TOW Monica Has Issues *UPDATE #2*
TOW Monica Has Issues
Scene: Chandler and Monica are sitting at the table in their apartment. Chandler is reading the, of course comics section of the newspaper, while Monica fumbles throw adoption information. Chandler finally breaks the silence with an unusual line.
Chandler: So what do you think about this whole presidential thing? I think it’s completely overrated.
Monica flashes chandler a weird and disturbed look.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Ya know the whole democracy thing.
Once again Monica looks strangely at Chandler.
Monica: Honestly where do you come up with this stuff?
Chandler: Hard to say, but probably from my overwhelming exotic childhood.
Monica: Really…?
Chandler: Yeah, between wetting the bed, parents getting divorced, and my oh so enchanting father announcing he’s gay…yeah It’ll do that to ya.
Monica: So in other words it’s like a sickness in a way, ya know kind of like a disability that is passed down from generation to generation…maybe like ramblitis.
Chandler shoots Monica a somewhat bewildered look.
Chandler: Ramblitis…?
Mocking him, Monica returns the disconcerted look.
Monica: Yes, if you haven’t noticed…you talk way too much, well I shouldn’t say you talk too much, you just don’t know when to shut up…then when you do actually shut up you do that ridiculous dance afterwards…I love you!
Chandler still hung up on what she said before; not even noticing the Monica just completely humiliated him, answers.
Chandler: Ramblitis…is that even a word?!
Monica: Forget it!
Phoebe, Ross, and Joey are at Central Perk.
Phoebe: Oh hey, you know what I just found out today?
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Joey…?
Joey: Yeah?
Phoebe: Okay, come here.
Ross and Joey both get up from their positions on the couch.
Phoebe: Joey…I was talking to Joey.
Ross: Oh…why not me?
Phoebe: Um, I don’t know, but probably because what I’m about to say somewhat involves you, so yeah that’s probably why.
Ross sits back on the couch.
Ross: Oh…well is it bad?
Phoebe: Depends…do you mean like dirty bad or just like regular bad?
Ross: …regular bad?
Phoebe: No.
Ross: …dirty bad?
Phoebe: No.
Ross: Okay, so that got me absolutely nowhere.
Phoebe Begins whispering to Joey. Meanwhile Ross pretends to read the paper, but is actually trying to horn in on what’s being said.
Joey: (listening to Phoebe): Really…?
Phoebe: Uh huh.
Joey: Nah, I don’t think so.
At hearing this, Ross acts interested in what’s being said again.
Ross: Wh-what?
Phoebe: Shhh…gel boy, this is an A and B conversation C your way out of it!
Ross: What?
Joey: Yeah…what?
Phoebe: Isn’t it C? Oh wait…I’m sorry…
There is a somewhat relieved look on Ross and Joey’s faces.
Phoebe: P your way out of it! Wow, I can’t believe I almost messed that one up again!
Ross and Joey just look at each other, and can’t help but laugh.
Scene: Back at Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting in the living room talking. Monica is sitting on Chandler’s lap stroking his hair.
Rachel: Monica! Please, you’ve got to help me!
Monica: Rach, I told you, I’m not going on a double date with you…if you’ve forgotten I’m married.
Rachel: Come on…are you really happy? I mean come on…it’s Chandler! And it’s really not even a double date anyway; I just need you to come with me!
Chandler is shocked that Rachel could even ask Monica such a question.
Chandler: Hey! You know you came on to me one time!
Monica and Rachel are surprised at Chandler’s reaction, and look at him with an astonished tone.
Monica & Rachel: What?!
Rachel: Excuse me…there was no time!
Monica: Yeah, Chandler…wait have you been taking too many bubble baths lately…I told you to cut back on them, they make you all…
Chandler: Think before you end that sentence.
Monica refrains from saying anything further.
Chandler: And by the way no I haven’t been taking too many baths, but we are all out of honey bubbles and last time I wanted to take one we didn’t have any, and I was very disappointed!
Monica and Rachel look at Chandler weirdly and then somewhat chuckle.
