having me.
RIGBY: Okay, alright, I'm sorry. Geez, I didn't mean to say that.
MORDECAI: And what about wanting Margaret dead?
RIGBY: Gone! Get it right! Clearly you don't want to be with her.
MORDECAI: I don't, but that doesn't mean I want to stop being friends with her.
RIGBY: By the way we're banned from the coffee shop.
RIGBY: Yeah. And what's worse, Eileen might come to the wedding. Eileen! Oh Benson shoot me now.
MORDECAI: Stop it, this is ridiculous! We have to fix this. I didn't agree to this marriage thing just to cause more problems.
RIGBY: I told you we shouldn't have come!
MORDECAI: We've been over this, if I do everything you say, you'll just make things worse! You complained that the wedding wasn't real. You complained about the ring. Benson almost fired us because we couldn't get along. Then we come here and things were going fine until you had to screw it up! Every fight we've had, every disaster we've been in, it's all been you you YOU!
RIGBY: Well you're not getting rid of me. We're getting married, you're going to love me, and you'll have to do 50% of what I say!
MORDECAI: Oh sweet so I only have to listen to half of your garbage. Rigby, this whole wedding fiasco has always been one step from exploding. It's time that you shut up and let me deal with everything. And I mean all of it. I'm not even sure if it's too late. Why don't you help Doug rake the leaves or something?
RIGBY: No, we're together from now on.
MORDECAI: Not until the wedding tomorrow.
(Mordecai goes back into the coffee shop, Rigby follows)
MARGARET: I thought I told you two that you're banned.
MORDECAI: Yeah but we have to get through this, or else we'll keep seeing you day after day. If we don't get our coffee, we're worthless at working.
RIGBY: More so than usual.
MARGARET: Why should I care? Why should I pay when you're the ones being incompetent?
MORDECAI: Let me just get to the point... I'm marrying Rigby, I wanted you to know that because I thought it might be hard for you to hear.
MARGARET: No. I'm with Angel, so whatever.
(Mordecai cringes at Margaret so effortlessly shrugging off all the times he tried to care about her)
MORDECAI: And the wedding's tomorrow at noon if either of you want to come. That's all I wanted to say. So we're cool now?
MARGARET: Let me tell you why I'm upset. You come in here and tell me that the wedding tomorrow is about you. I'm thinking, great, you two found someone. But to each other? That... it's disgusting, I don't like it. And maybe, maybe I kind of liked you at one time. It feels like a slap in the face that you go from me to... him. It's not even that you're settling for him, but voluntarily choosing him. I don't know. Angel's great, but it's all singing and flower this, sunshine that. Just pretty little nothings that anyone could say. Nothing about how he really feels about me or how I feel about him. Maybe I thought you could do that, but you were always too shy. And I certainly didn't want to push you into anything you didn't want to do. ...I went with Angel because you never made a move or showed enough interest. Wedding comes along, I think you've got a backbone, and even if I couldn't be with you I could appreciate that. I was so wrong. There was no advance notice, nothing to suggest that you and Rigby are remotely in love. I'm left to think that it's fake, it has to be. You're making a mockery of marriage. Then there's Eileen here, did you think about her? It's Rigby this, Rigby that, you have no idea how much she cares. Let's just spring a wedding out of nowhere and let it be a surprise that her dreams are now completely crushed, and, oh yeah, let's invite her to experience this heartbreak first-hand. I'm glad you came here, because I will take any opportunity to order this shut down immediately so it can be handled some other time in a much more respectable manner. You don't make snap judgments with marriage. Speaking of which, how will the park pay for this? Have you thought about that?
MORDECAI: *terrified* ...Margaret, what can I do, how can I make it up to you, I am SO sorry...
MARGARET: You call it off. I don't CARE how many people you disappoint. I don't care if you get fired for it. You have to call it off, this is not right.
MORDECAI: *unable to talk from crying* ...Rigby, help...
RIGBY: It can't be called off, this is a promotional thing for the park.
MARGARET: *getting more angry* A promotional... stunt?
RIGBY: Yeah, one of those. Paid for by donations from people. Which we've already spent, so it's like free. Except it's not, because if we call it off and they want their money back, we don't have it, so the park will go bankrupt.
