NinjaCelt: It Begins! (Page 2)
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 12:47:42 -0000
From: "Great Dark Horde Covert Operations"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] It's 10pm. Do you know where your King is?
The following is a communiqué from the Great Dark Horde, dated May 21, A.S.
XXXVI. (Hard copy follows shortly, for official Kingdom records.)
Unto the Honorable Lady Tabitha Dearval
Kingdom of Ealdormere, Exchequer, salutation and warm greeting.
In the name of the Great Khan Keigan, three nights ago We abducte---er, took
your King into protective custody.
Since he pulled the dirty trick of turning out to be Rosakki, who are
cousins of Ours, We have released His Royal Majesty Roak on his own
recognizance. For the moment. This was done with the full understanding
that he is still officially Our captiv---um, Ward and Honored Guest---for
the time being.
Let this incident serve as a stern caveat to the populace of Ealdormere;
please keep a closer eye on your stuff. There are many Unscrupulous Rascals
about. The Great Dark Horde performs high above and beyond its duty, in
guarding your valuables from them. But few indeed appreciate what a taxing
job this can turn out to be.
O gracious and beautific Lady Tabitha, as you are the Royal Custodian of HRM
Roak's coffers, we submit to you Our ransom no---ahem, PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE
payment request for services rendered.
These are standard fees. They should be delivered to the Khan, by the
second week of Pennsic XXX:
Something Edible. (We like soft-baked chocolate chip/macadamia cookies.
And Godiva chocolate.)
Something Drinkable. (There were specific requests for Tully, Glenfiddich,
and/or Irish Mist.)
Something Shiny. (A Hordesman---or woman---without Amber, is a Naked
Mongol indeed.)
By special request of the Horde Ladies: on a night agreed upon between His
Majesty and the Khan, it is deemed that King Roak should dance for his
freedom before them.
Be warned. Should the ranso---
COMPENSATION, not be made, We reserve the right to whatever mayhem, mischief
and/or schtick We deem most appropriate. This is up to and including, the
right to REFUSE TO RECLAIM our rightful plunder (i.e., the person of HRM
Roak himself.) That means you gentle folk are stuck with him. Again.
Please soberly consider the ramifications of this.
(For crying out loud, dear people, think about it. The consequences could
be DIRE.)
Yours in great Affection, Service and Stealth, etc.
The Great Dark Horde
http://members.tripod.com/~whitebard/index2.html
"We're just Peaceful Pastoral Nomads...really..."
_________________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 08:48:08 -0400
From: "Enough Already" [wenickedyourking@portalofevil.com]
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] It's 10pm. Do you know where your King is?
Hear, Hear! Vivat! Wetsu! And there was much mirth and merry giggling across
the Steppes!
Post Scriptum: Between now and Pennsic, would His Majesty Roak be so kind as
to make a regular report to Our brother, Fionnghuala of the White Hands?
(The wee bard who snatched him up in the first place.)
This, naturally, is so that we can be assured of our Royal Charge's continued
safety and well being, until he officially leaves our custody.
Don't make her come looking for you.
We are the Horde. We have spoken.
Resistance is Feudal.
:::poof:::
_______________________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 10:02:33 -0400
From: "Arnora Dunestan"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] It's 10pm. Do you know where your King is?
In the name of the Great Khan Keigan, three nights ago We abducte---er,
took your King into protective custody.
What in the Name of Mithras is this Mischief???
Geez, ya can't leave the little bugger alone for twenty seconds without he
goes off and gets his butt nicked by some scurrilous pack of Mongols.
Schtick!! They want SCHTICK!! We don't do SCHTICK, everyone knows that! What
kind of unsophisticated bumpkins do they think we Ealdormereans are??
(Wow, then again, it's been several days and we hadn't even noticed Roak had
been buttnicked, so what does that tell you...)
This would *NEVER* have happened in Berus' day... can Carlotta, Aaron, and
Rustique save the day (never mind saving the King, of course :)?? Stay tuned
next week for another exciting Scooby-episode...;-)
We should send the Good Sisters of the Order of the Holy Orifice to convert
these smelly pagans. More specifically, i think we should just let Marion
handle the whole deal ;-). I'm sure she recalls what happened the *last*
time Ealdormerean royalty got, hrm, "Scooby-snatched": the remaining Royal
simply sent the ransom note back accompanied by a short pamphlet on "The
Care And Feeding of the High-Maintenance Royal You Have Just Adopted As Pet"
:)
We have *such* respect for our Royals here... ;-)
Arnora "hey, is that a green mossy hillock
in your camp or are you just happy to see me?" Dunestan,
who will serve no schtick before it's time...
