Site hosted by Build your free website today!
Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Rpg Dreamers Forums > Fanarts & Fanfics > The Penguin Writing Contest

Posted by: Sweets Jan 18 2004, 02:21 PM
Look at the title. Yes! A contest!
I will be offering 10,000 gil (if the RPG system is on by then otherwise Ill have to organise something else >_< including other judges and youll have to be content with the risks) to whoever submits the best entry to this,
it has to feature the following (bold) in it:

"Good Morning Mr. Penguin, how lovely to see you, do sit down"
*Pen attempts to sit down but is unable to due to awakardness caused by non-flying bird anatomy*
"*cough* Id rather not, Thanks"
"Do you have The Fish?"
"Let me see my Completed Project first."

Judges will be me, myself and I. dry.gif Blatant lame rip-off I know.

Contest will close when 10 entries are made (or maybe more if Im hopeful, flexible) or in 8 days (definite).

If anyone wishes to donate to the contest, then feel free, post in this topic and state amount...

Posted by: Penguin Jan 18 2004, 06:20 PM
Since I'm such a pleasant chap, and I don't want to see this flounder, I'll toss in a 50,000 gil bonus on top of the 10,000 ^^

Posted by: null Jan 18 2004, 06:28 PM
ok,so exactly what are we supposed to do?

Posted by: Penguin Jan 18 2004, 06:30 PM
Heh, dead for a while, then at the first mention of gil, a response. From what I understand, you need to write a story, and include that section that Sweets has in it somewhere. Post it here when you're done, and she'll pick the best one.

Posted by: Sake Jan 18 2004, 06:44 PM
I'll enter but um how long do you want the story? huh.gif

~Rem happy.gif

Posted by: Penguin Jan 18 2004, 06:48 PM
(Sorry to Sweets for being helpful in case I screw something up when I'm explaining stuff to people)

I'd say... As long as you want. But, the longer and more descriptive, well written, etc, the better your chance of winning ^^ Unless of course you just have one incredibly funny joke that makes Sweets fall out of her chair laughing..

Posted by: Denim Jan 18 2004, 07:00 PM
Good... I need cash so I can have a reputation? Nah... I just want cash.

"Good Morning Mr. Penguin, how lovely to see you, do sit down"
*Pen attempts to sit down but is unable to due to awakardness (Spelling Sweets, now judge yourself!) caused by non-flying bird anatomy*
"*cough* Id rather not, Thanks"
"Do you have The Fish?"
"Let me see my Completed Project first."

"Here it is," a seal said, as he moved to the left, and took a piece of paper from where he stood. He handed it to the penguin who had looked over it. He was a regular looking penguin, he was a member of the POoWD, or Penguin Organization of World Dominators.

"Hmm... Hey! You forgot to mension many things!" The enraged Penguin yelled out, as he looked at a blueprint.

"Its a blue print, you idiot, its not suppoused to mension things to advertise it!" yelled an intelligent seal in reply, as he shook his head.

"It was a part of the project." The penguin retorded to the seal.

"Jee, I don't see this in the letter." The seal moved to the right, revealing an envalope. Somehow the seal managed to open it, and read.

"'Dr George Sealich, I wish to request from you a good blue print of the flying mechanism for us, flightless birds. In reward you get a nice, large, juicy, fish.

- Signed, James the Penguin" The seal read the letter outloud, very loudly, too.

"I can't believe I forgot! I suck at making speeches!" The Penguin yelled out, and began pacing around. "How am I going to present this to the POoWD without a speech!? Hell, I don' even know how the damn thing works!" The penguin reached behind him and grabbed a large trout which mesteriously was behind him, all along. "You get this fish, if you do the speech on this, too!"

"You birds and your cheapness... Fine! Be back tomorow, and I expect that fish, to be really, really, good!"

The Penguin walked out of the igloo, to encounter an old aquintence of his, Dan the Pelican.

" 'sup dawg? How are ya doin' man?" Dan said as he landed on the snow next to penguin.

"Well... I am still working on my Project for the POoWD," said James, "But I guess its alright. So... how is stealing fish from humans going?"

"I stole lotsa crap today, homies... The stuff these humans hide in this fish, is the ##### man."

"I can see that... umm.. what exactly is it? Some kind of a special fish organ, or something?" James asked.

"Naw, maaan... its like...sea weed... only bettah..." Dan replied. "I'll get some fo ya, if you tell me what the POoWD, are up to."

"Its tops secret, I can't tell you," said James. For a moment it was silent, until Dan began running around James. "TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" he screamed, as he ran, the snow hit the poor nun-like creature with a beak.

"Alright! Calm down! Jesus, you are acting as if you just hatched out of an egg... We are developing a flying machine... I am working on the blue print!"

"kkkkkkkkkkk....duuuudee...fascinating..." the Pelican said, and flied off, "I'm gonna go get you some of the ##### the human's hide in fish.... Ohhhmaaaaan" the bird fell a few times, flied off again, fell... and finally flew in the direction of the Sea Port. Evantually he came back holding two fish in his mouth. He spat one out, and ate the other one...

"This is the stuff, dude..."

"I get it, from how many times you've said it." The Penguin took the fish, and swallowed it... soon he began feeling dizy, seeing doubles.

"Shite man... this IS the #####... I want mooooreee..."

"I kniw maan..." And so the two spent the night, eating this fish stuffed with a better sea weed, the seal, evantually came out, noticing the two friends laying on the ground talking about nonesence..

"Dudeee..." said James, "When we , Penguins take over the world... we are so gonna drink from that whirwind maker that humans like to sit on... I mean...whattawasteawatter,man..."

"What the hell are you two dumbasses doing! James! You've got a meeting in two hours! Where is my fish?!" Dr. George yelled.

"Hey man... I'll go get you some," Said Dan and flew away. In a while, he too, was just like the two boys. Suddnely, James rushed off to the POoWD meeting, although he was still... err... dizzy.

When he had ran into the auditorium, people starred at him...

"I invented 'dis ##### that will make us, Nuns, the dominent species of the...the... spherical thingy many crap lives on... its like... this... flying thingy..." James began rambling, "That can fly... and that flying thingy, will make us the domininat species... hey... di' you kno' that there is this fish... that can make you like... act all goofy an crap. We should liek... make, and..err...people use this stuff must."

Evantually, the people got bored of his redunduncies, and the annoying pauses he made, and began to boo him, throw tomatoes at him. He ran off the stage, and met up with Dan, again.

"Duuude, how did it go?" Dan said.

"Dude, they love me, dawg..."


I am so winning this.

Posted by: null Jan 18 2004, 07:37 PM
ok here i go...

*penguin gets the report,it says*"agent 000(aka penguin) a super secret fish has been stolen from our facility in alaska,it is very top secret,you must get it back ASAP"..."oh boy"said penguin,i gotto go back to alaska...


*penguin is flying to alaska,and gets another fax* it said"we have confermed that the fish is in alaska,in the northern region" "uh-oh"said penguin,he was thinking of some people that lived there...


he was in front of the the evil stealer persons lair,penguin mumbled "mommys and dadas house...",penguin walked in through the front door,there was his dads,with his belt,agent 000 pulled out his anti-dada weapon and started shooting,his dad did a matrix move and kicked penguin into the bathroom,his dad said"time to take a bath..."noooooo" yelled penguin and takled his dad,penguin was so good at takling that he stood up and did a victory dance,after he had tied his dad with with duck(hence the name)tape and turned on the 24 hour ophra chanel,he walked up stairs,he was next to his door,he opened the door ,and there was his mommy,with a spinach and broccoli gun,she said"time to eat your vegatables..." and penguin responded"whats with old people and their corny lines anyway?" his mom started shooting,penguin got a bit of brocoli and spinach in his mouth,he spat it out and was about to takle his mom,but she said"you wouldnt hurt a girl would you?,and penguin said your right,ill just throw this,and he opened a bag of dirty laundry and threw the clothes all over his room,his mommy screamed and started picking up everything and blabed about responsibility and highgene...


agent 000 had looked everywhere, he was just about to give up,when he saw his underwear drawer,he opened it and there it was,the super secret fish,he left his house with his mommy cleaning and his dada watching opera...


