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2-19-03... Wow It has been a month and a half....and I am still unemployed...and still single.  Now, I don't know even where I want to live.  I have been considering moving about an hour and a half away to a friends house.  This would offer freedom, responsibility, and would come with many challenges. I would be closer to part of my family, but further from the rest.  Closer to one friend, but further from many.  And I have been warned that I might be bored there... BUT... I don't really do much here... and I have this opportunity to try life on my own a bit.  Once again I look to the Lord for strength and guidance.  I welcome your prayers.

2-25-03 - Well the weather outside is frightening...and there isn't any lightning.  It is cold and ICY.  Schools are closed, businesses are closed, and I am stuck home with my family with little or nothing to do.  I am tempted to drive in the mess without full coverage.  I've got cabin fever! 

2-26-03 Update.  Well I got out in the ice.  Thank God I did it without incident.  My brother and I got out and had a good time hanging out with friends.  It was good to spend some time with my brother.  I actually kind of enjoyed the ice.  It seemed to have a positive effect on the moods of the people that got out in it.

2-28-03 - I am also going to start looking real hard for a job again.  I am doing a little studying on Java; it is a review but a slow go. I had a strawberry banana smoothie today.  It was good, just expensive. I sure look forward to having enough money for things like that.   A buddy of mine took me out to eat some lunch.  I went to church this evening and I learned quite a bit.

3-1-03 - I had a good friend I met in high school drop by.  It is a friend of mine that I have been considering moving in with.  We hung out with friends today.  I drove around a small portion of White Rock Lake.

3-2-03 It is 4:00 AM.  I just woke up and decided to try to get my page to upload again.  I had some difficulties the other night.  I finally got it to update.  Hopefully I can get an hour or two more of sleep before I go to church.  Oops.. I overslept.  I finally got up around 10:30...with services starting around 10:45...there was no way I was going to make it.  My friend stopped by and picked me up to go bike riding.  We rode around a portion of White Rock lake near the spillway.  It got cold on us.

3-3-03 Once again I woke up at 4 AM.  I went back to sleep just after I opened my window to let it cool off a bit.  I had interesting dreams last night. ***  I did not sleep well.  I finally went and got my diploma.  I was so happy to get it in my hands.  My friend came over today and I was just not much of a friend I guess.. I am off in my own little world.  Fortunately my brother was looking for something to do.  I hope that I can get my self to the doctor and back on Lexapro soon.  That stuff really helps me out.  Without it I am lazy and don't feel good.  My site  finally seems to be working right again.  

* 3-3-03 10:50 PM I am trying to stop focusing on all the stuff that is getting in the way.  I am trying to turn my eyes upon Jesus.  I know that there are many things distracting me from living the life God wants me to live.  I pray that I can lay those things down and lead the life I am supposed to live.  God help me!  

3-4-03 12:17 AM... As I am drifting away I am getting to the state of mind where I  was able to remember some the dreams I had the other night.  I remember fairly vividly now a wooden spear and a white shirt (one I think I own a NHS shirt) and something red that I assumed was blood in the dream.  I can't remember exactly all the details...but that just the image that popped up.  I remember waking up hot and sweaty at 4 AM on 3-3-03.  8 AM 3-4-03.  I woke up after having a full nights rest.  I had more peaceful dreams.  I dreamed that I learned things about a preacher that surprised me.   I guess it is the focus I had on Jesus last night. 9:14 PM.  I found an interesting site and added it to the links page.

3-6-03 I went to the doctor today and I got some more Lexapro. Hopefully with its help, I can get of this slump and get working again.  I was very fortunate that they had some samples.  When I went to pay for the visit, I found out that I have gone over my limit.  Fortunately, though, I had enough in savings to get out of there without feeling like a total loser.  Fortunately I am covered for two months on antidepressants and if I need more I can call and get more without an appointment.  Thanks Dr. B.  You are a life saver! I I talked to my doctor today about the desires I have to be with another guy.  I also told him I have been doing some soul searching.  I was reading WWJD by Charles Sheldon while I was waiting. We had a discussion about what the bible says....and he believes that the bible is black and white.  He believes without a doubt it is sin to be with the same sex.  He believes that if anyone says anything different they are repeating a lie.  The scripture that is the most important to him is in Romans...where it talks about God turning people over to their lusts for each other.  He was trying to be encouraging and telling me not to despair.  I also asked him if there was anything biological that can make me feel that way.  He basically said there could possibly be some kind of genetic predisposition to have those feelings, but it was not something he thinks is hormonal or something that can be altered.  He believes that the tendency develops with certain environmental factors as one develops such as a lack of male influence. When I asked him how you can change those feelings, he said that he does not believe man can change it.  He said it is something that only God can cure as he has seen him cure cancer and many other ailments.  He also said he had some friends that ran an organization to help change a person's desires.  I have not asked for details.

3-7-03  1:00 AM I should be sleeping, but I am not.  I took another nap this afternoon.  After I take another nap I am going to try to get new plates for my car. After that it is on the hunt for survival.  Got my new tags around 10 AM!  I got online today to see what White Rock Community church's view on Romans and this is the link I have found.  Chapter 3 of Homosexuality and the Scriptures
Arlene Robbins

3:00 PM Man it has turned out to be the most gorgeous day :).

3-8-03 3:39 PM.  A good friend of mine called me today.  She said she heard that I called Friday, so she was returning the call. She told me about her weekend.  She got me some gas so I could take her to the mall and also to take her to a friends house.  I was really glad to be able to help out with a ride and to get to spend some time with her, and she helped me out by buying me lunch.  She is such a good friend.

3-9-03 10:00 PM.  I am finally able to stop dwelling on the fact that I am in a tough financial situation.  I finally came up to the altar to pray about the situation after many weeks of not going to the altar and wanting to.  I spoke with the pastor of my church a bit.  He helped motivate me some and prayed with me also.  I did something totally out of character today, I gave a stranger a ride down the street that asked.  Generally I am to afraid to do that, but something told me it would be ok.  I mowed my lawn today and I spoke with my mom about taking her place at work next week while she is in therapy.  Whew.. I think I am going to be able to keep the creditors at bay!

3-10-03 3:00 PM Well I am home.  I worked for my mom today.  I delivered some food to an elderly lady,  got the cats out, got her to eat some, swept the floor.  It was easy and it gave my mom a day off she has been wanting.  I am going to work on my job search database.  I called my credit card company and we worked out a deal.  Thank God... I think I may make it out of debt after all!

3-13-03 1:45 AM.  I woke up after going to sleep around 9 PM or so.  I got up and did a little job searching online.  I helped my friend with his resume yesterday, and I worked a couple of hours.  Later today, I am headed for more temp agencies. I talked to a new friend on the phone for the first time.  I hope that we can get to know each other, he seems real nice.

3-14-03 7:00 AM..  I just woke up for no apparent reason.  Dreams were fresh on my mind.  I remember dreaming about trying to decide to marry a close friend of mine...I remember saying I would if she wanted  to...and then she decided not to and was sad.   The setting was strange. It was like we had decided to, and we were at a mass wedding or  some other gathering at a church.. I remember a preacher (or some speaker) saying what a special day it was just to pass through the door way of that church (or building).  I remember there was something special or sacred about the place and by being there there was a blessing.  But there was no kiss, and therefore no marriage. (It is extremely rare for me to remember my dreams...but this one stuck out).  I also remember that the decision had not been made yet.  I was just a dream...but it has a whole lot to do with what has been on my mind.

3-15-03 9:12 AM  Well.. Even after that dream, I can't seem to get one particular guy off my mind.  Well two, but one is straight.  I have found a data entry position I think I might be able to get.  I am going to go interview for it on Monday.  Maybe I can get to work and make my dreams come true.

3-16-03 7:53 PM  I went to church this morning.  Thankfully I made it on time.  I enjoyed the service.  I was excited to tell the people that had prayed for me and with me all of the prayers being answered in my life.  For one.. I needed help financially.  I have been looking for a job, and I had bills that had stacked up.  I was unable to pay my credit card bill, and I called them and worked out a deal.  I think I may get a job tomorrow.   My cousin needed diagnostic imaging done for a life threatening condition and we prayed for her to get in sooner...and the prayer was answered.  I have been praying for my mom to be in less pain because of her back injury.  She is  in physical therapy and she is already improving.  So many answered prayers in my life.  It is a wonderful thing.  After church, I got to spend a little time with my mom.  I also got to hang out with a friend of mine this afternoon.   It is a day I am definitely feeling that I am blessed and praising God.

3-17-03 Today was a bit frustrating.  I did not get up in time, did not leave in time, and just flat did not have my stuff together today.  Also, the barber shop was closed today. I did not expect that, and I just blew it off.  Oh well, at least I made it to the bank. 

3-18-03 Last night I dreamed about war.  I guess it is on my mind, like every most one else's.  I saw things in my dream that were so far beyond my power in the dream that it was almost magical.  I remember being peaceful in my dream and holding on to my faith.  I remember big bright blue lights and and entire building flying through the sky.  As I think about it (while I am writing this) I wonder if it had anything to do with a tornado.  Maybe the blue bright light was a flash of light from the electricity and the building was being sucked up by the tornado.  I remember being in my car of all places and feeling secure though.  What a strange dream.

3-20-03 I had a productive day today.  I woke up early and got my brother up, then I took him to work about an hour later.  After I took my brother to work, I took care of an elderly woman.  I just mopped the floor some, changed her sheets, fed her some, and gave her some milk.  It was simple, but it needed to be done.  I noticed a house across the street that is for lease and that needed to be mowed, so I called the number on the sign and told them I was willing to mow it for cheap.  They took the deal, and I mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedges.  So all together I had a very productive day.   The US and Britain forces started their invasion of Iraq yesterday and it is continuing today.  Operation Iraqi Freedom is underway.  God bless our troops and our commanders. I will be praying for their strength and wisdom in bringing peace back to our nations.  I hope that the "Shock and Awe" campaign does not have to be re-initiated.  I hope that the people in Iraq can at last have freedom.  It has been about two weeks since I started back on Lexapro and I am feeling considerably better.