_______________________________________________________________________
**Newsflash Radio One, Update #1: "A KINGDOM REELS!"
_______________________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 11:42:35 -0400
From: Halfdan Blackanvil
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Newsflash Radio Update: The King's A-Miss!
I heard from this Lady, who has a friend who is the cousin of the king's
lady in waiting on her mother's side, twice removed and condemned to the
gallows, and she said that it was the body double that got nabbed. One of
the king's bodyguards or something like that.
The One True King is apparently safe and sound, on a beach or something like
that, sipping copious amounts of vodka laden beverages from some oversized
melon.
Halfdan :D
_______________________________________________________________________
From: "David Carswell"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: RE: [E_LIST] Newsflash Radio Update: The King's A-Miss!
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 13:15:58 -0400
Could it perhaps be the King's Twin Brother Cerdic? - I had heard rumours
that strange things had been happening to him lately......
Erick
_______________________________________________________________________
From: "Shelley Rabinovitch"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] Re: Newsflash Radio Update: The King's A-Miss!
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 15:04:35 -0400
OHHH IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!!
Would someone STOP this before I laugh so hard I herniate myself!!
(Peering under her desk, cautioning the Horde thereunder to be vewwy, vewwy
quiet...)
Bad Mongols. DOn't they know you can't just return a kidnapped King without
first making sure he's been reacclimatized? After drinking all that kumiss,
he's going to be right grouchy without a steady supply... HALFDAN...
:HHEEEELLLPPPP!!
Tsivia
_________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 15:40:27 -0400
From: Finnvarr de Taahe
To: Ealdormere list
Subject: [E_LIST] Kidnapped monarchs
I'll believe the king has been kidnapped when I see him. Or when I
don't. Or something...
People who kidnap monarchs have to support them in the style to which
they are accustomed, or would like to become accustomed. As in that
classic story "The Ransom of Redchief" (which American kids had to read
once on a time), I say -- presuming there's anything to this shakedown
-- that we hold out until Roak has eaten their good food, drunk their
good drink, danced them into the ground, and then make OUR demands.
Finnvarr
"No tilting with sharp weapons, no jesting with keen scoffs - friends
all"
-- Quentin Durward
________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 15:50:07 -0400
From: Halfdan Blackanvil
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Re: Newsflash Radio Update: The King's A-Miss!
Shelley Rabinovitch wrote:
Bad Mongols. DOn't they know you can't just return a kidnapped King without
first making sure he's been reacclimatized? After drinking all that kumiss,
he's going to be right grouchy without a steady
supply... HALFDAN... :HHEEEELLLPPPP!!
TSivia
No problem. A keg of a very dark German style "AltBier" shall be forthcoming
to Their Majesties at "Murder Melee".
Quite likely some raspberry melomel, too, if my brother Garraed can find a
decent "cooler" for it somewhere in the House Galbraith collection of beverage
chilling devices. Gold coloured, a pair of winged figurines on top? Or did HE
Marion spirit that one away to the convent when she departed? :D :D
Halfdan, Royal Brewer.
_________________________________________________________________________
**Newsflash Radio One, Update #2: "A BODY DOUBLE CONSPIRACY?"
_________________________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 18:55:51 -0400
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
From: Rob Galbraith
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] It's 10pm. Do you know where your King is?
::Baron Auguste Valizan steps into the light:: Yes, I do know where my King
is. He's safe and sound with a beer in His summer castle in Ben Dunfirth.
We are the Horde. We have spoken.
Resistance is Feudal.
:::poof:::
Okay, since when does the Great Dark Horde go "Poof?" Pink Fuzzy Bunny
could go "Poof", Camp Diva could go "Pouf", but The Horde?
Baron Auguste quotes His Royal Majesty Roak: "I thought I had made a
stealthy escape from my captors!... maybe I should have some guards out."
He also asks where the good Hordeswoman He is supposed to report to is
from, as she is not a familiar face to him.
V.
For Ealdormere,
Glorious as is,
Glorious as will be.
________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 19:04:04 -0400
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
From: Rob Galbraith
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] It's 10pm. Do you know where your King is?
Schtick!! they want SCHTICK!! we don't do SCHTICK, everyone knows that! What
kind of unsophisticated bumpkins do they think we ealdormereans are??
My good Lady Arnora, I think they've already decided on what kind we are,
now they're haggling over the price.
