Hello my dear's let me introduce myself. My name is Horace Horatio Hornblower Hog. You might think that's rather a mouthful and I suppose it is. That's why my friends refer to me as 'Big H'. I've been living here in Pigalilly-Hamlet for many years now and there's never a dull moment with the Wiggy Piggy's around, which is precisely why I'm here, to share with you all the strange things I have witnessed.

Firstly, I suppose I'd best be telling you a bit about myself. I originally came from the county of Somerset but moved here many moons ago, hot on the trotters of a beautiful young pig with whom I'd fallen madly in love. As with many famous lovers throughout history, our dreams were never quite realised, but we remain the firmest of friends to this very day. Well, enough of this melancholy hot-trot, you will meet her later.

I'm getting on a bit now. You might say I'm a bit long in the tooth, which would be more accurate as I only have the one left!! Being old with a few whiskers and wrinkly skin, I know I'm not the best looking pig on the block. I spend most of my time rocking the day away in my rickety old rocking chair, puffing away on my old clay pipe. I even like to sleep in my chair, as the constant rocking does wonders for an old piggy's nerves. I f truth be known, I only ever move for my fittle and my drink.

Pigalilly-Hamlet is only a modest affair. Just a Wiggy Market, a Po-Pig station and a handful of dwellings, such as those occupied by the Wiggy Piggy's. They call them 'Wig-Hams' and although basic, they contain every thing a small piggy could possibly need. The Piggy's are certainly a mixed bunch, but despite their differences they do get on exceedingly well and when snort comes to grunt they do make an excellent team!!

Ear-Wiggy, the eldest of the five has got the most HUMUNGOUS ears you have ever set your eyes on! Although quite an endearing feature, they do get in his way at times, which has been known to send him into a huff. Being the 'Big-Pig' he holds the self-appointed position of gag leader, and loves looking out for the other Piggy's, except for when he is engrossed in his other big love - inventing!!

The baby of the bunch is Twiglet Piglet, alert and on the ball at all times until there's a crisis! Then he tends to go to pieces, panicking and squealing in the highest pitched voice, driving the others bonkers! Luckily, this little piggy goes bananas for Bovril, and a nice steaming mug is always guaranteed to clam him down.

The slightly older Wiggly is more logical and level headed than Twiglet. She has a knack of making the others laugh and can brighten up the dullest of days. AS her name suggests, she is somewhat of a fidget, but what can you expect from someone with a fetish for eating worms!! Still, we all have our funny little quirks, don't we? At least it is just a quirk, unlike Swiggy Piggy's little habit.

Now that little Piggy has a liking for drink. No, not the hard stuff I grant you, but he borders on the obsessive with his taste for lashings and lashings of ginger beer! The others often pay the price for his indulgence, due to his insistence on hiding and hording his bottles. Many a time has one of the Piggy's come to visit me nursing a fresh cut or recent bruise brought about by accidentally stumbling on one of them. And although good at heart, he does have a tendency to exaggerate which has been known to get him into trouble. But now La'Wiggy Piggy - well, she really is something else. Prancing around, believing herself to be a stunning French maiden, while in reality I can assure you that she is no more French than the good old British banger!! She really does think she's the pig's trotter, which makes it even funnier when she makes a hash of her fake French accent. But then again, on a fairer note she does have a kind heart and can be very, very understanding towards the other piggy's and their troubles.

Another local resident that I must warn you about before I start my tale is PC Squigley Pig. Not being the brightest of hogs, he often gets his words back to front, upside down and almost inside out, much to everybody's amusement. This inevitably gets him steaming mad and more often than not he ends up riding off into the distance, red-faced and grumpy, followed by the sound of mocking laughter, forgetting what he was doing there in the first place! I don't mean to sound disrespectful towards a member of our local constabulary, but he has spread many unfounded rumours about my good self and you know what they say …… a trotter for a trotter!!!