GTA 3: Chatterbox
"Yeah, I love this show. I love hearing peoples opinions, thats what made this country great, people and opinions and stuff. Most of all guns. Ive had it when people whine about guns killing people. Guns dont kill people death kills people. Ask a doctor, its a medical fact, you cant die from a bullet, you can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major hemrich a small piece of metal aint the problem. Besides, I only use my machine gun in the safety of my own home and car"
British accent "Hello lazlo (the show host) im a first time caller, i recently moved to liberty city from Hampshire in england." "Oh really how do you like it, is it hard to get used to the language, you speak english pretty good" "oh thank you lazlo yes yes i do like it here, but there is one thing that is different and rather worrying. When i was a boy in england, I had a nanny, she was very strict lazlo." "yea well theres excellent child care here in america... ya know" Well im sure, but the thing is lazlo when i was a naughty boy, I would get spanked, nanny, nanny would spank me when i was naughty. and Now now freddie needs a nanny cuz when freddies naughty he needs to get spanked" well there are some child Physiologist that would probabley say that spanking can be harmful to a childs emotional development" "ab-ab-absolute not lazlo, its lovley. Freddie needs a nanny. He needs a nanny lazlo because freddyie been a very naughty boy." "how old is your son" "excuse me?" "how old is your son" "I dont have children, i cant stand the little brats, but freddie needs a nanny"
"Everybody knows women are made from sand"
"yea you were talkin about short guys and attudes, well youd have an attitude too if you could reach the friggen cheesey swirlies at the grocrey store." "yea sometimes it feels like the whole worlds agaist ya, i mean" "ya know were not talkin about you, what kinda ego maniac are you, you got your own show, how bout lettin other people talk for a change? Your all the same you giants, o im tall, im so important, listen to me talk about my tall stuff, i think ill put this on the top shelf, hey whats the weather like down there, hows it going short stuff, can you get that your closer, why so sad pee-wee, who do you think you are! Short people are people too"
"I want to talk about spanking" "oh god notta nother one" "I think spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from wrong" "so you think teaching kids at an early age that violence is the solution to problems will make the valuable members of our society" "exactly, i knew youd understand lazlo. My daddy used to whoop the tar outta me. He once hit me so hard my spleen fell out my ear, i didnt do me no harm. Look at me now, im the best pest-control guy in east portland. Ive killed more rats, roaches, verman u could imagine, and i love it, this is such a great country, i wouldnt be where i am today if my daddy hadnt beat me senseless"
ah yes, I'd like to say something about these damn people on trains and buses in the city who yammer on and on into there cell phones, im really glad we get to hear about what your having for dinner, what we should do is heard them up and put them on an island. I am a president of a group called citizens raging against phones" "Crap?" "Exactly!" "you organisation is called crap, wha- what kinda moron are you? You wanna round people up for using a phone but your calling up on a phone to tell the world about it, how many people are there in this crap?" "Citizens are raging agaisnt phones lazlo." "how many people?" "there are 3 of us" "its hard organising meetings without the phones though, weve had to resort to carrior pigeons and they keep disappearing" "what are you talking on, whats that in your hand?" "I am not the problem, you are! and your perpetuating the downfall of mankind, Liberty city was great before phones ruined everything." "liberty city has a church at cowpasture and 3 houses when the telephone was invented" "LAIR!" "You're the lair" "lair, lair pants on fire" "what are you...are you 3 years old?" "lazlos a lair, lazlos a liar! I bet thats not even your real name" "shut up" "you shut up" "stupid!" "nanny nanny boo boo stick your head in doo-doo." "ahh were goin to commerical.
Remember, being fat can even ruin a romanic cruise.
