I wasn't sure if I was going to write this story or not. It's not really all that funny to me cause it was pretty much hell after the 3rd week. But, I am sure someone will find it funny.
I had moved to Green Bay shortly after my girlfriend at the time left the country. After about 4 months after she left we both realized the long distance wouldn't work. She has found someone new and we both went our separate ways. About 3 months after that I was sick of being lonely and I was pretty desperate. My mom is pretty much a dirty whore, and she was telling me about this internet dating site. "match.com" I figured what the hell. These girls obviously have such low self esteem that I could easily pick one and fuck it till I got bored and then throw it back and get a new one. Kind of like fishing I guess. I set up a profile and not long girls were interested in me. Most were nasty fat chicks. I hate fat chicks. There was one that was pretty good looking and one that was ok looking. I tried to hook up with the good looking one but it never happened. I said fuck it and just stopped caring about the site. Then about a week or two later a girl emails me her number. It was the ok looking one. I didn't respond and said fuck it. She emailed me again a few days later. I ignored that one. I came home drunk one night from drinking at work. I had one more email from her. This one said "I don't think you are interested in me but if you are please call me cause otherwise ill just leave you alone". I was drunk and figured what the fuck? So I call her up and she sounds harmless. I tell her I am rich to no extent. When then plan a date. She shows up at my house and the picture of her on the site was totally deceiving. I then tried to figure out what the fuck I was thinking. She was here though and I figured I had nothing to lose. Me and her go out and she is like 5-6 maybe 90 pounds just sickly skinny, Wearing tons of whore makeup and dressed like one too.
We go to dinner and she orders a huge stake. I was like ok maybe she can just really eat. I bullshitted and told her how rich I was and just stupid shit about my life. She was a vet assistant, good grades, shit like that. We then go back to my house and watch south park till 4 or 5 am. She then leaves and we plan something else later on that week. She calls me and cancels cause she is going out with her parents. I was cool with it and we reschedule. About a half hour later she shows up at my house. This should have clued me in that she was crazy right there. I finally end up banging her on our 3rd or 4th date. Over the next two weeks she was at my house a lot. One night she got in a fight with her dad and showed up at my house. This is were I fucked up bad. I let her move in with me. I knew this bitch for 2 weeks and she was living with me.
My mom starts freaking and I decide to move back home to slinger and bring her with. I get a call from her dad saying she needs to come home. He said the cops would be at my door if like she didn't come home. I was like "Why she is 18 she can move out if she wants"? He then tells me that she is wanted for theft and has a severe eating disorder. I ask her about it and she denies it. Her dad shows up at my house a few hours later and he brings it up and its all true. She stole like 500 dollars from her job and she is anorexic or bulimic or something like that. (I'll call her Pukestealer). Pukestealer ends up going home and then sneaks back to my house and I put her up in a hotel for the night. I get a call from her sister telling me that she was going call the cops on me if I didn't tell her were she was cause I would be aiding a felon. I told her and they came got her. Pukestealer about a week later tells me everything is ok and she can move with me. I wanted to wait two weeks so I could quit my job and get a new one. And she had to transfer schools. The plan was to live with my dad till I got a new place. I get a call from my dad and he says that she is there with her shit and that she wants to move in. I am like WTF talk about being forward. If you can't tell by now that this girl is crazy as fuck, something is wrong with you.
I get a job working at Quad and work 60 hours a week. But, I never have any money and I cant figure out were it is going. Turns out she was stealing money out of my wallet when I was sleeping. We have been in slinger for about a week now and my friends hate her. Everyone in school hates her. She keeps telling me about all these cool friends she has. She then tells me their names and they are like the bottom of the barrel losers. She then tells me that she is a lot smarter then everyone at school. I guess she kept answering rhetorical questions and thought she was smart cause no one answered them but her. My friends just hated her but were nice to her cause they were my friends.