3-24-03 8:45 AM.  I just got back from taking my brother to work.  I spent some time with one of my friends the other night.  I went and got some merlot and we had a couple of glasses.  I went to church Sunday, and the sermon was about gluttony.  Gluttony, over indulgence, is one of the seven deadliest sins.  I hope I get my hair cut either today or tomorrow.  I need to order my cap and gown so I can get my picture made with the class and get my picture posted on the college website.  This war is not helping my depression too much.   Sometimes it seems impossible to escape it.  God bless the WORLD and all its inhabitants.

3-26-03 5 AM. I just woke up for some reason.  I was having vivid dreams, although I can't seem to remember them at the moment.  I remember now that web cameras were part of my dream, I met some people on line in my dream. 7:00 AM  I woke up and took my brother to work.  5:00 PM  Today, I took care of an elderly lady and also made some repairs on a database program.

3-28-03 3 AM.  I just woke up in the middle of the night.  I considered going to the store, but I had a feeling not to go.  Today, I am thankful for more answered prayers.  My cousin seems to be having a fairly speedy recovery.  

I am concerned about the the relations between different countries.  This war is unfortunately getting some bonds stronger while destroying others, it seems like a volatile situation.  I pray that the countries of the world can work separately and interdependently but not against each other.

This weekend I hope to go party a little.  Later today, I am going to go take my brother to work and go take care of some business.

3-30-03 Man another month has passed.  I am just barley scraping by I tell ya.  I did not go out and party much this weekend.  I spent of my weekend with friends.  It was probably more fun that going to a club anyways.  I went to church today.  The sermon was on slothfulness being one of the deadliest sins.  The most ironic thing was I spent most of the day in bed today after church.

4-01-03  April fools day : ) Did you get anyone good?  I know I did!  Someone once said that April fools is a day to remind us of what we are 364 days of the year.  Today, I went and got my cap and gown for college graduation :)  The ceremony is not for another month.  I am going to go get my picture taken and posted up on the college web site.  I am glad I finished my Associates, but I want a Bachelors now.  I worked a few hours taking care of an elderly woman today.  Her floor was filthy, so I mopped it, went to the store and got some food, and fixed it for her.  She had a good day.  I went shopping for some camping supplies afterwards.  There was a whole lot I would like to buy, but I need to make and save some money first.

4-04-03  Yesterday I took my brother to work, I worked some, and then I picked my brother up from work.  I went to the dollar store and found a tape measure, some octane booster, and some oil treatment that seems to have helped my car out a bit.  Today I took my brother to work in the rain.  Someone came into my lane on the way there, but fortunately I was quick to hit my brakes and dodge him and we did not get in an accident.  I think I am going to get my individual graduation picture done today.  Two of my friends have gotten jobs (and they ask when am I going to get one).  Hmm good question.  I dreamed strange dreams last night.  I remember distinctly that it had to to with electricity.  I also remember distantly a  zinc wire (I guess it was silver so it was not copper) was broken causing the circuit not to complete when the wire was held a certain way.  I also remember distinctly (as strange as it is) hooking a couple of wires up to me and then to some kind of radio. Strange dreams... When I remember dreams I like to post them here because it is so rare.  Today, I am going to pick up a friend from work and go out for a drink or two.

4-5-03  Well my friend and I went out on Friday night, but we just were not really enjoying ourselves.  There was no parking where we wanted to go, and then we went to a cafe and got a bad smoothie and somewhat poor service.  We decided to just get a six pack and go home and hang out a bit.  It was not the best night but it was not too bad.  Today, we decided to go out to breakfast.  I ordered too much, I could not finish it.  Afterwards I went on a bike ride.  I am worn out for the day I think.  I hope that I can get a job working at a book store at the college I used to go to.  I decided that is what I want to do for now.  It is close and I don't think it will be too stressful.

4-6-03  I went to church this morning.  Afterwards, I went out to eat for brunch.  I had a good meal.  Then I went and visited with my mom a little bit.  Later, I  went to the Deep Elum arts festival with a  friend.  I stopped by another friends for a little bit on the way home.  All in all it was a good day. 

4-8-03  Last night I dreamed about church.  I dreamed that I was honest with my brother and told him a little about my secret emotions.  I dreamed that he met my pastor (in the dream I don't know who it is in real life or even if that is significant) and he asked if my pastor knew the secrets I had revealed, the I told my brother yes and also told him at one time the pastor shared the same secrets.  Today I received and email from someone that found me through match.com.  Unfortunately, I can't afford to contact him.  He just said basically that it is rare to find someone gay that has a spiritual connection and that he doesn't think he is the guy by any means, but would like to chat.  It is a shame.  I would like to chat with him.  He is a successful programmer and I almost envy that.  I took my brother to work today.  I think I may go to the bank.  I keep putting it off.  Instead of going to the bank, I just mailed the check I had in.  It will save me some gas money.

4-9-03  I don't remember dreaming last night.  This morning I took my brother to work.  It was unusually cold today.  I also worked for a couple of hours taking care of an elderly woman.  I picked my brother up from work and took him to the store.  I was pleased to see that some Iraqi people were able to celebrate the fact that they were not under the control of a violent dictator named Saddam Hussein.  It was wonderful to see the Iraqi people actually toppling the statue of Saddam Hussein in the capital of Baghdad.  I hope that the looting and what not is under control soon.  I hope that the suffering of the Iraqi people ends soon and that they can live abundant joyful lives.  God bless the Earth.

4-10-03  Today I took my brother to work and picked him up.  I also mowed the lawn across the street.  It was a productive day.

4-11-03 Today I am going to take a little day vacation out of the city.  I rarely leave the smoggy city.  I have been considering moving out of the city and just making frequent visits.  If I thought I could be financially secure I just might do it.  Then again, I would miss how easy it is for me to see the majority of my friends since I have lived here my whole life. Well after going and coming back I realized just how close it really is.  All I need is a good job.

4-12-03  Today, I went to get my group graduation pictures done.  This morning I had a difficult time getting ready and was in a hurry and frustrated.  I was making a bit of excess noise moving junk around looking for my cap and gown and I set everyone on edge at the house.  It was almost enough to ruin the day for everyone here.  Thankfully, everyone got over it I think.

4-14-03  Today was palm Sunday. I went to church in the morning.  I remember the song My Redeemer Lives from the service.  I visited with my mom at work.  I witnessed five baptisms today. Afterwards I came home and fixed a couple of chili dogs.  I got sleepy and I took a several hour nap.  Then, my brother and I decided to go see some friends.  Along the way, while I was at a stop light, I saw a car flying towards me. I hit my horn, let off the brake, and then I was hit from behind and I hit my brake and slightly bumped into the person in front of me.  The car I hit was not damaged and the car that hit me was not damaged, but mine was messed up pretty bad.  My neck hurts some, I hope it goes away. I remember now that I did not do what I was supposed to, I should have pressed my head against the headrest.  Even knowing, I did not seem to have time to think.  I was so dazed after the impact, I was thankful to have my brother there to help take care of business.  The guy must have been going about 35 miles an hour or so.  I don't even think the guy hit his brakes, he just plowed into me.  The cops came out and took them to jail.  I am not sure what they got them on, but no insurance was one of them.  I think both of the drivers were intoxicated and I think there was alcohol in the car.  Afterwards, my mom and one of my best friends mom's and I an my friend all prayed together.  We pray that angels protect us and the drivers around us. 

4-16-03 Today, I took my brother to work and I worked a couple of hours.  I watched a show on the history channel about the ossuary that was found with the inscription "James, Son of Joseph, brother of Jesus".  It does date to the time of Jesus Christ and the area of Jesus was in, the soil on it matches that of the area where he is believed to be from, and the limestone seems to date back to the first century and  east of Jerusalem.  The part of the inscription that says brother of Jesus looks slightly different than that of the rest of the inscription causing controversy.  Some believe that it was written after the first century, but it is unknown who wrote it.  The experts believe the last part of the inscription (read from right to left) could have been written by a Galatian.  If indeed it is the ossuary that  contained the bones of Jesus Christ's Brother, then it is the oldest piece of artifact that we have that can be linked to Jesus.  Book on the Brother of Jesus **update, the ossuary was found not to have been the one that the brother of Jesus was in**

4-17-03  Today, I took my brother to work.  I also called a number someone gave me from my church to follow up on a job lead.  Unfortunately, they were looking for someone bilingual for the late shift.  Now, I am looking elsewhere.  I need to call a lawyer and discuss my case with him (I got rear ended by an uninsured motorist).    I know I need to send out some bills so I can pay mine.  There is so much work to be done, I don't even know where to begin.  Shoot, I got an email from the bookstore, they are not hiring anymore.  Ahhhh!  When am I going to start enjoying life?!

4-20-03  Today is Easter.  Yesterday, my mom, brother, and I went to my maternal grandfather's 80th birthday party.  I was glad that my mom's brother showed up.  It is a good sign.   It seems as if our families are pulling back together.  I am extremely thankful, because it had seemed that our family has been falling apart.  Even my parents have been struggling to keep our immediate family together.  I thank God that we are pulling together. 

I had Lunch with my mom, brother, and father this Easter.  I also got to invite one of my very special and favorite friends over for lunch.  After lunch, I took my friend home and headed off for church.  Everything worked out great.  One of the churches I have been visiting helped found a church in Gun Barrel. I rode with one of the pastors, the organist, and two others. I really enjoyed the ride home from church.  I brought along a CD player and a CD full of worship music that most of us sang along with on the way back.  I felt the spirit strong today.  It was a joyous occasion for me.  Thank God for such a wonderful day.

4-21-03  Today was a wonderful day.  I took my brother to work this morning.  Afterwards, I came home for a bit.  My brother was not feeling well, so I picked him up from work early.  I then went to go take care of an elderly woman and along the way I had a very spiritual moving experience.  This evening, a friend came by that I had not seen in a long time. I was glad he stopped by.  It was good to see him.  I was standing outside when another friend drove by and he stopped and we chatted a bit.  He was going to be playing a Hockey game and invited me to come along.  I went and it was a great game.  He was telling me about all the cute girls he was noticing, and I didn't tell him about the guys I noticed.  He said something about this one guy walking around with his shirt off to get the girls attention. The guy said it gets the guys attention.  I as light as the conversation was, I am fairly sure he was joking...but I really don't know for sure. 