(wow, then again, it's been several days and we hadn't even noticed roak had
been buttnicked, so what does that tell you...)
My dear, I'm *NOT* going to be the one to check on "buttnicks."
we should send the Good Sisters of the Order of the Holy Orifice to convert
>these smelly pagans.
Hordesmen and Royals and Sisters... oh MY!
Buttnicks and Bolshevics and pagans... oh MY!!! (Arnora, where did the
pagans come into this?)
more specifically, i think we should just let Marion handle the whole deal
;-). i'm sure she recalls what happened the *last* time Ealdormerean
royalty got, hrm, "scooby-snatched"
Oh? This has happened before? Do tell. Lady Arnora? Good Countess Marion?
::taps foot::
I'm waiting...
Valizan
________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 19:20:21 -0400
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
From: Rob Galbraith
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Newsflash Radio Update: A Body-Double Conspiracy??
dit-dit-dit-de-dot-dot-dot-de-dit-dit-dit-de-dot-dot-dot-dee-do-do-do,
de-da-da-da...
:::Valizan sings along::: "That's all I want to say to you..."
Wow, I always loved The Police...
[voice in background]: Hey Valizan, what's a 14-letter word starting with D,
and means "Don't spit on my camel, she's already in heat you bastard??"
::Valizan looks up from his Martini and the severance documents and replies::
DunestanArnora
dit-dit-dit-de-dot-dot-dot-de-dit-dit-dit-de-dot-dot-dot-dee-do-do-do,
de-da-da-da...
Valizan sings "Its meaningless that's all that's true..."
Sahtayn!
Valizan
_______________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 21:59:57 -0400
From: Michelle Moll
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] It's 10pm. Do you know where your King is?
You know, this has happened before. Not about Royalty being kidnapped,
but Roak being kidnapped. About a million years ago. When the Crown
Prince of Atlantia, or was that Meridies, or maybe even A-Trimaris
(inside joke, don't even bother to figure it out). Shrug. One of those
Kingdoms, they captured him on the field and then sent a note to the
Rozakii to go ransom him back. Three of us went to find him, and there
he was, partying it up in the road outside the barn, having a rip
roaring good time with drucken Royalty, drinking out of gas cans :-)
Well, we just kept upping the ante there, and it took them about 15
minutes to realise that we weren't offering to pay, what we were
providing was what they would have to pay us to take him back! Took
them awhile, but the esteemed Crown Prince finally looked at us in all
seriousness and asked why we needed to be paid to take him back. We
pointed out to him that we weren't exactly in any hurry to have someone
who drank out of a gas can be associated with us. Then Roak started
laughing, and next thing we know they are begging us to take him off
their hands.
The Rozakii made out pretty well that night, and Roak established one of
his "rules to live by" as well. It's one that his friends take seriously,
and hold very dear to our hearts.
Rule #1: Never drink anything out of a gas can!
I say, let the Horde keep him, the longer they keep him, the more stuff
we get for taking him back. Unless of course we already have him back,
and that guy claiming to be the King is indeed the King. Either that,
or it is indeed his twin brother. Either that or it is a doppelganger
who laughs just like him. Either that or it is a pod like creature that
has snatched Roak's body. Either that or it is someone who can imitate
his voice. Either that or it is......Only one way to really find out!
Moria
________________________________________________________
**Newsflash Radio One, Update #3: "THE PLOT SICKENS??"
________________________________________________________
From: "Mya Barson"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Our King was Kidnapped
Date: Sat, 26 May 2001 08:47:13 -0400
Greetings Good Gentles,
I say that if these kidnappers are so rich they
can support 2 monarchs plus their own ruling body they should be
paying US compensation for the loans of our royalty.
What do you think?
"Life is an adventure, some days are more of an adventure than others."
-Ysabeau
________________________________________________________
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 16:33:11 -0400
From: "Fionnghuala" [letdagamesbegin@evilemail.com]
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] follow up: more Cloak and Dagger stuff
Shelley Rabinovitch scripsit:
Bad Mongols. Don't they know you can't just return a kidnapped King without
first making sure he's been reacclimatized? After drinking all that kumiss,
he's going to be right grouchy without a steady supply... HALFDAN...
HHEEEELLLPPPP!!
No problem. A keg of a very dark German style "AltBier" shall be forthcoming to
Their Majesties at "Murder Melee". Quite likely some raspberry melomel,
too...
And in a message dated 5/24/01 8:05:42 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
valizan@tor.axxent.ca writes:
He [Roak] also asks where the good Hordeswoman He is supposed to report to is
from, as she is not a familiar face to him.