Monica: When was this?
Chandler: (hesitates): Maybe a week ago.
Rachel: Really…?
Chandler: No, twenty minutes ago.
Rachel: See Monica he’s so…
Chandler: Charming…sweet…handsome…
Rachel: Girly.
Chandler: What?
Rachel: And feminine.
Monica: Well that’s one of the nicer ways of putting it.
Chandler: It’s always nice to have the loving support of your wife.
Monica: I’m glad you see it my way.
Rachel: Isn’t that cute. Okay, so we’re going?
Monica smiles and Chandler gets up and walks into the kitchen.
Monica: Rach, what exactly is this for anyway?
Rachel: It’s a work party my boss is having and I have to be there. Political reasons.
Monica: Do you even know what political reasons are?
Rachel: No idea. But you have to come, and you can meet my boss too.
Monica: Really? Ralph Lauren is going to be there?
Rachel shoots Monica a “yeah right” type of look, then continues with her discussion.
Rachel: Yeah, if I was actually going to a party Ralph Lauren held himself, I would be rich by now…do ya see money falling out of my pockets?
Monica: No, and that’s true…all right as long as Chandler doesn’t mind.
Chandler walks back into the living room and nonchalantly sits down on the couch.
Monica: Do you mind if I go? I don’t want to leave you by yourself.
Chandler: Oh no, go ahead, I was going to hang out with the chick and the duck anyway and hold a courtroom drama session of Judge Judy, except that the duck called the roll of Judge Judy first so I’m stuck as the defendant.
Rachel just sits there looking at Chandler…up and down.
Rachel: Yeah I still don’t see it.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Why you married him.
Monica: Sometimes I wonder myself…I love you honey. I’ll be back later.
Monica runs over to Chandler and gives him a quick goodbye peck and then floods out the door with Rachel in front of her.
Scene: Phoebe, Joey, and Ross walk into Joey’s apartment. Ross is still angry at the fact that Phoebe wouldn’t tell him what she told Joey, and it’s obvious by the look on Ross’ face that he isn’t happy. Sill unhappy, Ross manages to fork out a smile before confronting Phoebe about it again.
Ross: So, Phoebe what were you guys talking about back there. (Referring to the coffee house)
Phoebe: Oh, about Joey’s wedgie?
Joey starts laughing…Ross and Phoebe turn to look at him and can’t figure out why until Phoebe gets curious and asks.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: You said wedgie.
He chuckles again.
Ross: Joey seriously. Come on Phoebe…at the coffeehouse, you and Joey were talking, remember?
Phoebe begins patting her index finger against her chin while she ponders if she should tell Ross what she and Joey were discussing back at the coffeehouse. Then out of nowhere sticks up her arm straight in the air like she had just made an important discovery.
Phoebe: Oh…
Ross has a relieved but excited expression displayed on his face.
Phoebe: About Joey’s wedgie!
Joey chuckles yet again.
Ross: Seriously Joe! Phoebe come on!
Phoebe acts as though she’s defeated, and gives into Ross’ plea.
Phoebe: Fine, fine! It was about you and…Carol.
Ross is surprised yet rectified at Phoebe’s remarks.
Ross: What about me…and Carol?
Phoebe: Oh my gosh, it must have slipped my mind I don’t remember.
Ross: Phoebe!
Phoebe looks as though she’s been defeated…again, and engages in the conversation yet again, much to her dismay.
Phoebe: Fine! Fine! I was telling Joey about the night of five times. There! There…I said it!
Ross: The night of five times! Who told you?!
Phoebe: Uhhh…Rrrrachel. Why, are you mad?
Phoebe looks at Ross in disbelief.
Ross: Are you kidding! That story is totally worth mentioning!
Phoebe: Yeah, okay Ross.
Ross: Wh-what? You don’t believe me?
Phoebe: Nn-not me.
She then tries to hide pointing to Joey, who is too busy trying to balance a spoon on his nose, then consequently peers over at Ross.
Ross: Joey!
