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THE 13TH APOSTLE:
By: Josh
06.09.01
A lot of superstitions are based on old stupid crap that doesn't hold true today: opening an umbrella indoors for example. It WAS bad luck because you broke all the shit in your house, they had smaller houses, so it's bad luck, you had to buy new crap. Same with breaking a mirror being 7 years bad luck. They were poor bastards then, it took 'em 7 years to save up to buy another. I have no idea where 13 started as an unlucky number, but I have my suspicions that it was because of this loony.
The Apostle Paul
Age: 2000 years deceased, killed by the Romans
Weight: No clue, but I'm sure he was fat, old bastard
Marital Status: The man was celibate... his love came from Jebus!
Story: Paul was around when Jesus was, but he was pretty anti-all-that-Jesus-crap, until one day, after Jesus died and allegedly came back, Paul had an epileptic seizure and went blind for 3 days. He woke up, and decided to take over the world, er, convert the world to be prepared for Jesus' return. See, he thought Jesus was coming back within his lifetime, not that we'd still be sitting around, over 2000 years later, with jesus.com as our only source of jesusy-goodness. So, Paul goes on a quest, and became the first "preacher" of modern day society. And, as I mentioned in Hostile Takeovers he has to resort to any means necessary to make the world Jesus' slave.
So eventually, after taking all the beliefs of other religions and telling people that Jesus was the same as that, but, you know, better! He absorbed all their holidays etc. etc., he threw off the old shackles/requirements of having to be Jewish and circumcised and started accepting anyone who wanted in. All this kinda pissed off the Jews, so the religion(s) split to Judaism and Christianity, 'cause they were different enough by that point not to make any sense as one religion
Notable: "(The pagans Paul convinced to convert) believed that by eating a sacrificed bull's flesh and drinking its blood they would be born again just as life itself had once been created anew from the bull's blood." To explain why this is notable, you know that shit they make you eat at church on Sunday? PAUL IS TO BLAME FOR THAT! It's not even a part of the original frigging religion, he just bullshitted some crap about Jesus being sacrificed for our sins! Crock - of - shit! ALL OF IT! And I'll tell you one thing for sure, I'm glad he's dead, the bastard.
5 GREAT LESSONS:
1 - The Most Important Lesson
During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a
conscientious student and had breezed through the
questions, until I read
the last one: "What is the first name of the woman
who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several
times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but
how would I know her
name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last
question blank. Just before
class ended, one student asked if the last question
would count toward our
quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
you will meet many
people. All are significant. They deserve your
attention and care, even if
all you do is smile and say 'hello.'" I've never
forgotten that lesson. I
also learned her name was Dorothy.
2 - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American
woman was standing on the
side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a
lashing rain storm. Her car
had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided
to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped
to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.
The man took her to safety, helped her get
assistance and put her into a
taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote
down his address and
thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on
the man's door. To his
surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to
his home. A special note
was attached.
It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the
highway the other night.
The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my
spirits. Then you came
along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my
dying husband's bedside
just before he passed away. God bless you for
helping me and unselfishly
serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
who serve
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10 year old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A
waitress put a glass of
water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream
sundae?" he asked .. "Fifty
cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in
it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?"
he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing
impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely
replied."
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have
the plain ice cream," he
said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked
away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the
cashier and left. When the
waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped
down the table. There,
placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two
nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to
leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacle in Our
Path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove
the huge rock. Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around
it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the
roads clear, but none
did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came
along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon
approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the
road. After much pushing and straining, he finally
succeeded.
After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables,
he noticed a purse lying
in the road where the boulder had been. The purse
contained many gold coins
and a note from the king indicating that the gold
was for the person who
removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant
learned what many of us
never understand.
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a
little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare
and serious disease.
Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her
5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived
the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained
the situation to her little brother, and asked the
little boy if he would be
willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him
hesitate for only a
moment before taking a deep breath and saying,
"Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to
his sister and smiled,
as we all did, seeing the color returning to her
cheek. Then his face grew
pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor
and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was
going to have to give his sister all of his blood in
order to save her.
You see, after all, understanding and attitude, are
everything.
Now you have 2 choices....
1. Delete this email, or
2. Forward it to people you care about.
I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember. .
"Work like you don't need the money, love like
you've never been hurt, Give as much as you can, and dance like you do when
nobody's watching."
Email: khazmireynor@yahoo.com
