To soon...
So, I saw my ex (From here on out, I will only refer to him as my best friend. I hate the term ex, especially when applied to him...) tonight. We went to a movie with a couple of friends. I think it might have been too soon. Correction, I'm pretty damn sure it was too soon.

I'm still incredibly attracted to him. No lie. But I was so unhappy those last couple of weeks... How can it be that I can be so unhappy WITH him, but so unhappy WITHOUT him. But then I get back here, to my dorm, and I'm know it wouldn't work.

Over the course of our relationship I made a lot of promises to him. Most of them, I couldn't keep. Like, "Promise you won't ever leave me." I didn't keep that one. But I also promised that if we ever did split up, I would give it a second chance if the opportunity arose. And THAT one, I have every intention of keeping.

I know that they say that love is supposed to stretch the distances, but I just wasn't happy in our relationship when I couldn't be with him. I don't know. I still love him. I'll never stop loving him. Maybe I'll never stop being IN love with him.

But there are so many things that would have to change and be worked out to make things work between us. Little things that I barely even realized myself until I honestly started thinking about it.

He's got to get his own life settled before I can be a part of it. Maybe once he gets into school, gets a job, starts driving, living on his own. Being more mature. Maybe once some of those things happen... well, maybe then we'll see.

I suppose I've got some of those issues to work on myself, hmm? Maybe not the maturity, or driving, or school, or job... But still, I do have my own issues. I want to live on my own. I NEED to live on my own. To be independent of everyone, before I can start sharing dependency with another person.

I need to experience life, before settling down to find what's right for me.

I think that's all I have energy for right now. I feel so emotionally and physically drained right now.

I'm going to sleep. And then get up tomorrow to read some more Hume. (Whoop-ti-do...)

Someday.... who knows.

Later days.

Internet love.... ahh....
So yes, I think I'm in very deep like with a person that I've never met. With a person that I don't know what he sounds like. With a person that does not even know I exist (unless he reads his comments from his post yesterday...)

I've been reading EmoAllen's weblog (www.tremorseven.com) and his writing is absolutely amazing. Even his daily whiny bullshit that everyone has. It just... connects.

Now, I am NOT going to meet him (well, I can't say never, but I have about as much chance as a snowball in hell). He lives in Pennsylvania at Penn State.

Is it creepy? I don't know. But somehow it helps me deal with my daily shit to see that someone else in someplace else deals with their own daily shit.

He's an emo kid. That attracts me for some reason. Mainly because he does what I wish I could do. I only wish I could be completely and 100% myself in every range of emotions. No matter what. I'm sure he doesn't think that's what he's doing, but you never know...

But until I can be myself, I'm going to keep blogging my own life and keep reading his.

And now for some possible sleep action, if the noisy assholes outside the dorm with quiet down... I hate Friday nights/Saturday mornings on a college campus...

Habit regression. Is there such a thing?
So, is there really such a thing as habit regression? I suppose it would technically be called a relapse. When you fall back into old habits and ways of thinking. Isn't that what they call it when drug users go back to doing drugs after being clean?

Well, I certainly have my addictions. Nothing illegal, just... frowned upon. Ani raises a good point.

"you tell me
what's real?
and they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
even when they're as dry as my lips for years
even when they're stranded on a small desert island
with no place in 2,000 miles to buy beer
and i wonder
is he different?
is he different?
has he changed? what's he about?...
or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?"
(Ani Difranco, Album: Little Plastic Castle, Song: Feul)

I haven't cut in over three years. Hell, I had stopped cutting before all the shit happened and my parents found out. They didn't find a single open wound on me. But damn if it hasn't been on my mind lately. I keep wondering if I could actually do it. Could I actually put a razor to my skin and draw it across, seeing the red life well up in tiny little drops? I think I could. I just can't exactly remember what it feels like. Well, that's not true. I dug a pencil across my flesh (though not enough to draw blood or even create a mark) the other day during class. That's what it felt like. So I do remember. I just don't know if I can do it.

I suppose I'm not as bad off as I used to be. I'm actually rational about it. Then again, I don't have any "implements of destruction". Since my sophomore year, I've bought shaving razors that have the little metal safety wires across the blades. Those are a lot trickier than the disposable kind. Harder to pop the actual blade out of them. It's a deterent. And I'm not going to use anyone else's razor. I'm careful about being clean.

I don't think I'll actually cut. I'm not in a triggering state like I was a month or so ago. Then I was really hard pressed to calm myself down. But even then I didn't do anything.

So, could I actually do something? Probably. Will I? I don't know.

Why is it that I love being alone, but yet, when I am alone, I feel so f*cking depressed? (Will angelfire allow me to say that? I have't really read any rules about it or not...)

I say I don't like people, but then why is it that I need human interaction? That's been my biggest problem here. I'm not hugged, held, touched. There's no one I can call up without feeling like I'm bothering them.

I don't know. We'll see. That's all I can ever do, right? Just wait and see...

Later days. :/

"Someone's gotta hear this beautiful thing..."
(The quote above is from a song by Poe called "Beautiful Girl" Awesome song. Even better singer/songwriter. Check her out. www.p-o-e.com)

So today I went to my hometown where I got to see my grandparents. Oo fun... or not. But I did get to see a friend of mine that I haven't seen since freshman year. Four years ago. It was incredible. We went to a movie, but I just loved it. The movie wasn't that wonderful, I mean, it was really funny and all. But it was just so great to hang out with him. I had never hung out with him before. Our "social groups" or whatever clashed and we never really talked. It was fan-fucking-tastic.