4-23-03  I took my brother to work this morning.  I met someone online.  It was very interesting that her mom had a car that looked like mine and was recently rear ended.  Our cars looked so much alike that when her mom walked by and saw my car she said "How did someone get a picture of my car on the internet?!"  She had to get offline because a storm was coming earlier today.  It was part of the the same storm system that eventually ended up here. It was not all that  intense over here really.  I have seen much worse.  In the evening I talked to another friend I met online.

4-24-03 I took my brother to work this morning.  I was sleepy today.  I did not do much.   I did look around on the web a bit for a job.  I actually saw a couple of companies that I thought I might be able to fit in with.  I intend to follow up on those opportunities.  I realized that a friend of mine could probably use the equalizer I don't need that is in my system.  I decided to take it out and I am going to go install it on their system so they can have sound.  Soon, I am going to go pick my brother up from work.  I plan on going to a bible study tonight, though I am very sleepy.

4-25-03  Today, I did not do much in the morning.  I took my brother to work.  I plan on having lunch with a friend this afternoon and then I plan to go pick up my brother.  

I saw a same sex couple on the other half today that had adopted a baby boy.  I was surprised to see that on that show.  The cast was quite supportive.  It seemed Mario got a bit uncomfortable at times, but he seemed to loosen up at the end.  I have always liked Mario, he is just so cute!  My parents came in and saw it on the TV and shut it off.  I was back in my room, I knew they were coming.  

I went to lunch in Downtown Dallas today.  Parking was $4, lunch was $8, not something I can afford too often.  I ate at Fridays and had the chicken  quesadillas. It was nice for a change though, and I enjoyed good company.  It was nice to finally met a friend I had been talking to online quite a bit.  Afterwards, we just walked around a bit and stopped and chatted.  He went back to his hotel for a nap.  I went and picked my brother up from work.   I am getting sleepy, so I am going to take a short nap.

4-27-03  Today, I went to church and afterwards I had lunch with some friends from the church.  After lunch, I visited with my mom and my brother for a bit.  Then, I came home and did some dishes and some laundry.  A friend from the church called and told me that there was a place hiring that I should check out.  I also did a little bit of paper work for a remediation contractor today.  I talked to a friend on the phone that I met the other day.  I don't know what I want to do with my life.  I have so many choices to make.  All in all it was a fairly productive day, though I have been fighting the blues big time.  I am stressed out about bills.

4-28-02 This morning I woke up early.  I got up and took a shower and then I went back to sleep for a short while.  While I was in the shower, someone tripped over something in the hall and made a bunch of racket.  It about ruined her day.  At about 8:30, I got back up and took my brother to work.  After I took him to work, I came home and mowed the lawn.  I got a phone call from one of the guys I worked for, he said he had my payment in the mail.  I was glad of that, but I wish I had called and made sure he had gotten the invoice a while back.  I was getting extremely frustrated this morning, and I was really grumpy.    I got a blister on my finger from the heat of the engine of the weed eater when I accidentally touched it. I fought off a bad mood. Now I am listening to some good techno and watching the my computer generate psychedelic eye candy realizing ho much I do have. 

4-29-03  I had some bizarre dreams last night.  Somehow I had mixed up my glove compartment lock that is broken with a car cigarette lighter in one dream.  In my dream, I think I had to put the lighter in this thing for it to fit and it must have been the lock on my glove box.  I don't remember exactly, but I remembered it when I was in my car.  I know it doesn't makes sense, it was a bizarre dream.  I also remember being in the car with some friends and someone slipping or joking about me being his boyfriend.  I made some comment about my mom thinking he was my boyfriend in the dream.  She doesn't think so anymore though, which is good because he is not.  I don't remember all of what I dreamed, but much of it had to do with the secrecy I have to keep to have a place to stay.  I also remember a dream about being at the table eating with my family and some friends that I have known for a long time.  It was a group of friends that moved a way and I just recently learned that they were HIV positive.  I had learned that they had been going to support groups where there was an unusual number of homosexual people.  I remember in the dream confessing that I had been with a guy to one of my friends, and I remember that he did not take it well.  It angered him. I regretted telling him, but ironically, the others I did not intend to tell were much more supportive.  Well, enough with the bizarre dreams. Today, I took my brother to work and I am going to work a few hours.  I am going to take care of an elderly woman.  I think I will make me some breakfast, and make some extra for her.

5-1-03  This morning, I took my brother to work. I Today, I went to a seminar at St. Pius X in Dallas, TX.  It was a very nice seminar.  There was a woman there by the name of Regina that shared two miracles she witnessed back in 1988.  It was part of a seven week seminar on lifting, gifting, and healing.  I won't be going next week because I will be at graduation.  But, the following week is on receiving the gifts of the Holy spirit and I intend to be there.

5-2-03  This morning I took my brother to work.  He was running late.  I did a little bit of shopping.  I picked my brother up from work and hung out with a friend of mine a bit after supper.  After we hung out a bit, she went shopping and to run some errands. I was just too tired to tag along.  On my way home, I realized how close it was 8:30 and how close I was to a church that I had been visiting called house hold of faith.  I decided to swing by.  I noticed there were not near as many people there, but it was still very nice.  One of the guys that has been leading the group for years asked if maybe he should stop because of the low turn out.  I said, well maybe you should take a break, but this place will be packed when school lets out.  Even with the few number of people there it was a real blessing.  I wish I could give more back to the churches I have been going to.  All in time I suppose.

5-3-03  Today, I am disappointed that I have not seen a check I have been really needing.  I am in terrible financial shape.  I owe on my insurance, phone bills, and credit card (which is maxed out and has not been used at all this month).  As soon as I get paid, I have to take every penny of it to the bank, deposit it, and then decide which bills are the most important to pay.

Well, I wound up having a magnificent day.  I went to the housewarming party at my friends new place and we had a blast.  I got to meet a friend of hers that she had talked a lot about.  We helped her settle in to her new place and I helped break down some boxes.  I was so happy for her.  I look forward to being able to move out and have a place like that, but I am also glad that I have a place to stay that is not as expensive.

5-4-03 Today, I finally got paid for one of my jobs.  I am going to go to the bank and deposit my earnings this month.  As soon as the checks and cash is deposited, I have to spend every penny of it on bills. I woke up fairly early this morning, but I laid in bed the majority of the day.  Tomorrow, I hope to take my brother to work, go to the bank, and mow my lawn.  I also need to see about going up to one of the placement agencies and seeing if they  can help me on my job search.

5-5-03  I made it to the bank and I paid some bills, and it looks like I may be able to have a tiny  bit left over for food and stuff.  Some more good news, I found a lawyers office that acted like they might be able to help me with a case I need help with (my car got smashed). I doubt I will mow my lawn tomorrow.  It has just been excessively hot and humid.  Hopefully I will get up early on Thursday and do it.  The humidity should be lower and if I get up early it could be in the 70s.

5-7-03  It is crazy how there is no spring here in Dallas.  It seems that way at least.  One day it is cold and the trees are dead, the next day it is really hot and the trees are in full bloom.  I did a bit of yard work today. I took my brother to work and also got some x-rays taken of my neck and back to be sure there was no bone damage in the wreck I had. I also did the physical therapy thing.  Their ultrasound machine at the Garland location seemed to be more effective than the Mesquite location.  My neck still hurts though I wish I could get my friend to massage it.  She has helped me so much in the past.  Tomorrow, I graduate.  Friday, I am going to take my friend to work and deliver some flowers (that should be fun).  Oh this life is grand.. In some ways it is really good.

5-12-03  Today, I took my brother to work and picked him up.  I really did not do anything else.  I am a bit down and out today.  

5-13-03 I am having a difficult time choosing life.

5-16-03  Today, I went to a park with an old friend from high school.  We talked a bit and then we went over to his place and had a beer.  I am realizing how fortunate that I am that I have good friends.

5-17-03  Well I have not updated this in a few days.  I have been having a difficult time lately.  For some reason my father thinks I am disrespecting him.  I was loading the dishwasher today when he accused me of throwing dishes and got up in my face and yelled at me and pushed me into the wall.  All I had said was stop it.  I looked him straight in the eyes and told him to stop it.  He yelled as long as I live here I am going to have to respect him, understand?! I said I understand. (I understand I am supposed to respect him, but what I don't understand is why he thought I was disrespecting him) Fortunately, I was able to keep my cool.  He told me to get out of his site, so I went to wall mart and wandered around a bit.  I could not stay gone long though because my headlights are out and it was getting dark.  I wish I had somewhere to run to.   A friend of mine called today, and I was really glad to hear from him.

5-18-03  Today, I went to church.  I finally decided to join Whiterock Church.  I had been reluctant in the past...a part of me wanted to join, and another part of me was a bit afraid I guess.  After Easter and the experience I had and the topic being be not afraid, I decided to join.  I feel like the people at white rock are part of my family.  I was tired of just calling myself a visitor. The people at that church are so welcoming.  I feel that no matter what direction my life goes, I will always have friends at White Rock. 

5-19-03  Today I took my brother to work.  I am not feeling all that great today.   I started to do some yard work, but then I found out how hot it is today and that there is a cool front coming in tonight that should cool us off for the remainder of the week.  So, I decided to put it off until tomorrow.  I need to get my hair cut today and also get my oil changed in my car.  Tomorrow, I am going to have my Graduation picture retaken.  They said they lost the picture...its ok with me, I think my gown was wrinkled anyways.

5-21-03  Today, I did get my hair cut and I did make it to get my graduation pictures re-taken.  I did manage to get my oil changed.  I also tried to get my headlights to work.  The switch is faulty, so I tried to wire around it.  I succeeded on one headlight, but the other will not come on.  I don't know how something so simple can be so complex. 

5-22-03  Today, I did not get a whole lot of stuff done.  I am terribly exhausted.  I did not do much.  I am feeling a bit discouraged at times, confused, don't know where to go.  More than all of that, I am feeling lonely.  I want intimacy in my life and I wonder if it is something that I will ever have.  I did make it to another seminar at St Pius X in Dallas.  I took my brother to work and worked only a few hours.  Tomorrow I hope to take my brother to work again, and to also stop by Eastfield and see if there are any positions available that I might be able to fill for the summer.  In the evening, I plan on taking care of an elderly woman.  God give me the strength to carry on!

5-23-03 Today did not start out too well.  I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  My day was pretty miserable up until the evening.  I had a very nice time visiting with a friend this evening.  I am trying to focus on the Holy spirit.  Today, my friends mom gave me a rosary and I want to at least memorize and understand the words of the prayer and how the Rosary is prayed.  There are fifteen promises for faithfully praying the rosary.

