PLAYERS AGREE TO RANDON TESTING

As part of ongoing labour negotiations with owners, the Players’ Union has agreed to allow random testing of its members.

The union still refuses to allow players to be tested for performance enhancers or illegal steroids, but under the agreement, players will be subjected to any number of other randomly-chosen tests.

“It’s all in the wording,” said union chief/Sopranos fan Don Fehr. “Selig just asked us to agree to random testing, so we did. He didn’t specify what kind of ‘random testing’, though, so we’ve been able to avoid the whole drug issue and still come out smelling like roses. I tell you, Selig is about as sharp as a jellyfish.”
Fehr glances around before stealing Selig's watch

League-wide testing has already begun, and many players have found the tests to be helpful and informative.

“At first, I was opposed to the testing,” said Fairview outfielder Jonathan Peluso. “Then I got my results back and found out I wasn’t pregnant, so I guess it worked out okay.”

“I had a biopsy done, and it showed that my hamstrings are made of cheese,” said Falcons infielder Danish . “They also did a psychological evaluation and found out I’ve got a mild bipolar disorder. Now I know why I’m crying on the inside.”

“My vocational aptitude test said I should be either a rodeo clown or something called a ‘fluffer’,” said Falcons second baseman Vartan. “I don’t like horses, but I’m looking forward to finding out what that other thing is.”

However, other players are not as enthusiastic.

“Testing is a violation of my right to privacy,” said short-stop Madhan Bala. “They made me take the friggin’ SAT. Now all my teammates know that I can barely read and have trouble with numbers larger than 18. I’m so ashamed...”

“I just got my DNA test results back and found out I’m John Rocker’s long-lost half-brother,” said outfielder Jeremy Tan. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shoot myself in the face.”

“My cholesterol tested at 642, so my doctor put me on some stupid diet,” said professional bench-warmer Arbi Yousefi.. “How the f*ck am I supposed to maintain body mass on only three horses a day?”

Danny was busy injecting Creatine into his eyeballs and was unavailable for comment.