"hello lazlo, love the show, im a first time caller. I wanted to say something about these video games, they are warping our kids minds. My sons dog Bugo got hit by a truck and he says mommy mommy wheres to reset button. Kids these days, they think lives a game, well its notta game lazlo, its very very serious. I let my kids play video games, and now he runs around the house looking for gold coins. Its just teaching our children to go chase money. My little Sam has been playing this new video game called Pogo the Monkey" "yeah, ive heard of that one" "his shop teacher called me today, and sam made a homemade banana cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them acrossed the street at a fastfood resturant. And its all because of video games. Lazlo, life does not have a reset button" "right, but this show does.(dail tone) ahh i love that button."
"i wanna talk about that bag stuff. People say its bad for you, its not bad for you at all. Why arent you talking, what do u think im stange? am i on the air? hello. awnser me you pansy"
Tonight, the TV event that will make history, liberty city survivor. This takes reality tv to a whole new level, we'll take 20 resently periled guys equipt them with granade launchers and flamethrowers and let them hunt each other down. Its the reality show where might be part of the action. "i was gettin a sandwich at the happy blimp and all the sudden these guys crashed though the window and started shootin at each other. I was so excited i didnt realize id been hit. After that i was hooked on liberty city surviver, I watch it everyday in the hospital." The game doesnt end until theres only 1 man left standing. Tune in nightly or watch the 24-hour live web cast. Liberty city survior, natural selection has come home.(sponsored by ammunation)
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"Lazlo man, I was listenin to the english whimp you where talkin to earlier, i mean, do these guys know how wussy the sound? I mean, they, they have the nerve to call crackers biscuits and they say al-i-min-e-um instead of aluminum i mean whats up with that? They all think they sound so smart with there funny accents, I mean, i got something for em, speak english you limey moron." "you know i think they were speaking english before we were, the people over here were speaking shashony and cherokee." "man cherokee shmarokee man, and, and another thing, whats up with them callin soccor football? Man, ya you ever watch soccor? Man thats a boring game man. Ill tell you what soccor is, soccors for little girls man, football, now thats an american sport. It teaches you good wholesome American values man like, like stealing other peoples land by force and wearing tight pants while ya do it" "What are you talking about?" "Im talkin about being a man lazlo, sometin you wouldnt know anything about from the sound of things. Ill tell you, i bet you played whimp stuff like like touch football and basketball 'look, im runnin around the court bouncin the ball and im 7 foot 3' im tellin ya man, i only played man sports like football, and hopscotch" "hopscotch! Thats a girls game." "Man, they aint a girls game man, not rugby hopscotch. Man get me in a scrum and im dangerous. Ill take anybody down. Im the hopscotch master. I got fly skills at hopscotch, you know what im sayin?" "ya. yea i kinda see your point but you know youd be a little cranky to im your empire has fallin apart in the last 100 years."
"yea, is that lazlo? Yes it is, whos this?" "my name anit important, its real unimportant ok?" "uh no not really, i mean this is a radio show people usually tell us there name" "my name is real unimportant and im u wanna keep bein a wise guy youll find out how unimportant, like unimportant i just go shot in the head unimportant, do i make myself clear?" "uh, yes, why are you calling in today?" "because I need some advice and I aint doing any of the shreak shit" "uh ive u swear again were gonna have to cut you off, this is a family show" "sorry sorry sorry, im im just a little unhappy, a bit agitated, real angry. Its my ma. She dont think im a real man. Can you Imagine that? I mean, i do a mans job in all, but she treats me like a little boy. All i get is 'ur pa this' and 'ur pa that' and 'you aint a real man tony' and its driving me freakin nuts" "well tony" "Tony? How did you know my name was tony? You tracin this call? Cuz if you are, your gonna get real imtimitly acquainted to what your brains look like, my name aint tony, ok?" "ok" "but my mom, she keeps going 'tony tony tony be a real man, stand up for yourself dont take no shit, but all i do is to be a good son..."
Vice City.
"How do you start your day" "well...i usually start by drinking an pint of blood, then i go up in my room, light some candles, and cry"
"The greatest thing about life is death...and dying, thats good too"
"Fran from Little Havana plegded 10 dollors. Wow, you think she could of pledged more than that." "Yea, mean bitch, I hope she dies the most agonizing death." Absolutley Michell."