I start talking to my ex again Pukestealer freaks out. I tell her to read my emails. She shows up at my work that night and tells me that everything is off and that she is leaving. I am all for it. After all this was all just sport fucking anyways. I get a call that day and Justin tells me that he is moving to Big Bend and I should come live with him. I agree and head home. I get home and all her shit is still there. So is Pukestealer. She decides she doesn't want to leave. I pull another stupid move and let her stay. About a month later she freaks out again and I make her leave. But, before she leaves my step mom goes through her stuff and finds tons of clothes she stole from her and her kids. She went to school the next day and said I need somewhere to live. Like just announces it and a girl prolly just to be nice said you might be able to stay with me. Well, pukestealer shows up there a few hours after school lets out and starts moving her shit in. This poor girl didn't even ask her parents yet and this crazy bitch is living there. Well, she pisses of this girl's parents. Its so funny Pukestealer has been kicked out of so many houses yet cause no one can stand her.
I move to Big Bend and about a week after that she begs to come live with me. I haven't banged anything in a few weeks so I say fine. within a week she has pissed off all my room mates too no end. She is eating all the food and making a mess out of though house. Pukestealer gets a job working at a ice cream place. She has no car and has to ride a bike to work. We decide that we should all buy our own food. She starts eating all the welfare food that was in the house when we moved in. She can't pay any of the bills and I just bought a new car and decided I was sick of supporting her.
We weren't even really together anymore and she was just there sponging off me. I tell her to get a real job so she gets a interview at a vet clinic. She tells all of us that she got hired and she starts next week. I then take her to look at a apartment. She gets denied cause she has no credit at all. She calls up Justin to get the landlords number. Justin wont give it to her. She isn't on the lease so the land lords don't even know she lives there. She tells the apartment manager that she isn't on our lease at the house. He says "well why the fuck did you call him then"? The apartment manager just tells her to leave. We get a call from the vet clinic and they tell us to tell pukestealer to stop calling for her hours. She doesn't have a job there. They just wanted her to come for a walk though. They had two other people with actual degrees. You know people that actually should work there. I find out later the reason that she couldn't get a job was cause in the part of the application where it says. "May we contact your former employer"? She would Write "PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT FORMER EMPLOYER" Then highlight it. If I saw that shit I wouldn't hire the bitch either.
We all decide that she has to go. I am trying to figure out a way. I decide that I am going to call out my ex's name next time we do it. My room mates sister that also lived with us thought it would be even better if she came home and we were in bed together. I decide to go with this plan just cause it is downright evil and just well, me. Me and her go upstairs I get naked and climb into bed. She comes in wearing this naughty red lingerie. She shuts the light off and takes her panties off. We turn on some slow music and she climbs in bed with me. About a half hour later I hear Pukestealer come home. I am now holding room-mate. Pukestealer comes in my room and walks across the room and turns on a lamp. I sit up and with my best fake surprised look sit up and say "Oh my god what are you doing home already"? Room-mate gets out of bed and bends down right in front of her and picks up her underwear and gives her a full Cooter shot. Pukestealer runs downstairs yelling "THERE FUCKIN' UPSTAIRS FUCKING". It was just fucking priceless.
Pukestealer is just beyond pissed now and is burning shit she got me. Me and my room mates are laughing our ass's off. Pukestealer gets more pissed cause now were laughing at her. She calls her boss and begs her to take her in. She leaves for the night and we go through her shit and find tons of shit she stole from us. She calls our house when we are outside and leaves a message that she is pregnant. I am laughing my ass of cause there is no was she is. The next day she comes and gets all her shit. I guess she lived there till she stole the boss's car and drove all over Wisconsin with it. This bitch just had no respect for anyone.
About 2 weeks later I come down from upstairs and she is in my living room. I ask her what the fuck she is doing in my house. She got kicked out of her boss's house and is moving back with her parents. It's about fucking time. She asks if she can wait their for a few hours and I tell her she has to Ok it with Karla cause I was leaving. Well, Karla and Justin were camping out of town. I leave and come back inside and she tells me they said its ok. I leave and go to Slinger. I get a phone call from Karla on my cell. She asked who was on the home phone. I say Pukestealer, you told her she could stay. Karla said no I didn't. So, the cops show up and I guess arrest her and question her for awhile. A perfect ending to a long as fuck one night stand.
I edited a lot out of this cause it got so long. But the worst part was is that I only knew her for 3 months. All this shit and more happened in 3 months.