5-24-03 Today, I plan on going to the movies and also working a few hours.  I might try to go to a pool party...but then again, I think my day is already packed.  Well I worked the majority of the day.  Right after the first shift  I went to the movies with a friend, and then afterwards I went back to work my second shift.  It was an alright day.  I got to talk to a friend of mine that is moving to Dallas from Louisiana.  I wish I could have gone to the pool party, but maybe another time I we can get together.  Tomorrow, I plan on going to church. 

5-25-03  Today, I went to church.  I had a good time.  We usually met in the sanctuary, but instead we all met in the small chapel because the air conditioner was not running all night and the sanctuary was way to hot.  It was a packed house.  Someone played the harp and sang a song he wrote about being in constant prayer.  It was a beautifully written song.  We had to cut the service a bit short because another congregation meets in that chapel afterwards.

5-26-03 Memorial Day.  Today was a magnificent day.  My friend invited me to come hang out with her and a friend.  We ended up renting a couple of movies and going to her friends house to watch them.  We also ordered a pizza, and it was really good.    The movie was alright, but not exactly my style.  It was our sorted lives, which I think I was at one time really interested in seeing.  After that, I went to go see a friend of mine that is new to Dallas.  We just talked for a couple of hours.  I really enjoyed his company.

5-27-03  Today was an ok day.  I did not do a whole lot, I just took my brother to work and picked him up afterwards.  I also mowed the lawn today.  I did stop by Man Power  in Town East only to find out that the location in Dallas is probably the one I needed to go to.  I did not make it to Chili's to put in an application.  Hopefully I can make myself do that tomorrow.

5-28-03 Today, I took my brother to work...then I went home for a while. Then, on my way to work, I stopped and took my brother a CD player and some CDs so that he could concentrate on work.  I went to work only to find out that the woman I was taking care of that day had broken her arm and was going to the doctor.  So, I went for a swim later and then went and got my brother from work and we stopped by the store and got some groceries.

5-29-03  I woke up around 5:30 this morning for no apparent reason.  I went back to sleep. Today, I took my brother to work.  He woke me up around 8:30.  I realized that I had some strange dreams.  I was dreaming that I did not have time to complete several tests I had to take for some reason.  I think it was more of a high school setting...though I am not positive.  It could have been college.   All I can remember is not doing well on the tests because I was running out of time. I also remember dreaming about a car.  I think for some reason something was wrong with the car and we were driving down the road with the hood popped up half way...not enough for it to fly up, but not latched all the way down.  Anyways those dreams were fairly vivid and fresh on my mind when I woke up this morning.  I do need a new car and I have been thinking about trying to go back to school.

This evening, I went to another seminar at St. Pius X Spiritual life center.  I keep feeling the Holy Spirit stronger and stronger.  God has made his presence known in my life.  This week I vow to pray at least 30 Min a day and seek the lord more.  I am on a spiritual high.

5-30-03 I slept very well last night.   Today, I took my brother to work and then I came back home.  I fixed some waffles and they were excellent.  I got some good news today. My old boss is willing to take me back.  Thank God.  Praise God.  Alleluia.  It is only about 15 hours a week, three days a week, but it is enough to get by on.

5-31-03 Today, I went and saw an old friend.  We hung out for a bit.  Then, I went to go hang out with another friend and also go to volunteer training for RazzleDazle. (www.razzledazzledallas.org)  A big street party fundraiser for people living with HIV and AIDS.  I am excited about the party, it is next week.  I volunteered for the clean up crew.  After my friend and I hung out, I went home in the evening. I called another a friend of mine and asked if he was going to go for an evening swim....he was, and coincidentally another friend of mine also stopped by there.  So, I rode my bike over there and swam a while, and then I rode my bike home.  After that I talked for an hour with a friend that another friend of mine recently introduced me to that is also working the Razzle Dazzle.

6-1-03  I went to church this morning.  I also kept an eye on an elderly woman today.  Then, I did a little laundry.  I also went to see a friend that just moved to Dallas and we went to IHOP.  It was a good day.

6-2-03  Today was my first day back at my old job.  I got a big welcome and I felt right at home.  I did as much as I could, but there was still lots of work to be done when I left.  After work, I came home and ate dinner with my family.  It was really good lasagna, salad, and bread.  I topped it off with a glass of Lambrusco by Reunite.  Then, I met up with a friend at Frys and looked around a bit.  I entered myself in one of their drawings...Who knows maybe I will get lucky. 

6-3-03  Today was a good day.  I went to lunch with a friend and hung out at a cross roads market with a friend.  I got to introduce a friend I met online to a friend that I have known for a while.  

6-4-03  Today was a good day.  I worked from 11AM to 5PM.  I stopped by the bank and the store on the way home.  I finally got out some thank you cards out for all of the generous gifts I received for graduation.  I fell asleep a bit early and woke up around 1AM.

6-5-03  Today was a busy day.  At first, it was too busy.  I took my brother to work in the morning, and then I watched over an elderly woman for a little.  Afterwards, I went to crossroads market and hung out with a friend for a little bit, then I had to rush back to go pick my brother up from  work.  Then I had dinner and then I went to a spiritual life seminar and experienced the baptism of the Holy spirit.

6-6-03  Today was a pleasant day.  I took my brother to work and I worked for a few hours.  I made it home from work in record timing.  My neighbor brought over some chocolate chip cookie bars as a token of appreciation for helping out with yard work.   I am thinking about Razzle Dazzle and also thinking about the seminar at St. Pius X.  I think I would like to go to the annual Pentecost celebration.  I have volunteered for the evening at the Razzle Dazzle, but I should have plenty of time to do both.

6-7-03  Today was a great day.  It seemed to take forever to get my stuff together for the day.  Once I finally had things cleaned up around here, I went to my friends place.  We hung out and had lunch and listened to the radio.  My friend and I both skipped the Pentecost celebration because it was just too much for one day.  Then, we went to RazzleDazzle.  I saw so many friends it was magnificent.  I stayed and helped with the cleanup as I had volunteered.  We started cleanup around 1AM and it continued until around 4 AM.  We had to wrap up electrical cords coming from generators, stack chairs, move unsold products off the street, and load up metal barricades onto big trailers.  It was a whole lot of work, but it was also fun.  Afterwards, I went back to my friends place and had a couple of beers and then stayed the night. 

6-8-03  I skipped church this morning because I was at my friend's place and I was tired from the night before.  We watched Magnolia.  Magnolia is a good movie, but I think I will have to watch it again to make more sense out of it.  It is a rather lengthy movie, but it is very good.  I pretty much laid around most of the day, but I did mow the lawn when I got home.

6-9-03 Today was a bit rough.  I was a bit sore and I had a headache.  I got most of my work done with only a few mistakes.  I got through the day.  I got to see an old friend that I have not seen in a long time.  He and my brother took off fishing.  I am lonely today.  I don't want to be single the rest of my life and I don't know what to do.

6-10-03  Today, I took my brother to work.  I then came home for a while and took a nap.  I woke up to a phone call from a realtor that said there were three lawns she needed mowed.  My brother was not feeling well, so he needed a ride home.  I went and picked him up and then I went to go see a friend I met that just moved to Dallas from Shreveport.  We just sat and talked, but I had a nice time.   Then I came home and had dinner with my family and went and mowed one of those lawns.  Tomorrow I plan on taking my brother to work and working.  The next day, hopefully I can figure out a way to move the mower, the weed eater, and I 2.3 miles to mow a couple of other lawns.  I seriously am considering trying to figure out a way to squeeze the mower into my car where the handle sticks out of the sunroof!

6-11-03  I worked today.  I got a little bored at work, but it was an alright day.  I took my friend home from work and the traffic was terrible.  I also got to see another friend and I took her home.  The weather was pretty stormy on the way home.  There were people that slid through lights and people being blown around.  I had to dodge big branches that fell from trees.  I was surprisingly not fearful at all on the way home. 

6-12-03  Today I did not do much.  The weather was stormy the majority of the day.  I took a look at a couple of lawns that needed to be mowed.  I decided it was pretty much impossible to haul the mower with the equipment I have.  I called someone with a trailer for help.  I plan on trying to take care of them Saturday.  I slept the majority of the day.  I had troubles getting my router up after the storm.  I am thankful to be back online. 

6-13-03 Today, I took my brother to work and I also went to work.  After work, I came home and had dinner with my mom and dad.  Then, I went to a church's 12th year anniversary celebration.  I got to hear JasonAndDemarco.  They actually really do have a very awesome voice.  It was amazing how they could carry a tune with absolutely no backup music.

6-14-03  I did not do much today.  I slept most of the day.  I probably should have gone to church, but I was just too lazy.

6-15-03  Today, I went to see my Grandmother and Grandfather with my family.  I gave my dad a fathers day card.  It was a good day. 8:00 PM Planning on going for a bike ride and a swim.  Loving life.. Praising God.

6-16-03 Today, I took my brother to work and. I went to work.  It was a good day. The day went by fairly fast.  

6-17-03  Today, I took my brother to work and did not do much most of the day.  In the evening, I went to go see a movie with a friend, and my mom was confrontational about it.   She asked if this was my boyfriend or something... I told her no, but since she brought it up...I told her that I hadn't been with ANYONE since the ultimatum.  We then had a bit of a conversation.  I told her that I am still going to have gay friends at whatever the cost. 

6-18-03 Today, I took my brother to work and I went to work.  The day seemed to drag by.  I actually climbed 18 flights of stairs to break the monotony.  I seemed to be caught up and on top of things which was a nice feeling.

6-19-03  Today I did not do much.  I did not have to take  my brother to work or pick him up because he has his car back now :).  I went for a bike ride and also for a swim.  I went to a bible study today...and I feel as if I got some what of a spiritual message.  I put in a request for a few prayer cloths.  I pray that my friend has found the true answer she has been seeking.  I received a phone call from my boss and he wants me to come in early, which I am grateful for.

6-20-03  Today, I went to work.  It was a good day.  I think I got everything I need to get done done.  I automated the process of printing brochures.  I had to use an if then else statement in a select query from the QBE grid in Access.. It was a simple task but the syntax was not easy to figure out.  The brochures now will automatically put the default fax number if there is not one specified and also use a nickname if it is needed.

