Back in the Big O as of 2010 Watts up, just an intro to me, Im a father among other things now, they are my life, i was born in Omaha, NE and raised in Denver, CO and Watts, CA. I live in Denver, CO for now. Still Reppin tha WEST on tha Eastside. If U don't know don't ask. Ive been in or affiliated with C(RIPS) from tha tyme I was born. If u don't like that then CEE YA. Im updating this often now cuz of tha kids. Checc bacc lata. 1
Cassandra Inez Thomas(Melton) What can I truly say to honor you more than you are and will always be MY best friend, protector, guidance, my true North star. We being both Cancers and birthdays 6 days apart, knew more about each other than we did ourselves. I know your with Mom and granddad and they are so PROUD of you as I am because of the woman, mother and provider you were and still are. Crude and I will carry on what you've instilled in us, your always going to be with us..................
Watts sup, its March 6, 2024 and I'm devastated to inform that Mom transitioned early morning Feb 25th, 2024.
I'm lost right now and really don't want to say or talk to anyone at the moment....................
Watts wit you, its 2021 April 27th and I'm still hurting. I lost my little brother Derrick "DerDer" Melton Sept 25th of 2020 but and still we rise new music from my nephew below SauceGod. I created this page so my kids would always know I loved them and that I'm not what I a lot of people think or say about me.
Well it's Nov 27, 2019
I know I haven't spoken in a while but a lot has happened.. Yes I moved home but this year has been hard with work, loosing my great aunt (93)she was blessed and we were as well for having her. That happened in the middle of Oct. Then Halloween week on that Monday a gun was pulled on me and he tried to rob my store. Tried so I took a week off got it together and back at it.
REFLECTIONS
JULY 18, 2006
"I'VE ONLY MOVED AWAY"
When my life on earth is over,
And my body is cold and still,
Do not grieve because I left you
Just remember it was GOD's will.
All my suffering will be over,
Every trial and every test,
When GOD has called
And I have answered
Don't worry, for I'll be at rest.
Only ask yourself this question ~
"Am I ready to meet him there?"
Where there'll be no separation
In Heaven so bright and fair.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
I see now Father,
You'll never see or hear this , but I understand. After Desert Storm I get it. Vietnam changed you
and that's what you didn't want for your sons. Thats what brought out the religion and you becoming a minister.
I've seen it too and you never forget it or forgive yourself. We over compensate with other things and women.
But it leaves you hollow inside. I cant take back what you've done any more than i can what I've done. I'll live the rest of my life with a lot of regrets, as you will. But your my name sake and I love you for what you are not what you've done. I respect you for what you did, you had too, as i did. I've spent a lifetime hating you for not being there and it wasn't you, but mom and my stepfather. I'd be scared of me too if i was you, i know you've been keeping up on me, and know what I've become. ITS YOU.
December 16, 2011
Dear Crazy People,
I find it amusing that people would protest a show “All-American Muslims” because it does not show the radical, fanatical, hate laced rhetoric that you want to teach or are teaching your children (Florida Family Assn.) Interesting, so let me get this straight……September 11, happened so all Muslims are vial corrupt heathens that want just to destroy people for the sake of being. This type of ignorance is what has got this country stuck in the wrong direction for decades, not just since that horrid event. It is convenient for people to lay blame on a few idiots than to accept that it is just that a few morons with their own personal agenda that has nothing to do with the whole. Well, then in that case let us use history to validate your position……not everyone on the planet practices Christianity, so centuries ago during the crusades; it was the belief that invading others countries and imposing your belief system on them by all means necessary was acceptable. Was that the Muslims, hmmmmmmm? Fast forward a few centuries, others found people living in a country that you felt didn’t meet your idea of people, enslaved, slaughtered, stole the right to be human from them, relocated them to an unknown country and used them to build a society that exist today, damn those Muslims again correct? Wait I know, it was the other time where some people moved your families to someone else’s country, stole their land, raped their women, and claimed that you discovered it in spite of the fact someone was always living there, I see where this is going, those damn Muslims are out of control. Some people tend to distort history to suit their agenda, not because others are ugly bad actors but because inside of themselves they see what they truly hate and despise and it scares them to correct it. Just food for thought when you start claiming how barbaric cultures are, or how brutal people are acting that you look in the mirror first about how have you treated your neighbors first. And if you say well all that happened in the past, 2001 isn’t yesterday either, neither is 1642, or 500 AD, but they have happened so don’t condemn the past unless you’re willing to condemn it all and accept what has happened completely not just portions that suit your propaganda driven agenda.