"Good Morning Mr. Penguin, how lovely to see you, do sit down"
*Pen attempts to sit down but is unable to due to awakardness caused by non-flying bird anatomy*
"*cough* Id rather not, Thanks"
"Do you have The Fish?"
"Let me see my Completed Project first."
1.get into house
2.get fish
3.go to HQ
4.give back fish
5.get paid
penguin said"yes i have it"
the scientist asked for the fish
penguin said"we have a problem"
the scientist asked what it was
penguin said"well,i was hungry on the plane,and they didnt have any food so..."

ya i know corny,but hey its all i could do

Posted by: Tiki Shaman Jan 18 2004, 08:51 PM
Penguin walked into a dimly lit office. At the desk in front of him, a man with a large moustache sat facing the outside window. He smelled of coffee and cigars. "Good morning, Mr. Penguin." He turned in his swivel chair and stared at Pen with his hands clasped together. "How lovely to see you, please, do sit down."

Pen attempted to sit down, but was unable to due to awkwardness caused by non-flying bird anatomy. He coughed and replyed, "I'd rather not, thanks..."

Pen straightened up and said, "Do you have 'The Fish'?"

The man in the chair chuckled and replied, "Let me see my completed project first."

Pen picked up the suitcase he was carrying and layed it atop the desk. The man in the chair watched intently as Pen opened the briefcase, revealing a small, glowing rock. The man in the chair smiled evilly and sat back in his chair.

He chuckled, then said, "I am very much pleased... you have done well in bringing this to me. But, I am afraid that you will receive no fish."

The man in the chair snapped his fingers and 5 ninjas emerged from the shadows of the room. Pen looked around in shock as the man in the chair grabbed the briefcase and stood from his chair. "I will now be taking this with me. My ninjas will escort you... out." With another snap of his fingers, the ninjas leaped upon Penguin and subdued him quickly. As the man in the chair walked away, his voice resounded throughout the room as the ninjas pummeled him. "No hard feelings, Mr Penguin. It's simply business..." The last sight Pen saw before passing out was the man in the chair opening a panel in the wall and ascending a staircase. As the sound of helicopter rotors began to hum, everything turned black...

Several hours later, Pen woke up and found himself inside a dumpster outside the building he was just in. He climbed out, brushed himself off, and pulled out his Cell Phone.

The line at the other end picked up. "Hello?"

Pen spoke with a distinct dire in his voice. "HLOG! It's Pen. I'm in deep shyt, man..."

Hlog replied with his usual smugness. "Did you get caught up with another hooker?"

Pen grew pissed. "Dammit! I was just cheated by that Mafia guy! He took the secret formula without giving me the goddamn 'Fish'! Then he got his ninjas to attack me as he got away!"

Hlog suddenly grew concerned. "What? Are you serious!? All right, I'll get Tiki and Furious and be there in about 10 minutes. Stay where you are."

Pen hung up the phone and began to pace. 15 minutes later, HLOG, with Tiki and Furious, showed up in his hot pink '86 Pinto and as soon as Pen jumped in, blasted down the road.

Suddenly, Tiki chimed in from nowhere. "I got him! He's on an island about 10 miles southeast of here."

HLOG braced himself against his seat. "Everybody hold on!!!" He pushed a lever up on the console and the 'Little Pinto that Could', turned into the 'Fighter Jet from Hell'!

They rocketed off of the street and blasted through the sky towards the island. Suddenly, out of nowhere, missiles gave pursuit to the jet. Furi unbuckled his belt and said, "I'll handle this." Furi opened the sunroof, hopped out, and turned back to see three missiles gaining ground. He pulled out a knife and flung it at one, causing it to crash into the sea. He then blasted a second one with a water blast, causing an explosion that rocked the jet, but did no damage. However, Furi had lost his footing and now hung by one hand from the fuselage. Tiki looked out the sunroof to see Furi hanging for his life, the missile seconds away from smashing into them, and the shore of the island emerging on the horizon. He had no time, so he lunged for Furi, grasped his hand, and pulled him in just as the missile smashed into the back of the jet. The fuselage burst into flames and plummeted to the ground as the 4 brothers abandoned ship and dived out of the windows...

Several minutes later, the brother gathered on the beach where HLOG's Pinto now lie as a smoldering heap of scrap...

HLOG fell to his knees and began to weep. "I still had 12 payments due on that thing... *sob*"

As Furi walked over to comfort him, Pen and Tiki surveyed their surroundings. In the distance, they could see a set of metal doors hidden in the brush. The 4 brothers walked up to the doors. The others stood back as Tiki charged his energy and released it from his staff, blasting the doors off their hinges. Suddenly, sirens began to scream.

"Real subtle." Pen rolled his eyes and walked into the complex, followed by HLOG and Furi.

Tiki flipped him off and replied, "Screw you. At least we're in.", and followed them in as well.

Inside, they came to a long hallway, lined by statues of stone. Suddenly, at the other end, a pair of wooden doors opened, and a band of ninjas emerged and spread out across the hall. The brothers smiled and went 4 separate ways.

HLOG dashed out to the left, screaming as he drew his sword and hacked several ninjas into bite-size chucks, while screaming, "This is for my Pinto, bitch!!!"

Furi ran out in the middle of the hall, to the left, and grabbed a candlestick holder, which he used as a pivoting point to spin around, kicking off of several ninjas' faces for momentum.

Tiki jumped into the air, and flew down the middle of the room, disintegrating random ninjas as he went along.

And Pen ran down the right, utterly owning any ninja that dared to cross his path.

After all the ninjas lie bleeding on the floor, the 4 brothers gathered in front of the wooden doors. They were locked, but Pen quickly fixed that by kicking the door in, allowing the brothers to walk in casually. The man in the chair sat stunned as a small puddle spread across his leather seat.

HLOG leaned against the wall, and Tiki and Furi stood to either side of the man in the chair as Pen walked up and put his foot up on the desk. "Now, I believe you have something I want?"

The man in the chair winced and cowered before the might of 4 brothers combined, and gave in easily to their combined ownage. "Ye..yeah. Of course! I'm so sorry. Please... don't own me." Pen smiled as the man in the chair produced the suitcase and handed it to him. As the man in the chair began to cry, Pen spoke...

"Hey. No hard feelings. It's simply business, right?" The man in the chair sat up shocked as Pen pulled his hand back and backhanded him across the mouth. He stood there... stunned by the utter ownage, as his cheek began to throb. The 4 brothers laughed as they walked out, with suitcase in tow. Finally, the man in the chair sunk to the ground, and keeled over dead, smited from ownage.


So let this be a lesson to all who would cross the Brothers of Ownage. Don't mess with us... cuz we own you. biggrin.gif

Posted by: Reign Of Chaos Jan 18 2004, 11:04 PM

Alarms going off ,bullets flying everywhere as Mr. Penguin is doing a job at the national fish bank. He runs out the back door, with a briefcase full of fish he hear’s the penguin cops. Mr. Penguin takes a zippy bag and takes the rare jet black fish only 10 left in the world and puts the fish in the zippy bag and then sallow it down Smack! Mr. Penguin is down on the ground. He sees a penguin cop and watches him take the briefcase. Mr. Penguin wakes up, hand cuffs and in a police vehicle. He also notices some other penguin in there with him, he looks really old. All of a sudden he hears the brakes being slam! Bullets are going off and then Mr. Penguin sees the toughest looking penguin ever open the door. “Let’s go boss”, he says. Mr. Penguin jumps out and follows and asks if he can come. The boss says, “fine”. As their driving to the place Mr. Penguin finds out he’s with the Russian mafia.