V.
:::appearing on cue, in a >puff!< of fire and brimstone:::
Not to worry, good citizens of the North. :D :D :D :D I AM a brewer, and
generally whatever I cannot make, I can procure/trade for/swipe.
We can even arrange for his libations to be served out of a gas can---if that is
His Majesty's vessel of choice. :::Humming merrily, with a "do you hate me yet?" smirk:::
So never fear; your honorable Sovereign won't get "the shakes" for that special
Mongolian rotten-mare's-milk recipe of ours. :D :D :D And anyway, if he
does, we now have a 12-step program for that.
:::removing hat and bowing with a deep sweep of plumes:::
Incidentally, Bravo. Your kingdom have been taking this whole escapade with
every ounce of the good grace and merry cackling I knew you would. My
Horde-brothers are howling with laughter, right along with you.
As I remarked to H.E. Valizan, earlier... You can't romp and play like this with
EVERY king, or for that matter, every kingdom. Had this been the East or
the Middle, :::shudder::: I'd have been stomped into the ground so
thoroughly by now, it would have induced a China Syndrome. (And that would
have just been the HORDE'S reaction.) But then, I have always found
Ealdormereans to be a specially unpretentious and lovely breed of folk.
I've never been in you guys' camp, company, etc., and NOT had a complete
blast.
It would be a bit of a hike for me (Valizan, to answer Roak's question, I
currently play in the Middle....Gwyntarian/Akron, just south of Cleveland,
OH.) But I've half a mind to join you at the Murder Melee in June. You
guys are too much frigging fun to be true.
(I've never been out of the States before. Will I get barked at by Customs, if
I bring some of my "stuff" for you guys to sample? I got Pyment-Claree,
Cyser-Metheglyn, Irish Hazelnut mead, three year old Raspberry Melomel, and
a bunch of different cordials...including some homemade Strega. I'd like an expert opinion on whether I got the recipe right, on that last.)
Yours in Song, Service, Stealth, Terrorism, Subversion, etc.
~Fionnghuala of the White Hands
Y Gwynt-Canwr Bardd (The Windsinger Bard)
>^..^< "I am the Cat Who Walks By Himself. And I wish to come into your cave."
Rudyard Kipling, "Just So Stories"
Post Scriptum: Incidentally, does anyone up thataway know what happened to my
OLD colleague/bardic playmate from Skeldergate (Sigurd Leothsanga, m.k.a.
Bosah Van Den Berg?) He used to hang in the Kitchener-Waterloo area.
Did Mundania gobble him up??? I hope the heck not. The Known World would be a
sadly empty place, without his outrageous filks. And his industrial-
strength baritone.
________________________________________________________
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 20:21:22 -0400
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
From: Rob Galbraith
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] follow up: more Cloak and Dagger stuff
:::appearing on cue, in a >puff!< of fire and brimstone:::
Not to worry, good citizens of the North. :D :D :D :D I AM a brewer, and
generally whatever I cannot make, I can procure/trade for/swipe.
She kidnaps, she brews... Hmmmm, This humble sheikh must talk to Aibhilin
Kennari. We may have found a potential wife for one of her sons... ;-))
We can even arrange for his libations to be served out of a gas can---if
that is His Majesty's vessel of choice.
When has He had a choice in any of this?
So never fear; your honorable Sovereign won't get "the shakes" for that
special Mongolian rotten-mare's-milk recipe of ours. :D :D :D And
anyway, if he does, we now have a 12-step program for that.
Hm. Twelve steps between the kumiss and the dark beer. I think He'll manage
that.
But then, I have always found Ealdormereans to be a specially
unpretentious and lovely breed of folk. I've never been in you guys'
camp, company, etc., and NOT had a complete blast.
The Horde like us! They really like us! :))))
It would be a bit of a hike for me (Valizan, to answer Roak's question, I
currently play in the Middle....Gwyntarian/Akron, just south of Cleveland,
OH.)
Valizan knows that group well. Many a friend resides in those environs.
But I've half a mind to join you at the Murder Melee in June. You guys are
>too much frigging fun to be true.
Wilkommen, bienvienue, welcome.
(I've never been out of the States before. Will I get barked at by
Customs, if I bring some of my "stuff" for you guys to sample? I got
Pyment-Claree, Cyser-Metheglyn, Irish Hazelnut mead, three year old
Raspberry Melomel, and a bunch of different cordials...including some
homemade Strega. I'd like an expert opinion on whether I got the recipe
right, on that last.)
