IHateRachaelRay.com

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Why?

So, you've decided to enter the twisted realm of IHateRachaelRay.com, and now you're wondering why.  Well, there are a host of reasons really, and this page does not claim to even scratch the surface of that Pandora's Box.  Nevertheless, you are entitled to a chance at understanding the hatred so very many have for a seemingly simple-minded television cooking host.  So, without further ado, here is the big secret...the big secret no one wants to tell you-

    Rachael Ray is a communist spy who has infiltrated our country and the kitchens of millions of civilians in an effort to relay confidential intelligence to the dead, former leaders of the United Soviet Socialist Republic (USSR).  These leaders lie in suspended animation via liquid nitrogen waiting for the right time to rise again and crush the democracy we hold so dear. 

    They are all there: Lenin, Stalin, Kruschev, Gorbachev.  What is that you say?  Gorbachev isn't dead?  That's exactly what those pinko bastards would have you believe.  However, I portend he was executed by a CIA operative posing as a rodeo clown before the fall of the Iron Curtain.  Knowing their precious republic was teetering ever close to the edge of extinction, Russki officials covered up the assassination and placed a puppet double in office.  Why do I believe this?  Simply look at pictures of Gorbie before and after November 18, 1988.  His mysterious birthmark atop his bulbous head used to look like Alaska, yet now looks like British Columbia.  Coincidence?  I think not. 

However, I digress.  This is not a tutorial on present-day Soviet plots of subversion, no.  This is a website dedicated to Rachael Ray, and exposing her for the devious fraud she is. 

Who is Rachael Ray?

    Besides her activities regarding espionage, Rachael Ray is a television host, author, and self-proclaimed "Sicilian."  Personally, I think she is just an idiot.  Her biography can be found on the Food Network's website, and I must say she puts up a good front.  How could anyone suspect her of wrongdoing?  She is just an innocent, kindergarten teacher who happened to hit the big time with a novel idea of easy cooking.  Yeah, and Bobby Trendy is straight.

    I have already explained in partial detail who she is on a surface level, but her real story is surpassed in depth only by her lies.  You may have already guessed at my belief that Ms. Ray is somehow in league with the devil, aka the Great Deceiver.  Why, you ask?  Simply watch her series "30-Minute Meals" on the Food Network.                  

The premise of the show is that she makes all of her meals in under 30 minutes.  Is she out of her mind?  Has she lost her gourd?  No, she is aided by the fallen angel, Lucifer.  She plants the seed of doubt concerning the viewer's own intelligence and aptitude when they cannot also make their meals in under 30 minutes.  She has gained some support, mostly by females in the 24-46 year old demographic with low IQ's.  Simply look at this page about Rachael Ray's first book (30 Minute Meals).  The reviewer has obviously been tricked by Ms. Ray's zealous style, and wild hand gestures...hmm, remind you of anyone else we know?  Oh yeah, Hitler.  Now I have no conclusive evidence about Hitler's involvement with Rachael Ray, but she is Sicilian, holds loyal ties to Mussolini, and I believe Hitler is also in suspended animation in the secret Russian laboratory. 

By now you know who Rachael Ray is, and you have also discovered her terrible secret.  What should be done with this information?  Should we sit idly by while she continues to poison the minds of her viewers with made-up words like "glug?"  I say nay!  Her reign of terror on one of the nation's most beloved networks must come to an end!