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I think I am much different than most people. I have not always understood intimate relationships. I generally had platonic (non physical) relationships with girls. Most of my friends were girls. Sometimes would even be dating, but the relationship was not physical because it was not something I desired. Only a few out of the relationships actually got physical...and it almost seemed weird to me at the time and it never went further than a little kissing. I could actually enjoy it, but I did not really feel an attraction to the person. It was someone to have some fun with and explore my sexuality with that I cared about. It was not until many years later before I started to admit what was going on to myself. I had been dating girls because I was taught that was was normal and right. People would ask me, do you have a girlfriend? Why not? I was starting to learn that I looked at guys like most guys look at girls. After a while I realized this is a feeling I have suppressed all of my life. I am still wondering if this is what I should continue to do. I have struggled with this for a long time. I remember confiding in someone's mother that I was attracted to guys outside by the portables at my elementary school. I knew she would understand because her son was the same way. I remember telling her not to tell my parents and she wanted to talk to them so bad. I would not let her.. I wish I would have. I have been afraid all of my life. Ironically I ran across her son many years later and he confirmed the memories but he had a girlfriend (or so he said in front of a group of people when asked). I remember being attracted to guys when I was baptized and wondering if it would go away when I was baptized. It did not. I ignored the feeling for many years. I struggle and wonder about how God feels about it, what God expects us to do. I pray constantly for answers. My parents and society are dealing with this too. I often hear people close to me say things like faggot, queer, etc. Homosexuality is poorly understood and rarely accepted. Unfortunately it is usually easier for me to hide it from them. I have tried to tell them...I tell who I can, but some people just don't handle it too well. But the my homosexual desire is undeniable. I am not going to pretend it is not there. I am facing it head on. So call me gay, queer, faggot, or what you will. I am not going to deny it, however I am not going to act on it without careful thought and prayer. I know of people that have tried for many years to change how they felt, but it did not work for them. They tried all kinds of therapy including electroshock "therapy" (by the way I don't recommend) I hope to soon have some links to some interesting sites of people that say they have been "freed from homosexuality". And some supposed causes of homosexuality. I think you would be challenged to find a true common denominator. I read many articles on the subject trying to make some sense out of it. One web site claims that boys in a certain tribe are expected to have homosexual experiences and makes some references, but eventually heterosexuality prevails. The point that they were trying to make is just because you have a homosexual experience, it does not mean you are homosexual. I found some article that claimed that all guys are attracted to guys just before they are attracted to girls. I thought, well then maybe I can just wait this out, maybe I am just a late bloomer, then I realized after several years of being single that I was running out of patience and deciding it might not ever happen. I have had some interesting experiences in my life. I at one time just shortly after high school, I thought I had fallen in love with a guy. I was allowing myself to unconditionally love someone that did not even believe in God. He and I spent a few nights together. I really enjoyed being with him. I was just another guy to him though. I don't think he wanted an exclusive relationship. We went a little too far to not want that. That hurt. I was so scared. I started questioning my religion at the same time to. I felt that I had betrayed God. I was so sick the next morning I got sick, literally. I was just scared. I prayed for him to find God. I feel as if I was separated from him by God through different life events. I also feel like I am not supposed to contact him, or the time has not come yet. His number was disconnected when I could not drive and had moved when I went to find him. I tried to look him up, but I had screwed up signing up for a lookup service and never got a password to use the account. Since then, It seems as if I have gotten answers to say it is ok to be with a guy, but then I doubt the answers just as others have doubted signs they asked for and received. I know that God should be the center of any relationship. What is very difficult, is that my parents do not feel that it is the least bit ok. I want to honor my parents, but I don't want them to live my life for me. What I don't doubt is that I am forgiven. I was doubtful at one point. It is the worst feeling to think that you are not worth anything to God and that you are better off dead. I pray constantly and I have not figured it out yet. I am still single...and still want a monogamous relationship and still leave my mind open. The Lord Jesus will lead me I know. God has a plan for me... I just don't know what it is yet. I sometimes feel like I should have a relationship with a woman, and I think I could make it happen. However, I am I am not sure how happy I would be and I am even more concerned for the woman's happiness. The one thing I don't want to do is pretend to be in love with someone I am not in love with. I believe I can fall in love with someone I am not attracted to physically. I don't believe that I can truly be attracted to a woman just by her looks, but who knows maybe it will happen some day. This does not mean I can't appreciate the beauty of a woman. Sometimes a person's soul becomes is so beautiful that it shines right through. That kind of attraction is a different attraction, but I think it is real. With that kind of attraction, you learn to love no matter what the person looks like. In the event that I am attracted to a woman in that way or an attraction of some kind develops and I decide that the relationship would work and I truly believe that I would not go off and leave her for someone I could not resist, then I might end up with a wife. I watched a movie called Far From Heaven. It was a movie based in the 50's and it had some real interesting insight into racism and homosexuality and the way things were in the 50's. So much has changed. The main character had the perfect life, so it seemed. He had a wife, children, was a big shot at a respectable job, and threw big parties for work. But deep down the man was unhappy. He was spending lots of time at work, and his wife was never suspicious. One day, she came to his work to surprise him some food and walked in on him making out with a guy. It was then that he and his wife talked about these feelings he has had for many years. They decided that he should see a psychiatrist to deal with these feelings. I am not going to do what the character in Far From Heaven did or putting anyone through that. Although, I can relate to his struggles. I think that he should have been honest with his wife from the beginning. I think it is the worst thing to do to wait until you act or get caught before you tell whoever you are committed to that you are unhappy with the relationship. I feel it is wrong to start a relationship while another is going. (the commandments, "Do not commit adultery,") I could not do that to someone and I would not want to do that to someone. I am afraid of hurting someone. I know of many people that have tried to live a straight life and gave up. But, I tell you this, I think it is possible to succeed. There have been testimonials of ex-gays. From what I see, the attraction never really goes away. It is not the attraction you can control, it is the action, and you can only do that with God's help. With the help of God you can do anything you want to do (provided it is within his will). Is that what God truly wants for me? I don't have any answers yet. I want to be with someone honest and someone that believes in an equal and reciprocal relationship. I feel that it is right and intend to be honest with whoever I am with. My "Deepest Secret" will be known. Currently I am single (BUT LOOKING, Praying, Waiting for the right moment). Well anyways, that's my deepest secret. Maybe there will be more to come. I hope to start a blog here. Links to some websites I have found interesting. They at the very least are thought provoking.
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