I've had a lot of problems with drugs. my family showed me an anti drug commercial, you know the one, the guy with the egg. “This is your brain.” then he drops the egg into the frying pan, “This is your brain on drugs. any questions?” I asked if I could have a roll and some sausage with that.

I'm going through a spiritual phase just now. I want to find something to believe in. I find it hard to believe in a Christians view of god. so i went to a spiritualist to have past life regression hypnosis. when i got there the psychic was grinning from ear to ear. she was a happy medium. I say she was a medium, she was more of a large. her shadow looked like it weighed three stones.

Marijuana smokers never get into arguments. The only arguments that stoners get into is who’s going to walk to the 24 hour garage to buy fifteen mars bars and thirty bags of crisps.

My father always said to me “never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.” And I added to it by saying “After which he’s a mile away and you have his shoes.”

I've always had an inferiority complex about not being as intelligent as my brother. He read history at St Andrews university. I read the Beano under the duvet.

I used to work as a taxi driver. I quit that job. I got sick of people talking behind my back. so I got a job as a postman. Well it’s better than walking the streets.

I got a job doing council roadwork's. It beats working.

I’m not the best looking guy in the world. My beauty is on the inside. My spleen looks like Claudia Schiffer.

I spent my formative years in the shadow of my brother. He left school with a BA. I left school with a BCG.

My brother is a certifiable genius. I’m just certifiable.

I’ll be very upset when my dad dies. He hasn’t written his will yet.

Smoking kills. yeah? well, so does breathing.

90% of smokers never get Alzheimer's.

I have always been a great believer in economy of words. why say to someone “Please be so kind as to remove yourself from my immediate view” when “fuck off” will convey exactly what it is that you are trying to say.

I always seem to join things at the wrong time. I joined the tufty club when it was paramilitary.

People ask me the strangest questions. I told a guy I was from Scotland. He asked me what part. I said all of me.

Organized people are just to lazy to look for shit.

I worry about strange things. Like if you were to record silence and play it back at full volume would the silence get louder or would the recorded silence drown out the sound of the silence?

It is a puzzle to me why the word for fear of long words is Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

Young people these days are so forward. last week a beautiful young girl ask me if i wanted a blow job. she was only 15. i said no......
and wanked off on her tits instead.

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his arse... Further studies are expected.

I was once told that the pun is the lowest form of comedy. Personally I believe that by definition the lowest form of comedy is a midget being hit in the face with a custard pie.

I met a guy who thought that loading the dishwasher was getting the wife drunk.
He thought he'd spice up his love life so he decided to meet his wife naked at the door. He's getting sued by DHL.

I'm easily pleased. Thats why god only gave me one penis.

my definition of the world is... a big huge pile of shit
but in a big pile of shit you do find roses.

I've had it up to my knees with midgets.

I'd like to appologise for my lateness... It was due to my not being here earlier...

I AM NOT, Racist, sexist or ageist.
I hate everyone equally. I'm all for equal opportunities.

I don't get Christians. One of them told me that god watches me all the time.
I don't know about you but I find it very reassuring that he does that.
What if I do an Elvis and die on the crapper?
Its good to know that he will be there to wipe my ass and pull up my trousers.
I'd hate to have to try to get through the pearly gates with a shitty ass and my trousers around my ankles.

If having sex is like riding a bicycle does that mean you can do it in a bus lane?

I used to have a personal vendetta. but I sold it and bought a motorcycle, you get better gas mileage.