WELL NOW... we have no lack of experts in fair Ealdormere when it comes to
matters of sampling brewed goods. Why, good Countess Marion's family, The
Galbraiths (My connection to that family is... oh nevermind...) are
renouned for their skills at mead brewing, as is Lord Rhys. Ohhhhh...
Rhysssss meaaaaaaadddd... We could even invite His Majesty to attend!
There would be no problem providing a panel to give an informed opinion. Or
an uninformed opinion.
However, I am not sure of the rules for bringing stuff that you have brewed
yourself over the border. Anyone have info for this lady?
Yours in Song, Service, Stealth, Terrorism, Subversion, etc.
>~Fionnghuala of the White Hands
And she sings too, really must get in contact with Aibhilin...
Post Scriptum: Incidentally, does anyone up thataway know what happened
to my OLD colleague/bardic playmate from Skeldergate (Sigurd Leothsanga,
m.k.a. Bosah Van Den Berg?) He used to hang in the Kitchener-Waterloo
area.
I'd be curious to know what has happened to Sigurd too. I have not seen him
in a long while.
The Known World would be a sadly empty place, without his outrageous
filks. And his industrial-strength baritone.
Indeed it would, my dear civilized terrormonger, indeed it would. Perhaps
we could substitute some of the items on your ransom list for a song from
one of our many bards? There will probably be a few at Pennsic and we could
ask one to sing a song for His Maj's release. Their voices *ARE* as good as
gold. Amber too.
Sahtayn!
Valizan
________________________________________________________
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 22:53:24 -0400
From: "Fionnghuala" [letdagamesbegin@evilemail.com]
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] Re: follow up: more Cloak and Dagger stuff
In a message dated 5/27/01 8:29:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
valizan@tor.axxent.ca writes:
Perhaps we could substitute some of the items on your ransom list for a song
from one of our many bards?
An Ealdormerean bard is ALWAYS an ecstatic pleasure to listen to. But
in this case, I really think the Horde ladies need to see Roak himself
perform. (He brought this part of the ransom on himself, you know---by
making me feel his tummy while he did belly rolls.)
Sahtayn!
Valizan
Excellency, you flatter me. But no, I am merely an AGENT of Satan. My duties,
however, are largely ceremonial. (One of "Satan's Little Helpers," as it
were.)
"Don't have a snit
Or make a fuss
Your king are all
Belong to us.
-Mongol-shave"
Yours in Song, Service, Stealth, Terrorism, Subversion, etc.
~Fionnghuala of the White Hands
Y Gwynt-Canwr Bardd (The Windsinger Bard)
>^..^< "I am the Cat Who Walks By Himself. And I wish to come into your cave."
Rudyard Kipling, "Just So Stories"
_________________________________________________________
Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 01:17:59 -0400
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
From: Rob Galbraith
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Re: follow up: more Cloak and Dagger stuff
Lady Fionnghuala replied:
But in this case, I really think the Horde ladies need to see Roak himself
perform. (He brought this part of the ransom on himself, you know---by
making me feel his tummy while he did belly rolls.)
Ehrm. Yes. Well... ::At a loss for further words, Valizan sits in silence::
Sahtayn!
Valizan
Excellency, you flatter me. But no, I am merely an AGENT of Satan. My
duties, however, are largely ceremonial. (One of "Satan's Little
Helpers," as it were.)
While this Northern Sheikh would cast no doubt on your abilities, he fears
you misunderstand. "Sahteyn" simply means "Two healths" or simply put:
"Cheers!"
Mayhaps you are suffering from Hordal Dyslexia, for if it had been spelled
(Or misspelled as the case may be) Saytahn, I could understand your
confusion.
Mayhaps Sister Insubstantia should sit with you and aid in the
rehabilitation of your soul if you think Lucifer needs help. Besides, he
hires Temps, there's no future for you in working for him. Trust me on that
one!
Crossing himself and planning to live,
Sheikh Valizan
Barony of Ben Dunfirth, Ealdormere
The Prophet says: "Trust in Allah, but tie your camel."
_________________________________________________________
Newsflash One Radio, Update #4: "Meglomaniac mole in secret plot with agents of Satan??"
_________________________________________________________
From: "Arnora Dunestan"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] follow up: more Cloak and Dagger stuff
Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 15:50:52 -0400
some sneakyclevermongol wrote:
I have always found Ealdormereans to be a specially unpretentious [snip]
Just for the record... I resent this remark immensely. Some of us work
*very* hard to be as pretentious as human ingenuity and The Almighty Dollar
will allow...