MARGARET: Then you sell everything to get your money back, and if you come up short, you sell your possessions.
RIGBY: We're doing the stunt, with or without you.
MARGARET: Get out. Both of you, get out. I don't want to hear about this wedding or marriage ever again. If I do, I'm calling the cops and telling them what you told me.
RIGBY: We can still come in to get coffee, right?
MARGARET: You probably shouldn't, you don't know what I might slip in there.
RIGBY: Alright, we're gone. Stop your blubbering, Mordecai, it's time to go.
RIGBY: Well that was a waste of time.
MORDECAI: *still crying* I'm going to KILL you, Rigby!
RIGBY: It's not my fault, Margaret was going to flip out anyway.
MORDECAI: I'm calling the wedding off, I can still save this...
RIGBY: NO! Mordecai, it's too late for that! There's only one person who disagrees and that's Margaret. One against a hundred.
MORDECAI: Sorry, but I think coffee and Margaret matters more to me than a silly... what was it, promotional stunt? A stunt that means nothing?
RIGBY: What's changed? Just pretend it's real because it's the best we're gonna get.
MORDECAI: I was all for it until Margaret started talking.
RIGBY: Forget about her. Listen, Benson's gonna wonder what's taking us so long. You can ask someone back at the park for advice if you want. Let's go.
(Eileen steps out from the shop)
RIGBY: *notices Eileen* Aah! What are you doing here?
EILEEN: Can I talk to you alone?
RIGBY: Uh, I'd rather not...
MORDECAI: Rigby, you owe me one. Go ahead and talk. I'll be at the park if you need me.
EILEEN: Am I not good enough for you?
RIGBY: This is not the time... I don't know, you never struck me as someone to be with.
EILEEN: What is it about me? Am I shy? Ugly? Weird?
RIGBY: Yeah probably. Can I go now?
EILEEN: Which is it?
RIGBY: None of them... Mordecai says nice things to me and seems to care.
EILEEN: I can say nice things and care about you! I care about you a lot!
RIGBY: Sorry but I've made my choice. I need to go now.
EILEEN: *sniff* I'll never find anyone.
RIGBY: Oh don't go there, don't start. You'll come across a... mole beaver person one day. It's nothing against you, it's just you're not the kind of person I want to be with. And when you find the right one, they can be the most obnoxious jerk on the planet with a spoon in one ear, but there will be something charming deep inside that you're willing to grab onto and yank out. Then you shove it in their faces and say "this is why I want to be with you!" Then you get to talking to see if he's cool with that, he'd grab something out of you... and, yeah, something like that. That's just how I'd go about it, not saying that's how it should be done.
EILEEN: Well, you look nice and seem to be a fun-loving guy, someone who doesn't take life seriously. I'm jealous of that, I've always wanted to let go and do wacky stuff. That's just what I see in you.
RIGBY: Er, you already do wacky stuff. Like that sea turtle thing with the eggs.
EILEEN: Wacky stuff that I can do with someone, that is. Otherwise I'm just the awkward girl in my own little world.
RIGBY: Hmm. Spacemen with chairs is fun.
EILEEN: And how would you feel if you were the only one doing it? If everybody else pointed at you and said you're weird?
RIGBY: Spacemen is cool, they're the ones who are weird.
EILEEN: Really? You wouldn't mind? See, this is why I want to be with you! I don't have the courage you have, maybe you could teach me?
RIGBY: No thanks, I really ought to be going.
EILEEN: Oh come on! Okay, do me, what do you find charming about me?
RIGBY: ...Nothing. There's nothing there.
EILEEN: Something? Anything? Oh, do I need to put a spoon in my ear?
RIGBY: No, you don't need to do that.
EILEEN: Okay, my fingers then. *sticks finger in ear* Hey stripe tail, I'm a big obnoxious brute! I'm gonna push you in the mud! What's charming about me?
RIGBY: You're definitely weird.
EILEEN: You like me for being weird?
RIGBY: No, not at all. I see nothing in you, and that's why I can't play this game. I'm really late, see ya.
EILEEN: No wait! Rigby! Just hold on... I'm going to the wedding. I know what Margaret said, but I figure as long as you're happy with who you're marrying, then I'm happy too.