The boss tells Mr. Penguin, that he has work for him to do. Mr. Penguin has no other choice, the boss just saved him from jail. They get to their place. It’s a huge mansion. The boss gets out and has two of his penguin take Mr. Penguin to some place to sleep. Mr. Penguin gets to this bright room with a nice warm bed. The two peguin say, “get some sleep you’ll need it”. Mr. Penguin goes to sleep wondering what is in store for him and thinks, if he should of stayed in the police truck. As Mr. Penguin is sleeping peacefully, the doors slam open. Two of the bosses penguin drag him out of bed. “Get your clothes on”, one said. Then the other guy says, “the boss wants you down stairs in five minutes.” Mr. Penguin gets dress and goes down stairs. He sees the boss in a big soft chair, Mr. Penguin takes a seat right next to him. The boss tells Mr. Penguin he has a job for him to do and if he completes it, he’sone of the family.He tells Mr. Penguin that the Cuban mafia is having a meeting at the top of a parking lot garage. He wants Mr. Penguin to steal one of their vehicles and get into their gang clothes. Also wants Mr. Penguin to break into the place and get to the top and run a guy over. He gives Mr. Penguin a picture of the person he wants him to kill. The boss says, “getting out of there is your problem.” Mr. Penguin gets on the job right away, sense he has two hours till the meeting begins.

Mr. Penguin starts not to feel good from stuffing the rare jet black fish into his stomach. One of the bosses boys drops Mr. Penguin off a block away. It’s time for Mr. Penguin to get to work. Mr. Penguin starts walking casually, Mr. Penguin gets to the parking lot garage. He then sees two Cuban penguin construction workers and they have the place block off. Mr. Penguin goes away a little and gets to one of the workers trucks. He sees a hammer and picks it up. Now it’s some bashing time. Mr. Penguin gets behind one of the Cuban construction workers and hits him right in the head. He’s either dead or out cold. The other Cuban construction worker tackles Mr. Penguin to the ground, the hammer is knock to the side. The penguin almost beats Mr. Penguin to an inch. of his life. With all his strength Mr. Penguin grab’s the hammer and hits the guy right in the forehead. The guy starts going in shock and theirs blood everywhere, soon he’s dead. Mr. Penguin hides the two bodies into a near bush.

Mr. Penguin is now inside "ime to get to work"As Mr. Penguin is inside he sees nobody else but a bunch of Cuban cars. Mr. Penguin keeps pulling door after door. Finally finds one unlock. This is Mr. Penguin’s lucky day, the owner of the car has a Cuban mafia suit from the dry cleaners. Mr. Penguin puts it on, a little tight but it will do. Mr. Penguin gets down under the steering wheel and hot wires the car. Mr. Penguin drives slowly to the top, he sees the whole meeting. He brings out the picture and starts to look for him. He finds him talking to some other guy. Mr. Penguin stomach starts to feel even worse. “Here goes nothing” , Mr. Penguin said. He slams his foot on the gas and goes to run over the target. The Cuban mafia sees him and bullets start flying everywhere. The Cubans are confused sense it’s one of their own men or so they think. Mr. Penguin runs him over and then all the sudden Mr. Penguin throws up all over himself and the car starts going out of control. Mr. Penguin runs over another guy and then goes over the roof. The car is flying in the air. It lands on the street, the tires are all blown. Mr. Penguin gets out of the car and try’s to fly but forgets that he can’t, so he decides to run for his life.

As he’s running a car pulls up and somebody says, “get in.” In relief it’s the boss and a few of his penguin’s. The boss tells Mr. Penguin that he did a good job but…
Mr. Penguin is like huh? “you killed one of our penguin”, said the boss. Mr. Penguin finds out there were two spies that were there. Must have been that guy Mr. Penguin ran over after he threw up all over himself and the car. The boss tells
Mr. Penguin, “you take a life of one of our boys, we take a life of one of yours. Then the boss says, “sense you’re the only one of your boys we shall take your life”. Then the boss says “ any last words?” Mr. Penguin’s stomach starts to act up again and Mr. Penguin says I don’t feel so… Mr. Penguin throws up all over the boss and the boss drops his gun. Mr. Penguin opens the door and jumps out. “Get
him now”, said the boss the car slams to a stop and the boss and his penguin run after Mr. Penguin.

Now Mr. Penguin is running with his Cuban suit still on with throw up if you still remember. A Cuban car is driving and then somebody in the car says “hey that’s one of our boys.” Then they see the Russian boss and a few of his penguin chasseing Mr. Penguin. They jump out of their car and bust out some automatic weapons. Now there is a huge gang fight in the middle of the street with the Cuban penguin’s and the Russian penguin’s. Mr. Penguin runs to safety while the two gangs battle it out. Mr. Penguin sees the cops drive right pass him. “It’s the cops”, one of the gang people said. The Russian penguin’s make a run for it, but the Cuban penguin’s don’t care and keep shooting their guns. The boss of the penguin Russian mafia is hit and is down on the ground. The Cuban penguin’s get out of there and the Russian penguin’s try to help the boss but it’s to late the penguin cops surround them. The penguin cops take the boss’s men down. By the time the paramedic’s got there the boss and his penguin’s were dead. That night after the penguin cops were gone and things have settled down Mr. Penguin got to a phone(should of done this sooner) and called his boss, “I have the.. Mr. Penguin throws up again but lucky this time the zippy bag comes out with the rare jet black fish in it. “what’s going on?” said the boss. Mr. penguin says, “nothing.” His boss said meet me at the café on 23rd street and midway. The next day at the café Mr. Penguin sees his boss and walks towards him.

Good Morning Mr. Penguin, how lovely to see you, do sit down"
*Pen attempts to sit down but is unable to due to awakardness caused by non-flying bird anatomy*
"*cough* Id rather not, Thanks"
"Do you have The Fish?"
"Let me see my Completed Project first."

The boss says, “of course’ he slides a check for 2millon fish. “Now where’s the fish said, Mr. Penguin’s boss. Mr. Penguin hands him the rare jet black fish in the zippy bag. “what’s that funny smell” says, his boss, don’t ask. A job well done for Mr. Penguin. The next day Mr. Penguin goes to the national fish bank to cash in his check for 2million fish. Mr. Penguin isn’t very bright because this just so happens to be the same national fish bank he rob but Mr. Penguin must of forgot, all he cares about is his check for 2million fish. A penguin guard notices him and tackles him down. Mr. Penguin try’s to escape but can’t! Your under arrest says the penguin guard and he clips his wings (but what good would this do anyways). Mr. Penguin just now remembers that this was the bank he robbed. They hall Mr. Penguin this time with police vehicles all over him. After giving his check for 2million fish as a bribe to the police penguin chief, Mr. Penguin was let off free with the penguin police chief saying, “it was the wrong guy.” Mr. Penguin left the country after this and went back to the north pole where he lives his days now catching fish for a living instead of stealing them. THE END

I hope you enjoy

Posted by: Denim Jan 19 2004, 06:10 AM
*shivers at the knowledge of his fic being owned... and the entire rip off of Tiki's fic, who didn't even have the logo.*

can I, uh, edit mine?

Posted by: Sweets Jan 19 2004, 01:29 PM
Sure, Edit, but not past the deadline =P

Thanks alot Pen, I think you should help me with the judging etc . After all this is YOUR contest... lol

(Sorry to Sweets for being helpful in case I screw something up when I'm explaining stuff to people)

I'd say... As long as you want. But, the longer and more descriptive, well written, etc, the better your chance of winning ^^ Unless of course you just have one incredibly funny joke that makes Sweets fall out of her chair laughing..

Well said... Right then. *stares at 50,000 gil* I need to commission a trophy or a banner.

Posted by: Penguin Jan 19 2004, 02:06 PM
MY contest? o.O

You came up with it, you posted it, this is your contest ^^

Posted by: Reiz Jan 19 2004, 08:40 PM
I like the idea, but hate how it has a gil reward and needs to be a story, otherwise, you'd get one of my nice rants with those phrases in it at key points.

Posted by: Sweets Jan 20 2004, 12:56 PM
I like the idea, but hate how it has a gil reward and needs to be a story, otherwise, you'd get one of my nice rants with those phrases in it at key points.

*promptly sentences him to death* jk.

Thats okay, I only said the entry has to feature that quote in it. (and how can I get any entries if I dont offer gil? Still openings for the banner and/or trophy though!) This contest is mainly for my amusement =P (and other dreamers)
Since it is for my amusement, I think ill give bonuses to any toher entries that I think deserve some credit too.

