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A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money
and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go
stay at his relatives' house.

He thinks to himself, "Galit na galit ako parang gusto kong pumatay." So he takes a out his
knife and flashes it at some white guy standing there on the bus, The white guy then says, "
Yo ! BE COOL man be cool!"

Then the Filipino guy says, "Oh Pasalamat ka, taga Bicol ka kundi pinatay na kita!!"


There were three Filipino friends who were invited to a Mood Party. In order to be allowed
access into the party, each person had to make an appearance as a mood or feeling.

The first guy went to the supermarket and bought a pear. The second, bought a dress and the
last bought a custard pie.

Confused with each other, they decided to go to the party and let the host clear things up
between them.

The host of the party opens the door and asks the first Filipino guy, "What's the pear for?"
The Filipino guy sticks out his thumb and plops the pear right over his thumb. Baffled, the
host asks what this all means. The Filipino guy answers, "I'm in 'dis pear (despair)!" The
host smiles and let's him in.

The second one busts out his dress. When asked to explain, he takes off all of his clothes,
throws them to the corner and wears the dress. He then explains, "I'm in 'dis dress
(distress)!" The host then smiles again and let's him in as well.

By this point, the host thinks he has everybody down. All of the sudden, the third guy pulls
his pants down to his knees and proceeds to give it to the custard pie that he brought.
Bewildered beyond belief, the host asks what the heck this guy is doing on his porch making
love to a custard pie!

The last Filipino guy replies,"I'm f*cking 'dis custard!"


There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-
pokey. She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out,
you put your right feet in...."

Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'"

So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."


A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous
Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a
couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the
Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"

Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that

"Tang Na! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!" exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah ....Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese,
Filipino are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his
loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the
bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate
kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room.

"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.

"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered back.

"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the director.

"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same."


There once was a Filipino man who worked at the grocery store and noticed that someone left
their lights on their vehicle. He decided to be a good Samaritan and announced the following
over the intercom system: "excush mae, der eez a ca wit de lights on, license phlate
numbearrr, LBQ123, El as in elepant, vee as in victory, and q as in cucumbearrr.


Da night bepor Christmas
An all tru da house
Nating pas
Not eben a mouse.

Da children dey nossie
all snog on da ploor
An Mama puts newspepper
Tru da crack on da dor.

Den Mama in da stobe
Roost up da manuk
Steer up da adobo
An make bake da biko.

Den out on da rud
Dey got such a clatter
Soun like old manong
Pull down da ladder.

I run so past
To open da dor
I trip ober da dog
An pull down on da ploor!

As I look out da dor
In da light ob da moon
I thinking "apo, you cresy
I'm gitting old too soon."

Becus dere on da rud
Wer I turn my head
Dere's eight carabao
Pulling a sled
An a little driber
Wit a big ishtick
I know right away
must be St Nick.

Mob paster an paster
Da carabao dey come
He wistle an holler
An call dem by nim:
"Oy, Boogy!
Oy, Ninoy!
Oy, Dong!, an' Bebe!
Ay, Inday!
Ay, Melda!
Cory, an Maria!"

To da top ob da porch
To da top ob da wall
Crawl da carabao
An dey neber pull.

Uncle Onsing's pighting chicken
Ober da rooptop he ply
Wen da big dog
He running by

Up to da porch
Da carabao he clim!
Wit da sled pull of toys
An St Nicklas behin.

Den on top of da porch roop
It soun like hell
Wer all dem carabaos
Sit down on der till.

Den down da chimney
I yill por long time
As St Nicolas pull down
An sit on de pire

"Jesus-Maria-Sep!", he exclim
"My pant hab a hole
Wen I sit down
On da rid hot coal,"
An jump like a cat
out to da ploor
Where he lan wit a splot!

He was dress in pur
Prom his head to his poot
An his clothes dey all dirty
Wit ashes an soot
A sock pull ob playting
He trow on his back
He look like a boorglar
An dats por a pahct.
His eyes how dey shine
His dimple, how mirrey!
Mebe he alredy drink
Da wine prom da birry.
His chik was like a rose
His nose like a chirry
On secon tought mebe
He drink up da shirry.

Wit snu-white chin wisker
An quibering billy
He shik wen he lop
Like da strubirry jelly!

But a wink in his eye
An a shake ob his hid
Mik my compidence dot
I no nid to be skirred.

He don' talk
He juss go to his woork
Put playting in sock.

An den he turn wit a jerk
He put bot his han
On top ob his hid
An look up da chimney

An den he said
"Wit all dat pire
An dat burning hot plim
I no go back
De sim way I kim."

So he run out da door
An he clim up da roop
He is no pool
Por to make one more goop.

He jump to his slid
An crock his big wip
Da carabaos mob down
An don mik one slip

An I hir him shout loud
Wit da carabaos he ply
"Mirry Christmas to all!
An to all a goodbye!"