Joey: What! Ross I’m sorry, but you with the same woman five times…
He starts to laugh. Soon Phoebe joins in, making Ross furious.
Ross: Is it really that hard to believe?
Phoebe: No we were just surprised that you didn’t divorce her in the middle of it.
Ross is then pushed over the edge with that comment, digging his fingernails into the arm on the coach. Absentmindedly he delivers them both an enraged gape on his face.
Ross: Well at least I didn’t do it with somebody behind a Taco Bell, or get married to a gay ice dancer!
Joey: Um, that was Chandler, and you married a lesbian…so…
Joey and Phoebe both see the anger on Ross’ face.
Phoebe & Joey: Yeah so we’re going to get going.
They both run out the door.
Scene: Rachel and Monica are at the party. Monica is overwhelmingly drunk, and it’s obvious by her blunder movements and somewhat slurred speech.
Monica: Oh my god! This is seriously like the cleanest party I’ve ever been to, and it’s got so many hot guys! My two number ones, cleanliness and hot guys! Wait…do I even like things clean? I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly messy person.
Rachel: Oh dear lord! Monica! Married, you’re married, red light flashing, and alarm going off!
Monica starts to wander off towards a guy, but not before fumbling her first few steps causing Rachel to tag close along side of her.
Monica: Hey good looking.
Monica continues sauntering her way towards this guy blowing him a kiss along they way, trying her hardest to look enticing.
Guy: Hey…
Rachel turns around and sees Monica with the guy and yanks her away.
Rachel: Mon, you can look…but DON’T TOUCH!
Monica: But I wanna…wanna do that…right there. (Points to the guy)
Rachel: Yeah I think it was official when you stuffed a plate of shrimp in your bra.
Monica: What?
Rachel: You’re drunk.
Monica: Nooo.
Rachel: Monica…
Monica: Oh okay, maybe one or two…
Rachel: …ten or eleven.
Monica: Well, if you want to get technical…I think it’s around twenty-one.
Rachel: My god Monica!
Monica: Whoa! Who’s that 10 on a scale of 5, over there?
Monica starts to walk over to this guy she spots and yet again stumbles because of her intoxication. Rachel once again is with her stride for stride.
Rachel: Oh you like him do ya?
Monica: Oh yeah, but he looks kind of familiar.
Rachel: Good, because that’s your husband…Chandler.
Chandler walks into the party room and gazes the room from side to side, amazed at all of the people there.
Monica suddenly stops dead in her tracks and almost loses her balance falling over. But she catches herself in an attempt not to make a scene.
Monica: Chandler!…Wait a minute, who’s Chandler? And when did I get a husband?
Chandler looks around at the call of his name.
Rachel then ducks Monica and herself behind a table. And proceeding to talk to Monica in a whisper.
Rachel: Shhh! And yes, you are married.
Monica: Oh yeah. But no, Chandler can’t see me drunk, it’s like that one time when my parents weren’t suppose to see me drunk…and they did.
Rachel: What?
Monica: You were there!
Rachel: No, no I wasn’t.
Monica: Yes, yes you were.
Rachel: Are you mocking me?
Monica: I’m drunk, or so you say…what do you expect me to do?
Rachel: Good point. So when was this?
Monica: Remember my fortieth birthday party I went out and got drunk, I don’t think as bad as I did tonight though. Anyway and I got drunk because I was so depressed about turning forty.
Rachel: Mon, you’re only thirty-four, you’re thinking of your thirtieth…well maybe. But yeah, that was the night that you tried to bite me.
Somewhat surprised at her actions Monica listened to Rachel’s explanation intently.
Monica: I did?
Rachel: Yeah it was when Chandler asked me to help you get ready for your party. Well, you put up a fight and when I tried to spray some perfume on you, you first acted like you were trying to eat it, then you tried to bite my finger because you didn’t like how it tasted.
Monica: Yep that sounds like good old drunk me…onica. But Chaz still can’t see me drunk.
Rachel: It’s Chandler…and haven’t you ever been drunk with him before?
