TEEchUR TIPz
DEALING WITH ASSHOLES
Know your enemy.
Who are you students? Most likely they are university students or young professionals. More than likely they already have lots of money, or their parents or husbands do, despite their conviction that English is the only way to the good life. (They conveniently ignore the dichotomy that shabbily-dressed, hungover you are the ambassador of and gatekeeper to this good life).
Now certainly most students will be nothing but polite and cooperative to you. To your face, anyway. They’ll be happy to curse your every move to your manager, of course -- but never mind that for now. We’re dealing with the in-class troublemaker today.
Who are the assholes, and how do you spot them?
They come in many forms. A quick guide follows:
The Princess – this daughter, or perhaps wife, of the wealthy will always be wearing expensive clothes and drive to school in her Mercedes or BMW. Her hair will be some impossible, expensive color. She will talk on her mobile telephone constantly, and when not giggling with her friends, be constantly offering a commentary on your actions in her native language to the rest of the class.
The Swot– This one is harder to quantify, as it may be male or female. But it will generally be of a nerdish, bookish demeanor, and probably be wearing glasses. Has probably been studying English since birth, and will own an impressive quantity of English language grammar references, many of valuable antiquity, with which it will challenge every utterance you make regarding rules of grammar. Will pester you before, during and after class with off-topic questions about grammatical forms common during Shakespeare’s day and linguistic and phonetic issues you haven’t the faintest idea about.
Mr. Cool – A handsome and athletic young male, this fellow is being forced to study by his parents (or, just maybe, his boss) and hates you and everything about you, as well as your language and your country. He often, however, speaks English quite well, as his parents have probably forced him to study abroad every summer of his life. He will constantly snigger with his chums and constantly tell you everything in the class is “boring” and constantly ask to change the topic or do something different because this activity is “not interesting.”
The English Teacher – Usually an unattractive women in her 30’s, probably unmarried, she teaches English at a university, and has for many years. She has however, recently had to come to terms with the fact that she speaks English not at all, despite perhaps being able to write it well and explain all the grammar rules. She will constantly try to discuss English grammar with you in her native language and show you locally-produced grammar books from 1947 that insist that much of what you say is incorrect. She will criticize any activity that involves speaking, imagination or enjoyment, and will constantly ask why you’re not having written tests more often, and how you could teach English without having a fluent knowledge of her native language.
How to deal with them, and the problems they create?
Mobile Phone Abuse – Trying to flatly ban mobile phones from your classes probably won’t work – students will insist that they are expecting important calls that can’t be missed. Telling students to go outside to use them might help, but probably the Princess will enjoy the opportunity to model her latest fashions while she saunters outside to answer her telephone.
So try this: Make sure she sits in some difficult position where she has to move past a lot of people and struggle past chairs to get out. Get ahold of her mobile number (this can probably be gotten from the management) and arrange for a confederate to call her every few minutes during the class. (With caller ID, you might have to use more than one confederate.) After she has to get up and go outside for the sixth or seventh time, she will probably tire of this little game and agree to turn off her phone. You can also try bringing a phone of your own into class and yammering on it for five minutes or so every time someone else gets a call. They’ll get the picture.
‘This activity is boring.” -- Well, maybe it is boring. Never mind. You can’t surrender your authority. Having a handy stack of written tests nearby to distribute when students complain about a speaking exercise is useful. If a student is complaining about a written exercise, then go the other way – “All right, everyone, Mr. Cool has agreeed to tell us all about his trip to study in Sussex last summer! So, get in the middle of the class, Mr. Cool! Okay, tell us all about it, and then the rest of you think of at least five questions each to ask him! What, you don’t want to? Okay, then back to the original activity!”
Constant native language chattering– Of course there are the usual “How to Teach English” methods – awarding students a “speaking grade” based on how often they speak only English in class, refusing to acknowledge questions in the native language, making them pay a fine, harping at them, etc – but what about the times when they’re not talking TO you, but ABOUT you. This is a very compelling reason for learning the native language – to know when the students are insulting you right in front of your face.
There is a way around the lengthy process of learning a foreign language, however – simply memorize this one phrase: “I can understand your language quite well, but this is an English class so I don’t use it. Please do the same.” Wait until the students are chattering away about you some day and let that one fly. It’ll shut them up quick.
Difficult and/or pointless questions -- So the swot suddenly pipes up in class while you’re working on the past tense and says, “Can you please explain the Present Conditional Redundant Comprehensive tense and give at least five examples?” Every teacher’s nightmare. You’ve got no fucking idea.
The amateur smiles sheepishly and says, “Uh, I’ll look for the answer and tell you tomorrow.” Wrong answer. This is what the swot wants. She probably knows the answer already – she just wants you to show your weakness.
The novice might say something like, “That’s not what we’re talking about now. We’ll talk about that later in the course.” Not ineffective, but it still leaves you vulnerable.
The semi-pro might start trying to waffle out of an answer, or start talking really fast, half explaining something and offering statements like, “Well, it sort of depends on the situation” Or double talking about something related. Bad idea. The Swot will pounce ruthlessly.
So what does the Professional do? One word – elicitation. This word solves all your problems. So the teacher simply smiles and turns coolly to the class and says, “Good question. Can anyone answer that?” Now usually someone can – perhaps even the swot will answer the question himself. If not, you can say, “All right, that will be your homework for tonight, Swot. Explain to me the Present Refractive Conditional Comprehensive tense on Friday, and give me at least five examples.”
If the Swot pigeonholes you before or after class, and there’s no one around, just answer each questions with a question. “Well, what do you think it means?” “Tell me what you know about this.” “Can you give me a few more examples?” Always maintain a sagely demeanor. This is where the Pros are separated from the Amateurs in any profession – how well they can bullshit.
“This book says you are wrong.” -- You can try different excuses. “This book is about British English; I’m American” is a popular one – or vice versa. “Well, of course that book was correct – for the time it was written. Nowadays, however .. .” is effective. Dealing with The English Teacher is different than the Swot – if you try the Elicitation approach, she might just try to take over the class and start explaining things to the rest of the class in their native language. That’s how she learned, after all. In some ways she’s the hardest to deal with of all of them.
Try misdirection. “Where did this book come from? What do you know about the authors? When was it written? Are you sure it was a reputable company?” And then just try yammering at her quickly in English that you know she doesn’t understand – she won’t want to admit it.
Beyond these things lie the traditional approaches – screaming, shouting and insults. The last resort, but certainly not the least effective one.
!
Back and choose again