6-21-03  This evening, I went out to eat with my parents at a hamburger joint that has been around for a very long time.  Tonight, I went to a party that a friend from high school threw.  It was a nice party and I even met a couple of people.  I had a few drinks, socialized, and watched some of a cheesy movie called Kung Pow.  Now, I am just wrapping up the day...  Hopefully I will make it to church in the morning.

6-22-03  I did make it to church this morning.  I did not come early enough for the new members orientation class, but I will make it eventually.  After church, we went out to eat and my friend helped me change my spark plugs after that.  My car runs much smoother now. I got to spend time with another friend after church at her mom's house. 

6-23-03  Today I went to work.  It was an ok day.  It was busy and I had a difficult time functioning.  My eyes would not focus and my neck was all stiff.  When I came home It took a nap.  

6-24-03  Today was a rough day emotionally.  I could not make myself even leave the house.  There was not much food here and not much money in the bank either.  Fortunately, though, I had some friends to talk to.  I made it through.

6-25-03  This morning I have Victory In Jesus playing in my head.  I was whistling and singing it at work in the morning.  The morning was a bit frustrating at parts, but the day went well. I got through the day fine.  I made it home accident free just after 5:30.

6-25-03  Today I went and tried to help someone with their Gateway Profile 3.  Their DVD Rom was going bad, but it was not recommended that an end user try replacing it because it is so close to sensitive parts.   

6-27-03  Today, I heard about the Supreme Court Ruling on the Sodomy Laws.  I am glad that the government no longer has the right to jail or fine someone for what to mutually consenting adults  decide to do in their own home.  It opens pathways though that are a bit scary. 

6-28-03  Today, I saw a church sign that said "The supreme ruled wrong again"  I am not sure they did in this case, actually I am pretty pleased with their decision.  Also, this evening, a friend of mine pointed out a beautiful wonder in the sky.  We were driving back to her place uptown and the sun was setting.  It was a beautiful sunset, and the clouds made the light disperse in a way that you could see all the colors of the light broken down.  Imagine that!  A rainbow in the clouds in a sunset.  What a beautiful site!

7-4-03 I got up around noon and called a friend and we went and got some fireworks.  I spent the early part of the day with a close friend of mine and her family.  We went to the fireworks store again and I got some sparklers and little stuff that my friends nieces could enjoy.  Went to the Trinity Fest fireworks display in Downtown Dallas and I really enjoyed the fireworks.  The display was great.  There were even smiley face fireworks, and purple hearts.  It was quite spectacular.  Getting in and getting out was not real easy, but it was great. Afterwards, I met up with my friend and we went to one of the clubs close to my friends house and we had a few drinks.  I got a little drunk and spent the night with my friend.  It was fun.

7-5-03  I was lazy today.  I got up and laid around most of the day with my friend and then we headed back to our parents house in Garland.   I was a little bored today, but I did not really feel well enough to do anything.  I did not have a hangover really, but I just did not feel real great.

7-6-03  I went to Taco Cabaña to have a margarita.  I enjoyed it but I got a headache.  Then I went to Melissa, TX with my brother and a friend and too meet up with some of my brother's friends and did some fireworks.  I had a wonderful time.

7-7-03 Today I went to work.  I had a good day.  I sent a prayer cloth from St Pius X catholic church to a friend of mine out of state.  I also brought another to a friend that lives in north Dallas.  My friend in North Dallas and I talked quite a bit. She was telling me how relieved she was from the test results she got from the doctor.  We talked about how God seems to be right with us and protecting us. Afterwards, I went home and ate some leftovers.

7-8-03 Today I did not feel up to par.  I had a difficult time fixing breakfast...and I had a headache all day.  I did not feel up to doing anything really.   I realize the lawn needs to be mowed but I did not do that.  I at least got a card out in the mail and a CD to a friend.

7-9-03  I worked from 11 to 5. I got the lawn mowed in the evening around 7 pm.  It was surprisingly cool outside. 

7-10-03  I did not do much today.  I felt like doing something with a friend, but I could not get a hold of anyone.  I called several of my friends and by the time someone got back with me, I was drained.  I wound up sleeping most of the day away.  My friend Bea came over for a little bit and we hung out. Other than that it was a really bland day.

7-11-03  I had a good day today.  I had strange dreams last night.  I dreamed that my mom tried to wake me up and I was mean to her.  I also dreamed of sound coming out of my vent keeping me up and it was a TV in another room.  I woke up really early and cleaned up a mess that was left in the kitchen.  I decided I should get some more sleep, so I did...but then I woke up 30 min before I should have left for work.  I rushed and got ready and went to work.  Things were slow and I checked my balance and a check cleared that I thought was lost in the mail.  I had to call my dad and ask him to help me out...and he did.  THANK GOD.  If he had not helped, I would have over drafted my checking with nothing in the savings to cover it.

7-12-03  Today, I got up around 11 AM and went to the kitchen to fix breakfast.  Shortly after my eggs and sausage were half cooked, my mom came in the kitchen saying that's what I was going to do.  We need 4 bathrooms and 2 kitchens.. I just said yep..  Then she said she needed someone to pick up the dogs pills before noon.  She laid out the money and then 4 minutes later, she stormed out and said I guess I will go..  then my dad said you better have that kitchen cleaned up before you take off.  I told him I intended to and tried not to let it get to me.   My parents drive me nuts.  My dad said that we have more options than he does.  I really don't think so.  I have very little income, very little resources.  I halfway put myself through community college without any scholarship working on retail wages.  Spent all I got and more.  And the economy sucks right now and the field I am in is over saturated.   and this is what my car looks like.  There is no way it is going to pass inspection in a few months.  Only one headlight works right, the turn signal lenses are busted, the muffler is hanging off... maybe some day I will get my life together.

Thankfully, my friend called me up and invited me over for his little sisters birthday party. It gave me something to do other than sleep my life away.  I had a couple of mikes hard lemonades and a couple of Smirnoff triple black ice.  I thought that it was interesting that the caps of Mike's Hard had words on them and the only thing I could make sense with them was "To" "Obnoxious" "Shelter"

7-13-03  Well today I kind of slept in.  I skipped church.  I went to a friends house and watched a couple of Movies: Punch Drunk Love and Analyze That. We also went for a walk around a park near her house.  It was a really neat park that I had never been to before.  

7-14-03  I had a pleasant day today.  I was busy all day at work, but I did not leave any work behind.  I found out that a friend of mine got laid off today.  I hope that she can find a job really soon.  I told her about a position another friend of mine told me had opened up. I got my paycheck today, which I was really glad of it.  My boss also asked me to help him out tomorrow with his wireless system. I am so glad to be back in the swing of things.

7-15-03  I had an extremely trying day at work.

7-16-03  I thought about work most of the day.

7-17-03  I seemed to make a complete recovery at work.

7-18-03 I finally received a check I had been waiting for for several months.  I went to a party in the evening that a friend of mine invited me to.  I had a good time. I swam a bit and had a couple of drinks.  Afterwards, I just went home.  I really felt a strong urge to come home.

7-19-03  Today, I used that check to open up an account with a bank with more locations near my house.

7-20-03 Today was my father's birthday.  Today, I went to church and afterwards I was asked to to the community prayer for the following week.  I agreed to do it.  I then went home and gave my father his present and then headed out to Duncanville to visit a friend that just moved out there.  I got really frustrated on the way there because I did not get an answer when I tried to call him and get the rest of the directions.  I turned around and headed back home, and then he finally called.  I turned back around and drove to his place.  I was so aggravated from driving around in the heat I was really acting a bit like a jerk...well anyways... we had lunch and then I went home.. Another friend of mine came over and brought my parents a couple of gifts.. It was really sweet of her.

7-21-03  I went to work today.  It was an alright day.  It was busy, but I seemed to get quite a bit of work done.

7-22-03  I was lazy today.  I slept the majority of the day away.  I was supposed to do some volunteer work, but I just could not get myself motivated.  Some storms threatened, but none came this way.

7-23-03  I went to work today.  I had an alright day.  I seemed to get quite a bit of work done.  I also simplified some of the procedures that have to be done at the end of the month.  I set up a way to automatically export data to excel at the end of the month.

7-24-03

7-25-03  I worked today.  It seemed to be a quite productive day.  I seemed to get everything done that needed to be done, and things seemed to go quite smoothly.  This evening I went and stayed with a friend.  I got lost along the way there, and got extremely frustrated and overheated on the highway.  Someone got on my tail and made me really nervous.  Thank God I made it to my destination unharmed.

7-26-03  I had a good day today.  I woke up fairly early and then came home and did some laundry and cleaned up some around the house.  In the evening, I went to a concert with my friend.  It was an interesting concert held at the University of Texas at Arlington.  It was by an (eastern) Indian man who is renowned for healing and meditation music.  It broadened my cultural experiences for sure.   

7-27-03  Today, I went to church.  I just barely made it on time.  One of my close friends was there and we sat together.  I agreed last week to do the community prayer today, and I did.  I prayed for the Holy Spirit to guide me, and I believe  I was guided.   Several people told me that it was a beautiful prayer I delivered.  I was a bit disappointed in myself because I feel that I only delivered half of what the Holy Spirit was leading me to deliver.  But, I know that what was delivered was well received, which was really important.  All in all, it was a beautiful service and others picked up where I left off.

7-28-03  Today was a good day. I worked from 12 to 5.  It seemed to be a productive day with not too many mistakes (I hope).  I got a paycheck and got it deposited, paid a couple of people I owed, and should be able to make my bills, it will be a tight two weeks, and I really need to be looking for another source of income...  But all in all...good day.  I got a full tank of gas, some sprite, and I have some money to get me through the next two weeks.  Went out for a late night adventure...muffler went sparking along the highway and took a leap.  Got some margaritas at Taco Cabana. MMMM Yummy 

7-29-03 Today was a good day.  I worked from 11 to 2.  All I had to do was take care of an elderly woman who is a friend of the family.  After work, I came home and hung out for a while.  I did not really do much.  A friend of mine called me in the evening and asked if I could come help move a mattress.  I came to help.  Unfortunately, we did not get the mattress box springs tied down good enough and it fell out on the road and bent up a bit.  To make matters worse, we got all the way to the destination before we realized it was lost.  We did get the mattresses moved, but of course not without event.     I got hooked on Taco Cabana's Margaritas.  My brother tells me they are nasty, but I have really developed a liking for them that could get the best of me if I am not careful.  I tried the Wild Margarita Coolers from Seagram's, and I was not really impressed.  I got them from Kroger where they had a self checkout machine.  The guy that checked out before me left his four dollars in change.  I was able to get it to him though fortunately when he was loading his stuff up in the car.  He seemed to be really appreciative.  It felt good being at the right place at the right time...position and purpose.  The four dollars may not have been much, but knowing the tendency could be a big money saver.