Adelaine, could you pin this up? Dont want anyone to miss the chance at gil lol

Posted by: Tiki Shaman Jan 20 2004, 01:25 PM
Btw, just wanted to say thanks, Sweets. Because of my writing for this contest, I've re-sparked my dormant creative flame. Don't bother counting me in for the Gil, I'm just happy to have written this story and gotten back into prime condition. I could care less about the Gil. ^^

Posted by: High Lord Of Geezards Jan 20 2004, 01:27 PM
Tiki's story rocked....I command that it wins, to honour the death of my poor, poor Pinto! v___v For that work of art, that masterpiece, that raw awesomeness not to win is a grave injustice against us all. Plus, it had the brothers of ownage, instantly making it..own. >__>

Posted by: Reiz Jan 20 2004, 02:19 PM
QUOTE (Sweets @ Jan 20 2004, 12:56 PM)
I like the idea, but hate how it has a gil reward and needs to be a story, otherwise, you'd get one of my nice rants with those phrases in it at key points.

*promptly sentences him to death* jk.

Thats okay, I only said the entry has to feature that quote in it. (and how can I get any entries if I dont offer gil? Still openings for the banner and/or trophy though!) This contest is mainly for my amusement =P (and other dreamers)
Since it is for my amusement, I think ill give bonuses to any toher entries that I think deserve some credit too.

Adelaine, could you pin this up? Dont want anyone to miss the chance at gil lol

I'll start thinking of something creative to put those lines into. Perhaps I will write a story, I don't do them much.

Posted by: Penguin Jan 20 2004, 09:18 PM
If my opinion matters at all to our wonderful judge, I vote for Tiki ^^
The bit with the ownage was certainly a wonderful part.... I read it twice, and it was still good, except the part where I was owned by some wussy ninjas >.>

Posted by: Shadows of essence Jan 20 2004, 09:47 PM
Seems like a nice Idea you have here Sweets. I would like to submit an entry, but I'm busy tonight creating a post to keep my dying RP alive over in the RPG section of the forum. I'm busy as school most of tommorow, but I should be able to get something in tommorow night. Hopefully, the contest will still be open. smile.gif

Maybe if I try hard, I can sway Penguin's opinion. smile.gif No offence Tiki. smile.gif

WEll I got home from school about an hour ago (8 pm) and I'm wiped so I will not be able to get a post in tongiht. But I get home around 3pm CST tomorow so I'll get a submission in then. I actually have it all mapped out and outlined, just need to type it up.

Posted by: Adelaine Jan 22 2004, 12:42 AM
haha.gif Sounds like a lot of fun.

I feel like entering. happy.gif. I haven't read the other replies yet (and I won't until I finish my entry).

That is, if I make it on time. pissed.gif. Can't make promises. I know some of you wish you've got lives, but trust me, when you do, you'll wish you had free time again...

Anyway, best of luck to everyone!

Posted by: Sweets Jan 22 2004, 12:50 PM
lol okay. *looks disappointed at her contest not being pinned up*

Reminder: Presentation (paragraphs, spelling etc) counts significantly with me. Please be careful. (I will sentence you to death for that missing comma *evil laughter* just kidding)

Posted by: Shadows of essence Jan 23 2004, 12:42 AM
A warning before you read this. This is LONG. It is 7 pages on 12pt font on my machine. So go get yourself a snack before you start reading.

I have used the brotherhood of owning in my story. Hope no one minds smile.gif

Also, please forgive me for any grammar or spelling mistakes. I will try to correct them tomorrow night when I get home. It’s 1:30 am and I need to get up in less than 7 hours and go to work.

As a favor to me, if you finish reading this, please either post or PM with comments. Good or bad. I would like to know what you think of this.

A door opened. A rather large penguin waddled into the dimly light room. It seemed to be a den of some sort. A cushy leather sofa nudged elbows with a rather large bookcase along the right wall. An old fashion oak roll top desk sat on the left side, adorned with several reading lights. Papers lie scattered all over the desk, a sign of a disorganized mind. The only source of light in the room emanated from a lone lamp on a regular desk at the far end of the room. The light took on an amber glow as it passed through the lampshade, further adding to the cozy and relaxed atmosphere of the room.

A woman in her late twenties sat in a rotating captain’s chair. She gave the penguin a level stare as she brushed a stray strand of auburn hair from her face. She closed the folder she had been perusing and purposefully placed it upon her desk, neatly folding her hands over it. With a small smirk she greeted her avian guest. “Hello, Mr. Penguin.”

“Just call me Penguin.” Penguin responded with a dismissing wave of a flipper. He proceeded to nonchalantly waddle into the room. “Why am I here?”

“Because the CIA needs your unique talents.” Penguin’s doubting look caused her to elaborate. “More specifically, someone with your talents, that is not connected to the government.”

Penguin chuckled. “Alright now explain why I would agree. The Temple of ownage has problems of it’s own that it needs to deal with.”

“Ah, yes, your temple has had some rather nasty run-ins with god mods as of late, no?” The woman let her smile blatantly show.

“That is nothing to be proud of. Everyone knows the Temple, is always dealing with god mods, among other things. Trivial knowledge doesn’t impress me.”

“What if we could make the fight easier?” Penguin’s head perked up at this. “We have been working on a little something to address that problem.”

Confused, Penguin had to speak up. “Why is the CIA working on something to deal with god moders?”

The woman tilter her head to the side, letting her air fall to the side, partially hiding her face. “You think the Temple of Ownage are the only one who have to deal with them.” A grin, partial blocked by hair, proceed her continuing. “You do not know what annoying is until you shoot someone dead only to have them cry out ‘With super speed I dodged it!’ And jump back on their feet. Then they try some weird move that atomizes half a city block.” He face grew grave. ”We have lost to many agent to the god moders. So we gathered some of the greatest minds we could to develop something to counter act their cheating powers. We are willing to give you a copy of the device in return for your services.”

“What exactly does this device do?” Penguin asked doubtfully.

Her eyes dipped low and a slight blush appeared in her cheeks. “We do not know. The people working on it are still designing it. They are not revealing any details either. They are guaranteeing it will work though.”

Penguin laughed and began walking out. “Yeah, call me when you have something more concrete.”

“Oh well.” The unnamed woman let out with a sigh. “Guess I’ll just have to tell Shadows you do not trust his work.”

The retreating penguin stopped. “Shadows of Essence?”

“Yes. He is one of the people we got to work on this project.” A frown graced her features. “He is also being the most tip lipped about what he is doing.”

Penguin chuckled. “Yeah, he wouldn’t talk about something he isn’t sure about. If he guarantees it will work, I’ll take his word for it. Alright, what is it you want me to do.”

With a grin, the woman slid the folder on her desk towards Penguin. Picking the folder up with his flippers and leafed through it’s contents as she spoke. “About a week a ago FISH was stole. Fusion-powered Isolinear Submarine Hyper-drive. It is the first self contained fusion reactor ever developed. Specifically designed for using in a Specter class submarine. It not only is a clean power source, it allows the submarine to exceed the speed of the fastest cruisers in the world.”

“Impressive.” Penguin commented as he looked over the photographs of the device. “Is it really this small?”

“Yes, about the size of a large marlin, hence the name. We have tracked the device to the a submarine in the Pacific. We can not go after it, because if we get caught with the device, the international community would be very displeased that we put such a powerful device in a machine of war. We need you to retrieve the device and return it discretely. We suspect either the god moders or the noobs that stole the submarine.”

“Alright I’m in. I would not like to see either group with equipment like that. I take it you have the location of the sub?”

The woman nodded, and slipped Penguin map with the sub clearly marked. “For some reason it has stopped moving.”

“Very well.” Penguin turned around on waddled out of the room. Back in the hallway of CIA headquarters in Langely Virginia, the sterile, spartan environment stood in stark contrast to the cozy den Penguin had just left.

HLOG was leaning up against a wall, chatting up a rather attractive CIA agent in a very short skirt. With sigh Penguin waddled over and tried to dissuade his brother’s lust. “Do not forget the goddess.”