RIGBY: ...yeah, so?
EILEEN: How do you feel about the wedding? About Mordecai?
RIGBY: To be honest, he's been bossy lately. Won't let me do what I want.
EILEEN: Maybe he's just anxious about the big day.
RIGBY: I might be having second thoughts. I don't want to, I've never been more sure about anything in my life, yet I can't help but wonder. ...do you think we're moving too fast? I mean, Mordecai and I?
EILEEN: I don't know.
RIGBY: Nothing has changed, we're still fighting. He should like me and agree with me on everything. At times I don't even want to look at him.
EILEEN: Fights do happen. Can't expect to like everything he does or vice-versa.
RIGBY: I guess... we still do a lot of stuff together, so it's not like I'm always being ignored. Do you think he still wants to hook up with Margaret? He's so focused on keeping that alive and I don't know why. He keeps saying he's over her but I don't buy it.
EILEEN: Sounds like you two need to talk some more. But I doubt it, he wouldn't change his mind so close to the wedding. I hope not. You just have to go with what your heart tells you. And if it doesn't work out, I'm always here. If nobody likes me and nobody likes you, we can be together. Ah, maybe that's what you can see in me!
RIGBY: That's setting the bar low don't you think? I'm sure there's good qualities... in there... somewhere. Anyway, thanks for the offer, at least someone seems to understand me. I'm going now, bye.
(back at the park)
BENSON: Rigby, there you are! Get into the house, go to your room, STAY there, and don't cause any trouble! I want to have a nice LONG talk with you when I'm good and ready!
(Rigby looks over to Mordecai)
MORDECAI: Sorry dude, but I ratted you out. On the upside, Benson's going to deal with Margaret and make sure we're good going forward. We still have to do the wedding, but I don't have any worries about it now.
RIGBY: Before I go inside, can I ask you something?
MORDECAI: Sure, one thing.
RIGBY: Do we still love each other? Like really?
MORDECAI: You've tested my patience, but you're still the first guy I'd go with.
RIGBY: No, you have to do better than that.
MORDECAI: It's hard, okay? I've kind of forgotten the things I said to you when you turned into a control freak!
RIGBY: It's because I've never cared more about anything in my life and I want to make sure it's perfect!
MORDECAI: I don't want perfect! I want something we both can enjoy! Don't you appreciate anything I've done? If it weren't for me, none of this would have happened, and I did it because I thought you'd like it! Are you happy with what I've set up?
RIGBY: Better than nothing I suppose.
MORDECAI: Rigby, please, you know I did the best I could.
RIGBY: ...it is good, it's very good. I was so excited that I thought this is the big day, the one chance to get it right. I honestly don't think we'll have another one, it'd just feel like a formality. Yadda yadda Pope, we went through this already, just get to the "I do"s. This wedding would feel like the real one. I was not prepared for the many arguments I'd have with you. It reminded me of how we've been before, as if we're not going to change after getting married. Eileen was telling me that fights happen, I don't know whether to believe that. All I need is a sign of effort towards listening to me more. And another thing--
MORDECAI: Rigby, I do listen to you, it's just that your ideas don't work well for our situation, and most of the time they just aren't any good.
BENSON: Face it, the wedding would have been even more of a disaster with you at the helm.
RIGBY: Did you hear Mordecai wanted to call off the wedding to please Margaret?
MORDECAI: I was wrong, okay? I was thinking about the future. If nothing else worked, I'd use that as a last resort to prevent what I thought were going to be bigger problems.
BENSON: You see this? He's practical, he thinks ahead, and he admits when he screws up. Why can't you do the same?
RIGBY: You wouldn't want me to apologize for every mistake I make, would you?
BENSON: Of course not. One day with you idiots would fill up a book. Point is, it wouldn't kill you two to be more responsible, and right now Mordecai's doing a better job than you are. From now on, before you do anything, run it by Mordecai and listen to what he says. If I catch you doing something Mordecai doesn't like, YOU'RE FIRED!
RIGBY: So anyway, Mordecai, I had more to say.
MORDECAI: I don't want to hear it.
RIGBY: Oh come on!
MORDECAI: Nope, this conversation's closed.
RIGBY: You hadn't answered my question. Do you love me or not?