Monica: No, it’s Chaz.
Rachel: Chandler, Mon! Chandler!
Monica: Oh, I like that…Chandlermon, it’s got a nice ring to it!
Rachel lets her head fall into her hands trying to regain some sanity so she can make it through the rest of the night, or rather perhaps get Monica through it.
Rachel: Oh boy.
Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey has just walked in the door and is ready for a good meal.
Joey: It’s time for some good eatin’! Meatball sandwich, watch out because here comes your worst enemy, my stomach.
Joey proceeds to open up his 1950’s style refrigerator in anticipation of eating his always-favorite meal, well next to every other piece of food. He flings the door open and starts shuffling through the enormous amount of food his refrigerator contains.
Joey: No…no…wait…
He starts throwing things out of the fridge in an attempt to find his meatball sandwich, but has no such luck.
Joey: Oh! I found it…nope wait…no that’s just some moldy cheese. Jeez Rachel should really clean this thing out once in awhile.
He then begins rapidly throwing food out, left and right as his anger starts to build up to an even higher level.
Joey: (Screaming): It’s gotta be in here somewhere! I won’t be able to live without my meatball sandwich…and I DON’T WANNA DIE!
He continues pitching food out of the refrigerator as Ross walks in the door and is graciously greeted by a piece of flying salami that smacks him square in the face.
Ross: (Still with salami on his face): Nice to see you too Joe, oh, but wait I can’t because salami Joe is stuck to my face!
While listening to Ross, Joey is still rustling through his refrigerator when he answers Ross.
Joey: Oh good, you found salami Joe. I’ve been looking for him for over three months!
After hearing that Ross is utterly disgusted and immediately picks the salami off of his face and slams it onto the floor. Joey then turns around angry.
Joey: What do you think you’re doin’? Salami Joe has feelings too, and for all you know all of his flavor bonds could be broken!
Ross is surprised at Joey’s reaction, but becomes sympathetic seeing that Joey is obviously upset about something else. He then goes on to question him about it.
Ross: Joe, is there something wrong, you seem a little upset?
Joey begins to get teary-eyed and then subsequently plops down in his black, leather recliner facing Ross. The fridge is still wide open with out dated food scattered all around the apartment. Ross then becomes even more sympathetic.
Joey: (Teary): Somebody…(pauses)
Ross: It’s okay Joe, just tell me.
Joey: Somebody…(pauses again)
Ross: Come on Joe, just let it out.
Joey: (Sobbing): Somebody stole my meatball sandwich!
Joey then breaks out in tears while Ross is trying to hide a smile and seal his laughter.
Ross: (Trying to hold back laughing): Wow…uh Joe…I’m really sorry. Meatball sandwiches are so irreplaceable.
Joey: (Still sobbing): I know!
Ross: Well, I…uh have to go…Ben needs me…uh…um…bye.
Joey: …bye.
Ross then exits the apartment leaving Joey alone, still crying his eyes out until out of nowhere Joey hears an eruption of laughter just outside of his apartment door. He forces himself to get up and check. Slowly he makes his way to the door and opens it even slower, revealing Ross in a surprising position. He is hunched over, with watery eyes that were obtained from laughing so hard.
Joey: Ross…what’s so funny?
All of a sudden Joey gets a death-defying look on his face.
Joey: Are you laughing at my food crisis, because if you are I swear I’ll hit you where the sun don’t shine and then again where it does shine!
After hearing this Ross is abruptly very serious and very horrified. He then starts to slide his feet across the floor towards the stairs in an attempt to get away without getting the crap beat out of him by Joey.
Ross: …no…
Ross then takes off for his life down the stairs with Joey hot on his heels in pursuit.
Joey: Nobody makes fun of me Geller!
Scene: Back at the party. Rachel is still reluctantly trying to contain Monica and her intoxication as they both try to sneak out of the party without being noticed by a bewildered Chandler.
Chandler gazed around the room, his eyes desperately searching for his wife. He wasn’t quite sure why he had decided to come; but then again he had a reason. An offer they had made on a house had been accepted and he couldn’t wait to tell Monica.