7-30-03  I worked from noon to five today.  It was a busy day at work, and I was really pressed for time.  I wished that I could have gotten some brochures to someone that needed them sooner.  I heard what President Bush said about same sex marriage and homosexuality. I don't really know what to think and I guess I am still chewing on it.

7-31-03  I skipped church tonight.  I don't know why I did not go, other than the fact I did not prepare for it.  I did not have anything to eat and would have felt rushed.  Instead, I just laid around the house.  I know I really need to get to work full time.  Somehow I need to get myself motivated again.

8-1-03  This morning was a bit rough.  When I was shaving I bumped my arm and sliced the skin on my neck open pretty good.  I went to work and had an ok day.  I got some stuff done.  I tried to repair a broken automatic stapler and one of the springs shot across the room.  I wasn't able to find it.

8-2-03  Today was a rough day.  I woke up to loud noises.  My mom was upset.  She was tired of living in a mess, and decided she was going to be the only one to clean it up.  I got up and went to Bruams to get some milk and eggs. Then  I went to Wal-Mart and got some other groceries.  When I came home, there was a tight spot for me to park in between my brother's car and his rent car.  I let it get to me and I let my brother have it.  I called him on the cell phone and told him he had a lot of nerve to complain about not pulling up so that he could just simply pull behind me, and then he fired back some vulgar stuff.  I was pretty damn pissed.  I had my whole family yelling at me and upset.  Later, I went outside to turn the water on after my parents had gone somewhere....and I realized I had locked myself out.  It was a really hot day, so I went to my neighbors and asked if I could hang out there until my parents came home and let me in.  They were very nice and let me stay inside.  I came back home and accidentally kicked the gutter with my foot and sliced my toe open.  My mom was very nice and helped me bandage it all up.  From there the day has only improved.  My friend came over and we had some hot dogs and then we went to a Catholic gift store.  I bought a wooden rosary Imported from  Italy.  It is much nicer than the plastic one I had.  I went through the motions of praying it once.. I am still learning the prayers.. I am using a virtual rosary program to help me learn.  www.virtualrosary.org if you would like your own free copy of the program.

8-3-03  I went to church today.  It was an OK sermon.  It was on dealing with the fear of the unknown...and how we always have Jesus to turn to when we are afraid.  One thing did jump out at me though....it seemed that the pastor missed the point of a verse he pointed out.  I put a star by the verse and it had to do with not being tempted to worship idols.  I haven't been able to find the verse...but when I do.. hopefully I will post it.  After church, several of us went to lunch.  I think the food I got must have been bad, because my stomach was all tore up and I had to make a run for the restroom when I got home.  I helped a neighbor move some brush down to the street to be picked up.  I signed up to march in the pride parade with White Rock, and I am not so sure I want to follow through with it.  I don't want people to get the wrong idea.  I have many gay friends, and I don't condemn them for what they do.  I myself am primarily attracted to the same sex.   I try my best to follow the law of Love.  I pray constantly that the relationships I have will please God. 

8-4-03  Today I worked a few hours. 

8-6-03  Today was a very hot day.  I worked a short day and then I drove home in the 109 degree weather without air-conditioning.  A good friend of mine stopped by and said hello.  It was already getting late when she got here though. 

8-7-03  Today I had an interview with a sales manager, but my mom offered to let me work for her for a day...so I took her up on the offer.  I worked a few hours and came home. I got some really bad news concerning some medical bills I thought were covered, but evidently are not.  I went to a prayer group and was able to keep my sanity.  Rough day, but I pulled through.  I went and got some margarita mix and some tequila.  

8-8-03 Today, I worked a few hours.  It finally rained a bit.   It was a very nice change.  I welcomed the thunder and the rain.  It seemed to lift my spirits some, as ironic as that may seem.  It did manage to get quite warm in the afternoon, but at least we did not hit the ozone level purple that was predicted.

8-9-03  Well... I just got up...It is nine o clock.  My mom said something about fixing breakfast this morning...so I guess I will be eating a good breakfast soon.   A friend of mine wanted to go drive out to a plot of land my dad owns, but I am not sure if we are going.  I wound up going swing dancing.  It was interesting, I think I might have learned something. 

8-10-03  I missed church this morning.  I woke up feeling sick at 9AM..and then again at 10:30...  I had a sore throat and my head hurt.  I am still feeling lousy, though I did make it to Wal-Mart and bought some antihistamines, decongestants, and some acetaminophen.  (equate sinus) I also got some Halls defense vitamin C drops.  Those always seem to help me recover when I am sick.

8-11-03 I worked today from noon to five.  It was a very productive day although I was not really feeling up to par.

8-12-03 I was supposed to have an interview with a sales manager at a life insurance company.  I wound up canceling because I had a cold.  I instead took the career profile test at home.

8-13-03  I worked today.  I got the results of that test I took.  It basically said that I might not be a good fit for selling insurance and gave me the reasons why.  I was told if I was still interested that I could retake the test in about ninety days.  I still have a bit of a cold.  I worked today anyways.  I found some zicam and it seemed to help immediately.  I was able to help my brother get his computer system up and running.  It was a daunting task, but I think we finally reached success.   

8-14-03 I feel a bit better.  The head congestion has moved down to the chest and now I am taking a cough expectorant.  I laid around all day.  I did very little.  A friend of mine stopped by.  We visited for a bit.  I was supposed to go to a church group but I was afraid of getting someone sick.  I also knew that I get to work tomorrow and work all day, so I wanted to be well rested. 

8-17-03  Today, my brother got a router made by Belkin.  It seems to be much better than the UR8011.  For some reason, the one I got was a piece of crap and so was the US Robotics card I got seems to be also.  I tried two different wireless cards and they would not communicate with the router.  They said I could send the wireless card  in for a replacement though, I guess I will have to. Maybe they will tell me the same about the Router.

8-19-03  Three people close to me are in the hospital today. I feel though as God has a hand in my life.    Getting some good reports from some.  Keeping them in my prayers.

8-21-03  I am so lonely. I am thankful that I get to work tomorrow though.

8-22-03  I worked today and after work I went and hung out with a friend of mine and spent the night.

8-23-03  I came home fairly early today with some flowers for my grandmother expecting to go visit her.  It turns out my mom decided to go the next day, so I tried to keep the flowers alive.

8-24-03  Today I went and saw my grandmother at the hospital.  The flowers looked a bit shabby, but I got them to her.  She seemed like she was doing quite well.  She had the most gorgeous view at the hospital with a view of a pond and geese and a couple of cranes.  It was probably the most peaceful hospital setting I have ever seen.  I brought her a couple of flowers.

8-25-03  My grandmother made it home from the hospital.  The flowers perked right up when she put them in a new vase and put the plant food in it.

8-31-03  Well, I am back online.  I had to rebuild my system again, and my web page editor was the last thing I got back up.  I made it to church today.  I was glad of that.  I found out that Razzle Dazzle was a flop this year, a big discouragement.  All the work I put in at Razzle Dazzle did not amount to anything because they just broke even, none of the beneficiaries got anything.  It is being blamed on the people that came and did not pay admission price, they just came right through the gate.  Terrible.. Sheesh.  Well next year its going to be at Fair Park.  That way, they will have to pay to get in, and hopefully it can help out those in need, which was the whole purpose of Razzle Dazzle. 

9-1-03  Today was a very rainy day.  The roads were very slick.  I saw that several people had slid off the road on the way to go see a friend that just got out of the hospital.  I was glad to see my friend, and I hope that she is recovering ok.

9-2-03  I worked a few hours today.  I went and visited an elderly woman and spent some time with her.  I fed her some eggs breakfast and some fish for lunch. 

9-3-03  I worked today, it was a good day. 

9-4-03  I was very sleepy today.  I was a little late to work.  I could hardly keep my eyes open a work.  It even seemed like things were slowed down a bit.

9-5-03  I worked doing data entry and printing brochures today.  I kept messing up... it was driving me nuts.  I kept accidentally printing to the wrong printer, or printing stuff that did not exactly fit on the fancy paper.  Today was supposed to be a big get together for a bunch of my friends.  Unfortunately, only one friend showed up...but it was fun anyways.  After I had a Shiner, I went over to my friends house who was visiting from Connecticut and played a couple of games of pinball and watched a short stand up Christian inspirational comedy by someone by the name of Swan about planting shade trees. He talks about this from both a literal and a figurative perspective and relates it to a scripture in Jeremiah.  It talks about how some people plant shade trees that people that come after them will enjoy, but they won't necessarily get to enjoy.

9-6-03 Today, I did not do much.  I was a bit lazy.  I had planned on trying to go to church around 6 PM, but I was really tired for some reason.  I just could not make myself get up and go.  I went to El Fenix for an El Vaquero and a Margarita.  It was good, but it was nearly twenty bucks.

9-7-03  Today I am going to go to church and then work.  My parents went to go visit my grandmother. It was a pretty good day.  I also got to talk to some friends I haven't talked to in a while.  I went to lunch with a friend of mine I met at church.    It wound up being a pretty nice night.

9-8-03  Today I went to work.  I came to work all dressed up just for fun.  My boss said, "What the hell is wrong with you!?"  I thought that was interesting reaction! lol  Well anyways, I did get a compliment on my tie.  My boss said I could work all day Friday, which was good news.  I can always use the hours.  After work, I went and had a beer with my friend.  She was having a rough day, and I kind of predicted it.  It was cool that we got together and had some nachos, a beer, and went on a walk.

9-10-03  Today, I went to work, but before work I dropped off my car at a shop to get the brakes, power steering, tires, and alignment.  It cost a whole bunch of money and I will be paying on it a while.  Oh well, I think it is better than doing without a car, I couldn't seem to find another, and there was just no way I could continue to drive it in the condition it was in before I took it in.  I still have some more work that needs to be done, but hopefully it will all work out.