Be Cool
Have you lost yo mind! I mean, how is it that you can disrespect a man's ethnicity, when you know we have influenced nearly every facet of white America. From our music, our style of dress, not to mention your basic imitation of our sense of cool. Walk, talk, dress, mannerisms, we enrich your very existence. All the while contributing to gross national product through our achievements in corporate America. It's these conceits that comfort me when I am faced with the ignorant, cowardly, bitter and bigoted who have no talent, no guts.
I find humor in a lot I guess, most that know me would say that, at least recently since I wasn’t a good man before I met my ex-wife or after for that matter. If anything is gained from this life, I hope someone sees that you can change, I did, trust me it not as hard as it seems, but it takes work, constantly. I have lost my temper and gotten angry unfortunately, but I have learned to control it, my emotions, and my actions. I don’t want empathy or sympathy for what I’ve done or my fate, too many people blame others for what has happened and if that’s how they make it day to day then more power to you. But people have failed to realize that we all needed help at some time, and now more it’s more evident than before. I digress, politics are just silly at this point, everyone on one side is against their own welfare and better judgment and the other side shows no STONES TO LEAD, imagine that.
January 6, 2012
The indentation is for what was previous written and never posted now back to my train of thought. The Button, like my grandmother you’ve shown me un-conditional love, compassion, empathy, and the ability to see what is next in life and an indelible optimism, flawless too me and your counsel is invaluable to me always and forever. The Crude, what can I say, you probably never knew exactly what I was saying or calling you all these years, well that’s what I’ve been saying “Crude.” Not crew or whatever anyone else was thinking. You’ve been there since YOUR day one LOL, how amusing my sidekick, friend and at times the one that told me that was FUCKED up what you did. I’ve helped raise your children and made mistakes and you’ve shown me what a mother does in a corner for her children but forgiven me, well, I had not had boys at that time (no excuses :D). But you stayed strong when I was scared of bats at 9 till when I needed your help when I was 38, no words Crude, I really don’t know what to say about you honestly, I want to feel but I can’t express exactly what you mean and have meant too me. You’re doing to correct thing Crude, raising a family is hard with values and restriction on parents now concerning every decision is up to the child not the parent. KEEP UP WHAT YOU ARE DOING LITTLE SISTER, raise them right I’m so proud of you, STAY STRONG. Always have been. That’s it for now nothing more but I’ve bared my soul like in previous entries so I hope someone at least spreads the message that I am sending instead of reading and thinking how fucked up life must have been but more to that fact how, glorious it was as well. I’ve been places and done things most will never see or do except in dreams or nightmares. People I have met and those that have touched me are countless. There is good in everyone we just have to take the time to look, it’s not hard to see. Till next time “Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel.”
