Priest: ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of James Lambert.

Ned: awright gadgies an nat, wur aw here tae make sure jimbo’s deed.

priest: james was a much loved man as i can see by the amount of you that have chosen to gather here to celebrate his passing.

ned: jimbo wiz a bastard and wur aw here tae make damn sure that he gets burnt properly.

priest: james was a respected member of the local community and always found time to visit his many friends within that community.

ned: big jimbo wiz a money lender and noo that he’s deed we’re aw a wee bit better aff. plus he’s no gonnae be comin round yer hoose every week threatening tae pull out yer fingernails if ye didnae stump up wi the readies.

priest: james was very much an animal lover at heart and could always be seen walking his dog in the local park every morning.

ned: jimbo wiz a drug dealer an naw and ayeways hid his stash under thon big manky tree doon by the burn. fair do’s tae the man though, he didnae half huv that dug o his well trained. whatever bodypart jimbo named of yours that dug’d be right onto it before you could scream “naw big man no the dug! i’ll huv yer money the morn when a cash ma giro!!!”

priest: and now we shall commit james’ body to the lord.

ned: lighters at the ready by the way folks, this is where the bastard gets torched.

camera turns to gathered masses. all are holding up lit lighters.

ned: if ye huvnae goat a lighter wee boab will be coming round in a minute selling them. three refillable lighters for 75p. ah cannae say fairer than that.

ned turns to priest.

ned (counting a wad of cash); right then your grand holiness. how much tae make sure that bastard goes tae hell.

ned put’s his arm across the priests shoulders and steers him out of view.

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