MORDECAI: I do, but not very much at the moment. Now be a good raccoon and toddle off to your room.
RIGBY: Stop patronizing me! I don't have to take this! ...I'll go, but I won't forget this.
MORDECAI: Yes you will.
RIGBY: Yeah you're right... okay, I'm going...
(Rigby runs into the house)
MORDECAI: I hope I wasn't too hard on him.
BENSON: Are you two still on good terms? You better be. The people tomorrow are expecting a good show. In an ideal world the emotions would be real and the wedding would be quite memorable, BUT I'm starting to doubt it! I'll have to wait a while before tearing into him, he might not be able to take it.
MORDECAI: Or you can just not do it. He probably feels betrayed. If you went in, he'd tune you out and think that I sent you there. In his mind he did nothing wrong, so he's confused when it causes problems that he's just not thinking about. I'm sure his idea of life after marriage is unrealistic and completely different from how things are now. And he might be tying this to whether we love each other. So if life's not a party after the wedding, then that must mean I never loved him.
BENSON: Yeah, I get that. Everything you just said, did you ever tell Rigby that?
MORDECAI: No. Not when he's ordering me around and--
BENSON: TELL RIGBY OR YOU'RE FIRED! You love him, right? If you ignore all the other crap?
MORDECAI: Yes I do.
BENSON: And it sounds like he loves you too. But he's being difficult and you're being rational. There should be nothing stopping you two from being together, and you're just the one to fix it. You're going to fix it now, or maybe I'm not going to mend things at the coffee shop.
MORDECAI: No I'll do it, I'll do it!
BENSON: You've got 15 minutes. No more dinking around, all this drama ends now.
(Mordecai enters the house and goes into his room where Rigby is, crying in a corner)
MORDECAI: Benson's not going to yell at you, I talked him out of it.
RIGBY: Did he send you to yell at me?
MORDECAI: No. Well, yes, but just to resolve whatever tension is between us, no yelling. I know that deep down you really like me and I feel the same way. The problem... I know you don't want to hear this, but the problem is your expectations. Life's not going to change dramatically, at least I don't think it will. We will still fight, we'll still have to work for Benson. Might be able to get some time off but no promises. But it really is for the better to get it out there that we now have a relationship. You think you did nothing wrong, but you don't have a clear idea of the big picture, of what the consequences would be if we went with your plans. I do, and that's why we work together. It's also why we fight together, to bring out both views so we can agree on which is the better course of action. Which will usually be mine. This doesn't mean I hate everything you say. I will make an effort to explain myself better in the future, but you also have to be willing to listen. Not everything can go your way. Likewise, if you say something that's actually good, I will consider it. It was thanks to your assertiveness that this wedding happened in the first place. This wedding happened because of you. And it got me to admit that, yes, it's something I really want to do too. So that was a good idea and you helped keep me honest. Since then I've been trying to do the same to you and you're taking it as an attack.
RIGBY: No, you've been controlling what the wedding is.
MORDECAI: Already went over that. I seem to recall you wanted to go with my vision of the wedding. How did it go? Getting at a more personal level? None of the fancy stuff because we couldn't afford it. But you got that chocolate cake you wanted, you were happy about that. And Doug! Got Doug as pastor, that's pretty sweet.
RIGBY: Yeah, that is pretty cool actually.
MORDECAI: So why don't you appreciate it now? You appreciated it, there is no reason why you should be acting this way. Let's see... then you found out it wasn't real... I said no to your choice of music... is that it? Was it not being real that crushed you and made you try to compensate? Maybe you thought if it was more like a traditional wedding that it'd somehow become real.
RIGBY: That can't be it. I don't know what it is.
MORDECAI: I've got it, you're emotional. You've been inconsistent. Whenever things aren't going your way, suddenly everything sucks including all the stuff in the past. And it all exploded when we talked to Margaret.
RIGBY: Yeah I wanted to bring that up, you're not over her. And I don't know why.
MORDECAI: You don't just forget people who you were in love with just a few days ago! It will take a while to adjust to what we forced ourselves into... and I already told you that we're going to see her every day, so I still need to be on her good side. You're not jealous of her are you?
RIGBY: No, but you should be focusing on me.
