Now and Then
(A Lex POV)

He walks in the door and gives you a smile.

It's not as bright as it once was; its cheerfulness is muted and its radiance obscured. You remember a time when a flash of teeth could be blinding, could reach in with impulsive hands and tear your soul from and through your throat, leaving you choking with helpless awe. Those times are now long gone. He never smiles like that anymore.

It isn't as if his smiles have mutated into yours, however. You remember what your so-called smiles used to look like; you remember staring into the mirror over your sink and grimacing at the reflection. You would try to arrange your face-a twist of lip this way, a pair of squinting eyes-and with enough practice you could actually mimic sincerity. Those were sad times, genuinely sad states of affairs; you know that now. If you're honest with yourself, you knew it then as well, but at the time it seemed like the only thing you could do.

But now, you watch as he walks towards you. There is a surety in his stance, a smoothness and confidence in his appearance. Those things are relatively novel; they didn't exist for the majority of your life. In memory there is a charming adolescent, an endearing boy who bumbled about and tried to hide from the world. He covered your harder edges, and at the time you loved him for it, loved him for his softness. He always gave you the majority of his unique and embarrassed grins, and he gave you his patience--he looked up to you and believed in you without reservation. You still treasure that image of him--a mere child, whose only true confidence was his confidence in you.

Those were different times, and sometimes you miss them.

Time has gone on, and it has given you his defiance; today's version stands his ground and tends to fight against you. He's seen all of your weaknesses. There have been times in history where you've been reminded of just that, been reminded of just how much knowledge he has in exploitation; he's crushed you into the ground many a time, he's turned you into ash. Sometimes it makes you want to destroy him, makes you want to grind him into the dust and with it the last vestiges of your own vulnerability. But for the most part, you ignore that side of yourself. You let him remake you.

Because today, he is smiling. His eyes are soft. He tells you, "I love you, Lex," and that is different, too.

So while you sometimes miss the boy who worshiped you, there is now a man full of love and admiration, and you think that maybe you are happier this way. Sometimes there is uncertainty-you shouldn't need anyone, but then you ignore Lionel's voice in your head and decide to live your own life.

It's that decision that finally lets you return his offering; it's the same smile he shares with you. Your smiles might not be twin smiles of radiance-you could never match his and he has toned his own down in sympathy--but they are smiles of quiet and joyfulness. You still remember the grin that stole your breath, but you're in love with the smile that shares your burdens. He has remade you enough for that.

There are also some other differences.

For one, you can finally kiss him, and so you do.

And you can also say, "Clark, I love you more."

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