;-)
Arnora
________________________________________________________________________
Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 21:14:08 -0400
From: Halfdan Blackanvil
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] SITE IS UP!
Fionnghuala wrote:
:::poking head out from under Halfdan's chair:::
I say, such an amazing feat of dexterity. How you Horde "sleuthy types" can
conceal yourselves in such tiny nooks and crannies. Amazing! I didn't
even hear the empties clink together. :D
Perhaps this Black-Ops Bard is being presumtuous, friend. :::gryn::: But from
the way your jubilant shout is making the list echo, this would appear
to be something that excites you greatly. Do tell about it.
Good friend if you think my shout is loud I shall have to introduce
you to my pet octopus called "bagpipe". I even supply earplugs,
but they don't help. Much.
As for my announcement, however, all such details can be found at your
earliest convenience by accessing the URL supplied.
Time to snooze...long day...much mileage...oodles of fresh air....zzzzzzzzz
Halfdan
-----------------------------------------------------------
Newsflash Radio One, Update #5: "Alls Not Quiet on the Western Front??"
-----------------------------------------------------------
From: "Great Dark Horde Covert Operations"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Newsflash Radio 1 Update: Alls Not Quiet on the Western
Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 04:11:19 -0000
We have held our silence up until now. But we must intervene on the behalf
of Rumor Control.
The Great Dark Horde does NOT employ Ninja Celts. There are NO Ninja Celts.
There have never BEEN any Ninja Celts. The mere thought is spurious,
absurd, slanderous, and very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very silly.
(Note to the desk anchor at Newsflash Radio 1: well done. Your kickback
will be delivered at the event as we agreed: 5 lactating yaks, a bottle
of Bunratty, and a Seljuk dancing girl. Your contact will be the Turkish
midget with a limp. Do not, repeat, do NOT tease him about his harelip.)
Sleep well. Everything proceeds as planned.
_________________________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 02:24:25 -0400
From: "NinjaBardsBah" [wenickedyourking@portalofevil.com]
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] Sssssh it's a secret
On Thu, 14 Jun 2001 04:11:19 -0000, sneakyclevermongols@hotmail.com wrote:
The Great Dark Horde does NOT employ Ninja Celts. There are NO Ninja Celts.
There have never BEEN any Ninja Celts. The mere thought is spurious,
absurd, slanderous, and very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very silly.
:::masked faces bobbing vigorously in unanimous agreement:::
Sure and begorrah, that's the truth, Arnora-San. No such thing.
Bardic Ninja Celts. The very idea that the Horde would use THEM.
By the way, you never saw us.
Regards,
Fujiko ni' Chullanainn of the Inky Black Grip of Death
Gwionn Tsuranaga ap-Rhys ap-Talfan
Nakamura Og Shikaku mac Laidir
(fights like dragon snores like congested Argyle heifer)
Morwenna Tanaka-Sashimi y Gwauhir (Haggis with extra Wasabi on the side)
Tetsuo Raven No-Minegishi O'Flaherty
Moira Edo-Akahito longunpronounceablenamewithnovowels
Durk (the quiet one. He's shy.)
:::vanishing stage left:::
{{{===============================zzzzzzzzzzzzip
_________________________________________________________________
From: "Great Dark Horde Covert Operations"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Sssssh it's a secret
Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 13:20:03 -0000
:::pauses, looks at the cloud of dust left by departing, stealthy, tabi'd
feet. Shakes head, sighs, pulls out steno pad. Scribbling a quick
dispatch:::
"O my Khan, great and terrible, may you live forever.
"Cover about to be blown. Highly recommend firing these idiots and hiring
some new Ninja Celts who will keep their bloody mouths shut.
"PS. Their body-double may be onto us. Please send a new agent to observe
him at their event this weekend. We may need to eliminate him. (Or pay him
off. Whichever amuses My Khan more.)
"Blessings upon all thy flocks and herds. May thy bow never unfortuitously
snap in two as you turn to singlehandedly face the combined armies of All
The Russias. (Face is STILL red from the last time that happened to me.)
"End communication."
_________________________________________________________________
Newsflash Radio One, Update #6: Nimble Ninjas Unnerve Napping Nobility!!
_________________________________________________________________
From: "Shelley Rabinovitch"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] Ninja Celts?
Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 14:15:40 -0400
Ninja CELTS!!
That's it: They saw Naon Na Crutire....recognized that as a Mohawk
Celt...and they POISONED HIS APPENDIX!!