Song that makes me smile =) :-D
Lyrics to In The Event Of My Demise :
[Geronimo Ji Jaga]
In the event of my demise
when my heart can beat no more
I hope I die for a principle
Or a belief that I have lived for
I will die before my time
Because I feel the shadow's depth
So much I wanted to accomplish
Before I reached my death
I have to come to grips with the possibility
And wiped the last tear from my eyes
I loved all who were positive
In the event of my demise
[Young Noble]
In the event of my demise don't shed no tear
I'll share my wizdom with the world, they'll know I was here
Know I was clear, everything I said I meant
A outlaw, when I was born they prepared my ditch
Said I won't live long, statistic showed
I'm tryna past 24 realistic goal, listen all
You gotta stay cold inside
That's what I tell myself when I feel alone sometime
But I can't cry, I don't tear no more
I love god, from death I don't fear no more
A part taken in this movement to better my people
Though they see me on TV, I tell them we equal
Don't look at me as a stranger, I'm one of your own
We was raised in concrete and grew as a rose
Still I rise, but never get a chance to fly
Mama please don't cry
In the event of my demise
[Chorus: Young Noble]
In the event of my demise
can't breathe no more
hope I die for a principle
something I lived for
dying before my time
feel the shadows of depth
Trying to fulfill all my dreams before I reach my death
came to grips with the possibility
The world's killing me, and my soldiers die young with no sympathy
I wipe the last tear from my eyes
I loved all who stand strong
In the event of my demise
[Napoleon]
If I should die before I awake
let my family be straight of the money I make
Give my son, what he needs, other than his father
Is itself respect, better get his honor
with the law come to swallow my soul, it's so big
Cause the street took enough of my life, we all see
It's a cycle make you feel psycho
Everything struggles behind this man, see nobody love you
Got a piece of the streets and it's gonna die with me
may your, soul forgive me
Makaveli's within me
In principle we stand by stronger than power
We gon' die by the rules you can never devour
On the earth from my birth fell nothing but pain
only thing I ever gave was the baby the name
that's my heart, and if I should go I'll go on in sparks
that's the event of my demise, and it lurks in the dark
[Chorus]
Now as I stand here, a man here
Not a perfect one, but a searching one
Seek in another, blazing time
Sound crazy but I'm actually tryin to escape my mind
Tryna rise in time
but hoping that you didn't notice
When I was at my low as
So I knew they were watching, I couldn't stop it
So many things I wanted to accomplish
Too many dreams, wasted with no promise
From out the darkness I struggle to see the light
Rumble deep in the night
Hustlin with all of my might
Some won't see it that way
But us is given praise
But all of them will dream
That I did it my way
In the event of my demise
[E.D.I. Amin]
I was born to a storm that won't lead up
And I was raised to stay brave with my head up
But thing ain't got better
We still gettin wetter in this bad weather
I need more than a sweater and a leather
Yo, ain't nothin meant to last forever
So the struggling and the suffering ain't gon' last forever
And my will, probably be like two lines long
It will read I'm dead but my soul lives on
And my spirit still living though my body is gone
In the event of my demise I love all who stay strong
I love all who stay strong
In the event of my demise, com'on
[Geronimo Ji Jaga]
In the event of my demise
when my heart can beat no more
I hope I die for a principle
Or a belief that I have lived for
I will die before my time
Because I feel the shadow's depth
So much I wanted to accomplish
Before I reached my death
I have to come to grips with the possibility
And wiped the last tear from my eyes
I loved all who were positive
In the event of my demise
My Journal
May 26, 2006
I hate writing about myself because its a lot of things there i don't want to face. I smile a lot now and everyone around me takes that's as sign that im happy and I'm never happy. I don't know the meaning of the word, and in some way i feel i never will, just real speak. I watch all the lil gangstas and i try to smile but im more depressed than anything. Hollywood makes things seem so easy at times that's is sickening. They portray the life like its all money, cars and women. They never show that for that man to get there it took a lot of discipline, cant spend money on food or diapers cuz i have to re up. Baby momma still not having that. Lets start from my experience and go from there i can only speak on what i know and have experienced I didn't see luxury and glamor when i entered this. I was 8, and had the privilege of watching someone i cared about die in my arms. There was not fan fair or bling, just death. No respect only finality. When i entered, i knew what the price would be and i don't feel that kids know the full extent of what they are doing. This isn't In and Out Burger or marriage in the 21st where if is doesn't work just move on. Its TILL DEATH DO YOU PART. I have scars and the war wounds from this. I've died 3 times and more than i care for in 1 lifetime-the razor cut from my right breast to my stomach. I've watched a lot of people die, some friend, some foe, and some just because i felt it was necessary. Once you've watched or participated in someones death, life changes for you. So ï¿wanna b's say they can sleep at night. I cant. Some try to avoid it but still your in it Malcolm-9 shots point blank. The only answer is to avoid it at all cost. I cant change who i am but i can change how i deal with people now. Graduated (in prison), got my degree (in prison), and changed my life(in prison).........................they say only GOD can judge you. But what happening here and now when you have to judge yourself...........................................