MORDECAI: And I will, just give me time. You know what'd be a good first step for us? We've had disagreements in how to set things up, but we were screaming. Maybe we're used to doing that. But it doesn't help us come to decisions any faster. And we tune out screaming, right, because of Benson? That could be why you don't feel you have a say in things. Like I was beating you into submission. Whereas if we were arguing calmly, then it'd seem like we're taking each other's points seriously, which we are, because there's nothing along the lines of "That's the stupidest idea I ever heard!". We can agree that we both need to improve in that area. Especially... when I snapped at you and started punching you because I thought you wanted Margaret dead. It just pissed me off that you could say something so insensitive. You didn't mean it, but... you weren't saying anything, you were yelling back. But hey, I caught myself that second time.
RIGBY: I just thought you were too angry, like you couldn't scream any louder without breaking a... throat muscle or something.
MORDECAI: If that was possible, Benson would have broken it long ago.
RIGBY: I thought I was handling it calmly. I was mad, sure, but I don't remember screaming when you were flipping out.
MORDECAI: Hmm. Well, yelling impairs our judgment. Let's both try to handle those situations better from now on. I'm sorry that I yelled at you, okay?
RIGBY: Okay. I'm sorry too, I don't want to argue with you anymore... just want things to be better...
MORDECAI: Me too. See, we both want the same thing. So, there's no more problems between us, we're ready for this wedding?
RIGBY: I guess.
(Mordecai gives Rigby a hug)
MORDECAI: How about now?
RIGBY: *grins* Maybe a little bit.
MORDECAI: That's great. Oh by the way, what did you and Eileen talk about?
RIGBY: Eh, just some crap about how she wants to be with me. I let her off easy. And you're right, she's not that bad, once I look past all the weirdness. Told me that I can't expect to get everything my way, stuff like that.
MORDECAI: If you don't mind, could you try talking to her more? We're likely to see her too, and if you two could be pals, that'd make things easier.
RIGBY: No promises.
MORDECAI: Just a thought. Okay, I'm going back out to tell Benson that we're cool now. He kind of wanted us to be together once and for all. You know how he is.
RIGBY: He was going to fire us if it didn't happen, right?
MORDECAI: You know it.
RIGBY: That should be a game. How many times has he threatened us with that now?
MORDECAI: What, over the wedding, or the whole time we've been at the park?
RIGBY: The wedding. Hasn't it been like six?
MORDECAI: Seems more like ten.
RIGBY: If you don't clean up this room, you're fired!
MORDECAI: Not standing up straight? You're fired!
RIGBY: Didn't score 5,000 points? You're fired!
MORDECAI: Ha, foot's off a little to the left? You're fired!
RIGBY: Hahaha! Ahh, we can always count on him for a laugh.
MORDECAI: Come on, we'll both go out. Imagine the look on his face when we're both smiling.
RIGBY: Doesn't that usually make him more angry?
MORDECAI: *grin* Yeah!
RIGBY: Whoever gets him to yell first doesn't get to rake the leaves!
MORDECAI: Doug already did that, I thought.
RIGBY: Well... whoever gets him to yell first gets to be Player One.
MORDECAI: You're on!
(they both walk out of the house)
BENSON: There you are! That was a little faster than I expected. Please tell me you two are together again.
MORDECAI: We are.
BENSON: What are you smiling about?
RIGBY: We know something you don't know.
BENSON: Tell me what it is right now or you're fired!
RIGBY: Ha! Player One! In your face!
MORDECAI: Dude that was too easy! *high-five*
BENSON: Well, what is it!?
RIGBY: Uh... um... this! *kisses Mordecai* Love this guy!
(Benson's mouth is agape)
MORDECAI: *standing still, blushing* ...Rigby... where did you just kiss me?
(Rigby looks up, then looks back down)
RIGBY: ...oops. You still liked it though, right?
BENSON: ...I'm going now. To the... place with the thing. The... coffee place. With... uh... that bird who works there. You can do that on your own time, but don't do it in public ever again. Got it? Good. ...*runs off*
RIGBY: I totally didn't mean to do that.
RIGBY: Got Benson to flee though. That's, what, Player One for the next month?
RIGBY: You okay?
MORDECAI: Don't touch me there until after the wedding, deal?
