Dear Mistah Thompson,
I hope that this mail gets to you before you die as I would hate to think I'm sitting here developing a wonderful case of piles for no good reason. But there is good reason Mistah Thompson, very good reason indeed.

But before we stumble into the reasons for this letter firstly I'd like to say that you are my favourite writer and your books have kept me sane in an insane world. But, that's enough of the pleasantrys and asskissing on my end, let’s get down to the business in hand....

I've always believed that we are all here for a reason, whether that reason is washing dishes at some greasy spoon or mucking out the hippopotamus cage of the nightly waste that one of those lumbering on land, yet graceful in it’s natural environment, beasts produce (having worked in a zoo I know that is a very unpleasant job as a hippo when it shit’s likes to spread it about liberally with a rapid twirling motion of the tail “LOOK OUT MAN.... TAKE COVER..... SHE’S GONNA BLOW!” Followed by a whirling of the tail and a liberal dosing of all unfortunate not to reach adequate cover in time) and I think the reason I'm here is to make the world laugh.

You’re probably sitting thinking “Who the hell is this pigfucker” but please reserve judgement until this letter is read and digested by you and an opinion is made in full grip of the facts and the humour contained within.

I need to find out the basics of writing for screen but do not know what is the best course of action to take.
Should I just run headlong into the studio offices full of viciousness and rage and demand that they take my work and put it out on screen like some demented dope fiend or go the righteous way and send letters asking nicely if I could possibly, if it’s no trouble, perhaps take up some of their precious time to show them some of my work?
Or should I take a college course based on writing for media?
But to be honest Mistah Thompson I have only a limited supply of patience when it comes to dealing with greed-heads like TV executives and I fear I may just lose it in the office of one of them and be dragged from the building by surly and vicious security types (who would like nothing more than to tie me to a chair and beat me with rubber hoses and remove my fingernails with a pair of pliers) kicking and screaming abuse at nameless, shameless and faceless fuckwits who think they are better than me purely because they have a salary that would make a pauper end it all by jumping in front of an articulated lorry.
And my tolerance level for schooling is even lower as I think that making people think the same is a bad, sad and dangerous thing to do.
The reason we are all created differently is to so we evolve and schooling us in the same way regardless if we are the type who cares about our world or sees things on the more cosmic scale that we are all doomed no matter what we do, think, or say is a fucking stupid way to go.
It’s a puzzling thing that's for damn sure man and I have little time to waste.

I know that this letter is severely left wanting in it’s construction and you have possibly cast it aside in disgust already but if not I hope that you see it for what it is, a plea to you from me for guidance in a world that is missing out on the one thing that is good and true in this flea-pit of a world, Humour.
Strange and slightly savage in it’s own fucked up way but humour none the less.

My excuse for the construction of this letter being so bad is that I was lead to believe that I was dyslexic and was therefore not worth the teachers time when it came to making me believe that I would, or could, be anything better than a shit sweeper in a Zoo.
I lived in the misapprehension that I was stupid until I realised that I am not my elder brother (He being the one in the family that was gifted in the academic way) and am of worth in life just as much as he, But by the time I discovered this I had pissed half my life away daydreaming and staring out of windows into worlds of my own creation. Perhaps not a bad thing as I have just began to realize that my imagination could be used to get my slice of the pie.
So I thought what the fuck, why not get into this writing gig and see where the thing can take me.

But enough of that for a while, lets have some good old fashioned dialogue on the greater things that are currently making life miserable for the have-not’s in our so called civilised world.

What’s the score with George Dubyah's war on terrorism? I really can't fathom how he can claim to be going to war on terrorism when it has been proven that parts of the US government is funding actions in foreign lands that could be seen as terrorism.
Is it just another one of those wars that can't be won but is a good way screw the general populace out of more of their hard earned cash so the super rich can keep going to the banks to roll in crisp dollar bills and wipe their ass’ on hundred dollar bills?
Such as the phoney war on drugs that spends upwards of $19 billion a year to fight, yet shows no sign of ever making a slight dent in the drugs trade nationally in the USA never mind worldwide.
When, if ever, are the worlds governments going to realise that the way to prevent drug use is by educating our children on the dangers of drug use.