My Journal APRIL 1, 2006
I do and i don't know why im writing right now. Its been awhile since ive had chance to think. Im on paper again, "smiles",watch where you go I guess. I tried to go see the movie THE CAVE in Sept of 05, and ended up in jail with a 2nd Degree Assault and a $50,000 dollar bond. I lost the trial, I think more on my past because there was no victim or evidence. So here we go again. After a short period of time locked up(mandatory), i was released on parole with classes and a PO. I dont kno how i truly feel about this treatment. It is what it is. Even if i was at home at the time of the incident, but with my background i would have suspected me as well. Oh well. I have another grandchild on the way, for those that are counting that makes 5. I guess my daughters are more like me then i am. I feel alot that i can disclose here, reasons already stated. I feel alone a lot, even though alot of people(women) feel they want to know me or feel they do know me. No One truly knows me but me. Im always left with the ?. The Lord Forgives, Forgiveness is Divine. How do you truly forgive yourself? Is it possible, i havent found away yet. I can live with what ive done but not forgive myself. I see alot of me in my boyz and girlz, and that hurts. The capacity not to forgive or show compassion. I was trained to do what i do and ive passed it on to a new generation. That scares me more than i scare myself at times. No one will ever be able to answer the ? but me when that time comes. A day i look forward too. Till then SEMPER FIDELIS
Feb 25th, 2024 is the worst experience now.
I was once asked what the worst experience in my life was.
My worst experience, depends on how you look at life and whos looking as well. Ive had a lot of bad experience, from child abuse in tha beginning to getting shot to gettin married and none of it sets itself apart as the worst experience, because to hold that place would mean that I actually focus on it to a point where if i could change it I would and there is nothing in my life i would change. We could say that from 6-15yrs of age was hell living wit an abusive alcoholic stepfather that felt like if he missed 1 day of putting his hands on me and me siblings, it was a sin against GOD, is bad, your choice, Watching my grandmother die in her bedroom when I was 7 wasnt pleasant either. Or u you could say watching someone I cared for taken away from this world when I was 8 by a drive by is up there, but that wasnt the first or tha last person I'd loose to these streets. You could say getting shot multiply times was fucked up but only when u see i had just bought 2 of those outfits. Prison was a blessing . Dying was an eye opener but the only bad part was they brought me bacc. The only thing that defines the good from tha bad is perception, I have my kids so the worst has yet to come. My life is tame compared to what they now face...............
My Journal December 26, 2005
Well we've come to the end of the year and this being the final look back at 05 gives me some pause and also some smiles. I've kept in touch with a lot of friends that have been with me through thick and thin. We'll start with old skool first, Mary-whos guidance and words are always a blessing even if i dont listen, Kelley-whos road with me from day one on the net and continues to watch out for me, Kris-even though things change she remains a front runner, Teena-spoiled brat but new grandmother-your joy is shared by all, Suzie even though we dont talk that much anymore your still ridin from over seas be safe always and i hope you have a horse broken in for me when i come to Hornsby :P so we can race, Keri-tha lil one from shawty to now you remain the same, very consistent, and always there looking out, Bree-we've had our share of drama together but your loyalty is something that ill never understand but will always appreciate 1 love. Now the new family, I've met alot of people that have made an impression on me this year but im not that easy to deal with so only 1 this year makes the grade, Jennie-my Angel when god made you he had me in mind, Vikings/Husker fan where does that combo come from. So far this year Ive been betrayed, jailed, plagued by helping people. This changes nothing for the New Year or any year to come, i will still continue, but i will say this to those out there that dont have the same mentality as me or attitude. Dont allow someone in if you cant handle the results and
still smile in the end. Its time to sign off for this you its only the 26th, but as it was has been written:
I HAVE THINGS TO DO AND PROMISES TO KEEP-AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP.