Surprised, HLOG responded as he slapped himself repeatedly to drive away his thoughts. “Oh my goddess!” Turning to the woman he quickly devised a way to get rid of her. “Sorry you look like you have measles and my Pinto passed away recently so I do not think I’m really to deal with frogs just yet. “ Confused, the woman stood speechless as HLOG and Penguin walked away.

“So,” HLOG asked, “do you got a mission for us to do or did you tell them to swim in the ravioli soup?

“Yes, we got a mission. I’ll tell you about it on the way.”

Hours later after taking a flight to San Diego and stealing a boat at finger point (HLOG’s). The two were far out into the Pacific Ocean. Miami Vice music blaring from the boats stereo, they approached the spot where the submarine was supposed to be.
Somewhere along the line HLOG had grown some scruff on his face and had changed into a white suit with a pink undershirt and matching sunglasses. Penguin remained silent, it was something to distract HLOG from his hormones.

“Ill be back in a bit, this should not take long.” Penguin dove into the cold water of the Pacific Ocean. Diving deep, Penguin flew through the water with the grace of an eagle. Various type of sea life swam past him as he dove ever deeper, but lunch would have to wait for another time. Deeper and deeper Penguin dove, the light being filtered out by the water above. Running out of breath and reaching the limits of what pressure his body could stand, Penguin was relieved to see his target. The submarine was moving a bit slowly for something that was supposed to be the fastest ship in the world. But, Penguin put that though aside as he quickened his pace to intercept the vessel.

Swimming in a corkscrew pattern around the submarine, Penguin scanned the hull for a way in. Figuring a torpedo tube would be his best bet, Penguin paused when he saw the hatch on the top of the sub.God moders or noobs, eh? Let’s hope it’s noobs, I won’t be able to hold my breath much longer. Penguin deftly swarm toward the hatch, the idea in his head bursting to get out. Knocking three times, Penguin said as clearly as he could underwater, “I have five pizzas for a… Walter Logged Tiwt?.” A few seconds passed before Penguin heard the sounds of the wheel locking the hatch turning from the inside. Noobs, Penguin thought to himself with a underwater chuckle.

The hatch opened, flooding several compartments on the sub, and whooshing Penguin into the sub. Acting quickly, Penguin grabbed onto the ladder leading to the hatch and closed it behind him, sealing it shut. As the water receded to a lower part of the ship, Penguin took a gratifying and needed breath of air. With a smile he slid down the ladder, eager to start this mission right.

Several noobs, sitting in waist deep water, were looking around wondering what had happened. “Pizza anyone?” Penguin said with a grin as he did a forward flip and landed webbed feet first on one of the noob’s faces slamming his head into the metal floor. The other two noobs gathering they were under attack, jumped up and prepared to defend themselves. Penguin, knowing he had the advantage in the water, merely stood and made ready to defend. For several second neither side moved. Penguin not wanting to attack, baited them. “Da$% noobs.”

Enraged at being called noobs the two charged forward. The neon green haired female being the faster, arrived first. Swinging with greater speed than he had expected, the girl connected with a vicious cross cut. Propelled back several feet, Penguins body caused waves to ripple in the water. Stopping himself, Penguin paused and rubbed the side of his face with a flipper. He would not underestimate her a second time. The girl charged forward, fist raised above her head. “I love Britney Spears! Her Music rocks! Her music inspires me to dance!”

Dodging to the side, Penguin avoided the girl’s fast, albeit clumsy blow. Penguin slammed a flipper deep into the girl stomach, knocking the wind from her lungs. Penguin then reached up and grabbed the collar of the girl’s shirt, pulling her closer to his smaller frame. With his other flipper, Penguin delivered a flurry strike of slaps to the girl’s face, making her head spin. Reaffirming his grip on her shirt he tossed her to the side. Her dizzy form slowly sank below the water. “Sorry, lady. Wrong forum. I’m afraid I have to move this topic.”

The other noob at seeing his friend dispatched so easily, stood back. “wht? I do knot udrstnd? Y are we defeeted so easily? I no I am stringer than U!”

Launching himself forward, Penguin moved through the water like a torpedo. The noob stood like a deer caught in headlights. With a resounding “WHAP”, Penguin plowed into the noob launching the poor guy straight out of the water and into a wall. Rubbing his head slightly, Penguin swam off down the corridor, mumbling something about spellcheckers.

Penguin encountered similar resistance as he mad his way though the ship. But noobs were more annoying than dangerous, they proved no threat to Penguin. Still, as he fought his way to the lower decks of the ship he grappled with the fact that this group had stolen a Specter class submarine and a top secret engine. How could a simple group of noobs accomplish something like this? Something here is fishy. Mmmmm Fish. As he went on Penguin had to waddle his way through the ship, because the water had drained away.

Things were going fine, until Penguin turned a blind corner. Suddenly he was enveloped in darkness. Something tackled him, hard. Landing hard on the deck plates, he could do nothing to remove the weight that held him to the floor.

“Wait, this not a noob.”

“Yeah, smell like fish.”

It was then, Penguin realized he was not being held down by something , but by many small somethings. Squirming and wriggling, Penguin managed to free his beak of the blanket of things laying on him. “GET OFF OF ME!”

“Penguin!?! Quick everyone off.”

Almost instantly the weight was gone. Groggy and slightly disoriented, Penguin sat up and faced his would be assailants. About twenty or so marmosets stood before him, all wearing ninja costumes. Confused, Penguin watched on with wide eyes as one marmoset stepped forward.

“1000 apologies, Penguin. We did not know it was you.”

“An army of ninja marmosets?” Penguin asked incredulously.

“Yes, sir.” The lead marmoset replied. “We were sent here by our master to stop the thieves. But, we were unable to defeat their leader. The best we could do was stop the sub, by taking out the pilots.”

Well, that explains why the sub isn’t moving. “What do you mean their leader?”

“These noobs are being lead by a very powerful person. All our skills were to no avail against him. He is in the engine room, guarding the FISH.”

“Let me worry about him.” Penguin said. “Do me a favor will you? Make sure there is a clear path from the engine room to one of those escape subs I saw on the second deck. When I pull the engine, this heap is going to sink fast.”

Bowing, the head marmoset spoke. “It shall be done.” In a flash, the ninja army had vanished. Slightly bewildered Penguin quickly waddled towards the engine room. Why did those guys act like they knew me?

The roar of churning machinery consumed the engine room as Penguin entered. Ducking under metal pipes that crisscrossed the room, Penguin made his was deeper into the room. As he made his way further and further into the dark, humid room, Penguin noticed light coming from ahead. The rodents said the main bad guy was in here, but there is no one here. Penguin slowed his pace and made sure to check behind him often. Finally Penguin got within sight of the source of the illumination. That would be the FISH Penguin thought to himself as he recognized the device from the photographs.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you have that.” A voice boomed. Looking up Penguin saw a stringy young man tightly gripping the pipes surrounding the ceiling. Letting go the man fell towards Penguin. Penguin merely stood still knowing the man would not land on him. But, half-way down , the man extended his leg, and with the aid of gravity, delivered a massive kick to the side of Penguin’s head. “I also like that” The man quipped with a smile. Quickly closing in, the man once again reached out with his long legs and delivered a savage roundhouse that sent Penguin flying. “Ha, Ha I totally agree.” The man said as he launched himself into the air and landed feet first onto the prone Penguin.

Penguin rolled away, his ribs aching. How is this guy so good? I can’t seem to stop him! “FF7 Sucks!” The man said as he charged Penguin. That’s it! Penguin cried to himself as he figured out the source of the man’s powers. He a freaking spammer! Armed with this knowledge, Penguin was able to roll to his feet and avoid the incoming attack. But, mere knowledge of a spammer is not enough to defeat one, Penguin knew this. He was going to have to drawn upon a special power.

“I call upon the power of CHI, KYO, and all the other mods to strike you down!” Penguin yelled as he rushed the spammer. His flipper glowed with an eerie blue light as it streaked through the air. The spammer was fast enough to block, but Penguin’s glowing flipper burned straight though the man’s arm and buried itself into his chest.

A picture of pure agony appeared upon the spammer face as the power of the mods coursed through his spindly frame. His body writhed and convulsed as the energy burned away at his virtual soul. “NO! NO! YOU CAN’T BAN ME!” The spammer cried as his body turned to ash in front of Penguin.

