Body snatchers. Part Four.


Dawn breaks with all the subtlety of a smack in the mouth at the dockyards.

Tink and manual emerge from the back of the ice cream van and begin to stretch the fatigue from their aching bodies.
“Let‘s go shopping” Tink says, with a big grin.
Tink and Manual get into the van and drive off.
Ten minutes later they arrive at the school. They come to a stop outside the gates and Tink reaches under his seat and produces a worn out old cardboard box. It has “lost property” written on the side of it.
Tink starts to rummage in the box, he pulls out a grubby Child sized blazer and a pair of Minnie Mouse sunglasses. “This should do it.” He says, putting the blazer and glasses on. “Keep the engine running; I'll be right back.”
Tink opens the door and walks over to the window of he shiny van.
A face appears in the frame of the window.
He gives the side of the van a light kick. Not enough to damage, just enough to get the driver a little annoyed. “Pack that in. what do you want?” Says the driver.
Tink gives the van another kick. “I’m warning you! Stop that. I'll report you to the headmaster” says the driver. He leans out to give the little boy a clip around the ear.
The driver has a sudden feeling of affinity with dockyard daybreak.
Tink grabs the driver by the shirt lapels and head butt's him. He lifts the driver onto his shoulder and runs to the back doors of their van; he stands on the exhaust and the side of the freezer opens. He pushes the driver into the space, jumps onto the back step, pulls the doors shut and shout’s

“GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!”

Manual guns the engine; they shoot off in a haze of burning rubber and smoke. “Get to the playground. And slow down.” Says Tink, taking off the blazer and casting it aside. He rummages in the box again and produces a knitted shawl and a baby’s bonnet.
They arrive at the playground. “I'll need you to carry me over to the window” he says as he pulls the bonnet on and wraps himself up in the shawl. Manual lifts Tink up and walks over to the van making “goo-goo ga-ga” noises to Tink.
Tink does something normally only ever witnessed by the nanny of Satan.
He replies in language normally reserved for adult films.
Manual steps up to the widow of the van and watches as the van driver does something that ice cream van drivers do all over the world. The driver puts his head as close to the baby as possible and says, “aaah boo boo baba weeba bo bo.” He sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry. “Goon goon ga ga, boo bo waaahh” he pulls a face. “Whoosa wuvly wittle baba den?”
He is rewarded for this wonderful display of adult-child speech by being the victim of the first ever incident of a baby mugging an adult.
Tink unravels himself from the shawl and grabs the legs of the unconscious driver. “Get into the van, I'll put him in the back.”
Manual gets into the van and starts the engine as Tink deals with the driver.
“Move it!” Says Tink as he jumps onto the passenger seat.
They drive to the boating lake and park the van next to a large tree.
“Ok, both those vans were stocked in the same way. It must be company policy, go buy me a sneakers bar”
“I’m not spending money on one of their vans” manual says with a tone of disgust in his voice.
“Just go and buy one so the driver has to turn around so I can get into the van” a look of mischief comes across Tink's face “Wait until I'm hidden then buy a Wham bar”.
Manual walks over to the van; he peers at the driver with beady eyes and asks for a sneakers bar.
The driver goes to the front of the van and reaches up to the top shelf.
He doesn't see tink coming out from under the van get lifted up by manual and disappear into his van.
“Can I have a wham as well”? The driver turns to get a wham, and boy does he get one.
Tink grabs the driver and kicks open the back door of the van. Manual and Tink run to the van parked under the tree and make their getaway.

Part Five.

Back to Comedy Sketches

Back to Front page