RIGBY: Deal. Hey, blush any more and you'll look just like Margaret.
MORDECAI: Just... go help Doug or something. ...I don't want anyone to see me like this.
RIGBY: Just say I whispered something in your ear. Something dir-tay!
RIGBY: This is just what we want. You said no one would want to come near us if we're gaying it up.
MORDECAI: We don't want to overdo it. Else they'll treat us like we're radioactive.
RIGBY: Oh that is so awesome! We should totally do that.
MORDECAI: We're supposed to love each other, not slut each other.
RIGBY: No it'll be fun. Now what's a gay dance we can do?
MORDECAI: The Macarena? OOOOOHH!!
RIGBY: OOOOOHH!! No, I mean, a dance that's sexy and hip and jivin'.
MORDECAI: I don't know that many dances. Tango? Foxtrot? Lambada?
RIGBY: What are they?
MORDECAI: I don't know.
RIGBY: Do you know how to do them?
RIGBY: We'll just make one up then. So we... hold hands I think, every dance has that... and... *looks at where eye level would be* okay yeah, this might be a problem. Can you kneel down at least?
MORDECAI: Forget it, we just weren't meant to dance. ...unless... we'll just do hip-hop!
RIGBY: What? To the music you picked out?
MORDECAI: Or, you know, that wave thing. I touch your arm and the wave goes through you. Or we can just be doing our own thing while close together.
RIGBY: Just kneel. Nothing saying you can't spin me around or turn while you're on your knees. Come on, let's practice.
(meanwhile at the coffee shop)
BENSON: Hey you! What's your name?
MARGARET: You know who I am. Margaret?
BENSON: Yeah, Margaret. You need to stop this feud you have against Mordecai and Rigby. That's an order or you're fired!
MARGARET: So they got to you too? Figures. They don't care, they don't care about anything!
BENSON: I don't like this sudden turn of events any more than you do. But if you cooperate, I'll make sure they don't milk it to get out of work. They're going to change under my watch. Into more responsible workers. They won't get the privilege of really being a couple until they have a real wedding.
MARGARET: Can we just stop forcing one thing for another? I'm all for punishing them for using a wedding in such an ungrateful manner. Yet if I want to stay mad at them, then I have a right to do that. I don't want to pound them into dust, I just want them to learn.
BENSON: Mordecai told me he's scared that he'll never be able to go to this shop again, that a friendship with you is beyond repair. That's why he sent me here, because if I can't change your mind, then he will call it off and take full responsibility for the chaos that would result. He's choosing not to think about that and he patched things up with Rigby because thinking about the alternative would be too depressing. It's a choice he doesn't want to take.
MARGARET: He really said that he'd call it off?
BENSON: Yeah. So why are you telling me you just want them to learn? You really want them to throw everything away? You know that doesn't sit right with me. I'm put in a tough position and I know this wedding has to happen.
MARGARET: I wanted to make absolutely sure they learned their lesson.
BENSON: So when are you going to drop it?
MARGARET: Maybe in a couple of days, if I see that they're really serious. Don't tell them what they have to do. If they're really together, I'll know it.
BENSON: Trust me, they're together.
MARGARET: How do you know that?
BENSON: I just do.
MARGARET: I'll have to see it for myself.
BENSON: Right, well... maybe you should close up for the next couple of days. Even though we're serving refreshments, some people might want to grab a celebration drink here after the wedding.
(back at the park)
BENSON: What are you two clowns doing now? I thought you were supposed to be working!
MORDECAI: We're practicing dancing.
BENSON: Just do a slow dance.
MORDECAI: But Rigby only comes up to-- you know.
BENSON: Get in slow dance position or you're fired! Rigby, you be the male partner! Hands around Mordecai's waist! Reach for it! And you! Hands down onto Rigby's shoulders! ...I changed my mind, on Rigby's arms! Doug, get over here!
DOUG: Yes sir?
BENSON: Can you sing?
DOUG: Oh, nobody's asked me that before! Well, there's a first time for everything, right?
BENSON: Can you just go la-la-la?
(Doug sounds out a scale)
BENSON: Okay good. Just make up something with la-la-la, something with 4/4 rhythm, and it has to be slow.
DOUG: Can do!