My Journal February 05, 2005 I first want to start out by saying thanks for stopping by and I hope you take something away that will help you or someone you know from this page. This will be short and sweet, I have lived a life most people can't understand or choose not too even see. And through this life there are certain things that I can and cannot live with. Since I have never posted my 3 big Rules to getting along with me on this page I will today. Rules. 1. Don't try to out Pimp, the Pimp. 2. Don't try to out Fox, the Fox and lastly 3. Don't try to out Bullshit, the Bullshitter. As long as you live by those we will get along. Let me put it in generic terminology, I HATE BEING LIED TOO, PERIOD. Cut and dry, half truths, omitted items, hidden agendas are all lying, that is the one thing I personally find unforgivable. With that being said, enjoy the page, I'll update it again, soon. I'll be adding new pics soon, and trying to make time to go to the Canary Islands this spring so till we talk again, Be Safe and Enjoy. My Journal June 14, 2004 I dont like to weigh in on alot of things but at tymes we all need to release, the closer we get to Juneteenth, the closer i get to confronting my past and future in 1 wknd. Being a preachers son i know the bible, and being a fallen preachers son i know the darkness that comes with knowledge. I think at tymes how lucky i am and how unlucky. I know what fear is, to be scared and to be FEARED. Never is there a more an isolating feeling than being feared, and never is there a feeling that can isolate more you than fear. Seeing what ive seen, i have a hard tyme feeling Fear, and being what i was, i have a hard tyme escaping it as well. Nothing feels worse than than the thought that people fear you, family and friends. I've fought hard to survive and to have this reputation, and now can't escape it. But at tymes death seems more welcome. Too join my friends i've long since buried, my family, my grandmother always calls. But in reality i know that the only way i can make a difference is to show people im not the individual that they have know over the span of 3 decades. Only i can stay true to me, and they're memories
I never thought about ever writing a journal but as i sit here i have alot to say not only to myself but to my kids should i never be able to say it in words or voice. Im 30 now and i've been alot of things im not proud of: a soldier(gangmember), a dope dealer, an assailant, a traveler(for tha wrong reasons at tymes), and things that the statute hasnt run out on yet. I dont know if the past will ever catch up with me but i do feel its breath at tymes, and can hear my number getting called. I can understand English, Spanish, French, Russian, and Swedish and speak only 2 fluently. I have an I Q above 140 yet have done nothing to compliment it. I've ruined lives more than i've helped them, i've taken pleasure in the pain of others as well as defended the weak or oppressed. I cant say that i've changed much in the 30 yrs that god has allowed me to befoul this planet with wickedness, but i have noticed a difference over the last few yrs. I was without a father from birth till i was 23, and even now i have no contact with him. So in short i dont know how to be a father or even a dad or husband. But i try. I now realize that only life really matters to me. They will have a harder life than i did, with 2 cultures trying to say how they should be rather than letting them decide and not judging them. All i hope is that the example i set today, i'm their guideline, that they will do what they feels in they're hearts is right at all tymes. And someday raise my grandkids, the same way, with out interference from anyone and without corruption by someone that says they love them. To all of you, believe this to be true, you are THA LAST DONS. This i leave to my 1 TRU HEARTS. DONT MAKE THA SAME MISTAKES. My Kids.
For tha ones serving life or close, Robert Penn(most feared forever loved off 45th Loc(Dog)), Big Dump, Juvencia, AP, My Lil Cuz Tre, O, Charlie Brown, this aint about colors.
For tha ones that have passed: OG SKool Boy, Kaos, LG, Big Gangsta, Lil Gangsta, Peanut, Lil SKool Boy,Trey-Way(Lil Dave), and those of 9/11, 1 luv always
TOO MANY TO NAME BUT WE THINKIN (B)kout u always, and 2 those i missed i'll CEE CaCC.
@@@~}~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ill see u at that crossroads
Grandma-MOM-God help me, I'll see you, thanx for raisin me 2 Ce tha man i am. NEVER JUDGE, LEST U CE JUDGE.
LET HE WHO HAS NOT SINNED CAST THA FIRST STONE.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS, WITHOUT CONDITI0NS, WITHOUT REGRET, LIKE YOU LOVED ME