The next day in Langley, Virgina Penguin once again opened the door leading into the cozy den he had seen the day before.

“Ah, Mister Penguin, how lovely to see you, do sit down”

Pen atemped to sit down, in the chiar indicated, but was unable to due to the akwardness caused by non-flying bird anatomy. With a cough, Penguin merely replied, “I’d rather not thanks.”

“Do you have the FISH?”

“Let me see my completed project first.” Penguin insisted.

Once again blushing, the woman sheepishly grinned. “I do not think it’s done yet.”

Penguin’s anger became quickly apparent. In a rage, he stepped toward the desk, and angrily opened his mouth to yell at the woman.
“Calm yourself.” A voice in the shadows requested of him. “The device was completed a few hours ago.”

Turning around, Penguin watched as the shadows in the room slowly coalesced into a dark sphere. Slowly a ragged, empty hooded robe emerged forth and simply floated a foot off the ground. The empty robe turned it’ hood towards the lady. “Sorry I’m late, business to take care of.”

“Shadows?” Penguin asked. “What the heck is more important than this?”

The tattered robe turned it’s attention to the flightless bird. “I had to debrief the ‘Fang in the Darkness’. They were most impressed with your performance.”

“Those fuzzballs were with you?”

The robe merely nodded. “That is not important. I believe you were interested in this.” The robe positioned it’s sleeve above Penguin’s outstretched flippers. A small battery sized device fell out of the sleeve.

“Is this it?”

“Yeah. It works by silencing a god modder’s vocal cords, rendering him unable to god mod.”

Penguin looked at the square device questioningly. “Well, and do not get me wrong, that alone is very cool. But, after all I did that’s it?”

The robe jiggled as a laugh issued forth from deep within the dark recesses of the hood. “No. I guess I should tell you how it renders them unable to do the simplest thing till they learn how not to god mod, but that could take a while.”

The door to the office, kicked open. HLOG stepped in still dressed like Don Johnson and bearing an armload of pizza boxes. “I heard someone say, something might take a while. So I figured you guys could use some food.” As HLOG handed out the pizza, he caught the CIA woman’s eye. He winked and gave her a little nod.

OK, That took FOREVER! UGH! Well at least it’s done. All I can say is sorry for the long read. Sorry for anything wrong with it. I tried to mix humor with my normally serious writing style, I do not know how it came out. And Sorry HLOG for dressing you like Don Johnson. smile.gif

And why am I in this story? Shameless self promotion, that’s why!

Posted by: Denim Jan 23 2004, 12:43 PM
there goes my story, I have proclaimed my loss, due to my belief, that all I write sucks.
And Shadows, it wasn't that long... >_> Once again, I must add a complaint. There is Penguin, there is Hlog, there noobs, there are spammers, there are godmoders, but where the hell is me?

Posted by: Penguin Jan 23 2004, 08:47 PM
Good grief, that was awsome. Shadows has now written my favorite story... Sorry guys. If only we could still give out our reward... Damn this money reset!

Posted by: Reiz Jan 23 2004, 09:18 PM
Anybody remember who was going to make that RPGDreamers RPG? I'm thinking about stealing the idea and submitting my take on it at a later date, and I'd rather ask permission than just assume they're fine with it.

Posted by: Sweets Jan 23 2004, 11:06 PM
I love this happy.gif

I should hold contests more often >_> *also doesnt have a clue on how she could host decent contests without convincing prizes*
Sorry guys. If only we could still give out our reward... Damn this money reset!

>_< Money reset >_< (Say it isnt true)

As I said before, Ill have to arrange something else. But Im afraid time is something I seem to not be able to use efficiently or have much of. It goes faster then any FISH.

Posted by: jimi92 Jan 24 2004, 10:20 PM
In a dark night in the middel of no where a car pulls up to a barn and a penguin waddles out...Not just any penguin but...PENGUIN! The Penguin member of the owning,He walks into the barn and a man in the darknes is siting at a desk...

Good Morning Mr. Penguin, how lovely to see you, do sit down"
*Pen attempts to sit down but is unable to due to awakardness caused by non-flying bird anatomy*
"*cough* Id rather not, Thanks"
"Do you have The Fish?"
"Let me see my Completed Project first."

" First i want that fish than i give you your precius Project back! If you complete this Project than n00bs every where can be rehabilitated!" The man in the shadows yelled angrly and smashed his desk

"I AM NOT A N00B!" A voice from a darker part of the barn said a very familure voice....

" First let me see him if he has been hurt or forced to watch anything stupid than my Project will have failed!" Penguin angrly...Well yells in a penguinish voice

"Fine" The dark figure,Who we shall call darky snaps his fingure and a chair is brought forward and tied to it is a very familure person...The newest member of the ownage,Jimi!

" Get me out of this Stupid chair creep!" He yelled angry and abviusly well..Mad

" Hold on preist of ownage in training..." Penguin pulled a fish out of a breif case" Heres your fish"

"That is not my fish! My fish is a gold fish!!" Dark coldly replied

"....." Penguin was speechless he had never mesed up with geting some one a fish

" Now you and your littel ownage members get me my fish or i will.....N00bify your littel project..." Darky replyed coldly and meanly...And coldly!

" My name is Jimi you idiot"

"Shut it!" Darky threw the chair into the darkness has Pen walked out of the barn he knew he needed help he needed.....The other ownage members...And even the goddess of ownage because...Darky was a @ss hole


" Next time on what every the heck this is called,Conflict,Goldfishes and a startelling discovery!Two actuly!"

Posted by: Penguin Jan 26 2004, 01:20 PM
QUOTE (Reiz @ Jan 23 2004, 09:18 PM)
Anybody remember who was going to make that RPGDreamers RPG? I'm thinking about stealing the idea and submitting my take on it at a later date, and I'd rather ask permission than just assume they're fine with it.

Talk to xHalox about that, I'm decently sure he's in charge of the project.

Posted by: Sweets Jan 27 2004, 11:40 AM
Talk to xHalox about that, I'm decently sure he's in charge of the project.

*is horrified at complete off-topicness*


Spelling, grammar, paragraphing and punctuation.

Its so amusing seeing so many fics on one person lol

Note: I will give a detailed criticism from my POV on each piece and perhaps a lower money reward for the winning piece(s). Adelaine will hopefully have a banner for the winner and honorary mentions in around 2 weeks or more time.

Posted by: Shadows of essence Jan 28 2004, 04:14 PM

Is the two weeks how long it will take Adelaine to make the banner, or how long before you post your reviews?

Speaking of which, Adelaine, I think you should finsh your story. I'd like to see where it was going to go. I hate not knowing the ending to things. smile.gif

Could have sworn Denim was going to rewrite his too...

Posted by: Denim Jan 28 2004, 06:20 PM
Not rewrite, merely edit some spelling mistakes, excluding the ones from Sweet's passage. Heh...

Posted by: Sweets Jan 29 2004, 02:50 PM
Is the two weeks how long it will take Adelaine to make the banner, or how long before you post your reviews?

Adelaine happy.gif

Ill post them soon as I have time and I do hope all uncompleted stories are completed soon, Ill definitely leave the thread open for that.

Posted by: Adelaine Jan 29 2004, 02:59 PM
Yeah, I know! happy.gif. The banner! The banner!

Posted by: Sweets Jan 30 2004, 04:10 PM
Denims Entry:

*Pen attempts to sit down but is unable to due to awakardness (Spelling Sweets, now judge yourself!) caused by non-flying bird anatomy*

I judge myself and I see a very evil keyboard designer lurking and an antisocial spell checker. (No wait that was a vision! lol)

Mension is spelled mention unlss it was some kind of seal language or something, you should have included a helpful note =P and there are other spelling mistakes, I assume you idnt get around to them? Oh well.

Note to all writers: Although content is pretty important, so is presentation. It can make you look stupid, like a 5 year old or a professional editor for The Times.

Throughout the whole story, theres an element of a childrens story (subconciously for the audience which is me?). I dont know exactly why I got that impression but I think that that you can easily pinpoint it yourself though (Im lying! Its just a good critical exercise for you so you can recognise what youre writing.)