I personally believe that most of the illegal drugs in the world should be legal if you wish to use them, after all isn’t it down to personal choice? if any person wishes to spend their life in a drug induced haze then they, and only they, are the ones who should make that choice.
Now don’t get me wrong Mistah Thompson I am not advocating the use of drugs I am merely stating the opinion I have about the use of drugs.
If any person wishes to take cocaine they should be free to do so, in the same way that any person is able, perfectly legally, to drink fifteen cups of coffee, smoke forty untipped camel cigarettes and drink a bottle of Chivas Regal.
But should they get twisted on coke or alcohol then go out and mug and rape an old woman, or molest a child, or open fire on a bus load of nun’s with a semi automatic then the full weight of the justice system should be brought down on their empty skulls with full vengeance.

I recently read that in fifteen US states you can be imprisoned for life for possession of a single marijuana plant, what the fuck is going wrong in this world that you can be locked away for the rest of your natural life for growing something that is less dangerous than a quart of good rum? something needs to be done about the robbing of freedom of choice, but what Mistah Thompson, but what?
Forgive me for sliding from the subject for a while there but these thing’s happen when you are as cranked on coke and speed as I am at this present moment....

I have recently re-read (For the fourth time i believe.) Both of your books of correspondence (The Proud Highway and fear and loathing in America.) And only yesterday I re-bought, (Again for the fourth time as I made the mistake of “loaning” it to someone.) your wonderfully hilarious book Fear and loathing in Las Vegas as well as Generation of swine and Fear and loathing on the Campaign trail so I figure that you owe me at least a little letter of reply to this semi illiterate rant of mine.
Even if its to threaten my life with your usual style of pizzazz and zing, and quite frankly it would give me a great conversation piece at partys to say that you are in the processes of having a contract put on my head.
Which if you are considering may I recommend my friend “Big-mad-mental-shuggie” He does good quality work, and is relatively cheap, but entirely thorough in his ways of torture and dispatch.
He also has a contact who works on a pig farm so disposal of my body would also be taken care of, none of that shallow grave shit for him he is a consummate professional and takes a pride in his work that is very rarely seen these days.

I have the urge to ask you what you think of the new Ducati 999? as I know that you are a man who appreciates the finesse of the Ducati 996.
Myself, I'm very much into the styling of the MV AGUSTA F4 but it lacks somewhat in the torque department in comparison to the new Ducati but that would be easy enough to remedy with a turbo and different gearing.
Also I would appreciate your opinion on Honda’s new four-stroke missile currently being raced in GP’s.
I know it’s a jap bike but having been up close one as it streaked by me at about 190mph (At the Dutch TT races this year) and feeling those power pulses deep within my chest cavity I can assure you that if you do not like jap bikes then this bike, if any, should be seen as an exception.

But Mistah Thompson I have taken up too much of your, no doubt, precious time with all this banal and tedious talk of bikes, drugs, possible death contracts and hippo shit, so lets get back to the meat of things.
Should I take the college course route towards my goal, or go the way of a seriously rattled dope fiend and demand a meeting with the top brass, or write to ask in a nice way if I could possibly interest anyone in my work.
What thinks you Mistah Thompson?
Any ideas you may have on how to go about doing what I want to do would be really appreciated and if you were to give me some of your wisdom I would be forever in your debt and I may just send over a 40oz bottle of Skippers rum just to show my thanks to you for taking the time to read this. just don't take too long replying as time is precious. For you and I.

All the best, Mistah Thompson, all the best.

P.S. Should you ever be in my neck of the woods please feel free to pop in and I'll get a bottle or two of aforementioned rum and we can have a good old-fashioned drinking session.
P.P.S If it's possible could you send some tabs of good quality acid as I cant get any over here and you have the right connections..... Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Yours

Ross Douglas.