THAT'S IT!! Watch out, citizens of Ealdormere..don't claim names with lots
of unpronounced syllables which might smack of Celtic origins.....they'll be
after you next....giving you halitosis...rotting your fingernails, making
your hair break...poisoning your appendix!
BE VERY AFRAID!
TSivia
(who has a name with NO extra syllables. NONE. got that, you fishy
celtic ninjas?!?)
_________________________________________________________________
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 17:34:52 -0400
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
From: Rob Galbraith
Subject: [E_LIST] Gaspeying for air...
Suspicious-looking candidates? In EAldorMERE?! I really don't think
you've got a lot to worry about, Valizan.
Ouen, you didn't come to Melee did you? There were plenty of suspicious
lookinging candidates running about. I actually sat and drank some
spectacular mead with one of them. :)
:::Considers the thought of the Horde kidnapperess, Sister Insubstantia AND
Ouen at one event and is glad disaster was averted:::
Valizan
_________________________________________________________________
From: "Great Dark Horde Covert Operations"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] Murder Melee
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 06:19:22 -0000
Lords, ghods and minor deities, yes.
The field agent we dispatched out thataway, reports that MM was quite an
event. She regretfully wishes she REMEMBERED more of it. In our
experience, it is not very often that the Black-Ops Bard gets so thoroughly
plowed she can't even remember how to sing. (Halfdan and his various
poisons weren't even AT that particular party. ....was Ouen? She can't
recall.)
The Rozakii have a lot to answer for. She's lucky she remembered how to DRIVE
in time to make it across to her side of the Peace Bridge. (Thankfully, there
was a Tim Horton's every 5 frigging feet. The forecast
called for LOTS of strong black
coffee.)
You're gonna git it for that, Ealdormere. Phase III of our current operations
will not be pretty.
Yours with great Affection, Service, Stealth, Etc.
_________________________________________________________________
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 08:03:52 -0400
From: Halfdan Blackanvil
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Murder Melee
I opted for leaning over the fence of the Dark Horde enclave (which was
cleverly beseiged on all sides by the encamped forces of HE Erec and HE
Xristina of Skraeling Althing) and lobbing bottles of mead into that camp. I
barely escaped with my amber at one point, but I didn't hear any
"complaints".... [heheheheh]
Thankfully, there was a Tim Horton's every 5 frigging feet. The forecast
called for LOTS of strong black coffee.)
Well, there ya go. Part of our "master plan".
You're gonna git it for that, Ealdormere. Phase III of our current
operations will not be pretty.
So you are going to take advantage of the special offer and collect all four
of the limited edition, Ealdormerian Royalty? A fine decision, good folk, you
are obviously people of discriminating and refined tastes. Remember, they are
"one of a kind", extremely lifelike and of exquisite design and workmanship.
All your friends are going to want them, too, so be sure to act now!!!
Supplies are limited!!! Okay, okay. Gallon jugs o' mead at dawn, at a
place and time of mutual convenience. Forget the twenty paces, neither one of
us will likely get that far and I'll bring my 'pipes for a tune or two. I'll
even supply the ear plugs, which won't really help, and maybe, a big hot cup of
Tim's to expedite your recovery. :D
Oh, by the way, that's a northern gallon and not the little squeakers found
in the southron lands.
_________________________________________________________________
From: "Adrienne Dandy"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Murder Melee
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 09:04:00 -0400
You're gonna git it for that, Ealdormere. Phase III of our current
operations will not be pretty.
Yours with great Affection, Service, Stealth, Etc.
You call what happened this weekend pretty? I tell you.. I was there at
troll that day. I may have nightmares for weeks.
She came up the driveway, cleverly disguising her approach by capering a
bit, blinding those of us looking around the troll table by waving that
plaid clutched in her hand. They aren't kidding about the stealth part. I
knew then that something was terribly wrong.
And then, right in front of my eyes, she "sacked" the lady selling ice and
firewood tickets (a diabolical scheme if ever there was one.. if you're
going to hit at the heart of Ealdormere during Melee, who better than the
person who's selling the means to keep our beer/mead/cider cold and our
fires going through the night? I think we've underestimated these clever
fiends. What would Ealdormere be, if we had to drink warm alcohol huddled
around a Coleman lantern during the bardic circles and parties? A shadow of
our former selves, I'm sure.)
I was so traumatized by what I'd seen that I had to take to my bed, and so
missed Their Majesties Court! (For which I was duly chastized by the Herald
in the Court of RamsHavengoðar) The schemes of the Horde are many layered
and complex indeed.