BENSON: Now just move to the music!
(they start dancing to Doug's singing, awkwardly at first. With pointers from Benson they start to get the hang of it)
BENSON: Okay that's enough! Doug? DOUG! That's enough! So do you get the idea?
MORDECAI: Yes we're good now.
BENSON: That's the dance you're going to do tomorrow. While looking in each other's eyes and moving with grace like you were near the end. Now back to work! Unbelievable, having to tell a couple how to dance!
(Benson stomps off, muttering to himself)
DOUG: Seems like you were really getting into it. Is there anything else you're a bit uneasy on? You know which finger and hand the ring goes on?
MORDECAI: Yeah, the ring finger, fourth one on his right hand.
DOUG: ...the ring goes on his left hand.
DOUG: Did you write any vows?
MORDECAI: Uh, we're skipping that.
RIGBY: Don't need an index card to tell me what he thinks of me.
DOUG: So, recited from memory or you're just not going to do that part?
MORDECAI: Not doing it. Plenty of time for words on our honeymoon... oh geez, the honeymoon! I completely forgot!
RIGBY: Don't worry! We can dump that too!
MORDECAI: Oh, phew! Right, because it's our wedding.
DOUG: ...yes, well, you only have so much money, right?
MORDECAI: Mm, how about the beach? Does that sound good? I know it's far away but we'll just have... Doug! Doug, you drive us there!
DOUG: Um, okay, sure! I just have to find out where it is. By the way, what kind of salary can I expect for doing this pastor thing tomorrow?
MORDECAI: I thought you were doing it for free.
DOUG: Uh, if there's no money in it, there's not really an incentive to be GOOD at it.
MORDECAI: You did great during the rehearsal. Just do that.
RIGBY: You're our friend, Doug!
DOUG: I'm doing this because you needed someone on short notice, and that I'm temporarily away from my job. This is not something I'd choose to do on my own.
MORDECAI: Isn't there like a Sonny Bono thing you're supposed to do, so much every year?
DOUG: Pro bono?
DOUG: That's for lawyers. Look, you're nice guys, but we're not close enough that I'd do you any favors.
RIGBY: You sang.
DOUG: Nobody's gonna pay me for singing. But playing an important role in a wedding, that's a bit more significant.
MORDECAI: *grin* Well all decisions are final, no more spending. You're doing it for free. If you have a problem with that, you talk to Benson.
DOUG: I'm afraid I'll have to. I proved that I was the one you wanted during rehearsal, so I'm allowed to talk payment before doing it for real. Seems to me you have a backup... the guy with the green face... in case I turn it down. You wouldn't want me to refuse the job, would you?
MORDECAI: No! Absolutely not!
DOUG: I'm being hard because Benson seems to be an on-the-ball guy and I'd expect he would have brought it up by now. So I asked you, thinking maybe you just forgot. But if there's no intention of paying, then I'm having my doubts.
MORDECAI: Rigby, how much money's left?
RIGBY: Nothing, we spent it all!
DOUG: That's not encouraging. I'm going to talk to Benson. And that drive to the beach... yeah, that's not happening.
RIGBY: This is not good, this is not good! He's the best thing this wedding has going for it! PLEASE Mordecai, fix it!
MORDECAI: I will, I've got this.
(Doug and Mordecai walk over to Benson)
BENSON: What is it now? If it's not something that interferes with work, I don't want to hear about it!
MORDECAI: It interferes with my work...
BENSON: What DOESN'T interfere with your work?
DOUG: Hi Mordecai. Benson, listen up. What can I expect to be paid for being the pastor tomorrow?
BENSON: Nothing. We assigned roles by competency, using local talent -- pff, I use that term VERY loosely -- because we don't have enough funds leftover to pay for anyone professional.
DOUG: Then I quit.
BENSON: ...okay, in that case we're going with--
MORDECAI: Wait, Benson don't finish that sentence!
MORDECAI: Doug, I can sell you my... *sigh* my videogame machine. Sells for maybe $100.
DOUG: Uh, no thanks, I don't want you making any personal sacrifices.
BENSON: I say do it. Maybe then you won't be distracted as much.
MORDECAI: And the foosball table.
BENSON: THAT'S FOR ALL EMPLOYEES!