Can't wait to talk to him later. We'll see what happens. I don't want another long distance relatinship, but it might be fun to just have someone to mess around with. ;)

It's official...
So, my boyfriend and I officially broke up last night. It was rather emotional, but I think things are going to be ok. We'll be ok, eventually. He's still my best friend.

I found the best blog ever. This guys is just absolutely hilarious and awesome. www.tremorseven.com Check it out. Maybe mine'll be ok eventually. Right now it's just for me.

I just had to post this. I needed to talk about it. I'll probably post again later with more "news".

Later days!

Emotionally stable? Me neither.
So, last night I drove around two hours each way to visit a friend. Whether this was a good idea or not, I still haven't decided. Both of us are emotionally unbalanced right now. He's going through a similar situation as myself, though not exactly the same. He's been wanting to date his best friend for the past year or so and while they finally dated, it's been rough going. Each can't decide if they're happy with the other.

So while we're both so emotionally charged right now, we decided to get together, knowing each other's situation. I haven't seen him in around three years. If I hadn't moved when I did, we might have ended up dating at some point in time. The fact that I was dating his close friend and he had had an... experience with my best friend, probably didn't help our chances at the time though.

He's a very... intense person. Emotionally and physically. I will NOT get into another long distance relationship and I will NOT get into a relationship so soon after getting out of one (more on that later, seeing as I'm not technically OUT of my relationship yet either).

We didn't do anything... but there was definite tension. Tension just isn't the right word though. We sat in complete silence for probably half an hour. Complete comfortable silence. Probably the most communicative silence I've ever experienced.

But was it too soon for us to see each other? Were we both prepared for the ramifications of last night? Again, we didn't do anything, but... there was a connection. I haven't seen him in three years, and we could read each other like a book.

Part of his problem with his best friend and their relationship is that she isn't physically attracted to him. So, knowing this, I had to be very careful guaging my reactions to his actions last night. I am attracted to him. I probably have been for four or five years. It was just... too soon.

Physically I wanted him. To kiss me and hold me. But emotionally, all I could do was mentally sob. It's such a huge difference. It's so scary. I suddenly don't have this person in my life in the same capacity that they've been for two years, but also, that means I have so much freedom. Both prospects are terrifying.

I'm seeing another friend that I haven't seen in several years on Thursday. Even stranger with THIS friend though, is the fact that we never really talked in person when I could actually see him. We talk online on and off, and lately we've talked almost nightly for several hours. It should be interesting seeing him. He lives where I used to live and where my grandparents still live. So I have to make a mandatory appearance at my grandparents and then we're going to hang out or do something. It could be intersting. Then again, I said the same thing about last night...

Which, last night was interesting, just more... intense than I thought it would be.

So, as far as my boyfriend goes. I think I'm calling him tonight. Tonight I'm going to actually and officially break up with him. Last night, my friend said something that I think is really true. He said that, just from listening to the way I talk and my use of "officially" not broken up, in my mind, we're already seperated. It's just going to be very difficult and I don't really want to deal with it. I just want it to be over with. Done. Finito. Fin.

We'll see if I'm more or less of an emotional train wreck tomorrow... or later today.

October 13 is official This Day Sucks Day.
So, today officiall sucks. And it seems to suck for more than just me, so I have declared that it is national This Day Sucks Day and we should all just curl back up into bed.

My boyfriend and I haven't officially broken up, so that leaves much drama to be decided. I know what's going to happen, but I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to be long and painful and well, that just sucks.

Maybe I'll put it off until tomorrow. Right now, I think I'm going to my friend's in Orlando. He needs some comfort, and to be honest, so do I.

We'll help each other.

Crying=Headache
So I spent most of the afternoon crying because Craig and I are breaking up. Yes, I knew this. That doesn't make it any less hard. However, we're still not completely broken up, which means there is more crying to come. However, as for this post, it is done for now.

Later days!

So... football just isn't my thing
Well, we lost. 13-10 TCU. It was a close game and an exciting one (At least, that's what I gathered...) but we still lost. So the ERK (Epsilon Ruckuss Krew... the guys across the hall in the dorm plus a few. Epsilon is the dorm we live in, ruckuss is just what it's all about, and krew... well, apparently it's cool to spell things wrong) is rather upset, but they'll bounce back. Especially after a few shots of the Captain. Who knows, maybe I'll even join in.

Yeah... right... me drink. That's a good one. I'm 18 and I've never had a single alcoholic drink, smoked a single ciggarette, or even had sex. I'd like to get drunk someone, but I'm not so sure with these guys, just 'cause things can get pretty crazy. I'd want to feel safe if I were going to essentially lose control of myself.

Anyways, it's been a long day so I'm going to go off to dream land.

Later days!

Game day! USF vs. TCU!
So supposedly this is the biggest home game of the season. TCU is ranked and well... we're not? I honestly have no idea. I've been roped into going to this football game by my friends and I have no idea why. Maybe I can bring a book? How much of a nerd would I be then? Hehe... Yeah, but it's pretty sad. I have no idea about football at all. None. Zip. Zerro. Zilch. Oh well, I guess I'll just cheer when everyone else does. But supposedly I need to go buy a USF shirt to wear to the game. Is my individual style not good enough? Must I conform to look like the rest of the "herd"? (Yes, that is a horrible pun, seeing as we're the Bulls.)

I don't like the idea of *having* to go buy a shirt... Maybe I can just wear my Honors College shirt or one of my old high school shirts (they're colors included the same green, so... maybe). Who knows? We shall see...

So that's my plans for the day. Going to the football game. I also have some reading and studying to do, so that's what I'll be doing before the game. Fun fun.

Hopefully we'll win and then hopefully the celebration will be contained to a six shot minimum by most of the Krew.

Later days!