9-11-03 I am a bit depressed that I put so much into my car.  Oh well, it will get me down the road.  I was surprised at what a difference all the repairs made.  The brakes had gotten pretty bad.  Of course I could not not think about the World Trade Center Attacks that happened two years ago.

9-14-03  I went to church today and I also went to work for a few hours.

9-15-03  My boss was not feeling well today, so I got to come in early.  I was extremely grateful for that.

9-16-03  Today, I got to work a few hours in the morning.  After work, one of the insurance agents took me out to lunch.  I was thankful for that, I can always use a little help once and a while.

9-17-03  Today, I worked a few hours at my regular job.  

9-18-03  Today was payday from a side job I had been doing.  I worked for a few hours and then went home.

9-19-03  Today, I got to put in a full day at work.  I was extremely thankful for that.  

9-20-03  Today, I took a drive out to my father's plot of land in East Texas.  I brought a couple of friends and a weed eater.  I was able to clear enough space for a couple of tents.  My friend dug a pit  for a fire.  It was a nice drive out there, though we wished we had some good water when we were out there.  Well, it is prepared for when we get to go camp.

9-21-03  Well it has been a while since I have written in my journal.  I went back and filled in a little info for the missing time.  Well, things are going OK I guess.   I went to church this morning...and afterwards was the big Pride Parade in Dallas.  Well it was my first time there, and this year I was in it.  As conflicted as I was,  I signed up for it with my church.  I sang I saw the light the whole way.  It was quite interesting....At the end of the parade, there were Christian protesters out there (just a few) preaching non-acceptance .  We marched right by them singing.  

I was left with a sad lonely feeling.   The guy I had dated last was in the parade with me, though I feel like that relationship is gone and won't be started again.  My parents have given me an ultimatum, I can live here as long as I don't date guys.   I really depressed me, seeing all the people out there free to do what they choose, many have families that support them, but me...I was there single confused, sad, and lonely after the parade.  I saw young guys holding each other and loving each other, while I still feel threatened.  I feel like even if I could find someone, I would not feel free enough to be able to love them freely.  And the only way to get out of this predicament is to get enough income to have a place on my own.  GOD HELP ME!

9-24-03 Today was an excellent day.  Things seemed to go very well.  The numbers seemed to be on my side.  I saw sevens all day today.  I had a good day at work.   I got to visit with a good friend of mine.  She was in the area to do some laundry.  We had a good visit.  I even got to visit her mom who just got out of the hospital.  I spent an hour talking about the love of God with the guy that I tried to have a relationship with that almost got me kicked out of my home.  I am feeling the love of God today.  I am feeling that there is a major spiritual movement in my life.  (Thanks for all your prayers who ever you are ;) Oh and thank GOD! :) )

10-01-03 I am definitely feeling God's presence in my life.  I went to go have a dinner and a couple of margaritas with a friend today, and I ran across another friend along the way that had mentioned me to another friend of mine.  He was going home, he was tired.  I at least got to say hello and to take it easy.  I went to cross roads market and picked up a book titled  What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality.  And as I was reading through it, I Can Only Imagine came over the speaker system..  It was so awesome.  I really feel as if God is watching over me today.

10-07-03  Well I have started a new job.  I even get to keep my current one.  I am very excited.  I hope that I do a great job.  I am so glad to have it.  It seems that I might be able to make it after all. 

10-9-03  Today I worked for a few hours taking care of an elderly woman.  I got paid and took the money to go get a muffler put on my wrecked car.  I ate at Hubbards in downtown Garland.  I enjoyed the atmosphere of downtown Garland.  It had been a while since I had been there.  I also went to a praise and worship service in the evening with a couple of friends.  I had a nice time.

10-10-03  Today I worked a full day and did quite a bit of work.  I sent out over 300 letters.  I also stopped by the convenient store and bought a couple of lottery tickets.  I won twenty bucks on the scratch off, and I am still waiting for the results of the drawing.

10-11-03  Today I am fighting the blues.  I don't really know what is, but I hope I can get happy soon.  I went shopping at a sporting goods store with a friend of mine and he got a tent.  We plan on going camping in a couple of weeks.  I got a couple of stakes to keep my tent from blowing away and also got a couple of mantles for our lantern.  A good friend of mine invited me to go see the Gospel of John with her, and I invited my friend Paul, and he invited his friend Rachel.  We had a very nice time.

10-12-03  Today, I plan on going to church with a friend and also plan on going to a concert in the evening with a couple of friends.  It should be a nice concert.  I made it to church, to work for a few hours, and also to the concert with a couple of my friends.  It was a very busy day and it was a bit rushed, but it was GOOD.  I saw Jason and Demarco at the Cathedral of Hope in Dallas.  It was a very nice concert and I went to Starbucks for a short visit with my friends after the concert.

10-17-03  Today was a rough day at work.  I made several stupid mistakes.  I spent the night with a friend.

10-18-03  I came home with my friend and took a shower.  I took my friend to her mom's house and then went to go visit another friend I had been promising I would go visit.  We went out and drank a bit too much.  I had two sex on the beach drinks and two caramel apple shots at Times Square after a couple of margaritas with Taco Cabana.  We had a good time though.  I did not really get hung over per say, but I did not feel the best today that's for sure.

10-19-03  Today I went to church and did the final makeup class to become a member.  I wrote a short bio on myself and turned it to to be published in the newsletter.  I worked a few hours after church.  I was extremely tired and went home and went to sleep.  I wanted to go to church this evening, but I was just too tired and also did not want to miss supper.

10-20-03  I had a rough day today.  I did not leave I made tons of little screwed ups all day long. I am feeling really down on myself.  I am trying to fight it and know that this is what the devil wants, me to feel down on myself and beat myself up.  GOD help me defeat it.

10-21-03  I went and visited my adopted second mom in the hospital today.   I also spent some time with her daughter and with another friend and some of his friends.  I got to get together with so many friends today I have to know that I am blessed.  I am reminded to praise the lord for everything and thank the lord for everything.  It is just amazing what it will do for you.   Pray without ceasing and praise the Lord. 

10-24-03  Today, I worked a full day and after work I took off for a camping trip.  I brought some food and some friends.  We had an alright time.

10-25-03  Well I went home fairly early after the camping trip, and found myself exhausted.  I did not really sleep well when we went camping.

10-26-03  I made it to church this morning.  I got my picture taken for the church paper.  I finally became a member.  

10-27-03  I made it through another day of work.  I think I got some accomplished.  I am feeling like I have forgotten so much of what I have learned that it makes it difficult to carry on.  I spent so much of my life going through school and pulling off great scores only to get to into the business world and feel like I am clueless.  Once again I look to God to hold me up.

10-28-03  I am reminded of the power of prayer and the Love of God this morning.  I know so very many prayers have been answered in my life.  If I could only see this well spiritually every day.   I got "good job" complement today.  I know it was the result of prayerful work.  Thank God. 

11-01-03  Today I went to a friends house for a dinner party.  I tried to pick up a part for my car but it wound up being the wrong part.  Too bad.  The dinner party was fun, though I think I drank a bit too much.  I spaced it out over a long period of time, but still I think it all adds up.

11-02-03  I was a bit late for church this morning.  It was a good service and I am reminded of how the church has blessed many lives.  I really thought it would be good for a friend that was at the dinner party to visit the church I have been going to.  She is really into equal rights for women, and I think that my church is far beyond many others in that department.  After church I worked for a few of hours. It was an ok day .  I was quite tired after work today, so I missed out on the evening service at White Rock.  I really wish that I could have more energy to do the things I want to do.  I know a whole lot of the way I feel is due to the lack of taking good care of myself.. which brings me back to remembering that I want to get fit, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  God will make a way.  God will make a way.

11-03-03  I am feeling very down and out today.  I feel like I am not doing as well as I should.  I feel almost worthless, and living is not something I really want to do.  I wish that I could feel better than that.  I guess I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am confused and frustrated with taxes... just totally confused and frustrated with life in general.  Here I am, supposedly have a higher IQ than average, but I can barely survive or function.  So the story of my life goes on another day.

11-04-03  Today, I worked a few hours taking care of an elderly woman. 

11-05-03  Today, I worked for 8 hours and then I went to pick up a friend to come home and have dinner with my family before a healing mass at a Catholic church in Dallas.   Along the way home from my friends house as I was exiting the highway, someone shot my back window on the drivers side out.  Well, it didn't exactly fall out, but it will soon I am sure.

11-06-03  Today, I worked for a few hours taking care of the elderly woman I take care of.  I also got a phone call saying that my co-worker was not able to come in because her daughter was sick.  I agreed to come in for a few hours to cover her shift.  It was a bit of a long day but it was good.  

11-07-03  I worked from noon to five today.  I spent the morning trying to relax some, but really spent quite a bit of time working on my friend's computer.  After I went to work, I came home and had some dinner with my family.  Afterwards, my friend called me and I went over to her house and brought her a CD I found online to replace a record I messed up.  She had been waiting for a very long time to get this song, and she had looked for it for a very long time and accidentally ordered a record instead of a CD.  I was going to try to put the record on CD for her, but I wound up destroying the record because I left it in my car on a hot day.  I tried to fix it, but it was not very easy to do, and I pretty much destroyed it in the process of trying.  So, it did my heart good to get her the song she was looking for on CD and take it to her and spend some quality time with her.     

11-08-03  Today, I spent some time re-building my friend's dell computer system.  I went to the store and got a bit of food and worked on wash a bit.  I am really surprised how fast the day is going.  I would like to eventually spend some time with another one of my friends, but I don't seem to have much energy.  Maybe I will after I finally take my shower and eat some.

11-09-03  Today I went to church and also went to work for a few hours.

11-10-03  Today I went to work.

11-11-03 Today I went to work. 

11-12-03 I worked today.

11-13-03  I worked  a few hours today.  I finally got my hair cut.

11-14-03  I worked today.  I went to go visit my friend, but she was not home.  She had left for her mom's house when I went to go see her.  I wound up going home and decided to get some things from Wall Mart.  I ran into some friends at Wall-mart today.  Something seemed so special about meeting up with them.  Some of them I recognized from a church group.  I talked to them a bit, and one guy Jason, who I had never met before, told me that I should give him a copy of my resume and that he knew someone who might be able to help me find something a little more steady.

