
There are essentially three unwritten rules that you must remember if you want to succeed in the EFL game. Succeed, such as success is possible within the world of EFL, which is to say not much.
UNWRITTEN RULE NUMBER ONE: SHOW UP FOR CLASS
Basically, you can shamble into class drunk as a skunk, stinking of vomit, totally unprepared, limping and leaving a trail of pee. But you must show up.
That’s your job, man.
You don’t show up, the students bitch, of course. But you also inflame the wrath of your fellow teachers, one of whom will, if possible, be Shang-Haied into filling in your class. No teacher hates ANYTHING worse. If it’s not possible to find a free sub, the school will probably do something incredibly lame like sticking the teacherless class in with another class.
Or worse yet, an ADOS might have to do it, which will definitely get the fucker hating you.
Pure chaos.
All because of your dumb ass.
UNWRITTEN RULE NUMBER TWO: THE STUDENT IS ALWAYS RIGHT
So, the student should be in Level One, but is now entering your Level Six class? Failed every single test she’s ever taken? Can’t speak a damn word of English? Well, of course you’ve got the authority to send her back to Level One, right?
Bullshit.
That student isn’t going anywhere. Because she has explained to the manager of the school, or whoever signs up students, “If I can’t go on to the next level, I’ll just go down the street to Global Village Language School and I’m sure THEY’LL let me stay in Level Six.”
You will see this again and again.
Tests pretty much mean nothing. If you fail a bunch of students, the boss will pretty much just think you must really suck in class. Nobody will get held back because of them.
Also, the parents of the student are always right.
“My little Tongchai may have scored three percent on the placement test, but he’s studied in England for a whole two weeks and with a private tutor for five years. We’ll just put him in level five, all right? And I’m sure if you won’t, I’ll just go down the street to Pan National Language School and I’m sure THEY’LL let him stay in Level Five.”
So don’t fight it.
UNWRITTEN RULE NUMBER THREE: YOUR JOB IS TO MAKE THE STUDENTS HAPPY
Just a corollary of the first two rules, really.
Essentially, as long as the students keep signing up, nobody really cares if you teach them anything. In fact, trying to teach them English is often a good way to piss students off.
Students need desperately to practice writing? Well, you just try making them do that if they don’t happen to feel like it. You will definitely get a little talking-to from the boss, who will perhaps hem and haw about how it should be assigned for homework so as to concentrate on communicative activities in class. Of course it won’t get done, don’t be stupid.
Students desperately need grammar and vocabulary and reading? Well, that’s just dandy. Don’t try to spend too much time on it though, unless the students happen to want to. Otherwise you’ll be trying to explain to the boss why students say your lessons are “boring” and “too serious”.
Students can’t speak but want only to listen to pop songs? You better fucking do it. Students want you to stand there and tell funny stories while sitting chattering away in their native language? Hey, pal, we got a business to run. No funny stories? Well, what the hell are you a teacher for, dickhead?
Oh, there might well be the occasional student who is studying because they actually need it, like maybe to speak to their English boyfriend on the Internet, but most of them will be there because they’ve been forced to study by their parents or their bosses. So don’t start thinking you’re some kind of hotshot, eh?
Now I can here all those CELTA-waving types saying, “But you can entertain and educate at the same time!” Of course you can. But being entertaining is not 100 percent of it, because you might get the occasional class of grouches who want to be taught in some boring and pedantic traditional manner. And you might have to teach some kind of class preparing for an International English examination like the TOEFL or the CAE or something – in which case you probably would have to teach them enough to pass the exam. In either case, you JUST HAVE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. Don’t try arguing with your boss about methodology if an entire class is ready to quit. JUST DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.
Talk about your learner-centered activities.
Finding out what the students want to do is harder than actually doing it, of course. So good fucking luck.
Hmm, perhaps that’s why the term “facilitator” is sometimes preferred to “teacher”, eh?