Meanwhile Rachel was looking around the room for the quickest way to exit the building, while Monica, intoxicated and all, tried to hide herself among a rack of coats. Rachel then turned around astonished that Monica was nowhere to be seen. Quietly, Rachel spoke.
Rachel: Psst…Monica?
In the faint distance she heard a quite “Shh.” Rachel then turned furiously in circles letting her eyes race across the room, still searching for a very drunk and vulnerable Monica.
Rachel: Monica…? Come on, this is far from funny!
Again she heard a faint voice.
Monica: Shh…!
After quietly shushing Rachel, Monica let out a rather loud and obtrusive belch.
Monica: Woah, better cut down on the cocktail sauce.
After hearing that line, Rachel realized Monica had been behind her, hidden among the coats. Then Rachel proceeded to stick her head in between the coats revealing to her eyes a laughing Monica. Following the sticking in of her head, Rachel before long smelt the repulsive scent of Monica’s “cocktail burp.”
Rachel: Monica wha…(suddenly smells the burp)…did someone die in here?
Monica: Not sure, but you never know.
At that point Rachel fully looked at Monica seeing that she had playfully wrapped a scarf around her head and had placed a pair of black gloves over her slightly small ears.
Rachel: Monica, I don’t mean to be irrational here, but…what the hell are you wearing?
At that point Monica became giddy and eager and shortly began singing and dancing. Not to mention while dancing practically sticking her butt in Rachel’s face leaving her very displeased and disgusted.
Monica: Isn’t this awesome! I was going for a Wilma look.
Rachel: The Flintstones?
Monica: No…although she was pretty cool…
Rachel: Who then, Mon?
Monica: Wilma…um…Wilma Green.
Rachel: Wilma…what…who is that?
Monica: Your grandma!
Rachel: That’s not my grandma!
Monica: Oh…well then it’s somebody’s grandma!
Totally overwhelmed with Monica’s behavior Rachel absentmindedly collapsed into a chair, trying to figure out where to go from now. She vigorously weighed her options. Create a diversion and push a drunken woman out the door not knowing what will happen to her, or make a drunken woman create a diversion and she could get herself out before everything went to hell. But she thought to herself, everything has already gone to hell. However, she respected Monica’s wish of not wanting Chandler to see her drunk, so she impatiently continued wavering through her options.
Rachel: Mon, how about we get out of here, I think you’ve had enough fun tonight.
Monica: Are you kidding, this party’s just getting started!
Out of nowhere Monica hops up onto a table and starts dancing around, leaving Rachel speechless. After a few seconds of dancing the heel of Monica’s shoe breaks sending her flying off of the table into the arms of an unaware Rachel. They smack together and fall onto the tiled floor. Neither one can find the will power to get up.
Rachel: Mon, all I gotta say is thank God you don’t weigh what you used to, because if that was the case I’d be dead.
Monica: You’d be dead and I’d be severely injured…so we’re even.
Rachel: Not really, I’d be lying in a coffin, buried twenty feet into the earth, while you’re sitting in the hospital eating a box of Krispy Kreams!
Monica: I see your point.
Meanwhile after seeing all of the people crowd around, Chandler starts to make his way over to see what all of the commotion is about. Not knowing that his wife had just squashed her best friend.
Before long Rachel finally built up the strength to turn her head to the side revealing Chandler heading towards them. Rachel quickly pushed herself back on her feet, pulling a helpless Monica with her.
Rachel: Mon…hurry Chandler’s on his way over we gotta get out of here!
Monica: Oh, right! Let’s go.
Rachel then handed a five-dollar bill to guy on her way out.
Rachel: Here’s five bucks create some kind of diversion.
Guy: Wha-where, for what?
Guy #2: Dude, you just got five bucks from a hot chick, do what she said!
The guy the proceeds to get up on the table and dance and scream, which of course attracted Chandler’s attention, allowing Monica and Rachel the chance to slip out of the party unnoticed by him.