Also, there is some character development/traits, which is ofcourse my favourite aspect of a story.

It made me grin (cant remember if I laughed O_O since I was halfasleep and it is making me laugh now though) and for lack of better expression; "This is the stuff, dude..." in a simple way.

We still want the corrections for Archival purposes AND to see if you actually take Sweets seriously ohboy.gif

I love the ending, altogether a light, easy and comical piece.

Edit: Penguins shall rule the world!! *evil laughter*

Null's Entry:

I enjoyed the content. But Im ure you could have tried better to capture more interest. (Anything Penguinish does guaantee alot of that though! lol)

First piece of advice: For headings use bold, italic, another font, centre (or any of them combined) or underline instead of capitals.

The presentationan and paragraphing arent so good. Capitals, beginning new lines/paragraphs, good use of punctuation, spelling (only alittle here and there) and grammar look to be the difficulties. Try to keep the coherence in the piece to your best. It is very important that the piece should be easy to read and understand. Always keep whos reading your piece in mind.

There are some pretty interesting ideas and a good foundation of your own style. I see pretty good potential! and I did giggle at the silliness.
whats with old people and their corny lines anyway?

Tiki's Entry:

I loved reading it happy.gif
It was funny and entertaining.

Note to all: Content Warnings! I cannot emphasise how much they are appreciated depending on how you say them. Try not to reveal anything and use your creativity to give a nice (funny?) little warning and it can save you from alot of trouble.

This piece kept me interested beause of Tikis easy inventive, entertaining style. He took other ideas and made them his own (if you dont mind the unconscious pun). The pwnage never seems to get old but we'll see, we'll see. As far as I can see, Im pretty much loving it.

The best word of wisdom to all is read and watch other works. Broaden your horizons (while having a good time) and look at other techinques. Mix and match what strikes you and it becomes your own! (pun again)

Please... don't own me.
*evil laughter*
This for my Pinto, b****!
*normal rib-breaking laughter*

RoC's Entry:

Im sorry to say that it didnt interest me that much, wel actually maybe it did! blink.gif Ive confused myself. Right. There were some good ideas happy.gif

A bit of difficulty with quote placement but not too big.
The really messy part is the grammar ,verb tense usage in particular, not very nice at all. And the spelling (as usual). You need the words and writing to flow.

Try the show not tell technique. Instead of "He told him to go and die." say " " Just Go and die you useless freak of a bird!". The He is obviously implied from the context...

and caling im Mr.Penguin all of the time wasnt great... more pronouns and nicknames should be used. Or "Our hero" and other replacements referring to the character. (Dont use "our hero" usually)

Mr. Penguin left the country after this and went back to the north pole where he lives his days now catching fish for a living instead of stealing them.

LOL! A truly fictional ending...

N.B Please continue to submit entries/criticise. The contest is not over.

Posted by: null Feb 7 2004, 03:06 PM
when does the contest end,might I ask,and I am glad you liked the corny part,I was watching a show with old people and younger people and the old people where saying stupid things(hence the corny line)

EDIT:hey sweets,are you an english teacher?O.o

Posted by: Sweets Feb 7 2004, 09:01 PM
QUOTE (null @ Feb 8 2004, 12:06 AM)

EDIT:hey sweets,are you an english teacher?O.o

LOL! Definitely not.

Im just a 14 year old who loves to read. A good amount of successful writers are those who loved reading books. Take Terry Pratchett or J K Rowling for an example. Reading widely helps anyone witht heir writing as they get to see different techniques, structure and other helpful stuff.

Will edit this as soon as Im done with Shadows entry...

Posted by: null Feb 8 2004, 05:48 PM
im 13,i like to read to,but you sound more like a proffeser than a 14 year old O.o

Posted by: theredlink Feb 9 2004, 02:48 PM
Penguins Mad Dash
By Eric Blake (theredlink)

It was a day of the normal variety in Bloomingsville on that fateful day, nearly two decades ago. Normal is to say that there was three feet of snow on the ground and not a Bloom in sight, contrary to the name of the town, but it would seem as if much in this land was contrary. The people were sad when they were happy and called themsleves names that greatly disagreed with their actual physical characteristics. Tall Bear was a short man who was incapable of growing hair, while Hermit the Short was a giant of a man who surrounded himself with people at all times. Perhaps it was because of these names that people saught to achieve the oppostie, but there was one man who stood out from the rest., and his name was Penguin. Penguin played the bells in the church to wake everybody up and could also be found looking for love at the bar or swimming in the only body of water available to Bloomingsville: Hermit the Short's pond. Penguin was, in short, a penguin. He had washed up on the shores of Bloomingsville (That is to say he saw dropped into Hermit's pool by a zoo plane on its way to San Diego) when he was but a hatchling. The towns folk were put off a great deal by his repugnant stench, and they all wanted to drown him, save for the church clerk. The church clerk, a kindly old man of 30 then, took penguin under his proverbial wing and raised him. In two years, penguin had learned english and how to add and subtract. At the strapping age of three, he had married his true love, a woman who had been named Does Not Look Like a Man, and the two had settled down. It dawned on Penguin after a half of a year that this was a contrary town, and that Does Not Look Like a Man, did in fact resemble a member of the choir. Choir boys, that is. Never the less, He left Does Not Look Like a Man and went to liv einm a shack near the church, where he spent his days muttering about various things such as the spice trade and how much he missed the taste of fish. It is here,four years into Penguins life, that our story begins. This tale, told forever on by the people of Bloomingsville, has finally made it's American Debut, right now, right here.

* * * * *

"Bad morning Penguin!" shouted Bert the Hideously Overweight, "How are you this morning?"
" I am woe fully happy this morning, as usual" Penguin retorted. He was walking through the heart of Bloomingsvile, past the water fountain that had been carved to look like what everyone though a bloom must be. Naturally, it was a stunning statue of a horse.
"I'm do very lonely" Penguin thought to himself, "I wonder if Hermit is having one of his terribly boring get togethers" As it turned out, Hermit was having one of his renowned happening parties, but it's contradictory, so they didn't call it that. Penguin walked about the guests, looking for anyone he knew, and he did know everyone, but what he saught was someone who didn't annoy him. Sadly, there was no such person for Penguin. Sadly, he moped over to a far corner and slumped there, hoping someone would bring him a cold ale. He sat for what was perhaps an hour, looking at the odd tile that Hermit had on his floor, when a shadow was cast over him. Slowly, he looked up, and squinted as he tried to discern what it was that stood before him. A man, dressed all in red and blue stripes stood there. He was not to very tall, with a round face complimented by a huge handle bar moustache. His smile was wide and full of stunning happiness. The only thing that made him seem un happy in the least bit was his great top hat. Black, with a gray ribbon, it sat upon his head. Penguin stared at the man, this peculiarity, someone he did not know, nor found himself wanting to know....but that wasn't up to Penguin.
"Good day! ", the man said. Penguin found himself confused. What did the man mean by that, the weather was some of the best it had been all year and he was at a party for people to have fun.
"Oh, erm, that is to say, BAD day, yes, yes, bad day." The man recovered, coughed and grinned some more
Penguin sat and stared some more, and the he dropped his gaze, hoping the man would go away. The man did not, however, and Penguin was forced to lift his head
"Can I you?", he asked
"Why yes!", the man replied, "You see, I'm the Mayor around here,I usually si tin my office, you probably wont ever have seen me. But you see, I'm called mr. Sad on account of my brilliant uniform. Well, I wanted a hat to go with it, but I bought it outside of town, and when I aksed for a sad hat, they gave me this!"
"My word!", gasped Penguin, "forsooth, that is a very happy hat!"
"Yes yes, quite a predicament. It really takes all the sadness out of my uniform. But I hear that you do painting" This shocked Penguin greatly. How did he know about the paintings? Did he have spies? He had only done a few, and they were kept inside of his shack, undisturbed...
"Well anyways, I have a proposition for you, I would like you to paint this hat, and give it a touch of, oh I dont know, give it some sadness!"
Penguin was standing now, and he leaned over to the Mayor and whispered
"For two things, one, you never tell anyone about the paintings"
"Your secret is safe with me and my spies"
"And two", Penguin drew in a great breath and heaved a great sigh, "You said you have been to the outside world. I want...I want FISH!"
"Fish, my dear boy?", Said a startled Mayor, "Surley, you mean...that is to say..."
"Fish, Mayor, final offer" with which Penguin sat down and crossed his arms, looking smugly victorious at the Mayor. The Mayer, closed his mouth, straightened up, and took on a look of agreement. "Yes Penguin, Yes, you shall have fish. Come to my office on wedensday of next week. Here's the hat, I expect it to be as sad as possible.