MORDECAI: What will it take to keep you around, Doug?
DOUG: You're serious, you'd be willing to do that? ...I don't know what to say.
BENSON: The foosball table is off limits! $100, take it or leave it!
DOUG: Sounds good to me... okay, Mordecai, sell that machine and get me my $100, then I'll do it.
BENSON: Doug, you get your money after you do the service.
DOUG: Well I still want to see it, just to make sure you won't pull a fast one.
BENSON: Mordecai, go get the machine and hand it over to me. I'll sell it and make sure Doug gets what he wants. Then you get back to work! You too, Doug!
(Mordecai fetches the videogame system and gives the system to Benson, then returns)
MORDECAI: Okay, if our videogame system sells for over $100, Doug's in.
RIGBY: Thanks. But you know, this isn't the first time you tried selling that, kind of loses its effect. We'll need to do some serious summertime lovin' to make up for the time we would have been gaming.
MORDECAI: That shouldn't be a problem, right?
RIGBY: I don't know, do you think you can handle it?
MORDECAI: I can totally handle it!
(stuff happens, Doug agrees to be pastor, and soon it's the next day. Wedding goes on just fine)
DOUG: ...by the power vested in me and the park, you two are now life partners in marriage. You may now kiss each other.
(Mordecai and Rigby kiss, to much applause. The visitors go in the house for refreshments. Benson walks up to the altar)
BENSON: That went better than I thought it would. And it ended fast which I really liked, but the tax man will be here in a few minutes. That's not enough time to rip this stuff down, and I kinda wish he saw the wedding in progress to lend credibility that it happened.
RIGBY: Got the ring here, is that credible enough?
BENSON: You better hide that, it's the one part of the wedding that looks expensive.
BENSON: Rigby, the tax man will see it and ask how you got that ring. I know that "pawned off for free by some unsatisfied buyer" is not a valid explanation.
(tax man appears)
TAX MAN: Hello! Having a wedding, are we?
BENSON: Uh, yeah! Just finished, actually. Here's the couple, right here!
(Mordecai and Rigby wave)
TAX MAN: ...right, just a formality?
BENSON: Yeah, just until they save up and move elsewhere. So it was a cheap affair.
TAX MAN: How long have you been planning this?
BENSON: Came up out of the blue and we got a little ahead of ourselves. But like I said, just a formality.
TAX MAN: What about the ring?
BENSON: *whispers* Fake.
MORDECAI: Hey, this ring's real!
BENSON: Yes, yes, of course it is! *looks back and slowly shakes his head*
TAX MAN: Make sure to report all this on your tax forms, which I have right here... and I granted you a short extension so you have time to fill it out. I'll be looking forward to getting them back.
BENSON: Yes, definitely!
(tax man leaves)
RIGBY: That was fast. Shouldn't he have turned into a dragon or something?
MORDECAI: Why would he turn into a dragon?
RIGBY: I don't know. He seemed... too nice... *shifty eyes*
BENSON: Okay, so... out of the goodness of my OVERWORKED FURIOUS heart, I'm giving you the rest of the day off. Get out of here. And you better make the most of it, because you'll be working just as hard as ever tomorrow!
MORDECAI: Right, got it.
(Mordecai and Rigby go inside and sit on the couch)
RIGBY: Sure would be less boring if there was a videogame system there.
MORDECAI: Well, we don't need videogames to have fun. *walks fingers across Rigby's shoulder*
RIGBY: Not feeling it right now.
MORDECAI: Oh. *removes hand* Okay.
(after a while, Rigby changes his mind and pushes Mordecai flat on the couch, then lays on top and they start to make out)
RIGBY: I'm liking this, are you liking this?
RIGBY: I want to do this every day...
MORDECAI: We will... I can't wait...
(eventually the door bursts open, they scramble to look over top of the couch)
MUSCLE MAN: WOOO! BUSTED! Got it all on tape through the window! You know who ELSE is going to see this video?
MORDECAI: ...Margaret? Hey, that's a great idea! That'll show her that we're together! Yeah, do it.
MUSCLE MAN: Stop being weird.
RIGBY: Hey, what tape did you use?
MUSCLE MAN: *looks at it* Aw, I just erased the one where Mordecai did a solid.