11-15-03  Today I slept most of the day away. 

11-16-03  Today I woke up pretty early.  I was officially voted in as a member of White Rock  Community Church.  On my way to a friends house after work, I saw a church sign that reminded me of another day  where I saw a church sign that seemed to relate to the exact moment in my life.  This church sign said you have been given a choice to live or die, choose to live..  And once again...the song on the radio seemed to tie it all together again.  I have been struggling with having a will to live lately.  This time it was the New Radicals--You Get What You Give.  In those lyrics are don't give up you've got a reason to live, don't forget you only get what you give.  It says don't give up, you've got the music in you.  Which is so appropriate because I was remembering how I have the gift of music and how music pulls me through.

11-17-03  Today I felt a bit "under the weather".  I called in and let my bosses know that I was not feeling well and was able to go in a bit late and leave a bit early which helped me get through the day.  A friend of my father's came over today and delivered a prayer cloth to my mother and spoke with her about the ministry he was a part of.  The ministry does seem to be an anointed one, and he did say a whole lot of what I think my mom needed to hear.  One thing that did bother me though was his reference to an experience he had where a big guy came up and hugged him and told him that he loved him.  He said he was not sure how to react and not sure what he had gotten himself into.  It turns out it was not what he thought, but he said he did not associate with those people.  I am sure he meant homosexuals.  My mom and dad both smiled in a way...seeing humor in the uncomfortable situation I guess... I walked away sadly.  I realized as much as this guy knows about God and God's love he still feels this way.  Instead of making it clear that he is a married man not interested in a relationship with another man, he said doesn't associate with those kind of people.  It seems to me that Jesus would not have disassociated himself from someone because they were  homosexual or because they violated laws on cleanliness....and neither should anybody...but that is my take on it.  I guess it is easier to deal with not knowing the condition of certain people's soul if you just don't associate yourself with them. 

11-18-03  I went to work today.  I got paid some, so I treated myself to some Mexican food.  I was so tired when I went out to eat that when I drank a margarita, I almost passed out.  I went to my car and took a nap and drove home.

11-19-03  I went to work today.  I felt like I could not function too well.  My friend's dad called me today wondering if I had heard from her.  It had been a while.  He said her phone was cut off and that he couldn't remember the name of the company she worked for.  I thought and thought and thought... it was about 6 PM before I remembered the name of the company she worked for.  I finally called her dad and told him what company she worked for, but by then he had already heard from her.  I was glad to know she was OK.   I decided to visit her step sister and I guess I over stayed my welcome or something....  After a wile staying there, her parents wanted to know where some paperwork was, and they couldn't find it and it was a really stressful situation, so I was asked to leave.

11-20-03  Today I went to work.  I feel like I did a decent  job.  Other than that, I did not do much.

11-21-03  Today, I went to work.  It was a slow day.  I ran across the documentation on the program I wrote for work and realized I had made several changes since then.  I spent a good part of the day documenting how to use the program now that there have been so many changes.  Other than that, I felt like there was not much to do.    

11-22-03  Today, I went to pick something up from an office supply store.  I drove all over town looking for the store.  I came in exhausted and slept several hours.  I got up for a while, but then went back to sleep.  Next time, I am going to order online I think.  It is just not worth making the trip out there.

11-23-03  I woke up around 9:30 this morning.  I woke up sooner than that, but just went back to sleep.   I plan on going to church and then to work.  Monday, my boss wants me to be there early and have a little "staff" meeting (jut the boss and I)  I don't know what all to cover in this meeting.  I have got to be in prayer about this. 

11-27-03  Today was a wonderful Thanksgiving.  The weather was great and the food was great to.  The time spent with family and friends was also very nice.  It was a great day.

11-28-03  Today I tried to figure out what was causing a smell of exhaust in my car and I think it has to do with vacuum hose leaks.  I don't know who to see about trying to get that fixed.

11-29-03  I had the day off today.

11-30-03  I made it to two church services today.

12-01-03 I worked all day today.  It was a productive day I think.

12-02-03  I had the day off today.  I decided to work on my car to try to make it pass inspection.  It took the majority of the day, but I got it done.. I have some leftover stuff I would like to get a refund on or my money back one way or another.  I guess I could sell the stuff on Ebay, that is something I still have not taken the initiative to do.

12-03-03  I worked all day today.  I felt like it was a productive day.

12-04-03  Today I had to serve Jury duty.  I felt like I was put there to meet someone.  I finally introduced myself to someone that I thought I was supposed to meet.  Come to find out I did meet someone very interesting.  He was a retired Methodist Minister on the United Nations association of Dallas..  I served and I came home and got my car inspected.  I was extremely grateful that I passed!  I had to do some work on it to make it pass.  I made it to a church service this evening at St Pius X.

12-05-03  Today I got to go into work a little later than usual...  It wound up being a very busy day, but a very productive day.  I went to a church service at the Household of Faith.  They have a really good service for youth on Friday nights called Fire by Night.  I was expecting to meet up with a friend. Unfortunately that friend did not make it.  I was in a party mood, but decided to stay home because I could not seem to find anyone to party with.

12-06-03 Today, I was pretty much bored out of my mind.  I even played a bit of Mario Brothers on my emulator.  I called several people in my contact list on my phone.  I eventually called up a friend of mine that a finally met at a friend's house warming party months ago.  He works at the Resource Center of Dallas. He introduced me to one of his friends and we went out to eat at Mia's Mexican food restaurant.  It was 30 minutes before we got a table, but I think it was well worth the wait.  It was really good.  I had a couple of margaritas and some enchiladas.  We sat and talked a while.  It was a very nice evening.  I stayed out until about 2AM.

12-07-03  I missed going to White Rock Community Church the third week in a row!  YIKES.  If I hadn't been keeping in touch through email, they would probably think something was wrong!  I just slept in again.. I stayed out too late.  I made it to several services already this week though...well technically none since this the beginning of the week.  I do plan on going to church this evening at the Cathedral of Hope.  Hopefully I can find my bible.  It think I left it behind at one of the churches I visit.

12-08-03  Well it is off to work I go.  I don't feel real well right now...it seems to happen to me every Monday morning.  I dread going into work almost every week.  It helps pay the bills though.   I made it through the day.  I felt ok once I was working.  When I got home, I was down and out though.  I started to make a bit of recovery after talking to a friend I just met.  I also got to talk to an old friend from high school.  I am crying inside, but somehow holding on to joy. 

12-09-03  Today, my mom basically told me she did not want me to even associate with any gay guys.  It ticks me off in a way.  I try to love all people regardless of who they are attracted to.  I am not dating anyone because my parents have forbid me to while I live here, and now I am supposed to be forbidden to associate with gay guys.  Well, I will live on the streets before I turn my back on my friends.  That's just pretty much the way I feel.  I am a bit depressed and down on myself.  Sometimes I feel hopeless, but I hope I will have a better life soon.  I don't know how...but God does.  I know that God is in my life, I just have to hold on to the hope and joy God has for me.  God help us all in our journey!  AMEN!

12-10-03  Well I made it through another day.  I worked two of my jobs today.  I was fairly depressed throughout the day, but I managed to keep at work and came home.  I haven't eaten much today.  I am really depressed about my love life.  I feel as if I am not allowed to have one....  I don't understand what I am supposed to do.   Ideally, I would like to win the lottery and move in across the street...that way I could live my life with freedom while still staying close to my parents.  The freedom would open a whole other can of worms though I am sure.  I guess getting a good job would do the trick...but I don't see it happening.  I almost think it would be more likely for me to win the lottery!

12-15-03  I worked today.  I was pretty depressed all day today.  When I got home I went right to bed.  I got up in a few hours and ate a bit.  I just don't feel right.  A friend of mine called me tonight and it made me feel a little better.

12-16-03  I worked a few hours today.  I was pretty lazy and tired today.  Things did not seem to go my way.  I slept quite a bit today.  I a bit depressed, but not terribly.  Christmas is only a week away! 

12-17-03  I worked a full day today.  I think I got some work done.  It seems like I did a decant job.  I deposited my checks today and drooled over one of the tellers (like I do all the time)  I came home and paid my cell phone bill, my car repair bill, and my credit card bill.  I still have a couple of dollars left in the bank, of course I could have put more towards the credit card or repair bills, but I figure I am going to need a little bit of cash to get me through the next couple of weeks.  I am so fortunate that I still have a few jobs.  THANK GOD! I am very depressed, but I think I will be ok.  I will just listen to Elton John a bit  and cry for a while, then maybe I will try to pull myself out of this!  It has been a rough year, but I think I am going to make it through it!

12-22-03  I got a Christmas bonus! :)  This is the first year this has happened to me.  I also was asked to start working more for one of my bosses.  All I need is the desire to desire more work and make myself do it.  I welcome prayers for stamina.  That's what I need right now.  Stamina to do what I have taken on, what has been given to me.  Thank God for putting me to work.  I have faith that I will continue to work and serve the Lord.

12-24-03  Today was Christmas Eve.  I should have gone to work, but I did not.  I was really bored today.

12-25-03  Today, I went to go see my extended family.  It was like thanksgiving all over again.  There was tons of food.

12-26-03  I worked on cleaning my house some and doing some laundry.  I was terribly behind.  My parents went and saw the dead sea scrolls exhibit.  They had an alright time.  I was a bit concerned because my mom was not feeling well.  Tonight, I went to Deep Ellum with my brother and his friend.  We saw the last song of my cousin's set in a little club down there.  I had  a few blue Hawaiians.  I am terribly self indulgent sometimes!

12-27-03  Today, I took my gift certificate and bought some shoes.  They were too big, so I took them back and got some smaller ones.  I realized the ones I got were too small.  Then I went to get the size in-between and found out they did not have any.  They said they would order them for me.  I also went and got my hair cut today.  So, I got some done today.

12-28-03  I missed church today.  I did work for a few hours though.  I was kinda down and out and called a deacon and spoke with him a while.

11-29-03  I worked a full day today .

12-30-03  Today I woke up and was extremely depressed.  It got a little better as the day went on.  

12-31-03  Today I am feeling a little better.  I had been very depressed.  I wish I could party some this year.  I am still not sure exactly what I am going to do.  I worked a few hours today and then I came home.  The evening was good.  I spent it with my best friend and her family and my family.  I was up very late celebrating the new year.