For the entire week, Penguin sat at the edge of his bed, nervous with fear. Would fish still taste good? What kind of fish would it be? Are they all the same? He dug out his paintings, one of which was what he thought a fish looked like. It was a striking picture of a dog, however, but this he stared at with rigor. "I wonder if it looks like this?", he thought. This went on until finally wedensday had arrived. He walked slowly to the Mayor's office with an enourmous box tied to his back. The mayors office was a Greek stlye building with monstrous pillars and exactly 30 steps. Each step was a nightmare to Penguin, his short stance greatly impeding on his progress. When he reached the door, there was a butler who opened it and escorted him in. Inside was simply a hallway. Red carpet and walls with wooden fitting everywhere. As he marched down the hall, he bit his lower beak. Would the mayor be pleased? Would he have fish? Did fish still taste good? What kind of fish would it be? As he reached the door lableled "NOT MAYOR", it flung open and there stood the mayor, a grin on his face but no hat on his head.
"Good Morning Mr. Penguin, how lovely to see you, do sit down", chimed the mayor.
Penguin attempted to sit down but wass unable to due to akwardness caused by his flightless water fowl anatomy.
"Thanks, I'd rather not", he said with a cough. He set down the box in one corner of the room and then ran to the desk where the Mayor sat. Quickly, he looked from side to side, and then, sure there were no spies, he said "Do you have The Fish?"
The Mayor grinned a mischevous grin and said,"Let me see my Completed Project first."
Penguin looked slowly around to the big box in the corner. He pushe dit over to the mayor and said "You may open it". The mayor walked over and unravleled the box
"MAGNIFICENT!", he excalimed. He tore the hat out of the book and placed it on his head. It was still pitch black, but on it, in green, there now was painted the word "FISH".
"Amazing Penguin, a true work of art, here is your fish!" The mayor cavorted over to a cabinet and took out a can of something called sardines that vaguely resembled ovals
"I am told that these are the finest type of fish on the market, and that I should be considered very lucky to have got them for such a price!"
Penguin, his flippers trembling, took the sardines and walked out of the office. He then merilly skipped home, where he devoured the fish, and found them to be "Disgusting". And in a contradictory world, thats pretty good.

Now you have heard my tale, go on to make your own. But what of the Mad Dash? well, in case you didnt catch it, Merilly skipping is about as opposite as I could get with that.

There's my submission, having been a friend of James for a while I thought I'd make it to his sort of liking. Know that we did not colaborate in any way, and he has no idea I am writing this. Good luck to everyone else! I cant say that I expect to win.

Posted by: Penguin Feb 9 2004, 03:12 PM
.....Lmao XDD

Hilarious, Eric! I commend you on easily placing among the top three! Now we need consolation prizes....

Posted by: Shadows of essence Feb 12 2004, 01:12 PM
um... sweets, not trying to be pushy, but when is the judging going to finish? Or at least your review of mine ?? smile.gif Just kinda want to find out your opinion.

Posted by: theredlink Feb 12 2004, 06:35 PM
I'm a patient guy, but I gotta agree with Shadows. She might be doing school work and stuff though shadows, I know I am.

Posted by: Sweets Feb 13 2004, 04:14 PM
I know! I know! This thing is dragging on more than I wanted it to but oh well. Life gets in the way. Problem is, I need to get in the right state of mind for this and Im always interrupted etc and Im quite tight on PC time. Just an hour or so before I was typing in a post here and mom quickly took the PC then closed the window. (No, not Friday the 13th luck just life as normal)

(where did Di disappear off to?)

Shadows' Entry

The first thing that I liked was the atmosphere immediately created at the beginning, the entry proved to have tidbits of descriptiveness creating a clear image/mood but keeping a good balance with the rest of the piece.
Note: So descriptive writing definitely applies in all kinds of writing, including not serious...

A few spelling and grammar here and there. Nothing an immensely thorough proofread couldnt have cured.

Loved the style (and the Vice City thing) and the reference to Tikis one (Im sure poor Nightmare is still missing his Pinto). Good move to bring the CIA in it... and for some reason make it look like you only dealt with women *laughs head off*
Bad move to put yourself in it! Yes! We want to know more about interesting people... kidding. Make sure theres proper character development in whatever pieces you have, like the CIA girl. Does everything match up to her image?
So keeping characters constant is pretty important. Even if theyre not too significant (a major unwritten composition rule is never to have 'insignificant' characters, in the sense that you dont give them as much shape... its better if theyre related in your story in some other aspect)

I no I am stringer than U!

n0!11!1 iM strNgr!1!!11
An army of ninja marmosets

*giggles at the image*
No. I guess I should tell you how it renders them unable to do the simplest thing till they learn how not to god mod, but that could take a while.

We wish XD

Adelaine's Entry

I wont launch into full criticism yet because it isnt complete. Lovely start though (yes! a prophecy for a beginning!)
Note: I always felt the magic of emphasis is sadly neglected in online writing sometimes.

Jimi's Entry

What I see is potential. If you tweaked the structure (in such a way that it would make sense), replace capitals with different kinds of emphasis, conducted business with the spellcheckerr, eased up on the exclamation marks and used them better then theres definitely something. Obviously, you wanted to just be silly with some ideas but that was it. If you ever tried to write more seriously than Id look forward to it.

Eric's Entry

I absolutely loved the contradiction idea lol There were the cute little parody twists and you had your lovely lil style. A few technical mistakes as usual that can be sorted out.
You were great with your dialogue as well and well I rally like reading yours...

Oh, erm, that is to say, BAD day, yes, yes, bad day

*laughs (or is that cries?)* Yes, this entry was extremely bad!

(Ever wondered what N.B. stood for? Note Well in Latin, thats what my sources say anyway)
Nota Bene: Looking at other writers, their words, structure and their techniques is really informative. Next time you pick up a book, look for things like simple punctuation, vocabulary and techniques. You could also take a closer look at the plot and character development. Notice how little clues here and there are always dropped and how most of the time, any character features more than once.

Also notice how I love to repeat myself. Anyway, if you read though all of it then youll have a pretty good idea what I look for. One more thing, Keep your writing clear, unified and coherent.

Oh! And another thing! Any other opinions on this would be extremely welcome! (For now, we only have pure raving lol)

Posted by: theredlink Feb 15 2004, 07:10 AM
You scared me there, I was like "This entry was extremely bad"? Why did she say that, she just got through saying she liked reading it. Caught in my own trap, you are sneaky ninja numbah 1!

Posted by: Adelaine Feb 22 2004, 01:23 AM
user posted image user posted image user posted image

Sorry for the delay, Sweets. Hope it's not too late. Dunno which one you like...

cry.gif And really sorry for this, but I have to delete my entry. Can't finish it now.

Posted by: Sweets Feb 24 2004, 11:49 AM
After careful deliberation and re-examining my comments, I have decided upon the winner:

Shadows Of Essence!

His piece was the most memorable of them all and very quotable =P It brought in many different elements and kept my interest to the extent where I thought it wasn't long at all. A round of applause!

Thank you so much Adelaine for your banners and for everyone who participated in the contest... (Please Ade put your entry back up, it was good! Even though it remains uncompleted and its a good addition to the lovely collection of stories and potential this contest has revealed.)

A close second were Tiki's and Red's entries.

Posted by: Adelaine Feb 24 2004, 02:40 PM
Sorry about that, Sweets, but I won't put up something that I can't finish.

Anyway, this contest is over, and congratulations to Shadows of Essence for his magnificent work.


Powered by Invision Power Board (
© Invision Power Services (