I will not sleep so well as I did before, I think, having seen with my own
eyes the true danger of the Horde and their justly feared Ninja-Celts. I
shudder to think that there may be more of them, and that they are so
willing to strike at the heart of Ealdormere. I thought that it was just a
joke.. Now I know better. Our very way of life is threatened. If you would
think otherwise, just remember these two words: warm beer.
Helewis
_________________________________________________________________
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 08:57:25 -0400
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
From: Rob Galbraith
Subject: Re: [E_LIST] Murder Melee
Lords, ghods and minor deities, yes.
You're welcome.
The field agent we dispatched out thataway, reports that MM was quite an
event.
The Barony of Ben Dunfirth says You're Welcome.
She regretfully wishes she REMEMBERED more of it.
Valizan says You're Welcome.
In our experience, it is not very often that the Black-Ops Bard gets so
thoroughly plowed she can't even remember how to sing.
Kinda par for the course for Ealdormereans... You're welcome.
You're gonna git it for that, Ealdormere. Phase III of our current
operations will not be pretty.
Waitaminnit! Why take revenge on our lovely little kingdom when all we did
was extend the kind of hospitality that we are famous for from Skraeling to
Trimaris, Ostrgard to The West?
It is one thing to threaten the Rozakii, they're your family and we all
know that infighting is part of family relations, but why threaten
Ealdormere? Think of the children. Think of the heralds, huddled with their
paperwork quietly crying out oyez....
With love, humour and a sense of hospitality,
Sheikh Valizan Rakkas Al Bassim Ra'ee Al Saleh al Zubeyd Ibn Fredeh
(Called Auguste Valizan by the Franks)
_________________________________________________________________
From: "Order of the Holy Orifice"
To: e_list@ealdormere.sca.org
Subject: [E_LIST] Holy Orifice SWAT team recall
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 13:55:51 -0000
The field agent we dispatched out thataway, reports that MM was quite an
event. She regretfully wishes she REMEMBERED more of it.
Apparently (the Abbess scribes drolly) there was much of that abounding this
weekend.
As we, the Heads of Operations at Holy Orifice Central, are now in fear for
the safety of our own field operatives, we have been forced to temporarily
suspend the activities of our SWAT team.
We have received reports that on the Friday of Melee, our own Sister
Insubstantia was seen being lured into dangerous behaviours by locals
wielding large handfuls of Jello Shooters. In fact, when she did stumble
back into base camp sometime the following morning, her wimple had brown
stains we suspect from scent are beer, blue stains we believe are blueberry
Jello Shooter (as they closely match the stain left by a Shooter Missile the
poor Sister inadvertantly fired on Her Majesty - we're still investigating
which upset Her Majesty more, the fact that she was fired on, or the fact
that Sister Insubstantia herself attempted to retrieve the ammunition from
the Queen's... never mind, scribe, erase that part), and green stains we can
only pray are lime Jello.
We also have received several disturbing reports that Sister Insubstantia's
cousin, THL Arnora Dunestan, was seen in the company of a lovely stranger
with a beautiful voice and scrumptious... mead...; considering the fact that
Arnora was not supposed to be on site this weekend, we find the collusion
disturbing. At this point, we are prepared to publish a warning that THL
Arnora may be a double agent for Satan (not that this will surprise many, we
understand).
Apparently only our novice, Countess Marion, survived the weekend with her
virtues intact. OK, maybe more like "hurriedly duct-taped back into place
whenever anyone was looking", but close enough for field work. And we do
here the Countess is most outstanding in her field... whatever that may be.
Any rumours that Sister Insubstantia was performing baptisms in the river
are, of course, false. Nor was she "convertin' by the pool" with the Sultans
of Sin at any point, to the best of our knowledge.
The security forces based here at Holy Orifice Central continue to monitor
the deteriorating situation in Ealdormere. As always, we have the security
of the Monarchy as our foremost concern. We will spend some time
re-outfitting our field operatives with better technology and weaponry for
tracking and apprehending such fiends as would make themselves the enemies
of the Ealdormerean Crown.
Rest gently, my children - the hand of God lies ever softly upon your
privies.
The Abbess, the agent formerly known as "A"
"...and yea verily unto the world,
through this magnificent passageway
was born unto mankind a Saviour.
Know ye all this orifice to be
a miraculous and sacred passage
through which emerge the innocent,
and through which none may return in innocence."
--Saint Aelththwyththfrigida,
Anchoress of The Holy Orifice
